Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tuesday's Topic Trough

CAUTION: This Zombie will spear you in the back when you aren't looking before eating your brains.

That picture will make way more sense later.  Quick story from the weekend.  Saturday I went to a Toledo Walleye hockey game.  Less for the hockey and more so I could get cooked on 32oz Labatt Blue while being an obnoxious twat.  Just know that I was successful.  While at the game I noticed a table with two very familiar looking black men.  Upon further inspection I realized that the men in question were Eric Metcalf and Hanford Dixon.  So naturally I did the creepy fan thing and fucking smothered them with affection.  To my surprise they both loved it...because they were being totally ignored by almost everyone there.  I later found out why.  Just down the corridor there were three former Michigan football players taking pictures and signing autographs.  Kevin Koger, Elliott Mealer (who is a first class cock sucker, by the way) and Damman's man crush Jordan Kovacs.

I still can't believe people cared more about three Michigan guys who probably won't be in the NFL more than two fucking Browns legends.  Sad day.  Which explains why Metcalf was crushed on vodka cranberries.  Oh...and the fact that Ace successfully navigated through UT without being seriously injured is a God damn miracle.  It's also tragic since Ace sucks.  The place we partied in before the game was a block away from campus and a complete crack house shit hole.  I'm not sure they could have plopped that turd of an institution in a worse part of a terrible city.  Well done, dip shits.

Just a slop trough of topics today so put your bibs on.

Hines Ward is going to be an extra on The Walking Dead - Why are you trying to make me hate my favorite show, AMC?  Why must you have arguably my most hated player from my most hated team of ALL FUCKING TIME make a cameo on MY show?  I guess the only saving grace is that he's going to be a walker...and if AMC plans on making this right with me then they will destroy his cheap shotting ass in the most gruesome way possible.

NostraMADDEN! - So apparently the Madden video game simulation has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner 7 times out of the last 9 years.  This year's winner?  The Ravens...of course they fucking would.  Good thing I don't buy into bullshit like this.  I would rather get my dick run over by a tank than watch Ray Lewis win another championship.

Kris Humphries has herpes LOLZ - There is a lady out there who is suing Humphries for going all Ron Mexico on her.  I guess that's one way to convince the world you don't engage in dude sex.  She claims Kristopher gave her the raw tube steak one romantic night over several glasses of Franzia...a claim he does not deny.  But he DOES deny that he gave her herpes.  To the point where he got tested and is willing to Internet post his clean ween results.  What's more LOLZ here?  The fact that an athlete is so careless with his pecker or that Humpheries doesn't know that the herpes virus can lay dormant for years before blistering his privates?

I fucking hate Judge Judy - Of all of the terrible shows future Mrs. Ice watches, this is probably the one that does the most damage.  GAAAAAAAAAAAAH do I fucking hate Judge Judith Sheindlin.  She can drink my piss.  This bitch is the worst.  She hates everyone, asks people questions about what happened then cuts them off with a cunty remark before they can finish.  You asked me a question you fucking gray clam!  Fuck off and let me answer it then you can get your snarky fucking comment in!  GET IN THE KITCHEN!!!!

Milwaukee PenisNoses - So the Brewers let a fan design there new uniforms and logos, eh?  Was the penis nose on purpose or by total accident?  Because whatever that thing is...it has a dick for a nose.  Apparently the phallic symbol on the patch and on the hats is known as "Barrel Man".  I've already spent too much time on this.  Baseball is so fucking gay.

J.J. Redick has Bieber Fever - Holy Christ on a cracker!  Redick was spotted at a Bieber concert and blames it on his wife!  First of all, is your wife 12?  What the fuck is she listening to Beebs for?  Does it help her pass the time in between gym class and social studies?  Second...grow a fucking set.  Future Mrs. Ice once asked me to go to Twilight: Breaking Wind (that's what it's called, right?) with her.  I said, "I will not.  Because I'm not a fag.  But if you want to see it, here's a $20.  Go nuts."  You have to draw the line in the sand somewhere or before you know it you'll be agreeing to try on dresses for her.  My line is Twilight and since Redick appears to be a eunuch, he will be wearing dresses soon.  One more thing:

Never forget.

