Thursday, April 25, 2013

G$'s Annual NFL Mock Draft

Kirk was a Tenor before Tim.
Yes, this gem of a picture comes courtesy of Kirk Cousins' earlier days in high school show choir.  I look forward to dealing him to the Browns/Bills/Jets next year for a first round pick and more.  I mean, now that we have Pat White, Cousins serves very little purpose.  Anyway, IT IS DRAFT DAY!!!  This is my favorite day of the sports year.  Anyone who knows me or has lived with me knows how much I love the NFL Draft.  You all are aware by now of my decades-plus long streak of yelling SUPER BOWL! as soon as the Redskins have made their (usually high) first round choice but that will be delayed until tomorrow unfortunately.  Whatever, I'm going to be just as glued to the TV tomorrow night as I am tonight.

This year's draft is OBVZ not very star-studded but there is a HUGE potential for major LULZ with the poopy quarterbacks that bad teams are going to over-draft.  As is also tradition here, how about I unleash my mock draft which, I believe, no one else on the internet is doing.  I base my picks on there being no trades and based on need.  It isn't rocket science.  I'm not going to break down every pick, but I will stop along the way to explain myself at points.  

1. Kansas City - Luke Joeckel, OT, Texas A&M.  There is no more important position in football than the one protecting Alex Smith's blind side and tiny hands.
2. Jacksonville - Sharrif Floyd, DT, Florida
3. Oakland - Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri.  Al Davis may be dead but I still expect to cry laughing over who the Raiders take at 3.
4. Philadelphia - Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan.  Chip wants MACtion.
5. Detroit - Ziggy Ansah, DE, BYU.  It makes sense.  This guy doesn't have the biggest body of work to go off of but by all accounts, he is a freak pass rusher and the Lions lost Avril and Klan-denbosch.  They will address their terrible OT situation later.

6. Cleveland - Dion Jordan, DE/OLB, Oregon - DON'T DRAFT A CORNER HERE.  You don't need two shutdown cornerbacks (especially one with a sketchy injury history).  Look at the all of the good teams in the league...none of them have more than one.  Good teams build inside out, not outside in.  You just switched to a 3-4 so go get the best pass rusher left to go on the opposite side of Paul K-uger.  This isn't that hard.  Dude played for Chip Kelly so you know he's sick.
7. Arizona - Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma
8. Buffalo - Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse.  There is nothing more Bills than signing Kevin Kolb and then drafting someone in the first round worse than him.  Keep loading up on Syracuse guys though, I'm sure that it will work out well.
9. New York Jets - Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama
10. Tennessee - Star Lotulelei, DT, Utah

11. San Diego - Chance Warmack, OG, Alabama
12. Miami - DJ Hayden, CB, Houston.  This draft is setting a record for most guys drafted with heart issues.
13. New York Jets - Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame. McShay thinks that he could go 6 to the  Drafting a TE in the top ten worked out so well for them the last time.
14. Carolina - Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia.  You know how Urban Meyer only recruits "the next Percy Harvin"?  Austin is the Harvin of this draft.  He'll be ELITE with Cam and Smiff.
15. New Orleans - Barkevious Mingo, DE/OLB, LSU

16. St. Louis - Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas
17. Pittsburgh - Jarvis Jones, OLB, Georgia.  This is the best pick for the Trash and they always have the right people fall to them.  Jones immediately replaces James Harrison and they won't lose a beat.  I assume that Jones will lead the league in fines in no time.
18. Dallas - DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama
19. New York Giants - Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State
20. Chicago - Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford.  The Bears signed some OL in free agency so they should concern themselves now with giving Catler another option that isn't bi-polar.  Ertz is a freaking animal. 

21. Cincinnati - Justin Pugh, OT, Syracuse. Got to replace Andre Smith's bosoms and Andrew Whitworth is getting old as shit.  Plus, I feel that Mike Brown prefers white guys.
22. St. Louis - Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee.  This guy apparently has a terrible attitude but has Randy Moss skills.  I wouldn't be a good guy either if my college coach ate from the toilet.
23. Minnesota - Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida State
24. Indianapolis - Jonathon Cooper, OG, North Carolina

25. Minnesota - Manti T'eo, LB, Notre Dame.  I can't wait to hear about all of the times in training camp where All Day fucking ruins him.
26. Green Bay - Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama.  They aren't going to be a legit Super Bowl threat if they can't run the ball.
27. Houston - Matt Elam, S, Florida
28. Denver - Kyle Long, OG, Oregon

29. New England - Keenan Allen, WR, California.  I was unable to get a scouting report from Prime on this guy.  But I do know that the Patriots have shitty wide receivers.
30. Atlanta - Sylvester Williams, DT, North Carolina
31. San Francisco - Datone Jones, DE, UCLA
32. Baltimore - Kevin Minter, LB, LSU

As you can see, it is not the sexiest of drafts.  A lot of quality beef but not a lot of good flash.  Speaking of which!!!
That's a pretty solid impression of "Buttfucking Frankenstein"
Oh wow.  I had no idea that "The Sugar Bowl That Never Happened" turned into an episode of Queer As Folk.  These two fit each other like a glove.

