Friday, March 29, 2013

Open Forum: The Sweet Sixteen

Who says that blatant racism isn't funny???
You don’t get to where I am as a respected journalist without learning a few tricks along the way (thanks for $1.64 payment yesterday, Fox Sports!). When the Ohio Buckeyes are playing/getting arrested/getting sanctioned, you just let the comments take care of themselves. So with Johnny Applecheeks playing in the Sweet 16 last night, well, that’s enough for me to not give my best effort. Let’s take care a few things first:

*As I eluded to yesterday, my nephews have been staying with us all week as their CHRISTmas gift this year from us was a 3 day baseball camp in Dublin. I’ve been told by many of you how much you enjoy my past tales of dealing with the nieces and nephews that I inherited through marriage. I am sad to report that everything went very smoothly. I didn’t make them cry at all. I didn’t call them by the wrong name (always a possibility). I played catch with them and can say that both of them have way better arms than I was expecting. The younger nephew tried to tell me that TV makes you stupid so I almost was forced to kick his ass but I refrained. He lost all credibility five minutes later by turning on Duck Dynasty (WTF is that shit?). No one pissed the bed or shit their pants so I would say that it was a success. There are Legos all over the goddamn house and the guest room is a fucking disaster, but it was pretty easy. If you want a good way to impress kids, eat a shit-load of food at dinner. They bet me a dollar that I couldn’t eat 3 squares of lasagna. Bitch please, you lost that bet before you finished that sentence. Little boys respect gluttony. So I am sorry to report that “Cool Uncle” was doing work (doggy) but maybe next time I can get them crying again.

*Back to basketball, does anyone else find it odd that Buckets is rumored to have both feet out the door on Champions Lane yet is possibly not even a first round draft pick? It seems like a foregone conclusion that DeShaun is DeGone but no one really ever says why they feel this way. I mean, it’s always better to get paid to play than to not, I suppose, but does it really make sense for him to bolt to the NBA? He could probably set a bunch of records at Ohio and make another run at a national title (assuming that they fall short this year). His stock probably isn’t going to get higher. Ahhhh—maybe that’s the worry. If you have a chance at going in the first round and getting that three year guaranteed contract, that is a hell of a lot better than a 2nd round not guaranteed contract. Another year could allow scouts to pick apart his improving but still questionable defense, non-passing skills, and average rebounding rates. He’ll always be able to score—I’d probably rather do it for the Spurs or Thunder than the Fuckeyes. Did that make sense? I think it may have.

*Speaking of leaving early, and this is a completely random thought that has no basis at all, do you think that LaQuinton Ross would consider going this year? Clearly, he is not there to get a degree and he has been pretty damn good the last 6 weeks. I’d bet that deep down he is thinking about it (because this isn’t a very good draft which you can pretty much say every year recently). He seems like a guy who is dumb enough to think that he is NBA-ready like a Josh Selby or some other flame out.

*Trey Burke Sucks. Mitch McGary-Durham LOL. Never forget. They better remember that soon.

Well, that will do it for this week. Are the Ohio Buckeyes still alive and well and getting ready to play a team that they will be an 8-10 point favorite to beat? Did they lose in hilarious fashion? Does RichRod get to claim this as a win/another loss? How about Crean Pie? Did he cost his team like we all think he will eventually? Will Trey Burke Sucks be able to stop Jeff Withey from being a serial killer tonight? Enjoy the hoops this weekend and come back on Monday where I profess my undying love for Nicky Flash in those AT&T commercials.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

I Wrote This and Then Landed on the DL

Googling "stupid Cubs fans" was a great decision
The first pitch of the 2013 baseball will be thrown this Sunday night by whoever the hell the Opening Day starter for the Houston Astros is. Is it Darryl Kile? He’s dead? Whatever, I still can’t name more than 4 guys on that 20 million dollar roster but it is nice that MLB is putting them on national TV for some dumb reason. Anyway, I usually break this prediction post up into two days but for the sake of Iceman’s sanity, I’m lumping it all into today. If you do need more baseball coverage, feel free to tweet TribeCakes69. Let’s get going on a post that will certainly be as shaky as a Bruce Rondon save situation.

BREAKING!!! Tim McCarver is retiring from the broadcast booth after this season. I haven’t been this excited since the day that I met Ted DiBiase. Now who will tell me why they call a fastball a fastball!!!

NL East:
1. Atlanta 2. Washington* 3. Philadelphia 4. New York 5. Miami
I’m all in on The Soul Patrol this year. I think that Larry Jones was holding them back with his endless supply of bastard kids (well, at least one). The Nats are the prohibitive favorites to win this division but I see them taking a small step backwards this year simply because now they are expected to win which we all know is much harder. Roy Halladay is barely breaking 87 mph with his fastball so far. That’s not good news for a team that is going to need to win a lot of 2-1 games. I have David Wright on both of my fantasy teams. This is probably a bad thing for him. I still don’t understand why the Mets dumped the NL Cy Young winner for a bag of balls. Remember how the Marlins unloaded their entire roster after suckering the Cuban Mexicans to build them a stadium? Yeah, apparently the owner is suing season ticket holders now. Bad. Come to New York, Giancarlo, where you can platoon with Brennan Boesch.

NL Central
1. St Louis 2. Cincinnati* 3. Milwaukee 4. Pittsburgh 5. Chicago
This is a two team division and we all know this. I only have the Cards ahead of the Reds because not one starter for Cincinnata missed a start last year so expect a whole pants-load of random injuries to occur this season. It is pretty hilarious to see and hear how desperate MLB is to finally nail Ryan Braun to the wall as a cheater but he keeps dodging bullets. The Pirates have gotten their ten fans’ hopes up for the first .500 season in almost forever but I wouldn’t worry about that at all this year. I believe that this epic streak of losing seasons will officially graduate high school this year. The Cubs are fucking terrible. We all know this. Their Opening Day starter was catching balls on his chin from Brady Quinn a few years ago.

NL West
1. Los Angeles 2. San Francisco 3. Arizona 4. San Diego 5. Colorado
Last year’s Dodgers’ season was a goddamn mess of injuries, new ownership, and weird trades. But now that things have settled down and everyone has gotten used to their Magic Johnson AIDS blood, I expect a monster season from them. That means more parking lot beatings as well (which are always welcomed). The Giants have somehow won two of the last three titles (LOL Tigers) yet you never really think that they’re very good. They just have a bunch of guys who come through with timely hits. That can’t be relied on for too long. They miss the playoffs this year. The rest of the teams in this division are very terrible and I’m not going to act like I know what I’m talking about except that my ROY pick plays for the Padres.

NL Awards
Mike Matheny for Manager, Matt KEMPH for MVP, Adam Wainwright for Cy Young, and Jed Gyorko for Rookie of the Year. Who? Exactly.

AL East:
1. New York 2. Tampa Bay* 3. Toronto 4. Baltimore 5. Boston
EVERYONE is writing off the Yankees this year because they got way worse over the winter and everyone decided to get hurt as well. I have never been less excited for a Yankees team since the early 90’s. Now I am aware that they have zero chance of winning the Series this year, but I do think that they rally and win the East. Remember that team that couldn’t hit shit in the postseason? Well on Opening Day they bring back two of those starters (Ichiro and Cano) although the healthy replacements are hilariously shitty. Our pitching will carry us. Joel Maddon is a genius. Have you not heard? This team is better just by not having BJ Upton and Carlos Pena anymore. Toronto looks good but will fail miserably. We all know this. Don’t but into that shit. The Orioles will take a massive step backwards for the same reason that the Nats will take a minor step backwards. Winning is fun. Being expected to win isn’t nearly as much. The Red Sox are shit. Jeff knows this. Jackie Bradley is giving him such a boner though.

AL Central
1. Detroit 2. Kansas City 3. Cleveland 4. Chicago 5. Minnesota
I think I picked the Tigers to win this awful division by 40 games last year and they sucked their way to a title in the last week of the season. This year they should win it by 15. There isn’t another .500-caliber team in the division. But they will flame out in the postseason. I like the Royals this year as most analysts do but since I can’t come up with any logic to back that up, you’re just going to have to trust me. The Indians will be better but not that much. The starting pitching is still all sorts of feces. LOL at thinking Scott Kazmir is about to bounce back. The Tribe finishes a game or two under and Chris Perez continues to say really dumb shit to the media which ends up getting him dealt at the deadline. The White Sox were flukes last year. The Twins are puke.

AL West
1. Los Angeles/Anaheim 2. Texas* 3. Seattle 4. Oakland 5. Houston
I pick the Angels to win the West every year and they always make me look like a turd. Not this time! I have no idea if their pitching will hold up but even if Crack Rocks Hamilton is a bust (and he likely will be), they are still going to score a bananas amount of runs. I feel like Texas has peaked. They keep losing good players and eventually that pitching staff is going to realize that it is dick. The Mariners are managed by Eric Wedge. Respect the ‘stache. I don’t have anything to say about the A’s other than you should add one of their random no-name pitchers to your fantasy team because they always have solid numbers. The Astros might not win 10 games this season. Do you remember Kaz Matsui (the second base-nip from a few years ago)? Houston once put him on the DL with anal fissures. Best DL reason ever.

