Thursday, February 07, 2013

The Super BRAH Never Ends...

The Super Bowl may be decided, but the Battle of the BRAHs never ends.  We bring you to the only Chi Chi's still in existence (we'll say that it's in Toledo) where the boys are back home after a long and grueling season...

Juan the Host: Hola amigos!

(John leads a man in an assless gimp suit into the restaurant by a leash attached to a rhinestone collar)

John: I've already heard enough from you, Luis Guzman.  We're not doing this again.  We're taking that table in the middle of this anal afterbirth of a restaurant.

Juan: Senor, I don't think that we can serve you and your...friend.

John: You will do as your told.  Do you know who I am?  You bow down to me now or I'll come back with Ray Lewis and you do NOT want that, haaaay-zeus.

Juan: Fine, we don't need another scene.

John: Oh, you're going to get a scene, Nacho Libre.  Just sit back and enjoy the donkey show.

(John leads the gimp to the center table and lights up a footlong cigar)

Jim: Bro, you got what you wanted.  Do I have to wear this suit?  I look like the finest Catwoman ever created.  This is not befitting of a man with my reputation.  I've got a cut-off denim shirt in my Camaro.

John: You agreed to the bet, pale n****r.  You lose the Super Bowl to your huge-dicked broseph, you pay your debt.  Oh, look at those burro jockeys over there.  They want to ask me to put out this champion cigar.  I'll put it out on their cunts.  YOU KEEP YOUR ASSES WHERE THEY ARE, JUAN TORRES, YOUR LAWS DO NOT APPLY TO KINGS!

Jim: Please, John, I'm humbled enough.  You don't have to do this.

John: Humble?  You?  What happened to the "genius" who benched his twat QB in favor of some convicted felon?  I hope that that half-breed taught you a thing or six about prison because those lessons will come in handy here in a few minutes.  Oh Sammy!  Sammy Sosa!  We're ready to order over here.

Pablo: Que?  You two never actually make it to the dinner portion of your trip here.

Jim: I may be dressed like a sex slave, but I'm not going to hear any lip from no slippery back so write down whatever garbage my BRAH orders and I don't want any of your Hispanic dandruff in it either. And you better not be writing this down in tomato juice either.

John: Ignore my slave, Pele, his opinion does not matter today.  I don't want anything because I don't enjoy violent diarrhea.  Jim would like to buy everyone here a Smirnoff Ice that he will most definitely not be paying for and neither will I so just throw them on that black family's tab.  That could be amusing.  Jimbo here would like a cobb salad with dressing on the side and a water with lemon because HE IS A FAGGOT!

Jim: Brother, please, I beg you...

John: No, I'm not done, camel gash.  EXCUSE ME!  EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!  CHAMPION HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT!  You have all just been iced by my loser pillow-biting brother.  He's not so big and bad in that black leather queer suit, is he?  All of you must chug--even the children--or you will chug my butt.  There are no exceptions.  Prove to me that you are a future champion, little nipple nibblers!  This toast is for my great Ravens team and my own brilliant mind.  WE DID IT!  Did you all see that fake field goal?  NO ONE SAW THAT COMING!  I OWN THIS FAMILY!!!

(everyone finishes off their Ice)

John: Now everyone get in a line and remind my pussy little brother about how much he sucks and how inferior he is to ME!  I am a Football God!  Mom and Dad should have just named you Marv Levy BRAH for all the Super Bowl losses that you are racking up, baby dick!

Jim: THAT'S FUCKING IT!  YOU CHEATED!  THAT WAS A HOLD!  THAT WAS A HOLD!  EVERYONE SAW IT!  I PAID BRANDON JACOBS' WORTHLESS ASS HANDSOMELY TO THROW TWO HOMELESS GUYS INTO THE SUPERDOME TRANSFORMER AT HALFTIME TO CHANGE MOMENTUM BUT YOUR CHEATING STILL WAS TOO GREAT TO OVERCOME!  YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME! WHY AM I WEARING A RED MARKER AROUND MY NECK!  I'LL KILL EVERYONE IN HERE RIGHT NOW!  WHERE'S DAVID AKERS?  HE'S FIRST!  THAT WAS A HOLD!  THAT WAS A MOTHERFUCKING HOLD!

(Jim has ten non-fatal strokes simultaneously while ripping the head off an innocent man at the next table and is drinking his blood as Jack Harbaugh enters)

Jack: Boys!  What the heck is going on here?  James, you will not be killing anyone tonight.  Well, you won't be killing anyone else tonight.  And what the bloody hell are you wearing?

