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| I'm back, crackers. |
Saturday's games - Woof, those were two big turd piles. How do I know this? The two leading scorers for the night were Shayne Graham and John Kuhn. Coon! I'm glad that both games sucked since I was in and out with them while living large on a party bus for Big Strut's 30th birfday. Did it mean spending some quality time with Dut? It did, but it was minimal which was huge.
Prime - Your insight on Chip Kelly is SHIT. He made you look like an ASSHOLE. With Buffalo hiring Syracuse's coach (LOLZ!), Chipper is down to Philly and Cleveland--definitely not going back to Eugene. Both are loser franchises with loser fans so it just remains to be seen if he picks the NFC version of the Browns or the AFC version of the Eagles. He's going to pick the Browns.
Browns fans - When news broke on Friday night that Kelly was close to a done deal with Cleveland, I was curious to see what the reaction would be. It was as I expected: dejected and hate-filled. This makes total sense. These morons think that Kelly is going to run the Oregon offense in the pros which he most definitely is not going to do. He runs it now because no one can stop it and they do it well. Chip Kelly is a genius and specializes in getting the ball to his best players in space. It isn't a gimmick at all. Do you want to see T-Rich be the best RB in the NFL? He will be close to the top with Kelly. GUARANTEED. This isn't a Steve Spurrier part two hire. Spurrier didn't work hard. This is much closer to Bill Walsh. You shouldn't hate this hire at all. You should LOVE it (if it comes to pass). The Cleveland Browns hired the hottest coach in the country. That NEVER happens. I realize that you all are beaten down from decades of mismanagement but Jimmy Haslam has done everything right since taking over. It's time to believe again. Chip Kelly is just another big step in the right direction. For God's sake, look at the division you play in. It's in upheaval. It is ripe for the taking! UPDATE - The Browns have reportedly dropped out of the running for Chip because of course they did. Good luck with some loser like Dirk Koetter. You guys are such losers. Way to keep striving for a C+.
Matt Schaub - Sweet touchdown pass to Leon Hall, BRAH! This guy sucks. Houston loses that game 9 times out of 10 for settling for four field goals. You just can't do that in the playoffs. Fortunately for them, the Bengals are awful.
Jay Gruden - I have no idea how or why this guy is getting looks for a head coaching gig. His play-calling was MUNG yesterday. How about you try another screen pass for -5 yards, jerk. You see AJ Green over there? He's the only playmaker that you have. Why don't you just ignore him for the entire first half? I feel like now would be a good time for me to comment on how Mike Zimmer should be a head coach because it is the law that everyone has to mention this.
Pacman Jones - He should have been returning punts in the FOURF quarter. Had he been out there, you know he would have been making touchdowns rain.
Andy Dalton - This guy is a loser. I like him, but he sucks. KSK's Christmas Ape said it best about the way that Dalton closed that game:
The Texans were practically begging for an upset today. Great job not getting A.J. Green involved until the second half. Andy Dalton is awful. Way to miss an open receiver on 3rd down then check down on a 4th and 11 with the game on the line. It’s nice to have two Joe Flaccos in the AFC North.
Christian Ponder - I didn't even know that he was hurt until I saw the scroll that he was out with the dreaded BRUISED TRICEP. That is the kind of injury that has killed many men in the past. What a pussy. By the way, who picked All Day to have less than 100 yards (he had 99)? THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
Joe Webb - The line for this game was -7.5 at 6 pm. At 7:30, once Ponder was ruled out and the public was aware, it moved to GB -10.5. Joe Webb's mere presence moved that line a full 3 points in about an hour. That is unbelievable. The only other reason I could think of for a line moving that much that quickly was if the Vikings were replaced with the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles and even then it might be a stretch. Dobber has his special teams playing very well. Joe Webb is a full field goal worse than one of the worst starting QB in the league. That pretty much means that Joe Webb is the worst player in the entire NFL.
Tyrann Mathieu - OMG LOL! I hope that you all caught the Honey Badger's tearful apology on ESPN yesterday. It was the greatest. He was crying about his crippling addiction to weed which is apparently a lie that he's sticking with. I couldn't stop laughing at this shithead. Terrific stuff.
Gamesmanship! - The Colts have rode the mantra of Chuckstrong all year. The Ravens tried to get some mojo with Ray Ray's "last ride". On Sunday, the Colts fired back by injecting Bruce Arians with AIDS. I like where this is heading. I don't know who the hell this "Clyde Christensen" guy is but I do know that that is Eric Mangini.
