Friday, February 22, 2013

The Award For Best Animated Shart Goes To...

This is what the award looks like...it will triple deke the shit out of you, too
As a reminder to all of us men out there, The Academy Awards take place on Sunday night. If you prefer bean-less chili though, you already knew that because you are "light in the loafers" as one might say. I don’t particularly care all that much for the Oscars. I’ve seen one best picture nominee this year (Argo…GO ARGO!) so I’m not really invested in anything. I usually try to catch the opening monologue (Seth McFarlane should be amusing) and see how sexy someone like Jennifer Lawrence is looking, but that’s about it. Oh, J-Law, if Anne Hathaway ever dumps me, I am so in you.

Anyway, since I don’t know anything about the nominated movies this year, why shouldn’t I host my own award show? What I do know a lot about is Sports Movies. Oh man, do I know a lot about these. So how about we head into the weekend with me acknowledging the best of the best (and worst of the worst) when it comes to Sports Cinema! We need a snappy name though…let’s see…got it.

THE BOMBAYS! Nailed it. Let’s hand out our Bombays then.

Best Supporting Actor: Charles S. Dutton, Rudy – There were so many quality options here that my mind nearly exploded between Ted Knight, Tom Berenger, and Adam “Cake Eater” Banks off the top of my head, I went with the best actor and Roc is the best. He nearly saved Rudy from being an over-produced collection of the worst lies.
Worst Supporting Actor: Daniel Stern, Rookie of the Year – I’ve seen this movie a million times and it keeps getting better. I wish that Gary Busey was a Major League pitcher today. That would be the best. I have no idea what role Stern’s character was supposed to play outside of “Guy That Molests Henry and his Friends”.

Best Supporting Actress: Geena Davis, A League of Their Own – This is an underrated movie IN MY PERSONAL OPINION. Tom Hanks (or Otm Shank) is great and even the presence of Rosie and Madonna didn’t ruin it. Plus, Geena Davis was in Beetlejuice and that movie SICK!
Worst Supporting Actress: Whoever played Maggie, Caddyshack – Ugh…TANKS FOR NUTTIN’! Why was she so pissed that Noonan wanted to bang Lacey Underall? Did she not own a mirror? Judging by Maggie’s appearance, she did not own a mirror.

Best Original Score: Survivor, the Rocky Movies – I will fight anyone to the death who argues against the Rocky’s not having the best movie soundtrack of all time. Out of all of their gems, I prefer Burning Heart slightly over No Easy Way Out. Eye of the Tiger can get SO fucked.

Best Actress: Rene Russo, Major League/Tin Cup – It’s hard to find decent women actors in sports movies since these are mostly cock and balls events. I’ll give the nod to Russo though because she could have easily ruined Major League but did not and was surprisingly not too much of a hag in Cheech Marin’s Tin Cup. I’m not sure what she looks like these days, but she was easy on the eyes if I remember correctly.
Worst Actress: Barbara Hershey, Hoosiers – Her character served no purpose at all. I hated her so much. Why didn’t she want Jimmy to play basketball again? Didn’t it have something to do with a shark attack or whatever? And was she banging Norman Dale? It takes a lot to unseat Talia Shire for worst sports movie actress but this one wasn’t even close. Hershey was the ultimate wet blanket and led Shooter to the bottle and random drunken basketball court trespassings probably.

Best Athlete Cameo: Reggie Jackson, The Naked Gun/BASEketball – I must kill The Queen. I DON’T HAVE YOUR FUCKING BALL, MAN!
Worst Athlete Cameo: Lance Armstrong, Dodgeball – Yeeeeesh, that airport pep talk to Peter LaFleur looks pretty bad now, doesn’t it?

