Friday, March 01, 2013

This Post Will Leave You Gasping For Air

Been there, buddy.
As I physically and mentally prepare to run for my life over a five kilometer stretch of the Hocking Hills with at least two people that I would like to see eaten (Ide and Iceman), I have had enough un-quality time to reminisce about the past AKA my days as a high school ath-uh-lete. Now I played three sports in high school: dominating football player, basketball before I got hilariously cut as a sophomore due to backstage politics probably, and as a brick wall of a catcher on the diamond. Each sport possessed different forms of awful conditioning that were always loathed by all. Nothing will ever top the stylings of 8th grade football coach, Diggity Doug Edwards, who never made us run ever because “you don’t become a better football player by running; you become a better football player by playing football”. And then we would run ten consecutive trick plays. Damn, that was a great philosophy.

So for today, I’ve decided to spew out all of my least favorite conditioning activities from my teenage years as a reminder that crushing 4-5 miles on the treadmill isn’t so bad (which it isn’t because I am still an ELITE afflete).

Form Running – This was more of a stretching exercise but what the hell was the point of this? Duck walk? High Knees? Butt Kicks? Who invented these bizarre calisthenics and what exactly were they designed to accomplish? In all 32 years of my life, I have never seen anyone duck walk on the field/court.

The Seven Man Sled – Again, not really an end of practice conditioning test but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t 100% awful. I hated that thing. I hated that every other week, our OL coach would make us do a marathon sled session that lasted 30 minutes and we had to push that fucking thing for 80 miles. Every once in a while, I will catch myself missing football but then I think about the sound made when your shoulder made impact with the sled pad and I eat another stick of string cheese.

Walk The Curves/Sprint The Straights – This was a track exercise that sounded easy but in fact was not because it allowed assbag coaches to tack on more laps. I feel like Walt liked this. Maybe not.

Foul Pole to Foul Pole – There was not much in the way of conditioning for baseball (other than the one time Hum-Dog made us run to the “Tasty Freeze”) which made the few times that we had to run even worse. This probably explains why I had 2,000 doubles and no triples in my lifetime.

Stairs – I didn’t mind stairs all that much actually. Once The Buck (THEE crown jewel of America) was built though, they were incorporated into post-practice conditioning way too frequently though. You ever run up stairs with cleats on? It’s intense!

Gassers – I hated fucking gassers. What kind of asshole makes you practice for three hours and then starts timing wind sprints? I never puked from running but I have a feeling that if I ever did, gassers would have been the main culprit. Especially from those rare times when we were made to run the LEMPH of the field instead of the usual width.

Michigans – Every basketball teams runs these and they likely have a different name in every state but they are basically gassers for basketball and they are ass. I can still hear Coach Ass In The Face yell “ON THE LINE” like he’s the fucking from Miracle. Make sure you touch those lines? Oh yeah, well make sure you touch my cock, jerk.

Up-Downs – We talk about these here all the time but that doesn’t make them any less horrible. Every goddamn fucking year we had to break the previous year’s record that no one remembered the number of. If you didn’t play the great game of high school football, you just won’t ever understand. 200+ up-downs may sound like nothing but you go ahead and try tackling yourself for 25 straight minutes and get up immediately on a 90 degree day in Buttfuck, OH.

The 12 Minute Run – This was a classic dick ploy by The Snizzity and was nearly impossible to achieve. It was basically this: after finishing up practice 1 of the day, we were all told to head to the track. At that point, the whistle came out and the fun began. The lineman had 15 minutes to run 7 laps. The backs had 12 minutes (thus the name). 98% of the team failed this miserably because it can not be done. It was literally the worst thing about being on a football team (and I played with Cullen and Iceman’s class that was filled with assholes). Did I mention that you had to run it in pads? I probably should have mentioned that before you thought that you could achieve this. I don’t remember what the punishment was for all of us failures because I likely blacked out around the 11 minute mark. The 12 Minute Run can eat huge dick.

Today will be left for athletic horror stories. That could be interesting. If anything, just thinking about this shit is going to make Run For Your Lives easier. Man, trying to get in shape as an adult is a lot less death-defying than as a teenager. Either that or I played for a lot of men who were into hyperventilating torture porn. Probably the latter.


Anonymous said...

You forgot when you would crawl on your knees from cock to cock to gobble. I believe you called the exercise "Cock Gobble Crawl" when you explained it to me back in our Blackwell days.


Anonymous said...

Man. I will see your very horrible ideas and raise a few of my own.

Rope Climbs. In wrestling we had to knock out 20 reps (20!) at the end of practice. 25 feet up...25 feet down...20 fucking times. 0 explanation. And you thought black people are traumatized when they see ropes.

Bear crawls. Go fuck whoever thought this should be a thing. I hyperextended my elbow the one time my coach decided they should be timed. Not a fun sight oe feeling.

