Friday, April 12, 2013

Blogger's Block Is A Serious Disease

Do not have them.
I've got nothing.  I have been scouring my normally terrific mind as well as numerous web sites for hours and I still can't come up with any sort of topic today.  I'm not going to break down round 1 of The Masters although I can't wait for Sergio Garcia to meltdown and piss his pants.  It's too early to talk about the NFL Draft and too late to talk about college basketball.  I don't particularly care about the final week of the NBA season since we all know that the NBA will never allow Utah to get in over the Lakers.

I'm sure that some of us could talk about the Yankees/Indians series (that we dominated just as much as the rain did) but that is dull.  Or we could perhaps discuss how the hell Columbus, Ohio was deemed the most intelligent city in 'merica.  Needless to say, my back is sore from carrying all of you dumbasses.

Since I'm a real shit, it's time that I punish myself.  That is why I'm opening the floor to everyone to discuss tomorrow's Spring Games.  You know that I hate this so it should illustrate nicely how desperate I am.  Both WE ON and Ohio are doing theirs tomorrow so I'm sure that most of you would love to banter back and forth about what you are looking forward to.  I won't contribute but that's my fault for not being good at this.  The Ohio Buckeyes are taking their caravan of assholes down to Cincinnati as I assume that The Shoe is having human feces smeared all over it or something (which would be a huge improvement).  Whatever.

You want to know something funny?  Miami isn't doing a Spring Game this year and instead doing a "spring scrimmage" because "we don't have the numbers".  I don't even know what this means.  You have 85 scholarships!  How do you not have enough bodies to play an intrasquad game?  Don't Treadwell is the worst head football coach that I've ever seen.  He is a fucking joke.  Apparently, we are going from a spread offense that didn't work to a zone-read offense with a QB that isn't fast and personnel that has provided one of the worst rushing attacks in the country over the past 3 years.  THIS MAKES ZERO SENSE.

If you want to know why I so adamantly root against your teams, just read that paragraph again.  I don't really have a reason to root for mine.  I'll make up for this on Monday.  I promise.


Anonymous said...

I suggest everyone look at JSauls last comment yesterday. It was one of the dumbest comments ever written here. He basically said that all healthy meals with little calories are a huge gimmick because people end up eating more to make up for them. JSaul has never heard the concept of dieting before OBVZ. JSaul is Slow Saul.

I just want no awful injuries in the spring game tomorrow. I would also like to see this unblockable Noah Spence. Spring Games don't even do much for me tho.


Grumpy said...

As one of the tens of people who actually went to Miami's Spring Game, I'm glad to be relieved of that duty.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Drew...unlike GrapeyCakes, I don't get all boned up over the spring game. It's barely football. I'll catch maybe a series or two, but for the most part I'm uninterested at how Devin Gardner looks in April.

Last night I had a steakinator at this place called black rock. It was a steak on a pretzel bun with house made bleu cheese. For an appetizer I had popcorn. The kernels were soaked in bacon fat and topped with shredded cheese after they were popped. Fucking lights out on everything. But I was sure to order a diet Pepsi so all the calories I had really didn't matter since drinking diet always helps you lose weight just by drinking it, right?

GMoney said...

Sounds like I missed quite the show by Dr. Saul yesterday.

Apparently, I should have waited until midnight or so to write this as I could have talked about how stupid Carlos Quentin is for thinking that a pitcher is trying to hit him on a 3-2 count. I guess it comes with the territory if you are named after Carlos Zambrano. LOL pussy boy Greinke breaking his collarbone.

I also have another tremendous story about murder that happened last night which I will get into after I get a little work done.

The day that Don't gets shit-canned will be amazing. WE AREN'T EVEN HAVING A SPRING GAME! If anyone has ever doubted that Brad Bates is the worst AD to ever have that title given to him, Don't confirms it. Bates is a WE ON man though so it makes sense.

Jeff said...

I don't care much for Spring Games either, other than no injuries like Drew said.

Why not scrimmage some other team not on your schedule? QBs will still be in no contact jerseys and refs will take extra caution blowing plays dead. Chance of injury would be the same, right? More people would watch that/want to go to it.