Jim: But he cheated, dad!  Do something!  It's not fair!  If you don't get Goodell to hand me my rightful Super Bowl then I am going to start flinging shit around this awful place.  This suit is actually pretty comfortable though.  He wouldn't let me wear the ball gag because Johnny is an ASSHOLE.

(John walks over to a table and takes the tip)

John: Damn right, just adding to the winner's share of the Super Bowl payouts.

Crean: Did anyone call for an awesomely parted hair cut???

John: QUEERBAIT!
Jack: Hello, Tom!
Jim: I hate your fucking guts.

Crean: I'm just happy that you fine fellows finally asked me to one of your boy's nights out!  I always got the feeling that you didn't like me.  What are you wearing, Jim?

Jim: I'm wearing your daughter's broken hymen.  Your invitation must have been a mistake.  Your breath smells like dead pussy. 
Jack: What does your mother have to do with this?

John: GOOD ONE, POP!  No, Tom, you're here for a reason.  And not just to remind us all what our sister's vagina smells like.  When the cops show up--and they will--you're taking the blame for everything.  I invited you all here not just to laugh at Brother Jim's terrible coaching or his ridiculous leather sex suit, but for more sinister reasons.  You see, the BRAHs had a little wager on the Super Bowl and you are about to witness the punishment for the bitch loser.

Jim: John, no.  They don't need to see this, bro-heem.

John: Oh yes they certainly goddamn do.

Pablo: Cobb salad for the lady...

Crean: HE'S GOT A KNIFE!

John: He's about to get a cob.

(John stands up and takes off his purple camouflage pants to unveil a foot long throbber)

John: Bend over, broseph, it's time for you to get your Super Bowl trophy.  The BRAHs don't fuck around.  Loser takes the winner the ass!

Jack: JOHN, NO!  This is not normal behavior! This is not the way that you were raised!  Your brother was--but not YOU!

Crean: Seriously--

John: Fuck off, piss boy, you're going to have the same bet for the NCAA tournament with Dad.  If you cut down the rim panties in April, you will wear his ass out at Applebee's.  If not, well--just watch what a full-blooded BRAH can do to a quivering virgin ass.

Jim: John, please, this doesn't need to happen.

John: Bend over and show me that turd cutter.  You can use that cobb salad as a head rest and a place to store your tears.  There WILL be tears.  I can assure you that this will not feel good.

Jack: John, for the last time, what are you doing!!!

(entire restaurant falls deathly silent as no one can look away from the Super Bowl winning coach mounting his sex slave brother while his dad and brother-in-law watch in complete horror)

John: I'm going to Shit-neyland.

Jim: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

At that moment, like all nights out with the BRAHs, the SWAT team comes bursting through all of the windows and everyone was arrested.  The next day, Chi Chi's was closed for good.  And the path of destruction for the BRAHs continues.  Until next time...

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

I always love these adn this one did not disappoint. Best one yet.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

You are one sick fucker. In a good way.

GMoney said...

Whew, I was worried that I might not be up to par with the originator of the BRAHs. I will say that I really like the idea of the SWAT team breaking up all of their meetings.

I can't say this often because those guys are innovators, but our BRAHS are way better than KSK's Harbs. Yeah, I said it.

Prime99 said...

The BRAHs ICE an entire restaurant and John anally rapes Jim? Who doesn't like that type of family fun?!

The Iceman said...

Bravo. I love how Crean Pie assumes that every mexican has a knife at all times. This was a fine addition to the BRAH saga. We should publish the first official BRAH book in the next year.

I got a text from Brady last night around 11 gushing about Urb's draft class. Just in case anyone needed reminding of how much Brady sucks.

Heard on the radio yesterday that Flacco's agent wants him to be the highest paid QB in the NFL. After I nearly wrecked my car I almost passed out from bellowing laughter. That's like making Ahmad Bradshaw the NFL's highest paid running back.

GMoney said...

Prime, it was not determined if Jim was penetrated before the police showed up. That is for the readers to decide. It's like the ending of The Sopranos.

It would have been easy to make Crean Pie even more insane than the BRAHs but I went with a more subdued and eager-to-please Crean Pie instead. But he does assume that all Mexicans are out to stab him at all times.

Flacco's agent also makes outrageous claims like how he invented the question mark. But why not say that? Peyton makes 20 million a year and Flacco is already way better than neckAIDS is.

By the way, and someone correct me if I'm wrong, I'm pretty sure that after the Aaron Craft offensive LOLfest on Tuesday night, the UM PA announcer said the final score was UM 76, OHIO 74. Is this accurate? If so, that is great.

