Monday, April 15, 2013

A Tradition Unlike Any Other

A real man would have a hard-on.
We're not going to waste too much time talking about a golf event where a career loser who looks like Heath Ledger if he forgot to kill himself defeated a guy that owns a burro and doesn't speak a lick of English.  I'm not even going to get into the controversy surrounding Tiger this weekend.  Haters think he should have been kicked out.  Fan boys think he was screwed.  I just summed it up perfectly.  I do want to discuss the aftermath of the tournament and, well, let's just get to the action after the cameras stopped rolling...

Jim Nantz: Hello friends, we have finished whatever it is that we do inside Butler Cabin and are back on the 18th green ready to present the green jacket to our Masters Champion.  What a tournament!  Without further ado, your 2013 champion--



Truck Driver screaming out the window: Get off the fucking green!  We're trying to play here!

(crowd disperses as the semi truck is parked on the green after doing donuts)

Nantz: What is going on here?  What is the meaning of this?  How dare you disrespect the legacy of Amen Corner with your automobile treachery!

Passenger:  Nantz?  Is that you?  I haven't seen you since...(has flashback To Super Bowl)...I'LL KILL YOU!

Nantz: Jim Harbaugh?

(Jimmy gets out of the truck, spears Nantz into the ground, and pummels his face with fists of murderous fury)

John: That's enough, BRAH, help him up and then punch him in the nuts.  I need him alive to keep handing me Super Bowl trophies.

Jim: If he disrespects me like that again, I'm going to shove his head up my ass.

Nantz (spitting out a few teeth): No need for that, gentlemen, may I ask what you're doing here?

John: Well, we heard that this tournament was a big deal and champions such as myself like to congratulate and size up the cocks of other champions.  Looking at this guy here, I know that I am way more of a man.  Australian Rules Football is not REAL FOOTBALL!

Jim: Holy Gook Balls, who invited this little zipperhead!

Nantz: Jim, that would be 14 year old Chinese golfing sensation, Tianling Guan, who ended up as the best amateur in the field this week although he isn't expected to finish his round until August.


John: Amateur?  He'll be a pro after I sell him to Rob Ryan.  He's a real ace when it comes to putting teenage Asians to work.

Jim: Where is his rickshaw?  I'm going to have him walk me back to San Francisco.  I assume that he accepts fried rice as currency.

Nantz: Brothers, let's keep it civil.

John: You telling a BRAH how to behave, Jimmer?  Do you want to take a ride in the back of that beautiful big rig?  I'll answer that - you do not.  So pipe down and let us say what we need to say.

Jim: Yeah, my faggot dad called me up on Friday night crying about some colored boy getting the bum's rush from some stupid cum chugger at this fairy golf event.

John: Now we're usually not ones to stick up for black people who don't love Jesus or get away with murder, but we both respect a cooze hound and dad was really upset so we loaded up the truck and came in to right the wrong that we don't know anything about.

Rick Reilly: These ruffians are ruining the champion's coronation!  Someone do something!

(John sprints over to Reilly and buries a putter in his skull; killing Reilly immediately while everyone erupts with glee and cheer)

John: Does anyone else have a problem?  Anyway, we decided to play 4 rounds at this shit track over the last 24 hours and we must contest this paper champion.  He's a loser just like Bill Belichick.

Jim: Look at the scorecard, Stretch, you faggot.  I shot a 72.  I am the winner.  I WIN.

Nantz: Even par is a tremendous score here at Augusta, Jim, but that is not enough to win the coveted green jacket.

John: No, no, no, pimento cheese dick.  He shot a 72 total.  4 rounds, 72 holes in one.  It was the closest thing to perfection that I've seen since Joe Flacco throwing a deep ball in Denver.

Jim: The secret is to play the entire round with your dick out.  We both did.  We still are.  Actually, my BRAH also had 72 holes in one but he had to take a 10 stroke penalty for not jerking off in Rae's Creek like I did.  So give me the title or whatever because I am the best.

Nantz: That is not how this works.

John: Yes it does.  I win the Super Bowl and my Bro-ner gets to win whatever he wants.  He picked this.  So give him the fucking jacket or we will kill everyone here.  And don't try to call our bluff.  There is a morgue in northwest Ohio still overflowing with Chi Chi's employees that will corroborate this fact.

(John kneels behind Adam Scott as Jim pushes Scott over.  The BRAHs bump dicks to celebrate)

Nantz: OK, OK, we don't want any trouble.  2012 Champion, Bubba Watson, please present Jim Harbaugh with the green jacket and then maybe they will leave without inflicting further damage.

Jim: Hey!  It's the pussy who cries all the time about his garbage baby!  Nice hair, limp wrist!

