Wednesday, April 03, 2013

LOL USC and Build-A-Coach


As a reminder: This face married a model.  Don't give up.  Don't ever give up.
This has not been a particularly intriguing NCAA tournament. Most of the games have been blowouts and the teams going to Atlanta aren’t really the most interesting sonsabitches. When it ends next Monday night with Jim Nantz shoe-horning in some terrible pun about the champion and that shitty One Shining Moment song gets played, we won’t remember who cut down the nets after about a week. This tournament will likely only be remembered for two things: Kevin Ware’s leg trying to amputate itself and Dunk City. It will be hard to forget about the FGCU Eagles and their swaggy ways. Well, it appears that someone is cashing in on that swag immediately.
Former FGCU head coach/gapped teeth enthusiast Andy Enfield has struck while the iron was hot and accepted the open job vacancy at USC. It makes sense for him. He gets a HUGE promotion and a HUGE pay raise to help deal with the HUGE number of guys lining up to cuckold his wife. But I’ve got to say, this is a fucking terrible hire for the Trojans. I mean, I haven’t seen an overreaction this large since lowbrow people like Jut Verlander and those of that ilk started buying WalMart out of bullets a few months ago. A power conference team living in the shadow of John Wooden and UCLA should absolutely not be trolling the low major schools (and FGCU is definitely in the lowest of the low major category) for a head coach…EVER. Enfield isn’t ready for this. We laughed at UCLA replacing asshole Ben Howland with bigger asshole Steve Alford but at least those guys have a track record.

This is such a terrible hire for USC. SO BAD. They should just start putting together Enfield’s buyout package now. Northwestern, a school who plays in a gym worse than The Grand Canyon and has never played an NCAA tournament game, was able to get Coach K’s right hand Beelzebub. That’s good hustle. Pat Haden (USC AD and former Notre Dame color commentator if you recall) seemingly made this choice because he is a sucker for dunking. He hired Lane Kiffin though so maybe this isn’t a surprise. Clearly, he lacks good judgment. Either way, continue to not know that USC plays basketball.

That got me thinking about what you want in a head coach. It is no secret that the best part of rooting for a disaster of a team is that the coach will get fired and then you get to speculate on who will replace him and continue to not meet your expectations. Man, that is a great feeling—convincing your stupid self that the next guy in is going to fix everything and it is just going to be titles and blowjobs for the rest of time. So for the second portion of today’s post about coaching, I’m going to list my ideal character traits for what I want in my coaches for my teams. I run the gamut of wealth and poverty when it comes to fandom so obviously not all coaches are created equal:

Mid-major college football coach – You absolutely have to be a dogged recruiter with ties to the South. If you do not have this trait then your application should not even be considered. You have to find the guys who slip through the cracks. Fortunately, we hired a stoic dipshit off the goddamn Mark Dantonio coaching tree and he has no recruiting ties anywhere. This was such a shitty hire. I don’t care if you’re the greatest X’s and O’s coach on the planet, if no one wants to play for you then you’re fucked.

Mid-major college basketball coach – Again, I want an avid recruiter who is using my place as a stepping stone. I would rather have three insanely successful years with a rock solid foundation built for the next than have a guy who will never leave. There is a reason why Kent State is always good regardless of who the coach is. Style doesn’t matter to me all that much as long as the players that are brought in buy into that philosophy.

NFL coach – I hate re-treads. I don’t care much for college coaches (sorry, Ol’ Ball Coach, I still love ya). I really don’t care all that much for coordinators either. I guess that my ideal coach is actually what the Skins have now in Shanahan. I like a guy who has won big before and clearly wants to again (they aren’t just collecting a pay check). I do prefer offensive-minded coaches because I think that they are probably more creative. And if you are a head coach, DON’T CALL YOUR OWN PLAYS. That is why you have assistants. Then if you play like shit, you can just blame them.

NBA coach – Christ, I don’t know. If you don’t have any talent, you aren’t going to win anyway. Do you think that Phil Jackson would come to Cleveland? No? OK, Byron Scott it is then.

MLB manager – I really like the guys like Joe Torre and Terry Francona who have been at the top and their players swear by them. It is also my belief that the best managers, for the most part, are ex-catchers because those are the smartest players on the field (Rube Baker excluded).

You know who you don't want as a coach?  Mike Rice from Rutgers.  Jesus Christ, if you haven't seen the video of him playing "dodge rock" with his players and calling them faggots, please do so immediately.  How that guy has not been fired yet is major LULZ.

