Thursday, January 03, 2013

The Triple Threat Has Been Shelved Temporarily

This is EXACTLY what James Naismith had in mind.

“I can get compared to Kevin Garnett, his inside game. Outside game, Dirk Nowitzki, explosive like Amar’e (Stoudemire). Those three guys I like to compare myself and mix them all together and do a little bit of triple threat.”

If you remember, this is how the former BJ Mullens described himself before the NBA Draft a few years ago. It produced major LULZ from even the most staunch Lord Byron supporter (does not exist). So to tip-off this NBA heavy post today, I feel the need to give everyone here an update on our favorite 7 footer for the Charlotte Bobcats. First of all, the big fella is out indefinitely with a recently sprained ankle. Clearly he does share some traits with Amare. That makes me a sad panda since they play the Cavs tomorrow night (talk about a ratings bonanza!). Second, he appears to be on the verge of superstar-dom as he is averaging 12 and 8. Those are Tristan (or Tristian as AC calls him constantly) Thompson numbers!

Finally, we may have been underrating just how much of a threat Byron is. His stats indicate that Mullens has “inside the gym” range. By that, I mean that Byron freaking Mullens has chucked 122 3 pointers in 27 games. I didn’t even know that he could shoot anything outside of “dunk”. But apparently he’s launching over 4.5 threes PER GAME. I think that Jeff jumped the gun on picking the Wolves as his team. He should have gone with the Charlotte Mullens. In conclusion, Byron Mullens IS a triple threat! And if you get a chance to watch the Nuggets play, look out for our old buddy KoKo (that’s Kosta Koufos if you were unaware and he used to be such a wonderful contributor here) as he has the world’s greatest receding hairline. KoKo!

*Deron Williams is the fucking worst – Jerry Sloan, one of the best basketball coaches of all time, quit over coaching this guy. Avery Johnson isn’t great, but he got booted from Brooklyn because his star player is a little bitch. We all know that Dwight and Bron and Kobe are the biggest divas in the league, but D-Will is equally pussified. This guy just sounds like such an awful teammate. I can’t wait to see how he handles direction from PJ “Mr. Hamlin” Carlesimo. There is no way that that relationship doesn’t end with someone tapping out.

*The Clippers winning streak ending caused Sterling’s son to kill himself – I’m still not sure if I trust this team to do much in the postseason but a 17 game win streak is as hard to ignore as the Cavs’ 27 game losing streak two years ago (ended against the Clips!).

*The Lakers are as terrible as Steve Nash’s hair – I am so happy that Mike D’Antoni is proving me right. Again, he is a terrible coach whose style of play doesn’t work with old fuckers like the Lakers are comprised entirely of. It seems like everyone on the Lakers hate each other so they are the reverse Flint Tropics (Everybody love everybody!). I wouldn’t want to see them in round 1 though, but still, this is very funny.

*I don’t care; Al Horford is an average player – I was watching the Hawks/Cavs last week (another game that we pissed away) and I couldn’t stop thinking that Zaza Pachulia is the ugliest man ever and Zaza scares me more than Horford. I shouldn’t ever think that. But there I was. I don’t know, maybe Al just doesn’t play well against us (he would be the first ever to make that claim) yet I can only judge on what I see and to me Al Horford is a clown fraud. He just isn’t good.

*I’m not buying the Knicks – It’s my own personal Duke Rule: teams that chuck threes at an alarming rate have almost zero chance of winning a title. You just can’t rely on making double digit three pointers per night. Plus, Jason Kidd is due for another domestic violence arrest any day now.  Plus again, Mike Woodson is Evil Mike Brown.

*I am buying the Warriors – This is biased because Mark Jackson speaks ebonics better than anyone ever and I know a guy who is a scout for them, but I like the way that they play. They actually play defense now and as long as Steph Curry stays healthy (will not happen), they’re going to make the playoffs and possibly win a series.

*Rose and (to a lesser extent) Wall comin’ back yo – Please make a note of it if you play fantasy. Although since Wall grew up without a dad, I don't know why you would even consider him.  My 6th place team (out of 8!) already added Rose even though he is still a few weeks away. I would rather have an injured Rose than a playing Jason Terry.

