Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Chicago Style Tuesday

As you all know, I spent the last week in Chicago for work training.  It started off with a fucking bang when I checked into my hotel room only to discover it was a total disaster.  It literally looked like someone had just gone down to the pool and were on their way back in 2 seconds.  Then I was promptly moved to a room that had construction going on one floor above me.  Neat.  Other than that, Chicago is a pretty okay place but I would never want to fucking live there.  The main reason is the people drive like total fuck bags.  The speed limit on all of the highways I drove was 55MPH.  That was clearly just a suggestion as most people thought they were driving the fucking Brickyard at Indianapolis.  Even a brisk 65 wasn't fast enough for the dick rags behind me.  Every car was so far up my ass, if I opened my mouth you could see headlights.  After a week I was happy to be back even though the food is way more ELITE than just about any other place I've been.  But no matter what I'll always be grateful for the life lesson I took home from the Windy City courtesy of a billboard on my way to O'Hare.  If you pay for sex you're paying for someone else's misery.  Amen, Chicago.  Amen.  Let's get to it.
Now.  I've done a pristine job of showing everyone here that I enjoy baseball as much as I enjoy a husky man in a leather mask gingerly blowing cool air directly into my butthole as he clamps roach clips to my bare nipples.  But from time to time I will make exceptions if a story needs attention...or if we have readers that follow the baseball team in question.  I saw yesterday that a $500 million renovation for Wrigley Field has been approved with zero tax increase for the blubbery citizens of Chicago.

I understand Wrigley is 100 years old and needs work to keep it as a playable park.  But one thing I hate is when corporate fucks take over and bastardize things about sports that make it great.  I especially hate when pro teams have corporate names for their stadiums.  I know why organizations cave and let businesses spooge their logos all over every fucking thing...but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I REALLY hated it when it happened to Cleveland Browns stadium.  It takes away from what that place represents, in my opinion.  As corny as it sounds, the Browns are a team of the people.  And nothing encompassed that ideal more than naming the stadium after the team that plays there 8 Sundays a year FOR the people.  When you start removing team/fan identity like that, you remove what made that place great to begin with.
Take this renovation, for instance.  Part of the renovation project is putting in a video screen about 3 times the size of the current one, putting sponsorship signs up that will block the view of people who are able to watch games from the roof of their apartment building and making the entire scoreboard digital.  I hate everything about this...and I don't care about baseball.  I'm curious to see how everyone else feels about it.  These are some of the things that made Wrigley an iconic stadium and an awesome place to watch a game despite the ass product on the field.  Someone doing the scoreboard by hand.  Being the lucky sonofabitch who can watch every Cubs home game for free because their roof happens to have an excellent view of the stadium.  The ivy on the wall.  The vintage scoreboard.  Just classic shit that separates the Cubs and their fans from the rest of the teams in baseball.  Now they're getting rid of most of it because they think the renovations will help make them more competitive with the rest of baseball.  I don't buy it.  It sounds like they're making Wrigley the scape goat for management blowing drafts and signing rotten players to awful contracts.  If you have hairy penises running your organization, you're going to suck no matter what your stadium looks like on the inside and out.  MAN, that was a lot of baseball talk.  Moving on.

What the fuck is going on with Derrick Rose?  Side note...big week for Prime!  Not only does he welcome Demarcus Cousins' child into this world, he gets a Tuesday post strictly about two teams he loves.  Talk about a winner!  Anyway.  Super serial...What fucking gives, man?  When a doctor clears your best player to play...YOU FUCKING PLAY HIM!  Am I wrong here?  Rose has been medically cleared to play for over two months now and has yet to see a second of action while Penguin Thibodeau just sits there trying to cram both thumbs up his own dick hole while barfing up convoluted statements to reporters.  Very Gregg Popovich of him...minus the face that resembles an 80 year old nut sack.  What makes this even more bizarre is the latest report out of Chicago suggesting Rose could miss the rest of the season...including the playoffs.  WUT?!
My theory is one of two.  First...Rose's knee injury was far more severe than Chicago was letting on or Rose had some unreported set backs.  Possible, but I'm pretty sure Penguin can get in trouble or fined for lying to reporters or falsifying injury reports.  And by pretty sure I mean sort of sure but too lazy to research it.  It's that type of journalism that really propels you to the top, gentlemen.  So theory 1 is really fucking unlikely...although possible.  Or second...Rose is a titanic puss muscle and is pulling a Ricky Bobby in his "attempt to" return this year.  He can't get over the mental hump and Michael Clarke Duncan is no longer alive to remove the knife from his leg.  So if the second theory is true (more likely) then as a head coach with a playoff team, you do the momma bird thing and heave that bitch out of the nest.  Right?  He tore his ACL almost a full fucking year ago.  A FULL YEAR FOR A 9 MONTH INJURY TOPS!   Wes Welker came back from an ACL tear in like 5 months and played a full season.  And he's a queer little dick sniffer with tiny pig nuts.  If Welker can do it then you're just being a fizzing gash by still faking hurt.  Get back in the game and earn your fucking paycheck.  How am I not a coach at the professional level?