Is not showing the game live a ploy to try and get peeps to drive down to cicny and GOTTA SEE IT LIVE? LOLZ at anyone taking a road trip to a Spring Game.

Ace said...

I fall in line with Drew and Iceman. I am interested to see what type off offense we run with Gardner(more shot gun vs more I/under center). I don't want anybody to get hurt. And I want to see Frank Clark matched up against Lewan to see if the practice buzz is accurate. I do want to see who is "starting", but it's April so you can't put too much stock into it.

Grienke has hit Quinten 3 times? I would have murdered him too.

Iceman, don't know if you are even able to make it somewhere for breakfast, but Tempo Cafe is fantastic(Cash Only). Also, Lou Malnati's >>> Giardano's.

What JSaul said was a dumbed-down version, incredibly dumbed-down, of basically the truf. Diet soda doesn't make you lose weight. And it's linked, as in univeristy studies, to depression, cancer, diabetes, and.....WIEGHT GAIN. Just saying. I can't wait til I make it back to the blogging world to talk about leafy greens, qiunoa, and coffee anemas.

Bloggers Block sucks.

Anonymous said...

Sergio is easily one of my top five most hated athletes of all time.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the last minute suggestion on the day I'm leaving Ace. But instead I opted for Marriott suits buffet style breakfast with powdered eggs and 3 day old wrinkled what I imagine was supposed to be sausage links topped off with room temperature yogurt. Very pleasing to the palate.

Ace said...

Glad I could help.

Anonymous said...

This seems like the kind of topic where it is appropriate to talk about the size of my unit.

It is large.

Also, Wishbone is tits for brunch. Frosted Flakes encrusted french toast? OK. Rumor is that place is the reason Oprah got so fat. Solid resume there.


Prime99 said...

Blogger's block is no joke. Fuck everyone who doesn't realize how hard it is to blog on a daily basis. Let alone keeping it up for what, seven years? Respek.

Mariano Rivera asked to meet with stadium employees of the Indians to thank them for their hard work. Also told the drum guy that he respected him. Rivera is one class act.

Prime99 said...

Also, THE MONEY SHOT got a shout out on Parks & Rec last night. Amazing reference, writers.

GMoney said...

OK, so last night, after enjoying the season finale of Archer/Randy Magnum, I'm getting ready to go to bed near midnight as usual but let the dog out one more time before we head upstairs. I open the door and he bolts immediately to the backyard which is strange because he barely moved all night. I don't know what is going on but I'm curious and the rain had died down enough for me to get the sandals on and check for myself.

Have you ever heard a rabbit scream? It is not a pleasant sound AT ALL. Have you ever heard a rabbit's scream silenced after two seconds? The dog is near the back fence and I already know what is happening. Now I just need to figure out how to handle this. We've had the dog for almost three years and he has never come close to catching any rabbits/animals but he finally got one.

I pretty much just stare at him while pondering my next move as he is flipping Bugs's corpse around and getting to that sweet meat. I decided that this had to stop because it is gross. I went to the garage and got the snow shovel figuring I could just scoop up the dead body and get rid of it. I was incorrect.

The dog fought me tooth and nail. That was HIS kill and he was not about to let his pussy dad steal it. There were some growls coming out of him that I'd never heard before. For a moment, I thought that he might be a walker. After trying to fight him over a bunny for a few minutes, I figured that I could use some help so I decided to wake up the wife who was going to serve almost no purpose at all since dead animal removal is not her specialty. But at least she would be a distraction.

By the way, I didn't turn the outdoor lights on or bring out a flash/fleshlight because I was really not in the mood to see what my dog was doing to that trespassing sumbitch. So the goal was for to use the shovel and separate the living and the dead while my stupid wife clipped on the leash and dragged him away. Somehow, this actually worked. The dog was NOT PLEASED. I scooped up Bugs and then had to decide what to do with it. I could throw it in the garbage can but trash day was not for another 6 days and I don't want a dead animal in there for a week. So I decided to be an American and launched it over the fence and into my neighbor's yard. I am a terrible neighbor.

We get the dog back in the house and thankfully he didn't have any blood or meat hanging from his mouth. Man, was he proud of himself though. He was strutting around the house with a look on his face like "did you see that, dad, I finally got one!" I had to give him credit though because I never thought that he would.

