Round 5 of Money Shot Super Bowl Mania

GET FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED

I don't know about the rest of you, but I tend to wake up early on Saturday mornings and turn on SportsCenter while I drink my coffee.  This, of course, means that I am well versed in the stylings of The Swami.  The Swami, to those of you that are unaware, is some sort of alternate personality of Chris Berman where he takes at least 7 minutes to do his 2 Minute Drill.  It ends in him picking games against the spread.  It is the absolute worst.  Seriously, it might be worse than watching Skip Bayless masturbate.

Anyway, The Swami was 12 games under .500 going into week 17 because Berman knows nothing about football.  You almost have to try to be that bad.  So he decided to just pick the Colts last week and made that game worth--wait for it--13 wins!  So since he actually covered, he can now claim to be over .500.  LOLWUT?  Gambling doesn't work that way, asshole.  Remember when Tom Mees drowned?  It should have been The Shhhhhhhhhwam.

Today, we get into the professional portion of our Bowl Challenge.  Updated standings are at the bottom.  Remember that for these picks, you're picking ATS as well as the O/U.

Cincinnati @ Houston -4.5 O/U 43
This game wasn’t fun to watch last year so I’m not sure why it would change a year later. This line seems too low until you remember that the Texans are playing like shit and their quarterback is an asexual loser. The book is out on Schaub: if you get in his face at all, he will wilt under the pressure. It just so happens that the Bengals led the league in sacks this year (actually, this is not true). They also lead the league in having Marvin Lewis as their head coach and he has never won a playoff game. To me, it comes down to which awful re-tread kicker you trust more: Josh Brown or Shayne Graham. Shayne Graham couldn’t even beat out Graham Gano last year. Here’s an upset for you: Bengals 21-20 UNDER with Shayne Graham Gano missing two FOURF quarter field goals.

Minnesota @ Green Bay -7/5 O/U 46
They put this in the primetime slot hoping that both teams can recreate the same magic that they had last week. They won’t. I feel like the Vikings won their Super Bowl last week and that game meant everything to themselves and their fans. It’s hard to get jacked like that in back to back weeks. As for the Packers, they got embarrassed twice by the Vikings “offense” this season and I doubt that that happens again. I think that they keep All Day under 100 yards and Ponder is so bad that Samantha Steele divorces him at halftime and remarries Hammerin’ Hank Goldberg who is called that because of his horse cock. You will be not watching this by the FOURF quarter: Packers 38-16 OVER

Indianapolis @ Baltimore -6.5 O/U 47
Everyone keeps saying weird shit about how the Colts season is like a movie. Well, here’s the thing about movies: they all end. They don’t just go on forever. Just ask Timmy Tenor. Eventually, you run out of film. Much like the Vikings winning their Super Bowl last week, I feel that the end of this Colts chick flick ends with Chuckstrong returning to the sideline and winning his first game back in front of all the Fat Humps. That is the end of the movie. On the other side, Ray Lewis is on his “last ride” which I assume is what he told the guy that he helped kill all those years ago. I don’t trust Bert Flacco at all but he is a much more ELITE QB at home than he is on the road. Let me put it this way for why I’m going with the home team…it’s easier to beat leukemia than it is to get away with murder. Ed Reed with two picks and a touchdown: Ravens 31-13 UNDER

Seattle -3 @ Washington O/U 46
Well, it looks like we’ve saved the best for last. I still don’t understand how the Seahawks are 3 point favorites on the road considering they’ve lost road games to the Dolphins and Lions this year (and are 3-5 away from the TWELF man). The Redskins have won 7 in a row all because I’m on a current superstition of listening to O Canada before games. Seriously, we’re 6-0 since I started doing this. Don’t ask why or how this started, just know that it has been working and I’m going to keep rolling with it. So the Hawks have a great pass defense, huh? That’s great. Is it OK to roll up 250-300 yards rushing then? So the Hawks also run the zone read? Whew, for a second there I was worried but our defense sees a far superior version of that every day. I am not very worried about this game at all to be honest. Obviously, they could crush us but they have some bad karma coming for them. You want to know why:

*The Fail Mary
*Running up the score on hapless losers like the Bills and Cardinals
*All of their DBs taking mass quantities of PEDs
*General Petey C douche bag behavior
*The last two times that we made the playoffs, they sent us home…NEVER AGAIN!
*Kempton 22

I heard someone say that the winner of this game is going to win the NFC and I actually see some merit to that. You always ride the hot team in the playoffs. Guess who’s hotter? We are not losing at home: Redskins 28-24 OVER

The Money Shot Super Bowl Mania Standings after the New Year’s Day Bowls:
16-13 – Drew, Iceman, and Prime
15-14 – Li’l Strut, JSaul, Brady, and Buke
14-15 – Nate B and Jeff
13-9 - Dut
13-16 – Seal and Andrew
11-18 – G$, Grumpy, and Damman
6-4 – Mr. Ace

As you can tell if you can read, everyone is still in this (although the bottom 4 have a whole fuck ton of work to do).  Please do not let Dut win this.  We'll be back on Monday to celebrate another Redskins victory after I'm done saluting the Canadian flag.