Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Super BRAH!

                                 "I've always had the prettier boner."




And here we are.  The motherfucking HarBOWL.  Fucking gag me already.  Any human rooting for the Ravens in this situation can get their dick ripped out at the root.  The vision of Ray Lewis hoisting another Super Bowl trophy over his head is enough to make me want to dig out my eyeballs with a melon baller.  Lucky for all of you I happen to have a cousin that works for the Ravens organization.  He is a terrible, terrible human who happens to work closely beside John Harbaugh.  I'm pretty sure he has punted babies into lava pools at some point in his life.  After the Ravens had beat the Patriots on Sunday I received the following email from him.  Which is weird because we never talk to the point where you would think he doesn't even exist.  Enjoy.

/John Harbaugh runs to midfield as the game expires.

John: Nice game, dick lover! How did you like us ass fucking your shit stabbing QB all fucking night? You probably loved it since you're gay as fuck! Tell that cock jockey Brady to stick to what he knows best. Lotion, scented lubes, anal toys and beating off to pictures of ejaculating dicks!!

Bill Belichick: Uhhhh. Okay. How about a lesson in humility?

John: /in a mocking tone Uhhhh. Okay. How about you go the fuck home and suck your wife's black dick? Move along, loser. Back to the locker room so you can SpyGate naked pecker. WOOOO! FUCK YOURSELF!!

BB: Asshole.

Moments later...As the Baltimore Ravens board the plane John Harbaugh's cell phone rings.

John: This better be sexy pussy or the President calling this phone or your fuckin ass is getting hung up on.

A muffled mystery voice on the other line

Mystery Voice: Cock sucker says what....

John: What?

MV: /snickering Cock sucker says what...

John: WHAT???  SPEAK UP, FUCK FACE!!

Jim: AHHHHHHHH!!!  COCK SUCKER!!!  I TOTALLY FUCKING GOT YOU!!!

John: Well if it isn't little fuckin brother...

Pilot: Sir, you're going to have to power down your phone.

John: Hold on...Yeah, I'm not doing that. You obviously don't know who the fuck you're talking to.

Pilot: No...I'm well aware who I'm talking to and in order for us to take off safely I'm going to need you to kindly...

John: Drink my diarrhea. Not happening, shit lips. /back on the phone. Okay...where were we? Oh yes! I was just getting ready to remind you to bring your abortion bucket to New Orleans on February 3rd. It's gonna be messier than the time we killed that hooker in your bathtub back in '94.

Jim: FUCKIN PLEASE!! Like I'm afraid of a sour clam who can't even control the actions of his own team! When that half retarded ape linebacker of yours isn't bawling like a rape victim, hes wearing a t shirt of a homosexual dead man while he dry humps an unsuspecting victim from behind. Not very threatening, Johnathan.

John: Don't fucking call me that! And Art Modell was not fucking gay!  HE WAS A SAINT!!

Jim: Then explain the late nights at the Model home and why the crotch of all of your underwear used to smell like skid marks and bourbon.

John: /blushing. That never happened. Wait...how did you know my underwear smelled like bourbon?

Jim: Uhhh, what? Lucky guess!  Nevermind.  So here's a question for you.  When you shave your wife's chest hair...do you donate it to charity or glue it to your pelvis to make your pussy extra bushy?

John:  HILARIOUS!!  Enough of the child's play you greasy twat.  Can you fuckin believe this shit?!  We both made it to the Super Bowl.  I mean...I knew I would be here since mom and dad like me more and I have the more superior brain.  But you're kind of a surprise to make it this far since you couldn't coach your way out of a gorilla's asshole.

Jim:  Yeah...the only thing that sucks about this game is that it's in New Orleans.  The stench of dead, black, criminals still rot the streets.  I was there two weeks ago giving this skank the Stiff Jimmy in a run down hostel.  When I was done clapping those cheeks, I opened the window since the smell of her moldy beav was making the paint chip.  Had to get some fresh air, ya know?  Welcoming in the New Orleans air actually made it worse!!  It's really off putting and furthers my point that blacks should not be allowed by cities in close proximity to water.

John:  I heard they're like Gremlins...you can't get them wet or they start looting and raping white girls.  *gasp* I bet that's why your darkie Crabtree forced his warty dick into that sweet, innocent, vanilla snatch!

