Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Grab Bag and Grab Ass...Mostly Grab Bag, Though


Not pictured: Henderson holding that guy in the red's boner.



Bear with me as I continue to put my fucking brain back together after Saturday.  For those of you who missed my comment yesterday, it bears repeating that it is confirmed I took at least 10 shots of rumplemintz Saturday night.  That sentence could make panhandling bums hurl.  I'm officially banning that fucking garbage from any future drinking social.  Anyway, once again there will be a little something for everyone today as Grumpy continues to lick his wounds over me not introducing him to my "other friends".  I can't wait until August 10th so I can not introduce him to more people he doesn't really want to know.  EXCEPT, my mother.  Hoooooo boy is that introduction for sure happening!  He'll never ask me to meet another person I know for the rest of our miserable lives after 5 minutes in the same room with that woman.  Make sure you all get a good seat for that one.  Let's dive in.

Jut Verlander - Hey look!  It's baseball!  Word on the street is that G$'s fantasy baseball boyfriend HungryManDinnerLander is looking for a new long term deal right now with Detroit before his current contract has expired.  Claims he likes it there and wants to stay.  Who fucking knows why.  I've been to Detroit more times than I care to admit.  It's fucking awful there.  So with 2 years remaining on his current deal and neither side wanting to contract talk during the regular season, my only question is this.  What the fuck is the holdup?  Seriously.  I'm curious.  Maybe I just don't know baseball and there's more to this story than I can see.  But am I wrong to think the Tigers are stupid as shit for not getting this deal done A fucking SAP?  Love or hate OldMilwaukeeInTheRedCanLander, there is no denying that he has been the most dominant pitcher for at least the last 2 seasons.  Maybe more than that if I cared enough about baseball to research it.  Rest assured, I do not.  What if SkoalStraightFineCutLander goes out and wins 20 games this year?  Which he probably will.  Market price goes up, right?  So when you have the best pitcher in baseball willing to interlock fingers and walk around the Henry County Fair with you for the next 7 years, why drag your feet and flirt with having to pay more two years later?  No matter what you end up paying him it'll be worth it considering he's hitting his prime right now, am I right?  It just doesn't make sense to me and just another thing that makes baseball a sport for dildos.

Evil Dead - Holy fucking fuck fuck!  If you haven't seen the trailer for this movie yet.  Stop right now and watch it.  Shit...I'll even link it right here for you.  Fucking incredible, right?!  I can't remember the last time I was this pumped for a movie.  Probably new Batman.  Okay...definitely new Batman.  Now I LOVED the original Evil Dead and I'll be the first person to admit that it's not for everyone.  It's cheesy as fuck 80's horror that was done very, very poorly.  But that's part of why I like it so much.  It's terribly awesome and so low budget to the point where it's great.  Plus Bruce Campbell or GTFO.  Seriously...if you dislike Bruce Campbell you are a fucking useless twat.  He's fantastic in everything he does all the way down to his Old Spice commercials.  But here's the thing...this new Evil Dead movie IS made for everyone to love.  Except hipster faggots who can't love anything that is even a little bit popular.  Those dick wads will find some way to hate on this movie in the hardest most aggressive fashion when there is no possible way this movie will suck.

Anthony Adams announces his retirement - I'm not gonna pretend I know who this cat is.  I don't.  Shit.  Prime is a Bears fan and probably doesn't recognize the name.  The only reason I'm even talking about him is because of his awesome retirement video that just came out.  It's pretty fantastic.  I'm a sucker for below average NFL players making fun of themselves in videos like these...especially when they're filling out applications to White Castle at the end of it.

Marshall Henderson continues to be a fuck - So after Ole Miss blew it against LaSalle, Marshall Henderson did the Marshall Henderson thing and double birded the crowd in his glorious exit.  Later when asked why he did it by a reporter, Henderson replied with "someone called my sister a whore and said something about cocaine." which is TREMENDOUS, by the way.  Big fucking salute to whoever that was.  If ever a slime ball shit head deserved to hear awful (most likely true) shit about his sister, it's this dick smack.  Henderson is the worst kind of shit talker.  Just flaps his cunt constantly and feels like he can do and say what the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants.  But the minute someone slams him good with a dig like calling his sister a dirty whore, he can't handle it and acts like a childish fucking brat.  Hey asshole!  If you can't handle people saying terrible things to you then stop acting like a shit stain in public!  I want to find out who said that to Henderson and drink rumplemintz with this mystery man until we throw up in my brother's front yard.

