Monday, January 14, 2013

The Worst of the Divisional Round Vol.VI

"LIT-TLE BRO-THER!"
Don't you worry your ugly little faces--I've got plenty of gloating to do today regarding the great Manning Bro debate that we constantly do here.  But FIRST...I have been told that this dark corner of the internet is now on Twitter.  I don't know what the handle is or how it even works or if it will improve traffic at all so I'll leave the promotion of the site to you guys.  Someone was saying that a Comment of the Day should be Tweeted daily and that sounds like a decent idea.  Mr. Ace started it up but it's up to all of you to help give us some much needed publicity.  Now that we are on Twitter, I expect us to be just as big as Deadspin by the end of the week.  The pressure is on, queers, but seriously, someone drop the handle in the comments.  hashtag ELITETWEET

For as God awful as the NFL was during the Wild Card Round (and it was), those memories were quickly skull-fucked out of our mind grapes with Denver and Baltimore putting on the game of the year.  Goddamn, that was great wasn't it?  As I said on Facebook, I was rooting for Baltimore which was strange and I felt dirty but it was necessary because...

Peyton Manning - LOLOLOLOLOL I told you that Eli was better!  Would Eli have Favre'd a back-breaking pick in overtime or get way outplayed by Joey Flacks?  NO HE WOULD NOT.  We forgot about how awesome it was when Peyton constantly chokes in the playoffs due to his season long sabbatical from neckAIDS last year.  I didn't.  I remember how glorious those piss-aways were.  Dude is now 9-11 in the playoffs.  That is AWFUL.  And most of those 11 losses are at home when heavily favored.  This has always been the reason why I feel like Eli is better.  I would rather have a guy that can be counted on to be clutch in the playoffs than a guy who will get me the one seed and then choke.  He does this EVERY year (but once).  Eli is better.  I am right.  DEAL WITH IT, FALLOPIAN TUBES.  Also: Tim Tebow won a playoff game with Denver.  Remember that?

Champ Bailey - After getting torched by Torrey Smiff all day, I can now comfortably say that the Skins FINALLY won the Portis/Champ trade from 8 years ago!  Champ got clowned.

Raheem Moore - Not to be confused with Buke's "my black buddy Rasheem", but that was some ELITE terrible safety play on the Jacoby Jones hail mary.  Unfortunately, this dude is going to take a huge amount of blame for the Denver loss when it should be directed at Pey Pey who only led his offense to three scoring drives while unleashing three crucial turnovers.  By the way, it's fun to make fun of Joe Flacco for self-proclaiming himself as ELITE, but when he is on he is REALLY good.  He just isn't on very often.  He was on Saturday and was the best QB on the field.  So I give him some props which Flacks doesn't get a lot of.

Johnny BRAH - A guy who built his resume on special teams was quite shitty with his special teams play, no?

Bill Vinovich and Crew - This game was almost ruined by constant terrible calls.  Eventually, we're going to have the technology that allows Jerome Booger to ref every game.  WE MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN!  FAWWW STAR on the AWWWWFENS.  FI YAWD PINALLY, FOURF DOWN.

Ray Lewis - Yeah, asshole, it was God's will.  You're such a cock face.  Remember those two Ohioans that you helped murder?  You're going to go to Hell for that.  I just want to say that I picked Baltimore to win this game because I am a fucking genius.

Dom Capers - This might be the first time that I call out a DC, but here we are.  Aikman nailed it when he kept questioning why the Packers continued to play man coverage and blitz.  It was entirely ineffective and allowed The Criminal to gash them.  He didn't change at all.  What's the point of having a slow LB spy when he can't run?  That was an absolutely terrible game plan.

Mike McCarthy - I'm starting to think that this guy being a Super Bowl winning coach is a total sham and a fluke.

Jeremy Ross - The Packers lost this game when he MUFFed that punt.  In fact, Greggggg Easterbrook probably write "GAME OVER" in his notebook of Doom after that botch.  I can tell you one thing: Jeremy Rose would not have fumbled.  Two ROOOOOOOSE references over the last few weeks!

