Monday, January 21, 2013

The Worst of the Conference Championships Vol.VI

Hey slut, you're not going to like where these end up.
I got demoted last week.  Boy, that's an awesome feeling.  Contrary to what you might think, I'm actually good at what I do and the numbers out of my office prove it.  But I got squeezed in a department numbers game so instead of running my own show as I have for the past 18 months (successfully), I got stuffed into a team environment with three other dudes (2 are ridiculously annoying).  I am the low man on the totem pole now, too (racist?).  It doesn't effect my pay or anything like that but I'm back to being a grunt.  That sucks.  The worst part was the conversation with my boss.  Now, I knew that what is happening now was a possibility but I didn't want to believe it.  So she told me what was going down:

G$: I understand why you're doing what you're doing, but it's hard not to take this as a demotion that I don't deserve.
Boss: Well, three years ago we had to shut down the office in Cincinnati and had to let that staff go so at least you still have your job.

SHUT UP.  DON'T YOU SAY THAT TO ME.  I am not some dumb idiot that is going to kiss the ring because I'm still employed due to your graciousness.  I don't give a shit about those people in Cincy.  That happened years ago.  That effects me in no ways and that is a cop out excuse.  You should be fucking apologizing to me; not trying to justify this bullshit.

Needless to say, I'm working on my resume.  In fact, that is my Lent promise for this year.  I have to get a new job or Jesus can kill me.  I made that pact with the bearded ferry.  I will accept help from anyone to get this situation rectified as I look forward to telling my boss that I quit and then blaming Obama or some other tired cliche that idiots use.  I'm going to stick Grumpy on this.  He doesn't do anything.  Find me a job, old man.  I want 6 figures at a minimum, a stable of slaves, and at least four hours of uninterrupted internet time per day.  If I can be Drew's boss, I would accept.  Get to work.

Enough about me, let's get to talking about the teams not going to the Super Bowl (and Manti Te'o!).

Manti Te'o - Listen jerk, you had no problem talking about your GF on camera after you knew it was a prank but now that we all know about it, you need a lawyer present and no cameras?  This does not compute.  Good job putting this all on your asshole dad though!

Michael Crabtree - Looks like rape accusations aren't just for white oaf quarterbacks anymore!  Nice fumble at the one, turd.

Typical Falcons - What the fuck?  How can the same team look like the GOAT in first halves and then a goat in the second in back-to--back weeks?  Makes no sense but at the same time, when you think about these guys, it makes perfect sense.  They should have lost last week.  The inevitable was delayed until yesterday.  World keeps spinnin'.

Matt Ryan - I don't care if he got his first playoff win last week or not--dude is still a loser in my book (an ELITE book).  Much like another playoff loser showed last week (Peyton), stupid turnovers down the stretch are always killer.  Let's see if idiots make excuses for Matty Poop.  Although his shoulder did get Kevin Bossed on that final drive.

Jimmy BRAH - Did you see that terrific tantrum he threw after his failed challenge?  My God was that some great stuff.  Someone didn't get a pudding cup at the team meal this morning.  Just remember that if you are rooting for the Niners then you are rooting for Jim Harbaugh to be a champion.  Are you ready for that?  I want to believe that I am, but I know deep down that I am not.

David Akers - TERRIBLE.

DESTINY - You can't spell "SUPER BOWL" really, really incorrectly without "A-L-E-X B-O-O-N-E"!  I'll be honest, I never thought that this shirtless drunk Hulk would ever make it in the league but he has so good for him.  Although I think that he's buddies with commenter Daniel so fuck him.

Final Thoughts - Just a really entertaining game.  The better team won.  The chokier team choked.  After a shaky start, the Niners offense overcame nerves and rape accusations to dominate.  I'm 90% certain that San Fran wins the Super Bowl.  By the way, everyone won this game in the Super Bowl Mania since it was a push.  LET'S ALL MAKE OUT!

Mr. Ace - Drew sent me a text that Ape was using the blog handle to tell the world about how great it is to be vegan.  I hate Ape.  Stop embarrassing this fine site.

Wes Welker - I'm not sure why, but I really hate small gritty white guys.  It brings me great joy to see Woodhead get decapitated and Welker drop multiple crucial passes.  Fuck Whitey!

