|A Fuckeye? You have chosen...poorly.|
Before I begin with my RESEARCH, I just want to remind everyone that around this time 5 years ago, Terrelle Pryor committed to “The University of Ohio State”. Steal from you, steal from me. I went through the list of commits and verbals for the five most popular football programs among us. After pouring through hours of tape, I was able to form my own opinion on who your class’s studs are and who the duds are. Let’s start with the worst of the bunch:
STUD – QB Tommy Tupa from Brecksville, OH. Yes, that is the son of the former NFL QB/Punter legend. We’re going to be the best pooch punting team in NCAA history (to go with our numerous awards for best RB in world history).
DUD – Everyone else. If there are kids out there who bought into Don Treadwell’s loser bullshit then they have to be ass-y players. I hate our head coach so much.
STUD – DE Shaq Lawson of Chatham, VA and DE Ebenezer Ogundeko of Brooklyn. If your name is Shaq, you automatically get a positive grade from me. I like the other guy’s name. Don’t challenge my expertise!
DUD – RB Tyshon Dye of Elberton, GA. Quite the bold move to sign Commenter Dan’s illegitimate black son, don’t you think?
The University of Georgia
STUD – DB Shaquille Fluker of Scooba, MS and DB Shaquille Wiggins of Tyrone, GA. TWO Shaqs! Richt got himself the best recruiting class in the country!
DUD – WR Jonathon Rumph of Goodman, MS. If I was a fan of another SEC team, I would slay a lot of southern belles and then I would make a sign that says RUMPH IS ASS. Count it.
The University of Michigan
STUD – TE Jake Butt and DE Taco Charlton both from Pickerington, OH. Butt! Taco! Man, if some guy was named Taco Butt; that would be the best thing ever.
DUD – OL Logan Tuley-Tillman from Peoria, IL. I hate hyphenated names on men. PICK A NAME ALREADY, QUEER! And Logan is an awful first name. This guy clearly sucks.
The University at Ohio
STUD – DB Eli Apple from Voorhees, NJ. Nice name, dork. ELITE FRUIT indeed. But, if you are from a town named after Hollywood’s most beloved serial killer, mad props, yo.
DUD – DE Tracy Sprinkle from Elyria and DE Joey Bosa of Ft. Lauderdale. I’m pretty sure that Tracy Sprinkle is the star of numerous gonzo productions. There is no way that that person is tough. And the other guy is named after Joey Harrington and/or Joey Lawrence. What a pussy. You’re a grown man now. Time to drop the Joey. Start calling yourself Ted Wass or something a little more “big boy”.
There you have it. The best National Signing Day breakdown that you will read today. As I said at the beginning, don’t take this day for granted because it only comes around once a year.