Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Hilariousness from AllStar Weekend


"The tight pants mask my love handles."



Nice of G$ to handle some MoneyShot cleaning duties yesterday like the house bitch he is.  Amiright?  NOW GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, WHORE!  No surprise here with the dead zone upon us and me hating baseball/hockey the way I do.  Today we'll talk about the NBA All-Star weekend and the hilarious things that went down.  Mostly unintentionally hilarious, of course.

-Paul George is TOTES a great shooter.  LOLZ!  Way to set an all time low in 3 pointers made, shit stain. (upon further review it appears that there have been worse scores than George's.  Doesn't make it any better though) Sweet air ball too, brah.  I'm pretty sure I could accidentally score 11 points in the NBA 3 point contest.  Who am I kidding??  I would win that mother fucker because my jumper is more wet than a black lady's sloth crotch while standing in line at the Golden Corral.  I CHALLENGE KYRIE IRVING!!

-Tony Parker is a mega queer.  Watching TP finish DEAD LAST in the dribble thingy that the point guards do made my heart sing.  Especially after listening to Reggie Miller give Parker a sloppy BJ throughout the entire competition.  I'm surprised Regg didn't follow up his TP fellate with a 30 minute bitch session about how Tayshaun's playoff block on him was goal tending.  You know...that play that happened like 10 years ago that he still pisses and moans about to this day like a whiny fuck face?

-The Dunk Contest is closer than ever to being eliminated.  And it should be.  Ide commented about this yesterday but it bears repeating.  The Dunk Contest is absolute shit and should be aborted until players actually worth talking about are in it.  Now...I watch a pretty healthy amount of NBA basketball.  And I also play fantasy basketball.  So when there are TWO FUCKING GUYS in the dunk contest I've never heard of then we have a problem.  What's worse is that one of the guys I didn't know was the DEFENDING DUNK CHAMP!!  And enough of this "you have a minute thirty to dunk and get as many misses as you want" horse shit.  Fucking man up and do the contest the way it was intended.  You miss?  You suck.  I'm done watching this trash event.

-NBA players dress like hipster faggots.  This is getting out of fucking control.  I liked it better when these dick bags dressed like Steve Urkel.  Example.  Did anyone happen to see what LeBron was wearing on Saturday?  It looked like one of those plastic jump suits high school wrestlers wear when they're trying to drop weight the day of a match.  His pants had a fucking elastic band on them for Christ sake!  Also, I'm pretty sure Durant's shirt was made by a 12 year old.  Girl or gay boy...take your pick.  Sexy bedazzle there, guy!  Killer sleeveless jean jacket, stud!  Oh!  And who can forget Blake Griffin's leather jacket he apparently stole after mugging the prop guy from the set of Knight Rider?  Rusty Westbrook can straight get fucked with everything he was wearing on Friday.  It's like there was a league wide competition to out fucking retard each other.  And the loser is America.

-Everything that happens Saturday night (minus the dunk contest) > The actual All-Star game.  I literally watched less than 5 minutes of the All-Star game Sunday night and the part that I did watch was a fucking snoozer.  The best part of the game was watching Noah's sad attempt at D-ing up CP3 in the 4th and getting facialed.  Oh.  And also watching...

-Kobe punking the fuck out of LeBron.  I haven't read anything on the Interwebs, but I'm sure LeBron is getting absolutely destroyed for what Kobe did to him in the 4th quarter last night.  Here's my take on it:  Hilarious to watch...but not surprising.  Because Kobe is a complete fuck.  To me it looked like LeBron was trying to keep things fun and light while Kobe morphed himself into "Asshole douche bag who dives for balls, takes charges and calls defensive 3 seconds in a pick up game at the rec" mode.  Kobe had that crazy look in his eye like, "I'm better than this fuck and I'm about to prove it to the world".  Watching Kobe take guarding LeBron waaaaaaaaay too seriously Sunday night was such a classic Kobe LOLZ moment for the ages.

-There is nothing good about Nick Cannon.  Rarely do I get embarrassed for people when I see them acting like a twat on TV.  But in a rare moment Saturday, I found every interview Nick Cannon doing with NBA players painfully unwatchable.  Cannon reminded  me of that kid in high school who tries so hard to get all the cool kids to like him by trying way too hard to be funny.  It's how I imagine high school was for Drew.  I can't figure out why TV networks still ask Cannon to do stuff.  It's remarkable how someone can be so bad at interacting with humans, yet always seems to have meaningful work.