So there you go.  Don't burn yourself out because we will be talking draft tomorrow and Monday as well.  What do you want your team to do (besides trade back because everyone wants that)?  Who would be your best case first round pick?  Worst case?  Remember how my team got RG3 last year?  That was great.  Enjoy the Draft tonight and prepare for an ELITE recap of Ide's trip into the lion's den AKA Radio City Music Hall (I think)!  That should be humorous.  One more thing...BEAT DALLAS!  CARRY THE FLAG!


Anonymous said...

How bout those Red Wings?!?!?!

G$ should watch the Jackets over the OVERRATED draft tonight.

The Draft being your favorite sports day of the year is amazingly dumb.

I don't want Ansah. I'm hoping Fisher somehow falls in our lap...or I'd take Millner.


Grumpy said...

Jones has spinal stenosis. Very risky pick, but if he's there I think the Steelers take him.

Mr. Ace said...

Only 1 qb in the first round? Not hatnenin. I predict 4 qbs go in the 1st round tonight because the nfl is dumb.

If Dion Jordan is available I think the Eagles take him. I wouldnt mind an OT or a DT tho.

I dont think there is a move that I would absolutely hate. I would rather not take Milliner at 4, but wouldnt be upset about it. Worst case is they fall in love with Tavon Austin...but even that gives ke a little boner in Kelly's offense.

Anonymous said...

"Here, let me show you how I did it to your sister!"

GMoney said...

Anon wins! Terrific caption!

OVERRATED coming from a guy who loves recruiting. Eat shit. You know nothing.

McShay has Geno going to Cleveland. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!

Ape, as I said, it's more what I think teams should do over what they will do. ZERO qbs should go in the first round.

Jeff Carter can eat all the dicks. When will that faggot stop ruining the CBJ?

MUDawgfan said...

Atlanta lost Dunta Robinson and Brett Grimes in this off season. We need tackles, but CB seems to be most pressing.

I would hope they draft Xavier Rhodes or Desmond Trufant of Washington.

Always and forever - Fuck the Saints.

Mr. Ace said...

G $, so you think Buffalo SHOULD draft Nassib?

Bravo, Anon.

Anonymous said...

Developments abound!

My gym is about a block from Radio City, so I walked by it to get a little excited. One fan camped out...Eagles fan complete with Mohawk. This is funny because they give you assigned seats, its not first come first served.

So i turn the corner and run into the people making the Browns movie. I TOTES asked to be in it. No SAG card means no movie. And my dreams are dashed.


GMoney said...

No. Absolutely not but that is the one pick that I made because it will probably happen and will be LOL. Nassib throws the ball from his fucking ear!

Where did Dunta go? I know that Grimes went to Miami, I missed Robinson bailing.

GOD, I LOVE TODAY! TWO Jets picks tonight equals twice as many boos!

GMoney said...

Sounds like Eric Fisher might go #1 tonight. MACTION!!!

That movie about the Browns front office will be the best comedy of all time.

Shook's Son said...

Been there. Done that.

GMoney said...


Anonymous said...

My new goal is to weasel my way onto that movie. This funeral today is really rustling my jimmies though. I just found out its in fucking Jersey too. I hate this guy for dying (don't know the guy, but if I did, I'd still hate him).


Mr. Ace said...

So I looked on the FB page for that alumni Defi/Naptown game and R-house is asking how to register. I imagine him as that crazy LB in The Replacements. Somebody needs to stream that live.

Mr. Ace said...

Ide is a Funeral Crasher. Makes sense. MOM THE MEATLOAF!!!

MUDawgfan said...

"Where did Dunta go? I know that Grimes went to Miami, I missed Robinson bailing."

We cut him to save 6.5 million in cap space. He signed with the Chiefs.

The Iceman said...

I'm with G$. Draft day is fucking awesome. Although instead of yelling "Super Bowl" when the Browns pick, I shout "4-12!".

