Friday, March 08, 2013

Who Wants To Help Me Beat These Dead Horses?

Johnny and Megan have 4 words for ya...THUMBS UP MIKE UTLEY!
We are all painfully aware that, until conference tournaments really start to pick up steam next week, we are still caught up that barren wind-swept moonscape (Peter King alert!) of a sports dead zone. It sucks. There aren’t enough food post ideas to help carry us through. Unfortunately, ESPN is in the same boat with nothing to talk about which is why you get to see every Harlem Shake video and people screaming about LeBron’s dunks during warm-ups. Just terrible stuff. So today, we’re going to grab that imaginary carbon rod and keep beating that dead horse! I’ve got my own opinions on the three big stories that you can’t avoid on SportsCenter (or Sportscentre if you are a Canuck bastard).

The Miami Heat have won 16 in a row – Yawn, whatever. They have the talent to win 70 games if they wanted to. Stop telling me that this is some huge achievement when we all know that the NBA regular season is worthless to teams like the Heat. The Bucks? Yeah, every game means something to them, but not Souf Beach. I understand that since Disney has a huge stake in the NBA, they are going to stuff it down our throats and they’ve done a great job with that over the last few years (see: daily breakdowns of the Lakers) but I give no fucks. Absolutely no one should be saying ridiculous things (such as the Pistons making the playoffs) like the Heat’s current run is better than…

The Chicago Blackhawks have recorded at least one point in all 24 games this season – THIS is an achievement. THIS should be leading off every show. They are freaking 21-0-3! This is the biggest story in all of sports right now and should be treated as such (unless you count all of the hilarious injuries to the Yankees…we’re going to win a total of 16 games this year). I like seeing Barry Melrose every night. I like ESPN acknowledging that the NHL exists even if it doesn’t have any financial gain for them at all. After they shit all over the fans this year, this is exactly what the game needs…eyes. Yes, attendance and ratings are up which doesn’t make Bettman look nearly as much a fool as he should but the league needed a reason for Joe The Plumber to tune in. They have it. I hope that the Blackhawks win every night. I want them to keep it rolling (those bad ass jerseys help). They come to Columbus in 6 days and I can’t wait. I wish that I had tickets. WE’RE GOING TO BE THE LOSS! Good for the Hawks and it’s nice to see them get the attention that they deserve BUT they aren’t winning The Cup this year. It has nothing to do with their black goalie either; just that eventually they are going to get ice cold and not catch any breaks.

Johnny Football is too much of a celebrity – Ugh, what an awful story. Poor baby got to win the Heisman as a freshman (but not the Wiseman!). Then he was able to score courtside NBA seats and meet every celebrity on the planet. Then he couldn’t leave his dorm room without being mobbed. Then he trademarked “Johnny Football” and is starting to sue everyone that puts the name on a tee shirt. Then he could only take online classes because being out in public became too much to handle. And now he’s talking to Herbie about how he will consider going to the NFL after this season. For a guy who hates the spotlight some times, he sure does love the spotlight all the other times. I like Manziel. I think that the Aggies are a dark horse national title contender this year. I think that he is way better than Braxton Miller (needed to be said although it sounds like BM’s mechanics are a lot better from reports out of spring ball). But enough with the whining already. Go to fucking class. Crush all the ass. Make every pass. Smoke all the grass? Don’t listen to Nas? Whatever happened to Kevin Bass? Just shut up.

That’s going to do it for this site for the week. Don’t forget to tip your writers. By the way, if the Jackets log one point in their weekend series with the Wings, they will have won the season series for the first time in franchise history. LOL Wings! Carry it!

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Heat might not lose a game in the playoffs.

The Blackhawks streak is indeed incredible.

Braxton will win the Heisman this year, so who cares about Manziel?

The Yankees are hilarious. How about ARods charity giving? What a shit tier human.

Slow Seals Kentucky Wildcats lost to Georgia!! LOLZ.

Brian Hartline...the $30M man.

The Red Wings are still a 4 seed right meow. Luckily for the Jackets, they get to move away from our division next year.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I didn't go to class either.

Anonymous said...

I hate Johnny Football. I hope one of those mandingoes out of LSU decapitates him next year. Or blows a knee out, a la RG3.

