Monday, February 04, 2013
6:21 - Kids from Sandy Hook Elementary singing? Goddamn you all, why am I crying over here.
6:24 - Alicia, what the fuck? That had to be over 2:05, didn't it? YOU BITCH. Adding words, too! DIE VIA ASS STAB NOW! We're off to a great start on our props.
6:28 - BOOGER ALERT! No one fleeps a coy bett-uh than the Boog!
6:31 - Boy, do I hate Jeeeeem and Feeeeel. Boot this one out of the endzone, Tucker, so I can get a prop win. YES! WIN!
6:32 - If I was running an adoption agency, I would tell everyone that all orphans are future Super Bowl quarterbacks. Even the gingers.
6:33 - Booger tells us that Vernon Davis cheated on the first play. You go Boog!
6:35 - Niners go 3 and out. By the way, Prime has SF and the OVER. Seal has BAL and the under. Those are the only two sonsabitches that can win the Super Bowl Mania.
6:40 - Ravens are in the redzone which has me completely off guard as I was sending death threats to Keys. TOUCHDOWN FLACCO TO BOLDIN! That was really easy.
6:41 - I had a Budweiser Black Crown after the ELITE Blue Jackets win over the Red Wings last night. It ain't that good. Please make a note of it.
6:48 - Ray Lewis covering Crabtree...LOLZ! Niners are driving...maybe those unders aren't so safe after all.
6:52 - This Ellerbe cat is making a big early statement for LVP tonight. Big sack on third and goal which was probably Alex Boone's fault. David Akers actually fails to miss the field goal. 7-3...so far, so good.
6:59 - This game has too many fucking commercials. Ed Reed is hurt. He probably jumped off the train and landed wrong on his can of beans.
7:01 - The BRAHS are 7 for 7 on getting to the playoffs. I'm shocked that no one interviewed Joanie for a head coaching job. She has the pedigree. By the way, I saw Crean Pie on the sideline before the game. He was looking like such an asshole.
7:03 - HUGE catch by Boldin right in the fag-hating face of Chris Culliver. Boldin is going to win the MVP. Damn, picked the wrong Ravens WR. Sacko on Flacco and that is the end of the first quarter. BAL 7-3 and pretty well played game so far.
7:10 - Ed Reed is back after winning his bumfight. Vernon Davis is going to have 400 yards receiving just to see the look on Mike Singletary's asshole. Baltimore has no one that can cover him.
7:13 - Underbite James fumbles! Recovered by Popeye Jones! Ravens ball! That one is OBVZ a fumble just like Drew is OBVZ wrong about Jared Sullinger having a back made out of fake pussies. A real man would apologize for being so wrong. I have no idea what that Calvin Klein commercial with the dong shots was all about? Dut's boner probably has some explaining to do though.
7:17 - I absolutely do not care for the new CBS graphics. Feel is talking about the Redskeeeens. Probably something about how they are going to win this game for the next decade or something. I know that that's what I'm thinking.
7:18 - Feel tells America that Denny Pits and Flacco go out on two dates per week. How cute. Chris Culliver is furious about this. Big catch by DICK, SON! Bawlmer County is looking tough.
7:21 - TOUCHDOWN RAVENS FLACCO TO DENNY PITS! 14-3! This allows Ravens fans to do their stupid Zombie Nation chanting which is the worst. By the way, my wife has not said a word in over 30 minutes. This is the best Super Bowl EVER!
7:24 - Considering that I am an internet God, you might be surprised to know that I have no clue what Go Daddy does. At least The Rock got his milk. I hope that King Kong Bundy is in a Doritos commercial later.
7:28 - ED REED INTERCEPTION! HUGE FIGHT!!! HELMETS EVERYWHERE! BOOGER HAS LOST CONTROL! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THAT'S KANE'S MUSIC! How many more pro wrestling references can I fit into this? We're already at 3.
7:32 - If the Ravens win this (and it looks like they will), at least Ray Lewis has no claim to the MVP trophy. He hasn't done shit but cry. HUGE first down catch and run by Ray Rice. This Niners defense plays like the Detroit Red Wings...awfully awful. SUCK MY FLAG POLE! Here comes old Dan Tucker for the FG attempt. FAKE! HORRIBLE CALL! He's stuffed! A straight-on kicker would have scored! That was really dumb...unless John had the first half under.