Obviously, depending on your level of fandom at different levels of college sports, your opinion on this would be different from mine. I have a feeling that both Ohio and Michigan fans would never in a million years want another personality like Lloyd Carr and Jim Tressel back who each offered almost nothing to get excited about unless you like not answering questions in a monotone voice. Whether you love or hate Urbantaker or The Hokester, you have to admit that they know how to fire up and inspire the fans and alums. So let’s compare and contrast notes regarding what we want from our coaches today and I swear to Christ that the first one of you assholes (and it will be posted before 9 AM GUARANSHEED) that says “my perfect coach is Urban Meyer” is going to be buried alive by my hands before sundown today.

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

Woke up at 1a.m. feeling nauseous...have proceeded to shit water probably 20 times since then and have two violent bouts of puking. I honestly haven't puked from being sick in probably over 15 years...I remember as a child being given some pop to settle my stomach if I was sick. So, about 45 minutes ago I opened a can of the goodness that is Sprite Zero and drank about half of it before...LOLZ @ me...running to the bathroom and puking about five more heaves. So, that memory of the pop is either completely wrong or made up...opposite effect.

How often do you fucks get sick (not alcohol related Iceman) and it leads to puking? Besides the puking and constant shitting...I honestly don't feel that bad...but, nobody's got time to spend all nigh t long puking and shitting.

As for your column...

I like the hire by USC. I actually like it more than UCLA's hire. This dude created Dunk City at FGC....made millions on some healthcare software company he created...and landed himself a Maxim model. How in the world can you doubt that this guy is going to be a success? He's too damn smart to fail.

Also, Haden didn't hire Kiffin...Kiffin was already there.

If Ide had more balls he'd be a Mike Rice somewhere.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

You had food poisoning. It happens. The best thing to do is to remember what you ate and develop a crippling fear of it and never eat it again.

Fuck you, guacamole.

I would be an absolute prick coach.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Haden has been at USC forever; how did he not hire Kiffen?

Drew, I had what you had the night before. Not much fun.

I want my coach to inspire and convince players and fans that we will win.

GMoney said...

What a pussy. I haven't thrown up from the flu in a coon's age. Thanks for calling what I do a column though. Makes me feel like the big shot that I am.

Then allow me to correct my Haden bashing...he has not fired that dolt yet so that is on him.

I just think it's hilarious that big bad USC athletics is trolling the shit schools of the swamps to find a coach. Why not Gregg Marshall? He's clearly better.

Ide would have some kid die on day one. FACT. And there would be daily whippings.

MUDawgfan said...

Mid Major FB Coach: Preferably someone with a system that isn't more complicated than Algebra three and who (in addition to great recruiting intensity) has a network of good assistants. Basically Coach Mike Haywood.

Mid Major BB Coach: Someone who identifies and teaches good shooters and creates awesome guards. You can get 6-8 wins in conference simply by hitting plenty of threes and not turning the damn ball over so much.

The Iceman said...

Drew and Grumpy must have had a Seagrams party last night.

It would be a different story if this FGCU guy had a history or doing well. He doesn't. He's made one NCAA tourney in how many years? Just because they happen to dunk a lot and knocked off some giants along the way all of a sudden this guy is the answer? I don't think so. He was probably hired because his wife will fit in perfectly in Southern California.

My perfect coach isn't named Rich or Rodriguez.

Anonymous said...

UPDATE: I've shit about 30 times...I'm on my fourth pair of boxers....and I fell asleep for a couple hours only to wake up and see some small wet brown areas on my sheets, which I've deemed to mean that I've been shitting myself in my sleep. I am beautiful right now.

Ide...I had two slices of Late Night Slice....that's it. That pizza is delicious, but I must agree...due to this battle and the taste of it all coming back up, I can't imagine eating that again. I hope it doesn't translate to all pizza.

Grumpy...the black dude that thought it was smart to mock the NCAA through their whole Reggie Bush situation is the guy that hired Kiffin. Haden was hired as AD ten months later.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Mike Garrett is that man, Skidmarks, I believe. I am unsure if he shits his pants in his sleep though. It might be time for Drew to start shopping in the incontinence aisle. Grumpy probably has some coupons.

The worst part about being a mid-major fan is that if you make the wrong hire, you are stuck with that turd (and Don't Treadwell is a turd) because you can't afford to pay two coaches. I assume that we will be awesome next year with one of our two only good players likely getting kicked off the team because he likes to break down doors of terrified women. Harwell could have broken all the records, too. Asshole.

Anonymous said...

Food poisoning sets in around 5 to 8 hours later, so I doubt it was the slut sauce that did you in. However, shit stories are always welcome, so keep the updates coming.

I wouldn't make a kid die per se, but the unfit ones would be vomiting and thus be debilitated by severe dehydration. Water is for winners, and my players would have to earn that privilege.

Ide

GMoney said...

FYI, Merle and Carol showed up on Conan from Atlanta last night (in character) and I might say that Carol is not a bad looking bulldyke in normal life. I wasn't really sure how Merle came back to life but he shot Andy Richter so that was fine.

