|This is what the award looks like...it will triple deke the shit out of you, too|
Anyway, since I don’t know anything about the nominated movies this year, why shouldn’t I host my own award show? What I do know a lot about is Sports Movies. Oh man, do I know a lot about these. So how about we head into the weekend with me acknowledging the best of the best (and worst of the worst) when it comes to Sports Cinema! We need a snappy name though…let’s see…got it.
THE BOMBAYS! Nailed it. Let’s hand out our Bombays then.
Best Supporting Actor: Charles S. Dutton, Rudy – There were so many quality options here that my mind nearly exploded between Ted Knight, Tom Berenger, and Adam “Cake Eater” Banks off the top of my head, I went with the best actor and Roc is the best. He nearly saved Rudy from being an over-produced collection of the worst lies.
Worst Supporting Actor: Daniel Stern, Rookie of the Year – I’ve seen this movie a million times and it keeps getting better. I wish that Gary Busey was a Major League pitcher today. That would be the best. I have no idea what role Stern’s character was supposed to play outside of “Guy That Molests Henry and his Friends”.
Best Supporting Actress: Geena Davis, A League of Their Own – This is an underrated movie IN MY PERSONAL OPINION. Tom Hanks (or Otm Shank) is great and even the presence of Rosie and Madonna didn’t ruin it. Plus, Geena Davis was in Beetlejuice and that movie SICK!
Worst Supporting Actress: Whoever played Maggie, Caddyshack – Ugh…TANKS FOR NUTTIN’! Why was she so pissed that Noonan wanted to bang Lacey Underall? Did she not own a mirror? Judging by Maggie’s appearance, she did not own a mirror.
Best Original Score: Survivor, the Rocky Movies – I will fight anyone to the death who argues against the Rocky’s not having the best movie soundtrack of all time. Out of all of their gems, I prefer Burning Heart slightly over No Easy Way Out. Eye of the Tiger can get SO fucked.
Best Actress: Rene Russo, Major League/Tin Cup – It’s hard to find decent women actors in sports movies since these are mostly cock and balls events. I’ll give the nod to Russo though because she could have easily ruined Major League but did not and was surprisingly not too much of a hag in Cheech Marin’s Tin Cup. I’m not sure what she looks like these days, but she was easy on the eyes if I remember correctly.
Worst Actress: Barbara Hershey, Hoosiers – Her character served no purpose at all. I hated her so much. Why didn’t she want Jimmy to play basketball again? Didn’t it have something to do with a shark attack or whatever? And was she banging Norman Dale? It takes a lot to unseat Talia Shire for worst sports movie actress but this one wasn’t even close. Hershey was the ultimate wet blanket and led Shooter to the bottle and random drunken basketball court trespassings probably.
Best Athlete Cameo: Reggie Jackson, The Naked Gun/BASEketball – I must kill The Queen. I DON’T HAVE YOUR FUCKING BALL, MAN!
Worst Athlete Cameo: Lance Armstrong, Dodgeball – Yeeeeesh, that airport pep talk to Peter LaFleur looks pretty bad now, doesn’t it?
Best Actor: Sylvester Stallone, Rocky/Rambo/Victory/Over The Top – Obviously, Rocky is the greatest athlete that Hollywood ever devised and those movies remain very watchable. I’m still waiting to get some closure on that Balboa/Thunderlips feud though. I consider Rambo to be an athlete because “killing gooks and comrades” is a sport. Has anyone else seen Victory? Oh man, get a load of this: the climax of the movie is Stallone and Pele beating Hitler in a game of soccer or something like that. Sly is the goalie and he is AWFUL. It is hilarious. Over The Top is just a heart-warming tale of triumph and the human spirit via arm wrestling and turning your hat backwards. Stallone is the best.
Worst Actor: Cuba Gooding, Radio – LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! That is all.
Lifetime Achievement Award: Chelcie Ross, Major League/Hoosiers/Rudy – What a resume! Eddie Harris! Dan Devine! That asshole guy in Hoosiers that wanted Coach Dale fired! He was also apparently in Trouble with the Curve and The Last Boy Scout. Chelcie Ross is a real stat-sheet stuffer! And he comes with his own supply of Vagisil!
Worst Picture: Field of Dreams – We’ve been over this before. I hate this movie. Not even Darth Vader’s voice could save it.
Best Picture: Hoosiers – On Monday, I mentioned how Indiana is a worthless state that serves no point. Well, it is, outside of this movie. I love it. It’s probably one of my favorite of all time and I will always watch it whenever it is on. I guess I just like to see white triumph over black. And thank God that Hollywood changed his name from Bobby Plump to Jimmy Chitwood. Bobby Plump sounds like a disgusting Colts fan that no one would want to cheer for.
Congratulations to all of our winners. Also congrats to me for remembering this post idea that Iceman suggested that I do about 3-4 years ago when he was still running his own site! ELITE memory from a guy who couldn’t remember his middle name a few weeks ago! I tried to come up with a handful of nominees for each category but that would have taken forever. Who would have ever guessed that Sly Stallone would be named the greatest Sports Movie Actor of all time? The Bombays are always full of surprises! QUACK QUACK FUCKOS!
Before I go, let me pimp out one of the better sports movies that have come out recently in “GOON” starring Stiffler from American Pie. I think it’s on Showtime now and I couldn’t recommend it more. It’s a pretty amazing and funny 85 minutes. It’s not Slap Shot or anything but it’s way better than D2: The Mighty Ducks Are Back. Have a good weekend and we’ll see you back here on Monday morning, ya bunch of Radios.