Kellen Winslow is delusional - Prime was nice enough to inform me via Twitter that Kellen Winslow plans on catching 100 balls this season according to his own Twitter account.  I couldn't resist.  Let the Kellen Winslow trolling begin.  With gems like this and Amanda Bynes publicly stating she wants Drake to murder her vagina...how does G$ continue to shun Twitter?  At this point you're only hurting yourself, man.

Tubby Smith has been fired - WUT??  The set of gonads on Norwood Teague!  I'm sorry...am I missing something here?  Tubs brings your program back to a level of respectability after the program was terrible and blown the fuck up and this is how you repay him?  I'm sure it can't be easy to convince high profile high school basketball players to fight through the depression of Minnesota winters for the next four years but Smiff seemed to do it with relative ease.  Okay...maybe not high profile but good enough players to compete at a pretty good level.  The rumor circulating is that Teague, formerly of VCU, is targeting Shaka Smart as the new head coach.  Only problem is...so is every fucking one else on the planet.  Including apparent hard interest from teams like USC and UCLA.  Ha!  Can I please be in the room when Teague makes the phone call attempting to talk Smart out of Southern California for the barren wasteland of Minnesota?  It would be so LOLZ.  No chance, anus.

That should be enough to keep you trolls busy today.  Ide promised me free access to HBO so I could start watching Game Of Thrones.  Naturally he never gave me the info I needed like he promised.  Total Ide move.  Not that has anything to do with today, I just wanted to make sure everyone was clear that Jeff is no longer the worst and Ide has an iron death grip on that honor.  Now go watch that Evil Dead clip again.

32 comments:

Grumpy said...

I've seen the Evil Dead trailer and I'm in for that. Senior Wednesday at the local multiplex.

Next year I'm getting a motel room and doing Ribfest from start to Iceman barfing.

After Aug. 10 your mother and I will be Facebook buds.

MUDawgfan said...

GAME OF THRONES IS BACK THIS SUNDAY MOTHERFUCKERS!

GMoney said...

By introducing Grumpy to IceMa, you are ensuring two collapsed marriages and a torrid love affair. I just hurled.

About Jut - It sounds like an easy decision for Tigers brass until you realize that Jut wants to be the first ever 200 million dollar pitcher (no one else has come even close to that) and giving big money and big years to pitchers is historically a terrible idea. If he truly wants to be in Detroit for life (LOL no one does) then he's going to have to think more in the range of 125 to get that done. You can still suck the cock of Frank Viola Jr with that kind of money.

That said, I hope I finished dead last year because Jut blew out every muscle in his hillbilly body.

About Harriet Tub-man - Yeah, Minnesota seems to have some hilarious self-esteem where they all of a sudden think that they are ELITE. They better fucking get Shaka otherwise what was the point of firing a really good coach coming off a pretty good season? It's not like that state is ripe with basketball talent. I have more of a Tub Chub than most because I think he's great but that was dumb.

Dickford Vitale was on Greenberg & Cowherd this morning (so bad) and said that UCLA was a shit job because all of those fans are still living in the Wooden years and there are too many other options for entertainment in LA (plus they don't pay big money). He actually sounded sane.

Jut Verlander owns property in Goosetown.

Jeff said...

Minny better have already come terms with Shaka Khan or Brad Stevens before firing Tubs. Them thinking that they're an ELITE job and people will want to come there is hilarious especially when their football program employs Jerry Kill's corpse.

Anonymous said...

Im glad everyone else agrees with the Tubby firing - when it happened, I thought I had missed something in the story. You are Minnesota and somewhat relevant for the first time in FOREVER. Tubby actually had this team ranked in the top 10 at one point this year. His type of play and recruiting fit in very well in the Big Ten as well. Stupid move.

LOL at paying someone 200 million dollars who plays once a week. The Tigers would do that.

Seal

GMoney said...

I watched Minnesota in the 1997 Final Four (they were a ONE seed!) but that was a loooooooong time ago. What a loaded final four that was:

UNC with Vince Carter and Jamison
Minnesota with Bobby Jackson
Arizona with Bibby and Jason Terry and OBVZ Miles Simon
Kentucka with Ron Mercer, Nazi Mohammed, Jamaal Magloire, and Derek Anderson (always one of my faves)

The Iceman said...

