Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Introducing Stone Cold Steve Levy

Mind if I put my biscuit in your basket?
Boy, Iceman wasn’t shitting us yesterday when he announced that nothing was going on non-brackets related. We’re going to really have to pull each other up by our bootstraps today (what does that even mean?) to get a cromulent post before back-to-back mail-in posts as we head into RibFest. I don’t want to talk about football, baseball, basketball, or hockey so we might as well discuss mythical bitch-fighting AND professional wrestling. Bet you didn’t see that coming.

When you’re growing up out in the cornfields and you and your BRAHs are trying to avoid homosexual experimentation, you tend to have a lot of weird arguments and debates about nothing that could actually be proven. In between euchre games and mooning motorists and jars of canned pears out at Hoffman’s, there was one topic that seemed to pop up more than it probably deserved to: Who is the toughest anchor at ESPN. I’ve never said that we were scholars.

I constantly got ripped on for my selection as the champion of Bristol Fight Club but I still think that I’m right. 15 years later, I’m still sticking with him as my pick. That’s right, in my personal opinion, Steve Levy kicks all the ass at ESPN. The guy has a solid build, a fucking HUGE melon on top of his neck that I assume could absorb a lot of punishment, and is a big hockey guy (which, to me, means that he can brawl). I correctly feel that he is the toughest. Who is going to step up to my boy, Stevie Levy? John Anderson? Larry Biel! Bob Ley? Fucking Berman?

Brian Kenny might have made a good claim for the top spot but he’s gone and Levy is back where he belongs at the top. So the question is, who is the biggest tough guy at ESPN (it’s Steve Levy—by the way, ex-athletes don’t count)? We can also do a women’s division, too. Hannah Storm couldn’t even beat up her gas grill. I have a feeling that my girl, Lindsay Czarniak, is some sort of kickboxing wizard so I’ll pick her. Colin Cowherd would get choked out by Mike Lupica in four seconds.

In part two today, we are taking a cue from Mr. Ace and hopping on The Road To Wrestlemania (pretty good card this year but we’re not going to get into that…unless you want to)! A few weeks ago, Ace asked his four friends on Facebook to name the greatest pro wrestling finishing maneuver of all time. This is exactly my kind of topic as I enjoy the sport of idiots. In my opinion, a great finisher has to have a few things (we’re not counting submission moves here because nothing could ever touch The Boston Crab):

*athleticism
*aesthetically pleasing – Does it look awesome?
*does it look like it hurts – That is huge. In a sport that ”IT’S REAL TO ME, DAMMIT”, I have to believe that when it connects, it’s over. And if someone did this to you in real life, you would be knocked the fuck out. Everyone likes The Rock but the Rock Bottom is such a stupid move.

When you factor in all three of those above, I feel like there is only one that rises above the fray. Sweet Chin Music for the win!

Just look at that for the rest of the day…just gorgeous. So there is your official answer, Ape, and always remember that the worst finisher ever is The Pedigree. With that, it’s time for me to give this post the Bonzai Drop. I should also say that I had my first fantasy baseball draft last night so if you want to know who I got, just ask nicely.

Site note expanding on what I said at the start: I usually just leave the site dark during the Thursday and Friday tournament games but I might as well just throw up something (even if it’s just a picture) so we can BradyCakes live-Tweet Indians games/basketball if you want.

41 comments:

Grumpy said...

Bobo Brazil and the sleeper hold.

Anonymous said...

Thanks god that season is over.

Stan Varret. Why? He's black.

Razors edge or the tombstone for sure.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, Stuart Scott and his cancer/one good eye would win this...he loves to mention his octagon training and he's black.

SLOW SEAL + Kentucky = LOLZ!!!!!!!

Way to go from the top five to a first round NIT knock out by ROBERT MORRIS...LOLZ!

You shouldn't even want those kids to come back. They were pissing down their legs against ROBERT MORRIS. Just think if they ever played in a relevant game.

Also....all of you Gator lovers really need to reconsider.....SEC! SEC! SEC! SEC! SEC!

I love how that pathetic slimeball Calipari said after the game that Kentucky was "hijacked" by a few players this year. LOLZ WUT? You get paid a few million a year to fucking COACH that team and make sure "hijackings" don't happen/being ROBERT MORRIS BOTTOM BITCH doesn't happen.

Slow Seal...you liked to latch onto your defending national.champs label as a crutch while your season spiraled down the toilet all winter....I hope you enjoy being ROBERT MORRIS bottom bitch just as much for the next year.

NIT one seed....first round knockout...LOLZ!

Mr. Ace said...

