Thursday, March 07, 2013

Open Forum: Condiments!

Bad quarterback but excellent condiment artist.  Notice the lack of catsup, terrorists.
It’s going to be tough to top the greatness of yesterday’s Rupe-filled post (featuring me putting Iceman in his place yet again) so I’m not going to try to. It helps that I’m nursing a real bitch of a cold right now and my bloggin’ energy is running low. So I’m just going to fire up a quick food-based post that is equal parts important, thought-provoking, recommended by Prime after Chili-Gate, and stolen from an old Deadspin Funbag.

So let’s pose that same question: You are allowed only five condiments to use for the rest of your life. No more and no less. If you have any debate about whether or not something counts as a condiment, than it does count. What are you choosing?

OK, so this is a tough call. You have to consider all of your food options. I don’t eat breakfast so not needing any jellies or syrups is a huge plus. I really want to add that cup of butter that Papa John’s gives out because it is bananas but those things shave a decade off your life with every dunk. What about beef? Chicken? RIBS? Pork? Sandwiches? Potatoes? Can I live the rest of my life without chocolate milk? Oh God, why would someone want me to live without chocolate milk! Here is what I came up with:

1. Mustard – Regular is fine and it goes with everything
2. Horsey Sauce – Perfect for sandwiches and cleaning out your sinuses
3. Frank’s Red Hot – I chose this over salsa and the highly underrated taco sauce. I may regret that down the road.
4. Marinara sauce – Now you just added pizza, pasta, and meatball sandwiches to the rest of your life. You’re welcome. Also: chicken parmesan is terrific.
5. Ranch dressing – Just in case you ever feel the need to eat a salad, your bases are covered now. Plus, ranch makes a decent gravy for mashed taters if you’re in a pinch. Ranch makes everything better.

You’ll notice that I didn’t include ketchup because it was never considered. Why? Well, I’m not an 8 year old and ketchup literally goes with nothing other than French fries. You don’t put it on hot dogs EVER. It isn’t needed for burgers. If you dip nuggets into catsup, you should be jailed. Yet ketchup always comes in a 400 ounce bottle. Why is that? Only little kids like ketchup. It’s time to be a man and start putting big boy condiments on your food.

Also, there appears to be some sort of backlash at mayo (or BIG MAYO as Magary likes to put it). I don’t think that mayo is nasty. That doesn’t mean that I’m slathering all of my deli sandwiches with Miracle Whip (or the vastly superior Hellmann’s) but I don’t get all the hate. I personally love to have semen-looking things in my mouth.

Do they still make Grey Poupon? That stuff wasn’t nearly as good as the commercials made it seem. I didn’t even feel like a big shot when I ate it. I also left off BBQ sauce. I’m sure that someone will hate on me for that. I don’t care. So let’s open up the phone lines for some talk on toppings today and I’ll be off taking shots of DayQuil in the corner. My apologies if you don’t care for this post. It will be the last time that I listen to Prime.


Anonymous said...

Siracha sauce is the GOAT there is one.

Stadium mustard.


Fresh homemade salsa.



Anonymous said...

1. Ranch- this is number 1,2, and 3 for me. Ranch is the greatest condiment ever.
2. BBQ sauce- so many uses with all different kinds of meat. What man doesn't choose BBQ sauce to be on this list?
3. Syrup- I love breakfast and you can put syrup on more than just pancakes/waffles. It's awesome on sausage and bacon.
4. Mustard- preferably spicy brown, just too many uses.
5. Hot sauce- it should be on the table during all 3 daily meals. And can be used as a wing sauce.

Since when is marinara a condiment?


Grumpy said...

Mayo for dipping fries.

Sweet Thai chili sauce

Maple Syrup

Honey mustard

Mayo on burgers

Anonymous said...

Hot Sauce
Chocolate Sauce

Anonymous said...

I don't even think I eat 5 condiments total. But here goes.

