We Should Probably Discuss LIESTRONG (AND FAKE-O!)

Nothing is more effective than hired goons.

"I hope somebody breaks a baseball bat over your head. I also hope that one day you have adversity in your life and you have some type of tragedy that will … definitely make an impact on you."—one of Lance Armstrong’s henchman to the wife of a teammate who just wanted to tell the truth

For as little as I care about cycling or doping, it’s kind of hard to ignore this week’s Lance Armstrong news cycle. The sport of bike riding is, to me at least, not interesting at all and thus I don’t pay attention ever. I give no fucks about Lance winning 7 races in France. I don’t care about performance-enhancing drugs. If everyone is on it (and this sport, that is apparently true), then who cares? If you’re going to cheat, you better end up being the best otherwise you come off even more pathetic. But when this story is uncovering a subculture of lies and cover-ups that would make Jim Tressel wince, threats of violence, and furiously angry charity donors…well, that gets my attention. And that is why we will be spending the day on Ol’ One Nut.

First up, the lies! This happens all the damn time and you would think that athletes would know better by now. When you get nailed doing something wrong, just fess up to it right away. The denial and the cover-up make things so much worse than they need to be. Should Pete Rose be in the Hall of Fame? Yeah, but when you spend 20 years lying to everyone then fuck you very much. I think that Andy Pettitte handled scandal about as well as he could. You just admit to it, say you’re sorry, and call Roger Clemens a fag. Lance did it all wrong. He waited until he was stripped of everything before doing damage control. Because of this, I don’t feel bad for him at all.

Now let’s get to the threats of violence expertly reported by ELITE Yahoo writer Dan Wetzel. Wetzel is such a stud. I hope that he gets sucked off morning, noon, and night by the finest strippers. I’m sure we all remember numerous teammates and friends come out over the years claiming that Armstrong cheated and he repeatedly denied it. I like that Lance went a step further by making direct threats to those accusing him. That’s terrific. The idea that a champion cyclist could ruin someone’s life is just ridiculously humorous to me. What’s he going to do—make me wear spandex shorts? It really is stunning that Lance would go so far and so hard at people who were literally not saying anything untruthful about him.

Finally, we should address the perceived charity fraud. It’s true that without his cycling achievements, no one gives a dime to LIVESTRONG. And these people that bought into all the shit that Lance and his team of assholes sold them should be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves. But is it really THAT bad? If you gave money to the yellow bracelets, you gave money to cancer awareness*. What’s wrong with that? It comes down to the same sort of logic that Penn State fans used for Joe Paterno: did the good outweigh the bad? I don’t think so for Joey. I do think so for Lance. He shouldn’t be using that as a crutch to prop himself up on though. He should be slinking away into the shadows forever but I feel as if he can be quite proud that he helped a lot of people from up atop his mountain of lies and deceit. Just don’t go calling this fucker Robin Hood. I’m quite certain that he got a healthy cut from your donations.

*What the fuck does that even mean anyway? Cancer awareness? Some people a lot smarter than me probably have some insight into what they did with that money but I take things at face value so exactly who was unaware of the existence of cancer? If you are going to donate, you should probably look into something like cancer research like what Spielman does. They are actively trying to find a cure. I don’t know, maybe I’m completely wrong about this but I get the feeling that most of the donors were giving money to the man and not the cause which is kind of fucked up.

No one reading this actually cares about Lance Armstrong but I’d like to think that most of us at least have some sort of opinion. I don’t plan on watching the big Oprah interview because I don’t want anyone to think that I actually give a fuck about this man or that I know what channel OWN is on my guide. I don’t want any of that. I just thought that it was interesting (even if the sport is not) and it is highly topical this week. Either way, I will always Lance Armstrong for being an inspiration to millions of people everywhere. Well, maybe not, but he did convince Peter LaFleur to rejoin Average Joe’s Gymnasium and defeat Globo-Gym. I’m not sure if it was Lance’s or Pete Rose’s idea to bet on his own team though. That movie is still terrific! Listen up, crotch stain.

In conclusion, people that take cycling seriously are the worst people in the world. And if you didn’t like this post (and I’ve gone on record many times about the worst post ever written here was about cycling), don’t worry because today is DOUBLE SHOT MONEY SHOT DAY. Come back around noon for new material.  Wait--did I forget something since I wrote the above at 3?

HOLY SHIT!  In a story that could have only been broken by a guy that I played Little League with, Manti Te'o's entire fucking life has been destroyed.  Drew called me to break the news demanding that Te'o's Wiseman Award be stripped.  I declined stating that this story only STREMPHens his grip on the award.  Did Te'o make this up?  Was Marques Tuiasosopo involved?  He was, wasn't he...typical Raider.  Was this actually a big prank which would literally be the worst thing ever?  That is such a dickhead prank if true.  But knowing the internet, it would not surprise me.  I don't know what to think.  I probably side on the "internet relationship gone wrong" as football players are not smart enough to pull off something like this and the timing makes zero sense.  Either way, this story is absolutely FASCINATING and makes me proud to be a part of the internet.  Way to go, Tim Burke, you made this Oriole proud.

And again, today is Double Shot Money Shot so come back after lunch for a little something special from one of our own.