|I'm back, crackers.|
Saturday's games - Woof, those were two big turd piles. How do I know this? The two leading scorers for the night were Shayne Graham and John Kuhn. Coon! I'm glad that both games sucked since I was in and out with them while living large on a party bus for Big Strut's 30th birfday. Did it mean spending some quality time with Dut? It did, but it was minimal which was huge.
Prime - Your insight on Chip Kelly is SHIT. He made you look like an ASSHOLE. With Buffalo hiring Syracuse's coach (LOLZ!), Chipper is down to Philly and Cleveland--definitely not going back to Eugene. Both are loser franchises with loser fans so it just remains to be seen if he picks the NFC version of the Browns or the AFC version of the Eagles. He's going to pick the Browns.
Browns fans - When news broke on Friday night that Kelly was close to a done deal with Cleveland, I was curious to see what the reaction would be. It was as I expected: dejected and hate-filled. This makes total sense. These morons think that Kelly is going to run the Oregon offense in the pros which he most definitely is not going to do. He runs it now because no one can stop it and they do it well. Chip Kelly is a genius and specializes in getting the ball to his best players in space. It isn't a gimmick at all. Do you want to see T-Rich be the best RB in the NFL? He will be close to the top with Kelly. GUARANTEED. This isn't a Steve Spurrier part two hire. Spurrier didn't work hard. This is much closer to Bill Walsh. You shouldn't hate this hire at all. You should LOVE it (if it comes to pass). The Cleveland Browns hired the hottest coach in the country. That NEVER happens. I realize that you all are beaten down from decades of mismanagement but Jimmy Haslam has done everything right since taking over. It's time to believe again. Chip Kelly is just another big step in the right direction. For God's sake, look at the division you play in. It's in upheaval. It is ripe for the taking! UPDATE - The Browns have reportedly dropped out of the running for Chip because of course they did. Good luck with some loser like Dirk Koetter. You guys are such losers. Way to keep striving for a C+.
Matt Schaub - Sweet touchdown pass to Leon Hall, BRAH! This guy sucks. Houston loses that game 9 times out of 10 for settling for four field goals. You just can't do that in the playoffs. Fortunately for them, the Bengals are awful.
Jay Gruden - I have no idea how or why this guy is getting looks for a head coaching gig. His play-calling was MUNG yesterday. How about you try another screen pass for -5 yards, jerk. You see AJ Green over there? He's the only playmaker that you have. Why don't you just ignore him for the entire first half? I feel like now would be a good time for me to comment on how Mike Zimmer should be a head coach because it is the law that everyone has to mention this.
Pacman Jones - He should have been returning punts in the FOURF quarter. Had he been out there, you know he would have been making touchdowns rain.
Andy Dalton - This guy is a loser. I like him, but he sucks. KSK's Christmas Ape said it best about the way that Dalton closed that game:
The Texans were practically begging for an upset today. Great job not getting A.J. Green involved until the second half. Andy Dalton is awful. Way to miss an open receiver on 3rd down then check down on a 4th and 11 with the game on the line. It’s nice to have two Joe Flaccos in the AFC North.
Christian Ponder - I didn't even know that he was hurt until I saw the scroll that he was out with the dreaded BRUISED TRICEP. That is the kind of injury that has killed many men in the past. What a pussy. By the way, who picked All Day to have less than 100 yards (he had 99)? THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
Joe Webb - The line for this game was -7.5 at 6 pm. At 7:30, once Ponder was ruled out and the public was aware, it moved to GB -10.5. Joe Webb's mere presence moved that line a full 3 points in about an hour. That is unbelievable. The only other reason I could think of for a line moving that much that quickly was if the Vikings were replaced with the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles and even then it might be a stretch. Dobber has his special teams playing very well. Joe Webb is a full field goal worse than one of the worst starting QB in the league. That pretty much means that Joe Webb is the worst player in the entire NFL.
Tyrann Mathieu - OMG LOL! I hope that you all caught the Honey Badger's tearful apology on ESPN yesterday. It was the greatest. He was crying about his crippling addiction to weed which is apparently a lie that he's sticking with. I couldn't stop laughing at this shithead. Terrific stuff.
Gamesmanship! - The Colts have rode the mantra of Chuckstrong all year. The Ravens tried to get some mojo with Ray Ray's "last ride". On Sunday, the Colts fired back by injecting Bruce Arians with AIDS. I like where this is heading. I don't know who the hell this "Clyde Christensen" guy is but I do know that that is Eric Mangini.
Ray Lewis - What an asshole! I almost got chills when he ran out of the tunnel for the last time until I remembered that he should be in prison and then ate dirt(?) for whatever reason. The gift-wrapped pick that he dropped was major LULZ. I hate Ray Lewis and anyone that respects him is an awful person.
The Colts, I guess - I don't really have anything bad to say about them since everyone knew that they were frauds going into the game. Get ready to hate them though because they're about to be awesome again for the next decade.
Mike Shanahan vs. Dr. James Andrews - I give absolutely no fucks about this story that broke yesterday. All coaches are egotistical assholes. This is not breaking news. To quote Jay Catler, "DOOOOON'T CAAAAAAAAAAAARE".
I stand by that - This portion is being written after the Redskins have been eliminated. If you can play, you play. Sure, dude's knee looked awful on that awful snap by our center and that put RG3's day at a merciful end, but he should have been out there.
Dan Snyder - HEY SHIT WEASEL, GET RID OF THE GRASS. That was more embarrassing than our passing game from quarters 2 through 4.
Trent Williams - You probably shouldn't have punched Richard Sherman but Sherman is a piece of shit (insert your own racial slur) so I like the cut of your jibe. Don't fuck with The Silverback.
No regrets - This sucks. What looked like a game in which your team would get a chance to run it up on Petey quickly turned into a nightmare. I hate saying this but the better team won (even though they are HIGHLY unlikeable). Rusty outplayed Griff because he wasn't a gimp and their defense is insanely better and less sober than ours. Plus, our receivers love to drop everything. I wasn't expecting to be here this year and I'm very proud of what the Skins accomplished this year. We will be back and often. I am certain of this. You can laugh and poke fun at Big Pimpin' today and that's fine but I'm pleased with the direction of this often TERRIBLE organization. We've got a stud QB and a stud RB. I blame O Canada. They got their hockey back so they didn't need to help my Skins anymore. Fucking Canadians.
I didn't think that I would ever root for the Falcons due to their urban fans but here I am wanting them to beat Seattle by 100. Fuck it, we should just prepare now for SEA @ GB and Peyton/Brady wank-fest 2013.