Thursday, February 28, 2013

Dwyane Wade Is A Turd Burglar

Uh oh, better bring out the wheelchair!
If there is one certain thing that we all know and can agree on, it is that you don’t give yourself a nickname. While I blossomed as G$ once I discovered the internet, I have to give credit to Big Dick Daddy Sping for calling me that in high school. I’m not going to reveal names but some of you will get who I’m talking about, but at some point in my younger years, a buddy of mine started asking if everyone could start calling him “Stiffler” after the popular douche bag. It was a bizarre request that was honored by exactly no one. I never forgot about it though (and if the accused is reading this, you should have known better, bro!) and am proud to reference it today. Again, you don’t give yourself a nickname.

Don’t tell that to Dwyane Wade. This highly unlikeable fella would appreciate it if everyone started calling him WOW for the rest of eternity. WOW, naturally, stands for “Way of Wade” which is more of a terrible self-help book title than it is a nickname. The fuck does that even mean? Way of Wade? Wouldn’t it make more sense if WOW stood for “Whine or Wheelchair”? Count it. Nailed it. With authority.  I would have also accepted "Weed Over Watermelon".

So I’m watching the Cavs and Heat play on Sunday night and for the second time this season, the Cavs snatched defeat from the jaws of victory down in the land of the great fans. It was frustrating as this team is wont to be. CJ Miles, normally worthless, had one of those rare games where EVERYTHING he threw up was going in. And he was talking mad shit about it as if it weren’t total luck. We had the lead with a few minutes remaining but then Bron shut down Kyrie and the resurgent (and looking like a star these days) Dion Waiters just ran out of plays to make while the wine and gold stopped playing defense of any kind. It’s maddening to watch this happen but this is what young teams do.

I continue to soften my hate toward LeBron as the days go by. I mean, look at the landscape, everything is pointing to him coming back after next season. He keeps rebuilding local ties and the Cavs continue to not address the SF position on the roster. Why are they not considering to ever trade Varejao? Because they’re boys. I’m not saying that I guarantee it or anything but it sure as hell looks like things are shaping up for some sort of massive return home. Iceman, read this carefully because you are going to want to beat me over the head with this paragraph—I am not counting on this happening, but I don’t think that anyone would be surprised if or when it does. Just like in pro wrestling, faces turn heel and then back to face all the time.

I said last year some time that it would be hard for me to ever support that guy again.  And it will if he and Dan Gilbert decide to play tummy sticks for a second time.  But what I've come to realize as I age is that I'd rather win with relaxed principles than lose forever on my moral high horse.  That's just fucking stupid to not think that way.  Like I said, though, we'll see how this shakes out in another 16 months.

But I’m still contractually obligated to keep the same level of hate for the Heat. Where does it go if it is coming off of LeBron? Well, I will forever mentally feel like Chris Bosh is just an ass player who is the luckiest dinosaur on the planet to have friends in high places. He should be rotting in Canada. All of that scorn though is where it should be…with Wade. I know that most of you can’t stand to watch pro basketball games and I can see why but give the Heat a half some time and just watch “WOW”. If he’s not crying to the refs then he’s in a constant state of mean-mugging to no one in particular after making routine plays. He plays the game like Tim Donaghy is his personal ref and that he demands every call. He whines and flops and stares and whines some more the entire time that he’s out there. And he gets away with it!

So there you go. In what should come as no surprise to anyone, the guy who makes up his own nickname, acts like a dick, and apparently has sex with Gabrielle Union in front of his own children is now my least favorite player in all of sports. I just can’t think of any situation where I would root for Whine or Wheelchair. None. Playing the Celtics? Go KG and Jelly Rolls!

And if we’re making up nicknames for each other here today (we can--I will allow it), I nominate “Dash” for Brady due to his apparent ELITE speed. And he sounds like the kind of guy that would skip out on a restaurant bill.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

To Catch A College Football Predator

On the gridiron, this stud QB literally makes defenses shit their pants
I don't have a ton of time today to prep one of my usual daily beauties so please accept the apology that I'm not giving.  That being said, yesterday Drew spread one of his typical trolling lies when he said that National Signing Day is better than the NFL Draft.  If you said something like that in most countries, you'd be sent to the guillotine.  Thanks 'bama...maybe you should worry more about beheading assholes and less about your wife giving out Oscars.  Count it.

One of the few perks that I get from this "job" is that I'm tight with a publishing company that likes to send out free copies of new sports books.  I probably get 10-12 per year.  One of those was Ray Glier's "How the SEC Became Goliath" which was really interesting to someone like me who doesn't particularly care about the sport outside of Saturdays*.  I learned that there is way more to it than just over-signing, easy classes, and just getting the best players.  For instance, most of the schools in the SEC pay their STREMPH coach close to a million dollars per year.  FOR A WEIGHTLIFTING GUY!

*In fact, I was even asked to write a blurb that may appear on the back cover when the paperback version comes out.  I am so excited about this.  This would make me a published author if it happens!  ELITE!

Anyway, we've all probably heard about Alabama and LSU offering a scholarship to an 8th grader from Baton Rouge.  Most of us have probably seen the YouTube clips of this 6'1" 215 pound running back named Dylan Moses.  RIGHT NOW, this bro looks like a goddamn stud.  As he should considering he's built like a brick shithouse and playing against kids without pubes.

Needless to say, offering free rides to 14 year olds was not a reason why the SEC Became Goliath.  This seems strange and completely out of character.  I expect this from shitbags like Lane Kiffin (he's already done this) and Rush Propst, but not the best of the best.  Nicky Sabe-cakes* and Toilet Water Aficionado Lester Miles aren't doing anything wrong or illegal but this feels beneath them.

*After racking my brain a long time to come up with a non-vulgar nickname that would really piss off Nick Saban if someone ever called him that, I decided that Nicky Sabe-Cakes was the best.  From now on, this is his name.  Update your Money Shot glossary.

I don't know.  Recruiting is a dirty fucking game and the best at it know how to walk that fine line.  What does everyone else think about recruiting kids in middle school?  I'm probably against it.  But what the hell can the NCAA do?  They are clearly incompetent in every way.  I guess the best course of action is the same thing that is happening now: let these assholes keep doing this and everyone laugh at them for a week while we wait for the "phenom" to get lazy and shitty.

Either way, I guarantee one thing...Dylan Moses is about to become the cocksuckeriest cocksucker in all of Louisiana.  And I don't blame him at all.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Indianapolis 2.0

                        "Mel.  Will.....fake crying improve my draft stock?"

If you recall last February, I took a 3 day trip to Indianapolis for some NFL scouting combine action as well as to follow up a lead for a respectable meth dealer.  I had so much fun watching the "Suck Luck's Nuts" show that I decided to take some more time off work and head to Indy again for this year's combine.  These are my observations:

-Manti Te'o ran a 4.8 forty.  Remember when resident fat fuck Dontari Poe ran a 4.9 last year?  Yikes.  As slow as that is, Te'o still would have beaten Commenter Brady by a full second.  Assuming Brady didn't collapse after 20 yards because of a wheezing fit.  After Te'o limped his way past the finish line, reporters kept asking him if he was gay.  All I heard was, "Does it count if you've only licked the tip of a man's penis once?".

-Tyrann Mathieu was there.  That was pretty wild.  He is now insisting that people no longer refer to him as "The Honey Badger"  Good.  I never did that to begin with because that's the stupidest fucking nickname I've ever heard.  Musburger will be crushed, though.  Mathieu also mentioned that his new best friend is "Honesty".  Mine too.  I HONESTLY fucking hate this guy with every fiber in my body.  And since we're on the subject...Mathieu HONESTLY needs to find a better disguise if he plans to continue selling pot outside of Lucas Oil Stadium.  The fake nose/glasses/mustache getup isn't very convincing.

-Denard Robinson's willing move to wide receiver was about the smartest thing he could have done.  Pat White called the move "dumb" in between cleaning the two bathrooms at the Denny's he now works at.  I pray Denard goes to the Lions so Drew is forced to cheer for him.

-Chris Johnson actually sent this guy to the combine to make sure his 40 yard dash record stayed in tact.

"You SUCK!  Ya Jackass!!"

It worked.  Mercury Morris was later quoted saying he was proud of CJ1K for caring so much about a pointless record no one really gives a flying fuck about.  Marquise Goodwin came closest to breaking the 40 record at 4.27.  In related news:  Look for the Browns to waste a high draft pick on this 180 lb. wide receiver who's best attribute is "fast" and who's biggest knocks are "gets surprised by the pass" and "has a limited route tree".  Sounds like a Cleveland guy.

-Star Lotulelei has a vagina for a heart.  The same condition Urban Meyer has.  I kept lighting Blackcats at Star's feet just to see for myself how serious this condition is.  He's still alive, so that's encouraging.  But he wasn't allowed to participate in any drills over the weekend which was good.  Because he probably would have been terrible at all of them.  The only thing someone named "Star" is good at is shoving their naked tits in the face of many many drunk, married men at the strip club they work at.  I was sure to cough "pussy" into my hand at every opportunity whenever I was within ear shot of Staaaaaaaaaaaar.  What a ridiculous fucking name.

