Friday, February 08, 2013

In Woodbury They Love The Guv-nah

Relevant.  Your move, Zombie Danzig and Zombie Lundgren...
I am currently bracing myself for another awesome weekend hosting the in-laws. My stupid wife decided to buy them tickets to the Fuckeye/Indiana game on Sunday. They made it known that they would arrive late afternoon tomorrow although they WANTED to come down on Friday. Of course they did. Even though the game is at 1 and they should be back to the house by 3:30 (my father-in-law is staying back with me while mom and daughter take the tickets) so it is of great importance that I kick them out before dark when they might think that it would be perfectly acceptable to stay another night for no reason at all. Why do they need to go besides “GET OUT”? The Walking Dead returns on Sunday night! That means more Monday afternoon zombie talk here! Oh man, that is YUGE! To catch you up to speed in case you forgot and always fast forward through the “previously on” scenes as I do:

*Rick has toned back on his insanity much to my dismay and wants to blitzkrieg Woodbury.
*Daryl and Merle are being asked to fight to the death in one of those classic Woodbury Zombie Lumberjack matches
*The Governor is now the crazy one as he has an eye patch, a fully dead zombie daughter, Andrea's sweet ass, and a burning hatred of Merle
*Tyreese is still trying to set up his prison boxing gym. He might be interested in Carol’s peach cobbler.
*Speaking of Carol: still worthless
*That blonde girl, Beth I think, keeps sizing up Deputy Dipshit’s loaded weapon
*Deputy Dipshit gonna SLAY THAT PUSS
*Maggie is still my angel and anyone who speaks ill of her will die by my hand
*Glenn is still an Asian and much more badass then he is given credit for
*Andrea is the most naïve and bananas person on the show; wears lovely thongs though which are very important in a zombie apocalypse
*Hershel is still a gimp
*LORI IS DEAD! Judith is the baby girl’s name and it is a terrible name.
*Michonne hates everyone but that kitana is just terrific
*Remember when Ghost Shane popped up a few episodes to spook Rick?  The fuck was that all about.  I WANT REAL SHANE!

That about covers everything as we wait for the second half of season three to begin in two days. A few other quick things that I want to address to help stimulate our internet-rections as we head into the weekend:

*I hope that everyone is following that recruit from Florida who wants to go to Arkansas and play for their chubtard coach (LOLWHY?) but his likely obese mother won’t have any part of that.  She wants him to stay closer to home and attend The U because she wants to watch him play more.  Mama was very mature in her objection by taking the LOI and hiding it.  I don't know why the NCAA needs a parent's permission for an 18 year old kid to make a choice but apparently they do.  It sounds like the kid's dad signed the form for him to go to Let Him Live U but the mom just hired Johnnie Cochran's firm to stop it.  THIS IS NUTS.  This woman is the worst person ever.

*Jay Cutler “proposed” to K-Cav via text and by mailing her an engagement ring. This might be the most Cutler thing ever. The man is a hopeless roman-cat.

*Titus Young SENIOR, after getting released by the Lions for being an asshole, told his high school football coach that he is better than Megatron. Drew sent me this story. The coach pretty much just laughed at his stupid face. Good luck with this guy, Rams.

*Can ESPN please stop talking about the Lakers? They are morphing into Team Tenor with the amount of pointless coverage they get after EVERY game. If they won, ten analysts have to come on and discuss their playoff odds. If they lost, twenty analysts come on and discuss their playoff odds. STOP.

*Finally, can the local media please stop comparing every WR/RB recruit to Percy Harvin? I feel like every goddamn player that Urb has signed since he’s been here (including the linemen) has been rumored by someone to be a Percy Harvin clone. Until one of these guys sits out half a season for a headache, you don’t have the next Percy Harvin. By the way, Harvin is a pretty awful person so maybe you shouldn’t want his twin on your team anyway.

That will do it for this week. Enjoy the football-less weekend. I’m probably going to spend Monday breaking down the big battle between Crean Pie and Pear Nose followed by zombies so try to contain yourselves. If you have any predictions for Season 3 Part 2, fire them off in the comments. My pick to click: there is no way that Merle makes it to season 4.  Out.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just woke up and absolutely exploded a shit into my toilet.

I predict that Deputy Dipshit will fuck Andrea after saving her from the Guvnah.

LOLZ @Crean Pie and Zeller last night...so dumb for real!

We have multiple Percy Harvin's...DEAL WITH IT. How about Urban saying yesterday that he is going to discuss directly with the other B1G coaches at a meeting next week how they need to improve their recruiting. I love his smugness! Kevin Wilson will probably get a nice pat on the ass from Urbz for his great Hoosier class.