There's a couple of hot topics for your scabs to talk about today.  Shit...we can even talk about the failed attempt to rid the world of Bill Simmons with this Boston Marathon bomb incident.  Too soon?  Little does everyone know the real cause of the explosion was Paul Pierce lighting up the skies with his napalm shit biscuits after all you can eat taco night at Casa Romero.  Further proof Paul Pierce is a terrorist.  And fat.


Anonymous said...

Chicago's restaurants are indeed ELITE. And I agree about Wrigley, it seems to be the renovation that has been a long time coming that no one asked for or wanted. I hope the roofers win their upcoming lawsuit.

CBJ! Still not buying it though. Our next four road games is a murderers row. However, watching Detroit bomb out has been a treat.

I actually side with D Rose here. He has been very candid that he would take longer than the allotted time to come back. He wants to be as explosive as he used to be. The guy played like a wrecking ball, so I get why he wants to take precaution. I, for one, would like to see him return to his previous form.

Enough with this Boston shit. It suckz, but, I can do without the swaths of retards posting on Facebook. I LOVE trolling these assholes that are writing open threatening letters to the guys responsible (READ: Patton Oswald (READ: get fucked)). Nothing like tough talking a guy who bombs a marathon, quasi anonymously through social networking sites. FREEDOM.


Grumpy said...

I thought the Cubs reached an agreement with the roof top owners. And people are paying to watch from there.

Anonymous said...

Rooftop owners and others have an 11 year deal with the Cubs. They pay the Cubs already. The Cubs said it costs them $15 million a year for upkeep to Wrigley. That's chump change. Stop trying to fleece the sheep! And yes Chicago drivers are horrifying. It's bad enough that they fly, but they use all lanes and that includes shoulders to get ahead of you. Not to mention the fact that for many areas they rape you with tolls.

GMoney said...

What everyone else said...rooftop owners aren't going to get shafted on this week. They are the ones who do the shafting!

It's been awhile since I've been inside the stadium but I can't remember them even having a videoboard in that dump. And it is. Wrigley Field is a shithole. They still have urinal troughs! in 2013! Who do they think they are? Yager Stadium?

That was TOTES a Bulls PR move to keep saying that Rose was coming back so that the fans would have something to look forward to and buy tickets.

JACKETS!!! I stood up and did some MJ fist pumps when Foligno potted that OT goal last night. Ide is correct for once that the next 4 roadies are going to be tough as all get out but the team is really confident and it helps to have the hottest goalie on the planet EARF. With Anaheim/LA/SJ/Dallas in the next 10 days, 5 points would be huge. 4 would probably be OK as well as long as they take care of Dallas in regulation. CARRY IT.

Jeff said...

I was ready to turn the TV off and and go to sleep along with the Jackets season and then Umby caught the hail mary and stuffed it home. Watching this team die and come back to life in a span of 10 minutes (real time) was unbelievable. The Wednesday, Thursday back to back will be very difficult, but how can you doubt these guys? Everything from past years tells me to bet against them, but how can you right now? Either way it sure has been one helluva push. CARRY IT!!!

GMoney said...

I wanted to murder Nikki Six last night as it appeared that he had money on Colorado. He has been pretty bad this season.

I really want that final game next Saturday to matter so that Nationwide is rocking for the Preds.

Anonymous said...

Rose will never be the same player after tearing his ACL. The explosiveness and speed will never return to what it once was. If a doctor says that you can play without limitations, then you get your ass out there and play. It's not like the Bulls have nothing to play for. They're a fuckin playoff team! He's been practicing in full without any setbacks for over a month. It's one of the dumbest things I've seen.

"Rooftop owners and others have an 11 year deal with the Cubs. They pay the Cubs already."

Internet journalists attempting to win Pulitzers never bother themselves with tiny details such as these.

Got free Redwings tickets for this coming Monday's game about 6 rows from the ice. Seriously considering not going. That's how much hockey sucks.

MJ fist pumps are so 90's, G$. You need to graduate to Kobe teeth gnashing for celebrations.

Jeff said...

Nikki def had money on the Avs. When the camera panned to him after his fuck ups and you always saw that same tardass facial expression all I could think was they needed to be playing DEEERRRPPPP in the background so I could laugh at him and ease my anger.

Jeff said...

Hopefully "YO ADRIAN" can recoup with this day off eat up more ice time to keep Niks ass on the pine.

Prime99 said...

Theo is trying to renovate Wrigley just like the classy job he did with Fenway. I agree there are some extra changes, but one of the last times I was there, I sat under the overhang which had netting draped across it. This was due to FALLING PIECES OF CONCRETE. Hopefully that is número UNO on the renovation list!

I'm ok with updating Wrigley because of a few things- Wrigley already IS a corporate name! Again, FALLING PIECES OF CONCRETE. And AT&T park is a better overall baseball experience so I'm hoping they update the classic stadium to have a fine modern experience.

