Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Open Forum: Terrible TV Characters

I like to think of myself as a bit of a TV expert. I seriously watch way too much of it but I’m OK with that so deal with it. Don’t believe me? The DVR in our house has 59 shows on series pass and at least 50 of those are all me. That being said, it is with great sadness that tomorrow will be the series finale of 30 Rock. I don’t care what you think—this is the best sitcom of the past decade. It just is. The writing is always smart and edgy. The cast is great. Dr. Leo Spaceman is the best TV doctor of all time. The show had it all. Maybe it’s just that I love Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, and Tracy Morgan (but not Jack McBrayer who annoys the shit out of me). 30 Rock even featured my favorite joke in the history of television (other than the Seinfeld marine biologist story and "Ms. Chanandler Bong") when Jack uttered the classic line “my cousin Tim fixes NBA games”. Buke will agree that this was an outstanding joke.  I think that I was literally rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off when he said that.

Anyway, I hate the idea of no more 30 Rock and since I’m in the mood to hate, how about I got through my series pass list and start identifying the characters on shows that I hate the most? Obviously, Lori Grimes tops a list like this all day every day but she’s dead now (YES!) so she didn’t make the cut. And OBZ no one can ever out-annoy AJ Soprano and Dani from The Shield but we must move on.  These fuckers come in no particular order but when I get to my most hated, you will know:

Andy Bernard, The Office – He has always been pointless and annoying. I don’t even know what the point of him is anymore. I am hoping that he dies at sea before this show ends in a few months because he deserves to die. Also: Erin the secretary is fucking terrible.

April Ludgate, Parks and Rec – Some people on the intertubes actually think that Aubrey Plaza is cute and funny. I have no idea how this is possible. She has never made me laugh because I find hipster losers to be hipster losers. Although she did give Orrin and Ron seems to like her so whatever.

Margaret Thompson, Boardwalk Empire – Stop talking like an idiot and start speaking ‘merican! She is such a wet blanket that constantly tries to ruin the show for me. It is not working. 

Mike BangingMrsBrody, Homeland – This guy is just a dumbass. He blows in every scene but at least he has a bitchin’ car! I also want to mention that I LOVE Brody’s dumb son. He never says anything important but always gets a line or two in per episode that makes no sense like “Hey mom, they have big TVs in every room!” or “Wizards beat the Heat tonight, Dad!” His pointlessness is major LULZ.  Don't ever change, Brody's kid.

Jeff Winger, Community – I hate him. I hate the character and I hate Joel McHale. I have never found either to be remotely funny. Community gets a lot of love from dipshits on the internet but it is OVERRATED. Yeah, I said it. That’s probably because the lead actor is an insufferable douche lord.

Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family – I don’t even know why I watch this anymore. It is terrible. Deep down, I like to think that one day we're going to get a Sofia Vergara nip slip or that the mom and hot daughter are going to start scissoring or something.  This gay ginger doesn’t help. I would also like to see someone murder Manny.

Gemma Teller, Sons of Anarchy – Her gruff and tough exterior pisses me off so much. When she tries to bully someone, I just roll my eyes. This is the same woman that bawled like a little bitch after a Nazi-rape! Katey Sagal is not a good actress. Maybe it’s the writing on the show, but her motives never make any sense. A lot people like to dump on Tara for dragging down the show but Mama Bear is way worse.

Michonne, The Walking Dead – How about another emotion besides “pissed off militant black chick”? You think you could try a new reaction out? Hines Ward is now on this list as well.

Det. Joe Quinn, Dexter – Now that LaGuerta is dead (SPOILER!), Quinn takes the role of “most pointless character” on this increasingly terrible show that should have wrapped up 3 years ago. Tell me, Dexter fans, what does Quinn do? He should just go back to Justified and be Ice Pick which was an ELITE role.  I was debating internally if Batista was more worthless but he now takes the role of over-pronouncing Mexican words.

Hank Moody, Californication – This is the guy. This is #1 on my list of the characters I hate most on shows that I watch. I hate him so much. He is such a hypocrite and a condescending douche bag that it drives me nuts. How many more seasons are you going to try and win your wife and daughter back only to nail some whore and get caught? They have literally been running the same story for 3 years now. As I said during my mini Modern Family rant, I have no idea why I watch this show any more. I HATE HANK MOODY.

Pam Poovey, Archer – I loathe everything about this animated character. The rest of Archer is outstanding.

Lady Mary Crawley, Downton Abbey – I don’t care if I’m the only straight man who watches this show, it is terrific. Lady Mary is a total box though. How could they kill off the insanely sexy Sybil and let that bitch stick around to annoy me? Edith > Mary

Everyone on Parenthood but Craig T. Nelson - This is one of those shows that I watch because the wife likes it and I'm too lazy to go to a different room.  I can assure you that it is the most predictable piece of shit on television.  Everything ALWAYS works out for this awful family.  Lauren Graham and Dax Shepard need to die via AIDS bomb.

Dave Hester, Storage Wars - I'm not mad that this asshole quit the show and is screaming about how fake it is.  I'm mad because he assumes that people didn't already know that.  Why would a lady who collects cat hair also have African art from the 16th century?  It's still entertaining in spite of the YUUUUUUPs.