Tom Brady - It was no butt fumble, but his scramble/get tackled by the ref was major lulz.  By the way, that's now three games in a row where Joe Flacco has been the best QB on the field when facing the Patriots.  For as much love as I give Eli Manning, I'm starting to shift that to Flacco.  That cat can play.  I'm sorry but it's true.

Aqib Talib - Not only does he look exactly like Snoop Lion or whatever that cornball brotha is calling himself these days, but Talib makes a strong case for being the worst person in the league.  Go ahead and look at his rap sheet.  It's astounding.

Stevan Ridley - DEAD!  Bernard Pollard was sent to Earth with this sole mission of killing Patriots.  I love him for that.  He's doing God's work!

A lovely recovery - Thank you, Raymond Rice!  After another god awful gambling performance during the early game, I was saved by Rice when he was the first to score a TD at +500.  I can't tell you how much I needed that.  Also, Aaron Hernandez over 64.5 yards was stealing.

Final thought on this game and the day in general - Let this be known so that we don't waste our time with frauds in the future: if you play little pussy bitch finesse football, you will never win a title.  You have to run the ball.  You have to have a rock solid defense.  If it isn't rock solid, it better have a bizarre amount of swag.  Again, YOU HAVE TO RUN THE BALL.  Look at who lost yesterday and who moved on...there are obvious similarities that the winners and losers both share.

OMG.  WE'RE HEADED FOR THE BRAH BOWL!!!!  This is going to be amazing.  I decided to send J-Rupe down for the big game to be our correspondent in two weeks.  When he realized that he would be covering the Brah Bowl, he replied thusly:

BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL BRAH BOWL!!!  This is the best thing that ever happened to The Iceman!  I can't wait.  For the game and because it's going to be hilarious watching Ray Lewis wipe away all the tears and chase Kaepernick down quite poorly.  My way too early prediction: fucking Ray Lewis is going to go out on top somehow and we will all hate ourselves.  Also, Shannon Scott sucks and you need to find me work.


Anonymous said... have your orders. Now find G$ a job.

G$ make sure that resume is sharp as fuck.

Ape should not be promoting veganism on the Money Shot handle.

BRAH Bowl is on...and I'm fine with it.

Definitely rooting for Ray Lewis..fuck all you Browns haters!


Anonymous said...

Hey Drew - good picks this weekend.


Anonymous said...

Oh...I forgot to mention....COME AT ME TONIGHT JACKET BRAHS! I'm carrying your flag, doing your battle, whatever the fuck tonight. After that PATHETIC performance by the Wings on Saturday, I expect an wild bounce back...probably beat you fools 9-0. The octopus gonna be flying at Nationwide tonight!

Slow Seal...take 49 times it by zero and you will have all the fucks I give.


Grumpy said...

My best advice is to let your wife support you like I do. Only way to go.

The only good to come of all this is two weeks of HarBRAH hilarity.

I can't root for Ray Lewis, ever. Jeff will back me on this.

GMoney said...

Drew, I had outside sources working on the resume all weekend. And you will be destroyed tonight. CARRY THE CUP!

I would love to have a sugar mama, Grump, with my sole purpose being to take care of the dog and get in sick shape (not cut; just looking like I have AIDS) but I can't see She$ letting that happen. It's unfortunate.

I saw Argo this weekend. Incredible.


Mr. Ace said...

First, I am in no way promoting veganism. Mrs. Ace and I got a gift card to Red Robin for christmas from somebody so we used it this weekend. I had a burger with bacon and an egg because go big or go home. While sitting on the toilet and pushing out that meals spawn, the inglorious smell sparked up nostalgia. Yes, the smell of my shit made me think about my previous carnivorous lifestyle. That is all I said. It is cute how Drew reports to you, though. You might as well be his boss.

I can't fucking wait for the Brah Bowl. I bet there is a fucking fist fight during the post game handshake.

Ray Lewis is nothing but class.

Te'o is getting a Katie Couric interview. This story is 12 Courics.

MUDawgfan said...

Atlanta got the absolute most of of all of their players. Sucks balls that UGA and The Falcons had their championship runs end on the 10 yard line of the Georgia Dome.

Needs: DE, DT, MLB, OG, RB

I think it was Bill Walsh that once said "The most important thing in football is a 4th quarter pass rush"
San Fran had it and we didn't. Sucks, but at least it's clear what needs to be addressed in the off season.

