Predicting The BRAH BOWL, BRAH!

EPIC BRO BOWL, BRAH!

I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog’s creation. This is the 7th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. Six years ago, I successfully predicted a Colts win and cover. In 2008, the numbers favored the Patriots but without covering. In year 3, it had the Steelers by 14 which was dumb. In 2010, we called for a Saints upset victory. Two years ago, we swung and missed more than Adam Dunn as we liked the Steelers to lose yet cover but were thankful that they FAILED MISERABLY. Of course, we nailed the Giants to win and parlayed that with the under a year ago. So to sum up, the system is nailing the outright winner at 83% and the spread at a 66% clip. I expect to continue our traditional winning ways this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no real feel on this game at all. I can’t look at either team and say “yes, this is why they will definitely win” as I have been able to do the last few years. This is a tough game to handicap. But enough about what I think, let's analyze this thing:

QB – Joe Flacco’s dad is openly calling his son dull to the media. Colin Kaepernick’s parents abandoned him as a baby and failed to see his potential as a future Mississippi Sambo. Even if not necessarily accurate, you get points for openly calling yourself ELITE. And I’m really tired of hearing about how Alex Smith is feeling. Ravens +2

RB – Pretty evenly matched backfields here. I was greatly disturbed by Frank Gore’s slo-mo penis bounce during the NFC title game on both of his touchdowns where the very gay Fox cameraman focused directly on his Alabama black snake. Not cool. Rice and Pierce are better than The Dong and The Bite. Ravens +2

WR/TE – Leave it to Randy Moss to complain about his role on the team DURING SUPER BOWL WEEK! That is breathtaking in its stupidity. For as much as we don’t want to see a certain LB win another ring, I think I might rather see him win his second than Randy Moss win his first. Ravens +3

OL – I respect Michael Oher for taking advantage of stupid rich white folks. I don’t respect Alex Boone. I respect Bryant McKinnie for having all sorts of fun on the Vikings sex boat. I don’t respect Alex Boone. Ravens +2

DL – Haloti Ngata hurt RG3. That kind of behavior should not go unpunished. Speaking of punished, I am definitely going home and jamming to some Big Pun tonight. 49ers +3

LB – Ray Lewis. And Baltimore also has a linebacker named Ellerbe that is not former Michigan coaching great Brian Ellerbe or Coach Eb. 49ers +6

DB – Ed Reed looks like an old hobo these days. Carlos Rogers was one of the worst Redskin DBs of all time and it pisses me off that he got good when he left (just like Ryan Clark who was so much ASS in DC). Niners DB Chris Culliver made a flamboyant scene this week when he preached his staunch homophobia on Media Day. That will play well with his fan base. Ravens +2

K/P – Justin Tucker, Sam Cock, and Andy Lee are all really good. David Akers is really bad. Ravens +3

Return Game – Ted Ginn Jr. went to a terrible school and has a dirty father. Jacoby Jones beat the Broncos and proved me right about Eli being better than Peyton yet again. Ravens +1

That's about right.

Coach – My favorite part of these last two weeks were all the stories about how John was such a nice boy growing up while Jim was a goddamn sociopath throughout his entire life. How about that story from Peter King where Jim tried to drown John in the ocean LAST YEAR? Jim Harbaugh is quite possibly the most insane asshole in NFL history and I never want him to win anything. Plus, John and I went to the same university. Ravens +4

City – Baltimore is drug-addled cesspool and San Francisco is one of my favorite cities in ‘merica. I would move there in a heartbeat. I would never move to Hamsterdam. 49ers +4

Fans – Ravens fans like to wear purple camouflage pants and complain about how the refs are out to screw them constantly. 49ers fans are mostly bandwagon jumpers from the Joe Montana days and likely give great head. Gay or not, at least they don’t try to defend #52. 49ers +4

Celebrity Fans – I don’t know any off the top of my head but the signature TV shows out of each city were The Wire and Full House. Omar and McNulty are vastly superior to Uncle Joey and Kimmy Gibler. Ravens +2

Organization – Art Modell rules. I hope that he’s enjoying life in heaven right now. PUT HIM IN THE HALL!!! I don’t particularly care about Steve Bisciotti or the York family though. Ravens +2

Against The Spread – The Niners were 11-7 this year while the Ravens were 10-9. This is important information. 49ers +2

Add it up, bitch... (The lines that we're going on are San Francisco -3.5 and the O/U of 47.5)
The Money Shot’s 15 pronged Super Bowl prediction machine has this Super Bowl going to the Baltimore Ravens 23-19 (UNDER). Like I said, I don’t have too much of a good feeling either way on this game, but I will probably be taking the points come Sunday morning. Give me Torrey Smith to be the MVP. According to this almost always accurate process, Ray Lewis is going out a winner/murderer/cheater/liar/snitch. Get ready to turn the game off as soon as it ends unless you like watching felons cry.

The nearly final standings in our Money Shot Super Bowl Mania contest:
34-21 – Prime
33-22 – Seal
32-23 – Buke, Drew (nice choke, “Smartest”), Iceman, and Li’l Strut
30-27 – Brady
29-26 – Jsaul
24-31 – G$, Jeff, and Dut…sexiest threesome ever
23-32 – Grumpy
20-35 – Nate B
17-38 – Damman
16-39 – Andrew
15-40 – Mr. Ace knows nothing about college or pro football and deserves Pat Shurmur

Wow, six fuckers all with a shot at the title. I’ll be honest; I’m rooting for “Everyone but Drew and Iceman”. Remember to pick the spread, the over or under, and for a tiebreaker…..total rushing/receiving yards by Bernard Pierce. Yeah, that’s completely random! 50 bucks to the winner which you are to use to buy me ribs on 3/23. Enjoy the game everyone because it will be our last until Labor Day. I’m not sure if I’m going to write up a live journal again. Those things are hard work. Whether I do or not, it doesn’t matter because IT IS GOD’S WILL!