"The tight pants mask my love handles."
Nice of G$ to handle some MoneyShot cleaning duties yesterday like the house bitch he is. Amiright? NOW GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, WHORE! No surprise here with the dead zone upon us and me hating baseball/hockey the way I do. Today we'll talk about the NBA All-Star weekend and the hilarious things that went down. Mostly unintentionally hilarious, of course.
-Paul George is TOTES a great shooter. LOLZ! Way to set an all time low in 3 pointers made, shit stain. (upon further review it appears that there have been worse scores than George's. Doesn't make it any better though) Sweet air ball too, brah. I'm pretty sure I could accidentally score 11 points in the NBA 3 point contest. Who am I kidding?? I would win that mother fucker because my jumper is more wet than a black lady's sloth crotch while standing in line at the Golden Corral. I CHALLENGE KYRIE IRVING!!
-Tony Parker is a mega queer. Watching TP finish DEAD LAST in the dribble thingy that the point guards do made my heart sing. Especially after listening to Reggie Miller give Parker a sloppy BJ throughout the entire competition. I'm surprised Regg didn't follow up his TP fellate with a 30 minute bitch session about how Tayshaun's playoff block on him was goal tending. You know...that play that happened like 10 years ago that he still pisses and moans about to this day like a whiny fuck face?
-The Dunk Contest is closer than ever to being eliminated. And it should be. Ide commented about this yesterday but it bears repeating. The Dunk Contest is absolute shit and should be aborted until players actually worth talking about are in it. Now...I watch a pretty healthy amount of NBA basketball. And I also play fantasy basketball. So when there are TWO FUCKING GUYS in the dunk contest I've never heard of then we have a problem. What's worse is that one of the guys I didn't know was the DEFENDING DUNK CHAMP!! And enough of this "you have a minute thirty to dunk and get as many misses as you want" horse shit. Fucking man up and do the contest the way it was intended. You miss? You suck. I'm done watching this trash event.
-NBA players dress like hipster faggots. This is getting out of fucking control. I liked it better when these dick bags dressed like Steve Urkel. Example. Did anyone happen to see what LeBron was wearing on Saturday? It looked like one of those plastic jump suits high school wrestlers wear when they're trying to drop weight the day of a match. His pants had a fucking elastic band on them for Christ sake! Also, I'm pretty sure Durant's shirt was made by a 12 year old. Girl or gay boy...take your pick. Sexy bedazzle there, guy! Killer sleeveless jean jacket, stud! Oh! And who can forget Blake Griffin's leather jacket he apparently stole after mugging the prop guy from the set of Knight Rider? Rusty Westbrook can straight get fucked with everything he was wearing on Friday. It's like there was a league wide competition to out fucking retard each other. And the loser is America.
-Everything that happens Saturday night (minus the dunk contest) > The actual All-Star game. I literally watched less than 5 minutes of the All-Star game Sunday night and the part that I did watch was a fucking snoozer. The best part of the game was watching Noah's sad attempt at D-ing up CP3 in the 4th and getting facialed. Oh. And also watching...
-Kobe punking the fuck out of LeBron. I haven't read anything on the Interwebs, but I'm sure LeBron is getting absolutely destroyed for what Kobe did to him in the 4th quarter last night. Here's my take on it: Hilarious to watch...but not surprising. Because Kobe is a complete fuck. To me it looked like LeBron was trying to keep things fun and light while Kobe morphed himself into "Asshole douche bag who dives for balls, takes charges and calls defensive 3 seconds in a pick up game at the rec" mode. Kobe had that crazy look in his eye like, "I'm better than this fuck and I'm about to prove it to the world". Watching Kobe take guarding LeBron waaaaaaaaay too seriously Sunday night was such a classic Kobe LOLZ moment for the ages.
-There is nothing good about Nick Cannon. Rarely do I get embarrassed for people when I see them acting like a twat on TV. But in a rare moment Saturday, I found every interview Nick Cannon doing with NBA players painfully unwatchable. Cannon reminded me of that kid in high school who tries so hard to get all the cool kids to like him by trying way too hard to be funny. It's how I imagine high school was for Drew. I can't figure out why TV networks still ask Cannon to do stuff. It's remarkable how someone can be so bad at interacting with humans, yet always seems to have meaningful work.
-Rick Fox is shit. I don't think collectively as a group, we have all agreed on any one thing here. Besides Jeff being the worst. But I think we can all vigorously nod our heads in agreement when I say that Rick Fox is the complete package when it comes to all things fucktardery and douchbaggery. It was great watching him stumble through segments like he's never been in front of a camera before. It was one of those rare moments when watching someone you truly hate fail at something makes you genuinely more happy in your own life. Rick Fox being unemployed is what this nation was founded on and what makes America great. Let's make that happen again.
-Jordan is NOT coming back and if he did he would get embarrassed. FACT! I want to murder anyone who has this twisted sense of reality that Michael Jordan could seriously come back right now and compete in today's game. This is such a fucking stupid argument. I would say maybe even more dumb than people saying that "insert best college football team" could beat "insert worst NFL team". We all know this fucker is 50, right? We understand that he most likely needs boner pills to hold an erection at this phase of his life, yes? Shit...I would even go as far as to say that Jordan would struggle even making a roster right now. I'm sure some dipshit here thinks differently though. It's probably Ace. That sounds like an Ace thing to argue.
Alright, ya fuckin boobs! That's what I got. Wasn't too hard to follow up yesterday's ELITE mail in post by the site creator as you can tell. I didn't check the comments from yesterday too thoroughly so hopefully most of this shit wasn't discussed already. Or else it's gonna be a boring ass day for everyone. Well, for all of you anyway since I'll be traveling all day for work and will randomly be stopping by. Iceman, out.