Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Don't Be Afraid To Use Your Nails, Boys!

A dramatic reenactment of your average Apple Cheeks/Potato Nose postgame celebration
In case you did not get your copy of Rainbow Review yet, you may not have heard that CBS’s Mike Freeman is breaking news while not saying anything. Apparently, Freeman is in the know amongst the gays and states that a current NFL player is ready to come out of the closet. Now, since BradyCakes is not currently an NFL player, we can’t really say for sure who CBS is eluding to. By the way, this is such bullshit journalism. O RLY MIKE? Thanks for the update on something that isn’t happening. CBS has the worst goddamn writers (see: Doyel, Gregg). After BradyCakes, I immediately guessed that Aaron Craft is the mystery homo until I remembered that he isn’t in the NFL either but does lead a mean set of up-downs and would definitely enjoy showering with 4 times as many men as he usually does. So who is this pioneer that isn’t really a pioneer because he has yet to decide if he wants to be a pioneer? Sounds like a post on this site to me! Let’s get to outing!

I am well aware that you all can’t wait to jump down into the comments and slander the name of my (per Dr. James Andrews) freak of nature quarterback as you have tried to do all year. That isn’t going to work, son. I mean, you’ll try but I will not take the queer bait. RG3 is as straight as one of Daryl Dixon’s arrows.

Anyway, I was able to come up with a decent list of potential barrier breakers for all gays everywhere. For the record, this isn’t going to happen any time soon. No one is going to come out first. They’ll have no problem once someone else does it, but no one wants to be #1. I think that this is a more tolerant blog than what the comments may dictate. I don’t believe that anyone here has a hatred of the butt pirate culture as long as my b-hole is still puckered tight and some guy isn’t give me a tonsillectomy with his dong. So if you somehow stumbled onto this site today (WHY?), just know that any jokes and slurs are meant to be hilarious and not hurtful. DEAL WITH IT. My guesses as to who could be Mike Freeman’s “source of nothing”:

Philip Rivers – You can’t throw a football like that and not have someone question your character.
Trent Richardson – Well, a gentleman would not invite women over to his house to beat the shit out of them. Maybe they walked in on him and Nicky Sabecakes ROLL DAMN TIDING each other???
Brian Hartline – LOL look at that guy. 31 million will buy you an awful lot of AIDS tests.
Brady Quinn – You can’t have a list like this without including Rainbow Tenor. Although I don’t think he is on a team right now.
Arian Foster – All vegans should be questioned. The heart murmur that he had this past year could have been a build-up of foreign semen.
Chris Kluwe – The internet seems to love the outspoken liberal punter. I do not.
Tony Romo – Once a chicken choker, always a chicken choker.
Ndamukong Suh – He certainly enjoys touching the no-no region of other men. His celebrity diving career seems to be taking off as well. I’ve heard rumors of numerous make-out parties at the Louganis house that he has attended. He would definitely be a bear.
Plaxico Burress – Three years in prison can change a man. Plus, being a two-time Steeler is not becoming of a straight guy.
Mike Vick – See above
Kurt Coleman – The worst DB in the league is bad on purpose because he likes to chase after well-sculpted dude butts.
Lance Ball – If The Simpsons taught us anything, it is that “Bruce, Lance, and Julian” are names that the queers have taken as their own. His name is also an homage to John Kruk’s scrotum.
Tim Tebow – The internet would explode if this were true. I can’t think of anything that would make me happier than Timmy Tens being gay. I’ll tell you what, if he is the Freeman source, RibFest is in Memphis next year and I’m buying.

And my actual pick…

Lance Moore – He went to Toledo like most bottom bitches. He wears one eye-black strip even though he plays in a dome. He goes by the nickname of “Lance Romance”. Is there anything fruitier than that moniker?

So there you go. Let’s take a stab in the butt/dark and try to figure out who the rumored soon-to-be out NFL player is. Whoever it is, expect to see that person on Studs & Scrubs next Fall. They might not be able to use the crown of their helmet anymore, but no one ever said the crown of which helmet.


Anonymous said...

It's obviously Teo....just a month away.


Grumpy said...

Transportation to Memphis included?

Anonymous said...

Ray Lewis.

That's why he murdered those guys at the night club, because they were going to out him then.

Mr. Ace said...

You dirty mother fucker. Nobody blasphemes Lance Moore and gets away with it. Scooter McDougal is coming for you.

Teo is a very good pick, but no way he is trying to make waves right now. I am almost positive that it is a white guy, or a intelligent black guy from a good school. Richard Sherman is a possibility then.

I think it is pretty obvious, though. It's Roethlisberger. Why do you think he was raping man-chicks? Then he gets his beard, finds jesus, and pops out a kid. I bet Tebow un-gayed him.

I have no idea who Mike Freeman is. Morgan and Freddie are obvs cooler.

MUDawgfan said...

Not sure who is the biggest faggot in the NFL, but feeling confident the Saints would make a move to aquire him if he isn't on their roster.

GMoney said...

Freddie Freeman is not cooler than anyone. Mike Freeman is an urban Doyel.

Te'o and Ray Lewis would not fit with Freeman's description unfortunately although both would be major LULZ.

Transportation to Memphis included but it would be by horse drawn carriage because I am a romantic.

I think it could be Matt Ryan. He looks like the kind of guy who would get mani/pedi's.

If it is a kicker or a punter, it does not count.

This ended up being quite a timely post (unintentionally) with those Supreme Court hearings going on right now. I am a great writer. Is CBS hiring?

Jeff said...