Going to my first Cavs game tomorrow. What if the fans knew that the man that gave ESPN the idea for "The Decision" (myself as shown by multiple columns by Bill Simmons) was in attendance? I might not make it out alive! By the way...the fact that I came up with idea is a better accomplishment than all of your best accomplishments....COMBINED.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Nice in bounds defense IU. Right from the Charlie Coles chalkboard.

GMoney said...

It looked to me to be Watford's fault. Either way, LOL Crean Pie! Taking after Jim apparently.

I think that Urb makes a good point about stopping all the noon games. All of those early starts makes you feel like a JV conference. But then again, you pretty much are.

Ohio has 85 Percy Harvins on their team. FACT!

I expect you to start a big "KOKO" chant tomorrow night. Cavs are playing very well recently so that should be a good game. We only mail in games against the Pistons these days.

Nate said...

I don't keep up with NBA or really care about it, but I do find any Lebron/Cleveland news entertaining.

Is there any truth to Lebron asking Dan Gilbert to free up cap space for a possible return in 2014?

GMoney said...

Nate, that is a topic for a different day but while I'm not sure how much truth there is to that specific rumor, I can say that the Cavs are definitely going to have an assload of cap room next Summer.

Jeff said...

Jackets! Now sitting on the bottom of the West. They did get a point. Not much an already crappy team can do without their best goal scorer and half of their defensemen hurt. Get well soon Cam!

Maybe we can trade the farm for Ovechkin? Bring some spark to this team and the Caps suck worse than we do. We can dream right?!?

Anonymous said...

LOL at Indiana. God I wish there was someone who posted here that was an IU fan.

Completely agree on the Lakers. I cant even watch ESPN right now with the aftermath of the SB and all the Laker talk.

Uncle Drew in the 3-point shootout?? Im sure he wont win, but I love it.

Drew - do us all a favor and get lost on the east side of cleveland when you are up here tomorrow.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal..you could always pull a Brady and troll an Indiana message board. LOLZ!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Seal, I kind of like how the usually awful Fred McLeod has started referring to our recently not awful bench as The Nephews. Wayne Ellington is legit.

The Jackets are a hard watch right now with all the injuries and terrible play by our supposed best players. It's never a good thing when Mark Letestu is your playmaker.

I would trade for Ovi. We need to make our entire team Commies. We're closer than you think anyway.

Serious question: Who's the best character out of Perd Hapley, Sewage Joe, or The Douche? I was up for hours last night trying to figure it out.

Anonymous said...

Sewage Joe. Now The Douche really stole the show yesterday, but Joe has a better pedigree of being awesome.

Perd is great, but he lacks the Sewage Joe mustache, and awesome job at donating sperm. Give Joe a spinoff now.

Fucking Community ruined my whole day. That show looks to be terrible now.

Archer was a down week, but it was still better than anything out.

I have The Following and Americans in my dvr and a blizzard named NEMO (go fuck yourself for naming snow storms, weather people) coming at me. So, a weekend of great tv and hopefully laughing at freezing bums lies in wait.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Thanks for the $50 G$! Should I put it toward my fantasy baseball buy in or toward a fleshlight? Decisions, decisions....

Cutler can't be happy Kristen right now. It was probably her fault he had to propose a second time anyway. A QB that does a ton of charity work for diabetic kids is more disliked than a dog killer? Good job, good effort, 'Murrica!

Is Iceman joining Hines Ward on TWD? That's a scary duo of zombies.

The Blackhawks are unreal.

Brady said...

This story about the kids mom hiding his LOI is awsome. I can just picture fat, black, soul mother hootin' and hollern' about her baby wanting to leave the state. Then the dad undercuts her and signs it for him?! I want to be a fly on the wall for that Thanksgiving this year! I bet it's just like the Klumps!

"And for Ron, pretty much everything we make"... Awesome

GMoney said...

DOUCHE NATION is the only Nation that will be recognized from now on. Community is always a pretty good show that provides no non-Dean laughs. It is barely a comedy.

LOL at The Klumps reference!

Anonymous said...

Community only gets dvr'd because NBC usually starts parks & rec during the last minute or 2 of that terrible show. "The Pitts" 2 aired episodes were far better than community has been for the last couple years.

I'm sure nobody here watches "Scandal" on abc, but one of the main story lines for the past several weeks is election rigging by the president in Defiance Ohio.

Buke

Ice Man said...

Zombie Iceman > Zombie Hines Ward. Actually...Zombie Iceman > ANY ZOMBIE!

One of Ron's best lines ever delieverd last night: "Give me 12 eggs and a dead animal. Dealer's choice." Outstanding.

On Facebook yesterday, the best Napoleon QB to ever dress in the #13 put something up and I could not believe what I read. Reon Dawson said yesterday that even though he is playing for Michigan, he will always love the Buckeyes. What a fucking moron. Even if that's really the way you feel, you don't say that shit to anyone. I give it a year...maybe two before this knob transfers.

GMoney said...