Ray Lewis - What an asshole! I almost got chills when he ran out of the tunnel for the last time until I remembered that he should be in prison and then ate dirt(?) for whatever reason. The gift-wrapped pick that he dropped was major LULZ. I hate Ray Lewis and anyone that respects him is an awful person.
The Colts, I guess - I don't really have anything bad to say about them since everyone knew that they were frauds going into the game. Get ready to hate them though because they're about to be awesome again for the next decade.
Mike Shanahan vs. Dr. James Andrews - I give absolutely no fucks about this story that broke yesterday. All coaches are egotistical assholes. This is not breaking news. To quote Jay Catler, "DOOOOON'T CAAAAAAAAAAAARE".
I stand by that - This portion is being written after the Redskins have been eliminated. If you can play, you play. Sure, dude's knee looked awful on that awful snap by our center and that put RG3's day at a merciful end, but he should have been out there.
Dan Snyder - HEY SHIT WEASEL, GET RID OF THE GRASS. That was more embarrassing than our passing game from quarters 2 through 4.
Trent Williams - You probably shouldn't have punched Richard Sherman but Sherman is a piece of shit (insert your own racial slur) so I like the cut of your jibe. Don't fuck with The Silverback.
No regrets - This sucks. What looked like a game in which your team would get a chance to run it up on Petey quickly turned into a nightmare. I hate saying this but the better team won (even though they are HIGHLY unlikeable). Rusty outplayed Griff because he wasn't a gimp and their defense is insanely better and less sober than ours. Plus, our receivers love to drop everything. I wasn't expecting to be here this year and I'm very proud of what the Skins accomplished this year. We will be back and often. I am certain of this. You can laugh and poke fun at Big Pimpin' today and that's fine but I'm pleased with the direction of this often TERRIBLE organization. We've got a stud QB and a stud RB. I blame O Canada. They got their hockey back so they didn't need to help my Skins anymore. Fucking Canadians.
I didn't think that I would ever root for the Falcons due to their urban fans but here I am wanting them to beat Seattle by 100. Fuck it, we should just prepare now for SEA @ GB and Peyton/Brady wank-fest 2013.
33 comments:
Memo to RG III:
You have a rare and remarkable talent. Please do the following:
1. Learn to throw the ball away
2. Learn to get out of bounds
3. Learn to slide
LOLZ @ keeping gimpy RGKnee in there instead of Cousins. Cousins gave them a better shot at the W.....FACT. Now who knows what is wrong with RGKnee.
Bruce Arians should have been on this list. What type of pussy misses a playoff game with the flu, when his head coach just beat cancer.
LOLZ @ the Browns....can't even hire a coach.
--Drew
I don't know about DeMarcus's little bro giving us the best chance to win. Bruce Irvin, who definitely can't read, would have teed off on Captain Kirk.
If anything, they should have suited up the Ol' Sex Cannon who treated the 12th Man like 2 Girls, 1 Cup last year when he went up there and destroyed them. Grossman owns Carroll.
I'm not surprised at all by the Monday Morning Doctors(?) today trying to give their medical opinion on something that they aren't even remotely qualified to do. Sure, on the first zone read of the second half when RG3 gimped out of bounds, I got very nervous but he's our BRAH and you always stick with your BRAHs.
I mentioned Arians. I just assumed that Douche Irsay injected him with AIDS to fire up the troops. It worked well.
The ONLY acceptable option for the Browns now is Whisenhunt.
Chip is going back to Oregon? Looks like Phil Knight took care of those penalties that were coming. Look out for the Air Emmerts which will be hitting stores this Spring.
How did they not have artificial turf put in? That field made Heinz slop look like Augusta National and it wasn't even raining. Didn't ole Bob Kraft have turf put in in less than a week a few years ago to protect his babies?
Grump, I think that the Ravens game taught him a very valuable lesson. I don't remember him taking any unnecessary shots over the last three games. At least I hope he learned something since I want him around forever.
Good point, Jeff, they need to get that shit out of there. I'm sure that painted mud was a huge help for knee stability. Dan Snyder is a cheap dwarf.
How much of a "power move" was it having Dr. James Andrews on the sideline for that game.
Dan Snyder has definately seen the business end of a penis - but I thought that bringing the Doc to the sidelines was awesome.
Furthermore, How much over 40 tail do you think Dr. Andrews gets? Ever wonder why he never leaves Birmingham? Probably has all those former beauty queens just crawling after his junk 24/7.