-Matt Barkley was there.  But not as a participant.  He was holding a sign that said, "Will sniff boners for food".  John Elway was the first in line and was feverishly trying to get himself hard.  I held up a picture of Shannon Sharp getting his nuts licked by Mr. Ed and that seemed to do the trick.  Only cost my $8 on Ebay.  Worth it.  Anything horse related = John Elway Viagra.  Remember that.

-Speaking of Barkley.  Remember how much money he cost himself by staying his Senior year?  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  That feels great, doesn't it?

This year at the combine was way more boring than last year.  There wasn't an Andrew Luck to bend over and spread for this year so things were relatively quiet.  The projected first overall pick is an offensive lineman if that is any indication of how lame Indianapolis was over the weekend.  That's about as exciting as news that a Adele porno is about to hit the Internet.  Well...exciting for Damman.  Gross for the rest of us.  That's all I've got.  If you get bored with this today you can always go to YouTube and watch Jennifer LOLrence beef it up the steps in that fucking circus tent she was wearing at the Oscars Sunday.  Famous people eating shit on national TV never gets old.  Peace, bitches.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Columbus 2024...I'm Down

Come to Columbus...
I'm always a big fan of my hypocrisy every four years when I give a dismissive wank at the Olympics yet find myself watching a ton of it.  It never fails.  I act like a big tough guy and shit all over it but I'm a total liar and a pussy.  I actually like it.  Never listen to me rail against the Olympics because I'm full of shit.  Anyway, it was revealed last week that USOC has asked 35 cities to put in for the 2024 Summer Olympics.  Columbus was one of those 35.

Now, I know that it is insanely far-fetched that this would happen.  I am well aware of that.  But I went to Atlanta in 1996 and it was a lot of fun.  I can only imagine how great it would be if the biggest sporting event on the globe was in my backyard.  So I'm going to just assume that Columbus wins this and in 11 years, we are prepping for the biggest spectacle on the planet.  How do we pull this off, you ask?  Well, let's band together and start figuring this out.  Keep in mind, I'm doing no research on this at all.

OK, there are four big events plus the opening/closing ceremony (as well as the Olympic Village where the athletes are to stay).  You need to make sure that basketball, swimming, track and field, and gymnastics are all taken care of.  You can play hoops at The Schott because--while not a great venue for basketball--it's still better than Nationwide Arena.  You can run gymnastics at Nationwide then which would be perfect.  Is it possible to also play volleyball there as well?  Can you flip the building around for that?  That would be huge.  I'm not sure if there is a place big enough for Olympic swimming so the city will likely have to build something.  Let's throw that out at Easton or something just to get better spacing throughout the city.  That's key.  It's just like basketball offense, you've got to spread the floor.  Track and the ceremonies are another thing that would need built.  Apparently, there was an area downtown marked as a possible place for the casino.  Just use that land for the track complex.  Then after the games are over--BANG--new place for the Crew to play.  ELITE!

The Village could be a problem though.  I don't know how many athletes are actually housed, but I feel like you could shut down Ohio State for the Summer and dedicate the entire campus as the Olympic Village.  That seems possible, no?  Just put a fence around it or something to keep the public out and there is your private residences for the athletes.  Plus, it would give my wife three weeks off from work.  It would be the first time ever that the campus of Ohio State University would actually serve a purpose.

How about the secondary sports?  Well, how does golf at Muirfield sound?  You could possibly play medal round soccer at The Shoe.  Qualifying rounds could be held at Browns Stadium, Paul Brown Stadium, and Charles Buckemeyer Stadium.  Not everything has to be held inside of I-270.  Tennis at the ATP down by King's Island.  Women's beach volleyball in my backyard.  This can happen, people!  We must believe!

We've known for years that Chicago and New York want the Summer Olympics.  It's already a nightmare to travel in those cities anyway.  It is never a disaster here.  We would have to build a monorail here (you need a train system to be taken seriously as a major city) but I've built monorails in Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook and by gum it put them on the map.  Buses and cabs aren't going to cut it.  A train is mandatory.  How about hotels?  Do we have enough?  I doubt it but I'll rent my room out to weirdo Japanese businessmen for way too much yen.  They won't know the difference.  We'll make it work.

I realize that the chances of Columbus getting the 2024 Olympics are slimmer than slim but much like imagining winning the lottery, it's fun to dream.  Hell, it seems like Arnold loves this area (Arnold Classic next weekend?), let's get him to do some PR leg work for us.  Like I said, I'm not holding my breath and it is way far down the line to get worked up about it, but I hope that we take this seriously and make a push.  The USOC didn't recommend central Ohio for no reason.  Yes we can!

Friday, February 22, 2013

The Award For Best Animated Shart Goes To...

This is what the award looks will triple deke the shit out of you, too
As a reminder to all of us men out there, The Academy Awards take place on Sunday night. If you prefer bean-less chili though, you already knew that because you are "light in the loafers" as one might say. I don’t particularly care all that much for the Oscars. I’ve seen one best picture nominee this year (Argo…GO ARGO!) so I’m not really invested in anything. I usually try to catch the opening monologue (Seth McFarlane should be amusing) and see how sexy someone like Jennifer Lawrence is looking, but that’s about it. Oh, J-Law, if Anne Hathaway ever dumps me, I am so in you.

Anyway, since I don’t know anything about the nominated movies this year, why shouldn’t I host my own award show? What I do know a lot about is Sports Movies. Oh man, do I know a lot about these. So how about we head into the weekend with me acknowledging the best of the best (and worst of the worst) when it comes to Sports Cinema! We need a snappy name though…let’s see…got it.

THE BOMBAYS! Nailed it. Let’s hand out our Bombays then.

Best Supporting Actor: Charles S. Dutton, Rudy – There were so many quality options here that my mind nearly exploded between Ted Knight, Tom Berenger, and Adam “Cake Eater” Banks off the top of my head, I went with the best actor and Roc is the best. He nearly saved Rudy from being an over-produced collection of the worst lies.
Worst Supporting Actor: Daniel Stern, Rookie of the Year – I’ve seen this movie a million times and it keeps getting better. I wish that Gary Busey was a Major League pitcher today. That would be the best. I have no idea what role Stern’s character was supposed to play outside of “Guy That Molests Henry and his Friends”.

Best Supporting Actress: Geena Davis, A League of Their Own – This is an underrated movie IN MY PERSONAL OPINION. Tom Hanks (or Otm Shank) is great and even the presence of Rosie and Madonna didn’t ruin it. Plus, Geena Davis was in Beetlejuice and that movie SICK!
Worst Supporting Actress: Whoever played Maggie, Caddyshack – Ugh…TANKS FOR NUTTIN’! Why was she so pissed that Noonan wanted to bang Lacey Underall? Did she not own a mirror? Judging by Maggie’s appearance, she did not own a mirror.

Best Original Score: Survivor, the Rocky Movies – I will fight anyone to the death who argues against the Rocky’s not having the best movie soundtrack of all time. Out of all of their gems, I prefer Burning Heart slightly over No Easy Way Out. Eye of the Tiger can get SO fucked.

Best Actress: Rene Russo, Major League/Tin Cup – It’s hard to find decent women actors in sports movies since these are mostly cock and balls events. I’ll give the nod to Russo though because she could have easily ruined Major League but did not and was surprisingly not too much of a hag in Cheech Marin’s Tin Cup. I’m not sure what she looks like these days, but she was easy on the eyes if I remember correctly.
Worst Actress: Barbara Hershey, Hoosiers – Her character served no purpose at all. I hated her so much. Why didn’t she want Jimmy to play basketball again? Didn’t it have something to do with a shark attack or whatever? And was she banging Norman Dale? It takes a lot to unseat Talia Shire for worst sports movie actress but this one wasn’t even close. Hershey was the ultimate wet blanket and led Shooter to the bottle and random drunken basketball court trespassings probably.

Best Athlete Cameo: Reggie Jackson, The Naked Gun/BASEketball – I must kill The Queen. I DON’T HAVE YOUR FUCKING BALL, MAN!
Worst Athlete Cameo: Lance Armstrong, Dodgeball – Yeeeeesh, that airport pep talk to Peter LaFleur looks pretty bad now, doesn’t it?