Frank Gallagher, Shameless - I think that Shameless is terrific but the patriarch of the family is so ridiculously unlikeable.  I did enjoy him giving Valium to an Asian Down's baby though.  That is solid parenting!

As you can see, I need a new hobby. But since I don’t see it as a problem, fuck you for judging me. I got into it over FB with Brady and Grumpy the other night because they are drinking all the jizz out of Kevin Bacon’s dick over The Following on Fox. As I told them, it’s OK. It isn’t great. Let’s see how they develop things. Anyone can make a great pilot. However, I do like how some guy in a Ron Jeremy mask (let me think this, it makes literature references more fun if I feel like the main villain is a big fan of Ron’s autobiography) is lighting random people on fire! My recommendation is just to proceed with caution. Better shows with better casts and better pilots weren’t able to get a second season. If there is one thing that I’ve learned other than everything on CBS not reality-based being SHIT, it is to never get attached to shows on network television.

TV! And things we hate about it! Discuss.  In conclusion, Grumpy is a huge fan of The Big Bang Theory.  BAZINGA FAG!

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Does Skip Bayless count?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Great topic. Couldn't agree more about Jack McBrayer. And the lack of Hornberger has depressed me deeply this season.

I like Joel McHale, so I have zero problem. Aside from his blatant racism, I found Chevy Chase to be wasy more annoying.

I am physically unable to say anything negative about Archer.

Manny Delgado (spic actor) needs to top this list. He is the worst.

Catelyn Stark. The worst of all House Stark. Joffrey 4 lyfe though.

Ill see your Quinn and raise you Deb.

Couldn't agree more with Margaret Schroeder. Just kill her.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I think Quinn was rather useful until the beginning of the sixth season. He had good dinamics both with Dexter and Debra. Since then the writers do not seem to have any idea what do do with him so they make him hang out with random stripers. And yeah, I agree, Harrington should reprise his role as Icepick Nix. He shined in that role.

MUDawgfan said...

Downton Abbey is a great show and I have absolutely no idea why. I started crushing episodes on Netflix this weekend and and am almost through season one. The bitter old granny is the best.

Two 30 Rock Characters who I never cared for:

The nerdy black writer from Harvard (forget his name) and Jack's gay Indian Admin. Both useless.

I gotta get on the Homeland bandwagon - fuck I'm behind on
good shows!

Zero Dark 30 is overrated

GMoney said...

Ide, I strongly considered Deb as you know how much I hate her but at least she serves a purpose. Quinn provides nothing. NOTHING!

Pete Hornberger is indeed vastly underrated. I LOL'ed hard when he was in Loverboy.

I didn't put anyone from Game of Thrones on here because they all have their charm although Catelyn is probably the worst.

Thank God another male out there watches Downton Abbey. I was beginning to think that I was the only one. It is great. Matthew and Mary will never stop being nauseating. I would do horrible things to Anna the maid.

GMoney said...

Also: I am well aware that I watch too much TV. No need to keep beating that drum.

Grumpy said...

Shelia on Shameless is the worst. Joan Cusack just makes my skin crawl.

Frank Gallagher is a great character.

G$ proclaiming his straightness is LOLZ.

The Following threw the FBI a nice curve ball Sunday. All the previous victims were women (with the exception of the prison guards who had to die for Carroll to escape); now they throw in a random man on the street being set on fire. The scope is expanding. Brady and I get that.

Zero Dark 30 was tremendous. The first 30 minutes and the last 30 minutes are intense.

Mr. Ace said...

This post makes me feel alot better about cancelling my cable now that football season is over. You're all gayer than a wheatgrass and soy smoothie.

The nerdy black writer from 39 Rock who is also on Community is probably one of the top 5 rappers out right now. Childish Gambino. That's about all I have to contribute to this post.

Troll Hunter us the best foreign movie I have ever seen. One of my favorite regardless of language.

GMoney said...

You're right about Sheila. Her whore daughter needs to come back and be a whore. Frank lost me when he called child services on his own family. Weak sauce. His love of Old Style is pretty incredible though.

Introducing the Ron Jeremy Killer on The Following was a nice decision.

When you watch a drama about British "royalty" on PBS, you need to remind everyone that you are no sexually challenged American.

GMoney said...

The nerdy black writer from 39 Rock who is also on Community is probably one of the top 5 rappers out right now.

These are not the same people. If you watched more TV, you would know that. Go read a book, butt pirate.

Ace said...

Winner, me. I have never seen 30 Rock. However, Donald Glover, who I am pretty sure is an actor on Community, is a writer for 30 Rock. I was taking a shot. How many nerdy black guy writers can there be?

GMoney said...

There is a nerdy black writer who is a character on the show (Two-fer...or something like that that Dawg referenced earlier). That is who you were referring to and they are not the same person. I win because you didn't clarify.

And Childish Gambino isn't that great. He is no Insane Clown Posse.

Prime99 said...

CBS is pretty bad overall but Person of Interest is solid. Jesus as a rogue vigilante? What's not to like?