Also, I had the misfortune of listening to a few minutes of the Urb call-in show yesterday and he actually yelled at Paul Keels for saying Michigan instead of "HURR DURR UP NORF" or whatever stupid thing he wants. Hilarious.

The Iceman said...

The hypocrisy of Ohio fans defending Urb on this one will mirror the hilarity of Brady ripping on Michigan's uniforms via twitter the other night...then realizing Ohio's uniforms in the same game were an Air Force rip off. Potato Nose Matta wants to be Air Force. LOL!

Mr. Ace said...

Brah's are great company.

G$, I was also in my car during that interview. The fact that even Urbz is all butt hurt about the Ohio/TTUN is hilarious. Even after all their success the inferiority complex is still strong in Fuckeye Nation.

G$, Trey Burke underrated, overrated, or rated? Lets settle this once and for all.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, UM PA referred to OSU as Ohio all game, apparently. I guess it's a thing, that even around here, people think is funny and grating on the OSU fanbase. I actually think its a pretty desperate attempt at a pretty unfunny and unimaginative dig. Especially, since OU gave UM a nice blumpkin last tourney, I don't see what the plus is for UM types to do it (/cough Iceman).

Ide

GMoney said...

It's funny because it turns most of you into liars. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME EVEN THOUGH IT OBVZ DOES AND LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME CONSTANTLY TO DISPROVE MY POINT! That's just good assholery. On the other hand, TTUN doesn't bother anyone and makes you look like unoriginal poops.

The fact that we constantly talk about this is proof, isn't it?

Still sticking with OVERRATED on Burke. He got undressed by a whitey too much the other night.

Mr. Ace said...

Ugh, who the fuck are the Eagles hiring? In Chip I Trust...but fuck.

Ice Man said...

"I don't see what the plus is for UM types to do it (/cough Iceman)."

Because it clearly bothers you. See: Comment, G$'s previous. That pretty much sums it up.

Still OVERRATED?? You are out of your mind. Craft is undisputedly one of the best defenders in all of college basketball. Are we all agreeing on this? If that's the case then how can you say a guy coming damn close to putting up his season average in points and hitting his season average in assists on one of the nation's best individual defenders is OVERRATED? Not to mention the fact Burke shot over 50% from the field and hit the biggest shot of the game directly in Craft's eyeball in OT. I know you're smarter than this, G$. Give the man his due as one of the nation's best players.

Anonymous said...

Well, you did bring it up...

Also, this was the first time I have ever addressed it, though, I did notice a lot of people on facebook talking about it. However, that usually included retarded comments on how they didn't get why they were doing it.

TTUN is fairly original since Woody said it back before any of us (haha not Grump) were born. And since, well everyone, credits Woody for exponentially taking that rivalry to new heights, I'd give him credit as the original not call the rivalry team by their name.

Therefor, since TTUN was the original, and it's been often duplicated, all other's should be deemed unoriginal. Perhaps, special exemption can be made for Pat Knight, because he is an OSU alum, hates minorities, and presumably (hopefully) beats women.

So you are the unoriginal ones, you.

Burke was totes OVERRATED, however, their shoddy overtime strategy was much better than our shoddy overtime strategy which included the UNELITE plan to not give Buckets the ball.

Ide

Jeff said...

"HURR DURR UP NORF"

Was Jerome Boger filling in for Urban on the call in show last night?

GMoney said...

Pat Knight knows nothing. LOL at you referencing the coach at Lamar which is probably your favorite school.

Until Craft can stop me from getting to the tin, I can't say that he's a great defender. He seems good, but I'm quite certain that I'd dunk the red out of his fag cheeks.

Trey Burke sucks. Bring back Stu Douglass and maybe UM could be a contender.

Jeff said...

The Michigan band was the first to do "Script Ohio", Princeton was the first team to have "winged helmets", Penn State was the first to use Seven Nation Army(i think), and Ides great great great great great grandfather was the first to own and whip a slave. A bunch of unoriginal fucks we all are, except Ides family did get something right...

Ice Man said...

G$ thinks Flacco > Peyton Manning and also that Trey Burke "sucks". Whatever you say, Skip Bayless.

Merrill Hoge said...

I agree with everything G$ says. In fact, I think that Joe Flacco is the best quarterback in the National Football League. Look at how big my tie knots are!

This Trey Burke kid is OK but there is no way that he's better than Greg Paulus was.

GMoney said...

I believe that the BRAH saga is incredibly original and originally incredible.

Me trolling dipshits...it's not just for Fuckeye fans anymore.

