|Been there, buddy.|
So for today, I’ve decided to spew out all of my least favorite conditioning activities from my teenage years as a reminder that crushing 4-5 miles on the treadmill isn’t so bad (which it isn’t because I am still an ELITE afflete).
Form Running – This was more of a stretching exercise but what the hell was the point of this? Duck walk? High Knees? Butt Kicks? Who invented these bizarre calisthenics and what exactly were they designed to accomplish? In all 32 years of my life, I have never seen anyone duck walk on the field/court.
The Seven Man Sled – Again, not really an end of practice conditioning test but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t 100% awful. I hated that thing. I hated that every other week, our OL coach would make us do a marathon sled session that lasted 30 minutes and we had to push that fucking thing for 80 miles. Every once in a while, I will catch myself missing football but then I think about the sound made when your shoulder made impact with the sled pad and I eat another stick of string cheese.
Walk The Curves/Sprint The Straights – This was a track exercise that sounded easy but in fact was not because it allowed assbag coaches to tack on more laps. I feel like Walt liked this. Maybe not.
Foul Pole to Foul Pole – There was not much in the way of conditioning for baseball (other than the one time Hum-Dog made us run to the “Tasty Freeze”) which made the few times that we had to run even worse. This probably explains why I had 2,000 doubles and no triples in my lifetime.
Stairs – I didn’t mind stairs all that much actually. Once The Buck (THEE crown jewel of America) was built though, they were incorporated into post-practice conditioning way too frequently though. You ever run up stairs with cleats on? It’s intense!
Gassers – I hated fucking gassers. What kind of asshole makes you practice for three hours and then starts timing wind sprints? I never puked from running but I have a feeling that if I ever did, gassers would have been the main culprit. Especially from those rare times when we were made to run the LEMPH of the field instead of the usual width.
Michigans – Every basketball teams runs these and they likely have a different name in every state but they are basically gassers for basketball and they are ass. I can still hear Coach Ass In The Face yell “ON THE LINE” like he’s the fucking from Miracle. Make sure you touch those lines? Oh yeah, well make sure you touch my cock, jerk.
Up-Downs – We talk about these here all the time but that doesn’t make them any less horrible. Every goddamn fucking year we had to break the previous year’s record that no one remembered the number of. If you didn’t play the great game of high school football, you just won’t ever understand. 200+ up-downs may sound like nothing but you go ahead and try tackling yourself for 25 straight minutes and get up immediately on a 90 degree day in Buttfuck, OH.
The 12 Minute Run – This was a classic dick ploy by The Snizzity and was nearly impossible to achieve. It was basically this: after finishing up practice 1 of the day, we were all told to head to the track. At that point, the whistle came out and the fun began. The lineman had 15 minutes to run 7 laps. The backs had 12 minutes (thus the name). 98% of the team failed this miserably because it can not be done. It was literally the worst thing about being on a football team (and I played with Cullen and Iceman’s class that was filled with assholes). Did I mention that you had to run it in pads? I probably should have mentioned that before you thought that you could achieve this. I don’t remember what the punishment was for all of us failures because I likely blacked out around the 11 minute mark. The 12 Minute Run can eat huge dick.
Today will be left for athletic horror stories. That could be interesting. If anything, just thinking about this shit is going to make Run For Your Lives easier. Man, trying to get in shape as an adult is a lot less death-defying than as a teenager. Either that or I played for a lot of men who were into hyperventilating torture porn. Probably the latter.