Thursday, February 21, 2013

Open Forum: Yes! Soup For You!

Does anyone remember how much fat dick Drew sucked yesterday by actually bitching about free entertainment here? I do. It’s annoying. So how about today we write up a post that he wants and see what the response is? No, this is not about the warm temperatures emanating off of Aaron Craft’s man-pussy either. This is actually that food post that I was telling you about last week. So strap on your rattiest clothes and hobo beards because we’re going on a field trip to the soup kitchen.

Soup is an interesting food. There is usually no in between with it. Either it is really good and does exactly what you wanted it to do or it really sucks and you dump it down the drain after one spoonful. But it’s a pretty popular food around these parts this time of year since it is ridiculously cold almost always.

Before I start listing the good and the bad, much like Brady and college basketball, I am not an expert in the field of soup. Sure, I like it and all that but I almost always choose salad when presented with the option because I am a fitness guru and OBVZ in training. If I forgot a type that you like, please do not take it as a personal attack on your character and manhood. There are literally billions of variations of soup and I don’t have the energy to go through a taste test of all of them. I basically just went through the list of soups made by Campbell’s and remembered a few others. Deal with it.

With that being said, since I was born and raised in the SOUP CAPITAL OF THE WORLD (not true), I feel qualified enough to start a forum on soups. So how about we crumble up some Ritz crackers and get started…

SHIT
Vegetable – There is no excuse for not adding meat to anything
Mushroom – One of the most disgusting foods ever
Anything with Broccoli – Broccoli is my #1 enemy
Those Chinaman Soups that look like Piss – They look like urine; never trust an Oriental
Whatever Mr. Ace Recommends

IT DEPENDS
Chicken Noodle – I don’t care for this at all but I’m sure that someone out there probably makes a decent pot of this shit
Clam Chowder – Never eat this stuff outside of a seafood restaurant near a coast
French Onion – I hate when it’s covered in 3 inches of cheese…and it seems like I always get it covered in a fuck-ton of cheese

DIG IN
Tortilla – Max and Erma’s doesn’t do a lot right, but they make a mean bowl of chicken tortilla soup
Lobster Bisque – There are many reasons to go to Put-In-Bay…this is one of the big ones
Gumbo – Yes please
Chili – I love chili. Beef, turkey, chicken—it doesn’t matter. It’s all ELITE. And if you don’t like chili with beans then you are a FAGGOT!!!
Cheese – Just keep your goddamn broccoli out of it
Sirloin Burger – The signature Chunky Soup will forever be a classic although I wish that they would give a “no green beans” version
Potato – Pretty hard to fuck this up…bacon makes it better
Chicken Corn Chowder – I’ve been really into this recently
Minestrone/Wedding – Eh, whatever
Tomato – Criminally underrated as the combo of this stuff with a grilled cheese or six is incredible
Spaghetti-O’s – Sure, why not? They are delicious unless you like the kind with the hot dogs. That is such a trashy thing to eat. Meatballs only, n-words!

Yeah, this wasn’t the greatest food topic of all time (probably the worst) but what else would you expect from The Worst? That being said, there is never a bad time to talk about food. If you have any recommendations or want to contest any of my findings or just want to remind Drew to never challenge me again, go for it. Also feel free to get Spoonman stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Come together with your hands!

69 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised this post wasn't "What is your favorite Ohio State soup?".

Buckeyes shoved a big dick down the throat of the Gophers last night...suck it bitch.

Best soups...

OBVZ chili. Although I've begun to notice that some people don't eat chili because there are beans in it. Fags.

Beer Cheese soup. Beer cheese soup is amazing.

French Onion. What type of pussy asks for LESS cheese on something? The amazingly high sodium content in French Onion is a beautiful thing.

My girlfriend has been making a delicious tomato tortellini soup for the last couple of months....veyr very good.

Tortilla soup is indeed delicious.

I've become a big fan of Pho. There is a very good Pho restaurant on 12-0 Row and in the North Market. Pho filled with steak, jalapenos, noodles, etc....then I dump a lot of Siracha sauce in it. It's a beautiful dish.

