Thursday, February 28, 2013

Dwyane Wade Is A Turd Burglar

Uh oh, better bring out the wheelchair!
If there is one certain thing that we all know and can agree on, it is that you don’t give yourself a nickname. While I blossomed as G$ once I discovered the internet, I have to give credit to Big Dick Daddy Sping for calling me that in high school. I’m not going to reveal names but some of you will get who I’m talking about, but at some point in my younger years, a buddy of mine started asking if everyone could start calling him “Stiffler” after the popular douche bag. It was a bizarre request that was honored by exactly no one. I never forgot about it though (and if the accused is reading this, you should have known better, bro!) and am proud to reference it today. Again, you don’t give yourself a nickname.

Don’t tell that to Dwyane Wade. This highly unlikeable fella would appreciate it if everyone started calling him WOW for the rest of eternity. WOW, naturally, stands for “Way of Wade” which is more of a terrible self-help book title than it is a nickname. The fuck does that even mean? Way of Wade? Wouldn’t it make more sense if WOW stood for “Whine or Wheelchair”? Count it. Nailed it. With authority.  I would have also accepted "Weed Over Watermelon".

So I’m watching the Cavs and Heat play on Sunday night and for the second time this season, the Cavs snatched defeat from the jaws of victory down in the land of the great fans. It was frustrating as this team is wont to be. CJ Miles, normally worthless, had one of those rare games where EVERYTHING he threw up was going in. And he was talking mad shit about it as if it weren’t total luck. We had the lead with a few minutes remaining but then Bron shut down Kyrie and the resurgent (and looking like a star these days) Dion Waiters just ran out of plays to make while the wine and gold stopped playing defense of any kind. It’s maddening to watch this happen but this is what young teams do.

I continue to soften my hate toward LeBron as the days go by. I mean, look at the landscape, everything is pointing to him coming back after next season. He keeps rebuilding local ties and the Cavs continue to not address the SF position on the roster. Why are they not considering to ever trade Varejao? Because they’re boys. I’m not saying that I guarantee it or anything but it sure as hell looks like things are shaping up for some sort of massive return home. Iceman, read this carefully because you are going to want to beat me over the head with this paragraph—I am not counting on this happening, but I don’t think that anyone would be surprised if or when it does. Just like in pro wrestling, faces turn heel and then back to face all the time.

I said last year some time that it would be hard for me to ever support that guy again.  And it will if he and Dan Gilbert decide to play tummy sticks for a second time.  But what I've come to realize as I age is that I'd rather win with relaxed principles than lose forever on my moral high horse.  That's just fucking stupid to not think that way.  Like I said, though, we'll see how this shakes out in another 16 months.

But I’m still contractually obligated to keep the same level of hate for the Heat. Where does it go if it is coming off of LeBron? Well, I will forever mentally feel like Chris Bosh is just an ass player who is the luckiest dinosaur on the planet to have friends in high places. He should be rotting in Canada. All of that scorn though is where it should be…with Wade. I know that most of you can’t stand to watch pro basketball games and I can see why but give the Heat a half some time and just watch “WOW”. If he’s not crying to the refs then he’s in a constant state of mean-mugging to no one in particular after making routine plays. He plays the game like Tim Donaghy is his personal ref and that he demands every call. He whines and flops and stares and whines some more the entire time that he’s out there. And he gets away with it!

So there you go. In what should come as no surprise to anyone, the guy who makes up his own nickname, acts like a dick, and apparently has sex with Gabrielle Union in front of his own children is now my least favorite player in all of sports. I just can’t think of any situation where I would root for Whine or Wheelchair. None. Playing the Celtics? Go KG and Jelly Rolls!

And if we’re making up nicknames for each other here today (we can--I will allow it), I nominate “Dash” for Brady due to his apparent ELITE speed. And he sounds like the kind of guy that would skip out on a restaurant bill.

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is this a masked shot at Iceman? I actually emailed him about choosing that nickname as there is only one true Iceman and that is George Gervin. I think he actually went to you G$ to ask your opinion and you thought it was fine. You were an accomplice to a self given nick name.
As for Wade, I don't think there is anyone I hate more in the NBA. He's a bitch looking for fouls to bail him out constantly.
-Andrew

Anonymous said...

LeBron isn't coming back.

LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ @ Michigan basketball.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Who is Andrew? Is that the first nickname of the day?

I can't help myself, I like LeBron. He just seems like a good guy. When he jumped on the fan who made the half court shot, you could tell he was genuinely happy for the guy.

Anonymous said...

Me too Grumps. I feel sorta bad that I came up with the idea of The Decision and it made him look bad.

But, I basically trolled the whole city of Cleveland on national TV with that idea....which is awesome.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Internet names are acceptable, but go fuck yourself if you think im calling you that in real life.

By the way, didn't LeBron come up with King James?

Trey Burke sick.

Ide

GMoney said...

Windhorst AKA Fatty Windmill seems to think that he's opting out so where do you think he ends up. The Lakers seem to be a trendy pick.

Iceman was internet-started by me at his old site when he was still going as something dumb like A New Experienced Me or whatever. It was actually a nickname that no one ever used for him during his senior year of basketball at The Grand Canyon. Iceman History lesson is complete.

A guy sure does become more likeable when he drops the global icon charade and just focuses on stone cold basketball killer.

I hate Dwyane Wade so much. He should just start calling himself Manny from Modern Family because that is very fitting.

Have you ever noticed that after I correctly identified Trey Burke as a shit player, he loses all the time now??? BOW DOWN.

Nate said...

Best sports nickname I remember is Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers while he was at Xavier.

Wish that would have followed him to the NBA.

Jeff said...

I was dubbed the name Grogan Town by Dut and some other Naptown natives. I believe it's a car dealership in NW Ohio so not very creative, but probably fitting due to my used car salesman tendencies/being the FORMER worst. I can live with it.

GMoney said...

By the way, H8RZ (including myself), Dion Waiters is figuring it out and has looked like a future ELITE player over the last 5-6 weeks. Dude has been terrific. I guess Chris Grant might know more about the draft process and roster management than we do. I know, I'm shocked by that as well.

GMoney said...

Jeff, I believe that it's Grogan Towne. The extra e makes it classier. And if I'm wrong just forget that this comment ever existed.

MuDawgfan said...

HorseShoe Casino in Cincinnati now open for bidness!

FUCK YES 100x odds on craps!
I'M RICH!

Anonymous said...

Iceman and Ape sure are quiet today. Makes ya wonder if the college team they follow was ranked in the top 5 and lost to a team that had lost 18 straight conference games. LOLZ

--Drew

GMoney said...

Major LULZ indeed. I was really rooting for them to get a 1 seed so they could be the first to lose to a 16. They are the R Bar of the Big Ten. Trey Burke sucks.

Make sure you invest all of your winnings in Kool cigarettes, Dawg.

Prime99 said...

D. Wade was likable earlier in his career but he's been a whiny bitch since the Decision, if not before. Just awful.

I thought WOW was Opie & Anthony's abbreviation for Whip'em Out Wednesdays (in reference to boobs.) That was before they were relegated to satellite radio for sanctioning a couples sex competition that ended with sodomy in a Catholic cathedral. Good times!

I just believe The Decision was Drew's idea.

Grumpy said...

Horseshoe doesn't open until 3/4. Last night was for invited guests as a trial run for the Ohio gaming people.

Iceman was filling Facebook last night with his supposed nonchalance over the loss; nothing counts until the tourney, he's not disappointed, they have the talent to pull it together in March etc. I think he's running scared.

The Iceman said...

First...whatever about the game last night. I really don't care. It's pretty clear Michigan wasn't going to be the Big 10 champs this year and even though I will still watch them (unlike Brady) what happens now until the end of the season doesn't matter. If UConn can win a title as a 9 seed then it doesn't matter what seed Michigan has going into the tourney.

Second...I was given the nickname Iceman by the best beat reporter NCTV has ever seen. Berger overheard a comment made by a fan my Freshman year of high school during a basketball game. Something to the effect of "that kid having ice water in his veins". The creation of Iceman spawned from that.

Third...by saying "I'd rather win with relaxed principles than lose forever on my moral high horse" you open the door for every last Fuckeye fan to continue to justifiably defend Jim Tressel. Congrats. You've just joined the enemy. Go buy a sweater vest you pussy. I always knew you fags would openly accept LeBron back. Cavs fans are a fucking joke. HURRY!! Go buy a LeBron Cavs jersey off Ebay real quick so no one knows you burned it like a sloping headed retard when he took off to win titles somewhere else!

