Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Let's Get Fat!

                                   The Santa Claus of Fat Tuesdays...

Hey everyone!!  It's Fat Tuesday!!!  Damman's harvest season for potential sex partners.  In honor of today's celebration of fatness, I decided to make a list of the best "Fat" sports athletes of all time.  Or at least the ones that I have always liked...or liked to make fun of.  There really is no criteria except you have to be a chubby fat ass and must have played sports professionally at one point.  And the spell check didn't work for me when I wrote this so go fuck yourselves if I spelled anything wrong.

Honorable mentions:

Matt "Fat" Stafford - We've all seen the pictures of him at the beach with his shirt on.  That's right Matt...the ladies can't see your tit jelly when you're hiding it with a gray trash bag made out of t-shirt material.  Keep it on so the whales don't get horny and beach themselves.  I can't wait until Stafford retires and looks like this one year later:

Fat Lever - Skinniest fat man you'll ever see.  But I guess being called "Fat" your entire life is better than being called by your real name of Lafayette.  Even in the 60's black parents were naming their kids the most ridiculous shit ever.  I like the consistency.

"Fat" Albert Haynesworth - My favorite part of Big Al's career is when shit for brains, lardo Mike Golic out fitness tested his lazy, black ass on live TV.  Lazy, black ass...sorry for the oxymoron there, you guys.  My second favorite part of his career is when a picture of Haynesworth surfaces in the next 10 years of him at the Nathan's Hot Dog eating competition finishing 5th.

Now for the fatties that hold a special place in my grease clogged heart.

Charles Barkley - I love Chuck.  I love that Chuck is a gambling addicted alcoholic that can still hold down a respectable job.  I love that no one has the balls to fire him when obscene and offensive shit oozes out of his mouth.  Anyone that maintain fat pig status and can be such a monster on the boards is aces in my book.  Plus he did what I would have done later in my NBA career.  Pack on 30 el bees and become a 3 point shooting specialist.

JaMarcus Russell - The only reason he's on this list is because of this:

I'll never be able to explain why this picture makes me LOL my fucking balls off.  But it does and always will.  And I will never forget that, JaMarcus.  Good luck with your NFL comeback.  I hope it's just as hilarious as your first run.

Oliver Miller - Word to the wise.  When you name your kid Oliver, he is destined to be a fat shit.  It just sounds like a fat guy's name.  After being signed and released by just about every fucking team in every fucking league imaginable, Miller was arrested and put in jail for a year.  But not before being cut by the Harlem Globetrotters.  Now that's rock fucking bottom, men.  Being cut by a fake basketball team.  Why was he put in jail you ask?  Ready for this?  He pistol whipped a man at a barbeque.  When I think about how that went down, I want to believe this mystery guy snatched the last rack of ribs.  Or maybe was about to throw the pig head away after Oliver specifically asked to take it home with him.  Either way...such a fitting away for Big O to get locked up.  Never fuck with a fat, black man's BBQ!

David Wells - Fuck yes.  The man we all aspire to be.  Known for showing up to games half in the bag, this crazy fuck was not only an obese turd but knew it and didn't give a shit.  As long as you can throw triple digit smoked gouda I guess you can do whatever you please.  Include being high as fucking balls when wheezing your tits out to the mound.  I like to believe the Kenny Powers character is a direct reflection of David Wells real life.

John Daly - Normally golfers are a bunch of pussy bitches and don't deserve being talked about unless they're black and sport fucking TONS of white snatch.  But Daly is a God damn legend and is one of those guys I would love to party with.  Whether it be sexually harassing flight attendants or passing out outside of a Hooters, the possibilities of what would happen that night are endless.  Someone needs to get Daly back on the sauce so I can live out this dream.

Just soak this in for a few minutes...........

Jared Lorenzen - Only because he gave fat kids nationwide hope they could play quarterback some day no matter how many bags of Doritos they ate.

Shawn Kemp - How does one exactly go from this:

To this:

Wowzers.  I would say a good start is to eat nothing but pig lard sandwiches and deep fried fucking EVERYTHING every single day of your life.  Deep fried vegetables are good for you, right? I bet Kemp could still dunk as long as there was a 12 pack of Big Macs hanging out on the back of the rim.

One more thing...

Disgusting.  No wonder he has to rape to get his dick wet.  Good thing about food is that it can't file sexual charges against you after you violate it the way this three toed man sloth does.  Enjoy years of your husband borrowing your bras, Mrs. Roethlisberger!

Well there ya go, fat fucks!  Obviously I had nothing to write about today!  If nothing else, this post shows proof that you can still matter even when you're morbidly obese.  And it will give Damman a boner.  So when you're at your desk today polishing off your 4th Paczki, rest easy knowing that even if you balloon to astronomical proportions, at least you aren't these fat turds.  And for Christ sake please keep your shirt on tomorrow.  Speaking of Paczkis.......