Indian runs. Take 8 people and run around the track. The one in back sprints to the front in continuum for roughly a mile. It takes team effort to slack on that one, and the coaches knew that, so they mixed the fast with the slow.

Leg raises/iron chair. Usually a form of punishment, and for just reason; it is fucking torture. Had to do a 20 minute iron chair once (sitting at a 90° angle against a wall) and hoo boy walking was a real treat for the next 36 hours.

Sauna jump roping. With trashbags on. Kids in Michigan died doing this. I think I clinically died doing this. I did drop 7 pounds in 6 hours and made weight though!

Crash diets are for pussies.


Grumpy said...

G$ looks like the prototypical catcher.

GMoney said...

I will not get involved with this blatant queer baiting. But yes, the idea of doing what wrestlers had to do makes me shit my pants. Plus you had to touch another man's testicles.

I thought that the rope climb was virtually impossible due to physics and gravity and some other nerd shit.

Are the leg raises the same as leg lifts because leg lifts were brutal.

Our indian runs were a little different as it involved hitting the ground and having everyone jump over you and occasionally people not making it and tripping and falling which is always great.

Thanks, Grump, I think.

Anonymous said...

Leg raises = lifts. Gives you Christ on a cross abs, but at what cost?

Oh snap, I forgot about monkey drills. Three people doing a figure eight of tumbling/somersaulting into each other. Looking back, it was hell, but had to be just hilarious to watch transpire. There were a few times I slammed into someone mid air causing both of us to collapse on the person below. Ahh, being white and uncoordinated.

For reference, here is a bunch of karate retards doing it.


MuDawgfan said...

G$ - Did you have to do the 12 minute run in Cleats too? What the hell for? all it's going to do is ruin them. We had a mile and a half run too but they just made us wear football pants, not shoulder pads.

Worst of my conditioning days:

"Big 21" - Our gym always had the bleachers up unless there was a game. So Big 21 was sprinting to one side of the gym and jumping as high as you can to try and touch the top of the bleachers 21 times, then running to the other side and doing 21 sit ups. Run back and subtract three and do 18 touches, then run and 18 sit ups. Hated this.

"Defensive Slides" - Most conditioning drills are bullshit but this one was not. Still sucked though. Hands could not drop below mid chest!

"Block and roll" - Block the sled for 4 seconds till the whistle blows then roll and block the next one till the whistle blows. 100% pointless.

"Wall Sits" - again, ridiculously pointless.

Anonymous said...

16 - 60's. At the end of practice and or conditioning (High School Basketball), the entire team is has to run sideline to sideline 16 times in 60 seconds (back and forth once is 2). If one guy didnt complete it we had to do it again. Beanie was so lazy that he would try and let the team catch up and lap him so he would do 2 less.

For gold we had to run from 1 tee box to 18 green with our bags on our backs.

Ok that one is a joke.


Anonymous said...



Prime99 said...

At UCD for the three weeks I was on the basketball team (G$ wants to talk about backstage politics- welcome to college athletics!) we did 16 100 yard dashes in 16 minutes. 15 seconds to run it, 45 seconds rest. If you didn't make it, you had to do it over 2 days later at 6am. If you didn't make that, you were cut. I made it, but eventually was cut for other reasons. However, this was probably the shittiest thing I've ever had to do conditioning-wise.

How about pressure free throws with a shitty shooter at the line. In high school it was not too much of a problem but in middle, those were torture.

GMoney said...

Dawg, no, we changed into regular shoes for the 12 minute run and if you just had sandals or something, you had to run in your cleats on the side of the track. NOT A BETTER OPTION. But you're right, we were allowed to strip off helmets and shoulder pads but leg pads weigh you down, too. Still sucked balls.

I forgot about Block & Roll. What a pointless thing. Although watching THE MILLER BOMB try to roll in his 350 pound glory brought some hilarity to the drill.

Beanie being lazy sounds about right. He's probably sexually harrassing some teenager as we speak.

Anonymous said...

Leg lifts while a 300 lb coach walks on your stomach. St. Paul jr high football was no joke. Iceman can attest to this hell.


Prime99 said...

Those leg lifts were probably better than the "horseplay" in the show with the D coordinator- right, Iceman?!

Bradycakes should have a lot to say on this subject since he is clearly a speedy, fine-tuned athlete.

GMoney said...

I assume that Iceman has not shown his smelly face around here yet because he is too busy brushing off horrible Trey Burke Sucks losses as nothing. But when he does get here, I imagine him complaining a lot about defensive slide drills since we all know that Ice is allergic to defense. He would have been the perfect player for Jim Boeheim's scheme.

And that concludes my "destroy Iceman" comment of the day.

What did some of you other homos know "Michigans" as?

Prime99 said...

Suicides or Liners.

Anonymous said...

Tiger Rags or Suicides.


Anonymous said...

He's probably butthurt about OSU's 10 point victory at Northwestern. Or, what Michigan is now referring to as a "quality win".


