Friday, March 15, 2013

Here's Some Free March Madness Advice For You

Feels relevant
By now, all of the conference tournaments have begun which means that we are officially onto the greatest two weeks of the year. While were all disappointed that the RedHawks’ season has commenced with another painful 9 win campaign, there are other teams out there. I don’t claim to be a college hoops expert (although our preview post with Drew and Seal was actually really good despite the NC State love which we all fell for and they are the actual most OVERRATED team this year), I do think that I have some good advice to offer when it comes to having a successful bracket*.

*By the way, The Nut Pool or whatever it is called that is run by Damman is back again. If you are in it, you know how great it is. If you are not, sorry about your luck because for the first time ever a person running a pool is capping how many people are allowed in it. That’s a bold strategy. Maybe there is a slot or two still open and he can announce that in the comments.

Anyway, every dickhead with a microphone in front of them absolutely loves to hear themselves say that this year is a wide open tournament field and there are 12 to a thousand teams that can win it all. Don’t be obtuse, Warden. There are only five teams with the cajones to win 6 straight road games against the best of the best. Today, I’m going to drop those teams on you like a big old hunk of space poopy (good Joe Dirt reference, son). But first, we need to classify 33 teams that will (likely) be dancing just so we know who we can and can’t trust.

FIRST ROUND SLEEPERS!
LIU Brooklyn – I don’t know shit about the Blackbirds other than their name, but this will be their third straight trip to the dance and experience can get you a W in March.
Valparaiso – Just a bunch of 7 footers that stroke the three and are coached by Bryce Drew.

IF YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT, DO NOT COMMIT!
Gonzaga – It’s hard to get a feel for a team that we’ve all watched maybe twice all year. I do know that their bigs are terrific but the guards are not. I could see them losing in the second round or going to the Final Four based on the match-up. Your best bet would probably be to hedge and have them lose in the sweet 16.
New Mexico – I know nothing other than Steve Alford is an asshole.
Memphis – If they’re anything like all the other Tiger teams, they are dumb as fuck and shoot free throws terribly.
Colorado State – I know that they rebound like whoa and feature former Gopher and always repulsive to look at it, Colton Iverson. That’s about it.

THOSE THAT WILL OVERACHIEVE
St. Louis – They won the underrated A-10 out right and are playing for the memory of their dead fat ass coach. Put them down for two wins no matter what.
Arizona – They’ve slid a bit but Sean Miller is still fantastic and won’t be upset early.
Wisconsin – Cocksuckers like Bo Ryan and his Klan don’t leave the tournament without taking a heavyweight out first.
VCU – I would not be surprised if they made the Final Four. AT ALL. I would be shocked if they lost in their first game.
St. Mary’s – They fucking crushed a pretty good Creighton team with a well-rounded team. This is probably their last hurrah as that LOIC hammer just came down.
Butler – If you pick them to lose before the second weekend, why even fill out a bracket?
North Carolina and Kentucky – I put them together because most think that they blow but they still have more talent and better coaching than 90% of the other teams. I like both to win at least one game.

OVERRATED/OVERSEEDED
Louisville – They just don’t score enough consistently. And I hate Peyton Siva.
Pittsburgh – LOL, if you pick a Jamie Dixon-coached team past the first game then you deserve to be lobotomized.
Miami – They are on very, very shaky ground right now.
Oklahoma State – Marcus Smart is ELITE but it’s hard to trust a freshman in March and the rest of that team is not very good.
Marquette – Those light blue uniforms are just awful and you have to hate a school that produced Whine Or Wheelchair.

IF YOU’RE A SUCKER, YOU WILL LIKE THESE TEAMS TOO MUCH
Georgetown – Don’t believe the hype; JT3’s teams almost always choke.
Michigan – I just don’t like their style of play and the over-reliance on “Hero Ball”. I can’t see them winning 4 straight road games. I could go for some more “LOL Mitch McGary” moments though.
Kansas State – You do know that Bruce Weber is their coach, right?
Florida – As has been said a lot here, the Gators don’t win outside of Gainesville.
Syracuse – This is a pretty flawed team.
UCLA – They are either a Final Four team or will lose by 20 to an 11 seed.
Creighton – People like Grumpy will love the Jays but I don’t. Their guards are terrible and the first team that they play with any athletic ability will run them off the floor. Don’t fall for Doug McDermott’s charm.
Notre Dame – Two years ago, I picked the Irish to win the title. I am not smart.
Oregon – Yeah, no. I don’t care who they play in the first game, I’m picking the upset.