Obviously, not all of you are going to like today’s post. That’s why I lead off with my strong suit: Byron James. If you need some other shit to lament in the comments, feel free to discuss things like how you won’t miss Ray Lewis at all or the state of Pennsylvania can all get fucked because they STILL don’t get it. I want to close with a thought on my Cavs. God, they suck. You can clearly see the talent there but they have no idea how to play together or close games out. I don’t want them to trade Andy (how many fucking games are you going to sit out over a fucking bruised knee???) ever but if they stay strong with their demand of Serge Ibaka and picks for him, well, bye bye Wild Thing.

I dedicate this post to Iceman who has not stopped laughing since the last time Paul Pierce got faked out of his shoes and just fell over.


Grumpy said...

At least you make a post about the NBA entertaining, something Iceman has never done.

Anonymous said...

Quick hitters...

*Byron's NBA ability has stunned me...probably stunned the teams that gave up on him too.

*Iceman sent me a text last week apologizing for hating on the Andre Drummond pick. Drummond is going to be a star in this league...freak show.

*Evan Turner has turned into a very good NBA player. Kid is throwing up great fantasy numbers every night.

*Rondo has regressed and is not very good this year.

*LeBron is still the best basketball player in the world.

*How about the season Kobe is having? Sure his team blows, but dude can still score with anyone. He doesn't age.

*We are due for a Stephanie Curry injury.

*Another player that has made the leap to stardom...Jrue Holiday. Awesome basketball player.

*Pistons have won 5 of their last 6....playoffs are coming!


GMoney said...

Grumpy, that's some high praise!

We lost to the Kings last night. It was another classic example of these guys having no clue how to finish. The same Kings that were 1-13 on the road this year. Fucking DeMarcus Prime.

I didn't understand anything that Drew just said. I only watch losing hoops.

Mr. Ace said...

You didn't say anything about the Spurs. It must not be May yet.

Jim Irsay is a beautiful man. I imagine Grump dresses like him now.

Jeff said...

I do love me some Byron James. I'm sure the TWolves have him on their radar as a potential trade target because he's white of course. Holding down that 9th spot in the west at 14-14. They are awesomely mediocre.

GMoney said...

At least Rubio is back...and he's already hurt again!

Ice Man said...

Grumpy hates my NBA posts because not once have I mentioned Bob Cousey or Bill Walton...the only players he knows.

I'll admit when I'm wrong and I was TOTES wrong a out Drummond. He's gonna be quite good. But at the same time I will gloat like a motherfucker when I'm right. And I was right about the Lakers. Fuck you, Seal.

Evil Mike Brown is a tremendous observation.

I sat courtside for Tuesday's Pistons/Kings duel. Isaiah Thomas can't be more than 4'10". I'm 90% on that. Demarcus Cousins (or Cousints as black folk like to call him) was surprisingly tame. But Francisco Garcia on the other hand was quite the shit talker...and it was all done in Spanish. Directed at Chaz Villanueva. It was the most irrelevant exchange in the history or mediocre players, I'm sure. I didn't know being below fringe in the NBA gave you the green light to flap your gums all night. He really backed it up too with his blistering 25% shooting performance.

GMoney said...

Oooooooh you were close to Jimmer! Did he convert you?

Gentlemen, I can vow that you all did MUCH better with your latest round of bowl picks. I don't like seeing Dut go 8-2 though.

Brady said...

I aspire to finish somewhere in the middle this season for bowl predictions. I have LOFTY goals!

All I know about last night's NBA action is what I read on Twitter. Apparently Cousins owned the Cavs last night. That sounds about right for a Cleveland team.

The Indians make another huge move and sign Brett Meyers to the staff for 2013. We may get to .500 this season!

LOL Florida.

GMoney said...

Brady, we got owned by Jason Thompson; not Cousins. THEE Jason Thompson!

Anonymous said...

Wheres the college hoops post? Its not often we can confidently talk about how much better Michigan is that OSU.... (sorry, I can't resist).

I turned down free 4 rows off the court seats to a Pistons game a month ago, that's how bad they were playing and I am definitely a fair weather basketball fan....

- J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

Big Ten hoops > SEC football

Ice Man said...