AL Awards
Joe Girardi for Manager, Mike Trout for MVP, Felix Hernandez for Cy Young, and Wil Myers for Rookie of the Year.

World Series Prediction surely to be terrible!
LA Angels over the LA Dodgers…why not?

No East Coast (or north coast, I guess) bias for me! I can’t wait for all the Mad Dog 20/20 chuggers to chime in about how great their white trash team is and how Victor Martinez will be THE DIFF this season. LOL he will not. By the way, NO ONE is allowed to complain about injuries ruining their team this year. I’m not going to do it and I’m the only one that has a legit claim to use that excuse. But I will not because trading for Vernon Wells eliminates all sympathy. Let’s “have a catch” today with some baseball talk and maybe dissect fantasy teams (my team is awful). Tomorrow will be a short post since the Ohio Buckeyes are playing tonight and I may shoehorn in a few stories from my nephews staying with us this week (always an uncomfortable time). Play ball, son.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Don't Be Afraid To Use Your Nails, Boys!

A dramatic reenactment of your average Apple Cheeks/Potato Nose postgame celebration
In case you did not get your copy of Rainbow Review yet, you may not have heard that CBS’s Mike Freeman is breaking news while not saying anything. Apparently, Freeman is in the know amongst the gays and states that a current NFL player is ready to come out of the closet. Now, since BradyCakes is not currently an NFL player, we can’t really say for sure who CBS is eluding to. By the way, this is such bullshit journalism. O RLY MIKE? Thanks for the update on something that isn’t happening. CBS has the worst goddamn writers (see: Doyel, Gregg). After BradyCakes, I immediately guessed that Aaron Craft is the mystery homo until I remembered that he isn’t in the NFL either but does lead a mean set of up-downs and would definitely enjoy showering with 4 times as many men as he usually does. So who is this pioneer that isn’t really a pioneer because he has yet to decide if he wants to be a pioneer? Sounds like a post on this site to me! Let’s get to outing!

I am well aware that you all can’t wait to jump down into the comments and slander the name of my (per Dr. James Andrews) freak of nature quarterback as you have tried to do all year. That isn’t going to work, son. I mean, you’ll try but I will not take the queer bait. RG3 is as straight as one of Daryl Dixon’s arrows.

Anyway, I was able to come up with a decent list of potential barrier breakers for all gays everywhere. For the record, this isn’t going to happen any time soon. No one is going to come out first. They’ll have no problem once someone else does it, but no one wants to be #1. I think that this is a more tolerant blog than what the comments may dictate. I don’t believe that anyone here has a hatred of the butt pirate culture as long as my b-hole is still puckered tight and some guy isn’t give me a tonsillectomy with his dong. So if you somehow stumbled onto this site today (WHY?), just know that any jokes and slurs are meant to be hilarious and not hurtful. DEAL WITH IT. My guesses as to who could be Mike Freeman’s “source of nothing”:

Philip Rivers – You can’t throw a football like that and not have someone question your character.
Trent Richardson – Well, a gentleman would not invite women over to his house to beat the shit out of them. Maybe they walked in on him and Nicky Sabecakes ROLL DAMN TIDING each other???
Brian Hartline – LOL look at that guy. 31 million will buy you an awful lot of AIDS tests.
Brady Quinn – You can’t have a list like this without including Rainbow Tenor. Although I don’t think he is on a team right now.
Arian Foster – All vegans should be questioned. The heart murmur that he had this past year could have been a build-up of foreign semen.
Chris Kluwe – The internet seems to love the outspoken liberal punter. I do not.
Tony Romo – Once a chicken choker, always a chicken choker.
Ndamukong Suh – He certainly enjoys touching the no-no region of other men. His celebrity diving career seems to be taking off as well. I’ve heard rumors of numerous make-out parties at the Louganis house that he has attended. He would definitely be a bear.
Plaxico Burress – Three years in prison can change a man. Plus, being a two-time Steeler is not becoming of a straight guy.
Mike Vick – See above
Kurt Coleman – The worst DB in the league is bad on purpose because he likes to chase after well-sculpted dude butts.
Lance Ball – If The Simpsons taught us anything, it is that “Bruce, Lance, and Julian” are names that the queers have taken as their own. His name is also an homage to John Kruk’s scrotum.
Tim Tebow – The internet would explode if this were true. I can’t think of anything that would make me happier than Timmy Tens being gay. I’ll tell you what, if he is the Freeman source, RibFest is in Memphis next year and I’m buying.

And my actual pick…

Lance Moore – He went to Toledo like most bottom bitches. He wears one eye-black strip even though he plays in a dome. He goes by the nickname of “Lance Romance”. Is there anything fruitier than that moniker?

So there you go. Let’s take a stab in the butt/dark and try to figure out who the rumored soon-to-be out NFL player is. Whoever it is, expect to see that person on Studs & Scrubs next Fall. They might not be able to use the crown of their helmet anymore, but no one ever said the crown of which helmet.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Grab Bag and Grab Ass...Mostly Grab Bag, Though

Not pictured: Henderson holding that guy in the red's boner.

Bear with me as I continue to put my fucking brain back together after Saturday.  For those of you who missed my comment yesterday, it bears repeating that it is confirmed I took at least 10 shots of rumplemintz Saturday night.  That sentence could make panhandling bums hurl.  I'm officially banning that fucking garbage from any future drinking social.  Anyway, once again there will be a little something for everyone today as Grumpy continues to lick his wounds over me not introducing him to my "other friends".  I can't wait until August 10th so I can not introduce him to more people he doesn't really want to know.  EXCEPT, my mother.  Hoooooo boy is that introduction for sure happening!  He'll never ask me to meet another person I know for the rest of our miserable lives after 5 minutes in the same room with that woman.  Make sure you all get a good seat for that one.  Let's dive in.

Jut Verlander - Hey look!  It's baseball!  Word on the street is that G$'s fantasy baseball boyfriend HungryManDinnerLander is looking for a new long term deal right now with Detroit before his current contract has expired.  Claims he likes it there and wants to stay.  Who fucking knows why.  I've been to Detroit more times than I care to admit.  It's fucking awful there.  So with 2 years remaining on his current deal and neither side wanting to contract talk during the regular season, my only question is this.  What the fuck is the holdup?  Seriously.  I'm curious.  Maybe I just don't know baseball and there's more to this story than I can see.  But am I wrong to think the Tigers are stupid as shit for not getting this deal done A fucking SAP?  Love or hate OldMilwaukeeInTheRedCanLander, there is no denying that he has been the most dominant pitcher for at least the last 2 seasons.  Maybe more than that if I cared enough about baseball to research it.  Rest assured, I do not.  What if SkoalStraightFineCutLander goes out and wins 20 games this year?  Which he probably will.  Market price goes up, right?  So when you have the best pitcher in baseball willing to interlock fingers and walk around the Henry County Fair with you for the next 7 years, why drag your feet and flirt with having to pay more two years later?  No matter what you end up paying him it'll be worth it considering he's hitting his prime right now, am I right?  It just doesn't make sense to me and just another thing that makes baseball a sport for dildos.

Evil Dead - Holy fucking fuck fuck!  If you haven't seen the trailer for this movie yet.  Stop right now and watch it.  Shit...I'll even link it right here for you.  Fucking incredible, right?!  I can't remember the last time I was this pumped for a movie.  Probably new Batman.  Okay...definitely new Batman.  Now I LOVED the original Evil Dead and I'll be the first person to admit that it's not for everyone.  It's cheesy as fuck 80's horror that was done very, very poorly.  But that's part of why I like it so much.  It's terribly awesome and so low budget to the point where it's great.  Plus Bruce Campbell or GTFO.  Seriously...if you dislike Bruce Campbell you are a fucking useless twat.  He's fantastic in everything he does all the way down to his Old Spice commercials.  But here's the thing...this new Evil Dead movie IS made for everyone to love.  Except hipster faggots who can't love anything that is even a little bit popular.  Those dick wads will find some way to hate on this movie in the hardest most aggressive fashion when there is no possible way this movie will suck.

Anthony Adams announces his retirement - I'm not gonna pretend I know who this cat is.  I don't.  Shit.  Prime is a Bears fan and probably doesn't recognize the name.  The only reason I'm even talking about him is because of his awesome retirement video that just came out.  It's pretty fantastic.  I'm a sucker for below average NFL players making fun of themselves in videos like these...especially when they're filling out applications to White Castle at the end of it.

Marshall Henderson continues to be a fuck - So after Ole Miss blew it against LaSalle, Marshall Henderson did the Marshall Henderson thing and double birded the crowd in his glorious exit.  Later when asked why he did it by a reporter, Henderson replied with "someone called my sister a whore and said something about cocaine." which is TREMENDOUS, by the way.  Big fucking salute to whoever that was.  If ever a slime ball shit head deserved to hear awful (most likely true) shit about his sister, it's this dick smack.  Henderson is the worst kind of shit talker.  Just flaps his cunt constantly and feels like he can do and say what the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants.  But the minute someone slams him good with a dig like calling his sister a dirty whore, he can't handle it and acts like a childish fucking brat.  Hey asshole!  If you can't handle people saying terrible things to you then stop acting like a shit stain in public!  I want to find out who said that to Henderson and drink rumplemintz with this mystery man until we throw up in my brother's front yard.