RonDOH! - The Celtics are toast.  Rajon Rondo has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season.  Remember when I said the Celtics are shit?  Remember when I said they would miss the playoffs this year?  Remember when Paul Pierce started shopping for bras at Victoria's Secret?  I couldn't be happier about this.  Why?  Because fuck the Celtics.  And double fuck Rondo.  That little shit needs to be knocked down a peg or fucking eight and needs stop acting like a little bitch every time he laces them up.  He's been spending too much time in "How to be a Cunt 101" taught by Kevin Garnett.  Seriously...those two dildos are impossible to like.  Only a fuck face Celtics fan can find ways to defend these assholes.

This should give us enough topics to successfully prevent everyone from doing anything productive at work today.  If that's not enough, BONUS NUGGET!  I just read that Joe Flacco is looking for $20 million per season with his new contract.  Fuck me sideways.  Not since Gilbert Arenas will a larger portion of money be pissed away if the Ravens pay that.  Fingers crossed...


Anonymous said...

Fuck the Celtics indeed. Here comes the Pistons playoff run!

Hopefully, Officer Dipshit kills Hines.

Flacco 20M...LOLZ.

Judge Judy is one of the highest paid people in all of television. She makes like $30M a year somehow.

Go Ravens


Mr. Ace said...

UT is in a bad part of town? You should have seen that shit 10 years ago. It's a resort by comparison now.

I saw Judge Judy's yacht while I was on Sanibel Island in Florida. Biggest yacht I have ever seen. Like twice as big as oil/old money trust funders in the same area. She is a fucking genius.

MuDawgfan said...

Here are the Top 10 projected NFL QB Salaries for 2013. With some obvious changes expected since nobody is paying Vick that much money.


1. LAWL LAWL LAWL at the Raiders giving CP that much scrilla

2. Flacco wants the same amount as Peyton Manning. Read that again.

3. Matty Ice is going to get paid this off season. I expect him to be in the Top 5 salaries by 2014.

4. Ho ho ho! Phillips Rivers! What a shitbag. Think the Chargers don't regret that salary?

GMoney said...

You know, your future wife gets worse and worse every time that you talk about her. She probably didn't even know who Handjob Dixon is. Her blog dad, Grump, needs to set her straight.

The Celtics are still going to make the playoffs. All you have to do in the East is win 38-40 games and you get in. And they will get SLAUGHTERED be El Heat in the first round.

I saw that Hines Ward shit yesterday. Not cool, BRAH. And it is DEPUTY Dipshit. He is no ordinary officer. That comes back soon, doesn't it?

Flacco picked a great time to be ELITE, didn't he? Dude isn't going to get 20 per, but he will definitely get 5 for 75.

If you were truly shithoused and talking to old Browns, you should have demanded to meet Frank Minnifield. How is Mealer a cocksucker? You would think that he would be a little humble after his last great trip to Archbold.

Brady said...

Damn! I should've went to that game after all. What would Metcalf's reaction have been if I would've wore my ELITE retro Metcalf jersey? Would he have bought me a vodka cranberry? Maybe we would've become actual friends. Would Dixon, Metcalf and I hit the town to CRUSH some pussy? So many missed opportunities. I'm devestated to learn this today.

Brady said...


/grammar police

Jeff said...

G$, you should TOTES win more free CBJ tix and then turn them down if that means a win.

Did Kris Humphries fuck LeSean McCoy? I heard he has the herpes too. Note to self: Pissing off crazy baby mamas on twitter never ends well.

GMoney said...

We will win the Cup on my neglect alone.

And it amazes me that dudes still bang crazy chicks. That NEVER ends well.

Brady, Fagnasty/Naptown Wolverine (who has not been seen around here for years because he is a gash) has a retro Metcalf Atlanta Falcons jersey. It is pretty intense...likely covered in semen though.

Ice Man said...

I tried talking to Mealer about good ol Northwest Ohio football. Since...you know...he played at Wauseon. That faggot totally blew me off and said he doesn't know my brother when he fucking partied with him in Ann Arbor 3 months ago. He acted like a rockstar even though no one knew who this sumbitch was until his redshirt senior year. Apparently his brother who was paralyzed in that accident is a pretty major dildo too so I guess being a douche runs in the family.

