Thursday, February 14, 2013

Hail To The Question Mark

So I says to Xenu I says--I'll tell you later
The worst part about the end of football season is that unless some coach starts raping kids and everyone else tries to cover it up, there isn’t always a ton of stuff to write about on a fine site such as this. Drew gave me a pretty good idea for a food post which may run tomorrow, but I figured today that I would address something that actually affects me as a fan. It wouldn’t be an NFL off-season if the media wasn’t rallying support around the cause of changing the Redskins team name. It’s like clockwork. As soon as the Super Bowl parade ends, everyone wants the Redskins to stop scalping minorities in the parking lots surrounding FedEx Field or whatever the hell they think happens.

Look, it’s hard to justify the existence of the team’s nickname without coming off like a “DEY TOOK OUR JERBS” redneck so I won’t. The whole notion of pride and tradition is kind of pointless and only serves to make those making excuses look like clowns. I get that. But as I seem to have to say every year, I don’t want the name to change. I don’t ever want it to change. I already went through this once. I have no real logical and sane reason to feel this way. I just do. Maybe I don’t hold onto enough white guilt (and don’t kid yourself, this is why this debate pops up constantly) or maybe I have better things to do than worry about the feelings of the zero Native Americans that I know. What I do know is that giving into these pussy liberals (which I am one of 99% of the time) seems like a horrible idea.

I don’t care that the name is offensive. I really don’t. Who watched the Skins lose to the Seahawks 6 weeks ago and said “FUCK THOSE PEOPLE UP THEIR WIGWAMS!” It’s a team name. That’s it. It isn’t a cause to slaughter the Hopi tribe or ban Firewater or have Sam Bradford go on a vision quest. Are the Redskins even that offensive compared to other franchises in the NFL? Get a load of this research:

Rams – Named after gay sex
Buccaneers – Named after Somali pirates/my neighbors that hijack cruise ships
Vikings – Some of the finest rapists ever bred in Europe
Packers – Another team focused on gay sex
Bears – Why do fat, hairy gay guys get their own team again?
Chargers – Not really sure why identity thieves are honored…that is a HUGE pain in the dick—just like Phil Rivers
Chiefs – If the Skins are taking heat, why aren’t these assholes?
Raiders – That guy on the helmet looks like a fine citizen
Bills – I’ll never understand why Canadian and one time commenter, Bill Wennington, got his own franchise
Jets – I forget…what was it that took down the World Trade Center again? It wasn’t a Colt!
Browns – Named after poop; play like it, too.

You see? There are so many insensitive team names around the league that it makes little sense just to target one. I’m not so sure that Redskins is even offensive anyway. When you name a team after Mike Shanahan’s skin hue, shouldn’t he be the one that is upset instead of the Navajos and liberals?

Seriously though, I get that the franchise has a fairly racist past and the name of the team is quite outdated. Considering that the Skins are one of the five most valuable franchises in all of sports, a couple of scathing articles in the Washington Post isn’t going to do anything. The brand (and the money that Danny Boy rakes in) means more than a little negative press. Nothing is ever going to change. Plus we have the best uniforms in football and that matters, dammit!

And it shouldn’t change because as long as The Mississippi Sambos are still functioning in whatever sport they play, the Washington Redskins are going to be just fine. GO SAMBOS! Bomb The Indians! Take Their Casinos!

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

G$ just lobbed a ball directly over the plate for Ide....

--Drew

Anonymous said...

This day got much more awesome after that legless Olympian blasted his girlfriend in the face after she tried sneaking in his house for a Valentine's day surprise. That might go down as one of the all time epic fails for v day.

Also, did he hear her and snap on his blade legs then rund down the stairs guns blazing? So many hilarious examples!

Ide

Grumpy said...

Some of my best friends are Native Americans.

GMoney said...

So got out and buy them RG3 jerseys for Valentine's Day, tough guy.

I have no idea what Ide is talking about but it feels like a story I should read/do tonight when I get home.

MUDawgfan said...

G$ - I agree with you that the team name shouldn't change. The Braves took heat this year because they wanted to bring back the old screaming chief hat.
I personally think it was a nice retro look but the front office caved and dropped the idea:
http://nesncom.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/barves.jpg?w=400&h=225

Anywho - it seems most of the progressive shitbags who are upset at the name redskins simply hate the profile of the indian "chief redskin" we'll call him.