Anonymous said...

Small world - I went to high school with the guys that started and own Late Night Slice (Mike).

Seal

Anonymous said...

Smaller world, the owner (Mikey) is dating my really good friend.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh and I banged his sister.

Seal

GMoney said...

Great world: This Mike fella is trying to kill Drew for you.

Prime99 said...

So the Mikey guy gave Drew the runs, is friends with Seal, and is fucking Ide's male friend? I just assumed that Ide would have a "really good [female] friend." Mikey been busy!

G$'s coaching requirement is to recruit well. Basketball iq and inspiring leadership are overrated. Basically, you want Nick Nolte from Blue Chips before he developed a case of guilty conscience.

I actually had the stomach flu two years ago. It was the worst. Sounds like you're feeling too normal (besides the shitting and puking) for it to be that.

Anonymous said...

I read about that dude. He said before opening the pizza shops he traveled the country with strippers as a stripper DJ.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the info Prime. I'm about to talk another shit and then get some Gatorade and a thermometer. I've had some chills, so I may have a fever. But, yeah...I don't feel all that terrible currently.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Flu B is around right now. If you get Tamiflu into you soon it might lessen the length and severity of your illness.

And yes, I do play a doctor on TV.

GMoney said...

Basically, you want Nick Nolte from Blue Chips before he developed a case of guilty conscience.

Precisely. As long as Gary Busey is unavailable.

Jeff said...

Clemson should've hired Gregg Marshall. He was right in their backyard too at Winthrop. Apparently he is a giant egotistical asshole, but then again what head coach isn't. He would've been a much better hire than Brownell, actually anyone would've.

Food poisoning is the worst. I gotten it twice, once from Five Guys and the other time from Pita Pit and haven't been back to either since.

Brady said...

Whoa! Take one day off and it's like WebMD on this mofo. I say you just drink it away, Drew.

After having Urban as a coach for the last year, I don't know how I supported any other kind of coach. If your head dude isn't willing to call people out in public, be cocky and have a permanent red ass, you haven't found your coach yet.

Windians first game went exactly how I want all of them to go. Masterson struggled at times and had a ton of help from his defense but ended up going 6 with only 1 ER. Then Smith, Pestano and Perez shut the door in the last three frames. Timely hitting and Cabrera's 2-run bomb were enough to shut down the Jays. Beatuiful example of a baseball game.

GMoney said...

Can someone please poison BradyCakes? If you put rat poison on Justin Masterson's dick, that should take care of this problem.

Brownell was awesome at Wright State. He might be a little over his head in the ACC though.

I've never had food poisoning because I am a winner and I refuse to let a meal kick my ass.

The Iceman said...

Recruiting BradyCakes to read this blog is by far my worst contribution here. I formerly apologize to all.

I guess chucking basketballs at players and calling them faggots is something that gets you fired these days. Rutgers officially canned Rice an hour ago.

Anonymous said...

'Merica has grown soft. What great coach DOESN'T physically and emotionally abuse you? Hell, Urban Meyer made the shitty players dress in lavender and called them gay, just last year.

One time in HS, I fucked up and got the shit kicked out of me during wrestling. It was retarded on my part for sure, and definitely a mistake on something we practiced over and over. Did that stop the coach from singling me out and forcing me to either A) run around the practice room in just my underwear or B) keep my dignity and make the whole team pay. I chose A, because I am a man, and I feared the wrath of what would've happened to me if I went B. Embarrassing? You betcha, but traumatizing, God no, we were awesome, I was pretty good, and I have my coaches to thank for all of that.

In short, whoever took that video needs to be shot. They take videos because they are too big of faggots to play sports or are just plain pussies. They are Greg Paulus.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I get the flu about once every 5 years, if that. My method is to sit on the shitter and force myself to drink massive amounts of water. Initially, you may only retain 5% of what you drink, but if you keep drinking, that amount adds up and you begin to be able to retain more and more, which helps your fight the virus. Ultimately, this strategy has shortened my flu bouts considerably.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Ide, I think that every team at every school tapes practice. Releasing it to the public is a curious choice though but this guy was clearly an asshole and there is nothing better than watching an asshole get served when he sucks at his job (and he did).

Listen to Dr. LS who is the biggest Ohio, Notre Dame, and all things Big Ten fan on the planet. Nailed it.

Anonymous said...

I was directed to this article at Deadspin about how if Louisville's Kevin Ware's teammates were girls, they would have rushed to his aid when they saw his leg split in half, rather than turning away. Look at the first comment...it's hilarious.

http://deadspin.com/columnist-if-kevin-wares-teammates-were-women-they-w-465334303

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

Did I read somewhere that some guy tried to blackmail Rutgers for a million bucks to not release that tape? I can't remember where I saw that.

