Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ask The Expert: Pitchers and Catchers Report

We're contenders now?
With pitchers and catchers reporting some time soon or by now or whatever, I feel that it is the right time to dust off our cups and HGH to talk baseball for a little while. As a reminder, I know that this isn’t going to be for everyone and you are more than welcome to sabotage the comments. Basically, DEAL WITH IT and thank Buddha that I don't write a summary after every Blue Jackets game.  It could be worse.

Being the objective baseball mind that I am, I decided to just do a Q and A with myself and sort of address some big questions on each of our teams as we head into Spring Training.

Q. Felix Hernandez is a tard, right?
A. Absolutely. He must be allergic to playoff baseball or something because he is never going to see it in his entire career. I don’t understand that from his point of view. You’ve given that franchise over five years and they are still terrible. They have two years left to show you something. Why agree to an extension? Other than CASH MONEY, that makes no sense. Another team with much better players would have offered that same exact contract.  Here's the difference: the big boys can afford you AND other studs.  The Mariners won't be able to bring in anyone else.  Great move, Fetus.

Q. Who the fuck is going to close for the Tigers?
A. I interviewed world famous Tigers historian, Dut, the other night and asked him this same question. I had heard rumors of some rookie named Rondon (no first name, he’s like Cher and he also pitches in ass-less pants) was going to get a crack at the job. Dut says that the big fella cranks it up to 100 and has 3 pitches. Wow, Joel Zumaya has been reincarnated! I hope that Rondon is better at Guitar Hero than Zoom Zoom! Well, when this guy fails, at least Coke showed that he is capable in that role. I hope that the Tigers get into a plane crash this season. It needed to be said.  We're all thinking it.

Q. Are the Red Sox, Cubs, and White Sox going to be any good this season?
A. Nope. Nope. Nope. All three of these teams are going to blow but at least they won’t be as bad as Houston (20 million dollar team payroll!!!). At least you only have two more years of Alfonso Soriano!

Q. Why the hell are the Reds turning Aroldis Chapman into a starter?
A. I don’t like it when teams do this. Chapman was an ELITE closer last year and now you want him to start? A small market team’s window for a title is so small that you can’t waste it with experiments that tend to not work out. The Reds bullpen last year was their biggest STREMPH (outside of the miracle that their starting rotation didn’t miss a start ALL YEAR) and now it is their biggest weakness. Good luck with Jonathon Broxton Miller and his stupid sideburns and fat body.

Q. Are the re-tooled Nubian Braves a legit pennant contender?
A. TOTES. They always have terrific pitching anyway but it was the offense that held them back over the last decade. Getting rid of Larry Jones and bringing in the Uptons is such a huge upgrade. By the way, the National League is so loaded now. The Dodgers and Giants rule the West. The Reds and Cards own the Central. And the Nationals and Braves will duke it out East. Which one of these six teams will miss the playoffs? I think that all of them could win the Series.  You could make an argument that the NL has the six best teams in baseball.

Q. Seriously, are the Yankees only going to add Youk and Hafner this off-season while relying on a catching platoon of Chris Stewart and Francisco Cervelli?
A. I have no fucking clue what this organization is trying to accomplish. In fact, other than slashing payroll, nobody does.  They clearly don’t care about titles anymore. Stewart/Cervelli is our catcher! These are arguably the two worst players in the league. Neither can hit and neither can throw. They serve ZERO purpose. A team that couldn’t score at all in 9 playoff games decided to get worse offensively in the off-season. That’s a bold move. If you’ve been longing for a day where the Yankees and Red Sox finish 4th and 5th in the AL East then get ready because there is a pretty good chance that you’re going to get your wish this year. I have never been less excited for a season to start than I am for this one.  Hell, Damman has invited me to the Indians home opener against the Yankees multiple times and I keep turning him down without thinking twice.

Q. How about them Indians?
A. I said when they hired him that the Tribe wasn’t bringing in a stud manager like Terry Francona only to give him nothing to work with. They were definitely going to make moves and boy have they. When you consider that they’ve turned Choo, Hannahan, Kotchman, and Pronk into Swisher, Bourn, Mark Reynolds, and Drew Stubbs, it’s hard for even the biggest hater to think that they aren’t a LOT better today. This team is going to score a ton of runs. They are prone to strikeouts but the team speed and outfield defense just got drastically better. The starting pitching is still a fairly massive question mark littered with underachievers but those losers should get plenty of run support this year. I just want to add that if you think that Swish is going to play a lot of games at first then you are sadly mistaken. That is not going to happen. Michael Brantley is going to lose playing time with Bourn coming in (which was a really terrific signing by the way—but you already knew that). The Indians look like the kind of team that could really push the Tigers into September.