Kellen Winslow is delusional - Prime was nice enough to inform me via Twitter that Kellen Winslow plans on catching 100 balls this season according to his own Twitter account.  I couldn't resist.  Let the Kellen Winslow trolling begin.  With gems like this and Amanda Bynes publicly stating she wants Drake to murder her does G$ continue to shun Twitter?  At this point you're only hurting yourself, man.

Tubby Smith has been fired - WUT??  The set of gonads on Norwood Teague!  I'm I missing something here?  Tubs brings your program back to a level of respectability after the program was terrible and blown the fuck up and this is how you repay him?  I'm sure it can't be easy to convince high profile high school basketball players to fight through the depression of Minnesota winters for the next four years but Smiff seemed to do it with relative ease.  Okay...maybe not high profile but good enough players to compete at a pretty good level.  The rumor circulating is that Teague, formerly of VCU, is targeting Shaka Smart as the new head coach.  Only problem is every fucking one else on the planet.  Including apparent hard interest from teams like USC and UCLA.  Ha!  Can I please be in the room when Teague makes the phone call attempting to talk Smart out of Southern California for the barren wasteland of Minnesota?  It would be so LOLZ.  No chance, anus.

That should be enough to keep you trolls busy today.  Ide promised me free access to HBO so I could start watching Game Of Thrones.  Naturally he never gave me the info I needed like he promised.  Total Ide move.  Not that has anything to do with today, I just wanted to make sure everyone was clear that Jeff is no longer the worst and Ide has an iron death grip on that honor.  Now go watch that Evil Dead clip again.

Monday, March 25, 2013

The Worst of the First Weekend

Championship parade runs through Woodbury tomorrow!
Remember this old chestnut from the NFL season that has helped make me an internet sensation?  Well, it's back.  No one cares.  Anyway, RibFest happened on Saturday and was another great success as the number of attendees was through the roof.  We were even blessed with an appearance by Prime via FacePrime.  It will be hard for me to ever eat a meal again without FacePrime.  The much anticipated Drew/Seal showdown took place with me in the Don King role.  It was quite cordial.  Ide wasn't nearly as belligerent as the last time I saw him.  Cakes was really caking it up yet admitted that Ohio really pissed him off (FINALLY!).  Iceman set the bar record at their pop-a-shot game.  Actually, he obliterated it so we have a famous athlete among us.  And other stuff happened.  Good times!  Until next year!  How about we laugh at the losers of March Madness now?  But first...

Our waitress at Barley's - Hey whore, when you say that you can split the appetizers across everyone's bills, that does not mean that it is OK just to have G$ and Mr. Ace pay for them entirely.  YOU LIED TO ME!  Did you not see Mr. Ace's incredible retro White Sox hat?  What about my ELITE t-shirt?  So not only do I entertain daily, I also provide wings and sauerkraut balls to you ruffians.

Jamie Dixon - I hate everything about this guy.  His hair is just the worst.  Nice shitty team.

Marquette - Listen up, assholes, no one likes you.  Lose already.  Every sane person in 'merica loves Davidson and Butler yet you fluked your way to wins over both.  I hate you.  No one wants to watch you play basketball!  Just go away.

The Mountain West and Big East - OK, enough is enough, let's just start moving all of these teams down a few seeding spots.  These conferences (outside of L'ville) are terrible.

Keith Dambrot's All Gay Makeout Parties - LOLOLOLOLOL!  If you want a good chortle, google why the Akron coach was fired by Central Michigan years ago.  It is why I will always hate him and never respect the Zips.  So needless to say, I was quite pleased that they lost by a million to Shaka on Thursday night.  Don't use the flu as an excuse--only one of those guys actually played.

Steve Alford and Mike Brey - I was telling this to people at RibFest and it remains true: you can't win in March with more than one big white oaf.  You can get away with one, but not two.  Not in today's game.  They create disadvantages all over the floor because they can't defend and any decent 6'7" guy is going to beat them on the glass.  NM and ND played two ogres at the same time almost the entire game and they are both home now.  NO OGRES IN MARCH.

Bo Ryan - Even though it allowed Marshall Henderson to advance, Wisconsin losing is always great.  That Evans kid with the Johnny U haircut is so terrible.

Bruce Weber - LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!  What a shit coach!  Is there anything better than the refs blatantly ignoring him when he's trying to call a timeout?  I think not.

Shabazz and Ben Howland - Citgo!  DING! That firing was a long time coming.  Shabazz is such an asshole.  Apparently no one knows how old he is now, too?  Let's get Donald Trump on it!  SHOW ME YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, HUSSEIN!!!  By the way, who said that UCLA would lose by 20 to an 11 seed only to watch them lose by 20 to an 11 seed???

Dexter Morgan - Go ahead and look at Jeff Withey's dead, soulless eyes.  That 7 foot swatting machine is totes a serial killer.  Let's get him on Dexter and give him a name like the South Beach Swatter or something.

John Thompson The Worst - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA five straight years of losing to a double digit seed!!!  The alley-oop that FGCU threw up will not be topped as the play of the tournament.  That was so ELITE.

FGCU's Coach - Sorry, BRAH, but millions of BRAHs across the country jerked off to your ex-supermodel wife (Amanda Marcum) on Friday night.  Oh man, she should get her own One Shining Moment video.  She has some pretty decent pictures out there if you are interested AND YOU ARE.

I DUMB? - Apparently, I have done the impossible and motivated WE ON to play incredible basketball finally.  Mitch McGary is finally contributing positively.  The shitty sons of ELITE dads are playing well.  I don't like this.  My boy, Shaka, was supposed to take care of these shits!

Derrick Nix - INSANE MAN.  Punches Zeller in the nuts.  Clotheslines Aaron Craft.  Starts towel fight with teammate during a timeout.  This man should be in jail.  I can't wait to see what he has in store for that Plumlee cock.

The A-10 - Ouch.  That was a rough Saturday with Butler, VCU, and STL all getting pooped on.

Mark Few - Poor Bulldogs.  I wanted them to prove the haters wrong so much and at least get to the Sweet 16.  But they sucked and now they go home.  We're starting to run out of Cinderellas this year (Oregon does not count).

Aaron Craft - UGH...UGH...UGH!  Such a fluke and probably the dumbest decision in the history of basketball that somehow worked and infuriated smart people like me.  There is no way that Potato Nose called a TO and said "Hey faggot, go out there and pull a LeBron".  No chance.  Potato Nose probably drew up some intricate web of screens and whatnot in order for Queer Boy to not take the shot.  Yet there he was, running the clock down like a dipshit and throwing a miracle slider into the goal from 23 feet away.  It might have even been a slurve.  Whatever it was, it was definitely all luck and no skill.  U MAD BRO?  YEAH MAD BRAH because everything is always coming up Milhouse for Craft.  I was the only one to pick the Cyclones in The Nut, too, because I'm fucking smart and those points were ripped out of my sexy claws.  FUCK ALL Y'ALL!  That finish is on YOU, Seal. FUCK YOU.

Charles Barkley - Stupid Ohio Buckeye fans don't understand Charles because they only see him for one or two weekends a year.  Charles is paid to be loud and give his opinion and also be funny.  You don't get this because you have ridiculously thin skin.  Chuck is always going to do what he does because he has a microphone and a camera and you have a Twitter account that no one reads.  Deal with it.

That being said... - That "hover" call wasn't a bad call and I don't get why they couldn't drop it.  We all hate the Ohio Buckeyes but focus on something else that is Mike Trout yelling "CRAZY" in the Subway commercial as if he just learned how to talk yesterday.  You know what, fuck this.  Anything else that happened yesterday is going to get ignored because I'm still pissed that the worst shooter on the planet made an awful play and then made me sad.  As that old guy Jerry said on Big Brother, "SCREW ALL YOU PEOPLE!"  Go Arizona.  End this bullshit nightmare already.  I'm tired of hearing about the apple-cheeked cocksucker.  I need some FacePrime to ease my pain.

Wow.  That was long.  In conclusion, I would like to thank all of you that attended RibFest this year and remind everyone that Oregon coach Dana Altman looks exactly like The Governor.  They might even be the same person.  Phil Knight definitely has "replacement eye" money. 

Friday, March 22, 2013


WARNING: Will cause mud butt.
Another ELITE mail-in post out of respect for March Madness.  Someone remind me to call in a reservation (in the afternoon).  Baseball draft is at The Stube starting at 2.  Let's try to sit at our table at 6.  Barley's is the place (the Grandview location).  Rumors of Varsity Club after that...ON CHAMPIONS LANE.  The world is our oyster sauerkraut ball.

Talk about whatever you'd like today.  Here are some potential topics:

*The Nut Pool standings
*whatever happened last night
*gambling lines for today
*Trey Burke sucking
*the CCHA semis this afternoon (Ohio Buckeyes vs. Notre Dame and RedHawks vs. Trey Burke Sucks)

I'll see you all tomorrow.  That's right...ALL OF YOU.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Only A Pedophile Would Work Today

Consider this your day 1 open thread.  May your day be filled with buzzer beaters, terrific Sprint commercials, and as many Mitch McGary LOLZ that we can handle.  GO JACK RABBITS!  TREY BURKE SUCKS!  NATE WOLTERS IS BETTER!  SO IS CROOKED CLOWN NATE WILLIAMS!

