Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Never Too Early For Fantasy Football


"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED WITH A FANTASY FOOTBALL POST?!"



Now that G$ has retardedly informed us that the Washington Pigskins are the only team that knows how to draft and the NFL draft is officially over, let's discuss what everyone really cares about.  Which rookies will have the biggest fantasy football impact this year.  Since this draft wasn't loaded with a ton of sexy talent this year, a lot of these predictions are somewhat modest.  But fuck off...it was either this or the NBA.  Just be happy it's football.  We'll start with a guy that will certainly be on Grumpy's team this year.

Le'Veon Bell RB - Pittsburgh

The good news?  Rapeyberger lost his top OVERRATED target from last year so the Steelers will probably be relying heavily on the run this year.  Unless you really believe Antonio Brown is a legit number one.  And if you really think that you should rub poop on your tongue.  Steeler football has always been give it to your hogs on first and second down then let your QB rape his way out of trouble on 3rd and short.  They've abandoned that since Bettis retired to pursue his dream of becoming a disgusting fucking blob and Mendenhall took up terrorism full time.  The bad news is that this reeks of committee and Bell is one of three fat fucks that are essentially interchangeable backs.  And since Tomlin is now the black Shanahan of fantasy football, the chubber who sees the majority of those carries from week to week could be anyone.  Have fun picking the right one.

What to expect: 525 yards 3TDs
Where to draft: Don't.  Unless you're Grumpy.  Then 2nd round.

DeAndre Hopkins WR - Houston

If this guy plays WR the way he tosses his own shit around a hotel room then sign me up!  Again...a huge negative here is that the Texans ram Arian Foster up your dick hole for about 75% of the game.  And that's why it's annoying as fucking shit when playing against Foster in fantasy football.  But there is a slight positive to Houston's unnecessary dedication to the run.  With Andre Johnson still commanding double teams, that means whoever lines up opposite of him will most likely be seeing single coverage for the entire game.  That guy is Hopkins since Houston finally realized how LULZ it was to have a white guy named Kevin as your #2 threat.

What to expect: 800 yards 6 TDs
Where to draft: You could probably snag him in the 10th round and feel okay about it.

Eddie Lacy RB - Green Bay

**BOYFRIEND ALERT**  I think Lacy is the best fantasy prospect in this draft.  I was stunned when three (I think) other backs came off the board before Lacy fell directly into Ted Thompson's boner.  I understand there were some durability issues.  Remember they said the same about AP...NOT saying Lacy is AP before you guys start filleting me for that comment.  I'm not delusional.  I'm just saying that sometimes people are wrong.  All I see is a back that averaged 7 yards a carry while sharing the load in the best football conference in the country.  That has to translate to the pro level.  I expect Lacy to start from day one and produce after struggling the first couple of games.

What to expect: 1,100 total yards 6TDs
Where to draft: He won't be there past the 4th since I'm sure the fantasy websites will be lining up to take turns blowing him.  It just depends on how big your nuts are and if you have the sack to chance it.

Tavon Austin WR - St. Louis

I'm really torn on this one.  On one hand Sam Bradford sucks camel dick.  On the other hand Danny Amendola is white, slow and made of used pussy skin.  Bonus points: Austin is used to having a shit for brains QB that struggles completing simple passes.  I'm going to side with talent on this one and say that Austin is able to produce in his first year.  I guess this is less of a ringing endorsement of Austin and more of a "who the fuck else is going to do it" type situation.  Now that Stephen Jackson is gone they certainly aren't running the ball this year.  And if the Rams continue to be the Rams and always play from behind, then Navajo Sam is going to need someone to throw to.  Austin makes the most sense to reap those benefits.

What to expect: 900 yards 8 TDs
Where to draft: This production estimate is fucking GENEROUS.  Having said that I wouldn't want to repeatedly punch my own dick if I grabbed him somewhere in the 7th to 9th round.
 