Clay Matthews - For those that think that the zone read is a fad that will eventually die, think again.  It isn't going anywhere as long as it continues to embarrass DEs everywhere.  Steroids Boy had no idea what he was doing.  It was TOTES LOLZ.

Colin Kaepernick - I just don't like this guy.  His facial hair is probably the reason.  I just couldn't get into this game.  I was spent from the Peyton Choke.  The Niners looked really, really good.  It even appears that Mikey Crabtree might be an ELITE receiver.  Go Home, Pack, Go Home!

The National Anthem - Not really but it should be noted that before the Atlanta/Seattle game, the Tim Tebow cover band "The Tenors" sang it.  They are invited to Ribfest forever.

Matt Ryan - Jesus Christ, you had your first playoff game easily in hand so much that one of the McCown BRAHs was planning on getting a few snaps and then you launch a terrible pick and it's classic Falcons chokeyness all over again.  My God, these guys are SO lucky.  They did what they always do by not closing and blowing a 20 point FOURF quarter lead but these are not your typical Falcons.  Oh who are we kidding, these are EXACTLY the same Falcons that you know from recent past.

Petey Carroll - I'm a big fan of people questioning horrible coaching decisions from this guy and they are well deserved.  Giving an old Penn State QB/rape victim a 4th down carry and having the clock run out in the first half are exactly the kinds of things I like seeing from my Petey C.  YOU'RE GAY!

Richard Sherman - I H8 this guy so much.  His "you crazy" gesture was icing on his douche cake.  After getting burned by Hot Roddy, it would have been fitting for some random Falcon to give him repeated self-inflicted knife edge chops to the heart which is the universal sign in middle schools of "you a tard".

Rusty Dubs - I am trademarking this nickname.  THIS IS MINE and will be his name from this day forward.  I'll give him credit: he is nearly unkillable.  He is apparently the hardest person to beat in the history of football.  I am so glad that Seattle lost and I look forward to years and years of rooting against these shits.  GET FUCKED SEAHAWKS!

Matt Schaub - Matt Schaub is ass.  I'd rather have Charles Matt Dille (ELITE reference!).  At some point next year, someone like Mike Golic will say that Schaub is a great QB.  You are allowed to punch that person in the gash.

DeVier Posey - He scored a touchdown!  It's probably for the best that they lost since they already have to vacate last week's win over the Bengals because of DeVier's off-field chicanery.  Once a Fuckeye, always a Fuckeye.

A crappy end to a great weekend - I admit that I wasn't following the late game yesterday all that closely.  After walking the dog in the rain and making the greatest white chicken chili of all time, I was busy.  But I think that we are in store for a couple of great games next weekend.  SF/ATL could be a lot of fun and RAY'S LAST RIDE continues for one more week.  Either way, I have a feeling that we might be hearing more from The BRAHs over the next couple of weeks and that is always pleasant.

In closing, Peyton Manning sucks dingers and I was wrong about Ohio State basketball getting crushed by Michigan.  I've been wrong before.  I will continue to be.  Clearly, they took pointers from RedHawk basketball the night before who also blew a 20 point lead only to hang on and win.  I apologize for nothing because I am still leading the nation in greatness.  No Fuckeye could ever be creative enough to invent "Rusty Dubs".  Win.

31 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Twitter handle is The_Money_Shot_

We have at least 20 followers, night way Deadspin has more than that. Rob Parker was also offered a small forward position on the Mississippi Sambos #nocornballs. We asked Marlon Wayans why no white people were tweeting about his movie, and assumed it was because they were seeing Django again. We also made fun of Michael J Fox's ability to clap...it was an Ide moment. Solid start so far.

Grumpy said...

@The_Money_Shot. #Aceisagenius

If there is a God, Ray Ray will not win another Super Bowl. Five children by four women. ELITE!

Flacco did what he always does; chuck and duck and hope for a PI call or a miracle. His receivers and terrible play by the safety bailed him out. He still sucks.

I like Kaepernick. Did you see him having Matthews doing 360's. Dude didn't know where the ball was.

Anonymous said...

I am rooting for a Baltimore/Atlanta Super Bowl. I am pretty much rooting for the worst super bowl ever.