ELITE reference.  Nailed that.  Enjoy the games.  Also, don't forget to look at the new McGary label below and laugh your ass off.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Introducing Stone Cold Steve Levy

Mind if I put my biscuit in your basket?
Boy, Iceman wasn’t shitting us yesterday when he announced that nothing was going on non-brackets related. We’re going to really have to pull each other up by our bootstraps today (what does that even mean?) to get a cromulent post before back-to-back mail-in posts as we head into RibFest. I don’t want to talk about football, baseball, basketball, or hockey so we might as well discuss mythical bitch-fighting AND professional wrestling. Bet you didn’t see that coming.

When you’re growing up out in the cornfields and you and your BRAHs are trying to avoid homosexual experimentation, you tend to have a lot of weird arguments and debates about nothing that could actually be proven. In between euchre games and mooning motorists and jars of canned pears out at Hoffman’s, there was one topic that seemed to pop up more than it probably deserved to: Who is the toughest anchor at ESPN. I’ve never said that we were scholars.

I constantly got ripped on for my selection as the champion of Bristol Fight Club but I still think that I’m right. 15 years later, I’m still sticking with him as my pick. That’s right, in my personal opinion, Steve Levy kicks all the ass at ESPN. The guy has a solid build, a fucking HUGE melon on top of his neck that I assume could absorb a lot of punishment, and is a big hockey guy (which, to me, means that he can brawl). I correctly feel that he is the toughest. Who is going to step up to my boy, Stevie Levy? John Anderson? Larry Biel! Bob Ley? Fucking Berman?

Brian Kenny might have made a good claim for the top spot but he’s gone and Levy is back where he belongs at the top. So the question is, who is the biggest tough guy at ESPN (it’s Steve Levy—by the way, ex-athletes don’t count)? We can also do a women’s division, too. Hannah Storm couldn’t even beat up her gas grill. I have a feeling that my girl, Lindsay Czarniak, is some sort of kickboxing wizard so I’ll pick her. Colin Cowherd would get choked out by Mike Lupica in four seconds.

In part two today, we are taking a cue from Mr. Ace and hopping on The Road To Wrestlemania (pretty good card this year but we’re not going to get into that…unless you want to)! A few weeks ago, Ace asked his four friends on Facebook to name the greatest pro wrestling finishing maneuver of all time. This is exactly my kind of topic as I enjoy the sport of idiots. In my opinion, a great finisher has to have a few things (we’re not counting submission moves here because nothing could ever touch The Boston Crab):

*aesthetically pleasing – Does it look awesome?
*does it look like it hurts – That is huge. In a sport that ”IT’S REAL TO ME, DAMMIT”, I have to believe that when it connects, it’s over. And if someone did this to you in real life, you would be knocked the fuck out. Everyone likes The Rock but the Rock Bottom is such a stupid move.

When you factor in all three of those above, I feel like there is only one that rises above the fray. Sweet Chin Music for the win!

Just look at that for the rest of the day…just gorgeous. So there is your official answer, Ape, and always remember that the worst finisher ever is The Pedigree. With that, it’s time for me to give this post the Bonzai Drop. I should also say that I had my first fantasy baseball draft last night so if you want to know who I got, just ask nicely.

Site note expanding on what I said at the start: I usually just leave the site dark during the Thursday and Friday tournament games but I might as well just throw up something (even if it’s just a picture) so we can BradyCakes live-Tweet Indians games/basketball if you want.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Rape and Other Stuff

                 Meanwhile in the parking lot behind Steubenville High School...

When in doubt, always lead with rape.  It really grabs people's attention.  Is there anything worse than St. Patrick's day falling on a Sunday?  I'm sure we could collectively think of a few things but it's gotta be up there.  My recovery speed isn't quite what it used to be so I had to pass on the festivities for the first time in a long time.  It didn't prevent my brother from spending a total of $100 on cab rides to 3 different cities and a WHALE of a story to go along with it.  Maybe if you clams are lucky I'll showcase this splendid tale at RibFest as it's probably something he doesn't want on the Internet forever.  He's lucky we're related or else that shit would be already have been a Facebook post.  There isn't shit going on besides bracket stuff we already covered yesterday, so this is what you get today.

- In honor of RibFest this weekend we can't ignore the man who made it all possible.  Timothy T. Tenor.  Tee Tenspot, Timmy Tens.  A true man of the people.  If G$ put the Barley's reservation under any name besides a variation of Tim Tenor then he should have to buy the lot of us dinner.   So it looks like if the NFL doesn't work out for Pipes McJesus there's always a roster spot for him in the AFL.  This really isn't news.  It's just hilarious.

- Tracy McGrady is a sour cunt.  Like G$, he's finding every excuse in the book to air wank what the Miami Heat are doing right now.  Go fuck's impressive.  I guess sitting in a home made ice bath in your living room playing with your own tits gets old after awhile.  What better way to try and grease your way back into a relevant conversation than shit talk an impressive win streak?  The only streaks McGrady is qualified to discuss are the ones residing in the crotch of his period stained granny panties.  Whiny AFFleats are the fucking worst.  They act like records will never be broken and get all bunged up when they do.  Go get fucked by a broken champagne bottle with the '72 Dolphins.

- Apparently Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn are dating.  The only question people should be asking Tiger Woods about this is how it felt to wait this long to let the world know he loves wiener.  Because Vonn looks like a gross, gross man.  Now...haters will point to pictures on the Internet trying to tell me I'm wrong, but even the tubbiest chick with the most prominent mustache Damman has ever banged can look amazing with a makeup artist getting paid better cash than anyone on this website.  With the exception of LS.  Since he's apparently a lawyer or something.  Check out this horse without makeup.  Sick.

- The Steubenville Rape duo were found guilty yesterday.  Now, I'm not going to pretend to be an expert about this case because I just started reading shit about this within the last month.  But from what I gathered yesterday, it sounds like this place was pretty much real life Varsity Blues minus the fat kid with the pet pig and mouthy wide receiver with crotch rot.  Okay...maybe they do have a Tweeter being so close to West Virginia.  Home of the crotch rot.  Anyway.  It sounds like this was a pretty easy slam dunk when it comes to rape cases and that this town needed to make an example out of these kids.  But from what I'm reading, it sounds like the exact opposite happened.  Unless I'm mistaken, these kids got off pretty easy.  I don't know...maybe juvenile detention is a lot tougher than it sounds.  But I just don't think being in kid jail for a year is considered "hard time" or translates to justice.  Sure...these guys will be registered sex offenders for life.  But what does that really mean for them?  They're free in a year, won't get anally violated by Nasty Nate and can't live next to a school...and maybe can't get a library card.  But who wants that shit anyway?  Kids are awful creatures and reading is for people too fuckin dumb to realize TV is much better.  Two things I learned from this case.  First: These fuckers were lucky they weren't tried as adults (not sure if that was an option...Lil Strut, some help here?) like they should have been.  And two: Rape is never funny...unless it happens to Ide by a black dude at the gym.  Then it's insanely funny.

Welp.  That's how you know this site has hit rock bottom.  When we start talking about which white vagina hole Tiger Woods is jamming his 9 iron into.  I'm proud to be the blogger that could carry us to new lows today.  I've already mentally checked out for RibFest this weekend and this mail in post proves it.  If I cared what any of you thought of me I might actually feel bad for a mail in post.  Rest assured I don't.  Get fucked, y'all.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Breaking Down The Bracket OBVZ

Even over there Trey Burke Sucks!
I watched a fuckload of basketball this weekend.  It was quite impressive.  Before I get into the bracket, here are a few thoughts on the conference tournaments:

*Trey Burke still sucks.
*Aaron Craft is way better and much more of a homosexual.
*A month or so ago, Iceman told everyone how awful Marshall Henderson from Ole Miss is.  I didn't know what he was talking about...until this weekend.  WHAT A DICK.  His shark impression thing make me root for him to get murdered.  Seriously, Marshall Henderson is a horrible person.
*Kentucky LOL.
*Bo Ryan is such an asshole.  There was no reason to give The Wolf the cold shoulder at halftime with a bunch of Gregg Popovich-like answers to innocent questions.  The Wolf is a goddamn pro!
*I'm not the biggest Big East fan out there but Bilas made a great point during the closing moments of Louisville's ass-beating of Syracuse: that conference was made so much better and so much more important by Bill Raftery.  I couldn't agree more.  Raftery helped make that conference.  Raftery is the best.
*Horrible Big Ten title game but the Ohio Buckeyes are on fire nonetheless.  I demand more Evan Ravenel three point attempts and less Amadeo Della Valle camera time.  Let's break down this year's bracket, shall we:

Initial Thoughts - Wow, Louisville gets the overall #1 seed?  That was sort of a surprise to me but you know, they probably earned it.  This bracket is a goddamn minefield though.  Duke, Sparty, Saint Louis, Memphis, Creighton, OK State, AND Oregon?  Christ!  You put my Billikens in any other region and they are a legit Final Four threat...but not in the Midwest.
WTF? - How the hell is the Pac-12 Champion and a team that was ranked almost all year a 12 seed?
First of the Big Four Seeds to be beaten - None.  All 4 will go to Indy.
First round upset - Oregon over OK State
Who's going to the Final Four? - Michigan State (over Louisville)