Best Actor: Sylvester Stallone, Rocky/Rambo/Victory/Over The Top – Obviously, Rocky is the greatest athlete that Hollywood ever devised and those movies remain very watchable. I’m still waiting to get some closure on that Balboa/Thunderlips feud though. I consider Rambo to be an athlete because “killing gooks and comrades” is a sport. Has anyone else seen Victory? Oh man, get a load of this: the climax of the movie is Stallone and Pele beating Hitler in a game of soccer or something like that. Sly is the goalie and he is AWFUL. It is hilarious. Over The Top is just a heart-warming tale of triumph and the human spirit via arm wrestling and turning your hat backwards. Stallone is the best.
Worst Actor: Cuba Gooding, Radio – LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! That is all.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Chelcie Ross, Major League/Hoosiers/Rudy – What a resume! Eddie Harris! Dan Devine! That asshole guy in Hoosiers that wanted Coach Dale fired! He was also apparently in Trouble with the Curve and The Last Boy Scout. Chelcie Ross is a real stat-sheet stuffer!  And he comes with his own supply of Vagisil!

Worst Picture: Field of Dreams – We’ve been over this before. I hate this movie. Not even Darth Vader’s voice could save it.
Best Picture: Hoosiers – On Monday, I mentioned how Indiana is a worthless state that serves no point. Well, it is, outside of this movie. I love it. It’s probably one of my favorite of all time and I will always watch it whenever it is on. I guess I just like to see white triumph over black. And thank God that Hollywood changed his name from Bobby Plump to Jimmy Chitwood. Bobby Plump sounds like a disgusting Colts fan that no one would want to cheer for.

Congratulations to all of our winners. Also congrats to me for remembering this post idea that Iceman suggested that I do about 3-4 years ago when he was still running his own site! ELITE memory from a guy who couldn’t remember his middle name a few weeks ago! I tried to come up with a handful of nominees for each category but that would have taken forever. Who would have ever guessed that Sly Stallone would be named the greatest Sports Movie Actor of all time? The Bombays are always full of surprises!  QUACK QUACK FUCKOS!

Before I go, let me pimp out one of the better sports movies that have come out recently in “GOON” starring Stiffler from American Pie. I think it’s on Showtime now and I couldn’t recommend it more. It’s a pretty amazing and funny 85 minutes. It’s not Slap Shot or anything but it’s way better than D2: The Mighty Ducks Are Back. Have a good weekend and we’ll see you back here on Monday morning, ya bunch of Radios.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Open Forum: Yes! Soup For You!

Does anyone remember how much fat dick Drew sucked yesterday by actually bitching about free entertainment here? I do. It’s annoying. So how about today we write up a post that he wants and see what the response is? No, this is not about the warm temperatures emanating off of Aaron Craft’s man-pussy either. This is actually that food post that I was telling you about last week. So strap on your rattiest clothes and hobo beards because we’re going on a field trip to the soup kitchen.

Soup is an interesting food. There is usually no in between with it. Either it is really good and does exactly what you wanted it to do or it really sucks and you dump it down the drain after one spoonful. But it’s a pretty popular food around these parts this time of year since it is ridiculously cold almost always.

Before I start listing the good and the bad, much like Brady and college basketball, I am not an expert in the field of soup. Sure, I like it and all that but I almost always choose salad when presented with the option because I am a fitness guru and OBVZ in training. If I forgot a type that you like, please do not take it as a personal attack on your character and manhood. There are literally billions of variations of soup and I don’t have the energy to go through a taste test of all of them. I basically just went through the list of soups made by Campbell’s and remembered a few others. Deal with it.

With that being said, since I was born and raised in the SOUP CAPITAL OF THE WORLD (not true), I feel qualified enough to start a forum on soups. So how about we crumble up some Ritz crackers and get started…

Vegetable – There is no excuse for not adding meat to anything
Mushroom – One of the most disgusting foods ever
Anything with Broccoli – Broccoli is my #1 enemy
Those Chinaman Soups that look like Piss – They look like urine; never trust an Oriental
Whatever Mr. Ace Recommends

Chicken Noodle – I don’t care for this at all but I’m sure that someone out there probably makes a decent pot of this shit
Clam Chowder – Never eat this stuff outside of a seafood restaurant near a coast
French Onion – I hate when it’s covered in 3 inches of cheese…and it seems like I always get it covered in a fuck-ton of cheese

Tortilla – Max and Erma’s doesn’t do a lot right, but they make a mean bowl of chicken tortilla soup
Lobster Bisque – There are many reasons to go to Put-In-Bay…this is one of the big ones
Gumbo – Yes please
Chili – I love chili. Beef, turkey, chicken—it doesn’t matter. It’s all ELITE. And if you don’t like chili with beans then you are a FAGGOT!!!
Cheese – Just keep your goddamn broccoli out of it
Sirloin Burger – The signature Chunky Soup will forever be a classic although I wish that they would give a “no green beans” version
Potato – Pretty hard to fuck this up…bacon makes it better
Chicken Corn Chowder – I’ve been really into this recently
Minestrone/Wedding – Eh, whatever
Tomato – Criminally underrated as the combo of this stuff with a grilled cheese or six is incredible
Spaghetti-O’s – Sure, why not? They are delicious unless you like the kind with the hot dogs. That is such a trashy thing to eat. Meatballs only, n-words!

Yeah, this wasn’t the greatest food topic of all time (probably the worst) but what else would you expect from The Worst? That being said, there is never a bad time to talk about food. If you have any recommendations or want to contest any of my findings or just want to remind Drew to never challenge me again, go for it. Also feel free to get Spoonman stuck in your head for the rest of the day. Come together with your hands!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Monday Has A Feel. Friday Has A Feel. Thad Matta Has No Feel.

Deposit sperm here.
Yep, here I go again (on my own!!!), using local fodder to make up my own stories and troll Ohio Buckeye fans. But tonight begins the start of what is arguably the most important week of the season for Pear Nose’s bunch. Let’s face it: they’ve played like shit over the past two weeks after a moral victory in Ann Arbor where Aaron Craft hilariously played 1 on 5 for all of overtime. Tonight is the first of two huge home games this week with Tubby Smith’s black ass coming to town followed by Lupe Izzo’s husband arriving over the weekend. I get the feeling that we will know what this team is going to do next month after how they play over the next 80 minutes.

After the debacle in Madison on Sunday, Buckets implied to some idiot reporter that there were some chemistry issues. Well, any Brady could see that. Other than Narc and Thomas, it doesn’t appear like anyone knows what role they are supposed to be playing (at least on the wings). It’s something that has dawned on me recently when thinking about this program. What is Matta’s overall plan? I mean, how would you describe his style of play? Think about that—when you think of the good to great coaches, you always know exactly how they will play regardless of the players. Duke is going to shoot threes and be white. Michigan State is going to have a boatload of 3 and 4 year players that will kick your ass. Kentucky is going to run the Dribble Drive offense that Cal learned at Memphis. Syracuse is only going to have players that can’t guard. So I ask you, “What IS Thad Matta’s style?”

I ask this because it seems like this year’s collection of former high school studs don’t mesh well together at all*. It gets back to no one knowing their role. Sam Thompson is a high flyer but you don’t play a run and gun style. Ross is a moron but can apparently shoot yet it doesn’t seem like they try to run plays to get him open looks. You’ve got a couple of bigs that are strong enough to knock people into the first row for a ton of easy lay-ups (AKA Sparty Ball) but they don’t get to touch the rock (actually, that might not be the worst thing). Other than “we don’t sub and I’m going to run all of my starters into the ground”, I just can’t see any sort of fundamental tenets of this program.

*He’s been fortunate enough to steal a bunch of Big Tymers out of Indiana recently but it feels like Crean Pie isn’t going to be letting that happen too much anymore now that he’s got things rolling.

I’m not saying that that’s bad or anything because the results have been terrific. It just seems more and more apparent that Thad doesn’t recruit based on fit and that he just wants to hoard “talent”. Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with that it’s just that Thad’s peers seem to have a better grasp on who they want and how they will use them. THIS IS NOT AN ATTEMPT AT TROLLING. What is it like 5 conference titles in 7 years for Potato Nose? That’s really awesome and I’m one of America’s finest haters of your school. But come on, you don’t care (at least you shouldn’t) about Big Ten titles anymore. You only play for the titles that, you know, KENTUCKY WINS now.

Anyway, I got way off base there. Last month, I wrote up a TRANSCENDENT post where I posed the question about whether or not the Ohio Buckeyes could miss the tournament altogether. Well, in one short week, you’ve went from a high 3 seed to a middle 5 seed and sinking fast according to Lunardi. With two home losses this week, that could go to a 7 or an 8 seed and then who knows how things spiral out of control from there. You can say what you want to about the STREMPH of the Big Ten but it doesn’t mean all that much if you don’t beat anybody. Ohio is currently 1-7 against top 25 teams. The last team to do that was Iowa State in 2002. Do you even remember that squadron? Was Marcus Fizer or Fred Hoiberg still there? I’m sure that Larry Eustachy was CRUSHING puss and Natty Lights though. Every day is Naturday for Larry Eustachy.

Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that the Ohio Buckeyes need to get their shit together or this is going to be a very awesomely short March. Do you really want me to be right? Do you really want to have to apologize to Seal for being unoriginal and unfunny trolls? Well then you better win at least one of these home games this week or you can get your Kosta Koufos jerseys back out and perhaps start prepping for another run at NIT glory. You can LOLZ all you want to about this post, fags, but you know deep down that this team isn’t making the second weekend (if they even make it at all ***crossing fingers***). Go Gophers.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Hilariousness from AllStar Weekend

"The tight pants mask my love handles."