The Blackhawks streak is insane. Easily the story of the year, until they come to Columbus.

This Miami story is retarded because the Clippers had a much better much more impressive streak. Plus that Blake Griffin dunk the other night was just nasty.

Ide

MUDawgfan said...

I feel bad for Seal. Georgia is not a good basketball team this year and we trucked UK last night.

This is the worst team in Lexington since Gillespie was the coach.

GMoney said...

Jackets with 5 overtimes in a row and the last three being victories. CUP TIME, NOGG! It's never a bad thing to beat the Sedin/McPoyle Bros.

I don't care about charities. I do care about Dan Johnson being our starting first baseman. Teix has the same wrist injury that sidelined Joey Bats for pretty much the entire second half last year. Considering that Teix is a snatch, 8-10 weeks does not seem legit to me.

Did Hartline sign and I missed it? Because free agency doesn't start for a little longer. Tampering, son!

Realignment is going to be a good thing but probably a bad thing to be in the same division as the Flyers, Penguins, and Rangers. I can't wait to start up a huge rivalry with the Islanders.

Johnny Football = Grant's friend Peter. They look exactly alike.

3/14...we're beating the Hawks, dammit. Sergei Bobrovsky SICK!

Jeff said...

Jackets!!! We's HAWTT!!!! Umby might be increasing his trade stock with his play of late, but not if we keeping winning! Mase get about 2 more starts the rest of the year.

G$, I going down and getting student rush tix on tuesday for the Hawks streak ender fo sho.

Yankees are LOLZ. Can't wait for Mariano to tear up his other knee hitting fungos.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

Jackets will def be BEASTS of the EAST after realignment.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate your concern Dawg - but please dont feel bad for me, I was celebrating a national championship recently.

Who gives a shit about the Blackhawks - guaranteed they dont win the Cup. The NHL regular season is even less meaningful than the NBA regular season. Seed doesnt mean shit as long as you are in.

Seal

GMoney said...

Perhaps but not this year with the truncated schedule. Every league should have a strike because it makes the season so much more important. You don't see mail in games (at least you shouldn't). Now that the Jackets season is halfway over, I can safely say that they have not phoned in more than 1 or 2 games this season. I like that. GRIT, SON!

I'm just a big fan of Jeff getting in line for Rush tickets on Tuesday when the Hawks come to town on Thursday. Jeff wants to be the founder of Jarmo-ville! The Finnish version of Paterno-ville!

The Iceman said...

"The Miami Heat have won 16 in a row – Yawn, whatever."

Best believe if you replace Miami Heat with Cleveland Cavs you couldn't keep G$ from flapping his cunt 24/7 about this story. 16 in a row from any NBA team is a pretty big deal. Tough to do no matter what kind of talent you have on your team.

Johnny M. is a fucking loser. I refuse to call him by his nickname because it's more fucking stupid and played out than Honey Badger and Harlem shake videos combined. People couldn't fucking WAIT to latch on to that shit and dry hump it into the ground. There was always something I disliked about John M. and now I know what it is. He's an arrogant cock sucker. I can't wait until John pulls a Fat Stafford 2012 NFL season and throws 12 TDs next year.

Jeff said...

Tuesday, Thursday, they're the same in my book. It's been a long week and it's Friday. At least there will be another dub against the canucks next tues. I honestly would've thought they were playing the Hawks all weekend if you hadnt said anything. LOLZ @ me.

Grumpy said...

Iceman, much harder to come back from 2 goals down in hockey than from a 20 pt. deficit in the NBA.

You and I, starting with a 20 pt. deficit, one quarter left and a 24 second clock, could come back and beat any combo of 2 people on this site.

Anonymous said...

You and I, starting with a 20 pt. deficit, one quarter left and a 24 second clock, could come back and beat any combo of 2 people on this site.

Grumpy's best troll ever.

Seal

GMoney said...

If you're going to make a comeback, you better choose a teammate that knows how to guard. We all know what Iceman Redick is all about.