Bacon (#2 condiment in the world)
Hot Sauce
Jelly (apple butter is ELITE)

I actually reallh hate condinents. Like, really hate them. Im the asshole who modifies every sandwich at every restaurant. And here is the main culprit: Mayo.

It is fucking nasty and NOBODY can convince me any different. The ingredients in mayo are simple: raw eggs and oil. THATS IT. So please explain to me why keeping raw eggs and oil on room temperature shelves for months on end is OK? It's fucking not. Raw eggs and oil. Everything else in that jar is a chemical. Now, far be it from me to preach about the organics of food, but that is fucking gross.


GMoney said...

Grumpy listed mayo twice because of course he did.

Seal, the more I thought about this, the more I realized that there were a lot of loopholes and then my head started to hurt. Blame Prime.

Ide is the asshole that likes things plain. LOL. What a homosexual.

Grumpy said...

Mayo is refrigerated, dumbass. It is the king of condiments. I eat it with burgers, fries, fish, any deli sandwich.

You sir are some kind of subversive.

Anonymous said...

How is Grumpy not dead?


Grumpy said...

Lots of mayo and a blowjob every morning.

GMoney said...

First of all, who dips fries in mayo? And what is the difference between burger mayo and fry mayo? Grumpy is old as shit.

Mayo does not come refrigerated; it's on a shelf so Ide at least makes one decent point today.

Also delicious:
*Big Boy Tartar sauce
*Thousand Island (got to have reubens and to a lesser extent Big Macs)
*That zesty onion ring sauce that is the only reason to ever got to Burger King
*Cane's sauce. CANE'S SAUCE!

Ketchup is still the worst.

MUDawgfan said...

BBQ Sauce - Memphis/KC Style, not Carolina Vinegar style

Chipotle/Southwestern Ranch - my #1 favorite salad dressing. All the flavor of ranch with a little kick.

Crunchy Peanut Butter - not a very diverse pick but absolutely delicious.

Cholula hot sauce - Beats out Sriacha by a nose.

Marinara Sauce

Anonymous said...

I've seen Seal put maple syrup on ranch.

Can chili be a condiment as long as it's beanless? I agree there are too many loopholes on this subject. TECHNICALLY things like pepper and butter are condiments but GTFO with that nonsense

Frank's Redhot
Stadium mustard
BBQ sauce

J from JBeanie

Jeff said...

Ketchup is in Canes sauces. I will use ketchup if other condiments aren't available. Only Heinz of course.

Any Taco Bell Sauce (Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos come out today)

Tabasco Chipotle sauce

spicy mustard

bbq sauce

peanut butter

GMoney said...

So many loopholes indeed...I do like anyone that uses chili as a condiment though. I suppose Tony Packo's does and Tony Packo's is the fucking best so I'll allow it.

Maple syrup on ranch? Seal is intense!

I am aware of what constitutes Cane's sauce. It doesn't make it less delicious. Also, the Mormon "fry sauce" is not horrible. You would think that half ketchup/half mayo would be vomit-inducing but somehow it works OK.

Grumpy said...

Put ketchup on fries in Europe and it marks you as an unsophisticated American.

Prime99 said...

1. Spicy Brown Mustard for sandwiches, hot dogs, burgers, or whatever. Way better than regular or dijon mustard (which is what Grey Poupon is right?)

2. Salsa Verde but it has to be the right kind- sometimes, they overdo it with the jalapenos, but if done correctly, it is great.

3. Ranch - so you want a salad, or you want to dip curly fries into a vat of white liquid that isn't disgusting like Grumpy's mayo? Then Ranch is a must.

4. Guacamole - this can be put in burritos, put on sandwiches, dipped into with chips- it has so many uses and is delicious.

5. Hummas - unsure if this is actually in my top 5, but it is delcious. A Roasted Red Pepper flavor can be great for dipping various chips. Hummas made from BEANS is delicious. Ide hates it because his taste buds haven't hit puberty yet (but his assessment of mayo is correct.)