Nice of G$ to handle some MoneyShot cleaning duties yesterday like the house bitch he is.  Amiright?  NOW GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, WHORE!  No surprise here with the dead zone upon us and me hating baseball/hockey the way I do.  Today we'll talk about the NBA All-Star weekend and the hilarious things that went down.  Mostly unintentionally hilarious, of course.

-Paul George is TOTES a great shooter.  LOLZ!  Way to set an all time low in 3 pointers made, shit stain. (upon further review it appears that there have been worse scores than George's.  Doesn't make it any better though) Sweet air ball too, brah.  I'm pretty sure I could accidentally score 11 points in the NBA 3 point contest.  Who am I kidding??  I would win that mother fucker because my jumper is more wet than a black lady's sloth crotch while standing in line at the Golden Corral.  I CHALLENGE KYRIE IRVING!!

-Tony Parker is a mega queer.  Watching TP finish DEAD LAST in the dribble thingy that the point guards do made my heart sing.  Especially after listening to Reggie Miller give Parker a sloppy BJ throughout the entire competition.  I'm surprised Regg didn't follow up his TP fellate with a 30 minute bitch session about how Tayshaun's playoff block on him was goal tending.  You know...that play that happened like 10 years ago that he still pisses and moans about to this day like a whiny fuck face?

-The Dunk Contest is closer than ever to being eliminated.  And it should be.  Ide commented about this yesterday but it bears repeating.  The Dunk Contest is absolute shit and should be aborted until players actually worth talking about are in it.  Now...I watch a pretty healthy amount of NBA basketball.  And I also play fantasy basketball.  So when there are TWO FUCKING GUYS in the dunk contest I've never heard of then we have a problem.  What's worse is that one of the guys I didn't know was the DEFENDING DUNK CHAMP!!  And enough of this "you have a minute thirty to dunk and get as many misses as you want" horse shit.  Fucking man up and do the contest the way it was intended.  You miss?  You suck.  I'm done watching this trash event.

-NBA players dress like hipster faggots.  This is getting out of fucking control.  I liked it better when these dick bags dressed like Steve Urkel.  Example.  Did anyone happen to see what LeBron was wearing on Saturday?  It looked like one of those plastic jump suits high school wrestlers wear when they're trying to drop weight the day of a match.  His pants had a fucking elastic band on them for Christ sake!  Also, I'm pretty sure Durant's shirt was made by a 12 year old.  Girl or gay boy...take your pick.  Sexy bedazzle there, guy!  Killer sleeveless jean jacket, stud!  Oh!  And who can forget Blake Griffin's leather jacket he apparently stole after mugging the prop guy from the set of Knight Rider?  Rusty Westbrook can straight get fucked with everything he was wearing on Friday.  It's like there was a league wide competition to out fucking retard each other.  And the loser is America.

-Everything that happens Saturday night (minus the dunk contest) > The actual All-Star game.  I literally watched less than 5 minutes of the All-Star game Sunday night and the part that I did watch was a fucking snoozer.  The best part of the game was watching Noah's sad attempt at D-ing up CP3 in the 4th and getting facialed.  Oh.  And also watching...

-Kobe punking the fuck out of LeBron.  I haven't read anything on the Interwebs, but I'm sure LeBron is getting absolutely destroyed for what Kobe did to him in the 4th quarter last night.  Here's my take on it:  Hilarious to watch...but not surprising.  Because Kobe is a complete fuck.  To me it looked like LeBron was trying to keep things fun and light while Kobe morphed himself into "Asshole douche bag who dives for balls, takes charges and calls defensive 3 seconds in a pick up game at the rec" mode.  Kobe had that crazy look in his eye like, "I'm better than this fuck and I'm about to prove it to the world".  Watching Kobe take guarding LeBron waaaaaaaaay too seriously Sunday night was such a classic Kobe LOLZ moment for the ages.

-There is nothing good about Nick Cannon.  Rarely do I get embarrassed for people when I see them acting like a twat on TV.  But in a rare moment Saturday, I found every interview Nick Cannon doing with NBA players painfully unwatchable.  Cannon reminded  me of that kid in high school who tries so hard to get all the cool kids to like him by trying way too hard to be funny.  It's how I imagine high school was for Drew.  I can't figure out why TV networks still ask Cannon to do stuff.  It's remarkable how someone can be so bad at interacting with humans, yet always seems to have meaningful work.

-Rick Fox is shit.  I don't think collectively as a group, we have all agreed on any one thing here.  Besides Jeff being the worst.  But I think we can all vigorously nod our heads in agreement when I say that Rick Fox is the complete package when it comes to all things fucktardery and douchbaggery.  It was great watching him stumble through segments like he's never been in front of a camera before.  It was one of those rare moments when watching someone you truly hate fail at something makes you genuinely more happy in your own life.  Rick Fox being unemployed is what this nation was founded on and what makes America great.  Let's make that happen again.

-Jordan is NOT coming back and if he did he would get embarrassed.  FACT!  I want to murder anyone who has this twisted sense of reality that Michael Jordan could seriously come back right now and compete in today's game.  This is such a fucking stupid argument.  I would say maybe even more dumb than people saying that "insert best college football team" could beat "insert worst NFL team".  We all know this fucker is 50, right?  We understand that he most likely needs boner pills to hold an erection at this phase of his life, yes?  Shit...I would even go as far as to say that Jordan would struggle even making a roster right now.  I'm sure some dipshit here thinks differently though.  It's probably Ace.  That sounds like an Ace thing to argue.

Alright, ya fuckin boobs!  That's what I got.  Wasn't too hard to follow up yesterday's ELITE mail in post by the site creator as you can tell.  I didn't check the comments from yesterday too thoroughly so hopefully most of this shit wasn't discussed already.  Or else it's gonna be a boring ass day for everyone.  Well, for all of you anyway since I'll be traveling all day for work and will randomly be stopping by.  Iceman, out.

Monday, February 18, 2013


Compliments of Ide naturally...
As I mentioned on Friday, I was in Chicago this past weekend. I am driving home today as you are reading this. “You are not getting a great effort” is basically what I’m trying to say. In fact, you are getting NO effort! I know what you’re thinking, “Why didn’t he just switch days with Iceman”? That is a great question but then I wouldn’t have been able to get away with a mail-in post and I’d have to “work” for four days in a row this week. I outsmarted Iceman again in a game that he didn’t even know he was playing! I AM ELITE! So in lieu of another ground-breaking and innovative post before we get to zombie time, how about you all get out your calendars and we set some things straight.

Ribfest – Unless it was changed behind my back, this is still slated for Saturday March 23rd at Barley’s Smokehouse in Grandview. The time is probably TBA as the basketball fate of the Ohio Buckeyes and Trey Burke Sucks could alter things a bit. Will Brady show up or is there a birthday party that his dog got invited to? Will Prime and Buke fly in? How about Seal who seems like he wants to drive over from Dayton on his NCAA tourney day off (and I have a feeling that he and Drew would actually get along quite well)? Tonya? Nick Lachey? Dawg? Hines Ward—NO. Let’s start trying to get a number down for who is in. FYI, unless someone wants to make another dumb bet, you buy your own food this year. If you’re nice, perhaps Dut will invite us all over for some March Madness watching and turns on the glory hole (I plan on remaking this…that mirror is coming down!). Did you like how I just invited everyone over to your place? ELITE!

Run For Your Lives – I believe that Iceman and Ide have already registered for the 1 pm zombie fun run on May 25th in the Hocking Hills. I will get around to it eventually. Who else is planning on joining us doomsday survivalists? I plan on spending the entire drive over to Logan jamming to Iron Maiden’s Run To The Hills. Logan is a stupid fucking name, too. Don't name your kid that.

Iceman’s Wedding – Did you and Wheels set a date yet? Have you told us? Tell your brother that I’m not committing to a bachelor party within driving distance six fucking months in advance. I’ll show up if I want to (with money). You don’t need to know my plans, BRAH! I would like to spend a weekend ignoring/drowning Brady though. That sounds like fun.

Fantasy Baseball – I just checked and Opening Day is 3/31 (night game with the Rangers and Astros LOLWUT?) so having the draft on Elite Eight Sunday 3/31 is going to remain the plan. That’s 8 days after Ribfest, people! It’s head-to-head (the ONLY way to play!) and 40 bucks to join again. Let me know if you’re in or if you’re out. Mr. Ace is the current champion so it isn’t that hard. Buke and K-Dog have already paid because they are terrific.  I expect big things out of Fleshjack Cust (or whatever I name my team) this year.