I spent the rest of the night feeding him breath mints and avoiding random licks from him because that would have made me barf. He kept wanting to go out the rest of the night probably to see if there were any more guts to devour but I faked being asleep and let the wife handle that LIKE A BOSS.

I look forward to coming home today and finding the corpse thrown back into my yard. I knew I should have just thrown it over the fence of my other neighbor who has two huge mastiffs. They would eat the shit out of the rabbit--bones and everything.

So big props to my dog for finally getting his bowl of Trix.

GMoney said...

Dennis Weinstein knows what's up. He and I both hate charity.

By the way, if you read that manifesto above, I'm throwing my name out there for Pawnee Animal Control.

Prime99 said...

And by the way, the Bulls end another streak by a hated team. Fuck the Knicks. They can't handle Nate Robinson.

GMoney said...

I can't believe that I forgot to say, during that ordeal, "where is Eddie, he usually eats these goddamn things."

Brady said...

Spring Game! I know I'm going to overreact to an awesome performance by some freshman tomorrow but I don't care because, FOOTBALL.

AWESOME rabbit story by G$. Might as throw mine out there because it may be the most horrifying thing my dogs have ever done.

One drunken evening I let the dogs out in the back yard and followed them to burn a late night heater. I stumbled back in and called for the dogs to follow me. They ignored me (somewhat odd) but I didn't really give it much thought because of the pizza rolls in the oven and the 12 Rolling Rocks coursing through my body.

After a few more minutes I decided that I was their dad and they needed to come inside when I said so. I went back out and heard a chorus of small screams and whining coming from all over the yard. I was drunk and confused so I went into the yard to investigate.

The dogs had discovered a baby rabbit den burried in the ground that my lawn mower had missed somehow (RABBIT KARMA!!!). They were tossing the little fuckers up in the air while they screamed and were having a blast doing it. Watching them do this silouetted against the moonlight was equal parts mesmerizing and horrifying.

I fought tooth and nail with my dogs to get them inside. As G$ said, I heard growls and sounds coming from these two that were foreign to me. My Shepherd is 90 pounds and would never hurt a anyone, especially me, but this is the one time where I actually flinched a couple times trying to get him in the house. He was PISSED to be leaving the carnage.

I finally got them in and went back out to survey the damage with a flashlight. There were at least 6-8 of them strewn about the yard making that horrifying whine/scream. They were all injured and obviously going to die but I couldn't let them suffer overnight. I had to do something to stop that screaming.

I grabbed the shit shovel in the back yard and proceeded to bash each one with it and toss them into the creek/ditch that runs along the side of my house. I had to put them out of their misery right?

Hopefully this is the only time in my life that I kill things in the backyard with a blunt object and dispose of them in the middle of the night. It was seriously fucked up. Thank god I was drunk though.

Anonymous said...

Way to rob your dog of a righteous kill. You NEVER rob a winner of his spoils, and you're dog is a winner (not a term I throw around beagles). You are not. I hope he shits in your bed.

Even Ape would let his rabid strays he keeps around have that kill.


GMoney said...

You probably have a point there, Ideward, but I gave him five minutes to get whatever he could (like a murderous version of Supermarket Sweep).

Brady, that is an ELITE tale from a man who is most definitely not ELITE. Rabbit screams will haunt any man. They are chilling.

Now would be a good time for Russian Cat Killer to reappear and let us know if we did a bang-up job.

Anonymous said...

ICEMAN - Per last night, I'm still willing to bet subbing Diet pop into your diet has 0 to do with you losing 30lbs, and more to do with changing the way you eat/exercise. Otherwise I think Coke should be at your door step with a Jared contract......

DREW - 'He basically said that all healthy meals with little calories are a huge gimmick'

LOZZZZZZ - You are the dumbest fucking paraphraser I've ever internet blog commented with. Where were 'healthy meals' ever discussed? Thanks for the lesson in moderation.dieting, though. Obviously most things in moderation are fine.

So in the Drew world of paraphrasing I'll take a stab.