7:37 - Well, the VW reggae ad wins the award for "Most Racist Commercial" tonight. I laughed though. Pfffft, the only person that wants to talk to The Rog is a 9 year old girl and even she looks bored.
7:39 - Kaep should have just launched a pick six. He looks EXTREMELY shaky tonight. Third and ten run up the middle? I used to play in that offense, too! The Niners to punt and Ray Lewis is being a Canadian as he storms off the field.
7:42 - Subway spent 3-4 million dollars to congratulate Jared. At least they didn't use that money to actually provide fresh toppings for the consumers. I, for one, LOVE brown lettuce.
7:47 - We go to the two minute warning with Flacco wanting a penalty flag thrown. Apparently, he is furious that Torrey Smiff did not get flagged for blatant OPI. Bizarre. TOUCHDOWN FLACCO TO JACOBY JONES! First half under is destroyed because Chris Culliver was too busy thumping his Bible. Joe Flacco is going to win the MVP in a landslide and this game is just about over. San Fran absolutely has to get some points before halftime since the Ravens get the ball first.
7:52 - Typical dirty play by Ngata. He's been racist against zone read QBs for a long time. Big catch by Delanie Walker and the Niners are in the CODE REDZONE! That is NOT a sack by Ray Lewis you generous fuckers. Take that off the board. Akers is lining up for a patented miss field goal. He fails to miss again. HALFTIME SCORE: Baltimore 21-6 and it's time for some G$ambalaya!
8:16 - OMG DESTINY'S CHILD IS BACK! BRING BACK THIRD BASS NEXT YEAR! Ladies look terrific. Knowles (I'm going to call her that from now on) is doing a pretty good job actually. The stage is on fire! Here comes Kane! Fo REALZ this time! Anyone want to bet against me that Jay-Z will be the halftime show next year in NY? That's the biggest lock since the first half under tonight (dammit!).
8:22 - I didn't know 75% of the songs she sang, but Knowles was terrific and sexy as all get out. Them thighs...OH DEM THIGHS!
8:31 - JOE JACOBY JONES IS GONE! 109 yard opening kickoff return TD! RECORD BROKEN! EAT SHIT, DESMOND! THIS FUCKER IS OVER! RUN IT UP, JOHN BOY! I was just going to remark on Jeeeeem saying that Mike Lombardi hired both BRAHS so it is all HIS FAULT! 28-6. It's shaping up that ol' Prime is going to win Bowl Mania.
8:37 - The lights are out. The levees must have broke again. Ray Lewis just threw a trident at Solomon Wilcots.
8:41 - With this break in action, I want to announce that it took me over five minutes to remember what my middle name is yesterday. This was never a problem before I played football. See you in court, Napoleon High School! Seriously, what is more pointless than a middle name?
8:45 - Joe Flacco is doing a great impression of a dead black person by laying on the field at the Superdome. He appears to be not drowning though. This is the best that Jeeem and Feel have sounded in years by the way. This is so fucking boring. JB needs to bring out Dan Marino's bastard kid during this break Maury-style.
8:49 - Just another failure by Roger Goodell. She$ actually made a decent remark suggesting that this was the work of NOLA-ites making Rog look like an asshole. I like it. And here I was about to blame Crean Pie. Lights are starting to come back on. Someone tell Ray Ray to put away his scriptures.
8:54 - Hey Shannon, put that bucket of oats down and listen good: This doesn't help or hurt anyone. The score has not changed. The coaches are still BRAHS. And Ray Lewis still snitched his way out of a murder conviction.
9:01 - Twenty minutes...this is embarrassing. Booger says 7-10 minutes and Shannon wants to know who pays the electric bill at The Superdome. I don't know, how about YOU GET FUCKED. JOHNNY BRAH IS GOING NUTS ON SOME RANDOM GUY IN A SUIT! YES! That was very necessary. I am Team John all the way.
9:06 - Johnny and The Suit are making up. That's nice. JEEEM AND FEEL ARE BACK! Feel is 100% right...this does not effect ANYONE. I've got a problem here. Why have we not talked about Butler Cabin yet? Jimmy BRAH looks soooo uncomfortable out there. He's a ticking time bomb.