Espn deathmatch: Skip Bayless or Mike Hill. Probably Hill because he is a black arky guy.

No finishing move is as esthetically appealing as the Perfect Plex, finishing move and pin all in one. Seal I like your inclusion of the Razors Edge, chico, as that was my original suggestion. I still dont know. Sweet Chin Music is ELITE, but I'm not sure I am okay with a karate kick to the face being number 1. I need to do some more research.

Anonymous said...

G$ not voting for the million dollar dream? For shame.

I've always been partial to the figure 4 or the DDT. They aren't super flashy, but you know that would totally kill if done for real.

GMoney said...

I said no submission holds were considered. The Perfect Plex is a great move that somehow no one does anymore after that asshole died. When I tried to pick a fight with Mr. Perfect was one of the finest moments of my life.

The Razor's Edge was stupid. I said it. Jake The Snake delivered a terrific DDT, no doubt about it. And then he got addicted to crack so you know that that move gives you demons.

I think that Stan V is an excellent contender for Levy's Tough Guy crown. Does it matter that Stan is out in LA? Do we have bi-coastal champions? Too many questions. ESPN hires too many pussies...and I'm including Sage Steele.

Yes, indeed, UK sucks. Seal predicted that loss on Facebook before the game started so I give him some DAP there.

I watched a million year old Bobo Brazil wrestle some local shit show at the Napoleon skating rink when I was 18. He was a walrus. Funny thing about that, there was some dickhead tag team wrestling and we were sitting in the front row (there were only three rows of chairs) and he came over to do some heel behavior to us.

G$: You're a stud.
Wrestler (noticing that the future She$ is sitting next to me with many others): That's what your girlfriend said.

He burned me good.

Jeff said...

JACKETS!!! Tied for the EIGHFF spot baby. Can this team salvage enough points on the road is the real question. I think so, I think they're in every game with BOB between the pipes.

Jeff said...

Rece Davis seems like he would be in pretty good shape and could kick some ass, but then again his name is Rece

Nate said...

Not sure about best moves, but the two worst finishing moves I remember:

Mankind / Dude Love / Mick Foley and the Mandible Claw. Basically nothing more than shoving your fist down a guy's throat.

Second place is Golddust's Shattered Dreams. Nothing like running as fast as you can and scissor kicking a guy in the groin.


Nobody at Bristol would stand a chance against Big Ten Network's Howard Griffith.

The Iceman said...

I'm gonna agree with G$ and say nothing beats Sweet Chin Music. That would knock your ass out cold every time. The only thing that could ever beat it is the Undertaker's Tombstone...if done correctly. That would shatter your spine/kill you.

Tiki Barber said this morning on the radio that his first alcoholic drink was a wine cooler. LOLZ. Just how I imagined it. Dana Jacobsen has also been a drunk slut since she was 14 years old.

As for the ESPN anchors...I'm going with Jonathan Coachman. After spending all those years in the WWE he had to have picked up some pointers and moves. And he's black so he automatically knows how to fight and fight dirty.

Anonymous said...

No finishing move made more girls wet or cream than the Rude Awakening. None.

Razors Edge was also pretty tits, and can I throw in the Doomsday Device?

GSaul and Dut better be at Nationwide on Friday. Maybe homo.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide, I thought about mentioning the Doomsday Device simply because I'm certain that LOD was trying to kill their opponents during every match. It was as if no one told them that wrestling was fake.

Sergei Bobrovsky has the best finishing move ever...although he was a little shaky last night. No problem though when you have that strangely tanned Vinny Prospal using his old man STREMPH for 3 assists.

Rece Davis would be a high seed in an ESPN tough guy bracket. He looks like a gym rat. Also, I would love to see Mort get punched in the face repeatedly. Coach is a good pick although his confidence has to be shaky after years of physical and verbal abuse from The Rock.

I've always wondered how they made Yokozuna's bonzai drop not real. I mean, a 500+ pound guy sitting on your chest can't be faked, can it? You could also include the Earthquake Splash.

I will always remember Drew's story about his buddy crying at a wrestling show because he thought that Rick Rude was going to steal his mom and annihilate her vagina. Rick Rude was the best.

GMoney said...

By the way, if you want to see a one-legged guy get murdered by the ultimate ass kicker, do a YouTube search for Brock Lesnar vs. Zack Gowen. It's some of the most uncomfortable and best ten minutes of your life. Lesnar, a legitimate asshole that I love, just beats the shit out of this gimp in front of his family. Lesnar rules.

GMoney said...

By the way, the first play-in game was surprisingly ELITE.