I actually want Millner over Jordan. Cleveland doesn't need Jordan because Sheard is gonna play that other OLB position in the 3-4...and Buster Skrine is a straight butt. If not Millner than trade back with someone like New York and grab Zach Ertz.

I wouldn't mind taking a chance on E.J. Manuel in the 2nd round...maybe 3rd if he's still there. Big, mobile guy with a big arm. He's improved every single year as a passer and completed something like 66% of his throws last year...and he's not in his 30's. He's also surprisingly high character which usually doesn't happen at FSU.

Eddie Lacy is this year's Ryan Broyles for me. LOVE Eddie Lacy and I think he's going to be a fucking stud.

The Iceman said...

Photo Caption

"Wide butt or small make the call."

Anonymous said...

No, no, no, this is how you dot the i!

Anonymous said...

"So this is what being a topper feels like!"


Jeff said...

"Woooooooooo, Pig ! Sooie!"

Jeff said...

Fuck Jeff Carter!

I'll take Jarvis!

G$, If you spend more time watching the draft than the GAME you're a queer and deserve to take Andy's place in that picture.

My friend who is a CBJ partial season ticket holder gave me a code to purchase playoff tix. Of course I did! Now will I get to use them is the question???? CARRY IT MOFOS!!

Set up your phone to get text messages or have Ide live text you(terrible idea) with picks since you don't have twitter. Hearing McShay and Kiper use cliches all night is far from entertaining.

Picture and picture with no sound from the draft would almost be acceptable.

Prime99 said...

"You think this feels good? Wait til I tickle your tainted with my stubbled double chin!"

I'm in on the Bears getting Ertz or another OL. Just because they got a guy in free agency, doesn't mean they couldn't use more.

Prime99 said...

Speaking of TE's, why exactly did the Bears trade Greg Olsen a couple years ago? Jerry Angelo and Mike Martz are the worst.

GMoney said...

My remote will be getting a workout tonight (as well as the fleshlight). Thanks for buying me playoff tickets, Jeff! Let's hope that they are needed.

R-House will start a new steroid cycle now in order to be ready to play on 8/3. By play, I mean murder someone. 80% of the people playing in this game would never pass a drug test. It's going to be a lot of John Simon-types out there...looks great but can't play.

Ice, why would you waste a top 6 pick on a second CB? That doesn't make sense to me. And you need more than 2 pass rushers. I would be more OK with the Brownstains taking Eifert at 6 than Milliner. Just because a guy played for Nicky SabeCakes (the original Cakes!) doesn't mean that you should take him.

Serious question: What happened to Lardo Jon Hankins? He seemed like a surefire top 15 pick during the season and I haven't heard anything about him over the past few months. Did he give up the NFL to join the professional ham hock eating circuit?

Brady said...

The EJ Manuel chatter was really amping up on Cleveland radio this morning. I didn't watch much of Florida St. but he looked pretty good the times I did see them. I would be OK with that pick in the 2nd round.

I'm going back and forth on this Milliner pick. It would be awesome to have another shut down corner so we could move Skrine to the nickle. HOWEVAH, we really need another pass-rushing LB. Nobody is really sure how this Sheard move is going to work out. Having Dion Jordan would be tits. I guess I'm OK either way. What I'm not OK with is picking a fucking TE from Notre Dame at 6. McShay can get fucked.

I also started hearing more rumors about a Ryan Mallett trade. Umm, front office, we already have one of those.

GMoney said...

EJ Manuel couldn't smooth a silk shirt if he had a hot date with a...I lost my train of thought.

You'd be happier with Charlie Manuel at QB.

The Iceman said...

I'll tell you why, G$. Because with the 6th pick if there isn't an obvious move then you go with the best player available with the least bust potential if you aren't trading back. Browns need another corner because Skrine sucks elephant balls and they also need a pass rusher. I think Milliner is better than Jordan and is less likely to bust.

Here's a question for you. If Jordan is supposed to be this ELITE pass rusher with freakish athletic ability...why didn't he have more than 5 sacks and 11 tackles for loss last year? And don't tell me it's because the PAC-12 doesn't pass much because we know that isn't true. If you can't register sacks or get TFL in the PAC-12 then you can't in the NFL. Also keep in mind this guy was a TE up until like 3 years ago. I'm not a fan of that.

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, if u r using that logic then Warmack is the choice. I actually like that pick for them. Give Richardson some maulers to run behind and hand him the ball 30 times. That will make Wheedon look much better. Milliner is nice, but probably isnt a top 10 pick in any draft in the last 10 years or so.