THE FIVE TRUE CONTENDERS
Indiana – They aren’t playing all that great at the moment but this is still the most talented team in the country and are very well-balanced. And when they make it to Atlanta, you know damn well that The BRAHs will be front and center.
Duke – Apparently, this team will never lose as long as Gorgon Kelly is out there being all ugly. So unless you know that he’s getting hurt, you should probably put them into the championship game.
Kansas – McLemore and Withey are studs. I don’t think that they will be running into TCU during the tournament so they should be fine there.
Ohio Buckeyes – Even the haters out there have to acknowledge that this team is going to be tough to get rid of. I don’t think that they can win it all, but I like them to go to ATL.
Michigan State – It’s almost annoying that Sparty is always playing their best basketball in March. As long as Luke Appling isn’t asked to do anything other than dribble the ball up the floor, they should make a deep run.

That means that I will likely have two 1s, a 2, and 2 3s or some sort of variation of four of those five teams in my Final Four. I don’t really fill out any brackets any more but if I did, and depending on who is in what bracket, I’m picking at least three of these four to make it to Atlanta. Like I said, this isn’t that hard. It’s March Madness where the cream almost always rises to the top. Just remember that I actually have money on the Ohio Buckeyes winning the tournament this year unlike all of you FAKE FANS!!!

Enjoy conference tournament weekend, everyone, and remember that She$ is out of town this weekend so I’m free for some debauchery (casino? Everclear is playing there for free tonight). Text it!

58 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great pic of Psycho T.

Are you saying that you looked back on the preview and it was mostly right? My Marcus Smart prediction was ELITE.

I think Duke and Indiana are kind of on their own level....but, I don't think Crean is a very good gameday coach so I'm not sure he can lead them to a title.

It will be about matchups moreso than ever for the Buckeyes. If we play smaller teams that allow us to run with the dominating small ball lineup that we have been rolling with....we could make some noise.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

McDermott is Wally lite. I like that.

Gonzaga, Creighton and Butler all in the Final Four.

GMoney said...

Grump pops many Extenze for the mid-majors. I like VCU more than Creighton and Butler though.

From what I remember, you both did well. But all the arguing about who is the most OVERRATED was pointless because the answer to that was the Wolfpack.

Is it possible for Minnesota to get snubbed? I feel like they should. If you can't win a game in your conference tournament, you should be NIT bound.

How about the end of that Charlotte/Richmond game yesterday? MAJOR LULZ!

GMoney said...

Also a reminder that...

RIBFEST IS ONE WEEK FROM TOMORROW.

Can I start to get a head count so I can give Barley's an accurate reservation for the Tenor Party.

Grumpy said...

In for Ribfest. Do we have an approximate time?

Anonymous said...

The Nut Pool has reached it's limit of 20 people. It's too much too handle for more than that since its all do manually.

I'm in for Barley's.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Oh wow, AAU girls basketball is getting trumped by BBQ!

Fantasy draft is at 2 and that takes roughly 2.5 hours. Let's try to sit down at 6 and can hang out at the bar before eating if need be. Fair?

Nate said...

Hansborough looks like an extra on TWD.

Anonymous said...

Duke is winning it all. (reverse jinx)

Im still holding tight on 3 of my 4 final predictions... Indiana, Florida, and Arizona. Dont ask who the 4th was.

Dont ever say Jeff Withey is a stud again.

I agree with most of your post - but I would take OSU out of the Elite teams and put in Louisville. Pitino is just too good of a tournament coach, and that team has some good tourny experience. Even though I fucking hate Peyton Siva as well.

Seal

Ace said...

In for Barleys. How about we eat at 6 and then can go hit up the bars after that. Its state basketball weekend and the Good boys are in town. Woooooooooo!

I don't have a problem with anything you posted. I have said that I think tourney play will favor Michigan. But if we match up with a big team that can bang the boards then we could be in trouble.

Fuckeyes are not elite. Too questionable when it comes to scoring. And again, tournament basketball won't be nearly as physical.

I can't remember all the mid-major teams that I called out as being one win teams in the tourney back at the beginning of the year, and can't look them up right now, but from what I do remember I will be right.

Brady said...

Barleys at 6 then? Sounds like a plan to me.

Prime99 said...

I would totally go to see Everclear for free and attend Ribfest if Grumpy would book that private jet he mentioned last year.

I'm in the Nut Pool and I'm ready to see what all the fuss is about- should be a gay ol' time!

GMoney said...

Withey is a stud! He is representing our great race very well.

Actually, let's put together a first team all-white guys team. Craft, McDermott, and Withey are locks. Wait, Zeller would probably get the nod over Withey, wouldn't he? Christ, who are our wing players though? That guard from South Dakota State was really good the other night when I watched the Summit championship but I forget his name. We could stick LOL Mitch McGary on the team for comedy relief. We will not include a Plumlee out of spite.