Anonymous said...

This post was better than yesterdays terrible massive troll attempt.

The Fielder duo is a good one....especially since Prince tried to convince people for a while he was vegan.

Yokozuma should have been on this list.


Anonymous said...

Fridge Perry was really a good athlete before he got Jabba the Hutt big.

Fernando Valenzuela and any other number of fat pitchers. It seems like the best sport to be fat in is baseball.

GMoney said...

It's Yokozuna and he should have made it just for a possible inclusion of Mr. Fuji.

Rich Garces/EL GUAPO is my favorite tub of all time.

Terrible troll post, eh? YOU GAY!

I'll make a deal with you: if you Tribe fans relax on The Bourn Identity talk today, I promise a baseball post tomorrow since pitchers (Seal) and catchers (Brady) report today or tomorrow or whenever. Fair?

MuDawgfan said...

Tomorrow we can talk about fat female athletes!
That list begins and ends with Serena Williams.


Ace said...

Bartolo Colon deserves some love as well.

If Yokozuna belongs on this list, then Sexual Chocolate should be #1.

Butterbean? Tank Abbott? There are quite a few sweaty fat f's on the fighting scene.

GMoney said...

Albert Haynesworth is definitely near the top of my list of least favorite "athletes" ever.

I always liked Oliver Miller. I was hoping that one day, he would be as wide as he was tall.

David Wells once missed a start or two due to gout. GOUT!

Serena Williams a goddamn angel. You will say nothing bad about her here!

GMoney said...

Ape, you show some cotton-pickin' respect to the World's Strongest Man Mark Henry.

GMoney said...

Happy 23rd birthday, Robert Griffin III!

Happy tenth anniversary of your death, Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig! I really wish that I hadn't burned off that post I wrote 6 years ago about the "fight" I got into with him. It would have TOTES been better had I waited for my ELITE blogging skills to develop.

Ice Man said...

Tomorrows post can be about the girls we've always wanted to see topless. That conversation could go on for days. Damman's list starts with Rosanne Arnold and ends with Kathy Bates.

Butterbean almost made the list but then I remembered he tried parlaying his questionable boxing career into a terrible reality TV show. You miss the cut, fatty.

If you're looking for some outside entertainment today, visit John Daly's Wikipedia page and read about all of his drug and alcohol issues. Cheered me right up yesterday after a shit day at work.

Anonymous said...

Im honored to be labeled a pitcher.

As I was reading this I was so excited to get to the comments to add Jared Lorenzen - and you had him on the list! Awesome. That guy was bigger than all but one of his O linemen at Kentucky. What a fat ass.


Nate said...


Wasn't there some obese manchild you played basketball against back in the day? Surprised he's not on here.

Now that Chip is in Philadelphia, does Prime still have media access to him? I'd like to hear the reasoning behind that awful $10m extension for Vick.

GMoney said...

Nate, you might be thinking of THE MILLER BOMB. He played intramural hoops for the Banana Slugs. Once when we were trying to score 100 on them, I went up for a backboard shattering dunk at the upper gym and somehow he PACKED me. Either I went for a dunk and forgot to jump or TMB has crazy 400 pound ups. It is the greatest shame of my life. I was going to parlay that dunk into sodomizing Dut's super hot cousin on the scorer's table. It would have been quite a sight. Miller Bomb was a huge man.

Iceman, SHAME ON YOU for not including the late, great Robert "Tractor" Traylor!

Grumpy said...

Casey Hampton is my favorite. He's not called Big Snack for nothing. Amazing that men that big can be so athletic.

Prime99 said...

My first thought was that Oliver Iller better be on here- and there he was! I do enjoy some of the other suggestions being thrown out there. And what about Dante Bichette?

Tonya said...

Speaking of Big Mac's... Buy one get one for a penny February 18th. Just figured I would throw that out there!

Jeff said...

Big Country Bryant Reeves? I haven't seen him in awhile, but he has to be fat as hell right?

Jeff said...

Oh and how could I forget that goal scoring clinic put on by the jackets last night! Great way to end a god awful home stand. 5 points in 6 games I believe. That type of play has cup contender written all over it.

GMoney said...

The Jackets were nuts last night. CARRY THE FLAG!

For as much as I loathe the Steelers, The Big Snack is a pretty great nickname for a man weighing in at 700 bills.

I remember when Gilbert Brown played for the Packers and a local Burger King made him his own sandwich that was like 4 whopper patties and 25 strips of bacon with a gallon of cheese wiz. No vegetables. It looked incredible.

Anonymous said...

Hardee's still sells that same sandwich, and it's amazing.