-Rick Fox is shit.  I don't think collectively as a group, we have all agreed on any one thing here.  Besides Jeff being the worst.  But I think we can all vigorously nod our heads in agreement when I say that Rick Fox is the complete package when it comes to all things fucktardery and douchbaggery.  It was great watching him stumble through segments like he's never been in front of a camera before.  It was one of those rare moments when watching someone you truly hate fail at something makes you genuinely more happy in your own life.  Rick Fox being unemployed is what this nation was founded on and what makes America great.  Let's make that happen again.

-Jordan is NOT coming back and if he did he would get embarrassed.  FACT!  I want to murder anyone who has this twisted sense of reality that Michael Jordan could seriously come back right now and compete in today's game.  This is such a fucking stupid argument.  I would say maybe even more dumb than people saying that "insert best college football team" could beat "insert worst NFL team".  We all know this fucker is 50, right?  We understand that he most likely needs boner pills to hold an erection at this phase of his life, yes?  Shit...I would even go as far as to say that Jordan would struggle even making a roster right now.  I'm sure some dipshit here thinks differently though.  It's probably Ace.  That sounds like an Ace thing to argue.

Alright, ya fuckin boobs!  That's what I got.  Wasn't too hard to follow up yesterday's ELITE mail in post by the site creator as you can tell.  I didn't check the comments from yesterday too thoroughly so hopefully most of this shit wasn't discussed already.  Or else it's gonna be a boring ass day for everyone.  Well, for all of you anyway since I'll be traveling all day for work and will randomly be stopping by.  Iceman, out.

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

Highlight of all-star weekend were the pictures of Steve Francis around town. He looks like he's 60 years old and just all fucked up.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Jordan could make the Bobcats team due to the fact that a) he fucking owns them and b) he already beat Seals crush MKG one on one (lol).

The last time I saw Rick Fox in anything was Oz.

Ide

GMoney said...

Did you know that MJ turned 50 recently? I did not until ESPN beat me to death with that news. Why didn't Mark Rypien get that same amount of fluffing when he turned to 50? At least Ryp has a sexy daughter instead of two loser sons.

Kyrie breaking British Knight's legs off Friday was ELITE. Great weekend for the young guy who represents me.

I have a weird thing for celebrity games during All-Star weeks and the basketball version is no different. However, that was pure shit on Friday night. When the big drama is little black comedian vs. guy from Hunger Games, that is not interesting. Although I will always love Dikembe. His Geico commercial is ELITE.

I agree with the dunk contest. You should get TWO tries to put one down. MAX. And you should never EVER pay tribute to Vince Carter AKA the least likeable player of the last 20 years. Not one person has ever respected him, Terrence Ross, so neither should you.

MJ is 50 if you didn't know.

Grumpy said...

Vince Carter knows math.

Anonymous said...

Bosh had a LOLZ worth performance in the first half... 3 airballs and 2 guys embarrasing him by dribbling/passing between his legs. Nice start in place of Rondo, Spoelstra.

Kyrie embarassing Knight in the rising stars game was incredible. He is so good.

Seal

GMoney said...

Unfortunately, Knight almost always beats Kyrie because for some reason the Cavs are always terrible against the garbage Pistons. But we'll always have that GIF.

Remember how some people here think that the Cavs should have taken Derrick Williams and hoped that Knight was still there at 4 over Kyrie. Hilariously dumb.

By the way, I'm not sure when the ASG is coming to Cincy (2015?) but I am TOTES going to the celebrity softball game there. I will high five James Denton.

GMoney said...

And stop calling Tony Parker "TP". That is one man's nickname and it does not apply to anyone else. Steal from you, steal from me.

Jeff said...

How long til Kyrie bolts?

Do you think Todd Richards will make it back to CBus after this road trip? Man, they can look good for long periods of time only to score a goal or two, but then have an awful stretch of 30 sec. - 2 min and give up 2 or 3 goals in that span.

Can the draft be tomorrow? No excuses with our 3 1st rounders in this "loaded" draft class.

Prime99 said...

Is Michael Jordan 50?

The All Star game started 53 minutes late due to the fact that NBA All Star Ne-Yo had a concert. That's on time for black people, correct?

The NBA is lucky that basketball, in general, is an awesome sport because they get so much wrong.

Anonymous said...

Jeff - which NBA team are you a fan of? I assume since youre such an awesome fan of sports and like the Steelers and Sox, that you are a Lakers fan? Or maybe Bulls?

Seal

GMoney said...

Your half-DeMarcus son is going to come out in 11 months because of CPT, Prime.

We've got Kyrie for at least 5 more years. Plenty of time for him to win a billion rings!