Jesus. Grumpy thinks he's soooooo hilarious and thinks he's trolling me hard by being FB friends with my mother. I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU, MAN!

Just because JRupeLander wants 200 mil doesn't mean that's what will happen. I'm sure they'll have to fork out something to the tune of the 175 that Felix Hernandez was just paid but isn't it worth it? I mean...someone else will pay that for his services, right? For a team that apparently has pretty deep pockets and in a position to win a World Series in the next few years, I would think that contract extension would happen sooner rather than later. But I've talked enough baseball for the next 6 months.

I wonder how Seal feels about Tubbers. Better question...I wonder how Seal feels about Tubbers terrible excuse for a PG son, Saul. Everything about that kid was terrible and remains to be terrible.

Anonymous said...

Im actually NOT a big Tubby fan, but thought the Minnesota job fit him well. He is NOT a powerhouse team coach (UK, Duke, UNC, etc). He also had his lone national title served to him on a platter from Mr. Pitino himself. Do not forget that he won that championship in his first year with all of Pitino's kids.

Saul is the fucking worst. He was there when I was at UK - of couse I was there when they absolutely blew. More of the reason I dont like Tubby.

How stacked were those UK teams from '96 and '97? Would have been 3 titles in a row if it wasnt for Miles fucking Simon.

Seal

Ace said...

Bobby Jackson. I used to love that guy.

Iceman, set up a meeting with Grumpy but just send your mom instead. Preferably with her camera to capture his reaction.

You should never pay that much for a pitcher. I don't care if it is Pedro VerlanderJohnson in his prime, not worth it.

Who the hell takes shots of rumplemintz? Seriously.

Evil Dead looks awesome, and I have been following it for about a year now. After the first screening it was given an NC-17 rating so they had to cut some stuff...they better not have cut tree rape. Hopefully this will revive the stale horror genre. Probably not.

Firing Tubby is hilarious. They are going to bring in Dakich.

I still have nothing but love for Marshall Henderson.

GMoney said...

Seal seems like more of a Patrick Sparks guy who I hated ten times more than Marshall Henderson. Was there any doubt that Hendu would be wearing a plain white, flat-billed hat?

LOL Tigers being in position to win a World Series. They're terrible. The pockets are deeper than most but they aren't THAT deep where you just give a guy who pitches with a coon-skin cap on whatever he wants.

Prime99 said...

For a guy that makes fun of whiskey drinkers, rumplemintz sure sounds pretty gay. I don't even know what it is, but I'm assuming it is peppermint Schnapp's. Stop bragging about taking many terrible shots, grow up, and drink a man's drink for Bruce Campbell's sake!

The Evil Dead does look fucking crazy. Much more serious than the awesome original.

The Anthony Adams video is fantastic. He won't be missed on the field but at least he's good at making fun of himself.

I think trolling Kellen Winslow and/or Marshall Henderson on twitter is fantastic. I'm pretty sure we could make one or both of them lose it.

Minnesota is so stupid to fire Tubby. I hope they enjoy going back to being the bottom-feeders of the B1G.

Grumpy said...

That's just crazy firing your coach after he takes your team to the Dance. Bad weather, bad facilities.

Prime99 said...

G$, I also have Jut Verlander on my fantasy team (keeper league.) I'm not happy about this, but it was the right move in the draft. Time to dew the Dew and get ready for baseball season!

The Iceman said...

"they better not have cut tree rape"

I said the exact same thing. Very important part of the movie.

God...I TOTES forgot to look up Marshall Henderson on Twitter. He shall be my next victim because he would for sure crack under the trolling pressure.

Listen...It's not like I'm actively buying Rumplemintz for myself. I don't have 30 bottle of the shit stashed in a secret liquor cabinet at home. Someone throws liquor in front of me and I'll drink it. Especially if it's free. Probably why I've been barfing a lot lately. Good thing I have Prime to school me on the do's and don't's of alcohol consumption.

GMoney said...

Probably why I've been barfing a lot lately. Good thing I have Prime to school me on the do's and don't's of alcohol consumption.