Turtle Soup. I've had turtle soup twice and it's amazing. Once at high class Commander's Palace in NOLA and they actually make it at the Mohawk Tavern in German Village. Make sure to get some sherry poured on top of it. Love tortoises in my soup.

Urban Meyer probably makes exceptional soup.

--Drew

Ice Man said...

I love it when the runs wakes me at 6AM. Damn Pollyeyes! Why do you make my butt water? Anyway...you can GTFO hating cheddar broccoli. That shit is almost always cash money. I'm also a fan of French onion since I'm a hetero sexual and love an insulting amount of cheese on everything I eat. This is America, dammit. Everything you eat should swim in cheese when you're given the option. Unless you're a gay. We share the same sentiment about tomato soup. It is embarrassing to our country that more people don't appreciate the tasty nature of tomato soup with a grilled cheese. Chicken dumpling soup makes my nipples so fucking hard and you didn't include it. Let me ignore your disclaimer and brow beat you for that one. And if you don't like chili you should probably stay the fuck away from this blog forever. Who the fuck hates chili? Ace. I bet Ace does.

Ice Man said...

Dammit! Up at 630 AM and still can't get the first comment. Drew is the new Grumpy.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...I've been up for a while shitting too! Damn morning shits make you late for everything.

I bet Grumpy has some real good homemade soup recipes. Grandpas/geezers usually do. That was probably the only benefit Ape got when he was a child and the old man down the street would molest him. Probably would make Ape some killer soup after getting Ape to lick his old nuts.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Since when is chili considered soup?

It's going to be unanimous; G$ will be the only one who does'nt like French onion.

My grandmother's matzoh ball soup made from scratch was the best ever.

Anonymous said...

Chicken noodle needs large amounts of garlic in it and hot sauce or some source of heat. That way it makes you feel better when you are sick.

No mention of pea soup or bean and ham? Both are awesome provided the pea soup has lots of ham in it. Both also have the excellent side benefit of producing more methane gas than a cow expels.

Chicken and wild rice is good too but that might be too esoteric for you.

You have to have chees on the Fench Onion or else it's boring, but it should not be the complete focus of the soup. The soup should also not have so much bread on top that it acts as a sponge.

GMoney said...

I never said that I hated french onion just that I have had some really bad versions. I'll tell you one thing, using Lipton french onion seasoning on any meat in a crock pot is bananas.

I enjoy stories about Ape's post-molestation meals. More please.

Esoteric? Who's The Boss isn't a food, Lois.

Even with the disclaimer I'm getting killed. Nothing ever changes around here.

Chili is considered a soup today because it goes in a bowl and you eat it with a spoon...just like all soup. Also: cannelini beans FTW! The superior bean.

Urban Meyer probably eats low sodium soup, you know, due to his "health issues".

The only truly shit-tastic soup was Campbell's Soup Pony League team. Count it.

MuDawgfan said...

Here's a question for the masses - what's the key attribute that differentiates a soup from a stew?

Alot of the Campbell's Chunky Soups advertise themselves as "HEARTY BEEF STEWS" - so what is the key component that makes it different?

I personally always thought Chili was a soup.

Beef and Barley soup is an shameful.

Also - it's worth mentioning that Soup in a Bread Bowl is always, always preferable.

GMoney said...

They're all the same to me, Dawg, although I always considered the size of the meat hunks to separate them. Stews seem to have bigger chunks and a tad thicker sauces.

Also worth mentioning: The Soup is unwatchable because Joel McHale is a douche.

Fine. I'm going to make my stand. FUCK FRENCH ONION. I only eat FREEDOM ONION SOUP!!!

Jeff said...

Chili and Tortilla Soup are the best, especially when they are smothered over a burger.

Anonymous said...

Ok. Its time for the professional to weigh in.

First, the only bad version of French Onion ia the kind that isn't hunkered down by 3 inches of cheese.

Second, sirloin soup is white trash and only available from Campbell's. No self respected soup eater puts hamburger in soup and calls it sirloin.

Soup vs stew, to me, has always been the thickness. Stews have more meat and stuff than broth. I prefer stews. Eating my stew shouldn't be a question of whether I use a fork or spoon. It should be an option.