Best believe if you replace Miami Heat with Cleveland Cavs you couldn't keep G$ from flapping his cunt 24/7 about this story

NO FUCKING SHIT! Thanks for the update, Big Ben. There is a pretty big difference between the team that we have been beaten over the head with for three years now going on a run like this and the team giving big and important minutes to Luke Walton doing the same. Plus I tend to care more about the teams that I like over teams that I hate. You know, like a normal person.

That was the dumbest thing written here all week and that includes the J-Rupe quotes/Grumpy's line about 2 on 2 basketball.

The Iceman said...

"Iceman, much harder to come back from 2 goals down in hockey than from a 20 pt. deficit in the NBA."

Good knowledge to have, Grumpy. But I don't remember saying the latter anywhere. I was just saying that no matter how much talent you have on an NBA team, it's tough task to win 16 in a row and the only reason G$ is pooping on it is because it's being done by his most favorite team to hate. It's a story no matter who does it.

Jeff said...

2 on 2 is the next big thing at all-star weekend.

The Iceman said...

I love this. It's TOTES fine when Lebron and the Cavs were being deep throated every night and Cleveland was being shoved down America's throat. Now that it's Lebron and the Heat you're all pissy about it and it's "not cool, brah". WELCOME TO WHAT WE ALL HAD TO ENDURE FOR SEVEN FUCKING YEARS! I'm glad all this Heat/Lebron publicity bothers you so much. More Heat stories, plz.

The Iceman said...

We'll get 2 on 2 games going during RibFest...right after Brady runs his 6 flat 40.

GMoney said...

Ummmmm yeah, the Cavs were not covered even remotely the same as the Heat are. Keep trolling though. It bothers me when I flip on ESPNews and one of the loser anchors is saying that this is "the story that everyone is talking about". No they aren't.

Holy shit, the Dolphins gave Hartline 31 million! That's over 5 million per touchdown that he's scored in his career.

J-Rupe checked himself in at St. V's today. Probably trying to fuck some nurses.

Brady said...

-The more I hear about Johnny M, the more I dislike him. Apparently he is driving around campus in a new Benz as well. Hopefully the NCAA gets it's torches and pitchforks ready!

-I'm not a hockey fan but that Blackhawks streak is sick. I really want them to keep it going for some reason.

-NBA... yawn

-Are there plans for after Ribfest? You know, besides me running a 5.5 40.

The Iceman said...

"Ummmmm yeah, the Cavs were not covered even remotely the same as the Heat are"

Keep dreaming. You just didn't notice because you sniff Dan Gilbert's dirty undies on the reg. At least ESPN and Cavs fans are done with Mo Williams AllStar stories. That was about the most LOLZ thing ever.

Keep an eye out for Tonya checking into St. V's too.

GMoney said...

Brady, I'm working on a plan for us to rob the casino.

Manziel's parents are loaded (or so we're told) so him driving around in an Aston Martin or whatever should come as no surprise. Dude needs to invest in some ProActiv though.

How about Akron PG Alex Abreu getting popped with 5 pounds of weed! Fuck the Zips. Dambrot is a shithead.

The Iceman said...

"NBA... yawn"

Slap a fuckeye logo on that jersey and you would care. Or...at least pretend to care.

Post RibFest we're watching BradyCakes run a 6 flat 40. Then we're watching him barf up his dinner.

Prime99 said...

BLACKHAWKS!!!!!!

Alright, which one of you fucks wants to be on my 2 on 2 team where we easily crush Grumpy and Iceman?

Anonymous said...

Iceman is serving G$ up something proper today. Loved the cunt flapping line.

Slow Seal...you shouldn't discuss hockey. I am looking forward to your NIT breakdown.

--Drew

GMoney said...

As if. He's doing his usual job of lumping me in with all of his Cav-fan buddies when I am clearly a mental giant that will not get bogged down in their traditional mouth-breathing. Can you imagine how awful those conversations were between delusional Cav fan/friend of Ice and "Playoff-bound Pistons" Iceman? Listening to that would kill more brain cells than drinking varnish.

I am a member of the Luke Harangody Fan Club though.

Anonymous said...

Prime, I'm in. I play nasty defense and am not afraid to throw an elbow into the sack of an opposing player, regardless of age, ethnicity, or race.

Ide

Brady said...