John: If you want to keep crying about a kid that no one wants, I can take you to the dumpster behind that Waffle House down the road where the waitress with two lazy eyes and I just had to eliminate a potential problem.  She let me put it anywhere though.  She couldn't resist my charm.  Now put that coat on my BRAH, BRAH!

(Bubba shrugs his shoulders and does what he's been told as he is not in the mood to go dumpster diving for fetuses today or any day)

Jim: Eh, this just doesn't feel right.  I don't feel like a champion yet.  I feel like one of those guys who enjoys getting his shit stuffed.

(John rips the sleeves off of the green jacket)

Jim: THAT IS MORE LIKE IT, N******!  Let's go get that orgy started inside BRAHtler Cabin.

Nantz: Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you your 2013 Masters Champion...JIM HARBAUGH?

(crowd is cheering simply out of fear)

John: Bro, shouldn't we have been arrested by now?  Isn't that how these things always end?

Jim: I got this.  After all, this is my day and there is no doubt that I made dad proud.  THE CONFEDERATE ARMY ARE THE CLEVELAND BROWNS OF AMERICAN HISTORY!

(the patrons swarm on the Bros BRAH while SWAT pepper sprays the 18th green)

John: This was the best BRAHsters yet!

I have no idea why CBS did not televise this part of the tournament but it seems like a huge lapse in judgment.  I hope that someone got fired over this.  It's the BRAH's world and it always will be.  Before we go, how about a big congrats to Prime on the birth of his son yesterday, Running Zack Morris Cousins!  Well done, pops. Your son's first blog entry is a BRAH post.  That's huge.  Please read this to him today.  It's what Jim and John and G$ would want/demand.


Prime99 said...

Wow- there is nothing quite like taking a sleep deprived break to eat in the hospital cafeteria and take in the finest BRAH post yet! I'm too tired to say anything clever, or even quote my favorite line, but this was damn great.

Btw, I watched pretty zero of the masters but Seal's fine coverage on Facebook made me feel like I was there!

Anonymous said...

Congrats should read this out loud to your child for it's first bedtime story.

LOLZ@ G$ telling everyone how stupid they are if they bet against Tiger this past weekend. Sorry BRAH...he can't win the majors.


Grumpy said...

So last Friday I found myself in No. KY for some reason and was sitting at a stoplight right in front of a Speedway. It suddenly hit me: Speedway + Kentucky=White Trash Heaven. They must have Moon Mist.

Sure enough, bottom row of the cooler, right next to Faygo, are two facings of my elusive prey. 24 oz. no less. Looks like a Mt. Dew knock off. Take my first taste in the car and want to spit it out; there is some strange after taste going on. I give it another try and it starts to grow on me. By the time I'm home 20 minutes later I've finished it all. Give it a solid B, but it's no Mt. Dew.

Congrats to Mr. & Mrs. Prime. Cute kid.

Anonymous said...

LOLS Tiger. That is all.


GMoney said...

Good work, Grump. I think that transporting Faygo across state lines might be a federal crime though.

The inspiration for this post was pretty much just me sitting around and thinking that Jim Harbaugh would definitely cheat on his scorecard and that at Easter Jackie BRAH told Jim that since John got to win something, Jimmy can pick whatever he wants to win. Because they are overgrown children, you see.

The Tiger situation doesn't really prove that he can't win, just a bad series of events. He was probably too focused on the birth of Baby Prime.

Grumpy said...

What kind of prick memorizes the PGA rule book and then sits at home waiting to pounce on some golfer who unintentionally violates some arcane rule? Where do they get the phone number to call and report? I'm guessing it was Ide. He seems like that prick.

Jeff said...

Jackets still breathing! Tiger snitched on himself. A good cheater never gets caught.

GMoney said...

And how can you change the outcome after something has already happened and everyone has gone home? Can Jim Harbaugh still get PI called on that 4th and goal in the Super Bowl? The PGA would let him.

Golf outside of the front ten/back eight is stupid.

Anonymous said...

Because he is an asshole that doesn't deserve to win. That penalty was plain as day anyways. Oh, hay, I hit it in the water and made a massive divot. Let me put the ball 6 feet away and over to the right to get a better shot. That's deplorable behavior even in a friendly game. I'm surprised he didn't try to mulligan.

He is now on a 9 year Master's title drop, yet you tits keep betting on him. LOLS.


Anonymous said...

This post is incredible - one of the best BRAH'S yet.

Congrats Prime!

How many kilo's of cocaine do you think Angel Cabrera and his son smuggled to the states in their golf equipment? Dropped out of school at 10 to be a caddy?! Doesnt speak a lick of English. Kill yourself if you rooted for this guy.


Mr. Ace said...

Rick Reilly should die in every post.

GMoney said...

The inclusion of Reilly's death was a must.

As someone who has to know the rules better than anyone else at the event in another sport, the fact that the PGA can hide behind something as vague as "as near as possible" is ridiculous. Way to define "near". If you want it in the same spot, then say that. If arm's length is unsatisfactory then say that, too.