Jeff said...

Our "Michigans" were called Suicides. I'm sure that name has changed now do to our PC society. And once a round was done someone was randomly picked to shoot a free throw. If missed we did another round. We also had another genius idea that if someone got a technical during a game the next practice everyone would run a round of suicides while the player that got T'd up watched. Needless to say we had a dumb negro on our team so we ran a lot.

GMoney said...

Excellent contribution, Jeff.

As I tried out for the basketball team as a sophomore, it became quite obvious very early that this was going to be the end of my "career". On Cut Day, Rune, Pickle, and I, all resigned to our fates, determined that the last person called into the JV coach's "office" (which was not one because Bridges was a dipshit) was deemed to be the worst and we all wanted that title. I was the last one called in and thus the worst. It was a proud day. When he gave me the news, I think that we both started laughing. It was tremendous. I began my legendary career as an intramural BALLA the next day.

Ice Man said...

I I haven't showed because my job sucks. I'll be back in a few to share some gems.

The Iceman said...

The absolute worst thing about playing an organized sport was 2-a-days. There is no close second and this isn't up for debate. 2-a-days can suck every last inch of my cock and balls. Nothing compares to the disgustingness of practicing in a fucking downpour in the morning, then putting wet equipment back on for the afternoon session only to have the rain clear up for 105 degree weather. I would probably willingly make out with a man before doing that shit ever again. The only thing that got me through 2-a-days was trying to guess what color Rickenburg's puke was going to be that day.

Jeff said...

Agreed, 2-a-days were the fucking worst. Nothing tops them. One year during a session our QB and center fumbled like 3 snaps in a row and we ran sprints for the next 45 mins in the 100 degree heat and humidity. The next day we had a scrimmage and being so dehydrated from the day before and trying to do my best JJ Swat impression while playing DE, both of my legs locked out when I jumped to try and tip a screen pass. I could not move and eventually had to be carried off the field. On film it looked like a sniper had shot me in mid air.

Anonymous said...

Summer two-a-days were internment camps from what I remember of them in middle school. Winter two-a-days were basically a free pass to get out of class the rest of the day and pass out in our homemade beds in the locker room (yes, most of us had pillows from home). Those, while nothing is worse than being in school at 4:45 to workout/run/play 120 minutes of basketball with no breaks,timeouts, fouls (ugh), weren't bad given how terrible our teachers felt for us.

On a semi related note to those of us going out for the zombie run, I still wish I had those insane practices. What I wouldn't give to be insanely pushed to do that kind of athletic activity at this age, without spending thousands on some faggot trainer. Teachers reliving their glory days and the realization that if you quit, you will be mocked and laughed at for the rest of your life was all the motivation I needed. I don't feel like doing another set at the gym, I fucking walk out, without remorse.


Thad Matta said...

Whew, what a win last night! Did you see me give that slave the business! Epic! Made him shine my shoes the whole way home! I'm a terrible coach.

--Potato Nose

The Iceman said...

And you're right about defense, G$. Defense is for the birds and doesn't get your name in the Northwest Signal. Offense gets you pussy and the Moe man knocking at your door for an exclusive.

There was one time my Senior year I got a detention from that anal wart Mr. Atkinson for talking in study hall. It was complete horse shit and I think he gave it to me because he lived in Liberty Center. Anyhoo...after my calculations I determined that if I hustled I would be able to make it to basketball practice on time despite my bullshit detention. Oh no...Atkinson made damn sure I would be late for that practice. I had never thrown up from conditioning a day in my life until that day. I was 15 minutes late for practice and had to run a double suicide for each minute late and run each one under 60 seconds after practice was over. I should've puked on the court just to teach them a lesson.

GMoney said...

Here's the thing about two-a-days:

I hated them like Indians hate showers and I always will. But with health and safety being a big hot button today, it seems like every level of football is lessening or even getting rid of two-a-days. To that I say BULLSHIT. I had to do it, dammit, and we did them six days a week for 3-4 weeks in August on a field with no grass growth. If you want to play football, you get your ass out there and you find that fucking ball.


GMoney said...

I wish that I could get a ring tone to be "Moe Man talking" because he had the greatest nasally voice ever. Fun fact: he is still alive!

GMoney said...

And if you were asking yourself, "What is G$ drinking right now?", the correct answer would be FAYGO MOON MIST, BITCH!

I define juggalo.

Prime99 said...

2-a-days is a rite of passage. I used to dread Christmas break in high school because I knew our coaches would hold 2 or even 3 practices a day. Game day was a goddamn vacation.

GMoney said...

By the way, great night of TV on consecutive channels tonight with the CBJ trying to end the Blackhawks attempt at McClure Perfect Season, Cavs/Clippers, and Miami/Ohio Buckeyes hockey on STO with the RedHawks only needing one point this weekend to be the last CCHA champion.