Soup vs salad? Are you fucking joking? Unless its artichoke soup or something vegan, go fuck yourself. Salad is food that food eats. Ron speaks troof.

Beans in chili is heresy. My chili, which would blow the asshole out of any seasoned beaner, uses zero beans, but adds ELITE bacon. My chili is also better than yours. It even comes with an unfortunate warning label that I realized later.

Tortilla soup (GOAT?), LOADED baked potato (basically cheese soup with bacon and potato), beer cheese soup, bean soup, beef stew (family recipe is absurdly good (my dads version features whole porterhouses in that motherfucker (serves 12 comfortably))), any seafood based soup/bisqu/stew and spicy chicken.

Ape likes gazpacho. And men.

Ide

Ace said...

Clam chowder and lobster bisque all day. I sacrifice my veganism for these. Especially when down in Ft Myers(any coastal city), I have to have some sort of seafood soup every day.

VEGAN chili is delicious. The more beans the merrier.

The Giant Eagle over off Tremont(Food Mecca) serves delicious vegetable soup every day. Squash, asparagus, shrooms, peppers...goodness.

Mohawk has turtle soup? Their tomato soup is good, but I usually hit up the 2 for 10 quesadilla on Tuesdays.

Anonymous said...

Kyrie was a terrible leader last night, huh G$? Just another reason Drew is the worst.

Seal

Ace said...

Soup definitely makes vegan life much easier. But not molestation. Soup has no effect on molestation.

Is there ever a conversation with Ide where he claims he either isn't the best, doesn't know the best, or wasn't the greatest? I think not.

GMoney said...

Ide doesn't put beans in his chili. He is no expert. He just admitted it. What a queerbait.

Kyrie was ELITE last night but I'm not really liking all of the attention that he's getting nationally. I mean, we are still 18-37 after all. I LOL'ed hard when the fans were chanting MVP at him during his TRANSCENDENT 20 point fourth qtr and Jon Barry was all like "this is dumb". I agree but it's nice to hear those three letters again.

Grumpy said...

Chili has beans, period. Without beans what do you have? A bowl of beef?

Pasta fagioli at Olive Garden is pretty good.

My robot word is keyhoe.

Prime99 said...

I have a vat of chili ready in my slow cooker right fucking now. There are 4 types of beans in it along 1.25 lbs of ground turkey (and other stuff of course.) it's going to be pretty great.

Broccoli is great once you acquire the taste for it (maybe a text thing, G?) However, no one can convince me that green beans are not put here by the devil.

Hot & Sour soup deserves a mention. Best Asian soup.

GMoney said...

Ground turkey is UNDERRATED. I never thought that I'd like that but it is good.

Also: you don't put bacon in chili. Move over Drew and keep moving up Jeff because Ide is officially the worst. He doesn't even know what chili is.

Jeff said...

WTF! WTF! WTF!

(Worst to First!)

Jackets vs Wings tonight. We get Atkinson and Anisimov back, but just lost Dubinski (can't catch a fucking break). Jimmy Howard has blurred vision. I hear that's an attribute all great netminders have. At least the CBJ goalies like to think so.

Anonymous said...

Did Greg Monroe tell the Detroit press what Kidd-Gilchrist's dick tastes like after he got fucking posterized by him last night?

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal would be one of those people chanting "MVP"...no wonder your fan base needs THE DIFF.

Chili without beans? Get the Fuck out of here.

Loaded Baked Potato soup is indeed delicious. Best clam chowder in town is at Old Bag of Nails. I love dominating their all you can eat soup and salad option.

Prime...you are a beautiful man for having chili in a slow cooker simmering right meow.

Soup is awesome. You guys need to eat some turtles.

Jimmy Howard don't need eyes.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The Kings gave up on T-Rob already after less than 55 games. I don't feel bad now that the Cavs passed on him (although I never did). If Sac doesn't want you then you clearly blow.

Feel free to throw in all deadline trades. I expect Chris Grant to do his usual domination if he does anything (like Mo Speights for a first rounder). I wouldn't be surprised if the genius flipped Boobie Gibson for an unprotected lottery pick. He is that good.