I completely forgot that the Jackets played last night. The long drive wiped my ass out. I could see Richards getting canned but it wouldn't really be fair since the team isn't very talented at all up front. This is a "free pass" sort of season in my opinion.

***OK, if RibFest is going to be at say 6 pm on 3/23, can we do the baseball draft at like 1 or 2 on the same day? Can people swing this? Plus, it would allow us all to start drinking before cup-checking Grump all night like true BRAHS.***

GMoney said...

Seal, he picked the Wolves earlier this year due to their whiteness. Great decision.

Prime99 said...

Didn't Jeff proclaim his love for the white T-Wolves?

Jeff said...

CELTICS - Bill Russell era

Anonymous said...

Does Ribfest give us a pass to ice Grumpy? This is unsatisfactory behavior, but the comedic value might be too much to pass up.

I'm fine with the timing.

Ide

Jeff said...

The T-Wolves are "MY" team due to their dominant skin color being white. I don't really care for the NBA. I like watching Lebron. IMO, I find the college variety of bball more watchable and the NCAA tourny being the best post season in sports.

Ice Man said...

Here's the thing about Derrick Williams. Minnesota should have never drafted him. They took best player available and didn't draft for need. Knight and Irving were both starting from day one because both teams needed that position. So when Williams gets traded...and he should...hopefully then we can see what he's capable of. But being buried on a team loaded with big men for 2 years hasn't really given him a chance to do much. And don't talk about the injuries this year and how he's had a chance to perform because any former AFFleate knows undoing damage to a person's psyche takes some doing. You can't undo 2 years of getting shit on in 4 weeks. Knight/Williams could still be better than the Irving/Thompson combo if Williams ever gets a chance to be a starter. I'm sure cavs mouth breathers will hammer me for this but how can you properly evaluate Williams at this point in his career when he hasn't had a chance? It's not his fault he was drafted by the absolute worst team that could've taken him.

Anonymous said...

IMO, I find the college variety of bball more watchable and the NCAA tourny being the best post season in sports.

Jeff - we can now be friends. Best thing you have ever said on here.

Seal

GMoney said...

I see what you're saying about Williams but he will always be a tweener and they don't have a very good track record for becoming ELITE other than LeBron. But if he is truly going to be something in the league, wouldn't any decent player get a ton of burn on an awful team?

The FACT that T-Double is showing that he can or will be a walking double-double is very encouraging no matter how ugly it looks.

Anonymous said...

So, Bladerunner made his deposition today. Oh man, dude is TOTES guilty.

Line of the day:

"Although I did not have my prosthetic legs on I have mobility on my stumps."

hahahahahahahahahhahaah

Ide

Prime99 said...

Someone on the radio said there were a lot of holes in Blade Runner's story. I agree. By my count there were 6. 3 through the bathroom door and 3 through his girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

I can do the draft on 3/23, but I may have to miss the rib portion of ribfest. I will be able to meet you all out for boozing later on the though.

The reason I won't be able to go the rib portion of the evening is too embarrassing to state here. It may or may not involve girls basketball.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Shit. Back to the drawing board. How about the 24th then? Sundays were made for bowling/fantasy baseball drafts.

Ace said...

And yes, I do believe that Jordan could get back into playing shape and be successful in the NBA. Are you really telling me that MJ couldn't average 13-5-4 right now? He's not going to be a Top 20 producer or anything, but he can still play. Definitely wouldn't get owned. Guy is just too great.

Damman, Brady would like to thank you for taking the title of worst excuse ever from him.

Derrick Williams no es bueno.

Jeff said...

Wait, Damman said 3/23 was OK for the draft. Did I miss something?

Brady said...

Wow. This a lot of information concerning the All-Star weekend. There is no way you watched all of this right? Right? Must have been a slow weekend at the Ice residence.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I can do the draft on 3/23. Just not Barley's, but I will be back for post Barley's. Ape, I know you will miss me but I promise to hurry back for you.

My niece has an AAU tourney in Cbus that weekend and I have to make an appearance. There is no way around this. Extracting myself for the draft is already going to create enough waves with my family.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

So Damman is out of Ribfest on account of girls basketball? Brady lives in Toledo or one of those shit parts of Ohio, so as much shit as we give him for his dogs, cousins neutering day celebration, the trip was at least understandable. Damman is going to see presumably underage girls play basketball?!?! In Columbus!?!?

Is one of your taut (liberal use) divorcee's kids playing? Are you reffing?! Is it a youth downs syndrome only league where you hope to score some cooze by going to?