AND WHO DOUBTED ME SAYING NICE THINGS ABOUT ST. MARY'S!!! That's a good team.

Anonymous said...

Yes, they are certainly better than ELITE Kelly Holcomb's alma mater. They certainly helped theirs and Gonzaga's reputation by dispatching the perennial powerhouse of Middle Tennessee State.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I said the Stone Cold Stunner was the best but I get why that wouldn't be #1. If Stone Cold can stun 80 year old Vinny Mac, then it's probably not as much of a threat in real life.

Linda Cohen would be a sleeper in the ESPN fight. She's probably a man.

GMoney said...

I was also a big fan of Lex Luger's torture rack. It probably didn't hurt at all and Luger sucked (plus he killed Miss Elizabeth--would still bang though, Liz not Lex) but it looked cool.

GSaul offers me a free ticket (3rd row) to last night's game but at 6:30. I need more time than that, son. That moves the CBJ to 2-0 when I turn down free tickets.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

G$, I'm offering you tickets to all Blue Jackets road games the rest of the season. You must provide your own transportation. Tickets will be at will call.

What's that you say? You can't make them?....

Anonymous said...

What's this about them giving Bobrovsky smelling salts instead of taking him out of the game with a concussion last night? That is ELITE.

Football players are pussies.

Ide

Brady said...

Barry Melrose?

Jericho with the Lion Tamer!

GMoney said...

He didn't have a concussion. In Soviet Russia, helmet hits puck.

Sorry, Jeff, I will have to turn down that offer.

/sets out lawn chair on High St for Stanley Cup championship parade

GMoney said...

How many times do I have to say, Cakes, that submission moves were not really considered. Plus, Sweet Chin Music is better looking anyway.

Anonymous said...

Barry Melrose was my pick, but it was said earlier that professional players can't be considered. Because, if so, Ray Lewis would win hands (shanks) down.

Ide

The Iceman said...

"How many times do I have to say, Cakes, that submission moves were not really considered"

That's SOOO BradyCakes.

If the commenters here were wrestlers, BradyCakes finishing move would be "The 40 Yard LOL". Submission by hilarity. And his entrance music would definitely be something by Nickelback.

Brady said...

Guess I didn't read the post that well. I'll just sit quiely in the corner for the rest of the day.

GMoney said...

"If the commenters here were wrestlers"...best topic idea ever.

Prime feels like a Ric Flair. Ide is The Brooklyn Brawler. Justin Verlander is Hillbilly Jim.

By the way, Justified was incredible last night. Please do a spin-off of Raylan and Boyd's high school years, FX.

The Iceman said...

FYI...Iceman wedding save the dates should be in the mail by the end of the week. If you don't get one it's because you never sent me your address. DEAL WITH IT!

Prime99 said...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Justified is always great. Though, I really wondered why at the end Hopalong Bob and Raylan didn't jump on the same train.

Can BradyCakes be Bobby Heenan?

Ide

Anonymous said...

Hey Drew -

Do me a favor and google, Julius Randle.

Seal

GMoney said...

Bobby Heenan is awesome. BradyCakes is far from it. He can not be The Brain. Cakes can be someone stupid like Randy Orton.

By the way, fuck the Dispatch in the ass for not allowing me to read the Blue Jackets beat stuff online anymore while they try to gouge my wallet. I'm not giving you shit, assholes. I demand free Portzline.

Prime99 said...

Could The Cakes be Eugene?

Anonymous said...

I picture Cakes as Duke "The Dumpster" Drose or maybe P.N. News.

Anonymous said...

Playboy Buddy Rich?

The Iceman said...

The Cakes has got to be Disco Inferno...or the Blue Blazer.

GMoney said...

I will be able to judge Cakes' wrestling persona after I meet him this weekend. Doink seems apt at the moment.

Who the fuck keeps referencing all of these REALLY old wrestlers?

Anonymous said...

Probably the Cakester himself after googling obscure references.

Ide

Brady said...

I have no idea who any of those wrestlers are. I had a brief but torrid affair with the WWE in the late 90's. It was mostly fueled by Chris Jerricho and Cobra 40's. I'll just assume all of those guys are awesome, like me, and move along with my day.

GMoney said...

Fair enough...anyone representing Perd Hapley in their avatar can't be that bad. YA HEARD?

Anonymous said...

I recall saying Larry Biel was the biggest espn badass. I can't believe that was an argument/discussion that we had several times.

I think the Bird/Jordan debate was the one we had most often.

Justified was tremendous again!

G$ I think you should make a pitch somewhere for the Boyd/Raylan spinoff. That would be tv gold.

Trey Burke sucks

Buke