Best Actor: Sylvester Stallone, Rocky/Rambo/Victory/Over The Top – Obviously, Rocky is the greatest athlete that Hollywood ever devised and those movies remain very watchable. I’m still waiting to get some closure on that Balboa/Thunderlips feud though. I consider Rambo to be an athlete because “killing gooks and comrades” is a sport. Has anyone else seen Victory? Oh man, get a load of this: the climax of the movie is Stallone and Pele beating Hitler in a game of soccer or something like that. Sly is the goalie and he is AWFUL. It is hilarious. Over The Top is just a heart-warming tale of triumph and the human spirit via arm wrestling and turning your hat backwards. Stallone is the best.
Worst Actor: Cuba Gooding, Radio – LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! That is all.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Chelcie Ross, Major League/Hoosiers/Rudy – What a resume! Eddie Harris! Dan Devine! That asshole guy in Hoosiers that wanted Coach Dale fired! He was also apparently in Trouble with the Curve and The Last Boy Scout. Chelcie Ross is a real stat-sheet stuffer!  And he comes with his own supply of Vagisil!

Worst Picture: Field of Dreams – We’ve been over this before. I hate this movie. Not even Darth Vader’s voice could save it.
Best Picture: Hoosiers – On Monday, I mentioned how Indiana is a worthless state that serves no point. Well, it is, outside of this movie. I love it. It’s probably one of my favorite of all time and I will always watch it whenever it is on. I guess I just like to see white triumph over black. And thank God that Hollywood changed his name from Bobby Plump to Jimmy Chitwood. Bobby Plump sounds like a disgusting Colts fan that no one would want to cheer for.

Congratulations to all of our winners. Also congrats to me for remembering this post idea that Iceman suggested that I do about 3-4 years ago when he was still running his own site! ELITE memory from a guy who couldn’t remember his middle name a few weeks ago! I tried to come up with a handful of nominees for each category but that would have taken forever. Who would have ever guessed that Sly Stallone would be named the greatest Sports Movie Actor of all time? The Bombays are always full of surprises!  QUACK QUACK FUCKOS!

Before I go, let me pimp out one of the better sports movies that have come out recently in “GOON” starring Stiffler from American Pie. I think it’s on Showtime now and I couldn’t recommend it more. It’s a pretty amazing and funny 85 minutes. It’s not Slap Shot or anything but it’s way better than D2: The Mighty Ducks Are Back. Have a good weekend and we’ll see you back here on Monday morning, ya bunch of Radios.

41 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

I thought Goon was good as well.

This is the whitest movie award list ever.

Any sports movie list that doesn't mention White Men Can't Jump should immediately be taken off the internets forever. Also, WHERE IS THE FUCKING PROGRAM?

Ya gay.

Anonymous said...

Any Given Sunday and Blue Chips should have found this list somehow. Sports movies generally blow tho.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

You take back every word about Barbara Hershey. I mean it.

Nate said...

When you were little, The Program was a great movie.

All grown up, it becomes obvious the football action is downright terrible and unrealistic. Not every football play is supposed to result in a defender getting stiff-armed and getting blown back five to six yards.

No Air Bud? Get Fucked.

GMoney said...

I thought that both Any Given Sunday and Blue Chips SUCKED.

Charles S. Dutton is very black.

Hershey Suirts was terrible in Hoosiers. I stand by that.

Exactly where should The Program be anyway? It was a good movie but that's about it. It was no Air Bud: Golden Receiver.

How about the Jackets straight OWNING the Red Wings? Sure, one of our better players was stretchered off because of almost no contact last night but ALL WE DO IS WIN...against Detroit.

Jeff said...

JACKETS!!!!

What a sick goal at the end! VINNING!

Jeff said...

Just have to throw this LOLZ in there too..

"If the season ended today the Wings would not be in the playoffs!" - Seal

GMoney said...

I want to mention that Chelcie Ross would have been perfect as the asshole coach of the Hawks in the original Mighty Ducks. But there was nothing wrong with digging up the shithead dad from Son-In-Law instead. That guy popped the collar on his coaching varsity jacket! Talk about a cocksucker BRAH move!

Jeff said...

Miracle? Any movie about beating the Red Army is great.

GMoney said...

Jeff, it was my biggest regret actually. I love that movie. But it isn't better than Hoosiers and Kurt Russell is no Stallone. Just like Mike Babcock is no Todd Richards. CARRY IT!

2-0-1

Anonymous said...

Best musical number should've went to Remember the Titans. And Opie getting blasted by a truck was TOTES awesome.

Ide

Ice Man said...

The Program blows. There...I said what everyone else was thinking. You just need to tune in to Lattimer putting his head through a window and Mack getting his leg put through an meat grinder. Those are the only decent parts. The rest of the movie is horse pies.

