Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Indianapolis 2.0

                        "Mel.  Will.....fake crying improve my draft stock?"

If you recall last February, I took a 3 day trip to Indianapolis for some NFL scouting combine action as well as to follow up a lead for a respectable meth dealer.  I had so much fun watching the "Suck Luck's Nuts" show that I decided to take some more time off work and head to Indy again for this year's combine.  These are my observations:

-Manti Te'o ran a 4.8 forty.  Remember when resident fat fuck Dontari Poe ran a 4.9 last year?  Yikes.  As slow as that is, Te'o still would have beaten Commenter Brady by a full second.  Assuming Brady didn't collapse after 20 yards because of a wheezing fit.  After Te'o limped his way past the finish line, reporters kept asking him if he was gay.  All I heard was, "Does it count if you've only licked the tip of a man's penis once?".

-Tyrann Mathieu was there.  That was pretty wild.  He is now insisting that people no longer refer to him as "The Honey Badger"  Good.  I never did that to begin with because that's the stupidest fucking nickname I've ever heard.  Musburger will be crushed, though.  Mathieu also mentioned that his new best friend is "Honesty".  Mine too.  I HONESTLY fucking hate this guy with every fiber in my body.  And since we're on the subject...Mathieu HONESTLY needs to find a better disguise if he plans to continue selling pot outside of Lucas Oil Stadium.  The fake nose/glasses/mustache getup isn't very convincing.

-Denard Robinson's willing move to wide receiver was about the smartest thing he could have done.  Pat White called the move "dumb" in between cleaning the two bathrooms at the Denny's he now works at.  I pray Denard goes to the Lions so Drew is forced to cheer for him.

-Chris Johnson actually sent this guy to the combine to make sure his 40 yard dash record stayed in tact.

"You SUCK!  Ya Jackass!!"

It worked.  Mercury Morris was later quoted saying he was proud of CJ1K for caring so much about a pointless record no one really gives a flying fuck about.  Marquise Goodwin came closest to breaking the 40 record at 4.27.  In related news:  Look for the Browns to waste a high draft pick on this 180 lb. wide receiver who's best attribute is "fast" and who's biggest knocks are "gets surprised by the pass" and "has a limited route tree".  Sounds like a Cleveland guy.

-Star Lotulelei has a vagina for a heart.  The same condition Urban Meyer has.  I kept lighting Blackcats at Star's feet just to see for myself how serious this condition is.  He's still alive, so that's encouraging.  But he wasn't allowed to participate in any drills over the weekend which was good.  Because he probably would have been terrible at all of them.  The only thing someone named "Star" is good at is shoving their naked tits in the face of many many drunk, married men at the strip club they work at.  I was sure to cough "pussy" into my hand at every opportunity whenever I was within ear shot of Staaaaaaaaaaaar.  What a ridiculous fucking name.

-Matt Barkley was there.  But not as a participant.  He was holding a sign that said, "Will sniff boners for food".  John Elway was the first in line and was feverishly trying to get himself hard.  I held up a picture of Shannon Sharp getting his nuts licked by Mr. Ed and that seemed to do the trick.  Only cost my $8 on Ebay.  Worth it.  Anything horse related = John Elway Viagra.  Remember that.

-Speaking of Barkley.  Remember how much money he cost himself by staying his Senior year?  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  That feels great, doesn't it?

This year at the combine was way more boring than last year.  There wasn't an Andrew Luck to bend over and spread for this year so things were relatively quiet.  The projected first overall pick is an offensive lineman if that is any indication of how lame Indianapolis was over the weekend.  That's about as exciting as news that a Adele porno is about to hit the Internet.  Well...exciting for Damman.  Gross for the rest of us.  That's all I've got.  If you get bored with this today you can always go to YouTube and watch Jennifer LOLrence beef it up the steps in that fucking circus tent she was wearing at the Oscars Sunday.  Famous people eating shit on national TV never gets old.  Peace, bitches.


Anonymous said...

National Signing Day>NFL Draft


Grumpy said...


GMoney said...

Don't you ever say anything bad about my girl, J-Law. She is a national treasure.

I thank my lucky anus that Barkley stayed at USC last year and you should to because he was either going to DC or CLE and that would have been a disaster. It's going to be major LULZ when he ends up in Buffalo after winning his national championship this past season.

I heard Mel on the radio a few weeks ago say that Project Denard is a late 2nd early 3rd rounder. Holy shit! Did no one learn their lesson from Armanti Edwards? I have no problem with the Skins grabbing him in the FIF round and having him return kicks and be some type of weapon on offense, but not on day 2.

Maybe people would start to take Mathieu seriously if he got rid of the blonde hair. Nah, you're right, they never will. Again, I wouldn't mind the Skins taking him in the FOURF or something.

Brady is better than Manti. National Signing Day is not better than the Draft. National Signing Day isn't even better than the MLS Draft.

Brady said...

-Speaking of Barkley... remember how BAD Iceman wanted him as the starting QB for our beloved Cleveland Browns? That was funny. (I'm going to bring this up every time Ice throws a Jamaal Berry reference at me)

-I wonder how high Denard could go if he would just tie his shoes? Black people are hilarious.

-I may wheez but I'm still breaking 5.5. My original prediction was breaking 5 but I've come around on that. My trick knee is acting up on account of this weather moving in and that would definitely slow me down half a second.

-Can you trust anybody in "The following"? This serial killer's web of lie knows no bounds!

GMoney said...

