Thursday, April 04, 2013

Open Forum: That's Gotta Hurt!

Although it happened 4 days ago, it is still hard to get away from that Kevin Ware broken leg. That still appears to be the flavor of the week when it comes to the media cycle. Somehow it has made the favorite a sentimental favorite even with a coach who is proven to be a two pump chump and abortion aficionado. Rick Pitino LOL forever. Just remember, kids, that it is OK to cuckold your buddy’s wife after a bowl of linguini and then pay to have that baby killed but DO NOT call your players a bunch of fruits. It also helps to win a shitload of games though.

Anyway, since injuries are the hot topic at the moment (the more gruesome the better) why don’t we spend the day swapping stories of our own broken bones and surgeries and botched penis enlargement procedures? I don’t think that we have discussed that yet. I may have eluded to a few of these personal tragedies in past posts but just act like this is all new to you. In fact, I know I have so hopefully this time around I tell them a little better.

Winter 1990 – I was in FOURF grade at the time and it was a cold, wet, and overcast day at West (is Best) Elementary. The flag was still at half-mast as Prime had left our fair city for good the year prior. To battle the citywide depression, the always intense 4th vs. 5th grade rivalry was going to kick it up a notch during afternoon recess with a big football game. The 5th graders were led by future convicted felon Drugz Delaney while us fourthies relied on—god, I don’t know—Hinkleman(?) to do our heavy lifting. I wonder what he’s up to these days. I always liked Matt. Anyway, it was apparent very early that this was more than just a game. I usually played quarterback because I had a laser rocket arm and was able to read defenses at an ELITE level. Nolan Nawrocki loved the way that I led my team and my ability to work through my progressions. But on the series in question, I was running routes. Whoever the QB was at the time launched a deep ball in my direction. I broke an NFL Combine record for vertical leap and hauled it in. However, Mike Gray decided that it would be funny to undercut me as I was at my jumping apex. At this point, I should let you know that we were playing football on the blacktop since it was wet and we weren’t allowed out in the muddy field. I landed directly on my right arm. Broken like a sumbitch; held on to that fucking pigskin though. As a reminder, playing football on concrete is a fucking horrible decision (even if Mike Gray is not involved). Don’t do that. Wearing a cast is the worst.

Winter 1993 – I know that I’ve told this tale before because Dawg loves my stories from middle school basketball. We’re in the Coonrod Tournament to end the 7th grade basketball season at our school and we are a hot team. We had gotten over the game at PH where we were shutout in the first half and told that we were playing like pig shit and the game at Perrysburg in which we outscored ourselves 2-1 in the second half en route to a 40+ point loss. After starting 0-7, I think that we entered the tourney at .500 and we drew Bryan (my least favorite school ever) in the semifinals. Early in the fourth quarter of a tight game, I’m playing suffocating defense on their point guard and beat him to the spot along the sideline to draw the charge. He bulls me over and I am expecting the crowd to erupt and orgasm simultaneously as I win tournament MVP for such an impressive display of on-ball defense. That did not happen. I got called for the block (which was an awful call) and I noticed that everything around me had slowed to a crawl and I couldn’t hear anything. Then my arm started to hurt so I looked at it. Even an idiot 13 year old kid such as myself could tell that my now S-shaped forearm was broken. My God that fucking hurt. I was done. The doctor had to knock me out and crunch my bones back into place which I’m sure was an awesome scene/sound. We went on to beat Bryan thanks to heroics from Pickle (I’ll just guess on that one) only to get absolutely obliterated in the finals by Liberty Center while I was in street clothes. Take this as a warning, Louisville. Just because your best-looking player gets hurt is not a guarantee that you will win anything. It just means that your team’s Cramer is going to shoot more and that isn’t good for anybody.