That should give us knowledgeable baseball fans plenty to talk about today. We can also get into fantasy talk. Is Miggy the consensus #1 overall pick this year? I mean Cairo; not Cabrera, of course. What about Trout? Who is going to be the idiot in your league to draft a pitcher in the first round? Let’s all have a nice catch in the comments.


Anonymous said...

I wonder if Slow Seal poured out every drop of booze he had for Kentucky's season last night?

Also, Iceman and Ape...have your assholes recovered from Tom Izzo's cock yet? Jesus. That game made the OSU/Indiana game look like a nail biter.

LOLZ @ The Tribe pushing the Tigers. Come on son. There is no doubt that Bourn was a very nice pickup and Swisher is solid. But, talk to any Reds fan about Stubbs and you'll hear that he's pretty much the worst player ever and Mark Reynolds wouldn't make a AA team better. Tribe will be in a 2nd or 3rd place battle.

Yankees aren't going to be very good.

Miggy or Trout for #1 overall.

Not too worried about the Tigers closing situation. Rondon's going to be given every chance...dude weighs like 899 lbs. They will figure it out.


Grumpy said...

Yes, I would prefer a Blue Jackets summary.

MUDawgfan said...

Everyone is calling the new Braves outfield the "Soul Patrol"

By everyone, I just mean me.

GMoney said...

Soul Patrol...YES!

You're probably right. There is no reason to expect anyone to push an 87 win team that didn't even put the horrible White Sox away until the last week of the season last year.

Blue Jackets summary = PSGO Scott Howson! What a loser. Probably because he looks like Randolph.

Remember how Trey Burke sucks? Damn it sometimes hurts being as right all the time as I am.

Jeff said...

FUCK YOU, HOWSON! I can only hope that JD watching nash last night put him over the edge. Nash was sick nasty. Can only imagine what would've been if we could've got some players around him.

Get ready for the John Lackey resurgence. LOLZ! I hear he lost a lot of weight for whatever that means. Farrell should get the staff back on track, but this team is def a couple years away (unacceptable statement, but true) until some boys on the farm are ready for the bigs and stop shooting themselves (LOL Bryce Brentz). Ellsbury will be gone next year, hopefully a trade at the deadline will get something in return for him and Jackie Bradley can get some PT in CF. Klansman Victorino, Napoli, and Cum Dumpster are decent adds, but I don't expect much in the loaded bEAST. Ready for some baseball though.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, not only is Jeff a Steelers fan, but he is a Sox fan?? Wow he really is the worst.

Drew your team hasnt won a game in almost 2 weeks... AND you got blown out at home - AT HOME! Good teams dont get blown out at home in college hoops - its so hard to win on the road.

Completely agree on Aroldis - keep that guy in the bullpen and the Reds might be the team to beat in the NL this year.

LOLZ at the Tigers trying another fatass closer.

Definitely excited by the Tribe actually making some moves but still very worried about our starting pitching.


Ace said...

Ventura will have the White Sox ready to play. We will hang around and then fade away just like last year. Hooray.

Yikes, that game was ugly last night. I had absolutely no expectation to win last night, but didn't see a blowout like that coming. I have had this feeling deep inside me for a long time but just ignored it because we kept on winning...but this team isn't Top 10.
-Trey Burke is the only person that can create his own shot(Again, G$, look at his numbers from last night. Solid outing with zero help).

-McGary is coming along, but not fast enough to be an offensive post presence.

-GR3 is a fucking ghost right now, gets destroyed guarding bigger 4's and doesn't use his speed and athleticism when they guard him on the other end. He should be coming off the bench.

-Stauskas shows flashes, but disappears for long stretches.

-THJ can shoot when set, but is a liability dribbling the ball still. 1-11 es no bueno.

One excuse: That was the last game of a grueling 4 game stretch with a team almost entirely dependent on freshmen and a PG that wore down in the end last year.

Beilein needs to pull a Popovich and sit his studs a lot through the back end of the Big Ten schedule. I don't care about winning the Big Ten. Just be ready for tourney time(Where our style of play will work much better compared to the steel cage match style of the Big Ten.)

