Thursday, March 28, 2013

I Wrote This and Then Landed on the DL

Googling "stupid Cubs fans" was a great decision
The first pitch of the 2013 baseball will be thrown this Sunday night by whoever the hell the Opening Day starter for the Houston Astros is. Is it Darryl Kile? He’s dead? Whatever, I still can’t name more than 4 guys on that 20 million dollar roster but it is nice that MLB is putting them on national TV for some dumb reason. Anyway, I usually break this prediction post up into two days but for the sake of Iceman’s sanity, I’m lumping it all into today. If you do need more baseball coverage, feel free to tweet TribeCakes69. Let’s get going on a post that will certainly be as shaky as a Bruce Rondon save situation.

BREAKING!!! Tim McCarver is retiring from the broadcast booth after this season. I haven’t been this excited since the day that I met Ted DiBiase. Now who will tell me why they call a fastball a fastball!!!

NL East:
1. Atlanta 2. Washington* 3. Philadelphia 4. New York 5. Miami
I’m all in on The Soul Patrol this year. I think that Larry Jones was holding them back with his endless supply of bastard kids (well, at least one). The Nats are the prohibitive favorites to win this division but I see them taking a small step backwards this year simply because now they are expected to win which we all know is much harder. Roy Halladay is barely breaking 87 mph with his fastball so far. That’s not good news for a team that is going to need to win a lot of 2-1 games. I have David Wright on both of my fantasy teams. This is probably a bad thing for him. I still don’t understand why the Mets dumped the NL Cy Young winner for a bag of balls. Remember how the Marlins unloaded their entire roster after suckering the Cuban Mexicans to build them a stadium? Yeah, apparently the owner is suing season ticket holders now. Bad. Come to New York, Giancarlo, where you can platoon with Brennan Boesch.

NL Central
1. St Louis 2. Cincinnati* 3. Milwaukee 4. Pittsburgh 5. Chicago
This is a two team division and we all know this. I only have the Cards ahead of the Reds because not one starter for Cincinnata missed a start last year so expect a whole pants-load of random injuries to occur this season. It is pretty hilarious to see and hear how desperate MLB is to finally nail Ryan Braun to the wall as a cheater but he keeps dodging bullets. The Pirates have gotten their ten fans’ hopes up for the first .500 season in almost forever but I wouldn’t worry about that at all this year. I believe that this epic streak of losing seasons will officially graduate high school this year. The Cubs are fucking terrible. We all know this. Their Opening Day starter was catching balls on his chin from Brady Quinn a few years ago.

NL West
1. Los Angeles 2. San Francisco 3. Arizona 4. San Diego 5. Colorado
Last year’s Dodgers’ season was a goddamn mess of injuries, new ownership, and weird trades. But now that things have settled down and everyone has gotten used to their Magic Johnson AIDS blood, I expect a monster season from them. That means more parking lot beatings as well (which are always welcomed). The Giants have somehow won two of the last three titles (LOL Tigers) yet you never really think that they’re very good. They just have a bunch of guys who come through with timely hits. That can’t be relied on for too long. They miss the playoffs this year. The rest of the teams in this division are very terrible and I’m not going to act like I know what I’m talking about except that my ROY pick plays for the Padres.

NL Awards
Mike Matheny for Manager, Matt KEMPH for MVP, Adam Wainwright for Cy Young, and Jed Gyorko for Rookie of the Year. Who? Exactly.

AL East:
1. New York 2. Tampa Bay* 3. Toronto 4. Baltimore 5. Boston
EVERYONE is writing off the Yankees this year because they got way worse over the winter and everyone decided to get hurt as well. I have never been less excited for a Yankees team since the early 90’s. Now I am aware that they have zero chance of winning the Series this year, but I do think that they rally and win the East. Remember that team that couldn’t hit shit in the postseason? Well on Opening Day they bring back two of those starters (Ichiro and Cano) although the healthy replacements are hilariously shitty. Our pitching will carry us. Joel Maddon is a genius. Have you not heard? This team is better just by not having BJ Upton and Carlos Pena anymore. Toronto looks good but will fail miserably. We all know this. Don’t but into that shit. The Orioles will take a massive step backwards for the same reason that the Nats will take a minor step backwards. Winning is fun. Being expected to win isn’t nearly as much. The Red Sox are shit. Jeff knows this. Jackie Bradley is giving him such a boner though.