Fall 1998 – We’re playing a road game at Bryan and it is an easy one because they suck dicks. I’m doing my usual road grating run-blocking when stupid Cramer gets tackled into me and I land awkwardly. I tried to get up but my ankle was killing me so I just laid there. The trainer came out and asked me if I heard anything pop and I believe I said something smart ass back to him like “No, my ankle was not talking to me.” I did the old “hang on to a person on each side of me” thing off the field and, let me tell you, the applause that you get when you get carried off of a field injured is terrific. Linemen never get cheered unless this sort of thing happens (or you make an extra point, SON!) so I loved every second of it. I tried to go back out there a series later but I was worthless yet showed how much of a man I am. I played the next week but got to skip practice all week while I rehabbed. I TOTES milked that. I’ll say it again: getting that sympathy clap from the entire stadium is the best.

Spring 1999 – Open gym basketball is always an interesting scene. Most of the time, guys just like to get out and play some hoops to fight off being an old fuck and stay in decent shape. I just liked to play on Sunday nights while I got ready for baseball season to begin in the Spring. It was just a normal 5 on 5 game on a Sunday night and I was tasked with guarding my doctor (who is an asshole and the only reason he was my doctor is because he always was available because as knew he was an asshole). Someone threw an errant pass to him and I picked it off like a boss (even after the broken arm, I came back to be an ELITE defender)—streaking down court to throw the hammer down with a thunderous lay-up when Doc Assfuck decided to flagrant 85 foul the shit out of me from behind. He used both of his arms to tomahawk chop my arms down and I landed on his foot severely spraining my ankle in the process. In a ton of pain, I yelled “FOUL”. Doc Asshole had the nerve to say that he got all ball. If I could walk, I would have punched his stupid Rec-Specs off of his idiot face. Two weeks before the baseball season began and I’m on crutches thanks to my doctor being a baby and not handling a turnover well. I went and saw him the next day to get an x-ray and he did not apologize. Fuck him. I’m glad his marriage fell apart because he was fucking a co-worker. Anyway, I went on to hit .573 that year so go fuck yourself, Dr. Asshole.

Summer 1999 – In what turned out to be the last baseball team that I played for, our Legion team was in the district round of the state tournament and I was playing first base for some reason. I was not very good over there but sometimes being capable is good enough. Our third baseman had a fucking rocket for an arm and at some point during the game at Big Ben’s high school alma mater, he threw a one hopper over to me that hit the lip of the grass and caromed directly into my left eye (he went to Bryan by the way). For some stupid reason, swearing is grounds for ejection in legion baseball but that didn’t stop me from screaming “FUCK SHIT SHIT” while I assumed that I just went blind. Out of all the things listed above, this was without question the most painful. Taking an 80+ mph heater to the eyeball is the absolute worst. I tried to stay in the game but that was TOTES stupid. I was up first the next inning, stood in the batter’s box, and realized that I saw two pitchers on two mounds and then removed myself from the game. I had an ELITE shiner for the rest of the week. Still sucked. We ended up being the state runners-up that year and I swatted a long dinger at Ohio U in the state final. Sometimes I wonder if there was any slight but permanent damage from that ball to the eye.

There you go—my personal tales of anguish. I know that Damman once broke his nose in a basketball game and came to school the next day looking like Sloth from The Goonies (I think he also took a bad hop groundball to the schnozz at one point, too—stop playing defense with your face). Let’s spend the day laughing at other people’s misery!


Robert Griffin III said...

You ever break your dick off in a guy's ass?

Grumpy said...

Your getting hit in the head with a baseball explains a lot.

GMoney said...

Dude, you don't even know. That hurt so much.

Fake RG3 is just jealous because he doesn't get to be teammates with The Sex Cannon again this year like the real one.

Robert Griffin III said...

Just because Brittany Griner fucked me in the ass with a strap on doesn't make her gay.

The media is out of control.

GMoney said...

That is either Drew or Ide. I can tell because it isn't clever or funny. Leave the anonymous jokes to the experts like Jut and Bill Wennington.

I know that this has been mentioned before but Ape's cousin had his neck "broken" on the field by Charles Woodson. It still makes me laugh.

Anonymous said...

