|Hey slut, you're not going to like where these end up.|
G$: I understand why you're doing what you're doing, but it's hard not to take this as a demotion that I don't deserve.
Boss: Well, three years ago we had to shut down the office in Cincinnati and had to let that staff go so at least you still have your job.
SHUT UP. DON'T YOU SAY THAT TO ME. I am not some dumb idiot that is going to kiss the ring because I'm still employed due to your graciousness. I don't give a shit about those people in Cincy. That happened years ago. That effects me in no ways and that is a cop out excuse. You should be fucking apologizing to me; not trying to justify this bullshit.
Needless to say, I'm working on my resume. In fact, that is my Lent promise for this year. I have to get a new job or Jesus can kill me. I made that pact with the bearded ferry. I will accept help from anyone to get this situation rectified as I look forward to telling my boss that I quit and then blaming Obama or some other tired cliche that idiots use. I'm going to stick Grumpy on this. He doesn't do anything. Find me a job, old man. I want 6 figures at a minimum, a stable of slaves, and at least four hours of uninterrupted internet time per day. If I can be Drew's boss, I would accept. Get to work.
Enough about me, let's get to talking about the teams not going to the Super Bowl (and Manti Te'o!).
Manti Te'o - Listen jerk, you had no problem talking about your GF on camera after you knew it was a prank but now that we all know about it, you need a lawyer present and no cameras? This does not compute. Good job putting this all on your asshole dad though!
Michael Crabtree - Looks like rape accusations aren't just for white oaf quarterbacks anymore! Nice fumble at the one, turd.
Typical Falcons - What the fuck? How can the same team look like the GOAT in first halves and then a goat in the second in back-to--back weeks? Makes no sense but at the same time, when you think about these guys, it makes perfect sense. They should have lost last week. The inevitable was delayed until yesterday. World keeps spinnin'.
Matt Ryan - I don't care if he got his first playoff win last week or not--dude is still a loser in my book (an ELITE book). Much like another playoff loser showed last week (Peyton), stupid turnovers down the stretch are always killer. Let's see if idiots make excuses for Matty Poop. Although his shoulder did get Kevin Bossed on that final drive.
Jimmy BRAH - Did you see that terrific tantrum he threw after his failed challenge? My God was that some great stuff. Someone didn't get a pudding cup at the team meal this morning. Just remember that if you are rooting for the Niners then you are rooting for Jim Harbaugh to be a champion. Are you ready for that? I want to believe that I am, but I know deep down that I am not.
David Akers - TERRIBLE.
DESTINY - You can't spell "SUPER BOWL" really, really incorrectly without "A-L-E-X B-O-O-N-E"! I'll be honest, I never thought that this shirtless drunk Hulk would ever make it in the league but he has so good for him. Although I think that he's buddies with commenter Daniel so fuck him.
Final Thoughts - Just a really entertaining game. The better team won. The chokier team choked. After a shaky start, the Niners offense overcame nerves and rape accusations to dominate. I'm 90% certain that San Fran wins the Super Bowl. By the way, everyone won this game in the Super Bowl Mania since it was a push. LET'S ALL MAKE OUT!
Mr. Ace - Drew sent me a text that Ape was using the blog handle to tell the world about how great it is to be vegan. I hate Ape. Stop embarrassing this fine site.
Wes Welker - I'm not sure why, but I really hate small gritty white guys. It brings me great joy to see Woodhead get decapitated and Welker drop multiple crucial passes. Fuck Whitey!
Tom Brady - It was no butt fumble, but his scramble/get tackled by the ref was major lulz. By the way, that's now three games in a row where Joe Flacco has been the best QB on the field when facing the Patriots. For as much love as I give Eli Manning, I'm starting to shift that to Flacco. That cat can play. I'm sorry but it's true.
Aqib Talib - Not only does he look exactly like Snoop Lion or whatever that cornball brotha is calling himself these days, but Talib makes a strong case for being the worst person in the league. Go ahead and look at his rap sheet. It's astounding.
Stevan Ridley - DEAD! Bernard Pollard was sent to Earth with this sole mission of killing Patriots. I love him for that. He's doing God's work!
A lovely recovery - Thank you, Raymond Rice! After another god awful gambling performance during the early game, I was saved by Rice when he was the first to score a TD at +500. I can't tell you how much I needed that. Also, Aaron Hernandez over 64.5 yards was stealing.
Final thought on this game and the day in general - Let this be known so that we don't waste our time with frauds in the future: if you play little pussy bitch finesse football, you will never win a title. You have to run the ball. You have to have a rock solid defense. If it isn't rock solid, it better have a bizarre amount of swag. Again, YOU HAVE TO RUN THE BALL. Look at who lost yesterday and who moved on...there are obvious similarities that the winners and losers both share.
OMG. WE'RE HEADED FOR THE BRAH BOWL!!!! This is going to be amazing. I decided to send J-Rupe down for the big game to be our correspondent in two weeks. When he realized that he would be covering the Brah Bowl, he replied thusly:
BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL!!! This is the best thing that ever happened to The Iceman! I can't wait. For the game and because it's going to be hilarious watching Ray Lewis wipe away all the tears and chase Kaepernick down quite poorly. My way too early prediction: fucking Ray Lewis is going to go out on top somehow and we will all hate ourselves. Also, Shannon Scott sucks and you need to find me work.