Montee Ball RB - Denver

This is an interesting one, gents.  McGahee needs to be sent to the fucking glue factory.  And I think he will be sooner rather than later.  SHOCKING, he's only 31 but with yet another ACL tear he'll probably run more like he's 71.  Also keep in mind that the organization HATES Knowshon Moreno and made him a healthy scratch on more than one occasion last year.  It wasn't until they were fucking desperate that they made Moreno the lead back.  And he was about as impressive as an egg fart in a broken elevator.  The problem with Ball is the dude has some super serial mileage on his bones.  The way Wisconsin used Ball is the definition of abusive.  We'll have to see if he can hold up but there is definitely some intrigue here.

What to expect: 700 yards 4 TDs
Where to draft: Any time after the 10th round is probably reasonable.  At that point you're drafting backups anyway...or in Grumpy's case, 4th string Steeler running backs.  HASHTAG CHRIS RAINEY!!

Cordarelle Patterson WR - Minnesota 

Jennings is in and Harvin is out.  Patterson was brought in to fill a void currently occupied by Jerome Simpson and his blossoming drug business.  So the upside is that Patterson will see significant playing time.  Unfortunately once again we fall into the "stud running back who is focal point of offense while the WR core gets absolutely crippled by the shit dick play of a butt QB" scenario.  It won't take Jennings long to realize the error of his fleeing Green Bay ways and for Patterson to completely regret being drafted to a team that starts Christian Ponder.  Having said that...

What to expect: 400 yards 3TDs
Where to draft: Don't.  I've seen comparisons to Troy Williamson and Darius Heyward-Bey.  Sounds like a keeper.

Sleepers to keep an eye on:

Giovani Bernard RB - Bengals: He's a play maker...and the Lawfirm is not.
Robert Woods WR - It's just too bad Kevin LOLB is the QB in Buffalo.
Joseph Randle RB - Because every back on the Cowboys wears a dress.  And Jerruh Jones loves him.  And if you have brought a sparkle to Jerruh's eye you WILL get playing time.

There ya go.  Fantasy gold for everyone to enjoy.  I've already spent way too much time on this post and there really isn't a good way to end it.  Except for FUCK THE STEELERS.  That feels pretty right.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

Davone Bess for me.

Anonymous said...

The impending blown knees on the Steelers this year make me LOL.

OSU preseason number 1?!

Ide

GMoney said...

First of all, you are absolutely not a good fantasy football player and are extremely unqualified to be handing out advice and predictions.

Want some advice that you can use? Try not to draft rookies. There. I just made your team better. And I say this as someone who won the DFL with a starting backfield of Douglas Martin and AlfMo last season. Now that I settled that...

I expect little from Bell because he is already in a timeshare with Duce Staley and Bam Morris.

I wouldn't be so high on Ball either. After being a dick and trying to break all of TDTravis's rushing records (never happened), he probably doesn't have all that much left. And you're wrong about Moreno. He was really good when they finally gave him the ball last year. My guess is that he comes to camp as the starter (but will probably get hurt).

I also wouldn't touch Lacy without knowing for sure what they are going to do with him. Is there anything worse than seeing them get inside the 5 and then goddamn John COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON comes lumbering into the game? Will that shit continue?

By the way, did you win your basketball league after tanking the final week and thus giving yourself bad karma?

Grumpy said...

DUUUUUCE!

Jeff said...

Danny Amendola is on the Pats right?!? OK, that's what I thought.

OSU jumped up in the preseason poll. How is that even possible? I guess Bama got worse playing in their spring game against each other. Kind of ironic it happened the same day ESPN announced they will be showing all 3 of their night games on the "family of networks"

Nuk Hopkins will be spewing shit all over the place and by spewing shit I mean catching TDs.

GMoney said...

Hey Grump and Brady, who was right about The Following after all? Remember when it was me? Because that ended up being the worst TV show that I've ever seen and it was amazing to delete it off of the season pass. Why do I say this?

The second to last scene went like this:
Joe - You can't get under my skin, Ryan.
Ryan - Oh yeah? Well Edgar Allen Poe was a bad writer.
Joe - I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

Insulting an old writer is grounds for murder.

The final scene was just rotten. I kept expecting to see the Wayans Brothers show up since it was pretty much how every Scary Movie ends.