"I know that this has been mentioned before but Ape's cousin had his neck "broken" on the field by Charles Woodson. It still makes me laugh."

I was at that game. When the ambulance came onto the field I fully expected it to start mauling people like it did in Madden '92. What made that injury even better was after he had recovered (impressively quick if I remember) he was upended during a basketball game that same year and landed directly on his head/neck. Popped right up. At that point I knew that Joe could not be killed.

Prime99 said...

Hmm... I left in FOURF grade in March, but I don't remember this intense battle against the FIF graders where G$ broke his arm, so I guess I wasn't there. Though Matt H. And his dad were both nuts! I got a ride home from them one day after Soccer practice (I played one year in first grade) and his dad took a turn going the wrong way down a one way road. When realized this, he sped up and yelled, "WHOA!!" before veering off to a side street. I think he was just trying to scare us, but part of me also doesn't think he knew what he was doing.

My big injuries were either sprained ankles or broken wrists. I played through both.

Sounds like Dr. Twatface was looking to create more business for himself.

Anonymous said...

You may have me mistaken with someone else with that basketball injury. Never broke my nose or had any type of facial injury playing basketball. My broken nose during baseball was one for the ages however.

Sophomore year at practice and we were taking BP, I was at shortstop and Lacy was hitting. He hits a routine ground ball to me and I get in front of it using ELITE technique and at the last moment the ball takes a wicked hop and drills me right in the face causing a fountain of blood to start pouring from my nose. And when I say fountain, I mean fountain. It was like water coming out of a faucet. This weant on for a good 5 minutes until Nye the trainer guy could make it out to baseball field. It felt like I lost half my blood. It was not a good feeling. The pain wasn't that bad, it was the sickening feeling of losing what felt like half the blood in my body.

After finally getting the bleeding to stop I had one more awful thing to go through, getting my nose popped back straight again. Went to the nose doctor the next day and he gives me like 3 shots around my nose to numb it and says, "this shoul take away most of the pain but it still might sting a little." Well he takes both hand and yanks my nose to the left...I have never felt more pain in my life. Add that to sound it made. It was horrible.

But like the boss I am, I played in the game that night. Coach Humdog still comments on that on every Facebook happy birthday every year. It was a legendary feat.

We need Hoffman to chime in on his hilarious and numerous injuries. Like getting hit in the face by the ref at the jump ball at the start of the game.


Anonymous said...

I've been pretty lucky this sports injuries over the years. Nothing too serious. Hyperextended elbow here, sprained ankle there. My only two really gruesome injuries happened about a year apart from each other. The first was the spring of 8th grade.

While waiting for my habitually always late mother to pick me up from track practice at my middle school, I figured I would kill some time shooting around on the outdoor basketball hoop. Broken chain link net and all. St. Paul OBVZ was a step above everyone in facility maintenence. Anyway...since I was an 8th grader and considered myself an ELITE dunker, I went up to hammer down a Barkley esque dunk. After barely grazing the rim, I landed and noticed there were pretty dark drops of blood on the pavement that looked oddly fresh. Like, had only been there a few seconds fresh. A few moments later my hand started to hurt really fucking bad. I looked down and it looked like my hand had been dipped in a bucket of red paint. I had split my middle finger open on a loose piece of chain and was literally gushing everywhere. The penalty for attempting to dunk that day was 8 stitches and a tetanus shot.

The second injury happened my freshman year in August during football practice. While trying my hand at RB, I put an ELITE stiff arm on Jade Crossland. Except the stiff arm was executed so well that I actually got my finger stuck in his facemask. He went one way, I was tackled the other. I was a proud new owner of a mutilated and broken finger. Still played though it with a splint on it because I'm a fucking WARRIOR!

Prime99 said...

Iceman's WARRIORS > Kellen Windslow Jr's SOLJAS

Jeff said...

Let me preface this by saying I do not support playing soccer, but It's hard to turn down a small pick up game in a backyard with the World Cup going on against kids half my age.