I'm a big fan of Eight Men Out. Because I hate baseball and love watching movies about the dark days.

I'll watch Any Given Sunday for Jessie Spannow's beaver shot. Then I'll shut it off.

Happy Gilmore is a sports movie, isn't it? How dare you rob Chubbs of his best supporting actor award. Jesus Shuttlesworth also deserves a nod.

Even before joining this site, I prove yet again that I'm the best Internet writer by producing ELITE topics such as these.

Speaking of ELITE...ate at Texas De Brazil last night. Fuck my ass!! If you have a way to eat there you must. Here's what happens. You sit at your table and 10 different guys with meat skewers walk up to your table randomly and ask if you want to eat what they are holding. Then they slide it off the skewer onto your plate. Sausage, BBQ ribs, pork, filet, bacon wrapped chicken, lamb chops, beef...the list continues. And it's all you can eat. I would've eaten more but my boner kept getting in the way. I can't stress enough how eating here is a must. Only down side is its 50 bucks a person. But you'll have no problem eating that in just fillet mignon.

Prime99 said...

In an upset you didn't see coming, Survivor does NOT sing "No Easy Way Out." It is by some dude named Robert Tepper.

Nick Nolte losing his shit in Blue Chips is always funny.

How about Varsity Blues? Tweeter alone makes it watchable and John Voight is my kind of coach.

Space Jam has a spot because Jordan could still find a way to beat the MON-STARS as a 50 year old.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at the "if the season ended today" reference.

Wings are playing like shit.

Who will play Urban Meyer when they make a movie about how he never lost a game at Ohio Statr in his first five seasons?

Iceman....I went to a Brazilian steakhouse in Columbus a couple months ago. It is indeed the bees knees.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew...it's Gary Busey as Urban Meyer. It's always Busey.

Guys, I am aware that other movies exist. I know of The Program, Space Jam, Remember The Titans, and Varsity Blues. Thanks for missing the point entirely.

Survivor didn't sing No Easy Way Out? THOSE FRAUDS! Oh well, Burning Heart still rules all. In the warrior's code, there's no surrender.

It's Spano, jerk.

I kind of wanted to give Carl Weathers the best supporting actor trophy to be honest. Maybe I should have done nominees so you all would stop acting so ass-y.

Anonymous said...

Al Bundy, little Giants for supporting actor.

Are we going to be able to do the baseball draft online?

- J Saul

GMoney said...

You know it, breh! 3/23 1 pm! Suck my flag pole! Yes homo!

Prime99 said...

Oh that's cool. You write a post about movies but we are not allowed to talk about other sports movies. We should only celebrate your picks- go Dennis Hopper!

Mr. Ace said...

THE FUCKING SANDLOT!!!

You're such an elitist sports movie fan.

Ice Man said...

Spano...Spannow. Whatever. She shows her pussy and that's all that matters.

Mr. Ace said...

I just read an interesting PORN article. http://jonmillward.com/blog/studies/deep-inside-a-study-of-10000-porn-stars/

There are no pornographic images on the site. It is strictly about the demographics and statistics of porn stars. Some very good information.

Porn.

GMoney said...

How can you forget about a sports movie that isn't nearly as ELITE as Hoosiers???!!!!--you idiots

I'm sorry. Did I not mention your favorite movie that does not celebrate the triumph of white people over black people in a predominantly black sport? Oh OK, get stump-fisted by Oscar Pistorius. If you want to talk about a terrible cartoon movie starring Bugs Bunny and a guy who couldn't play in the NBA still today then have at it, hoss, but I didn't forget about it.

Jeff just moved ahead of Prime. Worst to first.

My picks should be celebrated. I'm glad that no one is challenging Stallone.

Prime99 said...

My mention of Space Jam was purely to bring up the Jordan at 50 argument. The movie is not good.

Coach Kilmer, however, does deserve some award. His strategy of not giving carries to the black RB inside the 20 is ELITE.

Coach Carter is the worst sports movie because they glossed over the game in Ken's first season where I hit the game winning shot to beat them in the playoffs. He then complained about our crowd being racist. Coach Carter is the worst (until he coached Slam Ball.)