Is wearing a Mississippi Sambo's jersey allowed to Ribfest? Just wondering....

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh, or that.

Ide

GMoney said...

AHHHHHHHHHHH! Cool. We're back to 3/23 in the afternoon. EVERYBODY BACK ON THE PILE!

LOL at a 50 year old MJ being able to contribute at all. Here is his stat line: 2/0/1 in ten minutes before he collapses.

Ice Man said...

No. I don't think Jordan would or could average that. HES FUCKING 50!! I don't care how great he was. No 50 year old is seriously competing against the worst NBA player half his age. The game is so much faster today and guys are noticeably stronger. Jordan would get fucking owned on both ends of the court. There's no way he's even close to being quick enough to compete now. And he's not tall enough to be a lumbering big man that doesn't need to move outside of the paint. He would be asked to guard guys like Steph Curry, Rusty Westbrook and Derrick Rose. And he would get destroyed by them all.

Anonymous said...

"He would be asked to guard guys like Steph Curry, Rusty Westbrook and Derrick Rose. And he would get destroyed by them all."

He played the 2 not the 1, and is noticeably bigger than those guys. I doubt even the worst coaches would make that call.

Since you're intent on having this conversation, I'll have it for lack of anything else to do at work. First, and again, he already dominated (everyone else's words, not mine) Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, who, while not the worst kid in the league, was a top draft pick and not even 20 yet. This happened a few weeks ago. He spend the next day in the trainers.

Could he play an entire game? Fuck and no. Could he average whatever the hell Jamison said he would? Not a chance. Could he go out and play maybe 15 minutes, and contribute, on one night? Absolutely. His jump shot is still there, hell, it's all muscle memory at this point for him. All he has to do is drive and he will end up at the foul line. His legacy of getting every call coupled with the fact that every kid will try to shut him down will probably get him 10-14 free throw attempts per game.

You say that the players are bigger and faster, and most would tend to agree. But, would you actually, truthfully, say that the game today is rougher? Not a chance. So you have big ol' Lebron running around, but when was the last time you actually saw him commit a huge foul? He bragged about going on the huge foulless streak earlier in the season, which by the way, is NOTHING to brag about. Today's game is soft, I don't think he would get beaten up, unless Barnes or Artest played against him.

I agree that he would be mostly worthless on defense. He might be able to control the flow of his man, but that's it.

Ide


Brady said...

Ide comes to my defense! This is a great day to be alive.

I really don't care when Ribfest is scheduled. I will be there this year. No way I'm missing out on hanging with my crude internet friends in real life. Hell, I've already missed the opportunity when I was in the same bar for two hours with some of you.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ stupid Cavs fans like Slow Seal. What a sick move in a rookie soph game! How about when Knight and company beat the shit out of Kyrie a couple Weeks ago and left Kyrie saying he was "bored" that night. What a winner that Kyrie guy is. Hey....at least he brings it in EXHIBITION games. Man you guys are so dumb for real.

--Drew

Ice Man said...

He played he 2 he played the 1...who gives a shit? He was a guard. Guards guard guards. Joe D was technically a 1 and he guarded Jordan every game. So he "schooled" MKG. big deal. playing a dude one on one is a completely different animal than playing a team game. And how do we know MKG was going all out? who wants to be the guy who shows up his idol in front of the team his idol owns? the team you happen to play for? Fact is that Jordan would be a defensive liability no matter if he were guarding a 1 or a 2. Now...if he could still sink 30 a game then no one would care. But he's not doing that and no coach would ever play a guy who scores 8 and gives up 15 to the guy he's assigned to...no matter what his prior NBA legacy is.

And I really don't think Jordan would get the same calls in today's game. Everyone already hates him because of how arrogant he is. I can't imagine that's different with NBA officials. I can see that going the opposite way actually if Jordan was ever dumb enough to try a comeback. The officials saying, "this fuck face thinks we're gonna bail him out...try again, dildo."

Prime99 said...

"Everyone hates [Jordan]"

Nope. That's just you, Iceman. I know you're still bitter about Jordan finally ramming his cock down Bill Lambier's throat, but most people still admire or love Jordan. Who gives a shit if Jordan can play today or not? Let's debate something that might happen- like Iceman cleaning the attic.

Anonymous said...

Wasn't Isiah the 1 and Joe D 2?

GMoney said...

Michael Jordan actually employs three point marksman Byron James Mullens. Dude sucks. He would probably get crushed by the shitty Trey Burke. Plus, he is kind of chunky these days so how long are we giving him to get in shape? The answer is "it doesn't matter" because he would be a below average D-League player due to his half of one hundred age.