I'm sure most of those NFL ogres only consider it gay to be on the receiving end of an ass pounding. Does it count if they're not completely sure what is on the other side of a glory hole? We need Dut to chime in on this, I'm sure he can sniff out his own kind.

GMoney said...

Dut can't even figure out the robot filter so we're relieving him of his duties as this site's glory hole expert.

I can safely state that the least gay man in the NFL is probably Jared Allen or Antonio Cromartie.

Prime99 said...

Carson Palmer seems like a guy that might swing the other way, especially with that hot dog ad you've posted here a couple times.

Ryan Fitzpatrick's beard is scratchy... scratchy, but it gives good back rubs.

If it is Clay Mathews, no one would be surprised.

Jeff said...

Robot filter?

I like how you use robot as a code word for faggot.

Please prove you're not a faggot.

Makes sense why Dut can't get past it now.

Brady said...

So many Buckeyes and Browns on this potential list. You be trolling hard today.

I'm going with James Harrison. Any dude that needs to oil up and pose topless with a bunch of guns is obviously over compensating for something.

Maybe it's Tom Brady! His super model wife would be the ultimate beard. Man, if the were true, the Internet would break.

Anonymous said...

Brandon Sweden. Autocorrect did that but I'm leaving it because its ELITE. But also, he is a faggot in my book.

Von Miller. Those hipster glasses don't fool me.

Jason Witten has been Romo's bottom for years. TO was TOTES jelly.

AJ Dalton. Meh, seems right.


GMoney said...

Jason Witten does have the homo cheeks of a young Aaron Craft. I like it.

Tom Brady would be the best non-Tenor option only because Tens would make all of those awful Bible thumpers cry so much.

I'm not trolling. Stop rooting for potential queers if you don't like it.

Jason Campbell to the Browns for TWO terrific seasons! J-Camp! Better go out and solidify that QB stable with The Golden Arm of Todd Collins now.

GMoney said...

Also a good way to find out who the rear admiral is:

Ask every player, "did you watch the USA/Mexicans soccer game last night?" If they say no, they are free and clear of further scrutiny about their sexual preferences.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, how did I miss J-Camp coming to the Browns on a two year deal?

Anonymous said...

Witten is a good one, Ide. After Witten and Romo draw up plays for each other in the away hotel room, I can see them drawing up sexual positions after to add to the Kama Sutra.

I'm saying it could be Adrian Peterson. He cares an awful lot about what he looks like and spends way too much time in the gym sculpting his body. But in reality it's probably some huge, mushy O-Lineman who never plays. Like Andre Smith or someone like that.

I don't know why this supposed gay NFL player wouldn't want to come out and be the 1st. Well...I mean, I can see why but at the same time I can't. Especially if it's a high profile guy like Adrian Peterson. He has a chance to be the Jackie Robinson for the homosexual community. Faggie Robinson.

I can't believe how many Facebook twats are so up in arms about people changing their profile pictures to some form of equal sign. (the zombie fingers I have and the face of Nic Cage faded in the background of another are two of the best I've seen) Other people don't bitch when you put up a picture of you making out with your fat disgusting girlfriend or pictures of your dumb ass kids with spaghetti sauce all over their faces. ADORABLE!!!! Relax and let people support a cause already. This red equal sign is easily not the worst thing that has ever hit Facebook. That crown is reserved for ecards and pictures of people's dinner or what beer they happen to be drinking that day. Facebook is the fucking worst.

GMoney said...

I think that the first would get a ton of money from endorsements but is it worth being ostracized by the meathead culture of the football locker room??? I think that that is the biggest hurdle. Money will not be an issue but being able to literally grind your junk on a muscular man will be short-lived after coming out.

Yeah, it kills me how people can be so adamantly against what the government is talking about right now. We've talked about this before here plenty of times but do you really want to be on the same side of the debate as the backwoods bible thumpers? Also, no one particularly cares about your opinion (either way).

Brady said...

There is bitching about people changing their profile pics? I didn't see any of that. Seriously, who gives a fuck? This country is so far behind the times.

My brother-in-law could be president of the gays and I don't view him any different than anyone else. The guy takes me to Buckeye games, is more successful than I could ever dream of being and is generally one of the nicest people I know. Why he can't get married to some dude, start a family and enjoy the benefits (however few) of marriage is beyond me.

Anonymous said...

Ice hit it right on the head, facebook is the fucking worst. If it wasn't for trolling you fuckwads or some other people I know, I wouldn't even bother with it.

I see that Kordell is getting a divorce. He certainly isn't active, but he's still a faggot. The timing couldn't be better.


GMoney said...

BradyCakes said it best...all Ohio Buckeye football fans are homosexuals.

Brady said...

Um, that's not what I said.

/reviews last post

/see's that he set himself up for that one

Well played, G$. Well played.

GMoney said...

By the way, the inclusion of Canteen Boy to start this post was an inspired choice.

Prime99 said...

Hopefully you didn't miss my Canteen Boy reference as well. It was inspired by the inspired choice.

I'm sure I will post here and there about my kid but my least favorite "friends" on FB are the ones that ONLY post about their kids or being a parent. Holy fuck their kids are fucked. Like Tommy Boy and a dinner roll.

GMoney said...

Prime, listen to all of us very carefully:

"Here and there" better not be here.

Anonymous said...

Can every episode of Justified contain at least one moment where Boyd quotes himself? Or really, just any line from last night.

"Come Thanksgiving, Limehouse can serve up all the dark meat he wants."


Prime99 said...

Don't worry- self promotion will always be my #1 Facebook goal.

GMoney said...

Ide, "those that talk out of both sides of their mouth deserve to have it shut".--Boyd Crowder

Rachel the Marshal = WOULD DO