Everybody can suck a big dick due to the Buckeyes win over those fools yesterday. I'm happy that G$ lost money. I really hope Dut lost his house and Slow Seal can go fuck himself, since UK can't beat a team like that. Hot damn that game was fun to be at. Dicks...suck them...almost all of you.

Mr. Ace said...

Also retweeted by the PBA Tour for giving them props on pairing bowling and Busta Rhymes. I can die happy now.

One of Drew's friends is following and he tweets and retweets Deshaun Thomas. Pretty creepy. I'm sure Drew does the same.

Dut was talking about the Manning debate on Saturday night. I'm sure he is happy to see your gloating today.

Pete Carroll is an asshat.

The twitter handle is @The_Money_Shot_ don't forget the _ on the end or else you will get spammed by gay porn(I assume).

GMoney said...

Oooooh, the hidden underscore at the end defines UNDERRATED.

It's pretty easy to win that debate when one guy wins playoff games like whoa and the other is constantly terrible. Fantasy football titles are great and important, but they don't get you the biggest juicebox at Olivia and Archie's house.

I don't like him either, Grump, but he was very good on Saturday. Joey Flacks that is.

A BAL/ATL Super Bowl in NOLA would be the blackest event this country has seen since the Million Man March. I'm still rooting for NE/ATL since that would prove how smart I am.

Jeff said...

Here's to hoping the NFC wins the Superbowl. I wish the ravens and pats could both lose next week.

Big win for the bucks, I'll leave it at that. It's January, but a loss could've sent this season spiraling out of control.

I wonder how long it will take for Knightsec to be following on twitter and ruining our lives.

MUDawgfan said...

Baltimore/Atlanta Superbowl - "Can the Falcons finish what the Fulton County Prosecutor couldn't?"

Anonymous said...

I believe i went 7-1 in my picks this weekend - #iambetterthanyou.

I would have added the Atlanta kicker to this list - what the fuck are you doing kicking an onsides kick with 20 seconds left? Petey almost got another gift.

I would rather go eat terrible Veagan food at that gay restuarant with Ace than watch Ray Lewis win anything. He is the fucking worst.

Tom Brady is fucking good. As much as I hate the city of Boston and their fans, I will never root for Ray Lewis to get to the Super Bowl. Go Pats!

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

It's Vegan. Even Ray Lewis knows that.

Ice Man said...

I knew Sunday would happen. When it comes down to it, Ohio is a good team, they were at home, it was a must win game for them and they had a chance to keep Michigan from being #1 in the country. It just made too much sense.

Having said that...I'm not too pissed that it happened. That Michigan team was getting a little too cock strong for their own good and this is just the thing that needed to happend to remind them they aren't untouchable. It sucks because it was the Fuckeyes that beat them, but at the same time they needed a loss like this.

David Tyree and Mario Manningham are the reasons why Eli has two rings. Dispute those facts, you cannot.

Prime99 said...

Watching the fudge-packers get deficated on never gets old. It was my pleasure to root against them.

Peyton choked HARD. His post game forehead indentation was probably at an all time slant Saturday.

LOLZ at MUDawg's comment. I hope so!

Ace is doing a great job spreading Michigan propaganda on the Money Shot's twitter handle. It needs G$'s participation to earn the blue celebrity verification mark. Otherwise, good start.

Anonymous said...

I re-read the osu post from last week and LOL'd the whole time. You're dumb. That's what happens when you over react to one game in a long season.

Eli manning didn't even make the playoffs this season. Peyton did. You're dumb again.

With your logic, rg3 is the worst qb in the league. Dude's knee can't handle the pressure of the playoffs. He is 0-1 in the playoffs. Colin karpernick is 1-0. Obviously Colin>rg3.

Osu also landed the #1 recruit out of Michigan in 2014 yesterday. Not a bad Sunday afternoon for osu fans. The meltdown from Walmart wolverines on Facebook yesterday was tremendous.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Dut...he's the #2 recruit in Michigan...but, he's straight from their pipeline school which makes it extra sweet. Huge land for Urban.