G$ and Damman, how would you like to be paid for the MSFL? PayPal(Yes, please) or check(with embarrassing memo about butt sex)? The champ has been sent his winnings.
There are ligaments torn in that knee. No doubt. I thought Cousins gave the Redskins the best chance to win in the second half, but I understood sticking with your guy. But that knee was killing his throwing just as much as his mobility.
I don't know what the lines are, but I think the bye teams are going down in the NFC.
Fucking Chip Kelly. We wanted him...and he just wanted more money. Oh well. At least we won't come out like the Browns and say we didn't actually want him because we don't have 12 year olds in our front office. I guess I want McCoy or the Seattle DC at this point.
You can also be paid in soy burgers or tofu tacos.
Please hire Whisenhunt, Jimmy.
Im not even sure that those shitty snaps were all the centers fault - that field was atrocious.
The first 3 games this past weekend were BRUTAL.
I wouldnt exactly say that was a punch - more like an open handed pussy smack. But wow, how hateable is Richard Sherman??
LOLZ at Ohio State basketball. They are NOT good at all.
Seal
Seal, I was hoping to give that a full day post coming up but why would I constrict the h8rz from laughing at that terrible product.
Ape, PayPal is fine.
Dawg, I think that Dr. James has been on the sidelines for the last few years for every game. He is our Terry Holman (a reference that you won't get at all but just know it is a good one). He probably borrows porn from FagNasty, too.
lolz "Doc" Terry Holman.
"Tyrann Mathieu - OMG LOL!"
There isn't enough attention being paid to this. GOD DAMMIT, was this fucking hilarious. Mathieu gave a breath taking performance in that HILARIOUS interview. What a fuckin scab. He didn't need to embarrass himself on national TV like that. Dude was getting drafted anyway. But I needed him to embarrass himself like that. Made my day better 100%!
"Dan Snyder has definately seen the business end of a penis"
I can't stop LOLing at this. Well done.
Chip Kelly wasn't the right move because there IS NO right move for this team. We'll find a way to fuck it up in the end. But still...Brandon Weeden running the spread option would have been fucking choice.
My Chip info about him wanting the Chefs job was not good because Chip loves to troll the media as well as NFL teams that are interested in him. Upon deciding to go back to Oregon, Chip sent me a text that simply said, "Fuck you, n-word." He used the real n-word because he gives no fucks.
Ace- thank you for the payment!
RG3's knee is such a problem, but NFL players can't win. I believe Cutler hurt a similar ligament in the NFC title game when doctors pulled him. He was a pussy. Now RG3 tries to play through it and everyone questions the decision. Hindsight is a powerful tool in the media, I guess, but that is stupid as fuck. The Coon > Captain Hindsight
I was talking shit last week and picked the Seahawks to win, but I'm not happy about the result. Petey's crew is very unlikable. I do not enjoy watching those smug dickwads win. Other than that, the playoffs have sucked so far.
They really are. People like Petey King and Simmons have made Rusty Wilson a villain because they can't stop slurping at his jizz fountain. Golden Tate is a fuck. Pete Carroll is the worst. And that secondary is filled with cocksuckers. Needless to say, and they're going to end up beating ATL, go Niners or Packers.
You're right again that these guys can't win. Everyone hates the climate today in which people get participation ribbons for everything and everyone is a pussy but when a guy tries to gut it out, OMG CALL THE FBI!
If he ends up needing surgery, Jimmy Andrews will take care of him. I'm not worried about it. LOL at the people who say things like "they put his career in jeopardy". It's 2013, that isn't the case anymore, shit sippers.
Chip would have been a perfect divisional foe for Johnny BRAH.
Is there anything worse than the Seahawkds DB's? Those guys are the most hateable group of NFL'ers since James Harrison.
I don't disagree with playing RGTHREE to start. But on that zone read where be peg legged it straight out of bounds, that's a pretty big c'monnnn maaaaaaaaaan. This aint that MAC where Byron and Big Ben can fake injuries to 'tough' it out. He's a cornball brotha for gods sake.
Agree with all your other points, I only saw an hour of the Saturday games and had no regrets.
Great Doc reference. Guy was a master of the play clock stop watch.
- J Saul
G$ - couldnt agree more with your Simmons comment. He has made me HATE the Seahawks (their players help in this realm too) and root against Rusty every week. Its disgusting how much he blows Wilson on a weekly basis.
Seal
I will never hate Rusty Wilson. He has a white wife for Christ sake! I know that moves him up a few notches in Ide's book.