Anonymous said...

Argo was indeed incredible. Argofuck yourself!

My sister works in HR/has a Masters degree in it. I could make her look at your resume for any suggestions/imorovements if you would like.

I might streak the ice tonight wearing only my Wings Jersey.


GMoney said...

Your sister is just going to put a coat of Jared Sullinger's jizz on my resume (a nice stroll down memory lane). Wait--was it Oden? Shit, now I don't remember.

Your sister is just going to put a coat of tall black man's jizz on my resume. That should cover it.

And is it a fucking rule that the NFL has to have some dipshit awful country act sing the national anthem at every game? MOR KORN PLEAZ!

Ice Man said...

I can't believe you left Ray Lewis off this list. After bawling like a faggot during the national anthem, bawling AGAIN while surrounded by reporters after the game, doing this:

while wearing a fucking Art Model tshirt he still gets left off?! I'm just stupified right now.

GMoney said...

Ray Lewis is just extremely proud to be an American! He's doing this for the troops! For Freedom! He only eats Freedom Fries!

Did it shock you at all that a man of that ilk would wear an ArtMo shirt? Don't act like this took you by surprise.

Someone please LOL at the new Rupe picture. The man knows how to take care of a woman.

Anonymous said...

Still banned from Rupe's friends list. I consider this to be an ongoing victory.

On the hilarious facebook note, I have a buddy that I went to high school with. He owns his own bodyshop and is/was my mechanic for cost. Good guy. Well, his side job/hobby is being a photographer. Gay, I know, but ok, I guess it's admirable.

Every now and again a picture of some high school cheerleader will make its way to my feed. Weird, creepy, and unusual all in the same light, but, hey, I guess he's getting paid, so cool. Right? My brother is convinced he's a pederast and we have had a few great conversations on the matter. I always like to assume people are pederasts and/or rapists (most of you commenters, in fact), so I go with it. Then last week and today happen.

On Thursday, a picture comes out with this guy with his arm around a young a bikini. Oh man, I say, this is going to make for some good theater. Then today, as I was perusing the vast number of people that hate Ray Lewis and his murdering scumbagginess, and the Patriots fans saying something like 23 days to pitchers and catchers (go fuck yourselves, seriously)! I find a picture of this guy face to face with the same young girl almost about to kiss in some bar that looks like Brewsky's. Knowing the coke head owner (ex girlfriends best friends dad, and hilarious junkie (great stories)) this activity is probably encouraged.

Normally, I would defriend them, but as much as I love watching dumpster fires, I want to see where this goes. That's why I keep the heroin addict I knew from HS, and the illiterate retard who has 2 kids and thinks he's black, that I played sports with, as friends on facebook. I love watching their shitty lives be even more shittier by the day. (The addicts recent posts about finding true happiness after getting a job at the Limited warehouse making $9.00/hr to getting laid off a month later has been a real treat for me)

Also, Happy James Earl Ray Day!


Prime99 said...

Crabtree be rapin' bitches!

SF fans are about to become the Boston fans of the West Coast.

I'm excited to see how many Katrina references the BRAH's will make in New Orleans.

Anonymous said...

Ide...does that person go by the name of Dut?

G$...NBA cum on your resume would open up many doors.


Brady said...

Brah Bowl! I knew this day would come when the playoffs started. I just don't know how to process it. Do I root for a Michigan man? Do I root for the old Browns? Do I go on a three day bender and miss the Super Bowl completely? So many questions.

Ray Lewis is like a daytime soap opera. I can't fucking wait until he retires! Oh, what's that you say? I'll have to endure him on some pre game show next year?

/wraps lips around revolver

GMoney said...

Wow. Apparently Brady is the only person ever to have foreseen the Ravens winning the AFC considering that NO ONE saw this coming three weeks ago. Stick that revolver down a little deeper.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to include the caption that Rupe left for that pic. "Come on, you know you want it." The guy just gets it.

This two week build up to the Super Bowl is going to be fucking awful.

I want give Ape props for turning me on to Samantha Saint on Twitter. She in turn led me to the great Lisa Ann. The AVN awards were this weekend and Lisa was none to please about her not being able to go on stage to accept her MILF of the year trophy because it's seen as a minor award. Ray Lewis gets glorified and Lisa Ann gets shit on. What is this world coming to?


