Thursday, January 31, 2013

These Prop Bets Are Chock Full Of Deer Antler Spray

Imagine the performance enhancing powers from the antlers of this creature!
Before we get into my favorite Super Bowl prop bets, there are a few football topics that I want to briefly discuss. So apparently, Ray Lewis’s miraculous comeback from a torn goddamn triceps is due to his love for deer antler velvet spray. I just—I don’t even know what to say about this. I mean, who the fuck even thought of testing that to see if it possessed human tissue building capabilities? I can’t even imagine a more random thing to research to determine if it was similar to HGH. That is fucking BANANAS. The fact that Ray Ray’s dirty blood is now combined with his rusty knife 4 days before his last game is just tremendous. OBVZ he is going to play because The Rog is way too much of a pussy to suspend him now but this is just awesome. If you didn’t hate Ray Lewis before (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!), then you should definitely now.  I'm sure that this mouth steroids spray is all part of God's grand plan.

Is there any doubt that Jim Harbaugh was behind this story leak? He’s probably just getting back at John for making up those rape charges for Mike Crabtree. I’ll tell ya, the prank war between the BRAHs is getting heated!

Also, in his certain LOL-worthy interview with THEE Dr. Phil McGraw airing today, Ronaiah Tuiasasopo revealed that he fell in love with Manti Te’o. HAHAHAHAHA!!! What a swerve! Everyone wanted to believe that Manti was gay but, in reality, it was actually the Catfisherman who was looking to get his anus hooked! And you know that this guy was beating off constantly while Te’o was saying comforting things to “the love of his life” while "she" was "dying". Notre Dame = gay.

With that out of the way, let’s get into my Top 10 favorite prop bets for the Super Bowl!!!

MVP – Let’s get this one out of the way first since it is a total crapshoot. You are going to be tempted to bet money on Ray Lewis here. DO NOT DO THAT. He’s not going to win it. That’s a waste of money and it makes no sense why his odds are the 3rd lowest (+800). The 49ers can’t win the Super Bowl without Colin K being the MVP. FACT. The Ravens can win the Super Bowl without Flacco being ELITE. I sort of like Boldin and Torrey Smith at +1500 if you want to take a flyer on this prop.

10. The number of times Ray Lewis mentions God in his postgame interview: OVER 3 - This is a fucking lock if Baltimore wins.  It is never going to happen if they lose and he is too "heartbroken" to speak much.  By the way, this is one of the best props of all time.

9. The number of times that the announcers refer to the game as the Harbaugh Bowl, Har-Bowl, or Super Baugh: UNDER 2.5 - You would think that this would be an easy over but I honestly don't think that the CBS booth will say it more than once.  Nantz is a pro who doesn't usually get sucked into sideshows (Butler Cabin excluded) and Simms is such an idiot that he probably doesn't even know that these coaches are related.

8. Colin Kaepernick’s 1st TD pass: UNDER 13.5 yards - I've just got a feeling on this one.  I don't see either team really airing it out early (lots of dink and dunk AKA The Todd Haley Special).

7. Torrey Smith receiving yards: OVER 65.5 - I'm a big fan of this kid.  The Ravens are going to throw it deep.  They always do.  They usually only throw it to Smith.  And I've seen Carlos Rogers play enough to know that he enjoys getting burnt.

6. Colin Kaepernick first rushing attempt: OVER 5.5 yards - I really like this one.  He's going to be nervous and will not hold on to it on a zone read unless the hole is wider than Tony Siragusa's ass.

5. Will either team score in the first 6 minutes: NO - Neither one of these teams has gotten off to good starts in either of their playoff games.

4. Alicia Keys National Anthem Length: UNDER 2:05 - Last year, Fat Ass Kelly Clarkson sang it in 1:34.  Even though Keys is way more talented, can she tack on an extra 30 seconds?  Hells nah, BRAH.  I also like the prop that Keys won't screw up any words.  She's a pro, dammit!

3. How many times will “Harbaugh” be said during the game: OVER 20.5 - Are you kidding?  Why would anyone bet the under?  Has there ever been a football game where the head coach was just ignored by the broadcast booth?

