Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Who Will Earn The Crown For 2013 Offseason Champ?

Never Forget.
The NFL Free Agency has officially begun and is likely hot and heavy with action in its first 24 hours. Everyone keeps saying that the pool of available players is weak this year but who really gives a shit about that. It’s the chance for all of us to get shiny new toys! Well, slightly to heavily used toys that aren’t wanted anymore by their previous owner for a variety of reasons is probably a more apt statement. Ever since the hilarious Haynesworth debacle, the Redskins appear to have given up their “Offseason Champs” title (at least for the time being). That is disappointing because winning the Spring was always my favorite part of being a fan of a terrible franchise. But who will claim this year’s prize from the Eagles (two straight Offseason Championships!)? Well, we’ve got some contenders.

It sounds like the teams that will be the most active at the start are going to be the Lions, Colts, and Browns (as well as a few others). That makes sense because good teams usually don’t have ample cap room. When you draft well, you re-sign your picks. When you draft like shit, you let them go after their rookie contract (I’m looking at you, Ernie Sims and Gosder Cherilus and every Colts first round pick before last year of the last decade) is up. But it’s always fun to have gobs of money burning a hole in your team’s pocket because then you get to just assume that your front office will sign ALL of the big name free agents and you will then be a LOCK for multiple Super Bowl titles! OBVZ it doesn’t work that way but being a delusional fan is one of the best parts about being a fan.

We are well-balanced here when it comes to who we root for. Unless I’m forgetting someone, I think that we have at least one fan around here of the Skins, Eagles, Bears, Lions, Falcons, Rams (Hi –Rex!), Bills, Browns, Steelers, Bengals, and Jaguars (LOL JK). So today I simply pose the questions of what do you want your team and what do you expect your team to do in free agency?

As far as the Redskins go, the cap penalty leveed down because Giants President John Mara is a fucking bitch is going to hamper things quite a bit. While everyone other than Dallas gets to play around 123 million, the Skins are operating on a 105 million budget this season. So I don’t expect us doing anything in the first week or two. We’ll start picking up the phone once bargain season starts and teams begin signing those players that you’ve never heard of before. We need a RT but can’t afford any of the good ones and secondary help (please don’t go after Talib). So far, the team has been re-signing many of their own and I expect Fred Davis to head elsewhere and Lorenzo “LoRax” Alexander to go to Pittsburgh (he is a fucking stud special teamer who you hill-folk will love) as cap penalty casualties. That is sad but we haven’t practiced continuity around DC for a long time and I’ll take it.

Other predictions for the big names available:
*Mike Wallace goes to Minnesota instead of Miami
*Greg Jennings goes to Miami--probably not now
*Steven Jackson to Atlanta
*Wes Welker to Houston
*Jake Long to Chicago--Jermon Bushrod isn't good, sorry Prime
*Edward Reed to New England
*Ray Lewis to Hell
*Reggie Bush to Arizona
Jared Allen approves of guns, America, and this post.
Like I said, a simple post today where we can keep tabs on all of the dumb signings that teams do. Feel free to contribute what you want and don’t want for your team. I’ve got to be honest, I can’t wait for the Browns to sign Cliff Avril to some stupid ass contract because that dude has BUSTY BUST BUST written all over him. If the Lions don’t want a guy, neither should your team. That likely won't happen though now that you've got yourself a shiny new Paul Kruger which is a good signing simply because you can nickname him "Playground Equipment" while yelling K-UGER from the stands.  But just remember, no matter what your team does, it can’t be any worse than paying 31 million dollars to Brian Hartline.

It's 7:30 on the first day of Free Agency and I can safely say that we're down to Indianapolis and Miami as 2013's Offseason Champs!


Anonymous said...

The Colts signed Gosder yesterday to a five year deal...LOLZ!

The Lions actually don't have a ton of room. I hope we sign Reggie Bush and Glover Quin. Both would make me happy. Reggie's a douchebag that I would like to root for.

Also, LOLZ @ the Bills and Bucs GM getting pranked into that phone call. TOTES the reason they released Fitzpatrick so quickly yesterday.


Grumpy said...

The Steelers have very little cap room and never make a splash in the FA market anyway.

I want a RB, but by the time they hit free agency they're used up.

Mr. Ace said...

Big fan of what the Eagles have done this far. Dumping Nnamdi was a must then they went after some low risk players. I like it. It seems like all the safeties we are targeting are resigning though. Also hoping we make a move for a top available DT and it looks like we are in good position for a couple. Very happy Kelly isn't going wild.

GMoney said...

I think that Ryan Fitzpatrick's play was the main reason why Ryan Fitzpatrick was released. Plus no one likes an Ivy Leaguer.

Sounds like Gosder did that German knee thing that Kobe did. Ummmmm, I wouldn't give money to someone who did that.

Ide says that Fuckeye Se'Von Pittman has rape charges or something. I've never heard of him before but can we get confirmation on that? GO OHIO!

Despite what Iceman thinks, I also believe that Reggie Bush would be a good get for the Lions. Probably because Leshoure Sr. is due to fail another drug test.

Ice also thinks that the Lions signed DeAngelo Hall but that is apparently not true yet.

Brownies are doing well. Haven't said that since they signed LeCharles and Gary Baxter. LOLOLOLZ!

MuDawgfan said...

Atlanta has pretty much just stuck to releasing veterans and resigning the players they valued.

William Moore-Pro Bowl safety got resigned, Gonzo decided to come back, LT Sam Baker got resigned, CB Grimes got resigned - all pieces we wanted to retain, were retained.

I think the Falcons would take a flyer on a cheap RB like Beanie Wells rather than pay Steven Jackson. If they fork over big money, I'd like them to do it on a RG or C, since Todd McClure has retired. Our current RG Peter Konz played center at Wisconsin, so he can be transitioned into that role depending upon what we do.