The only career threatening injuries anymore are concussions and being bent backwards in half like Johnny Knox. Knee injuries being devistating or career ending are a thing of the past. As long as you are white (harder working) or AP (not human) then you'll be just fine.
I like the Seahawks, not totally sure why. I love me some BEAST MODE and I think the fact that their corners are fucking freaks plus Rusty outweigh my hatred of Petey and Golden. But I don't hate colored folk.
That Browns coaching debacle was the most Browns thing EVER! I was on the fence about the hire but was excited that they pulled in the hottest coach in the country. THUD!! Welcome to Cleveland, Jimmy. Get used to being shat upon and I hope you don't value your hopes, dreams and general well being. What a fucking joke. If we don't end up with a proven coach (Lovie, Wisenhunt, Arians) I'm going to flip the fuck out.
Don't worry, Brady, the Browns plan on interviewing Montreal Allouettes coach, Marc Trestman, which would go down as the most hilarious coaching hire of all time if it happens.
Did you know that SEPARATION IS PREPARATION? I didn't until I was told about Rusty's mantra 5 million times yesterday.
Question: Is Rusty the new Tenor? I swear that the media loves this YOUNG SCRAPPER UNDERDOG way more than they do the other two rookie QB combined (plus the talented Brandon Weeden, of course).
I like BEEF MOE, too, but it's only because he likes to run over heavy set Buffalo women with his SUV.
Anyone want to talk about Downton Abbey? Didn't think so but I'm proudly admitting that that show is terrific.
Anyone giving the Irish a chance tonight? I like Bama 16-13.
If ND breaks 10 points I will be shocked. SHOCKED! 31-9 Bama.
By G$ standards, Rusty Wilson is ROY.....only rookie QB to move his team on to the next round
- J Saul
G$ and Iceman....microfracture surgery is still a career changer in most instances.
Bama 20
ND 13
--Drew
Rusty is a real QB, Tenor is not. Gotta love a QB who hustles down field to block for his running back.
They said RGIII originally had a knee sprain. If that is true then he may have just re-sprained it. You're right, everybody in the media is suddenly an orthopedist this morning.
Well, I am finally back from vacation, and can actually comment on this shit board with some continued regularity. That said, Iceman basically wrote my post for me this morning.
I don't really like Beast Mode, but since I drafted him out of force this year and he won me a title by actually living up to his name, I still hate him.
You know, I didn't really buy into this whole Browns getting Chip thing. It literally seemed like after the visit everyone wanted it and screamed it from the mountain tops. Yet, the entire time, Chip had said he would visit more than one team and there was no sure announcements, so when it fell through the cracks, I wasn't surprised. Still, fuck Chip Kelly.
Ide
Drew, true dat with the microfracture but that doesn't seem to be happening anywhere but basketball courts and Grady Sizemore's fag hut.
JSaul, don't you try and troll me. Rusty has been very good but it must be nice to have a top 4 defense on your side.
Grump, don't mention that. You know that assholes like Berman were eating that up.
I read on CFN this morning that "if Tommy Rees sees the field, ND is in a lot of trouble" and I LOL'ed because Rees is awful.
"Rusty has been very good but it must be nice to have a top 4 defense on your side."
Which was the foundation of my "Roethlisberger is not ELITE" argument. Thank you for finally agreeing with me. Took you long enough but I knew you would come around.
-Does anyone else think that Tommy Rees is a dead ringer for a doe about to get run down by a truck? I seriously think he and Colt are bro's seperated at birth.
-I'm not sure what my reaction would be if the Browns hired a coach from the great white north. I might find the highest clock tower in Berea and see where the day took me.
-I want to see Garcon and Browner in a legit street fight. That was the most entertaining thing about the game after RGknee went all limp-leg on everybody.
Ice, that's an extreme reach. You could say that after title 1, not the second one. Gray Dick has proven to be a legitimate ELITE QB.
G$, I know you touched on it, but you couldn't possibly want him to stay in the game after that hobbled run. He looked extremely vulnerable and unproductive. I would venture to guess all the 'wrong turning' on play actions were due to his focus on his knee instead of on the play at hand.....because that corn ball brotha aint been that dumb all season long...
- J Saul
Deep down I was hoping that it was all an act to fool them and--KABLAMMO--untouched on an 80 yard TD run that would have blown up our piece of shit stadium. That idea sounded a lot better in my head.
You've really got to hand it to our wooden injury shed though. That thing got a ton of airtime yesterday. God bless that shed.
I imagine a creepy old Joe Theisman lives in that shed.
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