Initial Thoughts - Kansas got a much better break than the Cards with average Georgetown, Florida, and WE ON teams.  Kansas should steamroll into Atlanta.  Lock it up: VCU is beating Michigan.  I didn't think that Minnesota deserved to be in the tournament at all let alone getting rewarded by playing a beat-up UCLA team.  Tubby Smith is working all sorts of black magic.
WTF? - Like I said, this bracket makes sense to me although I can't think of any reason at all to watch SDSU and Oklahoma play.
First of the Big Four Seeds to be beaten - Michigan.  Shaka Smart is going to make The Palace his home and you all know this.
First Round Upset - Minnesota over UCLA
Who's going to the Final Four - Kansas (over some shit team like Florida)

Initial Thoughts - My Blackbirds gonna shock the world and beat IU!!!  UNLV is a 5 seed and Oregon is a 12 seed...just sayin'.  Cal gets to play a home game as a 12 seed?  This is a garbage bracket.  Just give me the Butler/IU rematch for a chance at the Final Four already.
WTF? - This whole region is fucktarded.  Marquette, Cuse, and UNLV have no shot at the Final Four.
First of the Big Four Seeds to be beaten - Marquette
First Round Upset - Colorado over Illinois
Who's going to the Final Four - Indiana (over Butler)

Initial Thoughts - Does it really matter who the one seed is between the Ohio Buckeyes and Gonzaga?  Nope, not at all.  The Zags earned that though.  OMG BO RYAN VERSUS MARSHALL HENDERSON!  KILL THEM ALL!  Go Iona!  Gaels, SON! UNM and K-State as 3/4 seeds?  This bracket is hilariously bad.
WTF? - New Mexico should never get a 3 seed unless you are running a bracket for locations of great TV shows.
First of the Big Four Seeds to lose - Kansas State because of Bruce Weber
First Round Upset - Iowa State over Notre Dame
Who's going to the Final Four - Ohio Buckeyes (over Wisconsin)

Like I said in my primer on Friday, I'm sticking with my gut (sorry Duke...just kidding) and going with relative chalk.  Two ones, a two, and a three (three Big Ten teams?  WHO AM I!) for me.  Let's make some wild-ass predictions for the tournament!  It's RibFest Week, people!  Time to step things up a notch in the comments!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Here's Some Free March Madness Advice For You

Feels relevant
By now, all of the conference tournaments have begun which means that we are officially onto the greatest two weeks of the year. While were all disappointed that the RedHawks’ season has commenced with another painful 9 win campaign, there are other teams out there. I don’t claim to be a college hoops expert (although our preview post with Drew and Seal was actually really good despite the NC State love which we all fell for and they are the actual most OVERRATED team this year), I do think that I have some good advice to offer when it comes to having a successful bracket*.

*By the way, The Nut Pool or whatever it is called that is run by Damman is back again. If you are in it, you know how great it is. If you are not, sorry about your luck because for the first time ever a person running a pool is capping how many people are allowed in it. That’s a bold strategy. Maybe there is a slot or two still open and he can announce that in the comments.

Anyway, every dickhead with a microphone in front of them absolutely loves to hear themselves say that this year is a wide open tournament field and there are 12 to a thousand teams that can win it all. Don’t be obtuse, Warden. There are only five teams with the cajones to win 6 straight road games against the best of the best. Today, I’m going to drop those teams on you like a big old hunk of space poopy (good Joe Dirt reference, son). But first, we need to classify 33 teams that will (likely) be dancing just so we know who we can and can’t trust.

LIU Brooklyn – I don’t know shit about the Blackbirds other than their name, but this will be their third straight trip to the dance and experience can get you a W in March.
Valparaiso – Just a bunch of 7 footers that stroke the three and are coached by Bryce Drew.

Gonzaga – It’s hard to get a feel for a team that we’ve all watched maybe twice all year. I do know that their bigs are terrific but the guards are not. I could see them losing in the second round or going to the Final Four based on the match-up. Your best bet would probably be to hedge and have them lose in the sweet 16.
New Mexico – I know nothing other than Steve Alford is an asshole.
Memphis – If they’re anything like all the other Tiger teams, they are dumb as fuck and shoot free throws terribly.
Colorado State – I know that they rebound like whoa and feature former Gopher and always repulsive to look at it, Colton Iverson. That’s about it.

St. Louis – They won the underrated A-10 out right and are playing for the memory of their dead fat ass coach. Put them down for two wins no matter what.
Arizona – They’ve slid a bit but Sean Miller is still fantastic and won’t be upset early.
Wisconsin – Cocksuckers like Bo Ryan and his Klan don’t leave the tournament without taking a heavyweight out first.
VCU – I would not be surprised if they made the Final Four. AT ALL. I would be shocked if they lost in their first game.
St. Mary’s – They fucking crushed a pretty good Creighton team with a well-rounded team. This is probably their last hurrah as that LOIC hammer just came down.
Butler – If you pick them to lose before the second weekend, why even fill out a bracket?
North Carolina and Kentucky – I put them together because most think that they blow but they still have more talent and better coaching than 90% of the other teams. I like both to win at least one game.

Louisville – They just don’t score enough consistently. And I hate Peyton Siva.
Pittsburgh – LOL, if you pick a Jamie Dixon-coached team past the first game then you deserve to be lobotomized.
Miami – They are on very, very shaky ground right now.
Oklahoma State – Marcus Smart is ELITE but it’s hard to trust a freshman in March and the rest of that team is not very good.
Marquette – Those light blue uniforms are just awful and you have to hate a school that produced Whine Or Wheelchair.

Georgetown – Don’t believe the hype; JT3’s teams almost always choke.
Michigan – I just don’t like their style of play and the over-reliance on “Hero Ball”. I can’t see them winning 4 straight road games. I could go for some more “LOL Mitch McGary” moments though.
Kansas State – You do know that Bruce Weber is their coach, right?
Florida – As has been said a lot here, the Gators don’t win outside of Gainesville.
Syracuse – This is a pretty flawed team.
UCLA – They are either a Final Four team or will lose by 20 to an 11 seed.
Creighton – People like Grumpy will love the Jays but I don’t. Their guards are terrible and the first team that they play with any athletic ability will run them off the floor. Don’t fall for Doug McDermott’s charm.
Notre Dame – Two years ago, I picked the Irish to win the title. I am not smart.
Oregon – Yeah, no. I don’t care who they play in the first game, I’m picking the upset.

Indiana – They aren’t playing all that great at the moment but this is still the most talented team in the country and are very well-balanced. And when they make it to Atlanta, you know damn well that The BRAHs will be front and center.
Duke – Apparently, this team will never lose as long as Gorgon Kelly is out there being all ugly. So unless you know that he’s getting hurt, you should probably put them into the championship game.
Kansas – McLemore and Withey are studs. I don’t think that they will be running into TCU during the tournament so they should be fine there.
Ohio Buckeyes – Even the haters out there have to acknowledge that this team is going to be tough to get rid of. I don’t think that they can win it all, but I like them to go to ATL.
Michigan State – It’s almost annoying that Sparty is always playing their best basketball in March. As long as Luke Appling isn’t asked to do anything other than dribble the ball up the floor, they should make a deep run.

That means that I will likely have two 1s, a 2, and 2 3s or some sort of variation of four of those five teams in my Final Four. I don’t really fill out any brackets any more but if I did, and depending on who is in what bracket, I’m picking at least three of these four to make it to Atlanta. Like I said, this isn’t that hard. It’s March Madness where the cream almost always rises to the top. Just remember that I actually have money on the Ohio Buckeyes winning the tournament this year unlike all of you FAKE FANS!!!

Enjoy conference tournament weekend, everyone, and remember that She$ is out of town this weekend so I’m free for some debauchery (casino? Everclear is playing there for free tonight). Text it!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Here We Go Again...

Would you if you looked like a walking schlong?
As was briefly mentioned yesterday, the Ohio Buckeye football team is up to their old tricks again. Per The Lantern:

Three Ohio State football players are named in a search warrant filed by OSU police in an investigation of an alleged rape, according to a report from Columbus television network ABC 6.
According to the ABC 6 report, a female student reported the rape, which she said happened on Oct. 21, to police on Nov. 10. No charges have been filed.
OSU police logs indicate that a rape was reported by a female student on Nov. 10. The log listed Neil Avenue Building as the location of the incident, and stated that an investigation was pending.
The ABC 6 report indicated that the search warrant is for a cell phone of one of the named players, which may contain evidence of the alleged rape.
According to the ABC 6 report, the three players are OSU freshmen, and one of those players left the football team last week.
Gayle Saunders, OSU's assistant vice president of media relations, confirmed to The Lantern in an email that "there is an ongoing investigation into alleged misconduct involving Ohio State students."
"As this is an ongoing investigation, the university is not at liberty to discuss the matter at this time," Saunders said in the email.
A few things:
*Tell Gayle Saunders to “HOYT THIS”! Count it.
*While most 18-19 year old college girls at Ohio would love to nail a football player, I doubt that many would want a train run on them.
*When asked to comment, TP said, "steal from you, steal from me; rape you, rape me."
*This has to be true because it happened to a school that I do not like.
*Trey Burke Sucks may suck, but at least he doesn’t force people to suck for him.
*Apparently that whole notion of “AP National Champs” last year stood for “Assault on Pussy”, right?
*I heard that after the alleged rape, the girl called for an ambulance but Braxton Miller had the hiccups and required all of them in central Ohio to drive him around until his gassiness subsided. Count it.
*These are Urban Meyer players. These are the kinds of people that he has always brought in to play for him and will continue to. You can take the asshole out of the SEC, but you can’t take the SEC out of the asshole.
*Any of you guys know names? Like I said, I heard that whoever Se’Von Pittman is was implicated but that might not be accurate.
*At least when Antonio Henton (two references this week!) is horny, he offers to pay.
*With this news and the bizarre Steubenville trial underway, it might be time for Ohio to claim the title of “America’s Rape State”.