Ide has no clue what chili is. He thinks that it's meat soup. DUMBASS.

Go Jackets!

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal....I think he just talked about the WIN. Since you OBVZ only care about plays and not results...you should follow the And1 tour.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I've heard of turtle soup but am probably two big of a bitch to ever eat it. What if that turtle was a mutant ninja teenager!!! I don't want that on my conscience.

Brady said...

-Lobster bisque is obviously the best out there. I will murder people at my own table to order it faster as restaurants.

-Tomato soup and grilled cheese is pretty much my favorite thing ever. I don't care if it makes me look like a five year old.

-French onion with as much cheese as you can fit on it. I agree with everyone here that G$ is a homo for not liking cheese.

-I'm down with the occasional vegetable soup if it's more broth than veggies.

Anonymous said...

2012 was the first year in the WORLD CHILI COOKOFF that beans were allowed. Go fuck yourselves, each and everyone of you who thinks differently. Beans are an abomination in chili, just filler for, yes, meat. Why eat beans when you could be eating ground pork, beef, turkey, and/or (non ground) bacon?

It's not a bowl of meat. You do throw some basic vegetables in there, like onions, tomatoes, and peppers (spicy and not). It's supposed to simmer and cook all day. Beans offer fuck all to chili. They taste like everything it soaks in, and is added carbs to a protein heavy meal. It's like people bragging about zucchini, it just tastes like whatever you cook it in. Complete waste of time and space in chili.

Old Bag makes great soups. I guess I should be singing the praises of Soup Man (the Soup Nazi), but its
OK. I've had some good soups, and I've had some not so great soups there. The great thing about NYC is there are TONS of soup shops to choose from. Quick trivia, instead of going to lunch, people go for soup here. Weird.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I'm down with tomato soup and grilled cheese.

I'm happy to report that the chili I made turned out great and I brought some for lunch today. My coworkers best watch out in the afternoon. As Tom Ace (Stanford Law) once said, "DO NOT GO IN THERE... WOOOOO!"

Anonymous said...

"Is there ever a conversation with Ide where he claims he either isn't the best, doesn't know the best, or wasn't the greatest?"

No.

Ide

GMoney said...

This site > World Chili Cookoff...always will be. Chili comes with beans. Always will. If you don't like it then go to fucking Skyline, queer. You lose, The Worst.

Anonymous said...

I did some exhaustive research on the subject, and it yielded some fun results.

Bean eaters are poor.

"Beans found their way into chili as a protein-packed supplement to meat for people who, because they were poor or because they had no easy local access to meat, could not put much in their pot."

Relevant article:

http://deadspin.com/5947501/how-to-make-chili-a-guide-for-people-who-arent-anti+bean-zealots-or-elitist-scum

I will happily be elitist scum when it comes to chili. Pretty funny article, though. Apparently, beans in chili in Texas will start a fist fight.

Prime99 said...

When we start using Texas as a measuring stick for anything, we should all just give up.

Anonymous said...

I should note, that I do enjoy chili with beans in it. I just would never make it.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Mmm..noodle soup

Joey Tribiani

Anonymous said...

Beans are filler and beaners smell terrible

Buke

GMoney said...

LOL at the Joey reference!

Good call on Texas, Prime. Whatever they believe in is wrong.

Ace said...

Beans are great sources of fiber, antioxidants and....PROTEIN! Get yo facks skraight.

I make zucchini and black bean burgers.

Brady said...

I HATE beans in chili. It adds nothing and makes everything taste like beans (sand). Beans are for burritos and hobos.

Anonymous said...

I prefer pig anus and African Tribal member toe jam/nut cheese soup. It's so gelatinous!

-Andrew Zimmern

Anonymous said...

Food posts are the best because we can then learn how to seperate the girls (Ape) from the fags (Ide and Brady) from the men (rest of us).

--Drew

Brady said...

Is there anything better than a heat lamp above your work shitter? I say no.

Ice Man said...

Food posts are the best because we can then learn how to seperate the girls (Ape) from the fags (Ide and Brady) from the men (rest of us).

I just felt like this needed to be repeated.