Brady said...


Franks RedHot

Hickory Farms Sweet Hot Mustard


For the last one, I have to agree with G$. That zesty sauce they give you at BK is unbelievable. I don't know if I could live without it.

Prime99 said...

That onion ring sauce G$ mentioned is awesome. I believe they serve a superior version at Outback with their fried onion thing.

Brady said...

Ketchup is NOT the worst by the way. I have no problem if you want to dip chicken nuggets in it or put it on hot dogs. I still do both when the mood strikes me.

Anonymous said...

Bloomin Onion sauce at Outback is fucking tits.


Anonymous said...

Ketchup is ok on hotdogs - NOT on chicken nuggets. We are not 4 years old.


Prime99 said...

BradyCakes strikes again!

GMoney said...

Ketchup is never acceptable on hot dogs. This isn't fucking amateur hour.

Way back when, Tim Burke (the Te'o story breaker) had his own site that I used to check in on from time to time. One day he was at a Rays game and a little kid was eating a hot dog with ketchup on it so he told the mom that she was a terrible mother. To her face. For allowing her little shit to put a tomato-based product on a hot dog. THAT IS ELITE.

One more time, you aren't 5 any more. It's time to let go of catsup.

I will say that I've made a nuggets dipping sauce of half catsup and half Frank's before and it was tasty. It's not like ketchup is worthless, but it is pretty close.

I'm glad that Prime brought up Guac. I like it but for some reason it makes my stomach turn every time I eat it. I don't know if I'm avocado intolerant or what but I can't eat it.


Anonymous said...

I have also made my own nuggets dipping sauce - but Ranch and Franks. Very good.


Anonymous said...

I'll second that avocado reaction G$. I like it just fine, but the last time I had it, it was very fresh, and I vomited for 2 days straight. That was it for me.

You guys are pigeonholing yourselves with brands of hot sauce. Myself, I use different kinds for different foods. I enjoy Texas Pete as my all around hot sauce, but Franks is acceptable. I like sriracha on my slope food, Valentina (black label) on my beaner food, and Dave's Gourmet products for when I want my asshole to shit out balls of fire. Tobasco is white trash.

Another note, I think you guys are confusing things. A condiment is no different from a sauce. BBQ is both. I don't put BBQ on anything, but I want it SLATHERED on my ribs and/or chicken. You don't put condiments on pasta, only blacks do that (and they do, ranch on spaghetti....animals).

Hummus. You fucking asshole.

Salsa is all types of ELITE, because you can make infinite variations. But is a dipping sauce a condiment? Is a bowl of queso dip a condiment? I don't think that it is. We need a ruling on this.

Chili (beanless) as a condiment is ELITE. Yeah, whip cream is definitely off, chili is on that list.

Mayo is fucking gross, and people put it on their fries like crazy here in NYC. Like, every fucking restaurant has scads of these fucks drenching their fries in mayo. Go back to France, Pierre. I often think of that Pulp Fiction line.


Anonymous said...

Condiment is different from a sauce*

The Iceman said...

Who needs marinara when you have ranch? Anything you can spank marinara on is probably better with ranch anyway. And ketchup is fabulous but not good enough to put on my top 5. Stop hating on the father of condiments. Show some REPECK!!

1. Franks. Every other hot sauce is for the homeless.

2. Ranch. Anyone who hates ranch is missing a chromosome.

3. BBQ sauce.

4. Hot Rocks sauce. It's this sauce made by a seafood restaurant around here. This may be cheating a little but fuck it. It has Dijon mustard, hot sauce, mayo, honey, regular pepper and cayenne pepper. I would eat a butthole covered in this stuff.

5. Guacamole. It can go on almost everything. I was pretty close to putting 1000 island on here but I cannot live without guac.

GMoney said...

There are no rulings. Like I said, when in doubt, it's a condiment. Plus it will add more comments and that is always a bonus.