NEVER DOUBT ME.

The Iceman said...

"Danny Amendola is on the Pats right?!? OK, that's what I thought."

Ignore that error. It was late.

Well since my suggestion wasn't draft all of these rookies and make an all rookie fantasy football team, you are dumb.

There's always at least one rookie (drafted or FA signing) that makes a splash. But you would be the dildo that doesn't care to have that guy on your team. Because you win faggy PPR fantasy leagues with fractional points. Again...you dominate leagues where Darren Sproles is a top 10 fantasy RB. Hilarious.

Of course I won my fantasy basketball league. Won the championship game by over 200 points actually...because I am a waiver wire wizard. And the team I helped get into the playoffs I actually played in the championship game. So it appears that team belonged the whole time since he beat the top scoring team in round 1 of the playoffs to get there.

Chris Broussard said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Prime99 said...

Iceman, as MSFL Champion, Commenter of the Year, Money Shot Super Bowl Mania Champion, I second G$'s thoughts about questioning you giving out fantasy advice about a bunch of players that will not be on my team(s) this year. Sure, a rookie here and there makes a splash, but it is too difficult to figure that shit out every year, so it is much better to go with known quantities over rookies who haven't done anything yet.

Did you seriously just legitimize your fantasy football qualifications by citing your fantasy basketball skills? In the words of some dumb black guys on ESPN, "C'mon man!"

Last, you brought up the Browns trading out of this year and into next year as a positive thing because "this draft is ass" in earlier comments. Then you just went on to break down a bunch of fantasy players who apparently are rookies that are not going to be ass? So the draft really wasn't that bad in your opinion or did you just reach pretty hard for content? Cakes and Grump complaining about NBA posts should not deter you from breaking down Nate Robinson's 4th quarter performance or the fact that Steph Curry is the greatest goddamn basketball player in the history of the universe (not a true fact, but holy shit that dude is fun to watch.)

GMoney said...

Sorry, Chris, but I think that we may be talking about your recent exploits tomorrow. I want your comments to be fresh and potentially bigoted.

I didn't win that league in which Tiny Darren was on my team. Prime did. You talking shit about Prime now? He has dad stremph now so you bettuh watch yourself.

I'm far better than anyone at FF and I recommend not drafting rookies and expecting them to produce. That should mean something to everyone out there looking for fantasy football draft advice in LATE APRIL.

Ace said...

There are 4 rookies that I would consider going after in my fantasy draft, and two of them weren't even mentioned in this nonELITE post. Eifert and Ertz can have value at TE, especially as the season progresses and they are coming in to form when the fantasy playoffs are rolling around. I would target Austin and Lacy. That's it. Not high round picks by any means, but those are the 4 picks that stick out to me right now as potential rookie values.

Chris Broussard is going to go on a gay killing spree in the name of the LAWD! What a guy.

And don't forget BONERZ!!! Ok, not really.

Brady said...

Yeah, The Following didn't end very well. I will still be watching season 2 though. Can't get me enough Bacon!

Bates Motel is where it's at right now. Norman just got shit on by the hot high school slut and his weird decrepit dog was run over at the end. Things are about to get stabby!

I didnt really see a whole lot of playmakers on the offensive side this draft. It's going to be hard to draft any of these guys before the late rounds. That doesn't mean I can't bate some toothless steelers fan into drafting Bell in the Fifth though. The comment section during the draft is the best!

There is no way the Buckeyes start the year lower than #3. I don't think they deserve the top spot but they will be right there.

Anonymous said...

Yes Prime, the Browns should have drafted a running back or a first round WR. Good call.

A bigoted post for tomorrow? Count me in!

Funny story on that note. So I had a minority coworker call me all pissed off yesterday. Apparently, she thought that my use of "coon's age" was racist and googled it. Some presumably Black Panther website said it was. So she called me and told me to google it and that she would sue me for harrassment (haha, like that's a thing).