Jim:  Nahhhhhh.  It's because he doesn't respect women.  But I'm okay with that because no one should.  Women are lower on the totem pole than garbage men and plumbers.  And I throw balloons filled with my own piss at my garbage man every week if that tells you anything.

John:  What about your plumber?

Jim:  I just drop a juicy turd fillet in the crapper and leave it to marinate for a few days when I know he's coming.  Just to really drive it home that I fucking hate his guts and know I'm better than him and always will be.  Enough of people I don't give a fuck about.  So let's talk strategy.  How do you plan on stopping my brilliant zone read plays?  I mean...those plays even work when that dumb coon Gore goes the wrong way on the read fake!  He's so fucking dumb!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

John:  Easy.  I'll just have my linebackers hold up signs that say "Kaepernick's parents loved drugs more than keeping custody".  And others that read "Adopted kids are fetuses parents couldn't afford to abort."  As a secondary strategy I've actually found Kaepernick's birth mother and convinced her to throw interference by trying to reconnect.  It didn't take much...just a dirty heroin needle I lifted off Garrett Reid's body before he was buried and box of Timbits I wrestled off of a homeless guy.  Only have of them were soaked in his piss.  She didn't seem to care.  Better question for you.  Now that Joe Flacco is an ELITE quarterback, how do you plan to thwart our top flight passing attack?

Jim:  Ha!  Simple.  First I plan on grabbing Torrey Smith by his dirty fucking dreads before the game and telling him that his brother deserved to die and I'm happy one less criminal is off the streets.  Next, I will show Flacco a picture of naked tits.  By my calculations it'll take about 14 seconds before his brain explodes assuming his balls don't rupture first.  That should just about do it.

John:  Solid plan.  Almost as good as mine.  I've had enough talking because I really don't like you that much.  I'm hanging up the phone now so I....

John's phone buzzes with a picture message from Jim.  It's him jerking off.

John:  That little pecker hung up on me!

Pilot:  GOOD!  Can we please take off now?!

John:  One second.  I need to go to the bathroom for about 4 minutes then we'll be good.

That's where the email ended and I can only imagine where it went from there.  According to my piece of shit cousin, the HarBRAHs are close friends with Chip Kelly.  My only hope is that sometime in the future we can get them in the same room together and really take in the atmosphere.  That's it for me.  Enjoy your time with the HarBRAHs courtesy of my fake...err...my cousin who works for the Ravens.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

Go Ray Ray!

Also, you Jacket fans can carry my balls today.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Let me also add that not a day goes by where I'm not thankful that Jim Harbaugh is not up in Ann Arbor.

Meyer/Harbaugh matchups would have been epic.

Meyer/Hoke...gonna be a bloodbath for years.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Did Drew just drop a triple negative in that comment? Typical Fuckeye.

The Brah's really know how to troll. I hope to really see some of those signs in the stands during the Super Bowl.

How about Wes Welker's wife calling Ray Lewis a...typical stereotypical black guy who happens to be good at football? She's a keeper.

GMoney said...

Iceman's cousin is Ozzie Newsome because all black people are related.

When it comes to trolling the opposition, John is vastly superior to Jim. Those signs would be the greatest thing in the history of sports.

Deep down, I was hoping that an air marshal would try to stop John from talking on the phone. That could have produced sexy results.

Drew, sloppy yet solid game last night. Jackets showed a lot of GRIT to take the lead after a garbage first period. Cam Atkinson is such a stud. We're still ahead of you! I was thinking all game long that that Brunner guy is terrible but then he uncorked a bananas shootout goal so I went back to pleasuring my anus.

I'd rather us beat the Wings when I'm there anyway.

GMoney said...

REJOICE DUT! The word verification has been removed.

GMoney said...

Here's something to chew on:

Former Fuckeyes on roster - BAL 0, SF 4

Anonymous said...

And I'm still rooting for Baltimore. I like Ginn and Whitner, but Boone is a faggot....especially now that he's suddenly ridiculously good due to being sober.

G$...u following me on twitter? I posted a YouTube link to that goal last night and only wrote "bananas".

--Drew

Ice Man said...

Is g$ finally on Twitter? Can it be?