The internet comments and Tweets at Dawson from Michigan fans had to be terrific. Honesty is the worst policy. Always lie.

You watch Scandal? Not even my wife is dumb enough to watch that show and she subscribes to almost every garbage ABC drama.

Anonymous said...

She should, its a pretty good show. There are 2 other abc drama's worth watching... Revenge & Nashville.

Anonymous said...

Reon Dawson was sent to Michigan by Urbz. He is responsible for putting drugs on players, setting them up with girls that will cry rape, etc. Brilliant move.

--Drew

Ice Man said...

So I just started reading the Walking Dead comics a couple months ago because I'm a fucking nerd and I'm currently about at the same timeline that the TV show is. For those of you who haven't read the comic, it's pretty different from the show. SPOILER ALERT!!!! For example, in the comic:

-Dale is still alive

-Herschel isn't the one who loses his leg

-Dale and Andrea are boning

-Carol is bi-sexual and wants to be in a 3 way marriage with Lori and Rick

-Darryl and Mearle don't exist

-Deputy Dipshit kills Shane

-Shane dies in the Atlanta camp

-Guvnah is TOTES way more crazy in the comic.

It's pretty different but very awesome. Highly recommmended though.

GMoney said...

Dale is boning Andrea? That's terrible! Next thing you're going to tell me is that baby Judith is scissoring my sweet angel Maggie!

She watches Revenge and Nashville. Nashville looks TERRIBLE even with the love of my life Mrs. Coach Taylor starring.

I finally got her to delete Project Runway off the season pass. That was a YUGE victory for me.

The only thing that scares me about TWD is that the idiots at AMC ran Glenn Mazzarra off as the showrunner. They better not bring some Steven Spielberg-o in to replace him. He was doing God's work.

GMoney said...

Also: I assume that most of you heard about ELITE Flacco's plan had Ginn broken free on that final kickoff. My mind can't begin to imagine how awesome it would have been if the entire Ravens sideline ran onto the field to prevent Ginn from scoring. That would have been so great.

Ice Man said...

I'm surprised that the thought of Dale boning Andrea infuriates you more than the thought of Dale still being alive. That was my big issue with the sitch.

AND...before Carol went half dyke, she was getting chocolate pole from Tyrese on the reg. That is until Michonne showed up a and started blowing Tyrese in the prison yard after weight lifting sessions. After Carol unsuccessfully tried killing herself, she realized her true lesbian potential and started up with the sister wives proposal with Ricktator and Lori.

Ice Man said...

I just read that article. Found these little gems that made me snort a little.

•Jim Harbaugh tersely told John Harbaugh to quit “b’sing” with kicker David Akers before the game. John joked that he was trying to get in Akers’ head, which Jim didn’t seem to find funny. Give John props for trying to keep the conversation light.
•Flacco immediately realizes the Ravens are using the wrong football on their first possession.
•San Francisco tight end Vernon Davis talked lots of smack to Ray Lewis. He said, “This will be a long day for you,” to which Lewis responded, “You’re a joke.” The Davis on Lewis matchup was something the Ravens were concerned about. The 49ers yapped at Lewis all game long, as lineman Alex Boone later called him “old man” during a block.
•John helped break up a second-quarter scrum, then gave 49ers defensive end Justin Smith a look and smile. “What’s your problem? Quit crying,” he told him.
•John helped Special Teams Coach Jerry Rosburg scheme Jacoby Jones’ 108-yard kickoff return for a touchdown. Harbaugh called it before it happened.
•John didn’t know what play Flacco audibled to on third-and-1 in the fourth quarter. When Flacco stood to throw, John said, “He’s throwing the damn ball? You’ve got to be kidding me.” When Anquan Boldin leapt to catch it, John simply responded with a “Wow.” Sitting on the bench, Lewis said, “That’s a bold damn statement.”

My favorite was John trying to troll Akers in pregame. LOLZ!

Brady said...

I can only imagine how much John talking to Akers before the game pissed the younger Brah off. That guy is going to be dead in ten years from a heart attack. Hopefully on the sideline!

Ice reads comic books. Sounds about right.

GMoney said...

Brady, he's just trying to get tips on how to give the proper prison BJ to black inmates.

I'll be honest: I kind of miss Dale. They've gotten rid of all the people that I love to hate. They even made Deputy Dipshit not THAT awful anymore.

Alex Boone talking shit to Ray Lewis is hilarious, sad, and hilariously sad.

Jimmy BRAH never says anything that isn't terse.

Ice Man said...

"Ice reads comic books. Sounds about right."

This coming from a guy with a clock that tracks the weather in his living room. Like a 70 year old nam vet with a police scanner next to his bed. Never troll me, Brady.

Prime99 said...

I'm further along in the comics- shit gets even more cray cray! But unlike Iceman, I'm not a spoiler machine.