Hell, we're almost at 30 and Iceman hasn't even shown up yet to annoy everyone with his stupid WE ON comments.

GMoney said...

I spoke too soon. GO HOME!

The Iceman said...

BBQ is a sauce, Anon? Are you saying BBQ is not a condiment? Oh....and go fuck yourself.

Prime99 said...

Aww, Ide and G$'s tum-tums can't handle guac...

Until you resolve that issue, GTFO with your hummus hate.

Anonymous said...

You cannot promote Hummus and call anyone a pussy or gay. Go eat your mushed chickpeas and suck a Greek's dick wrapped in a grape leaf.

"BBQ is a sauce, Anon? Are you saying BBQ is not a condiment? Oh....and go fuck yourself"

I said it was both. Here is a recap:

"BBQ is both."

Go back to journalism school Woodward.


Brady said...

-Hummus is OK but kind of boring. It doesn't really taste like much.

-Why all the hate for Ketchup? When you're in a pinch, it is perfectly acceptable for chicken nuggets. It wouldn't be my first choice but I'm not throwing those fuckers away if that is my only option.

-I forgot to add honey mustard. I could put that shit on almost anything.

-I was a MAYO hater for almost my whole life. Then about three years ago, I started putting it on subs and club sandwich's. Now I can't live without it. That being said, GTFO with putting that shit on french fries. That is disgusting.

Mr. Ace said...

I know you were all waiting for Vegan input. HERE IT IS:

1. Sriracha. The only thing I don't use it on is cereal.

2. Spicy brown mustard.

3. Maple syrup. The real shit too, not the high fructose corn syrup knockoff.

4. Crunchy Peanut Butter.

5. This was tough, but soy sauce is a must. I eat alot of stir fry, egg rolls and/or sushi. Soy sauce is a must.

Is a condiment basically anything that is not a standalone food? Like guac is a condiment because nobody eats it with a spoon? It was really tough to leave bbq sauce off the list, but I just had to do it.

Anonymous said...

You fools need to get some Siracha in your lives.

Ketchup for nuggets? That is absurd. I'd just add salt and eat plain.


GMoney said...

Brady, when are you ever "in a pinch"? I mean who has a fridge that literally has NOTHING in it but ketchup other than frat BRAHS? There are ALWAYS other options.

Ide > Prime...haven't been able to say that forever

I was expecting pussier shit (like creamed tofu or something) from Ape. This was a surprising turn of events and I like the clarification that everything qualifies if it isn't a stand alone food-stuff (or Food & Stuff where a certain bad ass buys his meat).

On a somewhat related note, have we talked about those new Lay's flavors yet? Srirachi is the best one I've sampled.

Prime99 said...

My question is, are you arguing that hummus is disgusting or not top 5 worthy? Have you even tried a roasted garlic or some flavored kind? Do they even sell it east of the Rocky Mountains? I know you probably hate a delicious healthier alternative to ranch with bacon grease, but have you even tried it?

Ace- good call on soy sauce.

The Iceman said...

"Anonymous said...
Condiment is different from a sauce*"

There's the whole post that generated my response, numb nuts. Maybe you should learn how to label your posts. Oh. And since you insist on being a dildo...explain hot SAUCE not being a condiment. Fag.

Grumpy said...

Since when is peanut butter a condiment? It's a stand alone food.

Prime is right about roasted garlic hummus; plain hummus is terrible.

At Ribfest everyone must try mayo on their fries. There will be converts.

Look for sweet Thai chili sauce at your grocer. Spices up fish and chicken.

Anonymous said...

" A condiment is no different from a sauce."

Original post at 10:16. Using that as a correct context, my statement makes no sense at all, hence the correction at 10:17 with the asterisk.

Since, I can see this is going to be a huge pissing contest, let's break it down.