I loved hearing assholes like Faldo saying that he should withdraw or be DQ'ed because what if this happened to some loser like Jason Dufner or something. Who cares! Superstars get treated better than lardasses from Alabama. You aren't kicking out your only draw over an unclear rule that none of the ten billion rules interpreters on the course that day saw.

Everyone knows that Blue Jacket > Green Jacket anyway. BEAT THE AVS!

Brady said...

Congrats, Prime!

Hell of a putt by Scott. That's the way you want to win a golf tournament!

GMoney said...

You suck, Cakes. Go suck off the northern lights.

Anonymous said...

A very BRAH post, indeed. Well done. The next installment of the BRAH's is going to be unforgettable. Let's just say there will be a very special guest in the next episode.

Adam Scott won the Masters? Ben Wyatt is a Masters Champion???

Anonymous said...

Never besmirch Faldo, he is absolutely the best part of cbs golf coverage

Anonymous said...

I almost think we should have a one week BRAH mini series where G$ and Iceman alternate days....and neither has any idea where the BRAH story will go until they read the follow up the next day. LET'S DO THIS. This time of year blows for sports anyways.


Anonymous said...

Brutal commenting day for such an awesome post.

You should be disappointed in your readers, g$.


Brady said...

I tried to suck off the Northern Lights but the clouds wouldn't let me. It's cool though. I drank 12 beers and did some ELITE pond fishing instead.

GMoney said...

I always am, Seal. But what are they supposed to say? "G$ rules and is the only reason why the internet is good!" That ain't happening...not with this group.

A good BRAH post takes a pretty long time to write. From beginning to end, this one took about 90 minutes which is 70 minutes longer than they may garbage usually takes. I don't think that I could do two or three in one week.

Ben Wyatt did win. Did you not see Champion come out and congratulate him with a few face-licks???

Uh no, Feherty is the best part about CBS. And Verne.

Mr. Ace said...

ELITE Brah posts, like ACEteriews, are never good for comments. What comment can you make about fake stories other than "hilarious"?

In unrelated news, I think I hit for a hipster cycle Saturday: 1) Went to Farmer's Market 2) Joined Market/Food Coop 3) Went thrifting 4) Ate at vegetarian restaurant(Whole World Natural Bakery and Restaurant). Who is totes jelly of my Saturday afternoon? Ide obvs.

GMoney said...

Nothing wrong with a farmer's market. Everything wrong with the rest of your day.

Where is Ide with his dragon talk? He's probably still enjoying the curve of some black man's ass at the gym.

GMoney said...

From AA:

Lousiana sports anchor George Faust of KLFY was calling Masters highlights for the local news affiliate when he managed to call 14 year old amateur sensation Tianlang Guan a "chinaman."

That's my kind of news team!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, been in meetings all day. Mondays, amirite?


I thought it was a good episode overall with Robb Stark being the only exception.

Jamie! I had high hopes of him being able to cut through everyone for the rest of the series. Guess that dream is dead. That is how you end an episode!

I ran into Tyrion last Friday for happy hour and contemplated buying him and his wife a drink. After seeing how he repaid Pod, I'm really regretting not doing so.

I have never cheered for a gay rape scene until Theon. That would have been equal parts disgusting, disturbing, and hilarious.

Dany selling a dragon? I really hope she renigs on the deal and kills everyone. (Again, I've only read the first two books, not a spoiler) I'm all for talking to women such as they do at Slavers Bay, but NOT Danaerys.

Touching scene with Arya, now have her going back to being a badass asap.


Brady said...

I think "chinaman" is acceptable in this day and age. We also would've accepted "charlie" or "slope". The South is always game for some good ole' fashioned RAYCISM.

Farmers markets are awesome.

GMoney said...

I could definitely go for some hardcore scissoring between Dragon Queen and her new sexy black assistant. And she is TOTES reneging on that deal. The Unsullied are going to end up burning that city to the ground.

Theon serves no purpose. He never has. Just like that fat guy on the Night's Watch.

RIP Jamie's Hand. Looks like one Lannister will only be paying his debts with his left hand from now on.

Daniel said...

I am very disappointed. I came here looking to get the latest rumors surrounding the WNBA draft today and I get some fictional BS. I heard rumors of a romance between RG3 and Britany Griner while at Baylor. Discuss.

Anonymous said...

Chinamen is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian American please.


Mr. Ace said...

So... "terrorist" attack at Boston Marathon? Reason #837583 that you shouldn't run for fun.

GMoney said...

Were the BRAHs in Boston today?

Fake Ide is a great commenter. He demands that the Mississippi Sambos change their name.

Anonymous said...

Actually, it was an ELITE Big Lebowski reference.