I'm no good at soccer, I know this and am proud of it, but I'm still very competitive and play to win no matter what. On this day about 7 years ago in friend's backyard a pick up soccer game broke out involving his younger cousins and us. Tried to make a nifty slide and save the ball from going into the bushes. While sliding, my knee hit an old in ground lighting fixture that used to light up a tree that had been moved years before (jackasses forgot to remove the lighting fixture along with the tree). I heard a nasty 'pop and snap' sound. Before seeing my knee I tried to stand up an couldn't. I looked at my leg and the skin covering my knee was cut open. My petallar tendon was completely sliced, my knee cap was mid thigh, and the top of my tibia was broken off. HOLY FUCK did that hurt. The worst part of it (not to mention the bumpy ass ambulance ride) was at the hospital when they were trying to clean out the wound and I had not been given enough pain meds and could feel everything. I remember telling the nurse 'Oh fuck no' to her continuing cleaning out my knee without me having more morphine. I then got a giant shot of morphine straight to the knee and some other meds and the next thing I remembered was waking up in the recovery room with an iv and a morphine drip.

GMoney said...

The ambulance came out for Joe but he didn't need it because he was faking it. Braxton Miller ripped off Joe.

In the Prime biography that I'm writing, I had you down for leaving in third grade. I even checked with Mr. Edwards who challenged me to a shooting contest that he easily won. I remember going back inside for the last hour and sitting in Mrs. Baatz's class thinking to myself "something is not right here, my arm hurts way too much."

Fuck you for saying that you played hoops through BROKEN WRISTS. Hinkleman's dad died a few years ago. He still holds the Napoleon record for least amount of City Council votes in his name. He should have demanded a recount.

Maybe that grounder that you took to the nose was what I was remembering. I must have "misremembered" a hoops injury and just assumed that Spingo clipped you with his weirdo elbow during practice as he tried to block every shot taken (unsuccessfully). That was my favorite part of Spieth's basketball career: he never saw a shot that he didn't want to swat while ending his season with zero blocked shots.

We had chain nets at West, too. Poor people AMIRITE!

GMoney said...

Jesus, Jeff, that sounds awful. Getting hurt while playing soccer? I do agree that there are few things better than telling medical professionals some version of "oh fuck no" when they are trying to do their job. I've done it. I recommend it.

By the way, I just realized that 3 of my 5 injuries were a result of Bryan. I fucking hate those country club peter puffers.

Prime99 said...

Yep- I was in Ms. Baatz's class with you!

I had my wrists surgically repaired in my freshman and junior years of college. Not gruesome injuries but they were fucked up.

Anonymous said...

I actually have a fairly clean bill of health when it comes to injuries. I sprained an ankle playing pickup ball but, like a man, I knew that cold air fucks up sprained ankles so I played through, making ELITE pass offs and screens.

I hyperextended my elbow by doing bear crawls in practice. I was actually out two weeks. One of my injury phobias along with anything knee related is hyper extension. To this day, I fucking hate those bear crawls. Why does that matter? My trainer made me do them last week (someone is taking this zombie race seriously!).

One day my brother and I were involved in an ELITE Bart/Lisa Simpson stand off where we were both swinging objects at each other and daring the other to break the plane and attack. My object: Belt. His object: 18 inch Louisville Slugger. Victory was clearly his. I ended up with a massive bruise and a very swollen knee and a night game at Alt Field (possible shout out to G$ or Damman if they've umped there).

Already discussing my phobia of knee injuries, I was left in a crying lump on the floor (I was like 12). This was the year I played catcher as well, and in the first inning I caught a fast ball to the inner thigh by one of the top pitchers in the city, the streak continued. I finished the game 3-4, 2 HR (only two of the year (I was leadoff)), 1 2B, 2 SB (I was ELITE at stealing home), and an ELITE strikeout (I swung over my head (God, I was cocky that game)). So, basically I overcame a crippling fear and had one of the best games of my life on a playoff team. Boom.

Yes, I just stretched a simple knee bruise into a monster boring story. This is how uneventful my injury list in life has been.