9:10 - And we're back! There was no black out in Puppy Bowl IX today...just sayin'! The 49ers punt into the endzone and if Baltimore scores at all the rest of the game, that will do it. I mean, it's likely over now anyway but I like to hedge and no commit to anything.
9:18 - Feel talking Skins again! Kirk Cousins or we riot! By the way, GOAT Randy Moss has zero catches tonight. Ooooooh there is #1 for "#1"!
9:22 - Tracy Morgan as General Patton-ish? YES! These commercials are terrible tonight.
9:24 - TOUCHDOWN TO CRABTREE! Sick run there. OK, we might have a game now. 28-13.
9:28 - Big drive here...Jommy BRAH is yelling at a ref over nothing. BIG SACK! Ravens have to punt. OK, now things are interesting again. Ginn inside the 20! He got tackled by the punter! WHAT A PUSSY! Kaep gets it to Vern inside the 5 even though Jeeem calls him "Smith". TOUCHDOWN GORE! WE AIN'T QUITTIN'! 28-20! The Over has been destroyed! Prime is guaranteed a share of the Super Bowl Mania contest!
9:35 - I can't confirm this but rumor is that John Harbaugh roomed with Flyin' Brian Pillman at Miami. If this is true, that is the greatest dorm room of all time. No one else comes close.
9:39 - Ngata got hurt. Good. Dick. FUMBLE BY RICE! Holy shit! They're going to piss this away. This choke is for you, Art! Big stop by the Ravens Defense and now Akers is out to miss a field goal. AND HE SUCCEEDS! But Booger is going to bail him out. He makes this one. 28-23 now! Jacoby Jones just got powerbombed by Captain Insano!
9:48 - YUGE third down conversion to Boldin. I love how they keep going after Culliver. We're going to the FOURF quarter! She$ has fallen asleep! I'm going to flick chewed fingernails at her.
9:56 - Big stand by the Niners inside the 5 and Johnny appears to be kicking the field goal this time. It's good. I would have faked it again. They would have NEVER seen that coming. 31-23.
9:59 - I lost a lot of respect for farmers after that really weird commercial. Dodge Ram can eat hog. What the hell was that?
10:04 - While the dog was attacking me, KAEPERNICK WITH A TD RUN! 31-29! No dice on the 2 pointer. My dog is just staring at me right now. He wants something. I just hope that what he wants is "me ignoring him".
10:10 - HA! Culliver gets a stupid PI call. Smear The Queer is definitely tonight's LVP.
10:12 - Wife: "Why are you even doing that? Everyone is watching the game." She makes some solid points there.
10:13 - Jim Harbaugh is challenging a spot! LOL! That has to be the first time ever that a coach has won a spot challenge. I know that Lovie Smith was 0-for-233. Helluva catch by Boldin when the Ravens, for some reason, throw the ball on third and two inches.
10:20 - Money FG from Tucker. 34-29. Ravens +4 or 3.5 should be good now. I'm getting tired of doing this and the dog is getting fussy. This blows. You know what, I'm just going to set the computer down for the rest of the game unless something crazy happens.
10:47 - WOW! What a great ending. The Ravens are Super Bowl Champions and LAST RIDE N*GGA! A few thoughts on the last four minutes:
*Tough no-call on that fourth down for the Niners. I can see it going either way. It was a terrible play call though so deal with it. You should get punished for calling a fourth down fade.
*The safety was fucking BRILLIANT. But only because I bet on a safety to happen at +800! JOHN HARBAUGH GETS ME!
*A Miami Man wins the Super Bowl. We are ELITE.
*I assume that Joe Flacco is going to win the MVP award and he earned it.
*PRIME WINS!!! I'll need your PayPal account to pay you. What a fitting way to end your season! Commenter of the Year AND Bowl Mania winner!
*Joe Flacco is better than Peyton Manning. Get on this bandwagon while it's hot! This would have made much more sense if they ended the game at halftime. Peyton gay!
So that's it. The Ravens are the champions which is perfect because Jim is a dickbag. Great game. Hopefully, a great live journal. Discuss.