The Fucktards – I still stand firm with my desire to attack Trivia Night at the Grandview Café some time soon. Tuesday or Thursday does not matter to me. I’m ready to be a mental giant again.  I think that we should go on Administrative Professionals Day since Dut is a terrible secretary for the team (but pretty good at reserving a table) and that is his only contribution.

I think that that is all that I needed to say. I’ll try to get a few words after this regarding the experience of outdoor hockey and, of course, my Walking Dead thoughts. I should be able to but, if not, wait until noon and then talk about how awkward it was to watch Deputy Dipshit rape Beth. Can you believe that! They actually showed penetration! And please, update your internet calendars.

Feel free to talk about last night's episode all day today.  It was a decent episode with a terrible first half and a pretty good ending.  Also, Merle called someone a beaner which is always great.  A few other notes:
-After sitting outside for 5 hours watching a bad hockey game and freezing my nuts off, I didn't want to sit through a bunch of shit on TWD.  I did for the first 40 minutes.
-Glenn is never the leader.  He is awful.  He is behind Beth on the Prison Organization Depth Chart according to Keith Law.
-It's good to see that no one respects Andrea in Woodbury again.
-So did Tyreese leave for good?
-RIP Axel...I will always think of you when I don't hear Little Miss Can't Be Wrong.

Friday, February 15, 2013

"No More Creampuffs" Says Fat Guy...and Other Stuff

Correct.  This is how many that go in the pink.
I know that I foreshadowed a food post for today but I wasn’t able to give it the attention that it deserved so I have to push it back. We haven’t done one of those for awhile but they are not a forgotten idea. I actually want to delve (stupid word) into some off-season college football topics as a means to get us to the weekend.

Alabama players like to beat up people for fun – Nick Saban suspended four of his players after it was revealed that they kicked the shit out of two random students recently for absolutely no reason at all. Well, I guess that they stole some stuff off of the guys that they jumped, too. This is the sort of thing that you would expect from Jordan Jefferson, not Roll Damn Tiders. Or not; I don’t care. I only wanted to mention this because both victims have said that they will still be Bama Football fans and getting sent to the ER by those that they adore does not affect anything. That’s hilarious and awful. I blame Goose from Two-A-Days. They should have kicked his ass instead.

Barry Alvarez says that the Big Ten is done playing FCS schools – Just like Gene Smiff’s hatred of the MAC, I’ll believe it when I see it. I find it hard to believe that the Indiana’s and Minnesota’s and Purdue’s of the world are on board with this. I don’t even know why they would want to get rid of these games anyway. Am I the only one who remembers how hilarious it was when App State skull-fucked Michigan? LOL! Indiana seems to lose to one of these schools every other year. THAT IS FUNNY. If anything, they should schedule more of these games purely for comedic purposes.

The NCAA wants to start kicking James Harrison-types out – There are leaks of new rules that could be coming to college football and this is one of them. If a dude rocks a defenseless receiver, they may be ejected from the game for it. I’m not sure if I like this rule because it gives dumb refs even more power that they shouldn’t have. Then again, if 15 yards isn’t stopping safeties from killing pass catchers then maybe the threat of ejection will.  Either way, this is going to end poorly and Bo Pelini is going to end up murdering a ref during a game.

Fuck your butt, Boise State – Also up for debate is banning teams from wearing solid uniforms that match their home turf. I LOVE THIS. Watching Boise play home games during the day gives me a headache. I am admittedly a big fan of the Broncos, but they shouldn’t get a competitive, camouflaged advantage. This also means that Sparty or Oregon can’t rock all green unis either. Good rule!

Urban Meyer is a lying sack of shit – Ohio State had to publicly announce that that whole absurd Woody Hayes/turtle rapist story was not true. I’ve heard enough. Give this program the death penalty already. Clearly, the lies have not stopped. This is obviously a violation of their probation. THINK OF THE CHITLINS/CHILDREN!

That will do it for me this week. I’m off to Chicago this weekend to take in the Hockey City Classic on Sunday (I can’t wait to lob tons of lazy “invisible girlfriend” jokes at stupid Notre Dame Fans all day) and investigate what is actually wrong with Derrick Rose’s heavy flow vagina. The weather is supposed to cooperate for some lovely outdoor doubleheader hockey at Soldier Field (Miami/ND game will be on most Fox Sports channels nationwide at 1 EST if you're interested).  We’ll be back on Monday with more discussion on why the fuck Lori is back.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Hail To The Question Mark

So I says to Xenu I says--I'll tell you later
The worst part about the end of football season is that unless some coach starts raping kids and everyone else tries to cover it up, there isn’t always a ton of stuff to write about on a fine site such as this. Drew gave me a pretty good idea for a food post which may run tomorrow, but I figured today that I would address something that actually affects me as a fan. It wouldn’t be an NFL off-season if the media wasn’t rallying support around the cause of changing the Redskins team name. It’s like clockwork. As soon as the Super Bowl parade ends, everyone wants the Redskins to stop scalping minorities in the parking lots surrounding FedEx Field or whatever the hell they think happens.

Look, it’s hard to justify the existence of the team’s nickname without coming off like a “DEY TOOK OUR JERBS” redneck so I won’t. The whole notion of pride and tradition is kind of pointless and only serves to make those making excuses look like clowns. I get that. But as I seem to have to say every year, I don’t want the name to change. I don’t ever want it to change. I already went through this once. I have no real logical and sane reason to feel this way. I just do. Maybe I don’t hold onto enough white guilt (and don’t kid yourself, this is why this debate pops up constantly) or maybe I have better things to do than worry about the feelings of the zero Native Americans that I know. What I do know is that giving into these pussy liberals (which I am one of 99% of the time) seems like a horrible idea.

I don’t care that the name is offensive. I really don’t. Who watched the Skins lose to the Seahawks 6 weeks ago and said “FUCK THOSE PEOPLE UP THEIR WIGWAMS!” It’s a team name. That’s it. It isn’t a cause to slaughter the Hopi tribe or ban Firewater or have Sam Bradford go on a vision quest. Are the Redskins even that offensive compared to other franchises in the NFL? Get a load of this research:

Rams – Named after gay sex
Buccaneers – Named after Somali pirates/my neighbors that hijack cruise ships
Vikings – Some of the finest rapists ever bred in Europe
Packers – Another team focused on gay sex
Bears – Why do fat, hairy gay guys get their own team again?
Chargers – Not really sure why identity thieves are honored…that is a HUGE pain in the dick—just like Phil Rivers
Chiefs – If the Skins are taking heat, why aren’t these assholes?
Raiders – That guy on the helmet looks like a fine citizen
Bills – I’ll never understand why Canadian and one time commenter, Bill Wennington, got his own franchise
Jets – I forget…what was it that took down the World Trade Center again? It wasn’t a Colt!
Browns – Named after poop; play like it, too.

You see? There are so many insensitive team names around the league that it makes little sense just to target one. I’m not so sure that Redskins is even offensive anyway. When you name a team after Mike Shanahan’s skin hue, shouldn’t he be the one that is upset instead of the Navajos and liberals?

Seriously though, I get that the franchise has a fairly racist past and the name of the team is quite outdated. Considering that the Skins are one of the five most valuable franchises in all of sports, a couple of scathing articles in the Washington Post isn’t going to do anything. The brand (and the money that Danny Boy rakes in) means more than a little negative press. Nothing is ever going to change. Plus we have the best uniforms in football and that matters, dammit!

And it shouldn’t change because as long as The Mississippi Sambos are still functioning in whatever sport they play, the Washington Redskins are going to be just fine. GO SAMBOS! Bomb The Indians! Take Their Casinos!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Ask The Expert: Pitchers and Catchers Report

We're contenders now?
With pitchers and catchers reporting some time soon or by now or whatever, I feel that it is the right time to dust off our cups and HGH to talk baseball for a little while. As a reminder, I know that this isn’t going to be for everyone and you are more than welcome to sabotage the comments. Basically, DEAL WITH IT and thank Buddha that I don't write a summary after every Blue Jackets game.  It could be worse.

Being the objective baseball mind that I am, I decided to just do a Q and A with myself and sort of address some big questions on each of our teams as we head into Spring Training.

Q. Felix Hernandez is a tard, right?
A. Absolutely. He must be allergic to playoff baseball or something because he is never going to see it in his entire career. I don’t understand that from his point of view. You’ve given that franchise over five years and they are still terrible. They have two years left to show you something. Why agree to an extension? Other than CASH MONEY, that makes no sense. Another team with much better players would have offered that same exact contract.  Here's the difference: the big boys can afford you AND other studs.  The Mariners won't be able to bring in anyone else.  Great move, Fetus.

Q. Who the fuck is going to close for the Tigers?
A. I interviewed world famous Tigers historian, Dut, the other night and asked him this same question. I had heard rumors of some rookie named Rondon (no first name, he’s like Cher and he also pitches in ass-less pants) was going to get a crack at the job. Dut says that the big fella cranks it up to 100 and has 3 pitches. Wow, Joel Zumaya has been reincarnated! I hope that Rondon is better at Guitar Hero than Zoom Zoom! Well, when this guy fails, at least Coke showed that he is capable in that role. I hope that the Tigers get into a plane crash this season. It needed to be said.  We're all thinking it.