AL Central
1. Detroit 2. Kansas City 3. Cleveland 4. Chicago 5. Minnesota
I think I picked the Tigers to win this awful division by 40 games last year and they sucked their way to a title in the last week of the season. This year they should win it by 15. There isn’t another .500-caliber team in the division. But they will flame out in the postseason. I like the Royals this year as most analysts do but since I can’t come up with any logic to back that up, you’re just going to have to trust me. The Indians will be better but not that much. The starting pitching is still all sorts of feces. LOL at thinking Scott Kazmir is about to bounce back. The Tribe finishes a game or two under and Chris Perez continues to say really dumb shit to the media which ends up getting him dealt at the deadline. The White Sox were flukes last year. The Twins are puke.

AL West
1. Los Angeles/Anaheim 2. Texas* 3. Seattle 4. Oakland 5. Houston
I pick the Angels to win the West every year and they always make me look like a turd. Not this time! I have no idea if their pitching will hold up but even if Crack Rocks Hamilton is a bust (and he likely will be), they are still going to score a bananas amount of runs. I feel like Texas has peaked. They keep losing good players and eventually that pitching staff is going to realize that it is dick. The Mariners are managed by Eric Wedge. Respect the ‘stache. I don’t have anything to say about the A’s other than you should add one of their random no-name pitchers to your fantasy team because they always have solid numbers. The Astros might not win 10 games this season. Do you remember Kaz Matsui (the second base-nip from a few years ago)? Houston once put him on the DL with anal fissures. Best DL reason ever.

AL Awards
Joe Girardi for Manager, Mike Trout for MVP, Felix Hernandez for Cy Young, and Wil Myers for Rookie of the Year.

World Series Prediction surely to be terrible!
LA Angels over the LA Dodgers…why not?

No East Coast (or north coast, I guess) bias for me! I can’t wait for all the Mad Dog 20/20 chuggers to chime in about how great their white trash team is and how Victor Martinez will be THE DIFF this season. LOL he will not. By the way, NO ONE is allowed to complain about injuries ruining their team this year. I’m not going to do it and I’m the only one that has a legit claim to use that excuse. But I will not because trading for Vernon Wells eliminates all sympathy. Let’s “have a catch” today with some baseball talk and maybe dissect fantasy teams (my team is awful). Tomorrow will be a short post since the Ohio Buckeyes are playing tonight and I may shoehorn in a few stories from my nephews staying with us this week (always an uncomfortable time). Play ball, son.


Anonymous said...

You are probably right about the Reds staff, someone is going to go down. I praying it is Leake or Arroyo. Hell they had to starters get hit by nasty line drives last week. Neither is going to be out but that is all it is going to take and it could be a rough year.

Atleast they made the right decision and left the best closer in the game as the closer. That bullpen is pretty sick.

The Yankees have injuries because they are all 50 years old. I mean hell they are getting hip replacements already.


GMoney said...

The less you see of Sam LeCure, the better.

Bullpens are great/suck on a year by year basis and it doesn't matter who is out there. You know that.

That's some sound logic with on your Yankees burn. Just know that I will cringe every time someone gets an HBP this season. Our Opening Day lineup on Monday will be something like this:

CF Gardner
RF Ichiro
2B Cano
3B Youk
LF Wells
DH Hafner
SS Jayson Nix
1B Dan Johnson?
C Chris Stewart

That is so much poop.

MuDawgfan said...

"since the day that I met Ted DiBiase."

I stopped reading the post after these words. I want a full breakdown.
Did he say awesome stuff like "Everybody's got a price....Everybody's gotta pay"

Anonymous said...