Christ, the comment section is starting to turn into an episode of First Take. WUT DOES TEEEEEBOW THINK ABOUT MJ?

Brady, Ribfest is 3/23 and that is NOT changing. I'm just trying to nail down our fantasy baseball draft date since Tebow and the rest of the God-wads scheduled Easter on Elite 8 Sunday this year.

LOLZ @ Drew for not appreciating how Kyrie is the newest superstar in the league and way better than British Knights and his weirdo jump shot. It would be nice if we could ever beat the garbage Pistons and their 4000 fans though.

Anonymous said...

MJ would rain shit on JJ Redick, who is also a SG, team game or not. FACT.

Dispute that, motherfuckers.

Ide

GMoney said...

Hold on a minute, what team is MJ playing for anyway? Because I want to point and laugh at the team that is signing 50 year old guys.

FACT: JJ Redick would own Michael Jordan. You know why? Because Redick would just run off baseline screens all day long and Jordan will be sucking wind by the third possession. Plus, Redick has homo STREMPH.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ G$ not caring that Kyrie gets "bored" letting the Pistons hand his ass to him. What a leader! What a winner! Sounds like a great captain for thr future....except when "bored" playing like a poor mans Trey Burke against a divisonal opponent.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew,

I’ll give you that the Pistons have the Cavs number this year. However, in that DET game Kyrie took complete blame for getting “disinterested” and vowed it would never happen again. The next night he had a game winner against OKC. Is that six game winners in 90 games? So yeah, he’s a leader and a winner.

Also, what’s more LOL? Actually providing sick moves in an exhibition game or trying to provide sick defense in an exhibition game and getting your legs tangled and falling over?

J from JBeanie

GMoney said...

J wins. Drew is always the worst. WORSE THAN JEFF!

I don't like it but I don't blame a 20 year old kid getting bored playing in front of 6 fans against a shitty team while he plays on a bad team. That's human nature. Go back to your bridge, troll.

Ice Man said...

They were both PGs. They could both be considered 1 or 2.

Anonymous said...

J Beanie...neither are LOL. What's LOL is actually taking the play in that game serious.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Three Billy Goats Gruff reference, son!!!!

Anonymous said...

Practice is the only acceptable time for goofing off and not caring in a game, period. I don't care if its playing an away game in Toronto, the Rising Stars game, the ASG, or gorilla ball with the negroes, if you're on the court, you fucking play.

Brandon Knight reminds me of the little talked about run in I had with CP3. I knew I was going to get my ass handed to me, so I let him by. I didn't come up with some half assed excuse like, oh well, I was bored, so I let him American History X my ass on the court, doesn't matter though since it was a pickup game. YOLO. Apathy trumps ankle breaking in every case. I still chose right, and I deserved the criticism I got.

You get dogged by a player where cameras and people can see (or in MJ's case, in practice with like 4 other people), people will know, point, and laugh. Stop making excuses for people playing shitty and acting like it doesn't matter. That's their fucking job.

And Ice, in this dream scenario, stop coming up with retarded matchups. The people that guarded MJ did so because their defense best suited his offense, comparatively. He also got double teamed a lot (phrasing), so are you going to say that he can't score against Chalmers AND D-Wade? The same would hold true today, so not even Del Negro would put MJ on any good PG in the league.

Ide

Ice Man said...

Ide...the only person who agrees with you on this MJ matter is Ace. If there were ever a dead giveaway that you're wrong about this, there it is. He's 50, out of shape, over weight and oh yeah...fucking 50. So yes...he would get humiliated by Chalmers. Which is about the most embarrassing thing that can happen to anyone. You and Ace are probably also the dipshits who think Barry Sanders can still lace it up in today's NFL game, right?

Prime, I think more people hate Jordan than you want to believe after his HOF speech. That speech rubbed a lot of people the wrong way and for good reason. He came off as a really big cock sucker.

Ide said...

You missed the point entirely. I wasn't just agreeing with you, I was pointing out how retarded it is to make those comparisons. It is ludicrous to think that he would dominate matchups. But, the point is he would be effective in the course of the game.

Ide

GMoney said...

A big cocksucker as a person or a guy who only sucks big cocks? It's the latter, right?

Mr. Ace said...

Put Jordan on the Spurs right now and they are the favorites to win it all. FACT.

The Iceman said...

As a guy who loves to put man dick in his mouth. Just to clarify.

Brady said...

God I can't wait for basketball season to end.