Q. Are the Red Sox, Cubs, and White Sox going to be any good this season?
A. Nope. Nope. Nope. All three of these teams are going to blow but at least they won’t be as bad as Houston (20 million dollar team payroll!!!). At least you only have two more years of Alfonso Soriano!

Q. Why the hell are the Reds turning Aroldis Chapman into a starter?
A. I don’t like it when teams do this. Chapman was an ELITE closer last year and now you want him to start? A small market team’s window for a title is so small that you can’t waste it with experiments that tend to not work out. The Reds bullpen last year was their biggest STREMPH (outside of the miracle that their starting rotation didn’t miss a start ALL YEAR) and now it is their biggest weakness. Good luck with Jonathon Broxton Miller and his stupid sideburns and fat body.

Q. Are the re-tooled Nubian Braves a legit pennant contender?
A. TOTES. They always have terrific pitching anyway but it was the offense that held them back over the last decade. Getting rid of Larry Jones and bringing in the Uptons is such a huge upgrade. By the way, the National League is so loaded now. The Dodgers and Giants rule the West. The Reds and Cards own the Central. And the Nationals and Braves will duke it out East. Which one of these six teams will miss the playoffs? I think that all of them could win the Series.  You could make an argument that the NL has the six best teams in baseball.

Q. Seriously, are the Yankees only going to add Youk and Hafner this off-season while relying on a catching platoon of Chris Stewart and Francisco Cervelli?
A. I have no fucking clue what this organization is trying to accomplish. In fact, other than slashing payroll, nobody does.  They clearly don’t care about titles anymore. Stewart/Cervelli is our catcher! These are arguably the two worst players in the league. Neither can hit and neither can throw. They serve ZERO purpose. A team that couldn’t score at all in 9 playoff games decided to get worse offensively in the off-season. That’s a bold move. If you’ve been longing for a day where the Yankees and Red Sox finish 4th and 5th in the AL East then get ready because there is a pretty good chance that you’re going to get your wish this year. I have never been less excited for a season to start than I am for this one.  Hell, Damman has invited me to the Indians home opener against the Yankees multiple times and I keep turning him down without thinking twice.

Q. How about them Indians?
A. I said when they hired him that the Tribe wasn’t bringing in a stud manager like Terry Francona only to give him nothing to work with. They were definitely going to make moves and boy have they. When you consider that they’ve turned Choo, Hannahan, Kotchman, and Pronk into Swisher, Bourn, Mark Reynolds, and Drew Stubbs, it’s hard for even the biggest hater to think that they aren’t a LOT better today. This team is going to score a ton of runs. They are prone to strikeouts but the team speed and outfield defense just got drastically better. The starting pitching is still a fairly massive question mark littered with underachievers but those losers should get plenty of run support this year. I just want to add that if you think that Swish is going to play a lot of games at first then you are sadly mistaken. That is not going to happen. Michael Brantley is going to lose playing time with Bourn coming in (which was a really terrific signing by the way—but you already knew that). The Indians look like the kind of team that could really push the Tigers into September.

That should give us knowledgeable baseball fans plenty to talk about today. We can also get into fantasy talk. Is Miggy the consensus #1 overall pick this year? I mean Cairo; not Cabrera, of course. What about Trout? Who is going to be the idiot in your league to draft a pitcher in the first round? Let’s all have a nice catch in the comments.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Let's Get Fat!

                                   The Santa Claus of Fat Tuesdays...

Hey everyone!!  It's Fat Tuesday!!!  Damman's harvest season for potential sex partners.  In honor of today's celebration of fatness, I decided to make a list of the best "Fat" sports athletes of all time.  Or at least the ones that I have always liked...or liked to make fun of.  There really is no criteria except you have to be a chubby fat ass and must have played sports professionally at one point.  And the spell check didn't work for me when I wrote this so go fuck yourselves if I spelled anything wrong.

Honorable mentions:

Matt "Fat" Stafford - We've all seen the pictures of him at the beach with his shirt on.  That's right Matt...the ladies can't see your tit jelly when you're hiding it with a gray trash bag made out of t-shirt material.  Keep it on so the whales don't get horny and beach themselves.  I can't wait until Stafford retires and looks like this one year later:

Fat Lever - Skinniest fat man you'll ever see.  But I guess being called "Fat" your entire life is better than being called by your real name of Lafayette.  Even in the 60's black parents were naming their kids the most ridiculous shit ever.  I like the consistency.

"Fat" Albert Haynesworth - My favorite part of Big Al's career is when shit for brains, lardo Mike Golic out fitness tested his lazy, black ass on live TV.  Lazy, black ass...sorry for the oxymoron there, you guys.  My second favorite part of his career is when a picture of Haynesworth surfaces in the next 10 years of him at the Nathan's Hot Dog eating competition finishing 5th.

Now for the fatties that hold a special place in my grease clogged heart.

Charles Barkley - I love Chuck.  I love that Chuck is a gambling addicted alcoholic that can still hold down a respectable job.  I love that no one has the balls to fire him when obscene and offensive shit oozes out of his mouth.  Anyone that maintain fat pig status and can be such a monster on the boards is aces in my book.  Plus he did what I would have done later in my NBA career.  Pack on 30 el bees and become a 3 point shooting specialist.

JaMarcus Russell - The only reason he's on this list is because of this:

I'll never be able to explain why this picture makes me LOL my fucking balls off.  But it does and always will.  And I will never forget that, JaMarcus.  Good luck with your NFL comeback.  I hope it's just as hilarious as your first run.

Oliver Miller - Word to the wise.  When you name your kid Oliver, he is destined to be a fat shit.  It just sounds like a fat guy's name.  After being signed and released by just about every fucking team in every fucking league imaginable, Miller was arrested and put in jail for a year.  But not before being cut by the Harlem Globetrotters.  Now that's rock fucking bottom, men.  Being cut by a fake basketball team.  Why was he put in jail you ask?  Ready for this?  He pistol whipped a man at a barbeque.  When I think about how that went down, I want to believe this mystery guy snatched the last rack of ribs.  Or maybe was about to throw the pig head away after Oliver specifically asked to take it home with him.  Either way...such a fitting away for Big O to get locked up.  Never fuck with a fat, black man's BBQ!

David Wells - Fuck yes.  The man we all aspire to be.  Known for showing up to games half in the bag, this crazy fuck was not only an obese turd but knew it and didn't give a shit.  As long as you can throw triple digit smoked gouda I guess you can do whatever you please.  Include being high as fucking balls when wheezing your tits out to the mound.  I like to believe the Kenny Powers character is a direct reflection of David Wells real life.

John Daly - Normally golfers are a bunch of pussy bitches and don't deserve being talked about unless they're black and sport fucking TONS of white snatch.  But Daly is a God damn legend and is one of those guys I would love to party with.  Whether it be sexually harassing flight attendants or passing out outside of a Hooters, the possibilities of what would happen that night are endless.  Someone needs to get Daly back on the sauce so I can live out this dream.

Just soak this in for a few minutes...........

Jared Lorenzen - Only because he gave fat kids nationwide hope they could play quarterback some day no matter how many bags of Doritos they ate.

Shawn Kemp - How does one exactly go from this:

To this:

Wowzers.  I would say a good start is to eat nothing but pig lard sandwiches and deep fried fucking EVERYTHING every single day of your life.  Deep fried vegetables are good for you, right? I bet Kemp could still dunk as long as there was a 12 pack of Big Macs hanging out on the back of the rim.

One more thing...

Disgusting.  No wonder he has to rape to get his dick wet.  Good thing about food is that it can't file sexual charges against you after you violate it the way this three toed man sloth does.  Enjoy years of your husband borrowing your bras, Mrs. Roethlisberger!

Well there ya go, fat fucks!  Obviously I had nothing to write about today!  If nothing else, this post shows proof that you can still matter even when you're morbidly obese.  And it will give Damman a boner.  So when you're at your desk today polishing off your 4th Paczki, rest easy knowing that even if you balloon to astronomical proportions, at least you aren't these fat turds.  And for Christ sake please keep your shirt on tomorrow.  Speaking of Paczkis.......

Monday, February 11, 2013

Columbus Done Got Crean Pied

Before we all start laughing at the winless week for the Ohio Buckeyes, I need to get to the bottom of something.  No one has really ever asked but I would imagine that many of you wonder why I hate the Fuckeyes in spite of having no rooting interest for any of their rivals.  The arrogance and stupidity of the fan base is a big reason.  Urban Meyer certainly helps.  Aaron Craft is a narc who got studly Bruce Pearl fired due to his massive gash.  Yet finding out this week that a thing called "Matta-ritaville" exists just pushed me over the edge.  This is the thing that bothers me the most: You all claim to be the world's greatest fans or some other lie yet nothing that you do is original.  It's all a rip-off of other programs.  This most recent concoction steals from Duke basketball AND Jimmy Buffett.  That is just the worst.  Script Ohio isn't yours.  Neither is Seven Nation Army.  You stole the configuration of students around the lower bowl from Sparty.  Hell, even your savior football coach was from a fake morgue via the SEC. In case you were wondering, I would have went with "Jent's Tents" because I am creative and attractive and everyone would have been in awe at how great that modern hooverville is.