Ape, advertising the Good Boyz isn't helping us get excited but I agree that a good bar for March Madness feels like the right plan while mud butt sets in.

Don't be late, Brady, Ribfest is run on Tom Coughlin time. If you're 10 minutes early, you're late.

Brady said...

I won't be late. Planning on going to Columbus the night before.

Was Perd Hapley giving ET 1.5 stars the greatest thing ever? Parks and Rec is the only thing keeping NBC alive at this point.

Fuck the Dominican Republic and all of their horn blowing fans by the way.

Anonymous said...

In for Barleys? In for Barleys.

Unfortunately, I gave up fried food for lent, so the sauerkraut balls are out, but the smoked wings are in.

Ide

Jeff said...

Good post. Agree with you on VCU. The A-10 has some legit tourny teams.

Oh you know I'm in for the draft and ribfest.

Grump, will you propose a bet before next weekend so we have the chance at free ribs again?

GMoney said...

Perd did not find E.T. to be realistic. Ya Herd! Jerry stumbling on his words because no one ever lets him talk that long was terrific. Ron Swanson's AMA on Reddit this week was also amazing.

NBC is awful but I'm a sucker for Todd Packer.

GMoney said...

By the way, I successfully predicted that the MUDawg's would sign Steven Jackson. EAT MY SHIT!

Jeff said...

Too bad running backs will be obsolete when they put the lowering your head rule into effect.

Future NFL = 7 on 7

Grumpy said...

Prime, I can only afford the charter to get you to Vegas. You're on your own from there.

I will bet Brady is coming the night before to use Dut's glory hole.

The Iceman said...

"Don’t be obtuse, Warden"

The best part of this post.

I love how G$ blasts Michigan because they can't win on the road, but puts Kansas as a title contender after getting their dicks caved in by three horrible teams on the road. At least Michigan's bad road losses weren't by 20 points to football schools. I'm not saying Michigan wins it all but if you honestly think Kansas has a shot then so do the Wolverines.

I'm in for RibFest and I'm putting $10 on BradyCakes not showing.

Anonymous said...

Something humors me about Ide giving up things for Lent.

Put Withey over Zeller. Zeller somehow hasn't improved from last year and he lost on his home floor to the awful big.man duo of Ravenel/Amir.

I should be there for ribs...I have a baseball draft in the afternoon...if I'm late I'll drink my dinner.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I will be there for Barley's BUT will be with some non G$ readers since a crowd of us will be in town for the tourny in Dayton. The non readers are obviously not welcome at the G$ table, as I have told them. So I will prob eat with them, then drink with you guys. But myself, Rosie, and J from JBeanie will be there.

Seal

Brady said...

I'll take your ten dollar bet, Ice. I'm heading down the night before to hang with friends so I'll already be in town. Plus, I've already got Barley's saved in my GPS. Count it!

GMoney said...

“That’s a party platter. It serves 12.”
“I know what I’m about, son.”

Drew says Withey over Zeller which makes it official. Although we may need Zeller to play the 3.

I like Kansas because of their makeup and that Bill Self has went from Chokemaster General to ELITE coach. Michigan still has a lot to prove to me beyond getting revenge on Penn State yesterday.

Grump, the glory hole is no more because Dut is an asshole.

I'll just call in a res for 12 like I did last year probably. They can DEAL WITH IT.

aCe said...

We don't take kindly to outsiders. We will have to give them the HarBRAH treatment.

Are we meeting anywhere for the fantasy baseball draft? Like we did with the Stube last year?

Ace said...

Nik Stauskas can make it rain from Canada for the all whitey team. But there has to be some whaller(BOOM) from a mid-major out there.

GMoney said...

Yes, draft will be at The Stube if you can make it.

The Iceman said...

Fun fact about RibFest last year. Wheels was there and you guys probably didn't even know. It's because OUTSIDERS ARE NOT ALLOWED!!

She still gives me shit about the ELITE ignore job I pulled on the people I showed up with last year. I just tell her she needs to be more like Lattimer and earn a place at the table.

Jeff said...

A picture of HINES got a spot at the table, but not wheels! LOLZ

The Iceman said...

3/4ths of Wisconsin's roster can act as the reserves for the all white team. Of course Bo Ryan HAS to be the coach.

Anonymous said...

Wheelz being excluded is every ALL CAPS SUPERLATIVE! This year should be a real hoot. Is Dut not coming? I hope dut doesn't make it.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Hey Grumpy,

Did you already have your wife pick out your outfit for ribfest for you?

