Thursday, April 18, 2013

Finally It Ends...

Congratulations, everybody, you made it! We all got through the long and tedious NBA regular season unscathed. Oh sure, I’ll have the scars on my forearms forever from the Cavs turning me into a cutter, but we survived. Now that all of the losers have gone fishin’, we can finally get down to the business of…waiting to see who will likely get swept by the Heat in the Finals. Dammit.
I am writing this up before the big games out West have commenced and they are actually quite important to me. You see, the Cavs are allowed to swap first round picks with the Lakers if the make the playoffs (the Heat’s pick which is the last pick in the first round). If the Lakers lost last night and missed the playoffs, that lottery pick goes to Phoenix from the Nash trade. Should the Lakers get in (and I assume that they will because the NBA is crooked) then Cleveland can go from a likely top 5 pick and pick 30 to a likely top 5 pick and a pick somewhere in the mid-teens. That is big and, unfortunately, draft slotting is the only exciting thing about rooting for this team anymore. We need all the help that we can get to lure a certain someone back to Norf Beach (or at least Kevin Love who could re-create Pepsi Max scenes with Uncle Drew for all of eternity). Whatever. I’m sure that they’ll use that second first rounder on Tim Hardaway Jr AKA 2016 Croatian League sixth man of the year.

Anyway, with the conclusion of the season, it might be time to see how Iceman and I did in our prediction post from early November. There was always a ton of criticism lobbed at Ice for using his weekly forum to discuss pro basketball but he didn’t do that very much at all this year so you should all thank him. He is a man of the people who cleans a mean attic.  Today, though, we will take three steps before dunking.

OVERRATED teams – Iceman went 2 for 2 by calling out the Celtics and the Lakers. I went 0 for 2 with bad picks of the Bulls and Clippers.
Underrated teams – The 76ers are being overlooked, eh, you dumbass? You know nothing! I crushed it by correctly implying that the Hawks and Spurs were being undervalued.

Breakout Player – We both missed on this one for very different reasons. Hilariously, Iceman was expecting a big year from Zack Prime’s father. I put down Lou Williams but he blew out his knee in January so I’m giving myself a bit of a mulligan for that.
Bold Predictions – They weren’t very good but were definitely highlighted by my partner in internet claiming that the Celtics would miss the playoffs while I wildly stated that James Harden would be a massive failure. Whoops.

MVP – I picked LeBron. He didn’t. I win.
Rookie of the Year – Nice call on Lillard, Ice. You’ve done well for yourself at assessing the STREMPHs of young black men. It looks like I sort of hedged my bets by selecting Dion Waiters and Andre Drummond. Not bad picks, but both had uneven seasons while showing flashes of superstardom at points.

Worst team not named Bobcats – Ice picked Orlando. I picked Phoenix. Both are picking in the top 5. What can I say, we both know losers.
Sleeper Fantasy Player – I don’t know if Iceman’s buddy Goran Dragic was worth a shit this year or not. I do know that after a slow start, my boy Ersan Ilyasova, was a stat sheet stuffer as I predicted.
Playoff bound!
Playoff picks: I got 13 out of 16. He got 12. I am better. Nice call on Golden State; also a nice call with the Pistons and Wizards.
NBA Champion – well, at least we’re going to get the winner right
Ice: Heat over Clippers G$: Heat over Lakers

What do you expect from your Pistons/Cavs this season (with record)
Detroit: First, I expect them to be fucking watchable. It's been far too long since I've been able to enjoy a Pistons game that's still competitive deep into the 4th quarter. Second, I expect them to do something about Chaz Villanueva. And by something I mean anything besides issuing him a game day jersey. Cut him, trade him, slice him up into tiny pieces and mail his parts to different parts of the country. I don't fucking care as long as this Uncle Fester looking dick cheese doesn't see the floor. Finally, I expect playoffs. 43-39 should just about do it. (Actual number of wins – either 29 or 30)
Cleveland: I like the make-up and overhaul of the Cavs roster. Don’t get me wrong, they still aren’t close to competing in a much better Eastern conference this year, but they should be more competitive (barring injuries of course). Kyrie is a stud and he and Andy have a dynamite pick and roll game. I don’t think that they will play any defense whatsoever though. It would be nice if Andy could stay healthy all year and maybe draw huge interest at the trade deadline. I see the Cavs winning 33 or 34 games this year and planting themselves firmly in the lottery again. I’ll go with 33-49. (Actual number of wins – either 24 or 25)

God, our teams suck. Will they ever stop being a disappointment? Needless to say, we did OK. If you want to call us out on anything today, go for it. If you don’t want to talk about the NBA playoffs, I’m not going to stop you. If you want to talk about the NHL Western Conference playoff chase (WHO DOESN’T?), I will gladly jump in on that convo. You’ve been around here long enough. You know how it works.