DEATH TO THIS DIRTBAG PROGRAM!!! KILL THEM ALL!!! SOMEONE THINK OF THE INNOCENT VAGINAS!!! I assume that the comments will be littered with the turd suckers saying no big deal while everyone else competes for best joke. I’ve set the bar high with my contributions. Also: this was post #1900 here!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Who Will Earn The Crown For 2013 Offseason Champ?

Never Forget.
The NFL Free Agency has officially begun and is likely hot and heavy with action in its first 24 hours. Everyone keeps saying that the pool of available players is weak this year but who really gives a shit about that. It’s the chance for all of us to get shiny new toys! Well, slightly to heavily used toys that aren’t wanted anymore by their previous owner for a variety of reasons is probably a more apt statement. Ever since the hilarious Haynesworth debacle, the Redskins appear to have given up their “Offseason Champs” title (at least for the time being). That is disappointing because winning the Spring was always my favorite part of being a fan of a terrible franchise. But who will claim this year’s prize from the Eagles (two straight Offseason Championships!)? Well, we’ve got some contenders.

It sounds like the teams that will be the most active at the start are going to be the Lions, Colts, and Browns (as well as a few others). That makes sense because good teams usually don’t have ample cap room. When you draft well, you re-sign your picks. When you draft like shit, you let them go after their rookie contract (I’m looking at you, Ernie Sims and Gosder Cherilus and every Colts first round pick before last year of the last decade) is up. But it’s always fun to have gobs of money burning a hole in your team’s pocket because then you get to just assume that your front office will sign ALL of the big name free agents and you will then be a LOCK for multiple Super Bowl titles! OBVZ it doesn’t work that way but being a delusional fan is one of the best parts about being a fan.

We are well-balanced here when it comes to who we root for. Unless I’m forgetting someone, I think that we have at least one fan around here of the Skins, Eagles, Bears, Lions, Falcons, Rams (Hi –Rex!), Bills, Browns, Steelers, Bengals, and Jaguars (LOL JK). So today I simply pose the questions of what do you want your team and what do you expect your team to do in free agency?

As far as the Redskins go, the cap penalty leveed down because Giants President John Mara is a fucking bitch is going to hamper things quite a bit. While everyone other than Dallas gets to play around 123 million, the Skins are operating on a 105 million budget this season. So I don’t expect us doing anything in the first week or two. We’ll start picking up the phone once bargain season starts and teams begin signing those players that you’ve never heard of before. We need a RT but can’t afford any of the good ones and secondary help (please don’t go after Talib). So far, the team has been re-signing many of their own and I expect Fred Davis to head elsewhere and Lorenzo “LoRax” Alexander to go to Pittsburgh (he is a fucking stud special teamer who you hill-folk will love) as cap penalty casualties. That is sad but we haven’t practiced continuity around DC for a long time and I’ll take it.

Other predictions for the big names available:
*Mike Wallace goes to Minnesota instead of Miami
*Greg Jennings goes to Miami--probably not now
*Steven Jackson to Atlanta
*Wes Welker to Houston
*Jake Long to Chicago--Jermon Bushrod isn't good, sorry Prime
*Edward Reed to New England
*Ray Lewis to Hell
*Reggie Bush to Arizona
Jared Allen approves of guns, America, and this post.
Like I said, a simple post today where we can keep tabs on all of the dumb signings that teams do. Feel free to contribute what you want and don’t want for your team. I’ve got to be honest, I can’t wait for the Browns to sign Cliff Avril to some stupid ass contract because that dude has BUSTY BUST BUST written all over him. If the Lions don’t want a guy, neither should your team. That likely won't happen though now that you've got yourself a shiny new Paul Kruger which is a good signing simply because you can nickname him "Playground Equipment" while yelling K-UGER from the stands.  But just remember, no matter what your team does, it can’t be any worse than paying 31 million dollars to Brian Hartline.

It's 7:30 on the first day of Free Agency and I can safely say that we're down to Indianapolis and Miami as 2013's Offseason Champs!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Karma is a Beautiful Thing

Bad news: Out for the year.  Good news: He finally knows what a pussy feels like.

Over the weekend I ran into a curious predicament.  One that really made me put the thinking thong on.  I've already asked the opinion of a select few from the comment section so I'll open up the situation to see what the consensus is here.

The sitch:

My fantasy basketball team is already in the playoffs and cannot improve in playoff seeding regardless of what plays out in the last week of the season.  The team I'm facing in the final week (started yesterday) is the 5th highest scoring team, barely checks their roster and needs to beat me in order to make the playoffs.  Meanwhile, the top scoring team is facing the 4th highest scoring team.  The winner of that match up is in the playoffs and the loser is out as long as the team I play beats me.  If I win my match up then both teams from the other match up both make it no matter who wins in my match up.

The question:

Do I purposely tank my match up to get a weaker team in and keep a stronger team out? I play it out like I normally would and let the fantasy gods determine the fate of the teams involved?  SUB question...Is tanking on purpose dirty, shady, insert negative connotation here, or perfectly legal and socially acceptable?

For the record here are the responses I've received.

Iceman - TOTES fine to tank.  I'm just improving my chance at winning money.  It's strictly business and if you really deserved to be in the playoffs you should have handled your own business earlier in the year when you were losing to bottom feeders.  You're in that position for a reason and deserve to be at the mercy of the court.  MY fucking court.

G$ - Bad Karma.  You should fear no other man. (a man of few words and fewer brain cells and still fewer testicles)

BradyCakes - All is fair.  As long as you're not releasing top players for others to pick up (not sure why my playoff bound roster would be doing that but we are talking about BradyCakes, here) I think it's all good.  Dick move but legal.  Someone will probably be pissed at you for it but whatever.  They should have won another week to stay out of that scenario in the first place.  (It should be noted that Brady then told me he was getting back to his "2 Broke Girls" marathon).

Prime - Pretty dirty but who cares? (Not a lot to say for commenter of the year.  Pretty uneventful response if you ask me)

So what do the rest of you think?  I'm seriously curious where everyone stands on this issue.  For all of the fantasy sports we play collectively here, I'm sure there are vastly different opinions and I would love to know what you think and why.

In other news:

Suck my shit, G$.  This is what happens to the trollest of trollies.  You may seriously think that Trey Burke sucks because you huffed to many Kevin Milius farts in high school, but at least Burke's body isn't forged from the deteriorating vagina skin of Betty White.  The Cavs should make Irving wear a fucking dress for these next 3-4 weeks he's out being a dripping wet gash.  Is Irving ever going to play a full season?  Is Commenter Drew right when he says that Irving's whole body is made from Greg Oden's knees?  Do the Cavs spend a lottery pick on Trey Burke SICK so they can finally have a real PG with real man balls and huge guy cock?  Will the Cavs be more aggressive to sign Greg Oden so Irving has an ice bath buddy next year?  Does G$ TOTES deserve this?  Can we finally all agree that Pussy Irving is injury prone?  This is the best set of news I've heard in awhile.

Speaking of pussies and total dick bag shit lickers...Chris Wells was released yesterday!  HOOOO BOY!  What a career so far by a guy I'm sure BradyCakes anointed as the next Earl Campbell upon leaving Columbus for the NFL.  Only 24 years old and already time for the glue factory.  At least he has that Origami degree from Ohio University in Columbus to fall back on.  Unless you can name an NFL team in hot pursuit of a fat, slow running back with creaky knees and zero pass blocking ability.  I know...there's probably a lot of them out there! /fart noise.

Two things about this Harvin deal  First...people need to stop saying shit like "so and so is untradeable or we will not trade this guy".  Every fucking person has a price and it's just a matter of whether or not there is someone out there crazy enough to meet your demands.  You just look dumb as shit when you say Percy Harvin will not be traded, then trade him 6 months later.  Oh...and the reason Harvin wanted out is so LOLZ.  He claims Ponder sucks and wants a better QB.  Yeah, Ponder does kinda suck but I wouldn't be brow beating a guy who had you on pace to catch 111 balls last year and helped you reach your best statistical year to date.  Second...Seahawks are gonna be pretty God damn sick next year.  I'm sure they're Cowfucker's preseason Super Bowl favorite.  Lock it up.

The 49ers love old wide receivers with deteriorating skills.  Welcome to San Francisco, Anquan Boldin.  You're the new Randy Moss with less West Virginia.  And that was a total BRAH move by Ozzie Newsome to score at least a 7th round pick for a guy they were going to release anyway.  CLASSIC!