2. Total combined pass completions by both teams: UNDER 38.5 - In the playoffs, Flacco averages 19 completions and Kaepernick 16.  They are both facing better defenses than anything they've seen the past month.  The under is an easy play.

1. First half total points: UNDER 23.5 - Don't even think about it.  I proved last year that this prop is a lock. 

I don't like many of the yardage props this year simply because both offenses are unpredictable and inconsistent.  So I'm sticking with QB props and betting on both of them being nervous.  That seems like a winning strategy to me.  Tomorrow, I get to unleash my annual 15 pronged prediction generator to determine who wins the Super Bowl (and unveil the Bowl Mania Standings!).  Just admit it...you're falling in love with me.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

We should have had to pick these for the final round of the pick em. Blind luck all around.

Also......DEEEEEEEETROITTTTTT BASKETBALLLLLLLLL! Sick trade by Joe last night. Tayshauns terrible ass and contract are gone and it was in exchange for fucking Calderon and his 11M expiring deal. Unbelievable that someone was willing to make that trade.

About $30M in expiring deals....plus the Charlie V amnesty is still on the table. Good chance to add to the Knight/Monroe/Drummond triumvirate. Drummond gonna be sooooo good.
--Drew

Anonymous said...

Also, why is Ray Lewis an asshole for using PEDs...but, G$ always defends the baseball players like AFraud that did/do them.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

ARod has played his last game...ever?

Anonymous said...

Anything that adds to this narrative of Lewis being a terrible OVERRATED piece of shit, I'm all for.

That Alicia Keys bet is a lock. There is also a bet that pays off is she doesn't add a word to the anthem. The fuck?

The Harbowl one may be a lock too. Nantz won't say it, but the telecast will include the studio, that will say it at every chance. And probably whatever cooze is pulling sideline duties. Three times is a lock.

Halftime under = free money.

I will be in Atlantic (Hotlantic?) City this weekend, yet again for the Super Bowl, mixing it up with New Jersey's worst human beings. However, this year I am going into it knowing there IS NO FUCKING SPORTSBOOK, ARE YOU SERIOUS?! Jersey is the worst.

Ide

GMoney said...

Cap room in rust belt cities is sort of pointless if no one but the Charlies V and Bens Gordon of the world want to play there. I like the deal for the Grizz I think.

PEDs are the ultimate hypocritical tool. The only time I actually care about them is when they are connected to someone that I hate. At least I'm honest.

I don't think that The Centaur will ever play in New York again. They will find a way to divorce each other. I assume that he'll finish his interesting career in Miami.

Ide, I believe that that bet is strictly the booth guys and I don't see JEEEEEEM and FEEEEEEL saying anything weird like that thrice.

Grumpy said...

Wilbon and Mr. Tony speculating that the Yankees will use the current PED news to dump him and that nobody is picking up his contract for a 37 yr.old .240 hitter with 10 home runs.

Blackballed sort of like Bonds.

GMoney said...

If the contract gets voided as they will try to do, then you can sign him for whatever (definitely cheap). The Marlins will probably go after him. It's the right time for this divorce to happen.

As someone who enjoys a good conspiracy theory, I think it would be terrific if A-Rod was innocent and it was Cashman and the Steinbrenners who framed him so they could get rid of him. We're going to have Travis Hafner soon anyway so OBVZ we're all set.

Anonymous said...

Ray Lewis overrated? You're high. He is the best linebacker of our generation and in the mix for the greatest of all time. The fact that he murdered people and eats deer antlers makes him legendary. Who would fuck with that dude? Dead people, that's who.

Yankees aren't going to be able to dump that terrible contract. Ain't happenin brah. Yankees are old and gay. I just hope they make the playoffs so they can get embarrassed by the class of the American League (Detroit tigers) again.

The sec apparently also eats deer antlers. It's all good though... Alabama sent that company TWO letters over 3 years saying to stay away. You know they mean business.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah... The Cbj fat superfan is @kschroeder1720. He re tweeted the video my roommate posted of him dancing. He's probably the best Cbj person to follow... Except for @fleshlight.