Seal

Prime99 said...

The only time I ever regret not living in Ohio is for March Ribfest.

Seal has been lighting Grumpy up this week.

GMoney said...

Last year it was in February, jerk!

I believe that Dut is at the Big Ten tourney in Chicago right now but I am confident that he will be there deep-throating bones like his uncle taught him.

I saw Wheelz there last year but figured that if her asshole man wasn't going to introduce everyone, I sure as shit am not making the effort. Funny story: at the Nap/Defi football game, I went up to Iceman at halftime to talk about how terrible Defi was and his fiance is literally sitting right there as we spoke. He made no introduction. Chivalry is his strong suit.

Either he doesn't want Wheelz to know who makes him work every Monday night for nothing or he is afraid that she will be attracted to my raw sex appeal like so many women before her. Probably both.

Anonymous said...

Today is apparently the Ides of March. I have an entire day devoted to me and the killing of some asshole named after a salad.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Ten dollars Brady goes to the wrong Barley's.

Iceman is a real asshole.

GMoney said...

Because it needs to be said here...

What adidas is making some of these teams wear this week is a fucking embarrassment to everything.

Brady said...

Shit! There are multiple Barley's? Somebody needs to give me the correct address. I can't handle another year of half-birthday jokes.

Anonymous said...

I like grumpy, I just fucking hate Steelers fans. If that makes any sense.

Seal

Anonymous said...

467 N High St Columbus, OH 43215

GMoney said...

Brady, go to Grandview. Don't go downtown. If you reach the Short North, say hi to Drew.

As said esrlier, if anyone is in the mood for day-drinkin' and watching the tournament games, I'll be at The Stube (9th and High St) from about 1:30 until ribs with a bunch of the other assholes that show up around here. $1.75 Yuengling pints and all the vomit smell that you can handle. Free wi-fi though!

GMoney said...

Christ, that is not the correct address. Someone is trollin' you good.

The Iceman said...

I didn't introduce her to G$ because I'm ashamed of my Internet friends. Outside of Grumpy. I have to be nice to the guy who will possibly be walking my future wife down the isle to "Space Lord" by Monster Magnet. My low point would be if Wheelz and Ide were ever introduced.

BradyCakes is already setting up an exit RibFest strategy. He is TOTES gonna owe me $10.

Brady said...

Fuck that noise, Ice. I may show up to the Stube and get my day drink on. I can't wait to collect my $10 from you.

Is 1130 Dublin Rd. correct? I guess it wouldn't matter if I show up to the Stube. Unless you guys would lie straight to my face about where the correct Barley's locations is. Damn, you guys would TOTES lie straight to my face.

The Iceman said...

All I know is that it's the Barley's in Grandview, BradyCakes. My buddy lives right around the corner from that joint and I hope he's looking forward to me throwing up in his toilet later that night. And by toilet I mean bed.

Prime99 said...

BradyCakes missing Ribfest would be epic. I'm certain he will be there, though.

Grumpy offering me a private jet to Vegas like that would be a punishment. I'd hang there for sure.

Brady said...

OK. I have it locked in. I WILL be at the correct Barley's location... maybe even the Stube earlier. Depends on how much I drink the night before with my sister.

I want a crisp $10 bill when I arrive, Ice.

Anonymous said...

I was the one who led him afoul with that ELITE downtown location.

I can't wait to meet Wheelz. Pencil me in as a strong maybe to that wedding of yours. I'm going to bring the shoddiest piece of ass Maumee has to offer. Better make that a +1.

Ide

GMoney said...

GO BADGERS! TREY BURKE SUCKS!

The Iceman said...

"I'm going to bring the shoddiest piece of ass Maumee has to offer. Better make that a +1."

No possible way your date would beat Tonya showing up with JRupe.

Anonymous said...

Is someone going to bring a lap pillow for Ide to lay his head on at some point during RibFest?

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't be against it.

The Iceman said...

"Is someone going to bring a lap pillow for Ide to lay his head on at some point during RibFest?"

How are you going to bring the heat so hared and not claim this? Sad...

Anonymous said...

My prediction of um not getting to the B10 semis and not making the sweet 16, looking good. Trey Burke is terrible. G$-great analysis

Go Bucks!!

Buke

GMoney said...

Badgers. Trey Burke Sucks.

Anonymous said...

I'd feel bad for UM fans if it weren't so goddamned hilarious.

Ide

GMoney said...

As Drew just texted me, "5-6 in their last 11 games". BUNCH OF CLOWN FRAUDS! They should be a 16 seed.