That's all I've got, boys.  Feel free to discuss other NFL off season moves like the Redskins cutting the BEST GOD DAMN DB IN THE FUCKING LEAGUE DeAngelo Hall or the Pats trying to sign future murderer Aqib Talib to a long term deal.  And please let's not forget to repeatedly remind G$ today that terrible things happen to terrible people who constantly troll great players like Trey Burke SICK.  REAP IT!

Betting Tips on the NFL

Already the clubs and sports betters are beginning to think about the upcoming NFL season, and already it is possible to get odds and predictions for both the AFC and NFC divisions, as well as for the Super Bowl itself – despite the fact that the new season doesn’t actually kick off until September. Betting futures like this is common when it comes to sports betting, but it is useful for anyone doing so to have some tips to help guide them.

One of the most important tips is to consider waiting before actually placing your bet on the winner of the AFC, NFC and Super Bowl. At the moment it is the New England Patriots who are the hot favourites to win both the AFC and the Super Bowl, but if you hold off on your bet, you will be able to see whether they or other hotly tipped teams deliver. If they do, the odds will stay roughly the same, while if they don’t you will avoid a costly mistake. If you can’t wait until later in the season to place your bet, then it can at least be advisable to wait until after the draft in April – to see what moves the teams make to strengthen their sides for the new season.

After all, for those impatient to get betting on the NFL again, there is always an NFL themed slots game like $5 Million Touchdown at an online casino to keep you amused while you wait to see how things shape up for the new season. This game, which you can play at, is named after the maximum jackpot you can win by playing it – although the ‘Touchdown’ part of the name comes from the great bonus game, where you have to pass a football from one player to another, accumulating bonus credits, until you either drop it (in which case you lose) or score a touchdown (where you win). Throw in real icons that will be instantly recognizable to any NFL fans, including players, cheerleaders, footballs and referees whistles, and you have the perfect game to play while you are waiting to place that NFL bet.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Weekend Wrap-Up

The Great Chili/Beans Debate has gotten violent.
I finally went out and bought a new porn viewer/laptop on Saturday.  Best Buy has some decent sales going on right now for what I require (not much) so I went down there to pick one up.  Of course, they were out of stock because Best Buy is a shitty place.  So some dumbfuck is ringing me up and ordering what I want for me and here comes the add-on gouging.  The look of dejection on his face when I denied him commissions on the warranty and Geek Squad services was tremendous.  I just want the computer; not any of your other bullshit.  As a reminder, don't purchase anything additional that places like that offer.  They are always full of shit.  How about a quick rundown of the weekend?

*Tiger Woods, son - Forever the best.  I can't wait for him to shit all over Augusta this year.

*You're the best around, nothings ever gonna keep ya down - Mariano Rivera trotted out his unattractive family to announce that 2013 would be his last year.  That's fine.  Dude has earned the right to leave on his own terms.  He may not agree, but Mo is without question the best closer of all time and you could probably make a decent case that he is one of the most dominant pitchers ever.  It's just unfortunate that he is only going to get 10-12 save opportunities this season.

*Mexicans LOL - I don't care about the World Baseball Classic because it doesn't appear that any decent American pitchers do either.  But the brawl between Canada and Mexico on Saturday was just terrific.  Larry Walker said that he saw Satan in the eyes of Alfredo Aceves.  That's great.  And the best part about it all was that it began because the Mexicans didn't understand the rules of pool play. 

*Suck my flag pole, Red Wings! - Major LULZ to the Drew, the Sauls, and the rest of those pricks up north for getting their asses kicked by the CBJ this year in the season series.  WE OWN YOU.  While reminding Drew that he roots for a shit hockey team after Saturday's dominating performance, he embarrassed himself by pointing to the standings as if that is how you judge who is better.  I don't care if you're better at beating Calgary and Phoenix than we are.  I do care that we are 3-0-1 versus our division rival (I am writing this before the season finale this evening).  That's a large enough sample size to determine who is better.  WE ARE, SON!  In fact, WE ON!  At least the NHL finally gave in to your constant whining and moved you out of our division though.  You are a bunch of scared twats.  CUP OR BUST!  By bust, I mean let's go to Private Dancer if we don't win the Cup.

***Sunday Night Update***  SWEEP, FUCKOS!  Let there be no doubt.  We are the better team.  4-0-1.  I wish that we could play those losers every day.

*Do it, Stumpy, do it - Deadspin is reporting that someone close to The Blade Murderer says that Pistorius is suicidal.  I'm rooting for this.  You don't have thoughts like this if you aren't guiltier than Antonio Henton trying to buy an undercover cop's mouth for 19 bucks (ELITE reference!).

*James Harrison is taking his dirty play elsewhere - It's about time for the most Raiders-like non-Raider in the league to join the Raiders.  What will Dick LeBeau do with all those extra yards that he won't give away?  Actually, those will probably just switch over to William Gay PI calls.

*The Big Ten has been decided - The best conference in the land this season has concluded.  I may or may not update this portion after the IU/WE ON game (looks like Ohio is going to beat Illinoise).  Probably not.  My laziness is legendary.  Anyway, here is my first team all conference:
C Cody Zeller; PF Buckets Thomas; SF Victor Oladipo; SG Gary Harris; PG Aaron Craft
This team would not lose.  DEAL WITH IT.  Trey Burke Sucks.  Update after that game, my suspicions were confirmed...Burke is ass.  He proved it tonight.  It isn't trolling if it's true.  How about a few more possessions of no passing?  I rule.

That should be enough to get things rolling until Zombie Time.  In conclusion, yesterday was my dog's birthday and I am absolutely furious that BradyCakes didn't stop by with a cake or presents.  This is the sort of thing that he truly loves to celebrate.  What a jerk.

Friday, March 08, 2013

Who Wants To Help Me Beat These Dead Horses?

Johnny and Megan have 4 words for ya...THUMBS UP MIKE UTLEY!
We are all painfully aware that, until conference tournaments really start to pick up steam next week, we are still caught up that barren wind-swept moonscape (Peter King alert!) of a sports dead zone. It sucks. There aren’t enough food post ideas to help carry us through. Unfortunately, ESPN is in the same boat with nothing to talk about which is why you get to see every Harlem Shake video and people screaming about LeBron’s dunks during warm-ups. Just terrible stuff. So today, we’re going to grab that imaginary carbon rod and keep beating that dead horse! I’ve got my own opinions on the three big stories that you can’t avoid on SportsCenter (or Sportscentre if you are a Canuck bastard).

The Miami Heat have won 16 in a row – Yawn, whatever. They have the talent to win 70 games if they wanted to. Stop telling me that this is some huge achievement when we all know that the NBA regular season is worthless to teams like the Heat. The Bucks? Yeah, every game means something to them, but not Souf Beach. I understand that since Disney has a huge stake in the NBA, they are going to stuff it down our throats and they’ve done a great job with that over the last few years (see: daily breakdowns of the Lakers) but I give no fucks. Absolutely no one should be saying ridiculous things (such as the Pistons making the playoffs) like the Heat’s current run is better than…

The Chicago Blackhawks have recorded at least one point in all 24 games this season – THIS is an achievement. THIS should be leading off every show. They are freaking 21-0-3! This is the biggest story in all of sports right now and should be treated as such (unless you count all of the hilarious injuries to the Yankees…we’re going to win a total of 16 games this year). I like seeing Barry Melrose every night. I like ESPN acknowledging that the NHL exists even if it doesn’t have any financial gain for them at all. After they shit all over the fans this year, this is exactly what the game needs…eyes. Yes, attendance and ratings are up which doesn’t make Bettman look nearly as much a fool as he should but the league needed a reason for Joe The Plumber to tune in. They have it. I hope that the Blackhawks win every night. I want them to keep it rolling (those bad ass jerseys help). They come to Columbus in 6 days and I can’t wait. I wish that I had tickets. WE’RE GOING TO BE THE LOSS! Good for the Hawks and it’s nice to see them get the attention that they deserve BUT they aren’t winning The Cup this year. It has nothing to do with their black goalie either; just that eventually they are going to get ice cold and not catch any breaks.

Johnny Football is too much of a celebrity – Ugh, what an awful story. Poor baby got to win the Heisman as a freshman (but not the Wiseman!). Then he was able to score courtside NBA seats and meet every celebrity on the planet. Then he couldn’t leave his dorm room without being mobbed. Then he trademarked “Johnny Football” and is starting to sue everyone that puts the name on a tee shirt. Then he could only take online classes because being out in public became too much to handle. And now he’s talking to Herbie about how he will consider going to the NFL after this season. For a guy who hates the spotlight some times, he sure does love the spotlight all the other times. I like Manziel. I think that the Aggies are a dark horse national title contender this year. I think that he is way better than Braxton Miller (needed to be said although it sounds like BM’s mechanics are a lot better from reports out of spring ball). But enough with the whining already. Go to fucking class. Crush all the ass. Make every pass. Smoke all the grass? Don’t listen to Nas? Whatever happened to Kevin Bass? Just shut up.

That’s going to do it for this site for the week. Don’t forget to tip your writers. By the way, if the Jackets log one point in their weekend series with the Wings, they will have won the season series for the first time in franchise history. LOL Wings! Carry it!

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Open Forum: Condiments!

