|You're fucking dead to me, G$. DEAD!|
First of all, I couldn’t just use one stud to bring up an entire athletic department. Guys like Calipari and Les Miles and Roybert Williams will not be heard from beyond this sentence because the other part of the equation is either garbage or an unknown. If I had to look up a coach, that school was DAIRY QUEENED (Hi Clark Kellogg!). So let’s begin, shall we?
Dishonorable Mention – Ohio State. Urban Meyer is still trying to win a game that actually matters and Thaddeus is a turd.
Honorable Mention – Texas. Mack Brown is doing everything that he can to get fired and Rick Barnes is the worst basketball coach of all time. I only mentioned them because at least you’ve heard of them.
15. Baylor (Art Briles and Scott Drew) – Thanks for RG3, Art!
14. Minnesota (Jerry Kill and Harriett Tubman Smith) – If Kill would ever stop getting electrocuted, he might be able to show everyone that he’s a good football coach.
13. Florida State (Jimbo Fisher and Leonard “Bunny Colvin” Hamilton) – I don’t care…Hamsterdam was a GREAT idea.
12. Oklahoma State (Mike Gundy and Travis Prentice Ford)
11. West Virginia (Dan Holgerson and Chuggy Bear)
10. Duke (Coach K and David Cutcliffe) – I initially didn’t even have these fucks ranked but Cutty is supposedly Peyton’s personal coach so he must not be that horrible.
9. Notre Dame (That Murderer Guy and Mike Brey)
8. Arizona (RICHROD and Sean Miller) – I’m not sure why exactly, but I really like Miller as a coach and as a hunk.
7. Michigan State (Mark Dantonio and Tom Izzo) – This has almost nothing to do with Mr. Personality Dantonio. I had to downgrade Izzo a bit for marrying into a family of luchadors though.
6. Florida (Wilford Muschamp and William Donovan) – Grown men shouldn’t go by Billy. And what happened to the second L in Wil?
5. Michigan (The Hokester and The Undertaker) – Who knows; a year from now this duo could be ranked #1.
4. Oregon (Chipper Kelly and Dana Altman) – OVERRATED? Maybe; but Altman is a very good coach who is turning things around up there and we all know how great Chip is. Prime, please let Chip know that I wanted to rank him first but the lords of the internet would not allow it. Then he can hug me over and over again and tell me that it’s not my fault.
3. Louisville (Black Chuckstrong and Ricky the Abortionist) – I was extremely close to putting them #1. The Cards are going to run trains on the ACC.
2. Alabama (Nick Saban and Anthony Grant) – Grant is still a bit unproven (despite being the architect of that VCU team), but Bama could have Behrman as a coach and they weren’t leaving the top 5.
1. Ohio State (Urb and Thad) – Come on; admit that I got you good. You thought that this was just another attempt at trolling you mouth-breathers, didn’t you?
I have no problem giving credit when it’s due. The fact is that Ohio State hires good coaches. They would have been in the top 3 even if Tress was still lying to everyone here. Just remember that this is the only title that matters and feel free to never pick up any other championships along the way. And if you want, make sure Urban Meyer has a real heart attack this time that kills him. Wait—who am I even suggesting this to? That was some terrible conclusion writing. I could easily delete this paragraph and start over but then you wouldn’t get to truly see how bad I am at this. Oh well, discuss it in the comments…maybe today you assburgers will show up.