What I'm trying to say here is that Ohio Buckeye fans are all frauds and thieves.  The next original idea that they have would also be the first.  I don't count your "awesome" O-H garbage because anyone can spell half the name of your favorite team.  But enough about that--we just had a weekend where Michigan had a hilarious defeat and Ohio got slaughtered.  It's a Money Shot troll's dream come true!  Let's talk about that!

*"I really like the game of that Brusewicz kid"--no one ever

*Trey Burke sucks.  Keep settling for terrible fade away jumpers, kid.  There is nothing wrong with being a poor man's Brandon Jennings except for everything.  OVERRATED!  Man, I hope that Michigan gets to play their entire NCAA tournament in Crisler Arena!  You know, because they can't beat anyone decent away from there.

*I don't subscribe to the theorem that you foul when up 3.  I can see the merit behind that point but that whitey Badger made a half court heave when he wasn't even looking at the rim.  DEAL WITH IT.  Have you seen Michigan's players?  They all look dumb enough to foul a guy while he's pulling up for a 1% 50 footer. 

*I am a troll and thus get very happy when a shit-heel like Bo Ryan wins basketball games.  HE IS A GREAT COACH!  HE PLAYS AN AWESOME KEYBOARD!  I CAN'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CROON BILLY JOEL CLASSICS AT CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!

*This guy is an Ohio Buckeye and I'm pretty sure that he is on scholarship.  THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT INDEED!  The coeds don't stand a chance with this lothario slaying all the beav on High Street!

*When Cody Zeller is shooting free throws, never EVER chant that "Tyler's Better"!  That is the least true thing ever uttered by any idiot in the history of mankind.  I'm not sure how effective Cody will be in the NBA because he's a tweener, but Tyler Zeller is, ummmmmm, still learning.  That's a nice way of saying that everyone in the pros is abusing him.

*Buke, stop telling me to bet the under on Buckeye games.  Your advice is SHIT.

*I don't really care to debate the pointless argument of "who is the best team" but I will say that IU playing like THAT is the best.  That was nearly a perfect game.

*Buckets Thomas got away with at least 3 obvious clear-outs which is one of the easiest calls in basketball.  I am so sick of watching EVERYONE try to take charges these days and refs bailing them out constantly.  It is the most annoying aspect of basketball today.  Flopping isn't the problem anymore; it's charge-taking.

*Victor Oladipo is just incredible.  That guy does it all.  Crean Pie does not deserve him.  Am I crazy to think that he is the most important player on the Hoosiers?  It sure as hell isn't that homo Hulse or whatever his name is.  That guy is a butt chugger.

*On the telecast, the CBS guys said that Ohio State had the longest streak in the country for not losing consecutive games.  OVER!  LOL!  Although it does appear that LaQuinton Ross who wasn't even smart enough to get eligible last year (which is nearly impossible) is starting to figure it out.  That's good news for bad people.

*Michigan gets embarrassed and Ohio loses twice = good week

*I watched most of that five overtime game between Louisville and Notre Dame.  You would think that a game like that would be great like the classic UConn/Syracuse game in the Big East tourney.  You would be incorrect.  That game was awful.  I was drunk on Grey Goose and didn't like it.  I wanted it to end so badly.  That game sucked.  Those teams are poop.

*While I earlier said that no one is beating THAT IU team, I have to say that The U is sneakily incredible.  Have you watched the Canes?  They are terrific.  Barry Larkin's mulatto son is really good.

That should do it for today's college hoops round-up with plenty to talk about/excuses to be made.  Just remember what the Iceman-created label says...Ohio Buckeye fans suck turds.  So true. 

Friday, February 08, 2013

In Woodbury They Love The Guv-nah

Relevant.  Your move, Zombie Danzig and Zombie Lundgren...
I am currently bracing myself for another awesome weekend hosting the in-laws. My stupid wife decided to buy them tickets to the Fuckeye/Indiana game on Sunday. They made it known that they would arrive late afternoon tomorrow although they WANTED to come down on Friday. Of course they did. Even though the game is at 1 and they should be back to the house by 3:30 (my father-in-law is staying back with me while mom and daughter take the tickets) so it is of great importance that I kick them out before dark when they might think that it would be perfectly acceptable to stay another night for no reason at all. Why do they need to go besides “GET OUT”? The Walking Dead returns on Sunday night! That means more Monday afternoon zombie talk here! Oh man, that is YUGE! To catch you up to speed in case you forgot and always fast forward through the “previously on” scenes as I do:

*Rick has toned back on his insanity much to my dismay and wants to blitzkrieg Woodbury.
*Daryl and Merle are being asked to fight to the death in one of those classic Woodbury Zombie Lumberjack matches
*The Governor is now the crazy one as he has an eye patch, a fully dead zombie daughter, Andrea's sweet ass, and a burning hatred of Merle
*Tyreese is still trying to set up his prison boxing gym. He might be interested in Carol’s peach cobbler.
*Speaking of Carol: still worthless
*That blonde girl, Beth I think, keeps sizing up Deputy Dipshit’s loaded weapon
*Deputy Dipshit gonna SLAY THAT PUSS
*Maggie is still my angel and anyone who speaks ill of her will die by my hand
*Glenn is still an Asian and much more badass then he is given credit for
*Andrea is the most naïve and bananas person on the show; wears lovely thongs though which are very important in a zombie apocalypse
*Hershel is still a gimp
*LORI IS DEAD! Judith is the baby girl’s name and it is a terrible name.
*Michonne hates everyone but that kitana is just terrific
*Remember when Ghost Shane popped up a few episodes to spook Rick?  The fuck was that all about.  I WANT REAL SHANE!

That about covers everything as we wait for the second half of season three to begin in two days. A few other quick things that I want to address to help stimulate our internet-rections as we head into the weekend:

*I hope that everyone is following that recruit from Florida who wants to go to Arkansas and play for their chubtard coach (LOLWHY?) but his likely obese mother won’t have any part of that.  She wants him to stay closer to home and attend The U because she wants to watch him play more.  Mama was very mature in her objection by taking the LOI and hiding it.  I don't know why the NCAA needs a parent's permission for an 18 year old kid to make a choice but apparently they do.  It sounds like the kid's dad signed the form for him to go to Let Him Live U but the mom just hired Johnnie Cochran's firm to stop it.  THIS IS NUTS.  This woman is the worst person ever.

*Jay Cutler “proposed” to K-Cav via text and by mailing her an engagement ring. This might be the most Cutler thing ever. The man is a hopeless roman-cat.

*Titus Young SENIOR, after getting released by the Lions for being an asshole, told his high school football coach that he is better than Megatron. Drew sent me this story. The coach pretty much just laughed at his stupid face. Good luck with this guy, Rams.

*Can ESPN please stop talking about the Lakers? They are morphing into Team Tenor with the amount of pointless coverage they get after EVERY game. If they won, ten analysts have to come on and discuss their playoff odds. If they lost, twenty analysts come on and discuss their playoff odds. STOP.

*Finally, can the local media please stop comparing every WR/RB recruit to Percy Harvin? I feel like every goddamn player that Urb has signed since he’s been here (including the linemen) has been rumored by someone to be a Percy Harvin clone. Until one of these guys sits out half a season for a headache, you don’t have the next Percy Harvin. By the way, Harvin is a pretty awful person so maybe you shouldn’t want his twin on your team anyway.

That will do it for this week. Enjoy the football-less weekend. I’m probably going to spend Monday breaking down the big battle between Crean Pie and Pear Nose followed by zombies so try to contain yourselves. If you have any predictions for Season 3 Part 2, fire them off in the comments. My pick to click: there is no way that Merle makes it to season 4.  Out.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

The Super BRAH Never Ends...

The Super Bowl may be decided, but the Battle of the BRAHs never ends.  We bring you to the only Chi Chi's still in existence (we'll say that it's in Toledo) where the boys are back home after a long and grueling season...

Juan the Host: Hola amigos!

(John leads a man in an assless gimp suit into the restaurant by a leash attached to a rhinestone collar)

John: I've already heard enough from you, Luis Guzman.  We're not doing this again.  We're taking that table in the middle of this anal afterbirth of a restaurant.

Juan: Senor, I don't think that we can serve you and your...friend.

John: You will do as your told.  Do you know who I am?  You bow down to me now or I'll come back with Ray Lewis and you do NOT want that, haaaay-zeus.

Juan: Fine, we don't need another scene.

John: Oh, you're going to get a scene, Nacho Libre.  Just sit back and enjoy the donkey show.