Brady said...

I think the Warmack pick is intriguing as well. If they can somehow trade down 6-8 spots and grab Warmack along with a 2nd rounder I would be happy. A healthy Richardson would look really good running behind that line.

Jeff said...

Ain't nobody trading a 2nd rounder to move up 6-8 spots in this draft.

GMoney said...

"Best Player Available" is a retarded philosophy. It's something dumb that Bill Polian says. I actually agree with Cowherd on this...pick based on need as long as it isn't a massive reach.

I mean, if the Vikings have Lacy at the top of their board at 21, should they take him then? Of course not because that is stupid.

If you're picking at the top of the draft, you have massive holes on your roster. This is not breaking news. You shouldn't then spend your top pick on a guy who will be covering the Emmanuel Sanders, Mohamed Sanu, and Jacoby Jones of the world. Buster Skrine probably does suck if he plays for the Browns. But if you can keep Haden off of the Adderall then you can shade your entire coverage to that side. It's Football 101.

I truly believe that Milliner would be the absolute worst pick that the Browns could make.

If you don't like Jordan, that's fine. Maybe Floyd or Lolutelei can play end in the 3-4 (or even Ansah).

GMoney said...

I actually like the idea of drafting one of the big mauling guards. It makes perfect sense.

Also: a QB would be the worst pick possible at 6; not Milliner.

The Iceman said...

I would be okay with Warmack at 6.

Why are you so against having 2 stud corners? I don't understand how that would be a bad thing. If you already have 2 guys who can get to the QB in Sheard and Kruger, and an interior that's big enought to at least slow the run...why not go after a guy that everyone says is the best corner in the draft? Why is it so bad to have 2 shut down corners?

Jeff said...

Leon Sandcastle is the best corner in the draft.

Mr. Ace said...

G$ makes some elite points. If you can get 2 shut down corners like Seattle did it (not 2 first round picks) then great. But the Browns have more pressing needs than another corner. I dont think Milliner is close to a guaranteed thing either. I like the Warmack pick the most. He is a starter from day one qnd seems like the surest thing in this draft.

As I have thought about this all day. I will be happy if Philly gets any of the OT's. Not sexy, but needed. Fisher would be great, but Johnson seems like a great fit for us. Super Bowl.

GMoney said...

Here is exactly why Milliner should not be the pick at 6 for the Browns:

*Browns fans have collectively deemed him the pick that they all prefer
*Browns fans don't know anything about football
*If they did, they wouldn't be Browns fans
*What Ape said
*You have no idea if Sheard can play OLB in the 3-4
*You speak as if you are a #2 CB away from having the '85 Bears defense.
*Again, you need more than two pass rushers
*The last team that tried to lock down the secondary was the Eagles the last two years (with better players and a better scheme). Guess what? Teams still threw on them...A LOT.

To me, it's just unnecessary.

In conclusion, do not draft a guy that Browns fans want because Browns fans don't have any fucking clue what they want. After completely buttfucking the pre-draft trade with the Rams last year and missing out on TRANSCENDENCE, you should probably figure out how to make T-Rich the best RB in the league as a means of justifying that. Go get a lineman if pass rusher doesn't do anything for you.

Anonymous said...

Having my first Old Fashioned of the day. Shore up defense or OL. Do NOT get Geno.We aren't picking 6. We will trade. BANK IT.

Kevin Costner told me so.


Prime99 said...

Browns should deal with the Niners- they have picks to burn worse than Jimmy BRAH's gonherria.

According to ESPN, the only two teams drafting are the Jets and Cowboys. Why even worry about the other teams?

The Iceman said...

I realize the browns are multiple players away from an ELITE defense. But at some point they're going to need a second corner better than a guy who should be in the arena league. If you have a guy who most scouts say is the best corner and has only slipped because of health concerns ( same thing happened with AP) and a chance to take him at 6, then why not? The Browns have consistently shown they are unable to identify good cornerbacks in the later rounds so doing what Seattle did is almost out of the question.

I trust Sheard to make the OLB transition more than I trust Jordan to come in an be the impact player some people think he has the potential to be. Sheard is one of those hybrid guys who has the potential to be a great OLB. Obviously time will tell. But I think in the end Sheard > Jordan at that position.

Like I said...if Cleveland decides to go OL with the pick I won't be upset. But if it comes down to Milliner or anyone else on defense, I would want the potential shut down corner since we're complete ass on one side of the passing field.

The Iceman said...