A sauce is in integral part to a dish (BBQ on ribs/alfredo on pasta/etc.). A condiment enhances flavor on a dish, usually a sandwich or finger foods. BBQ/Marinara/etc. can be both. Ketchup/Ranch/etc. can enhance food but not be used as a sauce unless you are Honey Boo Boo.

Wings/nuggets tossed in hot SAUCE = buffalo wings, you tit.


GMoney said...

You fucking idiots will argue about anything. I feel sorry for whoever our server is at RibFest.

Not really related but the wife and I went out to a big fancy dinner at O'Charley's on Saturday and this really fat trash family was sitting at the table over. The grandma asked for a baked potato with extra butter (LOL) while the half-retarded son requested that his two sides be "two baked potatoes". The point is that in Goosetown, butter is a condiment and a sauce and a way of life.

The Iceman said...

"You fucking idiots will argue about anything"

It's the backbone of this website.

I'm ordering ketchup sauce at RibFest.

Anonymous said...

Ide- what was the trashiest condiment/salad dressing/dipping sauce that WT ordered from our serving days? Any white guy wearing a cutoff or any black people (not on food stamps) order ranch.

I love Mt. Dew, also extremely trashy, so I'm not trying to sound like an elitest here, because I will have ranch on occasion as well, but nothing screams "I will be paying for this bill with change" more than "Y'all got any ranch for this salat?"


Grumpy said...

I lost all respect for G$ when he declared O'Charley's "fancy".

Anonymous said...

Grumpy - im pretty sure that was a joke.

Also, I waited tables at Red Lobster all through college. I can go on all fucking day about disgusting shit people ask for. Guess what color the people were that like French and blue cheese dressing on their salad right before their extra well done steak?


The Iceman said...

Well done steak is about the most disgusting thing on the planet. I can get beef jerky at any gas station. I don't want it at a restaurant and dripping with gravy so I can swallow it better. (Gay joke) Medium rare steak or GTFO.

Anonymous said...

Soy sauce is indeed delicious.

I don't know why anyone would ever go eat at a place like O'Charleys.


GMoney said...

Yeah, I was being facetious. I don't think that it's bad though. There are certainly way worse chain rest-rints.

While Ranch is indeed the best salad dressing, there isn't a bigger difference in quality than going from ranch to fat-free ranch. The wife sometimes accidentally buys fat free ranch. She has bruises to explain to the neighbors the next morning.

Buke gave me a good idea. In honor of Colin T. Cowherd, there may be a soda post in the near future.

This topic has garnered more interest than I thought. Food is the language of this site.

Anonymous said...

Food posts always bring the boys to the yard.

If you're buying grocery store ranch, and it's anything other than Hidden Valley Ranch, your mother should have late stage aborted you.

I'm really glad that no one said sour cream today. Another shit condiment.

Black people are the worst when it comes to most things, and food is no exception. However, they gave us ribs and smoked meats, some great sides like greens braised in pork fat (sorry, Indianapolis). They also had the balls to pair fried chicken with waffles. I went to the hub of soul food in Harlem once when I was drunk (most assuredly embarrassing the not racist people I was with), and tried this combination out. My God, fried chicken and waffles are TRANSCENDENT as a food.

No word on if the like named Lays chips G$ alluded to are any good, I gave up fried food for Lent.


GMoney said...

If you ever speak ill toward Paul Newman and his dressings again, you're getting 30 lashes.

The Iceman said...

I had 2 of the 3 experimental flavors of Lay's last night. Siracha and Chicken and Waffles. The CAW taste like you're chugging syrup. The Siracha were just okay. I would have to give the nod to CAW as of now since I haven't tried the Cheesy Garlic Bread or whatever the hell Ex Tony Parker was barking about on that commercial with the Iron Chef guy. But I don't know what's wrong with Lay's Sour Cream and Onion chip....why do they need new flavors when SCAO are still on the market?

Anonymous said...

Jalepeno > SCAO. But, I see your point.


The Iceman said...