The Lakers had better have fucking won last night or I’m going to be SO MAD BRO. Either way, when the playoffs end in 9 months, the last team standing will have actually earned a ring.  That will be a pleasant surprise.


Prime99 said...

First off, the Lakers Deal With It GIF is fucking LOLZ! Excellent selection.

Your teams (Cavs/Pistons) are atrocious. The ghosts of LeBron and Ben Wallace will likely haunt those two franchises for years to come.

Would Iceman spontaneously ejaculate if the Pistons draft Trey Burke? Oddly, the result may be the same if Treburksus is drafted by the Cavs.

Still no word on D. Rose? That's no fun. The Bulls can beat the Nets either way, but I'd love to see Rose's #TheReturn (nice marketing Adidas- especially if he doesn't #TheReturn this season.) No chance against the Heat, though- OBVS.

Anonymous said...

Derrick Rose is a pussy. Neither of you predicted that.

Anonymous said...


There is that false sense of hope coming in. I pray these teams rest their good guys so we can slide into the playoffs. BoBRAH just needs to hang in there!

Lakers get the 7? San Antonio will push their shit right in. Apes happiness withstanding, I can't wait. I wonder if Buke remembers when Tim Duncan ruined the Suns playoffs with a stone cold buzzer beater 3. I bet he remembers.


Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

CARRY IT! Duck hunt was a success, now it's time to kill Carter! Players are all adrenaline and feeling no pain at this point, this is the time when having a younger squad pays off in a shortened season.

GMoney said...

The Jackets are going to give me a heart attack but I'm loving every second.

Hey Wings fans, tell me how our ass tastes!!! Way to lose to terrible Calgary.

Thank you, Lakers, and thank you in advance for allowing me to laugh at Steve Blake trying to guard Tony Parker's baguette.

I always like to look at the matchups and identify which series is going to be on NBA TV only. Helloooooooooo Pacers/Hawks!

GMoney said...

And yes, Prime, Laker Bros always make me smile.

Prime99 said...

Only second to 60s Spider-Man memes. The one I put on ide's Facebook is probably my favorite.

Jeff said...

I was planning on "resting my eyes" after the 2nd period until the 3rd started and low and behold I wake up and I missed both goals in the 3rd. LOLZ at me! I made sure to stay awake for the rest of it though. I will not miss west coast road trips when we're the BEASTS OF THE EAST next year.

GMoney said...

Yeah, there is about a zero percent chance that I stay up for the entirety of the Kings game tonight. I should probably just turn it off after the first period and assume that we will win in some bizarre fashion. By the way, the second goal scored by the Ducks last night was the biggest piece of shit ever.


Anonymous said...

Not that anyone cares (nor did it matter), but nice performace by the Jazz last night in a game they had to win to get in. God hates Cleveland, so I am incredibly surprised the Lakers got in.

Nerlens to the Cavs?

I believe the NFL schedule comes out tonight, no? Which means we are now scheduling my bachelor party - a bunch of us traveling to an away Browns game to destroy that city and look like asshole Browns fans at an away game. Should be incredible.


GMoney said...

Seal, I don't want Nerlens. I want a guy who can play immediately. It's time to start winning games. I'm sick of tanking every year. After this draft, the talent will be there. It is time to put it together otherwise we run the risk of being the goddamn Kings and not the Thunder. Losing breeds losers.

My picks:
Heat over Bucks in 4
Celtics over Knicks in 7
Pacers over Hawks in 6
Bulls over Nets in 6

Thunder over Rockets in 5
Spurs over Lakers in 5
Nuggets over Warriors in 7
Clippers over Grizz in 7 (sneaky awesome series)

And of course Blue Jackets over Blackhawks in 4...but I'm getting ahead of myself

GMoney said...

Seal, what divisions do the Browns play this year? Oh who cares, we all know that you want to go to Pittsburgh, you hillbilly.

Jeff said...

Way ahead of yourself G$. At this breakneck pace we're gonna be the 4 seed...

GMoney said...

Exactly what I was thinking...we will sweep Chicago in the conference semis. Sorry for being so vague. GOTTA SEE IT LIVE!!!

Anonymous said...

"Derrick Rose is a pussy. Neither of you predicted that."

Too bad this comment wasn't claimed. Because its a gem.

I love the NBA playoffs even though the Pistons haven't been there in a coon's age. The only thing I have to cheer for every year is for Tyler hansBRAH to get the shit kicked out of him on the court after he roid rages someone going for a rebound.