Why not just do away with it and use the arrow helmets and change the logo on the field? That outta shut those Gawker reading cunts right up!

Jeff said...

As long as Ole Miss is the Rebels, any native 'mercan team name is fine. Ole Miss did have to change their mascot to a "Negro Bear" from Robbie E Lee or whatever that general was, but kept their name. The skins should just get some stupid mascot like Miss Piggy to take the heat off their name. Worked for Ole Miss apparently. The Braves pussed out on the screaming engine logo too.

Jeff said...

Dawg beat me too it.

GMoney said...

As long as Chief Wahoo is around, the Redskins will never have the most racist logo. Our scalp collector actually looks dignified.

The arrow helmets were pretty sweet. I'll give you that.

Basically, I just wanted to remind everyone about the Mississippi Sambos because that is Ape's finest contribution to this site.

Prime99 said...

Injun is a funny word.

Redskins can keep their name because I sure as fuck don't want the Blackhawks to change their awesome uniforms/team name.

MUDawgfan said...

http://www.hollandbarstool.com/documents/image/Logo-Series-Images/NHL/Chicago%20Blackhawks/LOGO-IMAGE-BLACK.jpg

and

http://content.sportslogos.net/logos/7/168/full/zh2dlesaa9i69f6flilx.gif

Other than the fact that the Blackhawk chief is smiley and happy and looks like he's having a nice afternoon, the logos are pretty similar.
It's really a testament to how much nobody gives a crap about the NHL. There is zero outrage about the blackhawk logo

Ace said...

If the Redskins weren't in chocolate city then I don't think it would be as big of a deal. But they are, so it is a big deal. Does DC even have any ties to native american tribes? Florida State got it right.

It's not like the team will of the sudden not be a top 5 money team if they did change the name. Hell, if they went about it right(no chance), it could actually create more money for them. It is insensitive, you don't even try to deny that, so good for you. I think there are more important things to focus on regarding race relations, but the NFL is an enormous bullseye and attention grabber, so it will continue to happen until it changes.

Mississippi Sambos...still waiting for Rob Parker to sign his contract offer.

Ice Man said...

GO PIGSKINS! Almost as queer as the New Orleans Pelicans. I actually want this name changed but for totally selfish reasons. So it makes G$ a more miserable bastard.

GMoney said...

The Blackhawks have the best logo in sports (potential future post?).

Miami had regional ties to a tribe, too, but white guilt was too strong. White guilt is way too powerful and pointless.

You're right, Ape, there is no chance in Hell that they would go about it the right away. We would end up being the Flamingos or Hired Help or something.

The NFL doesn't back down from anyone. They aren't going to do that here either.

The best part about all of this is Mike Florio (worse than PK) DEMANDING that RG3 personally lead the crusade to change the name. SO DUMB FO REAL.

GMoney said...

I, for one, think that Pelicans is a really unique and sick name for a team.

Prime99 said...

What are you talking about?! Washington is sneaky, they went from the Bullets to the Grand Wizards (way more racist). The Redskins would find a way to make it more racist. Like the Washington Obamas and have the logo like like a Fat Albert cartoon version of the Prez.

Prime99 said...

Just saw the Blade Runner murder story. It is unreal- get on it, G$!

Ide said...

Mississippi Sambo's is without a doubt the finest Ape contribution ever.

Unsurprisingly, I have zero problem with any of these team names. If the Redskins were such a horrible name, then why don't we see any injuns outside FedEx field protesting (aside from the fact that it's FedEx Field)? It's some faggot white liberal who raises hell about these names, not the injuns. Hell, the first Redskins fan that I knew was an injun that worked for my dad, and he was a die hard fan. Cleveland Indians and those totes racist drummers in the bleachers are exponentially more offensive. They even employed Randy Quaid in a few movies, that is deplorable to say the least. Either cast him as Cousin Eddy or GTFO.