Bad quarterback but excellent condiment artist.  Notice the lack of catsup, terrorists.
It’s going to be tough to top the greatness of yesterday’s Rupe-filled post (featuring me putting Iceman in his place yet again) so I’m not going to try to. It helps that I’m nursing a real bitch of a cold right now and my bloggin’ energy is running low. So I’m just going to fire up a quick food-based post that is equal parts important, thought-provoking, recommended by Prime after Chili-Gate, and stolen from an old Deadspin Funbag.

So let’s pose that same question: You are allowed only five condiments to use for the rest of your life. No more and no less. If you have any debate about whether or not something counts as a condiment, than it does count. What are you choosing?

OK, so this is a tough call. You have to consider all of your food options. I don’t eat breakfast so not needing any jellies or syrups is a huge plus. I really want to add that cup of butter that Papa John’s gives out because it is bananas but those things shave a decade off your life with every dunk. What about beef? Chicken? RIBS? Pork? Sandwiches? Potatoes? Can I live the rest of my life without chocolate milk? Oh God, why would someone want me to live without chocolate milk! Here is what I came up with:

1. Mustard – Regular is fine and it goes with everything
2. Horsey Sauce – Perfect for sandwiches and cleaning out your sinuses
3. Frank’s Red Hot – I chose this over salsa and the highly underrated taco sauce. I may regret that down the road.
4. Marinara sauce – Now you just added pizza, pasta, and meatball sandwiches to the rest of your life. You’re welcome. Also: chicken parmesan is terrific.
5. Ranch dressing – Just in case you ever feel the need to eat a salad, your bases are covered now. Plus, ranch makes a decent gravy for mashed taters if you’re in a pinch. Ranch makes everything better.

You’ll notice that I didn’t include ketchup because it was never considered. Why? Well, I’m not an 8 year old and ketchup literally goes with nothing other than French fries. You don’t put it on hot dogs EVER. It isn’t needed for burgers. If you dip nuggets into catsup, you should be jailed. Yet ketchup always comes in a 400 ounce bottle. Why is that? Only little kids like ketchup. It’s time to be a man and start putting big boy condiments on your food.

Also, there appears to be some sort of backlash at mayo (or BIG MAYO as Magary likes to put it). I don’t think that mayo is nasty. That doesn’t mean that I’m slathering all of my deli sandwiches with Miracle Whip (or the vastly superior Hellmann’s) but I don’t get all the hate. I personally love to have semen-looking things in my mouth.

Do they still make Grey Poupon? That stuff wasn’t nearly as good as the commercials made it seem. I didn’t even feel like a big shot when I ate it. I also left off BBQ sauce. I’m sure that someone will hate on me for that. I don’t care. So let’s open up the phone lines for some talk on toppings today and I’ll be off taking shots of DayQuil in the corner. My apologies if you don’t care for this post. It will be the last time that I listen to Prime.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Today is LOLDAY...You'll See Why

U wanna massage?
As promised, today I’m going to unleash a handful of quotes from the brilliant Facebook chat between Tonya and J-Rupe. You will have to wait until the end though to get to those beauties. With that in mind, I have decided to just declare today as LOLDAY. There isn’t going to be much as far as ELITE blogging content goes, but many chortles will be had by all. And to begin today’s post, how about some news from Ide’s favorite band! Train has canceled a concert that they had scheduled for the Boy Scouts due to BSA’s refusal to lift their ban on gays. LULZ! Tough shit, Ide! Other contributions to LOLDAY include:

*Rory McIlroy quit a tournament over the weekend due to a tooth ache. Just a reminder that Tiger won the US Open with a ripped up knee. LOL!

*Anyone who participates in a Harlem Shake video or thinks that they are cute/funny. They are dumber than a day old minority. LOL!

*The Cubs opening day starter is Jeff Samardzija. DOUBLE LOL!

*Have you seen that new video by The Golf Boys? How many times did they have to re-shoot a scene because Bubba Watson was crying like a pussy? LOL!

*Mike Trout showing up to Spring Training looking like Miguel Cabrera and then stupid people whining about his contract. LOLZ!

*ESPN gave Mike Lupica his own national radio show even though he is the fucking worst. LOLOLOLOL!

*Serge Ibaka speed-bagging Blake Griffin’s ballbag! I’m liking how basketball is becoming less of a game of skill and more of a contest on who can punch the other person’s gonads harder. LULZ!

*Dennis Rodman: International Goodwill Ambassador! That Greek midget calling him a dipshit on TV was about the most fitting way for that story to end. LOL!

*The Marine 3: Homefront was released on Blu-Ray yesterday. It stars The Miz because that makes sense. How the hell did the guy that played Robert Quarles on Justified end up following that terrific role with a movie starring Mike Mizanin? LOL!

*Whoever lost last night’s IU/Ohio Buckeyes game! Also LOL-worthy is the Ohio Buckeyes football schedule this year but you already knew that. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

And now we have reached the main event. This is Tonya’s finest contribution to this site since she started showing up around here to deflect all of Drew’s sexual harassment. The full transcript is available upon request, but here are my Fave Five J-Rupe quotes from he and T-Sizzle’s torrid internet love affair. The spelling and grammar are fucking horrific as you would expect.

-I wanna od or cut myself. I feel that bad
-I havent touched a girl for 2 yrs. Thats the truth. I need u to break me in lol
-I just dont fuck no more i mean i could get it everyday if i want but im not like that. So do ya wanna have some fun?
-Well then come over i will keep u very busy;). Now dont get scared of bigdaddy now lol
-So if id cum fast can u still get me hard:). Get ur ass over here than i will keep u wide awake and u wont be tired till a few hrs later:)

WHO SAYS THAT TO A STRANGER!!! J-RUPE SON!  Gentlemen, this is how a true Casanova interacts with the opposite sex. I can’t think of a better way to end LOLDAY. J-Rupe 4 Life/Death…whichever he decides. Tonya sure knows how to pick winners…

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Sign of the Apocalypse

"You fuckin serious?? They agreed to that shit?!"

A quick tip from my weekend.  If you don't want your white long sleeve button up ruined...don't wear it around a ton of drunk assholes at a hockey game.  And if you see someone spill a drink on a guy by complete accident, mind your own fucking business instead of being a God damn tattle tale.  Is it "tail" or "tale" have a tail or you're telling a tale?  Eh...fuck it.  Who cares.  Just stop being a whiny cunt.  Today let's take a little trip around the NFL and shit talk the most recent moves being made, shall we?

Sweet sacks of pig shit!  By now I'm sure you've all seen the L to the O to the LZ contract the Ravens just fucking gift wrapped for Joe Crappo.  Flacco is ass.  I'm sorry...he is.  Actually I'm not sorry.  Look at his numbers.  Since you're all lazy dick lickers I'll conveniently post them for you.  In 2012:

19th in completion percentage
14th in passing yards
14th in yards per attempt
15th in passing touchdowns
24th in interceptions thrown
8th in number of times sacked

I don't give a finger blasting fuck if he was a Super Bowl winner this year.  There isn't a more average QB in the NFL.  Okay...outside of Eli Manning.  You guys got me there.  The fact that Flacco is the highest paid quarterback in the league is a fucking disgrace to the game.  Flacco is the Gilbert Arenas of the NFL...but with fewer guns and more plaid lumberjack shirts.  Why am I so pissed about this?  The Ravens just fucked themselves for the next 6 years.  I guess I just hate when mediocre is celebrated.

Yesterday the Chiefs made Dustin Colquitt the NFL's highest paid punter after giving him...are you ready for this shit?  Nineteen million over five years and 9 million guaranteed.  Somewhere Kevin Milius is in a fist pumping frenzy over this news.  RESPECT THE SPECIAL TEAMS DAG NABBIT!!  But should have just burned that money or used it for something fun.  Like filling up a city pool with pudding or taking a trip to the fucking moon or something.  No punter, I repeat, NO FUCKING PUNTER is worth that coin.  There are 124 FBS schools in the country.  That means there are 124 guys who could probably do that same job for a fraction of the cost.  I can't wait for someone today to tell me how UNDERRATED NFL punters are.  Sounds like an Ace thi....wait!  No.  Definitely a BradyCakes thing.

Speaking of LOLZ Chiefs things.  Kansas City signed Dwayne Bowe to a 5 year deal reported worth roughly 11 mil a season.  Hilarious!  Here is how I imagine this went down.

Guy 1: What do you think about resigning Bowe?
Guy 2: You mean the guy who has been bitching since his rookie year about getting the hell out of here?
Guy 1: Yeah.  I was thinking like 9 million a year over the next 5...
Guy 2: You know he hates it here, right?
Guy 1: /thinking.....You're right.  Let's make it 11 million.

I'm stunned a team that rewards a bitchy malcontent and gives a punter a fucking king's ransom was smart enough to sever ties with a "stud" like Cassel.  But then again they are planning on bringing in Cassel 2.0 to replace him.  Reportedly.

That does it for me.  Short and sweet today because I'm out of ideas and I've had a HELL of a week.  And it's only Tuesday.  There is a lot of speculation out there right now with hot free agent names.  Feel free to discuss ELITE moves that will happen in the future.  Like Greg Jennings to the Browns and Reggie Bush to the Lions (LOL).  And don't forget to call BradyCakes by his new nickname from now on.  Credit Prime.