Based on the history of his comments on this blog, I can basically summarize that tonight he will drop some Spirte 0 into his white wine before he eases himself into a warm bath (in prep to loosen up his asshole for the dill-doe job he's about to perform on himself).

Sounds accurate to me.

Spring games are for colleges kids/localers to get an early taste of the college football season. There's really nothing else to them...

- J Saul

Ace said...

Oh dog stories. I used to have greyhound that used to snatch somehthing up about once a month. The first couple rabbits that he caught I tried to fight him for, literally grabbing the rabbits ears while the rest was in his mouth. But rarely did I win. And I only wanted to get the dead animal away from him because you never know what kind of diseases animals are carrying, especially when he would kill squirrels. But it got to the point where I would scout the backyard before I let him out, then I would rip the door open real fast and he would go screaming thru the yeard looking for muurder. Holy hell, that thing had the prey drive of a pack of hyenas. And he was deaf, so it wasn't like I could yell at home. After he realized he was elite he would bring his kills to the door to show them off, only squirrels. If he got a rabbit he would swallow them shits whole. Quite the killer, that guy.

My Pit and GSD will chase things, but haven't got anything yet. My GSD would drop it because he is fucking terrified of loud human beings, but the Pit would shred it and I probably couldn't do much about it right now.

As long as my dog kills it I am okay with it. But I don't want him to have all the fun with the chase,and then leave me to do the dirty work of killing the poor things. Not cool.

GMoney said...

JSaul, you make a valid point. Drew is a terrible paraphraser (but not as bad as Dut) and almost always gets the point wrong. Like when I ripped him for incorrectly saying that he broke his elbow which, again, is a joint and thus not capable of being broken. He sends me an article from ESPN claiming that Jered Weaver fractured his elbow which was simply the headline as the first fucking sentence says that Weaver cracked his radius.

Basically, SLOW DREW.

Ape, I wanted to get the rabbit away from him because it was a big one and I don't want him over-eating and then having to switch him over the diet pop AKA the world's greatest con.

GMoney said...

Sergio is +2 through 5. YES!

Anonymous said...

GrapeyCakes is a murderer!! I can picture it now...Cakes bashes all the heads in while scream/sobbing something like, "THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PICK THIS YARD?!? I'M SORRYYYYYYYYY!!" Then retreats to his room, naked while sobbing uncontrollably and burning his clothes in a metal trash bin. Sounds about right.

I don't have any ELITE dog killing animal stories like that. Because my dog is 14, blind, deaf, senile and scared of everything. Oh...we also have to lock him in the bathroom when we leave because he likes to teach us lessons for leaving him alone. I call them revenge shits. If that wasn't awesome enough, after he revenge shits in the bathroom he likes to stomp in it like people do with grapes in the wine making process. Baxter's special blend of poop wine. Very elegant. Makes the house smell terrific.

GMoney said...

This Baxter of yours sounds like a terrific dog. More people/animals should shit on your floor and then stomp it in good.

Prime99 said...

Baxter- you shat on the carpet and stomped it in?! I'm not even mad, I'm just impressed.

I wonder if Cakes reinacts the clothes burning scene from Ace Ventura every day?

Brady said...

I'm not sure I had much of a reaction when this all went down. The alcohol really deadens your emotions.

The real kicker was when my wife woke up the next morning and the dogs found one that I had missed. She was traumatized for quite a long time.

UPDATE: I just texted her and said I told the story. She responded "WHY WOULD YOU BRING THIS UP? NOW I'M SAD AND SICK TO MY STOMACH." I assume the all caps meant she yelled at me. Woman are ridiculous.

Prime99 said...

Cakes getting scolded by his wife over his comments on this blog is fantastic. She is one of us...

Brady said...

*Women... a little early in the day for caveman speak.

Anonymous said...

Comic relief for the day:

GMoney said...

How many drinks do you have per week?
One drink? That's it?
One shelf.

GMoney said...

Christ, what the hell is going on at Augusta today? The scoring is atrocious. Well, other than my boys, Miguel Angel Jimenez and Bernhard Langer, of course.


Anonymous said...

Fred Couples is Shane Montgomery's doppelganger.

GMoney said...

That is a TERRIBLE lookalike.