Anonymous said...

I believe that G$ has finally come around on you fag non student UM fans (womp womp, you weren't accepted). It was noble sticking up for you shitstains while you flailed around like armless kids in the deep end during the last 13 or so years, but now that you get a little taste of success, your old TRADITION of being sore gashes has come back in spades.

Make no mistake, UM fans are just as bad as OSU fans. They've just had their mouths stuffed with Tressel, Meyer, and Matta cock, that you can't hear them speak. Fickell loses one, and here comes the second coming of Jesus Christ with Brady Hoke. Beilein FINALLY gets a team going and its all "Fuck Yes Burke is the troof". Then when they lose to the kiddie fuckers, they play it off like nothing matters until March. OWN UP TO YOUR SHITTINESS. Then again, don't. Watching UM crash and burn gloriously will make your amazing season even more laughable.

Ide

GMoney said...

I fail to see any correlation since no Fuckeye fan has morals to begin with (see Ide's last truly awful comment which doesn't apply to ANYTHING said today). They just go from low horse to lower horse. Like I said though, I'm not throwing chalk in the air yet. It's just that it is really hard to not see the evidence mounting that a return could be in the cards.

UConn was not a 9 seed when they won the title with Kemba. No Big East tourney champ would ever be seeded that poorly. They were a 4, I think.

Trey Burke sucks. But not as much as Weed Over Watermelon. Come on, Ide, you were supposed to compliment me for that one!

Dion Waiters SICK!

The Iceman said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, Ide...but didn't we all (Michigan fans included) agree after the preseason rankings came out that top 5 was too high for Michigan? Yeah. We did. So why would I be surprised/pissed that a team that shouldn't be in the top 5 lost to a crappy team on the road? It's what happens with non top 5 teams and something I figured would happen at some point with a young team that doesn't play well on the road.

What's the true LOLZ here is that any Fuckeye fan would take Burke on their team right now. Today. But they don't admit it and instead say he "blows". So they trash him. Fuckeye fans are the loser that wasn't invited to the cool kid party that boasts they never wanted to go in the first place.

The Iceman said...

You can try and deny it all you want, G$. But the minute the guy you wouldn't even refer to by name for a full year comes skipping back to Cleveland you'll open your pussy right up for him like nothing ever happened. That's worse than what Fuckeye fans are. Pretending you have sport standards and then fucking folding when those morals are tested.

Anonymous said...

Both teams came into the season overhyped. Hell, OSU still is, imo. You guys had basically the same team as last year, which was curious to put you that high, and we had major question marks in our front court (hell, all over, really), but we had Buckets, so it seamed possible (it wasn't). This didn't stop you fuckwits from coming out every time we lost to a ranked team (which we only lose to) home, or away. You guys lost to Penn State. Penn State. Think about that. Home/away/Wichita, it doesn't matter, it's fucking Penn State, and you're top 5 at the end of February, not preseason. They lost 18 in a row to the Big Ten. That is truly an LOLZ moment. Don't try to downplay it, it's fucking demeaning to your preferred school to lose to them. It's like losing to Indiana (or ASU lulz) in football, you just don't do it.

Weed over Watermelon was good, and I noticed it, but since he is a pro and black and hasn't gotten into any trouble, I thought Watermelon over Weed was more apt. But yes, I like where your head is.

Ide

GMoney said...

We will cross that burnt bridge if we ever need to. Until then, Go Everyone But Miami. I'm still waiting to hear from The Decision Maker where he thinks Bron Bron will play after next year because no one thinks that it will be Miami.

I said Trey Burke sucks before anyone else and I'm not an Ohio Buckeye Turd Sucker.

I stand corrected. I should have reversed that order indeed. Maybe if I lived in Wichita.

Anonymous said...

Iceman sounds like a fucking retard today.

You lost at fucking PSU with a top five team. A Matta OSU team has NEVER lost to a team that bad....let alone when ranked in the top five. That is a horrendous loss and extremely embarrassing for Belein.

Also your Burke/OSU analogy doesn't work....since Burke would have LOVED a spot at the cool kids table (OSU)....but he was never offered the chance.

--Drew

Ace said...