Anonymous said...

I'm not really into MILF porn or Lisa Ann, but that is too bad to hear. She does deserve to accept that on stage.


Ice Man said...

Ide...please inform me how you were blocked by The Ruper. I would love to hear the tale.

There's something I need to get off my chest. I've seen a few Browns fans out there congratulating Ray Lewis and sucking him off with comments like: "Greatest middle linebacker of all time." and "I would take him on the Browns anyday."


Those people need to be publicly prison raped in the middle of town square. How fucking dare you!! Have any kind words about Art Modell you care to pass on while we're at it? Motherfucker, does this shit piss me off. Just because our team sucks doesn't mean you have to find comfort in blowing the fucking enemy. Have some self respect already. You don't deserve to be miserable with the rest of us. Find a new team.

Anonymous said...

Lisa Ann was great, but those surgeries really look terrible. Not to be a stickler, but if you're going to be in porn, at least have some high priced john get you in to the ELITE plastic surgeons office. Being chintzy on costs has major effects down the road.

Porn post soon?


Anonymous said...

If I remember correctly, I encouraged him to get drunk and make self destructive decisions when he was boo hooing about his life.

He did wish me a happy birthday though, and that made my day.


Ace said...

It wouldn't be right to have a money shot twitter and not follow porn stars. April O'neill might be the coolest person in the world.

GMoney said...

Respect Lisa Ann. People talk about Tina Fey and Julianne Moore's impression of Sarah Palin, but NO ONE did it better than Lisa Ann.

How about the Pats lining up for a fake punt type play with Ryan Mallet? BRAH called a TO. Why? What was Mallet going to do (other than copious amounts of meth)?

Some dumb bitch just called into The Fan saying that she is a big Browns fan and she is rooting for Bawlmer because THEY ARE THE REAL BROWNS. My God...this woman should Rupe herself.

I'll tell you what: I will join Twitter if we get at least 2 shout-outs from porn stars (that have to do with the site and not just wiping skeet off their grills).

Ace said...

So we/I am supposed to troll porn stars for a shoutout just so you can bask in all the glory of twitter? As the iron sheik would say, or go fuck yourself.

Anonymous said...

Probably less creepy than the reasons you troll porn stars now.


GMoney said...

Ide > Ape

Get Sheiky to give us a plug!

GMoney said...

The Cleveland Clinic strikes again! Varejao done for the year with a blood clot in his lung. What is it going to take to shut that place down for good? Is it being run by Dr. Nick Riviera?

Thank God the Blue Jackets are the best team in the NHL to distract from the remainder of the tank job 2013 Cavs season.

By the way, good news for you people who like to scam the CBJ by getting cheap lower bowl tickets with your student ID. You may have already known this (I did not) but you can buy them online starting at noon on gameday instead of going down there and hoping that they are still available. CARRY IT!

Ice Man said...

"Varejao done for the year with a blood clot in his lung"

I hope he dies.

Anonymous said...

My reading comprehension skills may be off today, but I'm pretty sure Peter King wrote that Kenyon Martin played at Louisville.

He even disappointed me in his lack of homerism mourning that I was sure would be the lions share of his shitty column.

God I hate that man.


GMoney said...

Petey also compared to what Pollard does to the Patriots to what A-Rod does to the Red Sox. I have no fucking clue what this analogy was supposed to mean. At least he got in a precious Red Sox reference this week!

Pollard and A-Rod both played at Louisville! WEIRD!

Prime99 said...

I remember when K-Mart played for Louisville.... He and Pitino were responsible for so many abortions during that period. I believe they broke the record for most abortions in a season that one year.

Brady said...

I'm really enjoying the Money Shot on Twitter. It's the first thing I check in the morning. Following porn stars is a must.

Of course I saw the Ravens winning the AFC title, G$. Pay no attention to my picks in bowl mania or numerous posts on how the Pats couldn't be beat. It was inevitable, as a Browns fan, that the fake Browns would get to the Super Bowl.

Mr. Ace said...

Twitter claims we only have 46 followers, but I am pretty sure it is actually 460. Definitely.

Prime99 said...

Brady reminds me of Raven from WCW. "What about me? What about Raven?" I hope that catches on and Brady's nickname matches the new, better version of the Browns.

GMoney said...

Great reference, Prime! E-C-DUB! E-C-DUB!