D. Rose is probably hurt worse. His BRAH, Reggie, can get fucked. What an asshole! Honestly, I want Rose back 100%. Part of that is his jumping ability which Wes Welker knows nothing about. Rose having to build back explosive jumping seems like it would take a lot longer to come back. Plus, everyone is different. I'm ok with him coming back when he's ready.

Thanks you guys for all the congrats. Just because you are all pedophiles that I now need to protect my son from, doesn't mean that I'm not thankful for your well wishes!

GMoney said...

We're mostly straight pedophiles though. MOSTLY.

What makes you think that Rose will never be the same player? Technology is pretty ELITE these days. Let's be honest: the Bulls aren't going anywhere this year even if he comes back so why risk it? Give him five more months of rehab and set the world on fire next season.

Sitting on the rooftops is more fun than being in the stadium anyway. $50 to sit in the goddamn bleachers? Fuck that. I'll pay $150 to go across the street for all I can eat AND drink.

I believe that the Cubs tried to shield the rooftops off a decade or so ago and it went over about as well as a child rapist in prison.

You enjoy going to Walleye games but are against free Wings tickets right off the ice? You make no sense. Just go and root against Detroit because it would be hilarious if the Blue Jackets beat them out for the final playoff spot.

Bob is ELITE but he is giving up some extremely juicy rebounds of late. I would not be surprised if he gets torched later this week. He's sort of due.

Anonymous said...

I may be a pederast, but I stay with my own kind. Your mulatto bundle of joy is safe from me.

NFL Draft wristband is now in my possession. I have decided that I will offer absolutely zero insight outside of the impending Browns failures. I will, however, be live tweeting (ugh) every awesome insult and racial epithet that I hear. I will be making ELITE observations on the B&T assholes, Jets fans, and minorities in the crowd, it will be a pretty exquisite picture. If last year was any indication, I will probably get banned from twitter.


GMoney said...

Ide's dislike for Patton Oswalt is phenomenal. Stay frosty.

Speaking of Boston, a family friend was literally standing on the other side of the street when those bombs went off. She's fine, but oh man, would I have been not helping people at all if I were in her shoes. She is clearly a hero though because she put together my football yearbook when I was a senior.

Anonymous said...

He is the worst. I actually hated him on Justified, nothing about his character made any sense. What the fuck is a constable, anyways? And one that has a go-bag? Even in the awesome world of Justified, he made absolutely no sense and he wasn't funny. Harf harf, he has an AK and can't even shoot it! Besides, they stole "stay frosty" from Call of Duty. I do enjoy that line though.

ROFLcopters at Oregon.


Anonymous said...

Lolz at Iceman rather living in buttfuck NW Ohio than Chicago. You are so dumb.

One of my best friends since 1St grade works in surgery at a Boston hospital. He did one amputation yesterday. He has sent me some wild pics.


Grumpy said...

LOLZ at Browns new owner under FBI lockdown.

Anonymous said...

"One of my best friends since 1St grade works in surgery at a Boston hospital. He did one amputation yesterday. He has sent me some wild pics."

Ummmmmmmmmm.....can't he be fired for that?

The reason Rose won't be the same player is the same reason a table is never as sturdy as it once was after being fixed. Or how a bone is never as strong after it's been broken. Not to mention if he's playing head games with himself on this injury, he'll never be able to let loose like before in fear he may tear another ACL. I should be a doctor....

Anonymous said...

Blake Griffin is sure you're wrong on that.


GMoney said...

The mental part is the issue--not the physical. Adrian Peterson and soon RG3 prove that surgery doesn't make you less of a player.

I'm going to get Drew's friend fired. HIPAA will have a field day with his tummy sticks parther. I'm quite certain that that is illegal.

A couple other bomb thoughts:
*Man, I really hope that it was some what guy like Tim McVeigh that did this and not Shareef Abdur Rahim. Another war sounds like a god awful idea.

*I freely admit that I'm going to hell for this but when the first bomb went off, that runner whose knees buckled and then he just fell down in the middle of the road was fairly amusing. Just saying. Tragedy or not, people falling down in hilarious fashion is always funny.

Ace said...

No surprise Drew's "friend" has no regard for privacy laws. Morals run low amongst that crew, I bet.

Iceman, bones definitely grow back stronger at the point of the fracture. And players can defintely come back stronger after ACL(or any ligament) surgery because of the rehab that is solely focused on strengthening the muscle groups around the injury, not to mention always improving technology.

Chicago is an awesome city, but I don't think I would like to live there. I think Columbus, and surrounding area, is the perfect combo of urban/suburban/rural for me. Just a quick drive and you are out of the city, not the case with Chicago.

Twitter was pretty glorious last night, in every negative and positive way possible. If IQ tests were a requirement before posting then Twitter usage would drop by 90%.

You knew something was going on at Oregon with the way Kelly handled his exit. He rode it out there as long as he could.

Grumpy, Jimmy Haslam IS a Steeler fan.

GMoney said...

My spelling is atrocious today. It resembles Iceman trying to diagnose a world class afflete's paint tolerance and mental state.

GMoney said...

Byron Scott is going to get fired. Thank God...he has earned his walking papers. There really is no defense as to why he has earned another year.