Grumpy said...

Iceman, see if your cousin can get you into the locker room on game day. I'd love to hear John's pregame speech.

Drew goes triple negative and stupid. How do you drag Meyer and Fuckeye football into this?

Prime99 said...

The HarBRAHs are always great family fun! However, there can only be one.

Chip will be heading to New Orleans since he will be in the next 8, he wants to know what one feels like to be a spectator.

GMoney said...

Child please...no Twitter for me but my curiousity level is rising. I admit to that.

How can you hate Boone's Farm? He used to get drunk, run around shirtless, and then throw parked cars (or something)!

LOCK OF THE YEAR: John's pregame speech makes Ray Ray cry. Even if it's just a bunch of grunts from unleashing a huge growler.

Ice Man said...

It'll be tough to get locker room access on game day. I'll see what I can do. And we could be talking about anything, Grumpy. Drew will find a way to slip in something Ohio related.

Jeff said...

Tough loss for the CBJ, but I do like look of our team and I'll always take a point. Cam is a stud. The Brunner goal was sick nasty. Mason would've given up 11 goals last night they way Bob was getting peppered.

GMoney said...

Definitely a different Wings team last night from Saturday. Datsyuk is still a hideous gargoyle though. There's no way that any woman--eh, probably man--bones that without a cash transaction.

Slighting a Red Wing = an attack on Urban Meyer probably

Ice Man said...

Speaking of hockey...expect Damman to be at the Toledo Walleye game this Saturday. Jordan Kovacs will be there signing autographs.

GMoney said...

Speaking of homo Jordans, it was pleasure to see big time faggot Jordin Tootoo get his face caved in by Boll 3 seconds into the game last night. Boll is shockingly 2-0 in fights this season with a big upset on Shea Weber Saturday night. Tootoo is the largest queer in league history.

Anonymous said...

Within 45 seconds of entering Nationwide last night I got heckled for my Wings gear and I responded by telling the flag carrier to suck my cock. So happy hockey is back.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Whoever cheers for Baltimore is a fucking faggot, pure and simple. I'm all for hating on the Niners, but I'm not sure there has been a more unlikable team assembled. The Steelers have had their fair share in the past, but it's the fans that throw them over the top. Fuck Ed Reed, Ray Lewis, and Joe Flacco. Fuck that entire team with prison shivs.

Ide

Brady said...

The Brah's were extra ridiculous today!

Go Niners! Who would want Baltimore to win? The Buckeye's on their roster is just an added bonus for me. There is no way I want to see Ray Ray hoist another trophy and cry for days and days.

Props to Welkah's wife on her Facebook post yesterday. Calling out a murderer is ELITE in my book.

Prime99 said...

If Ray killed himself during the sheer emotion of going out on top, I'd be cool with that. If the BRAHs then ejaculated on his remains, that would be even better.

I have to support Jim on this one- he's a Bears ex-QB that played with the likes of Neal Andersen, Brad Muster, and Tom Waddle. Plus, why not make the city of SF go broke on financing victory parades?

The Iceman said...

True story here. Last week I was forced to go eat dinner at future Mrs. Ice's mother's house. Which usually isn't bad unless there are 8 elderly people there talking about how they welcome death every second of the day. Nothing like eating spaghetti with a side of depression!

Anyway...one of the old ladies there, in between desperate cries for help, informed the group that back when she was a teacher she had both HarBRAH boys in school. These were her words as best as I can remember them:

"John, the older one, was always such a sweet boy. Just a total gentleman and very well spoken. Little Jimmy on the other had was such a loud mouth little shit and was always causing problems."

If only she could read this site and see what the BRAHS have turned into. But she's 85, takes in stray cats, doesn't have the internet and can't pick things up off the ground when she drops them so it's probably best she avoid this corner of the I-webs.

Anonymous said...

Was she sexually assaulted by any or both of them? Riddle her that.

Ide

GMoney said...

BRAH's teacher dropping golden nuggets like that is truly great. Little Jimmy BRAH is so ornery!

GMoney said...

23 comments for a BRAH post? You guys don't deserve the BRAHs.

Ice Man said...

Don't disrespect the BRAHs

Prime99 said...

Maybe there would be more comments if the BRAHs hung out with Joe Johnson.