The Tigers or the Angels will win the World Series....they are that much better than everyone else. Should be an epic ALCS.

Tribe will finish second in the Central.....will be a cute year for them.

Very pumped and very nervous for the game tonight. Arizona is playing some great ball. Craft is going to make Lyons go crazy.

Just a friendly reminder to everyone....Urban Meyer has never lost a game as the head football coach at Ohio State.


GMoney said...

Dawg, I wrote about that in 2011 some time in late July or early August. You are going to have to hit the archives. It's a doozy!

Drew, go fuck yourself. I'm half tempted to bet you a rib dinner that the Angels and Tigers don't play in the ALCS but I'm not sure that I want to sit across a table from you for an hour plus.

GMoney said...

I'm wagering on Ohio tonight so deal with it. It is both a blessing and a curse that I can make bets on my phone. -3.5 is tasty. I also like Marquette tonight since they apparently can not be killed.

Anonymous said...


Thank you for the friendly reminder. In this crazy world we live in, it is sometimes hard to remember what's important.

I don't know what to think of this game tonight. According to ESPN, Arizona averages a turnover on 19.6% of its possessions, which is 150th in the country (Ohio State is 11th). It all seems to come down to whether Aaron Craft and co. can turnover Mark Lyons and keep him from going off. If they do that, they will turn it into an up tempo game and win by 7-10. If they get into a half court contest, with the superior LEMPH of Arizona, all bets are off.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

I may tune in today just to read Indians fans blab about how this is their year...again. Indians fans continue to be the greatest in the most pathetic sense of the word. Cheif WahooCakes is the biggest offender as he rakes leaves with the Indians game on the radio. Sometimes I think Cakes is 85 years old.

I used to pretend to be a Padres fan when sad bastard Indians fans cried about how I needed to have a team if I was going to talk shit about theirs. So I picked the worst team in baseball on purpose. That way when they tried to come at me about how terrible the Padres were I just came back with, "You know I hate baseball, right?" It really bothered them on the same level it bothers Ohio fans when we call the Buckeyes Ohio.

Prime99 said...

I do not think the Cubs will finish last in their division, but fuck if I know who will be worse. I do think the Yanks will miss the playoffs.

Pablo Sandoval said he's giving himself two more years to be fat, and then he will get his weight under control. LULZ to that fat fuck.

GMoney said...

Cakes must be Herb Score or Bob Feller's racist son.

Iceman, have no fear, you have Jed Gyorko now! GO PADS!

Prime, what kind of question was he answering there? Pablo, about how much longer can you see yourself being a lard ass? That is some ELITE journalism.

LS, do not worry. Insane people tend to get their craziest at the worst moment so when Apple Cheeks turns Lyons over for the third possession in a row, I expect to see him pull a gun out of his shorts. I'm not sure how that will effect the line though. I find it almost insulting how "nervous" you assholes are. Stop acting like this will ever be close.

Anonymous said...

Stop trying to jinx us, G$. I do expect the game to go like many of the last 10 have. It stays close early, OSU goes on a decent run in the middle of the first half with Arizona closing the gap towards the end of the half. OSU opens the second half with a huge run. Arizona makes a huge run to bring it close. OSU's ability to stop Arizona's inevitable 2nd half run will determine the winner of this game. It damn near cost OSU against Iowa State when they gave up 13 points in 2:05.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I see us beating the shit out of them. Harvard and Belmont and a PAC 12 non title year means they have played with zero pressure. They can dick around and beat UF in November and their coach is legit, but no PG is LOLZ, and won't help them when Craft, who hopefully got his bad game out of the way, and Scott (better than Burke!) start feeding Buckets down low.

Buckets goes for minimum 26 tonight. BOOK IT!

This coming Mondays comments will be jammed full of Final Four, OSU, zombies and dragons. New posting record?


Brady said...

The Royals? These are the same Royals that play in KC right? If they finish above the Tribe with our new and improved team, I will buy myself some ribs.

