CAUTION: This Zombie will spear you in the back when you aren't looking before eating your brains.
That picture will make way more sense later. Quick story from the weekend. Saturday I went to a Toledo Walleye hockey game. Less for the hockey and more so I could get cooked on 32oz Labatt Blue while being an obnoxious twat. Just know that I was successful. While at the game I noticed a table with two very familiar looking black men. Upon further inspection I realized that the men in question were Eric Metcalf and Hanford Dixon. So naturally I did the creepy fan thing and fucking smothered them with affection. To my surprise they both loved it...because they were being totally ignored by almost everyone there. I later found out why. Just down the corridor there were three former Michigan football players taking pictures and signing autographs. Kevin Koger, Elliott Mealer (who is a first class cock sucker, by the way) and Damman's man crush Jordan Kovacs.
I still can't believe people cared more about three Michigan guys who probably won't be in the NFL more than two fucking Browns legends. Sad day. Which explains why Metcalf was crushed on vodka cranberries. Oh...and the fact that Ace successfully navigated through UT without being seriously injured is a God damn miracle. It's also tragic since Ace sucks. The place we partied in before the game was a block away from campus and a complete crack house shit hole. I'm not sure they could have plopped that turd of an institution in a worse part of a terrible city. Well done, dip shits.
Just a slop trough of topics today so put your bibs on.
Hines Ward is going to be an extra on The Walking Dead - Why are you trying to make me hate my favorite show, AMC? Why must you have arguably my most hated player from my most hated team of ALL FUCKING TIME make a cameo on MY show? I guess the only saving grace is that he's going to be a walker...and if AMC plans on making this right with me then they will destroy his cheap shotting ass in the most gruesome way possible.
NostraMADDEN! - So apparently the Madden video game simulation has correctly picked the Super Bowl winner 7 times out of the last 9 years. This year's winner? The Ravens...of course they fucking would. Good thing I don't buy into bullshit like this. I would rather get my dick run over by a tank than watch Ray Lewis win another championship.
Kris Humphries has herpes LOLZ - There is a lady out there who is suing Humphries for going all Ron Mexico on her. I guess that's one way to convince the world you don't engage in dude sex. She claims Kristopher gave her the raw tube steak one romantic night over several glasses of Franzia...a claim he does not deny. But he DOES deny that he gave her herpes. To the point where he got tested and is willing to Internet post his clean ween results. What's more LOLZ here? The fact that an athlete is so careless with his pecker or that Humpheries doesn't know that the herpes virus can lay dormant for years before blistering his privates?
I fucking hate Judge Judy - Of all of the terrible shows future Mrs. Ice watches, this is probably the one that does the most damage. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH do I fucking hate Judge Judith Sheindlin. She can drink my piss. This bitch is the worst. She hates everyone, asks people questions about what happened then cuts them off with a cunty remark before they can finish. You asked me a question you fucking gray clam! Fuck off and let me answer it then you can get your snarky fucking comment in! GET IN THE KITCHEN!!!!
Milwaukee PenisNoses - So the Brewers let a fan design there new uniforms and logos, eh? Was the penis nose on purpose or by total accident? Because whatever that thing is...it has a dick for a nose. Apparently the phallic symbol on the patch and on the hats is known as "Barrel Man". I've already spent too much time on this. Baseball is so fucking gay.
J.J. Redick has Bieber Fever - Holy Christ on a cracker! Redick was spotted at a Bieber concert and blames it on his wife! First of all, is your wife 12? What the fuck is she listening to Beebs for? Does it help her pass the time in between gym class and social studies? Second...grow a fucking set. Future Mrs. Ice once asked me to go to Twilight: Breaking Wind (that's what it's called, right?) with her. I said, "I will not. Because I'm not a fag. But if you want to see it, here's a $20. Go nuts." You have to draw the line in the sand somewhere or before you know it you'll be agreeing to try on dresses for her. My line is Twilight and since Redick appears to be a eunuch, he will be wearing dresses soon. One more thing:
RonDOH! - The Celtics are toast. Rajon Rondo has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season. Remember when I said the Celtics are shit? Remember when I said they would miss the playoffs this year? Remember when Paul Pierce started shopping for bras at Victoria's Secret? I couldn't be happier about this. Why? Because fuck the Celtics. And double fuck Rondo. That little shit needs to be knocked down a peg or fucking eight and needs stop acting like a little bitch every time he laces them up. He's been spending too much time in "How to be a Cunt 101" taught by Kevin Garnett. Seriously...those two dildos are impossible to like. Only a fuck face Celtics fan can find ways to defend these assholes.
This should give us enough topics to successfully prevent everyone from doing anything productive at work today. If that's not enough, BONUS NUGGET! I just read that Joe Flacco is looking for $20 million per season with his new contract. Fuck me sideways. Not since Gilbert Arenas will a larger portion of money be pissed away if the Ravens pay that. Fingers crossed...