Ace said...

On a baseball note, closers are the most overrated players in the game. Look up the stats. Just put a good reliever back there and you might lose 2 or 3 more games than you would with Aroldis. However, make Aroldis a started and you might win 8-12 more games then you would otherwise. Reds manager>G$ and the rest of you.

GMoney said...

I'm sure that that is what they're thinking, too, Ape. But no, Dut Baker is not smarter than me. When you move Chapman into the rotation, all of a sudden his 103 mph heat becomes much more hittable at 97. Not easy, but easier.

The Red Sox are going to be so bad.

When Drew trolls, it doesn't even make any sense. Although we should all point and laugh at a dickbag named Nerlens having his hopes and dreams destroyed last night.

Anyone want to challenge my statement that King Felix is a dipshit?

Jeff said...

$175 million says he's not a dipshit. You're just butt hurt he's not a Yankee. Ole Hank does not hold Cashman/your team to the same standard Georgie did. Hank just cares about making money. Have fun waiting on him to die.

Anonymous said...

Ace- don't make an asinine comment about closers being overrated and them tell ME to look up the stats. I also think that moving aroldis to a starting role is stupid. Having a dominating force out of the bullpen is worth a hell of a lot more than 2-3 games. There is no guarantee that Aroldis will be able to make the adjustment to starter.... Especially with his pitching style.

More fly balls will be hitting the bleachers than the outfield in Cleveland this year. They just spent a lot of $$ that they don't have on a team that has a ceiling of 2nd place in the al central. Not bad for you losers.

Slow seal- I'd say fat closers have worked out pretty well for the tigers. 50/50 saves in 2011 followed by being AL champs in 2012. Ill take it.

Rondon is a major wildcard. If he sucks, we will make a trade because our GM has testicles and yours doesn't.


Anonymous said...

ELITE offseason for the Tribe. The upgrades to the lineup are tremendous. They might not allow on outfield base hit all year with those speedsters out there. But yes it will all come down to starting pitching for the Tribe.

The Tigers always under achieve and dick around during the regular season. One of these years it will bite them in the ass when a team finally pushes them and doesn't fade and hand them the division in September. Not saying it will be the Indians but please stop acting like the Tigers are some unstoppable force.

I don't think Fe is an idiot. If he likes playing in Seattle and is getting paid an obscene amount I money, why not? G$ aren't you always gushing about how Seattle is? There is no pressure in Seattle and people will worship him now. Sounds like a pretty good set up to me.


Brady said...

Excellent post! I pretty much agree with everything but I don't think Brantley is going to lose much playing time. Bourne is definitely the new CF. that pushes MB to left and Stubbs/Swish to right. If nothing else, this may guarantee that the Tribe has the best defensive outfield in the AL.

I've also heard rumors that Stubbs may be on the trading block again. I would like to keep him because of his speed/defense but if the right offer comes I say do it.

I never though I would give Antonetti/Shapiro any love but they have transformed this team into a contender. Our opening day lineup is WAY different than the trash they have been putting out there the last five years. Pitching is still a big concern but if a couple of those young guys can catch lightning in a bottle this season, you never know. I'm fucking pumped for opening day.

Prime99 said...

Soriano had better numbers than A-Fraud, is paid less in yearly salary, and has less years remaining on his deal. Also, no steroid allegations.

GMoney said...

He couldn't be a Yankee for 2 more years anyway (God knows we've been trying to trade for him three years in a row now). I'm butthurt because we're never going to see him pitch in the postseason. I'm disappointed that he's going to continue to pitch in mediocrity. He's given them enough time and they still have two more years to prove they are worth something. Go somewhere and win already.

The Indians have the money since their TV rights netted them 230 million somehow and they got out from the Pronk contract.

Fat closers = no rings...NEVER FORGET! Don't forget about Todd Jones either!

Prime, does that make you feel better? Does that make that contract not terrible?

Anonymous said...

Is fantasy baseball still a thing this year? I'm still on the fence if I should continue to show up you experts by making the playoffs yet again. Ape used my ELITE closer strategy to take the championship. This means, contrary to you fag know it alls, closers win you fantasy money from G$. That being said, everyone should try to prove me wrong by only using starters.

RIP Nerlins Noel. There's always unemployment!


The Iceman said...