That was a crappy episode last night. Those three toadies needed to die so we can move on to better bad guys.

Trick knee effected by the weather...must have been a by-product of catching shrapnel from Charlie in Nam.

Brady said...

The show has definitely leveled out. It really doesn't come close to "The Americans" now. I still dig The Bacon brothers featuring Kevin Bacon but something big needs to happen to pull me back in to the show. The "guy you thought was your friend turning on you" bit is getting a little played out.

Anonymous said...

"Look for the Browns to waste a draft pick on a 180 pound wr whose best attribute is "fast" and whose biggest knocks are "gets surprised by the pass" and has a "limited route tree". Sounds like a Cleveland guy"
Fantastic line Iceman. That is possibly the most poignant Browns draft analysis the internet has ever seen. Well done sir.


Anonymous said...

The Following is so filled with implausibilities that it's sunk to the ridiculous level now. If Joe can turn someone in one meeting at a prison, then wouldn't he be able to control EVERYONE? And if he's that powerful, why not use it to get out of jail. The lawyer thread is dumb, the gays thread was dumb, the goofy dude in the warehouse is dumb, it's all dumb. If the guy was following Claire that closely for two years, who is bankrolling him? How does he afford all that surveillance equipment and a warehouse in which to store it. And how inept could the FBI be?

Now it's just a matter of watching it to see how bad it can get.

GMoney said...

Warehouse? I was under the impression that he was living in a sewer which makes him even more hilarious. Deep down, I was hoping that he would sing "Doo Doo Pie" to Raylan's ex-wife like Tracy Morgan sang to Britney on SNL.

Was there ever any doubt that Peter King was going to fluff Te'o and say that his stupidity should not affect his draft status? I think not.

Who's excited for this Alex Smiff trade news? No one? Carry on then.

Anonymous said...

Anon- I think you make some good points, but 24 wasn't really plausible either. Its a pretty good show for network tv.

Brady is absolutely right that "The Following" isn't as good as "The Americans", but that isn't a fair comparison. Cable shows will always be better than network shows. FACT.


GMoney said...

Don't acknowledge anon. They must step out from the shadows if they want attention around here.

Brady said...

Absolutely, Buke. I always knew that Network couldn't hold a candle to cable but I had hope after the Pilot for this one. Oh well.

Ice Man said...

Today on the sports show I reluctantly listen to Brandon Tierney was tearing into losers who care way too much about college signing day and such. I instantly thought of Brady and Drew. Then I read today's comments and was totally justified.

Buke...those are the perks of being a Browns fan. You get years of horrible experiences that can be molded into insightful Internet analysis. It's my gift and curse.

I heard Alex Smiff is going to KC next year. Didn't they just get rid of Alex Smiff? KC sure loves mediocrity. I also saw some people on Twitter asking Tony "dipshit" Grossi if he thinks the Browns should go after Smiff. All of them must rot in hell for that.

What do you guys make of teams asking Te'o If he's gay and loves wiener? People are going crazy over that shit. I'm not sure if he's gay or not but I do think he's retarded. And I don't have room on my team for a guy who still blows bubbles in his milk with a straw.

GMoney said...

I love teams asking if he is gay. I guarantee that Jeff Ireland is one of those askers. He loves to present weird/great questions to minority athletes.

Where are all the GMs asking the same thing to Barkley? Why has no one asked this to Aaron Craft yet? He's just dying to cum out on 12 inches minimum Row. Whoops.

Anonymous said...

I agree with that. I put some lofty expectations on this show from the outset. Its definitely been good enough to keep me as a viewer. There is absolutely nothing else watchable on Monday night, so I don't see myself dropping this from the season pass anytime soon.


Brady said...

I don't see any way that Teo isn't gay and I don't see any reason why Gm's shouldn't be able to ask. I could give two shits if some dude likes the cock but if your going to be paying millions to a guy and that story breaks mid season... Whooo boy! That would be the locker room distraction to end all locker room distractions. Jesus might even ignore Tebow if that story went down.

Ice, why are you listening to local radio? Your car has bluetooth. Download "Tune in Radio" and listen to WKNR out of Cleveland on your way to work. I haven't had to endure Norm or his gang of retards in months because of that app. It's tits!

GMoney said...

The only listenable people on KNR are Reghi and Kenny Roda. You can go stuff Goldhammer. He is the worst.

Brady said...

I'll agree that Goldhammer is a douchebag. Reghi and Rhoda are awesome. I also enjoy Hooley and Zuppe.

Prime99 said...

Since when does an individual get to decide that people shouldn't call him by a nickname? Nicknames and not up to an individual, just because Honey Badger is dumb doesn't mean he can just drop it.

The combine sucks. Get to the draft! That is fun, but a shit show with sprints and male nudity is not.

Teo should respond to being asked if he is gay and say, "less gay than the scouts, coaches, and executives that fawn over college guys in their underwear."

Ice Man said...

That's easy for you to say Prime. Your nicknme is a transformer. Not a gay little rodent nobody cares about. But fuck Mathieu...he deserves to be miserable.

Brady I never listen to the local hacks. The show I listen to in the morning for 15 minutes is CBS sports radio. For the ride home it's valenti and foster on 97.1.

Brady said...

CBS radio is only marginally better than the local hacks. Just download the app already. It has seriously changed my life. Any radio station, band or podcast you can think of is on that thing. It's cathartic to listen to a bunch of sad Cleveland fans bitch and moan about the Browns every day.

GMoney said...

Brady's preferred listening options...this site has gone to shit rather quickly.