GMoney said...

I AM A MAN. Beans give chili DEPF.

No trades yet today...weak.

Anonymous said...

Add Buke to that list. A list of white purists is a list I'm proud to be a part of. Eat your beans in chili.

Ide

Anonymous said...

The Klan meetings have sure missed your presence recently

Brady said...

Seriously, guys? You're that into beans? They taste like a bland paste-like substance. It doesn't add anything to chili. I would argue it takes away from it.

I will eat them if they're in there. I'm not going to turn down chili because of it. But if I'm making it, beans can get fucked.

GMoney said...

You ferries prefer a different type of "magical fruit", don't you?




I'm talking about Shook's Son and Uncle T.

Speaking of homos, roll out the red carpet because we're talking Oscars tomorrow. Don't worry, it's TOTES not anything like that.

Anonymous said...

I eat enough meat and cheese that my shit comes out in herds. I love asparagus (not soup), so when I use the shitter, the odor is so noxious that paint peels.

So no, keep your beans.

Someone needs to tweet Nick Offerman on this subject.

Ide

Prime99 said...

No one said anything about turning down a vat of meat, but chili needs beans! They are good for your heart!

GMoney said...

Prime has just sent me a tip on the next potential food post. Men, this is how you become Commenter of the Year.

Is Ide challenging us all to a Dump Off? That could get interesting.

Ide said...

Oh man, my next growler will be posted on facebook. Be warned.

Ide

Ice Man said...

Jesus Christ, men. I don't think beans have ever been discussed in such depth before. I think it comes down to this...is anyone here really turning down a bowl of chili if there happen to be a few kidney beans floating in there? The answer is fuck and no. Those who say they would are liars and enjoy being on the receiving end of anal. Beans aren't a deal breaker for anyone here so why do we care so fucking much about them? Oh...and I took the liberty of tweeting Ron Swanson out bean conundrum.

GMoney said...

ELITE TWEET, Ice. By the way, as I mentioned earlier, get white beans (cannelini). They are the best.

Tonya said...

Listen up all of you cum guzzlers... Something very important has happened to me over the last 2 days and it may or may not concern all of you fuckers! I might just have the best JRupe story to date... Stay tuned for all the details... P.S. Beans SUCK!

Anonymous said...

My old buddy Long said it best during another food argument..."That's not even a question to me, its like asking if you want it better or worse?" Beans are for the poor & very poor alike.

Buke

Prime99 said...

That's quite a tease, Tonya... CAN'T WAIT!

Tonya said...

Oh, it's good Prime, and is about to get a whole lot better... It will definitely be worth the wait, I promise!

GMoney said...

Iceman already gave me some of the deets...you are a lucky woman indeed.

I won't be insulted by someone who actually eats cottage cheese AKA the trashiest food ever.

Nate said...

Won't the best J-Rupe story eventually be about how he finally kills himself?

Until that happens, it won't be the best.

GMoney said...

Fair point, Nate, but Facebook sexually harrassing (?) a person he has never met and is only friends with because we laugh at his ass constantly here is a good start.

Brady said...

I don't think there is any doubt that a sexual element is going to play a part in this story.

Mr. Ace said...

PLZ GOD LET THERE BE A J-RUPE DICKPICK!!!

Tonya said...

Annnnnndddd the sexual harassment has officially begun!!

Mr. Ace said...

The hilarious part about this whole J-Rupe thing is that Dut and I were talking about catfishing him about a month ago. Tonya is the best.

Tonya said...

Yeah, well he's the one who started it, I can't take all of the credit... wait, yes I can, I fucking ROCK! Thanks for reminding me Ace!

GMoney said...

Oh man, I can't wait to read his "game".

Anonymous said...

When is this all happening?!

Ide

Tonya said...

This is just plain awful... I'm going to hell for this for sure, and I have all of you assholes to blame! It's actually quite sad... and extremely awkward!

Mr. Ace said...

Just call him BigDaddy and all is good.

Anonymous said...

Nice white trash soup list G$. I always thought you were referring to a building when talking about your home, not a trailer.
I suppose that also explains your love of beans.

-Andrew