Dut

Ice Man said...

Do you think the announcers involved in these prop bets would do things to purposely fuck it up in order to win themselves money? Like...Nantz and Simms would research what bets they have control over as announcers, have people place bets for them, and clean up by saying what the bets say they need to say on air? Am I looking too much into this? Do I secretly want Phil Simms to be a degenerage gambler?

I like Calderon as a PG and this just tells me that Stuckey is gone next year. Joe Dumars isn't stupid enough to keep 4 point guards on the roster, right? RIGHT??

TuiasoHOMO is making some awfully big sacrifices in order to cover the scam he and Te'o dreamed up. Now he's saying he's gay, eh? I'm sorry...I'm still not buying any of this bullshit. The fact remains that BEFORE anyone in the public knew this chick was not real, Te'o and his father both had said in interviews they had met her in person. Now I understand why Te'o lied about meeting her...but why would his father lie to the media about meeting her if he really thought she was a real person this whole time? Makes zero sense.

I wonder if Ace's laptop gets HD so he can enjoy the Super Bowl like the rest of us...

Brady said...

They are going to try and void that contract but the union will fight tooth and nail. I'm guessing they release him and try to settle for some random chunk of money. Is that the worst contract of all time? It's got to be up there.

The "Harbaugh" mention prop bet is free money. I might even bet they surpass that line in the first half.

I'm always fascinated by these prop bets. There are tons of them that seem like they could be compromised by shady bets. Gatorade color? Beyonce's hair style? Couldn't some shady bookie infiltrate one of these bets to get an advantage?

Mr. Ace said...

HD ANTENNA FOR NETWORK TELEVISION MOTHER FUCKERS!

Why are deer antlers banned? Makes no sense. A guy can get shot up so an entire fucking limb is numb, but if he takes something so that said limb heals faster then fuck him. Crazy.

Anonymous said...

Not on black people's hair. Since they rarely grow their own, it can be changed at a moments notice. There was actually inside talk already about the Gatorade, but that could be smoke screen.

Dut eblowing Ray Ray's legacy is equal parts depressing and hilarious. He can trade blowies with Drew during the Super Bowl as they root for the Ravens.

Ide

GMoney said...

I don't think that they will actually to be able to rip the contract up. I see each side suing each other and then a settlement happening. I don't care. It's not my money. We've got Youk now!

/cries

Right now, I don't see us making the playoffs because we play in a division where teams try to win baseball games.

I guarantee that @kschroeder1720 uses @fleshlight every day.

Ice, Al Michaels definitely. Nantz not so much. And Simms is too dumb to notice anything.

Brady, how did you like Cane's? Did you watch The Americans last night? THAT is a pilot. Ten times better than The Following.

GMoney said...

By the way, just did the updated standings for the Bowl Mania...six of you fuckers still have a chance (to fellate me)!

Jeff said...

Ace, did you not know you could get HD through and antenna? Guess they don't tell you that in a book. Get with the times bragh. Using an antenna to get the HD feed is actually the cleanest, clearest picture there is. Get it straight from the source before your cable provider chops it up.

A guy I work with has a spray bottle of IGH-1 (deer antler spray) on his desk. I sprayed some on my tongue and contemplated a mass murder on my whole office, but have not decided where I can dispose of my bloody suit.

Prime99 said...

SHE WAS A MAN, BABY! Te'o's story gets weirder and weirder...

Go under on Alicia Keys. I don't think vocal masturbation to get the Anthem over 2:04 is possible.

Anonymous said...

No way can they void AFrauds deal. I could see the buyout/Miami scenario tho.

--Drew

Brady said...

I will be checking out The Americans tonight. I fell asleep before I could get to it last night. I'm looking forward to it though. TEN TIMES better than The following? Seems a little ambitious.

Canes was decent. The sauce was really good but I like my chicken fingers to be a little more crispy (because I'm a fat kid). Overall it was a good experience but it was hyped up too much before I got to try it. I'm sure it's a million times better when you're drunk at 2am.

