"You fuckin serious?? They agreed to that shit?!"
A quick tip from my weekend. If you don't want your white long sleeve button up ruined...don't wear it around a ton of drunk assholes at a hockey game. And if you see someone spill a drink on a guy by complete accident, mind your own fucking business instead of being a God damn tattle tale. Is it "tail" or "tale" Like...you have a tail or you're telling a tale? Eh...fuck it. Who cares. Just stop being a whiny cunt. Today let's take a little trip around the NFL and shit talk the most recent moves being made, shall we?
Sweet sacks of pig shit! By now I'm sure you've all seen the L to the O to the LZ contract the Ravens just fucking gift wrapped for Joe Crappo. Flacco is ass. I'm sorry...he is. Actually I'm not sorry. Look at his numbers. Since you're all lazy dick lickers I'll conveniently post them for you. In 2012:
19th in completion percentage
14th in passing yards
14th in yards per attempt
15th in passing touchdowns
24th in interceptions thrown
8th in number of times sacked
I don't give a finger blasting fuck if he was a Super Bowl winner this year. There isn't a more average QB in the NFL. Okay...outside of Eli Manning. You guys got me there. The fact that Flacco is the highest paid quarterback in the league is a fucking disgrace to the game. Flacco is the Gilbert Arenas of the NFL...but with fewer guns and more plaid lumberjack shirts. Why am I so pissed about this? The Ravens just fucked themselves for the next 6 years. I guess I just hate when mediocre is celebrated.
Yesterday the Chiefs made Dustin Colquitt the NFL's highest paid punter after giving him...are you ready for this shit? Nineteen million over five years and 9 million guaranteed. Somewhere Kevin Milius is in a fist pumping frenzy over this news. RESPECT THE SPECIAL TEAMS DAG NABBIT!! But seriously...you should have just burned that money or used it for something fun. Like filling up a city pool with pudding or taking a trip to the fucking moon or something. No punter, I repeat, NO FUCKING PUNTER is worth that coin. There are 124 FBS schools in the country. That means there are 124 guys who could probably do that same job for a fraction of the cost. I can't wait for someone today to tell me how UNDERRATED NFL punters are. Sounds like an Ace thi....wait! No. Definitely a BradyCakes thing.
Speaking of LOLZ Chiefs things. Kansas City signed Dwayne Bowe to a 5 year deal reported worth roughly 11 mil a season. Hilarious! Here is how I imagine this went down.
Guy 1: What do you think about resigning Bowe?
Guy 2: You mean the guy who has been bitching since his rookie year about getting the hell out of here?
Guy 1: Yeah. I was thinking like 9 million a year over the next 5...
Guy 2: You know he hates it here, right?
Guy 1: /thinking.....You're right. Let's make it 11 million.
I'm stunned a team that rewards a bitchy malcontent and gives a punter a fucking king's ransom was smart enough to sever ties with a "stud" like Cassel. But then again they are planning on bringing in Cassel 2.0 to replace him. Reportedly.
That does it for me. Short and sweet today because I'm out of ideas and I've had a HELL of a week. And it's only Tuesday. There is a lot of speculation out there right now with hot free agent names. Feel free to discuss ELITE moves that will happen in the future. Like Greg Jennings to the Browns and Reggie Bush to the Lions (LOL). And don't forget to call BradyCakes by his new nickname from now on. Credit Prime.