So I googled it, and sure enough, no where on the front page was there a racist remark. In fact, several websites debunked that theory, and the dictionaries actually righteously defined it. So, I cut and pasted it, then took a screen cap of google, and emailed it to her. It is 10:07, I have used "in a coon's age" roughly 8 times.

It's funny because she probably can't read.

Ide

Jeff said...

"The comment section during the draft is the best!"

The comment section is the WORST!

That means you are online and not live in Dut's basement at the pseudo-klan gathering with access to the GLORY HOLE!!!

Prime99 said...

Iceman's post only involved 1st rounders- wait? It didn't?! Oh, well good call Ide.

GMoney said...

Thank you, Jeff. SHOW UP TO THE DFL DRAFT OR GET THE FUCK OUT. Dut isn't man enough to say this because he wants to be BFFs with everyone who smiles at him even though he will go years* without seeing them.

*by years, I mean a coon's age

Cakes, come on BRAH, there is no reason at all to give that show another chance. Just walk away before I start calling you the most delicious food of all time...BaconCakes.

Anonymous said...

No, it included, as I said earlier, RB's and first round WR's. Every wide out he talked about went in the first round. The Browns took a RB in the first round of last year's draft, you see, and used the second round pick on a WR in the supplement draft last season.

Therefor, using cognitive reasoning and plain common sense, it would be pretty fucking stupid for the Browns to use a 4th or 5th round pick on a player that didn't even make Iceman's list.

But at least you listed your latest online accolade's before failing miserably at comprehension!

Ide

Brady said...

I'll agree with that, Jeff, I would much rather have an old school draft in person. That shit never happens in the leagues I'm in though.

Black Panther website claimed it was racist?! No way! Those guys are always level headed and willing to rationally discuss the issues that face our society today.

Mmmmmm, Baconcakes.

Prime99 said...

Ok, Ide. You're right. The Browns are FINE with all the playmakers they already have which is why they haven't won in a COON'S AGE.

For the record, Mingo was a good pick. It was Iceman's categorization of the draft being ass rather than the draft being deep with good value in the later rounds was what I was nitpicking.

My accolades are ELITE. Never forget.

Brady said...

I kind of agree with Ice. The Browns are hedging their bet for next season. If Weeden can flourish in the new offense this year, they have the draft ammo to add some more weapons next year. If Weeden is who we thought he was, they can make a play for franchise QB. I'm OK with what they did.

Whatever happens on offense, the defense is going to be legit. The dogshit LB core has been replaced with Krueger, Jackson, Mingo and Sheard. With Bryant, Rubin and Taylor on the line, the Browns have a pretty good front seven.

I predict 8-8 this season. They won five last year and were in 3-4 others with a horrible coaching staff and a defense that was short on playmakers.

Grumpy said...

I taped the finale of The Following and haven't watched it yet. I still like it although it just strains credibility that Claire can be smart enough to escape multiple times yet dumb enough to be recaptured each time. And God help us if the FBI is really that incompetent.

With my new firearm I can tell you that a coon's age in my yard is about 5 seconds.

GMoney said...

Bacon also straight up executed a guy last night which, seeing as he does not work for the FBI, should have repercussions that will never be addressed. Worst Show Ever.

Browns 8-8! The defense will be fine! Yeah, because there are never any growing pains when you switch defensive schemes. You assholes always rip on Steeler fans but you are the dumbest fans in the league without question. Who says that this staff is worth a shit, too? Your new coach was FIRED by the Browns TWICE! SUPER BOWL!!!

GMoney said...

Cakes, I will bet you a rib dinner that the Browns finish under .500 this coming season. Put your money where Tom Hamilton's cock is.

Prime99 said...

Betting with Cakes? I love it!

Ace said...

The over/under for Browns wins should be posted at 5.5. I think the number is 6...but that under is mighty tempting.

Great post idea/competition before the season rolls around, picking the O/U for every team. Have everybody pitch in 5 bones, winner take all. I am the best.

GMoney said...

It is intriguing but we all still despise you.

Anonymous said...

Like the idea, Ace.

I would be in.

Seal

Prime99 said...

Jesus, another contest for me to win? Well, alright.

Mr. Ace said...

You love me. You really love me.