For as God awful as the NFL was during the Wild Card Round (and it was), those memories were quickly skull-fucked out of our mind grapes with Denver and Baltimore putting on the game of the year. Goddamn, that was great wasn't it? As I said on Facebook, I was rooting for Baltimore which was strange and I felt dirty but it was necessary because...
Peyton Manning - LOLOLOLOLOL I told you that Eli was better! Would Eli have Favre'd a back-breaking pick in overtime or get way outplayed by Joey Flacks? NO HE WOULD NOT. We forgot about how awesome it was when Peyton constantly chokes in the playoffs due to his season long sabbatical from neckAIDS last year. I didn't. I remember how glorious those piss-aways were. Dude is now 9-11 in the playoffs. That is AWFUL. And most of those 11 losses are at home when heavily favored. This has always been the reason why I feel like Eli is better. I would rather have a guy that can be counted on to be clutch in the playoffs than a guy who will get me the one seed and then choke. He does this EVERY year (but once). Eli is better. I am right. DEAL WITH IT, FALLOPIAN TUBES. Also: Tim Tebow won a playoff game with Denver. Remember that?
Champ Bailey - After getting torched by Torrey Smiff all day, I can now comfortably say that the Skins FINALLY won the Portis/Champ trade from 8 years ago! Champ got clowned.
Raheem Moore - Not to be confused with Buke's "my black buddy Rasheem", but that was some ELITE terrible safety play on the Jacoby Jones hail mary. Unfortunately, this dude is going to take a huge amount of blame for the Denver loss when it should be directed at Pey Pey who only led his offense to three scoring drives while unleashing three crucial turnovers. By the way, it's fun to make fun of Joe Flacco for self-proclaiming himself as ELITE, but when he is on he is REALLY good. He just isn't on very often. He was on Saturday and was the best QB on the field. So I give him some props which Flacks doesn't get a lot of.
Johnny BRAH - A guy who built his resume on special teams was quite shitty with his special teams play, no?
Bill Vinovich and Crew - This game was almost ruined by constant terrible calls. Eventually, we're going to have the technology that allows Jerome Booger to ref every game. WE MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN! FAWWW STAR on the AWWWWFENS. FI YAWD PINALLY, FOURF DOWN.
Ray Lewis - Yeah, asshole, it was God's will. You're such a cock face. Remember those two Ohioans that you helped murder? You're going to go to Hell for that. I just want to say that I picked Baltimore to win this game because I am a fucking genius.
Dom Capers - This might be the first time that I call out a DC, but here we are. Aikman nailed it when he kept questioning why the Packers continued to play man coverage and blitz. It was entirely ineffective and allowed The Criminal to gash them. He didn't change at all. What's the point of having a slow LB spy when he can't run? That was an absolutely terrible game plan.
Mike McCarthy - I'm starting to think that this guy being a Super Bowl winning coach is a total sham and a fluke.
Jeremy Ross - The Packers lost this game when he MUFFed that punt. In fact, Greggggg Easterbrook probably write "GAME OVER" in his notebook of Doom after that botch. I can tell you one thing: Jeremy Rose would not have fumbled. Two ROOOOOOOSE references over the last few weeks!
Clay Matthews - For those that think that the zone read is a fad that will eventually die, think again. It isn't going anywhere as long as it continues to embarrass DEs everywhere. Steroids Boy had no idea what he was doing. It was TOTES LOLZ.
Colin Kaepernick - I just don't like this guy. His facial hair is probably the reason. I just couldn't get into this game. I was spent from the Peyton Choke. The Niners looked really, really good. It even appears that Mikey Crabtree might be an ELITE receiver. Go Home, Pack, Go Home!
The National Anthem - Not really but it should be noted that before the Atlanta/Seattle game, the Tim Tebow cover band "The Tenors" sang it. They are invited to Ribfest forever.
Matt Ryan - Jesus Christ, you had your first playoff game easily in hand so much that one of the McCown BRAHs was planning on getting a few snaps and then you launch a terrible pick and it's classic Falcons chokeyness all over again. My God, these guys are SO lucky. They did what they always do by not closing and blowing a 20 point FOURF quarter lead but these are not your typical Falcons. Oh who are we kidding, these are EXACTLY the same Falcons that you know from recent past.
Petey Carroll - I'm a big fan of people questioning horrible coaching decisions from this guy and they are well deserved. Giving an old Penn State QB/rape victim a 4th down carry and having the clock run out in the first half are exactly the kinds of things I like seeing from my Petey C. YOU'RE GAY!
Richard Sherman - I H8 this guy so much. His "you crazy" gesture was icing on his douche cake. After getting burned by Hot Roddy, it would have been fitting for some random Falcon to give him repeated self-inflicted knife edge chops to the heart which is the universal sign in middle schools of "you a tard".
Rusty Dubs - I am trademarking this nickname. THIS IS MINE and will be his name from this day forward. I'll give him credit: he is nearly unkillable. He is apparently the hardest person to beat in the history of football. I am so glad that Seattle lost and I look forward to years and years of rooting against these shits. GET FUCKED SEAHAWKS!
Matt Schaub - Matt Schaub is ass. I'd rather have Charles Matt Dille (ELITE reference!). At some point next year, someone like Mike Golic will say that Schaub is a great QB. You are allowed to punch that person in the gash.
DeVier Posey - He scored a touchdown! It's probably for the best that they lost since they already have to vacate last week's win over the Bengals because of DeVier's off-field chicanery. Once a Fuckeye, always a Fuckeye.
A crappy end to a great weekend - I admit that I wasn't following the late game yesterday all that closely. After walking the dog in the rain and making the greatest white chicken chili of all time, I was busy. But I think that we are in store for a couple of great games next weekend. SF/ATL could be a lot of fun and RAY'S LAST RIDE continues for one more week. Either way, I have a feeling that we might be hearing more from The BRAHs over the next couple of weeks and that is always pleasant.
In closing, Peyton Manning sucks dingers and I was wrong about Ohio State basketball getting crushed by Michigan. I've been wrong before. I will continue to be. Clearly, they took pointers from RedHawk basketball the night before who also blew a 20 point lead only to hang on and win. I apologize for nothing because I am still leading the nation in greatness. No Fuckeye could ever be creative enough to invent "Rusty Dubs". Win.