If The Jimmer looks slow on TV, add 30 lb ankle weights to him and that's what he looks like in person. Also, it's a requirement to not take any pregame warmup seriously if you aspire to play in the NBA. I enjoyed watching Andre Drummond and Chaz Villie hoist 50 foot 3 pointers while Maxiell worked on his 3 point range.

I can't believe you turned down those tickets, JSaul. Who cares if they suck?! This is the time to take advantage of those seats, man! No one is giving those seats away if they're good. You are a huge dumb. The free food that came with our seats certainly didn't hurt either.

GMoney said...

I have to side with Ice here. Never turn down ELITE seats even if the product is horseshit. You can always be a heckler. I don't know, like make fun of Charlie V for being in chemo for the past 28 years or ask Rod Stuckey if he plans on collapsing again.

GMoney said...

So do we all agree that the Knicks are frauds and that Paul Pierce random fall downs are the greatest? Good.

Mr. Ace said...

I have never been to an NBA game, but I would guess it is one of the better sporting events to attend. Close to the athletes, more sluts than football games, less boring than baseball games. I would have turned them down as well, though. But only because my first NBA game will be a Spurs game...or I just won't ever go to an NBA game.

Fuck you J Saul.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Ape never being to an NBA game. Have you ever seen the ocean, you deprived little boy?

The Knicks are TOTES frauds.

I can't wait for Cousins to do the crazy thing that will lead to a year long ban or just kicked out of the league. It will happen at some point....I'm calling a wild assault on a reporter in a locker room.


Anonymous said...

Well the * was that this was 2 hours before the game whilst still sitting at work. There was no promise of free food, and I had 0 interest in spending an hour getting to and parking at the Palace.

In hindsight I should have taken them and left at half. It was against the nuggets (which I don't think I can name one player on that team?).

- J Saul

Ice Man said...

You burn more calories when you randomly flop your fat body everywhere, G$. Too bad the 30 post game donuts pierce inhales more than counteracts the caloric burn. Most athletes get Gatorade at the post game presser. Pierce gets a box of Krispy Kremes.

Ape had never been to an NBA game because they don't have soy hot dogs there and trees were killed to make the tickets.

CousinTs is a hilarious motherfucker. I'm with you Drew...that dude is gonna do something that gets him at least a year ban, possibly longer. Word is that the team was trying to get him to see a therapist and he essentially told them to get fucked proper like. I just hope his meltdown comes next season since I have him on my fantasy team this year.

Knicks will be better once Amare is at full STREMPH. But only as long as he agrees to come off the bench. They can win a first round series but I wouldn't take them any further.

Ice Man said...

"It was against the nuggets (which I don't think I can name one player on that team?)."

KoKo motherfucker! And any time you have a chance to see Javale McGee in person you pounce on that shit. That guy is almost as nutty as CousinTs and is a lock to do something stupid in the 18 minutes of court time he'll get.

Prime99 said...

D. Cousins is absolutely nuts. But he is must watch TV. Early 2000s Artest but scarier.

Rose coming back will help me watch more NBA, however, nothing will help my fantasy team. Apparently fantasy basketball is where my skills draw the line.

GMoney said...

Thank you, Iceman, as I about puked up shit at the notion that JSaul slapped KoKo in the face. Also, Ty Lawson sick.

GMoney said...

More fun facts!

*You know how Ray Allen is the best 3 point shooter of all time? It's true even though I don't like him. Just trust me. Byron has shot 8 more threes in 2 less games than Jesus Shuttleworth.

*He has shot three less threes than Kevin Durant has.

*Nice coaching when your center is allowed to launch 5 threes per game and hitting a robust 30% of them. He only shoots 42% from 2 point. You know what, Byron sucks. He is no Tristian Thompson.

Brady said...

I have nothing to add to this NBA discussion. HOWEVAH, Warming Glow has the best post about "Who that hot ad girl is". It's a must read for brah's that watch too much TV. I may need to make a Ruffles/Wendys/Fiat/Samsung Galaxy run because of it.

GMoney said...

Prime, you've got to get to Chip immediately and ask why everyone has him going to either Philly, BuffaLOL, or Cleveland. Why no KC or Chicago?