Brady said...

Were Dixon and Metcalf charging for autographs or something? Why is there no visual proof that you hung out with them? Did you offer to buy EM another vodka cranberry? It sounds like you really missed out on a golden opportunity here.

GMoney said...

This might be hard for you to understand...but not everyone wants to talk about the glory days of the Wauseon/Nap rivalry. I bet that Corey Griggs does though. In between shots of diesel gas, of course.

After he blew you off, you should have dropped some truth on him and said "Elliot is a fag name. BOOM."

Grumpy said...

Hate to be late to the party. Had to see my urologist for his annual diddle. G$ offered to go in my place, but I'm not letting him spoil my fun.

Hines Ward will blind side your Deputy Dog.

Ice Man said...

I didn't get autographs, Brady because I'm not 13 anymore. I did the man thing and had a grown up conversation with them about the glory days of Browns football.

I would think Elliot would jump at the chance to talk about his ELITE tight end days at Wauseon since that's who people know him as. And how B. Hummer fuckin punked his ass at the goal line to preserve the win for the Blue and White.

Speaking of Griggs. One of my best friends from collge was married a few years back. His wife's sister is a titanic whore. Like...think of the biggest whore you know and double her career dick count. This is her. I saw this skank in a bar last summer with who on her arm? Yes...a hammered Corey Griggs. He's still a raging alcoholic in case anyone was wondering.

Brady said...

I didn't say you should've gotten an autograph but I would definitely have went for the picture. I can only imagine getting that pic and sending it to my dad. He would lose his mind. Dixon was his favorite back in the glory days.

Who picks marginal Michigan players over dudes that played in multiple AFC title games? Toledo is full of trashy, retarded people.

Brady said...

Completely different topic but I'm headed to C-Bus tonight for my first Buckeye basketball game in years. I'm pretty excited about it. Before the game, my sister is taking me to Canes chicken. I've never had it (even with hundreds of C-Bus trips under my belt) and poeple can't believe it when I tell them that. Have I been missing out? Is it everything it is cracked up to be?

Anonymous said...

"I didn't get autographs, Brady because I'm not 13 anymore. I did the man thing and had a grown up conversation with them about the glory days of Browns football."

This couldn't be more true. My days working at Muirfield or just running about in NYC I run into celebrities (athletes or otherwise) all the time. Anytime I mention this, I get asked the same thing. Did you get an autograph or take a picture? Go fuck yourself, I'm 30.

I saw the Karate Kid last week, and could have cared less. I live down the street from Claire Danes, nice puppy, stop crying on Homeland. I saw Al Sharpton and texted racist things to my friends, and wish he'd die (soon enough(!!)). I am not going to run up to these people act like a fucking douchebag and get a picture. Caveat: If it's Kate Upton or a VS Angel, I am TOTES doing that and leaving that as my facebook profile picture FOREVER.

I did, however, totally geek out and shook Bill Russell's hand, because, he is Bill Fucking Russell. Dude's a living legend even if he was a Celtic. And Jack Nickaus is a complete racist, so I like to think we'd be good friends.


Anonymous said...

"Have I been missing out? Is it everything it is cracked up to be?"

I get the explosive shits when I eat it. Pass. Everything is deep fried, even the Texas Toast, and mixing ketchup with thousand island isn't addicting, its shit. The chicken fingers ain't bad though.


GMoney said...

Brady, you picked an awful game to go to. First to 40 wins! But Cane's is the TROOF. If you're an American, you will love it.

Corey Griggs was an alcoholic at 17. He has to have double digit DUIs by now which would put him slightly ahead of Mr. Ace's trainwreck of a sister in law.

What Brady is trying to say is that a pic of him and a random Browns DB from the "glory days" would be a perfect gift for a father's quarter birthday. Count it!

Shaking Bill Russell's hand? I didn't respect you much anyway but that is definitely gone now.

Speaking of minor celeb run-ins, a few weeks ago I had to drive downtown for some gay work thing and I passed Jim Lachey on the highway. He was just changing lanes without signaling. I flipped him off. I don't care if you were a Super Bowl winning Redskin and a Hog, that doesn't give you the right to be a menace on the road, jerk. TAKE THAT, MICHIGAN!