Michael Vick didn't get an extension, he got his contract completely blown the fuck up.

Baseball post tomorrow should be an awful time. Count me out, Mr. Belding.


MuDawgfan said...

How about Mo Vaughn? He was fat as hell back in the day.
He parlay'd 18 great months with the RedSox into a horrible contract with the Mets.

GMoney said...

Sorry to disappoint, Ide, but when has anyone stayed on topic here ever???

Ice Man said...

Tractor Traylor doesn't get on the list because his obesity got the best of him. I don't accept losers on this list.

Gilbert Brown was called the Grave Digger because if he landed on you you would die. And I think everyone assumed he wouldn't live past 38. Did he make it??

GMoney said...

I think it was Will Leitch that was interviewing Tractor for his college newspaper after a UM game and Tractor was completely nude during it. Naked Traylor is a terrifying visual.

Also another great dead fat guy is Rick Majerus who apparently also was OK with being nude around others.

Anonymous said...

I just saw this on facebook, and, well, yeah...


Instead of clicking on something called the "brobible", I went ahead and copy/pasted it for you here:

"Current Ohio State coach Urban Meyer shared this classic anecdote about the Buckeyes legend while speaking at the state’s annual coaching convention. The world will never be the same.

Here are his words:

"So I guess Ohio State had lost the bowl game, so Earl Bruce brings in Woody Hayes. I had been there just a week and I'm thinking, 'Holy, this is Coach Hayes.' I'm sitting in the back. Coach Hayes was not healthy at the time, but stands up and starts laying into the coaching staff about toughness. That we have no toughness in the program. That's why we lost the game. On and on and screaming, this old guy pounding the table. He says, 'We have no toughness, and the reason is because you're not tough. No one on this staff is tough enough, and that's a problem.'

"He reaches down and grabs this box, slides the top and there was something in the box moving around. He reaches in and he pulls out this turtle. He reaches down, this turtle's snapping and he says, 'I'm going to show you toughness.' He unzips his pants and takes out whatever he takes out. The turtle reaches up and snaps at him. You see the veins and the sweat (on Hayes). He screams at the coaches, 'That's toughness! That's f'n toughness!' He reaches down, pokes the turtle right in the eye and it falls off. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and says, 'That's the problem. We don't have anybody in this room tough enough to do that right there."

So there's that. Punching players, and letting turtles bite his dick. That's good hustle!


Ace said...

So the greatest coach in Fuckeyes history was a turtle rapist? Not shocking.

GMoney said...

I prefer Turtle Faggot. He's into the same stuff as Troy McClure.

Anonymous said...

It is really tough to think of famous fat hockey players. Those men stay in shape.


Anonymous said...

Goldberg from Mighty Ducks

No John Kruk? When Chris Farley does an impression of you you're fat

J from JBeanie

Ice Man said...

Woody likes turtle BJs and Urb gets off on watching it happen. That's what I took away from that story. As long as they aren't Lisa Turtle BJs because Woody was a racist.

Thought about including Kruky but I think he dipped under the minimum weight requirement when he lost his testie. If he gets a titanium false nut implanted to get his weight back up I think there may be a spot for him.

Tractor Traylor naked just ruined my entire day. Time to visit the John Daly Wikipedia page to raise my spirits.

GMoney said...

J!!! Nice to see you! I thought of Goldberg immediately as well. That guy was a terrible goalie. He couldn't even keep his job from a woman but then again, Julie "The Cat" Gaffney had some skills.

Have you seen Lark Voorhies recently? Let's just say that she would fit in nicely with this post.

He was only on the team for a few months, but I loved when Cecil was on the '96 Yankees. He was actually a HUGE reason why they won the Series. Fat guys are always lovable...except for Chris Berman. Him getting stuck in the sand at Pebble last week was the best.

GMoney said...

What a great day to be on the internet:

*Woody Hayes was an interspecies homosexual
*The Toledo track coach ruined everyone that wouldn't fuck him
*OJ Simpson is the king of the homos in prison now AKA Daddy Juice

By the way, how have the Rockets not gotten hammered with LOIC yet? This track guy, the old basketball coach that nailed every housewife in Ottawa Hills, the rampant point shaving, being banned from the MAC tourney this year because of horrendous grades...what more do they need to do to get slaughtered by the NCAA???

Anonymous said...

To be relevant.


GMoney said...

Touche, salesman. Now get back to your Daddy Juice.

Ace said...

Just read the Toledo thing...I am going to have to do some of my own investigating to see if I know these people. I would have almost had to have met one of them at some point given the time frame referenced in the story. That ish cray.

Toledo is fine, though. They vetted an anonymous source and then when they finally had real evidence to go on they canned the guy. All good, at least as far as the NCAA would be concerned.