I'm not all over Masterson's dick quite yet. He had two really shaky innings and was only bailed out by Cabrera and Kipnis. Dude has sick stuff but doesn't know where it's going half the time.

You'll have to poison me some other way.

Anonymous said...

The Cubs in 1st place by themselves. Next year is here Prime! Go Cubs Go!

Buke

Prime99 said...

Buke speaks the TRUF! The Cubs pretty much already won the World Series after Monday's performance.

If you were somehow able to put poison in the Weather Channel, Cakes wouldn't last a day.

Brady said...

The Weather Channel is lame. I get all of my amazing weather info from accuweather.com and noaa.gov. That's where all the sweet maps and blogs are at. Try again, Prime!

Anonymous said...

You have multiple weather sources? Jesus.

Ide

GMoney said...

We should have killed BradyCakes when we had the chance. This is on all of us.

Mark Cuban wanting to draft Britney Griner is hilarious.

The Iceman said...

You know how old 'Nam vets sit up until 3AM listening to their police scanner while clutching their military issued rifles? Well, that's BradyCakes. Except replace police scanner with digital clock that displays the weather and replace rifle with dick.

The Iceman said...

We didn't really have any physically or emotionally abusive coaches when I was in high school. Actually I take that back. Sonnyberger was pretty destructive. And Downey was clearly a serial killer. I'll never forget the story that Javin Cline...or maybe it was Tim Burke told me about Downey sitting on his back porch at 3am just staring into the woods for hours on end. Probably listening to the cries of the tortured souls he buried out there.

Our basketball coach was a joke. My senior year we fuckin ran that team and never listened to him. Called our own plays, ran our own defense, decided when and when not to press. He never had the sack to call us out on it because we were winning.

GMoney said...

I loved Sonnyberger. Sure he was a lunatic who would eat grass and rub mud on his face during practice but that just means that he was overqualified to coach at LSU.

"Ran our own defense"...LOL!

The Iceman said...

And by "ran our own defense" I mean "waited for someone to throw me the ball so I could drain one from 22 and salute the Canyon Crew".

Brady said...

Weather is a fickle bitch. You can't trust just one source when trying to figure her out.

I remember being called a "fag" and "motherfucker" on teams as early as 8th grade. I thought that was par for the course in athletics.

GMoney said...

I'm not going to lie, tomorrow's post is going to be a good one.

Anonymous said...

Blue Jackets making moves?

Seal

GMoney said...

Why didn't any of you asshole Indians fans tell me about that deranged Blue Jays fan that caught the bat and then went insane last night! Best GIF I've seen in a very long time.

GMoney said...

GET THE FUCK OUT, STEVE MASON!!! YOU SUCK ALL THE DICKS!!!

Gaborik for Brassard, John Moore, and an injured Dorsett??? I'll take that shit. Moore sucks. Dorsett is a tough but low on skill. And Brassard is a FA who never lived up to potential.

GMoney said...

Got Blake Comeau from Calgary, too! WE DEALIN'!!!

Making over the roster and not giving up any of those picks. Jarmo and JD are killing it!

Anonymous said...

Man, I have my browser down for 20 minutes and CBJ goes HAM on the league. WE ON!

Ide

Anonymous said...

Well, my girlfriend just left her shift at the hospital four hours early due to vomiting and the rest...guess, I can rule out food poisoning as she wasn't with me for the pizza last night.

LOLZ AT MINNESOTA BASKETBALL

--Drew

Anonymous said...

haha

Ide

GMoney said...

Let's get rid of Harriet Tubman Smiff and hire the Pitino son that was not aborted. BRILLIANCE!

Jackets making THEEEEEE statement of the day. The fact that someone waved their no trade clause immediately to come to the Bus says that this is no longer a place that no one wants to play and that Tortorella is a total asshole that no one wants to play for.

As the immortal Mike Sexton would say, "WE'RE GOIN' FOR IT, VINCE!"

Big LOL to the Rangers for getting fleeced by the CBJ TWICE in less than a year. You idiots are terrible. Thanks for the lottery pick, too, jerks. Ide, go down to MSG tonight with your finest flag and just laugh at them all.

Anonymous said...

Well, doing that today will probably just get me robbed. The outside of MSG is a who's who in thugs, bums, whores, and minorities, many (all) of which are probably felons.

I will be front and center at every MSG game next year CARRYING THE FLAG. I might even be the asshole who ties the flag to a worn hockey stick and wave it obnoxiously for the camera.

Ide

Brady said...

The Indians game offered TWO great GIF's from last night. The lunatic who caught the bat and one brah giving a fake handy to his friend brah. Has Canada lost its' mind all of a sudden?