RG3 wasn't me.


Anonymous said...

Hoffman is the all-time leader in bizarre injuries. He also had a blown out knee while just running down the floor in the Grand Canyon. And I remember an extremely bloody nose from a game of pickle at either the Clarksville or Hilliard tournament.

Setting the record straight on the Bryan game in 7th grade. No heroics from Pickle. He inbounded to Hoffman who missed a short baseline jumper and I had the put back at the buzzer. Probably my only 2 points of the season.

- Old Rex

Nate said...

No injury stories about myself, but wasn't there an incident at NHS where a chearleader had to be rushed to the emergency room because one of the male cheerleader's thumbs went up her ass during a stunt?

GMoney said...

Nate, you might be referring to one of my classmates and Iceman's HS girlfriend. The thumb thing, I was told, was true except you picked the wrong hole and there was no trip to the hospital because Braxton Miller was using the ambulance as a taxi. Maybe Ice can shed some light on that incident.

I want to say that Hoffman hurt his knee tripping over first base down in Florida, too. Man, that guy was talented!

Dammit, Prime, now I'm going to have to re-work that biography. Now I assume that you moved because seeing me with a cast on my arm was just too much of a burden to bear.

The idea of Ide being a wrestler and wearing a singlet is major LULZ to me. I can't be alone.

Prime99 said...

G$'s new book- "Bernekie-Benedict-Baatz: The Glory Years"- in stores in the fall!

Anonymous said...

"The idea of Ide being a wrestler and wearing a singlet is major LULZ to me. I can't be alone."

Let me make it weirder. 5'5, 103 lbs in HS. I lived off of a slice of bread, a hard boiled egg, a bottle of water, and a cup of fat free frozen yogurt...per day.

The singlet thing was definitely a part of growing up. You were terrified going in front of all your classmates basically naked. The only thing that brought any reprieve or satisfaction was beating the shit out of your opponent. Thankfully, I had a pretty good record at home. I actually got a pretty hot girlfriend junior year by utterly embarrassing this kid in front of our student body. Proudest victory of my high school career.

My proudest middle school moment involves heavy bigotry and a unintentional bomb scare, but thats another story.


GMoney said...

I like to think that you were ahead of your time and wrestled in the Borat swimsuit thing. All of your matches ended with you having an erection. Homo.

Anonymous said...

After playing a variety of organized sports and making countless sliding/diving catches all over NE Ohio outfields I have zero physical injuries to report because I am Bruce Willis from Unbreakable.

However, I always enjoy telling this tale from high school sports past. Seal and I were on the same freshmen basketball team and this team was stacked. We had several guys that could’ve played on our school’s JV/varsity teams but for whatever reason they put all of us freshmen on the same team. Hell, Seal and I would’ve started for most of the freshman teams in our conference but were reduced to bench bums for this powerhouse. So it’s the first game of the year and like most of the games to follow that season we were up by about 40 points with ten minutes to play. Coach calls for the bench bums to check in, all but me. For the last ten minutes all of my friends are out there finishing off this epic beatdown. Seal is draining threes, guys are spider dribbling the ball up the court just for fun. We invented Layup City. The coach is subbing in starters just to keep 5 guys on the court but we probably only needed 4. The game ends and I’ve logged zero minutes as the only person to see no playing time. We get back to the locker room and the team is celebrating. The coach gets quiet, as does everyone else and he looks at me and says “Oh, you? I forgot about you didn’t I?” He laughed. The team laughed. I didn’t. It wasn’t malicious or anything he just simply forgot I was on the team. My pride was injured that day.
PS – our team went undefeated that year which was an awesome experience no matter what level and how minutes you do (or don’t) play.

J from JBeanie

GMoney said...

Oh man, that is quite an ego blow. As someone who logged HEAVY bench minutes on a bad freshman basketball team, I can at least say that the coach never forgot about me. Well, his ass didn't since it often found itself an inch away from my face. Coach Ass In The Face and Doctor Asshole are probably great friends.