Of course Grumpy is friends with injuns. I firmly believe that Grumpy hits every single stereotype associated with southern Ohio people. Gun owner, liberal, chili eater, claims to know various minorities, Steelers fan, vintage car enthusiast, cries at nature, and many more.

This Blade Runner story, is ELITE. The Nike commercial where he claims to be the "bullet in the chamber" is LOLS.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Fuck you Grumpy for defending that murderer!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Cries at nature! Terrific. That is a beautiful tree though! Harvey Updyke better not be seen anywhere near it.

Get on what, Prime? I'm not interested in "interviewing" Stubby The Murderer.

Liberal is not a stereotype of Southern Ohioans. You know that.

Brady said...

I laugh and point at these douchebags that get all hot and bothered over team names. I've been to three Tribe opening days and there are always like five weird Native Americans milling around with crudely written signs (I assume because they're drunk or infected with small pox from the blankets they're wearing). Nobody pays any attention to them and it brings absolutely zero awareness to the "cause".

I would however buy some snakes or sparklers from them if they had set up a stand.

Create a team called the honkies or whities. I don't fucking care.

/applauds G$ for his analysis of other team names.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Redskins, RG3 is eyeing an opening day return. God, I hope he rushes back and shreds his knee into 1000 pieces opening day. Dan Snyder deserves nothing less.

Ide

Prime99 said...

No interviews, just thought the topic is funny. "Bullet in the Chamber" is fast at running and murder.

GMoney said...

Dan Snyder does deserve to break into Stubby's house and everything else horrible in life, but not at the expense of "Black Jesus" (not my nickname but I like it).

I'm not sure why Doc Rivers and Calipari aren't catching Hell for playing Rondo and Nerlens when it was quite OBVZ to smart people like me that they were going to blow out their knees!

One day, I would like join up with those stupid protesters and just start yelling "DENTAL PLAN! LISA NEEDS BRACES!"

Anonymous said...

Oh man, this Stumps story keeps getting better. He has a history with donestic violence and he is a motherfucking sharpshooter who knotched 96% headshots from 300m (metric for far) with 50 bullets, meaning he went 48/50. And this dumb bitch sneaks in his house?

NYTimes reporter interviewed him some time ago,saying somone broke into his house, so he grabbed a gun and TIPTOED downstairs. That made me LOL.

Ide

GMoney said...

I'm strongly considering using this as a role play game with the missus tonight. I'll just lay in bed with a loaded gun and 400 paper clips taped to me knees and see where the night goes from there...

By the way, this guy is TOTES full of shit. He absolutely murdered her. Who kills a hot chick? CRAY!

Anonymous said...

That's some dark fantasy imagining you as an Olympic athlete.

Ide

GMoney said...

As dark as the men that you let rape you at the gym, breh.

Nate said...

Excellent Simpsons reference.

"I do not go for those backdoor shenanigans!"

Grumpy said...

You'll be searching a long time to find another liberal in SW Ohio, much less Southern Ohio.

I can go 50/50 on head shots at 7 yds., which is the distance for most intruders in your home. Anybody can with no pressure and no adrenaline flowing. Besides,you're taught to aim for center body mass anyway.

Anonymous said...

Obama won Hamilton county. My point is well founded.

ELITE news. I am going to Las Vegas May 19-23rd. The zombie race is the 25th. Lets hope the Spearmint Rhino has treadmills.

Ide

GMoney said...

He only won because the alternative options sucked the last two elections...not because Kentucky's Hat is a liberal area.

Ice Man said...

Brady's analysis of the Native American people is ON POINT. Best contribution he's ever made here.

"NYTimes reporter interviewed him some time ago,saying somone broke into his house, so he grabbed a gun and TIPTOED downstairs. That made me LOL."

This is fucking fabulous. All I can see is this fucker trying to be all quiet and all you hear is "tink tink tink tink tink"...followed by several curse words under his breath. I compare it to when I'm punishing my dog and he tries to get up off the punishment donut undetected when he thinks I'm not looking. Watching him try to navigate his crack nails on the hard wood floor in silencer mode is priceless.

GMoney said...

I will conclude my thoughts on the Redskins with one question:

What does Chief Running Zack have to say?

Prime99 said...

He would find a Native American leather keep sake under his pillow and know exactly the right thing to do.