Anonymous said...

Yeah it bothers me. So what? Wanna fight about it? It bothers me when inferior teams and coaches try to get under the skin of their supperior and less fat rival. Especially when you look ridiculous in the process...You lost to fucking Ohio in the tournament you dipshits! How does anyone not see how stupid this sounds?!

-Damman

Mr. Ace said...

LOLZ Damman. It's comments like that that keep it alive. Fuckeyes and their Napoleon complex is hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Ide- If beating women is wrong, I don't want to be right

Ray Pruitt

Anonymous said...

I'm assuming Napoleon complex has something to do with the fact many people here are from Napoleon. I'd hate for you to misuse that word when regarding to the biggest college in the nation (with a vastly superior record against our chief rivals and all MAC schools the past 10+ years).

Ide

Anonymous said...

If you guys hadn't lost to OU in the tourney last year, it wouldn't bother me near as much. It's just so ridiculous for your basketball coach and program try to put down your rival by calling them the team that ENDED YOUR BASKETBALL SEASON last year. I just...I don't understand it.

-Damman

Grumpy said...

In all fairness and for the sake of historical accuracy, the Michigan/Ohio rivalry was no big deal until Bo (Miami man) arrived in Ann Arbor in 1969.

Ace said...

Ide, that's the whole point. You are an enormous athletic institution, and yet, when it comes to Michigan, the Fuckeyes have this hilarious Napoleon complex. Your psyche is so fragile that being called OHIO by your rival infuriates you and causes panties to bunch. Hilarious.

It's like Michigan is your daddy and you so desparately need your daddy to call you by your real name and be proud of what you have done, but he still calls you boy and you go upstairs to your room and listen to emo music and cry while making a youtube video. I FUCKING LOVE IT!

GMoney said...

At least Damman is honest. He's sounding an awful lot like a Jim Harbaugh doppleganger!

What Ape is saying is that Ohio Buckeye fans are all a bunch of "Leave Britney Alone" people. That's a tremendous analogy.

I don't know what this Napoleon Complex (I do but go with it anyway), but I do have a t-shirt stating that I have a NAPOLEON ATTITUDE. That is not to be confused with "It's An Attitude" though.

Ray Pruitt needs to comment more often.

Trey Burke is the worst. He's so bad that even the Ohio Buckeyes didn't want him.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about your daddy, buy mine wouldn't let me win 10/12 in football and 17/22 in basketball. If TTUN is like "ohio's" dad, he must be a huge pussy!

Not sure how you say osu has an inferiority complex? I think we all understand that osu is and will continue to be the class of the B1G I'm football and will be competitive in basketball.

Dut

Nate said...

I think the whole rivalry name thing is stupid, no matter which side of the fence you're on.

I think I will start referring to Defiance as "TTFMSWO24WTMHASKPWF"


(That Team Fifteen Miles Southwest on 24 Where the Movie House Arrest Starring Kevin Pollack Was Filmed)

Anonymous said...

"Your psyche is so fragile that being called OHIO by your rival infuriates you and causes panties to bunch. Hilarious."

We just don't get it. It's not infuriating, it's baffling. For an institution that apparently has a much better educational value (not their fans, 95% of which couldn't pass ENG101 at UM), this goes against all quantifiable logic. You are calling somebody who is better than you, something, that while may be worse than them, is still better than you.

That is like a $1 bill calling a $10 bill a $5 dollar bill, then going "HARF HARF WE GOT YOU GOOD, LOOK HOW MAD YOU ARE!"

Ide

GMoney said...

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY TO BEAT TTFMSWO24WTMHASKPWF!!!

Today's theme is apparently "U MAD BRO?"

Ace said...

Roger is a huge pussy.

This topic doesn't continue to be brought because nobody cares. The Fuckeyes have been a dominant force in the Big Ten, yet fans(95% of which barely qualify as humans)can't help but get butt hurt and puff out there chests when referred to as Ohio. I don't get it.

GMoney said...

What is so baffling about pissing off your rival anyway? Why must a team that you have zero effect on have so much say regarding who you shit-talk?

I think we can all agree that the Steelers are way better than the Browns. Are Browns fans not allowed to call the Steelers white trash because they are inferior? OF COURSE NOT BECAUSE THAT IS INSANE!

One of you will always be "Ohio" and the other will always be "TTUN" or whatever. However the games play out doesn't change anything. It isn't that hard.

The Michigan band was the first to do "Script Ohio", --Thanks to Jeff, now we know for sure that Michigan was the first to start trolling. DEAL WITH IT.