We certainly need to have a stellar year on the mound to have any shot. Masterson needs to return to 2011 form and Ubaldo has to stop throwing meatballs. Myers had an awful spring but that really doesn't mean anything (that's what I'm telling myself). McCallister is a proven innings eater and maybe, just maybe, Kazmir becomes the pitcher he once was. That's a lot of if's but our new lineup should win some of those close games with the sticks.

Our new lineup is fucking light years better than last year. The Tribe has been a first half first place team the last two seasons with garbage on the field. I have faith with this new team.

We definitely have a shot at the wild card and maybe the division. The tigers don't scare me. I picked Verlander on my fantasy team last night so that means he will definitely have a down year.

Tom Hamilton on the radio is the shit.

GMoney said...

The NBA Lockout Arrest Fantasy Draft is still #1 with well over 80 comments. That was a great day. Prime drafted DeMarcus #1 overall while my first round pick was questioned for child pornography last year.

Jeff said...

The Sox will not finish last in the bEAST. Lester has had a great spring so we can already give him the Cy Young, HA. Farrell will have the pitching staph much improved from last year and the pen should be solid. Napoli rakes at Fenway and you will all see Jackie Bradley's ELITEness at some point this year. Hoping for the best, but def not expecting much in a loaded division, but I think the O's get back to their rightful place of being bottom bitches.

The over under on Yankees starters to have career ending injuries this season is 2.5, you are OLDDDD.

The tribecakes will have a solid year, but cannot compete with the ELITES of the AL.

GMoney said...

Tom Hamilton on the radio is shit. Tom Hamilton doing Bedford Nissan commercials is just as shitty.

How is Zack McCallister a proven anything??? He's pitched in about 8 games in the bigs.

The Royals have better pitching and their sticks are just as solid although they have a lot to prove. Plus their light blue unis are the bee's knees.

GMoney said...

The pitchers or the position players, Jeff? Because our pitching from beginning to end of games is quite ELITE. God knows we're going to rely heavily on it this year.

I'd like to think that we're about done with injuries. Just getting them out of the way now. Although I wouldn't be upset if Brennan Boesch was stabbed or Vernon Wells was in Cory Lidle's plane.

Bill Wennington said...

Bring back the Expos.

Prime99 said...

I loved the lockout criminal draft. I had many players groomed by Coach Cal. My team was awesome.

I think the journalist asked Pablo if he and/or the team was concerned with his weight. He apparently answered with "I'm not going to worry about it for two more years because I hit 3 jacks off Verlander and the Tigers in game 1 of the World Series. I own Verlander and will continue to stick my fat, chode dick in his poophole. I do not need to lose weight to do that."

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

Anonymous said...

Brady- if you're not afraid of the tigers, why did you say the windians have a shot at the wildcard instead of the division? I think you're scared of the team with the best hitter and pitcher in baseball...

Next week is shaping up to be solid with the tigers beginning their wire to wire domination of the central and the buckeyes preparing for the final four.

I'm almost caught up on zombies! I watched episode 12 of season 3 called the clear a few nights ago. (The episode with just Rick, his boy, and the black woman). I thought it was boring and awful... I logged on here and you all loved it. You know nothing.

I finally feel like a real person after Sunday's debauchery... To go along with Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Sign me up for Betty ford please.


Anonymous said...

The Tribe has spent more days in first place than any other team in the division the last 2 years. As Lou Brown once said, "Now we just need something to bring it all together."

Tom Hamilton is fucking awesome.

Buckets will be raining buckets from everywhere tonight.


The Iceman said...

"We definitely have a shot at the wild card and maybe the division. The tigers don't scare me"

YEAH!! That's the TribeCakes I know and love!!! More please.

Random baseball fun fact. There is a pitcher in the majors...well, probably minors now, named Adam Russell. I know he pitched for the Indians one year so he must be a no name, terrible player. Well, I dated his sister for about 6 months. I broke up with her because she is clinically insane and she stalked me to the point where I had to move and change my phone number.