It must really suck for Michigan fans that the Buckeyes were their first loss.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You pro-Fetushead people are just adorbs.

Would you rather have a QB who makes the playoffs every other year at worst and wins Super Bowls or a QB that gets a bye every year and pisses all over you? Exactly. Team Eli is the only answer. Who is the ONLY QB in the league that owns Brady and Belichick by the way???

Seal, yes, that 10 yard squib kick was something that only the Falcons would do.

I'm wrong all the time (except for the Manning debate). How many times do I have to say this?

David Tyree and Mario Manningham are the reasons why Eli has two rings
This is the dumbest thing ever written here. He doesn't deserve to use the name Rusty Dubs.

Dut makes zero sense. He never has. Keep reaching for that rainbow.

Anonymous said...

It does suck royal balls that OSU was our first loss. I haven't wanted to throw my remote through the TV during a regular season NCAA game since....ever. They hadn't played anyone since NC State and it showed Sunday. I don't watch all of OSU's games and know they play hard D, but it was as stellar as I've ever seen it.

Dut can confirm though k we lost the 'blown call' stat 5-1. Even though most of you will tear that to shreds.

This is all due to the G$ jinx...at least I called that one!

- J Saul

GMoney said...

I give the Fucks credit for not storming the floor. The wife said that they would and I defended your honor that you aren't that awful. Well done?

You managed to get UM to play ugly ball which is the only style that you can play these days so good job with that. Maybe next time the Wolves will avoid numerous pass-less possessions that result in a horrible three point attempt.

Team ELIte.

Brady said...

I can't believe there isn't more being made of the Broncos kneeling on the ball at the end of regulation with 31 seconds and TWO timeouts. WTF? You have Peyton Manning, the whole field to work with because of said timeouts and only needed 40-45 yards for a legit FG chance. If that were the Browns, I would have to be talked off a ledge right now (LOL at Browns hypothetical Browns playoff game).

Anonymous said...

I like how you made that conversation seem legitimate. Good to know that sports conversations with She$ are just terrible, but it's fun imagining that G$ enthusiastically engages any level of sports talk in the household. Talking Redskins football with his beagle must get lonely.

Pey Pey won me a G$FL title. This cannot go unnoticed. Eli did not, so in fact, Peyton > Eli. No one can dispute this.

I couldn't bring myself to watch the Pats game last night, and I am glad that I didn't. Although, watching Gronk break his arm again sounded like good theater. I have never had him on a fantasy team, so I have zero issue rooting against his health and well being. (quote of the day)

I am actually more excited to see the NFC championship game more than I am to see any outcome of what the Superbowl will be. Honestly, and sadly, the only team that would have made the Superbowl a great watch would've been the Broncos. I would enjoy seeing the Pats go and get anally raped, because that narrative is TOTES more pleasing than the dynasty one they were working on a decade ago. The Falcons will fuck something up, and can't be trusted, so fuck them. As much as I hate the HarBRAHS, go 49ers?

Ide

GMoney said...

Eli would have never taken a knee because he isn't used to being on his knees like that cocksucker Peyton. That was plenty of time for Weeden as well.

Prime99 said...

"Eli would have never taken a knee because he isn't used to being on his knees like that cocksucker Peyton. That was plenty of time for Weeden as well."

Now there is the comment of the day!

I guess I'd prefer the Niners to win but that will make SF Giants fans even MORE annoying to be around!

GMoney said...

I plan on making my name well known on Twitter simply by winning Comment of the Day forever.

Looks like I've silenced all the Peytards. It was dumb of you to challenge me in the first place.

Brady said...

Those are some crazy numbers the BAL/DEN game put up. 20.1!! Like G$ said, it was hard to get up for the second game after the early one. That fucker lasted over 4 hours. Although, it did allow me to get good and drunk by 8 on Saturday.

Completely unrelated but my friend brought over his new breathalyzer additon for his iPhone. You just plug that fucker in and hilarity ensues. There were 8 people trying to out-blow (gay!!) eachother. I topped out at a .22 at the end of the night. It was good wholesome fun for the whole family. I need to get one for the android.

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