Ice Man said...

After shaking Bill Russell's hand I would have asked him how many white vaginas those finger logs have tickled. I'm sure he would have appreciated my inquiries.

ACE said...

Canes is not elite. If you are going big, but not expensive, in Columbus, then Thurmans is the only way to go. Or Hal & Als of course.

So Iceman won't ask former Browns legends for autographs/pictures, but is pissed off when a college kid doesn't remember his brother from partying with him three fucking months ago??? LULWUT! THAT'S HILARIOUS.

The only athlete autograph that I ever go was of the former Univeristy of Toledo great, Wasean Tait, at the Franklin Park mall while in sixth grade. GREATEST MAC RUNNING BACK EVER. Dut's uncle peed in the same urinal as me. Wierd.

GMoney said...

Travis Prentice is the best RB of all time so I assume that he is also a million times better than Wasean fucking Tait's worthless ass.

Horrible news: Apparently, Hines Ward got his walk-on role in TWD from his college buddy and teammate at UGA, T-Dog! I lost a lot of respect for T-Dog. Not cool. I'm glad he's dead.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, as much as I'd like to make fun of Mealer...his paralyzed bro and dead Dad....Icemans an idiot here. No fucking way should that dude be pumped to talk old high school football stories with your ass.

Nice to see ARod is still trying to cheat his way back to.being a good player.


ACE said...

In 1995 Tait put up the best season ever for a MAC running back, over 2,000 yards and 24 TD's. Prentice never broke 2 g's. TAIT>>>PRENTICE

Ice Man said...

I didn't say be "pumped" about it. But at least humor me and don't be a sour bitch to people who are fans. Christ...Kevin Koger is a former classmate of future mrs. Ice and has no idea who I am. Yet he sat there on saturday and talked football with me (high school and college) for 10 minutes. He didn't have to but he did because he's a nice guy and not a little turd like Elliott "Big Tyme" Mealer.

And I wasn't pissed Mealer didn't remember my brother. I was pissed because he was acting like it was a fucking chore for him to be there. Don't want people asking you about high school football?? Don't agree to sign autographs 35 miles away from where you played your high school ball.

GMoney said...

Tait is a pussy who faked a torn ACL. NOT A MAN.

A-Rod can never stop being great!

You don't need to have a paralyzed bro or a dead dad to not want to talk to Iceman about anything.

Anonymous said...

MAC football accomplishments are the bragging point of any well seasoned auto mechanic. Keep shooting for the stars, boys!


GMoney said...

I have no idea who Kevin Koger is but it is painfully obvious that Iceman misspelled "Chad Kroeger". He loves swapping stories with that musical genius.

Ice Man said...

Chad Kroeger stories > Jim Lachey stories.

Anonymous said...

To ICEMANs defense, Mueller does know his bro very well (lake partied with all of them, he regulatory hangs with naptown clowns holdin is down like WOAH). So that fact that he denied this is evidence at how much he didn't want to be seen talking to ICEMAN.

You just got clowned...

More Corey Griggs stories, it sounds like he's the classic hometown hero who still thinks he's a celebrity because he was all world at HS football....

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Seriously though Brady, Cane's is an enjoyable eating experience. To anyone else going to the game tonight, if you see Brady he will just ignore you. It is what he does best (other than celebrating birthdays).

GMoney said...

The only real Griggs legend that I know is that he showed up to high school baseball practice shithouse drunk and pissed on the mound mid-practice. He was not disciplined.

Ice Man said...

I also heard Griggs lost his baseball scholly to UNC because he stole a case of beer from Cheif supermarket. Not sure if that's true. What I DO know as truth is my mom went to take sports pictures at Wauseon and I was there to help. Griggs was clearly hammered during the entire shoot to the point where my mom noticed. and shes terrible at noticing stuff like that. Even back then Griggs was a douche.

Mr. Ace said...

Corey Griggs...all I remember about him is one of the cousins saying that they could smell the booze on his breath during a Naptown/Wauseon game. Dude might have been one of the best athletes to come thru NW Ohio. He was certainly #1 booze hound.

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