18 and 4 with over 60% shooting against a top 10 team. Yeah...Burke BLOWS! It's not his fault he's the only one that decided to show up last night. Stop sounding dumb when talking about Trey Burke, G$. I know it's hard because that's all you're good at.

As for last night's game, there is no excuse. It was ugly and Michigan deserved to be bathtub aborted. I guess that's what it looks like when there's only one guy who decides to play against a top 10 team on the road.

Remember how G$ keeps trying to down play how great Burke has been against ranked teams this year? LOLZ!

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal...your preseason #3 team with tons of Mickey D's kids is going to fail to make the tourney while playing in the dog shit SEC. That is EMBARRASSING. That is like if the Tigers somehow didn't make the playoffs after playing in the AL Central.

NIT for you....DEAL WITH IT.


Timothy W. said...

Pitchers only report at mi casa this evening.

I'll be catcher.

The Iceman said...

The camera man's face in this picture is fucking priceless.

GMoney said...

All I know is that ever since I correctly called out Burke for being a garbage player, Michigan has been below average. I uncovered the truth like his brother Tim Burke uncovered Lennay Kakua.

Fantasy baseball is forever a thing because it gives me something to look forward to since the Yankees will not be providing that this season. Head to head > Rotisserie...DEAL WITH IT.

Prime99 said...

It doesn't make me feel better, but while the Cubs president and GM are pulling out the weeds and shit left by the last dickless GM, the Yankees are turning themselves into a poorly run franchise. And that does make me feel better.

GMoney said...

I wouldn't say "poorly run" since they are trying to be somewhat fiscally responsible but it is upsetting that they aren't really doing anything.

GMoney said...

Jarmo Kekalainen SON!

Ace said...

One of a thousand ananyses just like this.


Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Ape. Closers are overrated. Smart to try and make Aroldis a starter.


Prime99 said...

I have something serious and something funny to say- you pick which is which:

The Cubs will win a World Series before the Yankees won their next one.

I bet Brady's wife can get him off with a lazy handy by also complimenting the Tribe on their offseason moves. He guaranteed finishes at the first mention of Michael Bourne.

Anonymous said...

Ace- that's one of the worst analyses I've ever seen. If so many brilliant analyses are on the Internet (written by gayboys like G$), why would all managers continue to use closers? You're dumb.

G$- actually the players get rings for being AL CHAMPS. I still kiss my 2006 AL Champion ring every morning. You're dumb.


Brady said...

Lazy handy's in forever Lazy's. That's what I'm looking forward to.

GMoney said...

LOL at AL champion rings. Go put on your "Keep The MVP in the D" t-shirt and let the men talk. Although since it is you and I vs. Drew and Ape, stick around and help me rape these fools.

I'm sure that there is some merit to closers not being very important...but they are to teams who have aspirations of winning a title. Have you ever noticed that bullpens by committee never work? Count it.

I don't think that it's insane to make Chapman a starter, but I do think that it isn't smart. Like I said, small market teams have small windows to win big. You don't have time to dick around with experiments.

Trick question because the Cubs will never win a championship.

Anonymous said...

Sources have told Kentucky Sports Review that Noel has suffered a tear to his MCL and ACL, however they're still waiting on the results to confirm this. Hopefully, this proves to be untrue, but we are still waiting on an official announcement from the University of Kentucky

Hello NIT.


GMoney said...

Real men and winners tear those ligaments.

Does this make him more or less likely to stay another year? That's a tough call for him and his certainly money-grubbing mooch family. The problem is that if he wants to stay, he'll probably have to go to his first college class at some point soon.

Anonymous said...

Despite my hatred of Kentucky, I do feel bad for him. He doesn't seem like a terrible kid. He should TOTES go pro. Might as well get paid the big bucks while rehabbing.


The Iceman said...

If both ligaments are torn, then I think he is definitely coming back. I think it's the smartest move.

GMoney said...

Not the best Justified last night, but at least Boyd got to drop this gem:

"That's what assholes do, Raylan. They get old and die from being assholes."

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with your take on last night's Justified. Definitely one of the slower episodes of that series glorious run so far....

I know you aren't a big Frank Gallagher fan, but he had one of the best lines on TV in recent memory "If ignorance is bliss then having downs syndrome must be fucking ecstasy." Classic


Prime99 said...

What would Maurice Clarett do? More college athletes should ask that.