By the way, this post tied into Drew's battle with dysentery yesterday (and hopefully still today). Never forget that he openly admits to shitting himself thrice. Whatever he caught, I'm buying that virus a brew-dog.

Brady said...

I was really lucky with injuries in high school. Like Iceman, I only had sprains and bruises for the most part (I guess playing baseball and golf limited the possibility for serious injury). My big one came during a flag football game during gym class in 7th grade.

I was your prototypical white reciever. An elusive possesion type player who wasn't afraid to go over the middle. I had been carving up the defense for most of the afternoon and this one douchebag, Richie Earl, decided he had seen enough.

I remember seeing the ball thrown toward me and the next thing I remember it was four hours later in the hospital. Apparently ol' Richie decided to give me a flying elbow to the temple that knocked me out cold. I apparently went down like a sack of potatos (one of my dads favorite sayings).

I had a serious concussion that fucked with me for two weeks. Headaches, puking and nausea stayed with me for quite sometime. Apart from my future drinking escapades, I had never experienced lost time. That shit is cray cray. I literally can't remember 4 hours of my life. I still think about those 4 hours to this day.

It all ended OK though. I ended up fucking Richie's girlfriend in a bathroom at some party during Junior year.

GMoney said...

Richie Earl is making a strong push for 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year.

GMoney said...

Really? We're done for the day? Or should I just assume that everyone has already started tailgating for the CBJ debut of Marian Gaborik in Nashville tonight?

Anonymous said...

The thumb story is true. Except like G$ said it wasn't the poop hole. I don't believe there were any stitches or tearing or anything like that...just a lot of pain and ELITE stories resulting from the pain meds. Stories I will keep to myself since this is one ex GF I actually still talk to and don't hate. Part of me thinks the thumb from this guy was on purpose since he made no secrets about the dirty things he wanted to do to my now ex GF at the time.

Anonymous said...

RGIII wasn't me either.

I'm still shitting...lasted until 2 at work...feeling a tad better, but I've only eaten a bowl of potato soup from Tim Horton's since the pizza on Tuesday.

My injuries....

*When I was like three or four I was in one of those swings where you put the little kids legs into them so they dont' fall off. My Dad pushed me sideways and I drilled the pole and split my chin up a bunch of stitches...still have teh scar.

*Broke a wrist when I was 8 or 9 fighting with my cousin.

*Broke an elbow around the same age falling off a tree house.

*My Senior year of High School I went up to catch a football in gym class and landed hard as hell on the small of my back. It killed for a while and it was right around the beginning of basketball team. It was just too painful to practice...never knew if I was going to come up or down and feel excruciating pain in my back. Finally I got an MRI and it was discovered that I had numerous stress fractures in my vertebrae. Kept me out almost a month.


Prime99 said...

Richie Earl is making a strong push for 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year.

LOLZ! Richie Earl does deserve recognition.

So many holes in this cheerleader story...

GMoney said...

The elbow is a joint, not a bone. Congrats on being the first person ever to break an elbow. I am not a doctor so this might be 100% wrong but I did get an actual A+ in Anatomy at college. I seriously did not miss one question on anything all semester. I should have grown up to be a bone identifier.

Prime, that's some solid pun work. It takes some HUGE cajones to thumb-rape a cheerleader in front of others.

Anonymous said...

Someone took down my last comment. Conspiracy.


Prime99 said...

I'd like to offer $5000 or a trip to Cancun to a PAC-12 ref to murder Carlos Marmol. Or maybe Richie Earl would do it?

If anyone actually does it, I was joking...

Anonymous said...

Cubs Win! Cubs Win! Marmol is the worst mexican to ever pitch in the bigs. 1st place for another day. Next year is here! Go Cubs Go!

Tom Trebelhorn

Anonymous said...

Richie Earl gives Roger Ebert's death two thumbs up!


Brady said...

Did Marmol blow a save? Taking after Chris Perez I see.

GMoney said...

Richie Earl is the cause of Drew's extended bout of diarrhea.