I'm in, Prime. From the Facebook photo's I've seen, it looks like I can just feed you in the post all day (you're a giant). Then when those two dickwads get wise to our plan, you can hit me back on the arc and I'll use my white guys SKILLZ to drain three's all day. Quite possibly in Iceman's eye.

Anonymous said...

Coicidence that they Costner is doing a movie where he is the GM of the Browns, being filmed in Cleveland, the same year we go to the Super Bowl? I think not.

Seal

Anonymous said...

And Prime - im down. I would love to dunk on Grumpy and set my sack on his old bald head.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Are we ever going to talk about Archer this season on here? Last night's Mexican episode chocked full of racist and autism jokes and that ELITE spook joke at the end made for a hilarious 30 minutes. And Art from Justified being the gay border patrol man was just solid writing.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I love my options: Ide's nasty D, Brady's lightning speed, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Seal is a baller. I am certain we would all beat Iceman and Grumpy.

(And yes Brady, I'm 6'6" with a sweet ambidextrous jump hook.)

The Iceman said...

I'm constantly checking G$, Drew. It's too damn easy.

I take back "Mo Williams being an AllStar" as the most LOLZ thing ever after BradyCakes suggesting he could even come close to getting a jumper wet. I imagine BradyCakes shoots jumpers like Chubby from Teen Wolf...or Ollie from Hoosiers. I'm TOTES Jimmy Chitwood minus the down sydromy way he has about him.

The Iceman said...

I have no problem putting Grump on my back. I've carried worse players for longer periods of time to victory.

Prime LOVES the Mikan drill.

Brady said...

If my 8th grade and Freshman basketball skills have accompanied me to my early 30's, you have no prayer Iceman. They used to call me "Mad Anthony" on the mean streets of Waterville, OH. You about to get schooled, son!

LOL at Johnny Trashball being better than Braxton by the way.

Prime99 said...

The only thing I love more than the Mikan Drill is draining jumpers in your eye sockets, Ice.

Anonymous said...

5 on 5 pick up game - G$ and Iceman are captains - before Ribfest?

Seal

GMoney said...

We'd have to make that pick-up game quick since our fantasy baseball draft is at 2 that day. Plus, I sweat like a virgin at a strip club so that could be a problem.

I'm a dropper though: panties, dimes, and trou. A real triple threat (like Byron James, of course). Since I can't shoot, rebound, or play defense, you bett-uh be on watch for copious amounts of no-look passes.

What is LOL is that anyone could possibly think that Braxton Miller is a better QB/football player/lover than Jonathon Football. That's like saying that Trey Burke is better than Aaron Craft.

Pick me, Prime! We have chemistry from playing together almost 25 years ago when we were both sub-4 feet tall!

Prime99 said...

How could I not stay true to my Team Light Blue roots?!

Mr. Ace said...

Rec-specs, ankle braces and high tops are now required for ribfest.

Jeff said...

The real winners will be the shirts team laughing at the skins team.

Anonymous said...

Lucky for me I have enough chest hair to warrant a year round cashmere look. And shirts/skins was for faggots, anyone who couldnt tell who was on their own team were retarded anyways.

Ide

GMoney said...

The best part about this mythical game is that no one will pick Dut.

And it must be played in the absolute worst neighborhood that we can find (somwhere off of Lockbourne?) to up the danger quotient and LOLZ factor.

GMoney said...

Derek Dorsett done for the year with a broken collarbone. JOIN THE BATTLE!

Anonymous said...

I definitely see Ace wearing a headband and shorts that are way too short. Oh, and bringing a bag with some healthy vegan snacks.

Seal

The Iceman said...

That should be a later post. The Mythical MoneyShot pick up game. G$ and myself are captains. 5 on 5 to 15. Full court.

Anonymous said...

Shit, let's just get us a court at Cleo. It's definitely hood enough, and you can reserve courts. Also, and this is a YUGE bonus, it's indoor to cut down on chances of a driveby.

Or, let's bring a roll away hoop to the Barley's parking lot. Watching G$ sweat out 3 pints while he dry heaves up and down the court (parking lot) would be just super.

Ide

GMoney said...

I only play basketball in black-face. Anything less is a dealbreaker.