GMoney said...

I can't imagine that Steven Jackson would cost a ton but who knows.

According to Peter King, Gonzo only came back because he couldn't get a cushy TV job. PK is an idiot.

Anonymous said...

Browns have been impressive so far but the question is who will be the first to tear their ACL, Kruger or Bryant?

Kruger was the industrial smoothing guy, not Play Now.


GMoney said...

FUCK! How could I butcher that analogy? Please accept my apology although calling someone Playground Equipment for no reason at all is a solid choice of nickname.

GMoney said...

Or Quinton Coples who apparently is coming in now, too. You've got 4 years to figure out how to stop Alfred Morris so plenty of time to figure that out.

And I love the rumors that the Browns could go after James Harrison. Here you go, Browns fans, some more shit for you to eat!

The Iceman said...

"Ice also thinks that the Lions signed DeAngelo Hall but that is apparently not true yet."

That was from RotoWorld ya fuckin knob. I only report what I read from fantasy websites.

And I don't think Bush would be bad for the Lions...I think what the Lions would have to pay to get Bush would be bad for the Lions. It's not like Bush was that much better what the Lions already have on their roster. Plus you can get a Reggie Bush in the draft in like round 4.

I like what the Browns have done so far. Now they just need another corner. I wouldn't mind stealing another FA from the division and snagging Keenan Lewis. Or make a play for Greg Jennings if he doesn't resign with the Packers.

The Steelers are interested in Chris Wells. LOLZ! Now that Mendenhall is gone I guess they need a new RB who is hurt all the time.

Sounds like Steven Jackson is going to the Packers. That would be a tremendous move.

GMoney said...

The Packers brought in Peyton Hillis for a visit. Talk about disrespecting a Kuhn! Green Bay should just stop acting like they care about running the ball as we all know that they don't. Signing Jackson would be a waste.

If you want to steal a DB from within the division, why don't you get a good look at this fine Pacman Jones!

Reggie Bush hasn't lived up to his hype, but he's way better than you give him credit for. You can get a Bush in the FOURF round? I think not.

Your reports are worse than Mort's Reports.

The Iceman said...

Bush's career stats over 7 seasons are:

984 Total yards per year (595 rushing 390 rec)
6 TDs per year
4.3 YPC

You're telling me you can't snag a guy in the later rounds of the draft that will at least match that production for a fracdtion of what you would pay Bush? For a guy who is a staunch supporter of undervaluing running backs in the NFL you sure are sniffing the shit out of Reggie Bush's jock.

Jackson isn't there to run the ball more than 15 times a game. He's there to give them what the Pack want...a RB who can catch 70 balls a year.

Jeff said...

Drew said Beanie was looking cut up and hawt in the gym so I'll take him! At least he's not a terrorist.

GMoney said...

I'd rather grab the guy that I know is going to get me around 1000 yards per year and has been reliable since leaving NOLA over using the Detroit Lions scouting department to find me a sleeper in the mid rounds.

What is Bush going to cost anyway? 4-5 million for 3 years? It's not going to be much.

He's still got some good tread left on the tires. It's not like he's Lardo Michael Turner. I think that it would be a good get for the Lions with their offense. Hell, you could even play him in the slot from time to time.

But, of course, the price has to be right.

The Redskins are on the board! We re-signed punter Sav Rocca! SUCK MY DICK, EVERYONE!!!

Prime99 said...

The Bears got Jermon and the Black Unicorn. That's pretty solid. I would've preferred Jake Long, but with an O-Line as bad as what Cutler was working with, that's an upgrade.

Quick radio question- did Mike Hill give himself the nickname "Suga?" As in, "This is Suga & Stink." He is pretty awful.

The Iceman said...

I would rather fillet my own cock than listen to Mike Hill and Mark "Now I'm ghetto because I have a black co-host" Schlereth.

It's absolutely hilarious how much the Rams paid Jared Cook. They know Sam Bradford is still there, right? I know I would pay top 5 TE money for a guy who's gonna be overthrown or ignored all game.

GMoney said...

Because it needs to be said...

Welcome back, Limehouse.

GMoney said...

Ape, you traded Samuel and now dumped DRC and Nnamdi. Nice job on that Dream Team. Queer.

Anonymous said...


Line of the night was easily, "Lets go find us a whore". Art needs a spinoff asap.

I love that the show went from mystery to what is about to become with 25 people all trying to kill Poopson and the marshalls. Shits real yo.

Im happy with the Browns. Id love a good deal on a wideout butIm still afraid that they will Browns this up somehow.


Jeff said...


GMoney said...

It's getting ridiculous at how many MAC QBs the Steelers employ. I like it.

Come on, Twitter fucks, drop some news on us!

Grumpy said...

At least Gradkowski isn't 60 yrs. old like our two back-ups last year.

Continuing the fine tradition of MAC QB's in 'da Burgh.

Prime99 said...

Bush to the Lions is done.

GMoney said...

As is tradition in Detroit, is he now Reggie Bush Sr.? Good signing though. Anyone have the details?

GMoney said...

Just read that the Browns have interest in Fred Davis. Only if he's allowed to represent himself in Ohio courts though.

Mr. Ace said...

Is it possible that the Ravens finish last in the North? That would be fucking hilarious, but I don't think it's that crazy. They are losing everybody.

Grumpy said...

The Ravens have lost 5 starters on defense. Not to worry, Flacco will carry them.

James Harrison re-signs in Pittsburgh when nobody offers as much as the Steelers did. You heard it here first.

GMoney said...

How can the Ravens finish last in a division featuring the Browns? It's impossible. A BRAH will never finish less than best.

I have a hard time believing that Harrison knows humility.