GMoney said...

LOL Brady went to bed at 8 pm last night. He must be my wife. Can't even keep his precious eyes open until 10!

Anonymous said...

I have never eaten canes without being ruhtarded or hungover. I don't think it would be that great sober. It's in the Taco Bell tier.

Speaking of mass murder in an office, yesterday the dude that sits in the cube next to me was telling a terrible long boring story as usual and had an audience of about 3. The 57 year old slightly overweight guy from Philly that sits behind us gets up, grabs a plastic gun (that says nationwide on it), walks to the dude telling the story and yells "fuck you!" and shoots the story teller in the face. It was a confetti gun and made a noise like a cap gun. It was the most random thing in the world. We all stood there in disbelief for a few seconds before I geeked out for 15 minutes. You may have had to be there, but that was the funniest thing that I will probably ever see at work.

Dut

Brady said...

The pilot was on at 10 right? I don't like to be a slave to corporate America and choose to DVR shit so I can fast forward through commercials. Between my massive hang over from the night before and the drive home from C Bus, I didn't make it that long. Usually I am a creature of the night!

Ace said...

Jeff, yes I knew that. Hence my comment, HD ANTENNA FOR NETWORK TELEVISION MOFO'S.

Dut, ELITE work story.

Anonymous said...

No one gave G$ props on this GEM yesterday:
'Thanks for clearing that up. For a second I thought that you two spooned nightly. Ape looks like a power bottom.'

ACE - Here is why DEER ANTLERS are banned: "You're familiar with HGH, correct? It's converted in the liver to IGF-1," Key explained, according to the Sports Illustrated report. "IGF-1, or insulin-like growth factor, is a natural, anabolic hormone that stimulates muscle growth. We have deer that we harvest out of New Zealand. Their antlers are the fastest-growing substance on planet Earth ... because of the high concentration of IGF-1.

You can get HD feed through antenna for free. I spent two weeks watching my local (royal oak) city council meetings and non college football sports while waiting on my cable.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Nice awful story, Dut. Wake me when someone actually gets capped in your office due to boring everyone.

Thanks, JSaul!

Ace said...

J Saul, I understand that side. However, I feel the PED line is very blurry and only hurts the players in the long run. Toradol=Good, Deer Antler=Bad? Doesn't really make sense to me.

Anonymous said...

haha yeah you mean the shit they shoot those guys up with every game. Its a huge hypocrisy obviously. I was just clarifying for you haha. The seller of this stuff makes a great point to those 'cease and diciest letters' from Bama. 'You can't stop me from talking to your players, its a free country'. lol, College football and the NCAA as a whole are just a giant sham. They serve to the almighty dollar and no one else.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Then why do you watch if it bothers you? Boom.

GMoney said...

I am so sick and fucking tired of this whole "Is Randy Moss the best WR of all time" fake debate. The answer is a resounding no. Move along.

Ace said...

G$, "I hate the debate about Randy Moss being the best WR...but I will add my opinion to the debate anways."

Randy Moss FTW

Anonymous said...

Why do you eat delicious food with knowing/complaing it will destroy your butthole later?

Its that's good, that's why.

I don't have to agree with the business side to enjoy the product. Its called being a hypocrite...

Does that answer your non question?!

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Ape, I answered the question in one word instead of debating it for an hour on the radio. I am ELITE.

JSaul, touche, and I enjoy watching hockey even though Bettman is a turd burglar and my team's best player this year has been Mark Letestu (who blows). Carry on.

Brady said...

I heard the Randy Moss interview about being the best WR ever. I could barely concentrate on what he was saying. Has there ever been a black man that sounds more like a slack-jawed yokel? I say no. Somebody get Rob Parker's opinion!

The Iceman said...

Randy Moss is from the Virginia's. He doesn't count as being black. But all the times he's been butt raped by Deliverance characters certainly count!!

Here Come the Judge said...

First half total points isn't a prop bet as such.

The Iceman said...
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The Iceman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.