The Iceman said...

Bill Wennington rules.

GMoney said...

Wait a minute, Bill, I was under the impression that all normal Canucks hated the province of Quebec due to their asshole French ways.

"Clear" was quite good because everyone was waiting for Morgan to come back and he was quite insane in his return. Apparently, we might not be done seeing him which is great news.

If the Tribe has a shot at the division (which I am not opposed to) then that means that the Tigers will miss the playoffs (which I am also rooting for). CLE's ceiling is probably about 86-88 wins. If that wins the Central then I will be very pleased if I can ever stop LOL-ing at the Tigers.

That's not going to happen though.

Brady said...

Don't faltter yourself, Iceman. I'm sure you were the one stalking her. They don't call you "hey you in the bushes" for nothing!

Dut, I did say we have a shot at the wildcard and maybe the division. I didn't say who we might be chasing. Maybe it was the Royals I was talking about. According to G$, they are the next big thing!

Mark my words, Zach McAllister will be good this year. After the spring Myers had, he should probably be in the 3 spot.

How can anyone not love Tom Hamilton? He is brash, excitable and the biggest homer on the planet. He tells it like it is and doesn't care what people think. That's what I'm looking for in my radio guy.

GMoney said...

He's worse than Ron Santo (present day) and NO ONE liked Santo. Note: the opinion of Cubs fans does not matter (see today's picture).

The Iceman said...

What Brady is looking for in a radio guy:

Must be a homer
Strong genitals
Hands of a log cutter
Alcoholic with a mean backhand
Generous lover
IQ lower than paint
Dragon breath

I was hoping this McAllister fella's first name would be Kevin...

GMoney said...

Fuck you, Iceman, Buzz was the superior McCallister! Eating all the cheese pizza was terrific trolling.

Ace said...

I like how the White Sox aren't getting discussed at all this year. Just how we like it. Our manager can take more old man headlock upper cuts than anybody ever. By my tally, that puts us at 87 wins. Paul Konerko is a winner. That's all that matters.

Who was the last team to win a title from the AL Central? Fuck all yalls.

Why did sports teams spell their name "Sox" instead of "Socks"? After a quick google search, apparently it was short for stockings. You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

I thought it was because the blacks from the southside and the micks from Southie we're illiterate.


Ace said...

"we're illiterate"

Ha. Grammared.

Anonymous said...

BREAKING NEWS: A new all sports radio FM station is starting in Columbus and G$s old flame doucher THE TORG is headlining one of the shows. That fag is back in Columbus.


Anonymous said...

Not breaking, this was made hours ago on Facebook by Torg himself. But it's cute watching you catch up on your own.

Damn autocorrect.


Anonymous said...'s cute your gay ass is on Facebook....say hello to all your friends children for me!


GMoney said...

A new FM sports station in Columbus, eh? Will this be affiliated with CBS, NBC, or Fox? I would love to have The Dan Patrick Show on here.

No one will listen to Torg. Common Man is far superior (although T-Bone is terrible).

Mark Jackson said...

After thinking about Little Struff's concerns for this evening's contests, I must say that he has nothing to worry about. LEMPH means nothing without STREMPH. You may lose a few rebound battles but as long as you keep sharpshooter Nick Johnson in check, you will be fine. As I always say, hand down/MAN DOWN.

Anonymous said...



GMoney said...

That's all fine and good, Drew, but do they offer good insurance to their employees AS WELL AS drunken trips to Lambeau Field???

Brady said...

I've listened to the Common Man the last two drives down to Columbus when my WKNR stream fizzled on 315. He is not good.

GMoney said...

Agree that you're wrong.

Anonymous said...

"Death is a part of baseball" "Yeah, it the most important part!"

Go Bucks!!

Anonymous said...


Mr. Ace said...

I do really enjoy Common Man. I always thought he was far superior than The Torg. But he really needs somebody else with him. He is carrying that show on his back and I don't know if he will be able to make it through the summer. Where do I apply?