1. It doesn't help that you have been thinking about Grump porking your mother.
2. All that FacePriming pays off.

"The Barn" is a total turd of a building. No decent player would ever want to play there.

GMoney said...

For some stupid fucking reason, Grumpy is wishing every celebrity to ever live a happy birthday on FB today. GET A JOB!

Anonymous said...

I, too, have been following Evil Dead, and fuck that noise. If by chance they screen the NC17 version here at IFC or wherever, then I am TOTES down. But, I won't be spending money to see some version that the studio had chopped to hell and back.

They did the same thing with the original, and the director told the MPAA to go fuck themselves and released it unrated. I want that to happen or I will wait for the directors cut. No point in seeing an incomplete project.

I really don't remember telling Iceman about HBOGo, but that is totally something I would do. So, I obliged. Enjoy GoT, and be ready to talk dragons on Monday.

Fun fact, Ace making the joke about me at Woodlands made zero sense to me until I saw my bank statement and realized that I was, indeed, at Woodlands. I drank like a champion both days, and didn't pass out once, I consider myself redeemed.

Ide

The Iceman said...

If by drank like a champ you mean sucked down PBR's and eye fucked fat girls at the punch machine then I agree.

The Iceman said...

And I don't know what Dut is crying about with the prove your not a robot thing. I haven't had to do that in 2 weeks when commenting from anywhere.

Anonymous said...

Verlander deserves GOAT money. The Tigers will get him signed.

--Drew

Brady said...

"I watched Minnesota in the 1997 Final Four (they were a ONE seed!) but that was a loooooooong time ago. What a loaded final four that was"

That was my favorite Final Four as well! Mostly because I watched as a 16 year old drinking Red Stripes and stoned as fuck from Margaritaville in Negril, Jamaica. EPIC Final Four!

My wife and sister are losing their minds over "The Evil Dead" movie coming out. That tells me everything I need to know. PASS!

I need to start trolling M. Henderson as well. I went out on a limb and picked Ole Miss to go to the ELITE 8. I am dumb as well as pissed. Fuck that guy.

Apparently, the Browns may have interest in Winslow. Kill me now.

Prime99 said...

Henderson is getting trolled hard this morning...

Anonymous said...

"If by drank like a champ you mean sucked down PBR's and eye fucked fat girls at the punch machine then I agree."

Easy fella. This was cleared up yesterday, there was no eye fucking done on my part. Clearly, this was not mutual. I can't help that I am eye candy for the morbidly obese. Sorry, I'm not sorry. However, the irony of that shebeast sitting next to me wasn't lost on me. In fact, I probably realized what the fallout was going to be before she was finished wedging her ass in the booth.

Ide

Anonymous said...

G$......would you rather....

Drive around soberly inthe car with Dut and Ide Sunday night (one of them is driving)

Or

Watch a Grumpy\momma Iceman sex tape.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$......would you rather....

Drive around soberly inthe car with Dut and Ide Sunday night (one of them is driving)

Or

Watch a Grumpy\momma Iceman sex tape

DREWS BEST POST EVER.

Seal

Brady said...

I was right next to Ide when the beast sat down. I can vouch for him that he didn't make a move. Now if there hadn't been a group of 15 guys who rip eachother on the internet everyday surrounding him, it may have been a different story. Only Ide himself can know for sure.

GMoney said...

My God...I almost have to pick the certain death of riding around with those two fuckers as opposed to the instant death of watching the other option.

I have a feeling that trolling Henderson on the internet is not a new thing and that he enjoys it. Ignoring him would probably piss him off more than telling him how much you enjoyed skeeting in his sister's hair and watching her struggle to comb it out.

The Iceman said...

I've been talking about people snorting coke out of henderson's sisters turd hole. Hopefully that works.

The Iceman said...

The only reason I said anything Ide is because it looked like Damman wasn't pleased you were near a chick that was right up his alley.

GMoney said...

I was wondering when D was going to get mentioned in relation to that Bovine University graduate. You're slipping, Barf (half man/half dog).

Anonymous said...

The question is that when I left, she was still there. What ended up happening? Can everyone be accounted for...oh wait. IS THIS WHAT JORDANS SEX STORY WAS ABOUT?! Silence on this subject means one of two things: He slept with her or he slept with one of the posters here.

Ide

The Iceman said...

You figured it out, Ide. Dut gave Jordan a Beej.