Brady said...

mmmmmmm... Rene Russo. I would have sex with her corspe if I could picture her Tin Cup/Lethal Weapon days the whole time.

I'm also a big fan of Varsity Blues. That should've made the list somewhere but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

Brady said...

Also, even though Tom Cruise is a douche and NASCAR isn't really a sport, I always get sucked in to "Days of Thunder" when it's on.

GMoney said...

This isn't a list, Brady, you asshole.

Tom Cruise was nominated for Best Actor due to All The Right Moves, Days of Thunder, and some other movie that I can't remember right now. He was considered.

Bud Kilmer didn't win all those district championships by luck!

Mr. Ace said...

Raging Bull

Anonymous said...

Man, I see G$ put extra sand in his vagina. His picks are apparently not to be trifled with.

"You're the best around, noones ever going to bring you down" whoever sung that gem wins the 80s.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Joe Esposito? Karate Kid soundtrack. Pretty sure that's who sang that, Ide.

My useless knowledge of music comes in clutch today!

Mr. Ace said...

Hoop Dreams

The Iceman said...

Just read this story about Stallone:

His face is all fucked up looking because of some birth defect that paralyzed part of his face. He moved to New York with dreams of becoming an actor. He was quickly flat broke and sleeping on the subway. At his lowest point he sold his dog to a stranger for $25. After 3 weeks of sleeping on the subway, he got an idea for a script after watching a Muhammad Ali fight. After 3 days of not sleeping he had Rocky. He pitched it to some movie producers and one guy offered him $150,000 for the script but Stallone wasn't allowed to act in the film. He turned down the offer. He later turned down a similar offer for $350,000 because his dream was to act. In the end he made a deal to sell the script AND act in Rocky for $35,000. $15,000 was spent tracking down his dog he sold for $25. He found the dog and put it in the movie.

This is why I'm not challenging your Stallone pick.

The Iceman said...

"Coach Carter is the worst sports movie because they glossed over the game in Ken's first season where I hit the game winning shot to beat them in the playoffs. He then complained about our crowd being racist."

I pray every last letter of this story is true.

Prime99 said...

Every word. Factual. Just don't ask for my shooting % for the game. Not pretty, but got it done in the end!

GMoney said...

It is Joe Esposito. WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE LEFT STANDING THERE, YOU'VE REACHED THE FINAL BELL!!!

No one is challenging my selections. Instead, you're all "What about Ghost Dad!" which doesn't make any sense. If you have an opinion on Ghost Dad or something else (other than that being Cosby's best work Leonard Part 6 be damned), bring it up. Just don't say the name and expect everyone else to do your leg work.

Stallone is the best. 15K on finding his dog is making me tear up more than Ben and Leslie's weddin'. Ron jabbing Jamm's tooth out shows how great of an athlete he is.

Anonymous said...

You know why Seinfeld was so great, no one ever got married.

When a show starts to marry off, start packin. They've run out of material.....


- J Saul

GMoney said...

Are you seriously saying that Parks & Rec is getting worse? Because they've done a wedding before and nothing bad happened.

You're wrong anyway. Sitcoms get shitty when kids are introduced. I hope that no one ever agrees to turkey baste Ann Perkins. Unless it's Ron because he deserves to have an heir.

Anonymous said...

G$ is right. "Parks & Rec" is one of the few watchable comedies left on network tv and last night's wedding will have no effect. Kids are the downfall of any tv comedy.

I attempted to watch "Community" last night (again) and couldn't make it to the 1st commercial break. Its even worse than "the office." The ratings are terrible and its not funny, probably time for nbc to give it the ax.

Buke

GMoney said...

I've said it from nearly the start: Community is not a sitcom. It is a show that tries to be smarter than it needs to be and is the perfect show for asshole TV hipsters. It isn't funny. It is creative but absolutely not funny.

Ron Swanson said...

I approve of Texas De Brazil...despite the foreign sounding name.

Anonymous said...

I really hope Abed made your list of worst tv characters. Absolutely terrible.

Buke

Anonymous said...

My friend was telling me today that he was growing tired of Parks. I told him he was nuts, its actually getting better. Ron has been great all year and they are thankfully reducing Aziz's role.

Jerry turning down the pudding was just great writing.

Archer has been great all year as well.

Ide