(John leads the gimp to the center table and lights up a footlong cigar)

Jim: Bro, you got what you wanted.  Do I have to wear this suit?  I look like the finest Catwoman ever created.  This is not befitting of a man with my reputation.  I've got a cut-off denim shirt in my Camaro.

John: You agreed to the bet, pale n****r.  You lose the Super Bowl to your huge-dicked broseph, you pay your debt.  Oh, look at those burro jockeys over there.  They want to ask me to put out this champion cigar.  I'll put it out on their cunts.  YOU KEEP YOUR ASSES WHERE THEY ARE, JUAN TORRES, YOUR LAWS DO NOT APPLY TO KINGS!

Jim: Please, John, I'm humbled enough.  You don't have to do this.

John: Humble?  You?  What happened to the "genius" who benched his twat QB in favor of some convicted felon?  I hope that that half-breed taught you a thing or six about prison because those lessons will come in handy here in a few minutes.  Oh Sammy!  Sammy Sosa!  We're ready to order over here.

Pablo: Que?  You two never actually make it to the dinner portion of your trip here.

Jim: I may be dressed like a sex slave, but I'm not going to hear any lip from no slippery back so write down whatever garbage my BRAH orders and I don't want any of your Hispanic dandruff in it either. And you better not be writing this down in tomato juice either.

John: Ignore my slave, Pele, his opinion does not matter today.  I don't want anything because I don't enjoy violent diarrhea.  Jim would like to buy everyone here a Smirnoff Ice that he will most definitely not be paying for and neither will I so just throw them on that black family's tab.  That could be amusing.  Jimbo here would like a cobb salad with dressing on the side and a water with lemon because HE IS A FAGGOT!

Jim: Brother, please, I beg you...

John: No, I'm not done, camel gash.  EXCUSE ME!  EVERYONE LOOK AT ME!  CHAMPION HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT!  You have all just been iced by my loser pillow-biting brother.  He's not so big and bad in that black leather queer suit, is he?  All of you must chug--even the children--or you will chug my butt.  There are no exceptions.  Prove to me that you are a future champion, little nipple nibblers!  This toast is for my great Ravens team and my own brilliant mind.  WE DID IT!  Did you all see that fake field goal?  NO ONE SAW THAT COMING!  I OWN THIS FAMILY!!!

(everyone finishes off their Ice)

John: Now everyone get in a line and remind my pussy little brother about how much he sucks and how inferior he is to ME!  I am a Football God!  Mom and Dad should have just named you Marv Levy BRAH for all the Super Bowl losses that you are racking up, baby dick!


(Jim has ten non-fatal strokes simultaneously while ripping the head off an innocent man at the next table and is drinking his blood as Jack Harbaugh enters)

Jack: Boys!  What the heck is going on here?  James, you will not be killing anyone tonight.  Well, you won't be killing anyone else tonight.  And what the bloody hell are you wearing?

Jim: But he cheated, dad!  Do something!  It's not fair!  If you don't get Goodell to hand me my rightful Super Bowl then I am going to start flinging shit around this awful place.  This suit is actually pretty comfortable though.  He wouldn't let me wear the ball gag because Johnny is an ASSHOLE.

(John walks over to a table and takes the tip)

John: Damn right, just adding to the winner's share of the Super Bowl payouts.

Crean: Did anyone call for an awesomely parted hair cut???

Jack: Hello, Tom!
Jim: I hate your fucking guts.

Crean: I'm just happy that you fine fellows finally asked me to one of your boy's nights out!  I always got the feeling that you didn't like me.  What are you wearing, Jim?

Jim: I'm wearing your daughter's broken hymen.  Your invitation must have been a mistake.  Your breath smells like dead pussy. 
Jack: What does your mother have to do with this?

John: GOOD ONE, POP!  No, Tom, you're here for a reason.  And not just to remind us all what our sister's vagina smells like.  When the cops show up--and they will--you're taking the blame for everything.  I invited you all here not just to laugh at Brother Jim's terrible coaching or his ridiculous leather sex suit, but for more sinister reasons.  You see, the BRAHs had a little wager on the Super Bowl and you are about to witness the punishment for the bitch loser.

Jim: John, no.  They don't need to see this, bro-heem.

John: Oh yes they certainly goddamn do.

Pablo: Cobb salad for the lady...


John: He's about to get a cob.

(John stands up and takes off his purple camouflage pants to unveil a foot long throbber)

John: Bend over, broseph, it's time for you to get your Super Bowl trophy.  The BRAHs don't fuck around.  Loser takes the winner the ass!

Jack: JOHN, NO!  This is not normal behavior! This is not the way that you were raised!  Your brother was--but not YOU!

Crean: Seriously--

John: Fuck off, piss boy, you're going to have the same bet for the NCAA tournament with Dad.  If you cut down the rim panties in April, you will wear his ass out at Applebee's.  If not, well--just watch what a full-blooded BRAH can do to a quivering virgin ass.

Jim: John, please, this doesn't need to happen.

John: Bend over and show me that turd cutter.  You can use that cobb salad as a head rest and a place to store your tears.  There WILL be tears.  I can assure you that this will not feel good.

Jack: John, for the last time, what are you doing!!!

(entire restaurant falls deathly silent as no one can look away from the Super Bowl winning coach mounting his sex slave brother while his dad and brother-in-law watch in complete horror)

John: I'm going to Shit-neyland.


At that moment, like all nights out with the BRAHs, the SWAT team comes bursting through all of the windows and everyone was arrested.  The next day, Chi Chi's was closed for good.  And the path of destruction for the BRAHs continues.  Until next time...

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Open Forum: National Signing Day

A Fuckeye?  You have chosen...poorly.
As you all know by now, I am not a fan of college football recruiting which leads to today’s National Signing Day. Obviously, since I am an intelligent sportsman and avid season ticket holder, I get the importance of it. I just don’t starting choking chickens over the potential of high school kids. If you do, that’s great, Brady. I usually try to squash all comments regarding recruits before they get out of hand but not today. Today, just like last year, I’m turning you all loose to argue about a future that you can not possibly predict. So while we wait patiently for #1 recruit Dikembe Mutombo or whatever his name is (UPDATE: it’s Robert Nkemdiche!) to decide which school he plans to leave early with numerous sanctions, let’s start bragging about our hauls.

Before I begin with my RESEARCH, I just want to remind everyone that around this time 5 years ago, Terrelle Pryor committed to “The University of Ohio State”. Steal from you, steal from me. I went through the list of commits and verbals for the five most popular football programs among us. After pouring through hours of tape, I was able to form my own opinion on who your class’s studs are and who the duds are. Let’s start with the worst of the bunch:

Miami University
STUD – QB Tommy Tupa from Brecksville, OH. Yes, that is the son of the former NFL QB/Punter legend. We’re going to be the best pooch punting team in NCAA history (to go with our numerous awards for best RB in world history).
DUD – Everyone else. If there are kids out there who bought into Don Treadwell’s loser bullshit then they have to be ass-y players. I hate our head coach so much.

Clemson University
STUD – DE Shaq Lawson of Chatham, VA and DE Ebenezer Ogundeko of Brooklyn. If your name is Shaq, you automatically get a positive grade from me. I like the other guy’s name. Don’t challenge my expertise!
DUD – RB Tyshon Dye of Elberton, GA. Quite the bold move to sign Commenter Dan’s illegitimate black son, don’t you think?

The University of Georgia
STUD – DB Shaquille Fluker of Scooba, MS and DB Shaquille Wiggins of Tyrone, GA. TWO Shaqs! Richt got himself the best recruiting class in the country!
DUD – WR Jonathon Rumph of Goodman, MS. If I was a fan of another SEC team, I would slay a lot of southern belles and then I would make a sign that says RUMPH IS ASS. Count it.

The University of Michigan
STUD – TE Jake Butt and DE Taco Charlton both from Pickerington, OH. Butt! Taco! Man, if some guy was named Taco Butt; that would be the best thing ever.
DUD – OL Logan Tuley-Tillman from Peoria, IL. I hate hyphenated names on men. PICK A NAME ALREADY, QUEER! And Logan is an awful first name. This guy clearly sucks.

The University at Ohio
STUD – DB Eli Apple from Voorhees, NJ. Nice name, dork. ELITE FRUIT indeed. But, if you are from a town named after Hollywood’s most beloved serial killer, mad props, yo.
DUD – DE Tracy Sprinkle from Elyria and DE Joey Bosa of Ft. Lauderdale. I’m pretty sure that Tracy Sprinkle is the star of numerous gonzo productions. There is no way that that person is tough. And the other guy is named after Joey Harrington and/or Joey Lawrence. What a pussy. You’re a grown man now. Time to drop the Joey. Start calling yourself Ted Wass or something a little more “big boy”.

There you have it. The best National Signing Day breakdown that you will read today. As I said at the beginning, don’t take this day for granted because it only comes around once a year.