Inferiority complex out in full force today. Hilarious. Fuckeyes are so inferior that they NEED attention from Michigan fans at every chance they get. Sometimes it is cute. Sometimes it is annoying. I imagine it is kind of like being a kindergarten teacher. NOW GO TO TIME OUT!

Was I upset about the game? Of course. We blew a 15 point lead in the 2nd half to a bad team. Stauskas was horrible at every moment in the game other than when he was hitting 3's. Burke had some bad turnovers, although all 6 weren't on him. THJ shot is off. Just a bad performance all around when Penn State hangs 80+ on you.

But I'm not going to come on here and overreact and act like we are some terrible team. Or say our coach is bad. Or say Burke isn't awesome.

I think I like Lebron. He stopped being a D-bag and caring so much about what everybody thought, and just played the game. I hope he comes back to Cleveland so that he can rip out their heart again.

And Ide, our team is nothing like last years squad. That's just dumb. Like, SO DUM FO REAL.

Also, did I give myself the Ace nickname? I honestly don't remember, but I believe it started around the time of me commenting on here/starting the Toolshed.

GMoney said...

Again, Mr. The Decision, where will he end up? You're continued ignoring of this question (for the third time now) makes you more tard than Iceman today and he is REALLY tarded today.

FYI, I did not mention Ohio/Trey Burke Sucks today yet all of you keep bringing it up. I am not the problem; you are.

Anonymous said...

"FYI, I did not mention Ohio/Trey Burke Sucks today yet all of you keep bringing it up. I am not the problem; you are."

"Have you ever noticed that after I correctly identified Trey Burke as a shit player, he loses all the time now??? BOW DOWN."

"They are the R Bar of the Big Ten. Trey Burke sucks."

"Trey Burke sucks. But not as much as Weed Over Watermelon."

"I said Trey Burke sucks before anyone else and I'm not an Ohio Buckeye Turd Sucker."

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ace-Inferiority complex? I really don't see that considering Ohio State is in no way inferior to michigan...maybe um has a better swimming program, but its definitely the other way around in money making sports. This is arguably/certainly the best um team in 20 years and they have the same conference record as Ohio State, who is having their worst season in 4 years.

Matta is a better coach than Beilein and Urban is far superior than fatfuck. You are likely to see the same dominance in this rivalry over the next decade as you did in the last.

IU and um losing the last 2 nights makes me a little more nervous about our trip to Evanston tonight, but I still expect a win.

Go Bucks!!

Buke

Prime99 said...

Today's comments made me think of this fine quote:

"Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like..."

Not sure who it applies to, but it feels right.

Ace said...

I don't think Matta is a better coach than Beilein. He had certainly been a better recruiter. But Beilein has gotten more out of less for his entire career.

I will agree that Urbz is better than Hoke. Can't really argue that point.

But that is why it is a complex. There is absolutely no reason for Fuckeyes to be so hyperfocused on UM failures because of the recent success of their programs. But here they are, trolling all over the place. It's something that (most)Fuckeyes will never be above I guess. I just don't get it.

Anonymous said...

Close, but no. You have the most heated rivalry in all American sports (sand people cricket is WAY worse). You take complete pleasure in laughing at the FAILURES of the other team. And since 2011 (and most the 90s) was dedicated solely to you UM lovers throwing our misery in our face, ths is your reward.

If you don't revel in your rivals shortcomings, watch Sesame Street or the scads of sharing is caring horseshit on kid shows. There, even the losers get a prize.

And please, don't hop on your cross and say UM wouldn't do that. Anyine who grew up in the 90s will tell you that's complete bullshit. Even UM alum fully admit to it.

Ide

Anonymous said...

G$....I think LeBron stays in Miami. Riley will figure it out and keep him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I meant that I didn't bring it up. Give me a few extra lashes for not being clear with my objectives.

Drew, it will be interesting since the new cap restraints will make these super teams so hard to maintain without having the rest of your roster filled with the Dexters Pittman and Omris Casspi of the world. Riley is a cock so I hope that he is stuck with Bosh and Bosh alone.

GMoney said...

I give Brady a nickname and then he doesn't show up. What an ass.

Prime99 said...

Was it Dash or Douche?

Anonymous said...

Doesn't he go by Johnnycakes?

Prime99 said...

Bradycakes?

GMoney said...

Well, he did say that he used to date a Tammy. Was it Tammy 1 or Tammy 2?

The Iceman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.