In my defense the Sixers would've been better than shit if Bynum didn't have the knees of an 80 year old roofer. Speaking of pussies....remember when I told everyone how despite his talent Bynum wasn't worth the risk because of his knees that are made of butthole skin? And remember when G$ said the opposite? Just wanted to remind everyone of that.

Prime99 said...

Bynum ruined my fantasy basketball team. I should've listened to that prediction.

Blackhawks in 4 or 5 no matter who they play. Better get at least the seven seed. CARRY THE FAGS!

Anonymous said...

Oh....and Dragic finished 47th in fantasy points. Not quite the 1st round fantasy production I predicted but better than most people probably expected.

Why do you keep believing in the Celtics, G$?! STOP SUPPORTING BILL SIMMONS!!!

Ide said...

The Heat better hope they don't see the Pacers. HansBRAH will go HAM on LeBron's face, and it will be glorious. I hope at least 4 fights start with Psycho T, and I hope he whoops some black ass. I can't root against a white enforcer in the NBA. They are doing the lord's work.


Brady said...

-Going to random cities and acting like an asshole Browns fan is one of my favorite things, Seal! I always wear my gear proudly even if we are the worst team over the past decade (Lions might be in the running for that as well... too lazy to look it up).

-Masterson gets shelled last night! I guess we'll have to wait another six days for a possible win. On the bright side, the walking corpse of Jason Giambi hit a bomb.

-My eyes gloss over at the mere thought of the NBA playoffs. I'll just nod my head and watch you fuckers argue about it today.

GMoney said...

Do 80 year old roofers have bad knees? Is this a stereotype that I should familiarize myself with?

Bynum was a risk. I still think that it is something that was worth it. But Philly is about to feel the wrath of that risk failing miserably.

I agree with Ide. HansBRAH is Bill Laimbeer incarnate. He does nothing well but get under black people's skin. It should be a joy to watch him try to kill Josh Smiff who I'm certain will handle that professionally.

Cakes, after your performance in the comments yesterday with the rest of your turd-sucking alliance, you earned today's post. Drink it in...ALL OF IT!

Hey Ide, ya boy Patton Oswalt is on P&R tonight. He is invading all of your favorite shows!!!

Nate said...

Gene Smith on malt liquor and cash money:

“If you see somebody with a Colt 45 and $500 bills in their hand at a Christmas party, then you got to go and pull them in...”

Anonymous said...

So I've seen. I'm sure it will be sub par. He is the new Dane Cook, or the R Bar of comedy, if you will.

We better be ready in LA tonight. There is still over 500 tickets available according to, so, I hope that crowd is just terrible and we roll. Dallas still scares me because they are in the hunt, so I will be cheering HARD against them. And, I also hope to see San Jose rest everyone. It can happen. JOIN THE BATTLE!


Anonymous said...

Damn G$....sorry to hear that Britney Griner is a lesbo, which eliminates your dream of having sex with her.


GMoney said...

I will turn her. Nothing revs up my engine like a raspy voice and foot long she-penis.

Nice hockey team. I appreciate you ignoring their shittiness.

GMoney said...

So long, Byron Scott. Maybe your next job can be co-host with The Torg. Speaking of which, he asked on FB a few weeks ago if anyone did impressions of different age and race voices. His new show is going to be ridiculously racist. Torg also asked if anyone could do a Gruden impression. I can't say this enough...


Anonymous said...

Bynum worth the risk rivals the most LOLZ statement ever posted here. Not only is he one of the most, if not the most, injury prone players in the history of the league....he's also a huge bitch with a huge attitude problem.

That's like saying, "I know this skank opens her legs to literally any man who has anything that even remotely resembles a penis. And I know she openly encourages guys to go bareback. But she is HAWT and I'm gonna risk raw dogging her myself even though there is a great possibility I'll get HIV. WORTH IT!"

Prime99 said...

Maybe he's interested in a guy who does a mean Chris Hemsworth impression. I may have a guy for him...

GMoney said...

At the time, he was the second best center in the league by far (obvz not anymore). Philly was a minute away from the Eastern Conference Finals last year after losing a tight game 7 in Boston. There was no reason to believe that adding Bynum to that core would make them hit rock bottom. It was a risk worth taking...but now they are going to pay for it dearly.

We'll talk about this more tomorrow but the first MNF game will apparently by Chip Kelly vs. RG3. Oh man, I can't wait. FUCK APE!

Anonymous said...

Among my other gifts, I'm also top 5 in Hemsworth impressions. "This is our home!" It sounds way better in person.