Deb is AWFUL. I get that she serves a point (to be creepily sexually attracted to Dexter and murderers) but she's the worst.

Cray cray Ricktator is the man though they will have to bring him back to some degree.

Don't nobody say nuthin' bad ''bout Game of Thrones!

You watch all these shows and never picked up Lost back in the day? C'mon man!

GMoney said...

I don't usually go for network dramas due to poor success records. If it's on cable, I'm in because it will get a full season. Hell, the last two network dramas that I watched and liked were Alcatraz and Last Resort and neither one made it past 13 episodes.

Anonymous said...

Ape...you are a huge fucking loser for not having cable. That's something a home school parent would do.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I can watch any television show I want for fucking free with the internet. ANY FUCKING SHOW!!! I don't, because I just don't get interested in television series' very often, but I could and so could any of you. But feel free to call me dumb while you shell out $100 a month for what I get for free.

GMoney said...

Go eat some grass clippings, hippie.

Mr. Ace said...

That's for dinner. I just had brown sugar granola and organic blueberries with almond milk.

Has anybody watched The Burn on Comedy Central? Pretty good stuff. It doesn't have characters, though.

Timothy W. said...

Anybody checking out the upcoming spring lineup on LOGO?

Prime99 said...

Does Ray Lewis count in this awful TV characters category?

Ice Man said...

Not having cable is so fucking dumb. Bragging about it is even worse. I bet you don't watch any movies post 1960 you hipster faggot. "I can watch any TV show I want for free but I don't. Because I don't watch TV. Because I would rather knit or curl up with a nice book." What a retarded life choice to make.

GMoney said...

Uncle T is a big fan of The L Word and The New Normal. I'm sure that he loves Girls, too.

Thank you, Iceman, Ape is a hipster. Basically, that dick is saying "I do not enjoy being entertained".

Anonymous said...

I would like to see all of the gypsy methods Ape would have to go through to prove that he can watxh any show or sporting event at it's original airing time.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I guess I am not some mouth breather who can watch episode after episode after episode of television. I'm sure your television experiences are life-changing.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE THIS MUCH TIME TO WATCH THIS MUCH TV? 50 shows on season pass? That's fucking absurd. Your time would be better served watching porn. Which isn't even brought up. How do you have time to watch porn AND 50 fucking tv series? 30%, at least, of your waking life is sitting in front of a TV. Which hey, whatever floats your boat, but that sounds crazy to me.

I am currently reading "Quiet. The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking." Top Shelf.

Lol if you think you can't watch anything on the internet. I can certainly see any sporting event that would be broadcast on TV, and some that aren't. I have watched the Walking Dead for the past year like that, while it is airing on TV. Sure, for some different series' you might have to wait until the end of the episode, but just wait an extra hour and that shit is readily available for FREE!

Jeff said...

I partially agree with Ape here. I don't have enough time to watch all these shows, but then again I do find myself wasting time watching meaningless sporting events. And you can watch pretty much any sporting event in the world live on the internet.

I watched the first season of Homeland. Good show and Mike BangingMrsBrody is a grade A doucher.

GMoney said...

The better question is "How do you NOT have time?" I work from 8-5. I go to the gym for an hour and have dinner. I'm on the internet for an hour. By 8 pm, I don't particularly want to converse with the missus anymore. I go to bed at 12-12:30. What else am I supposed to do between 8 and midnight, tough guy?

TV. That is the answer. 50 sounds worse than it is. It basically breaks down to 3-4 progriiiiiims per night throughout the year. I must be constantly entertained.

Mr. Ace said...

I certainly waste time watching/reading dumb shit on the internet or on tv. That happens. I don't have any desire to follow any of those shows, and I don't have the time anyways. Not going to bore you with my schedule, but finishing up gradschool/internship/counseling kids/new home doesn't leave a whole lot of time for much other than drinking...heavily.

And you really stay up til 12-12:30 every night? I bet Grumpy and I have the same bed times.

Anonymous said...

I stay up until midnight almost every weeknight and I wake up at six every morning.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Haha Ape is poor and can't afford cable. Toledo grads, amirite?

Ide

Ice Man said...

Lets get to the real root or the issue here. It sounds like Ace is that cheap ass who refuses to pay for cable then conjures up some ridiculous notion to otherwise justify his decision. Like...I don't have time for TV. I bet you also empty multiple tortilla chip baskets into your wife's purse before leaving Mexican restaurants. Everyone has time for TV. Every show people watch airs one episode a week. Thats how people watch multiple shows per week. They watch shows that play on different days. You can't carve 1 hour out of each day to watch one TV show?? Your life is that chaotic???

Mr. Ace said...

I am sure I could. But again, don't really want to. There no night where I am guaranteed ti be home before 9. I usually am, but not always.

Cable is just a distraction to me. I would rather not pay money for a distraction. When I can get the same fucking shit for FREE!!!

Drew, I could never do that. I got like 4 hours of sleep Monday night. And was in bed at 10 on Tuesday night. My body gets its 8 hours whether I like it or not.

GMoney said...

Where the fuck is Buke at? I catered today's post specifically for him. You can talk shit about my viewing habits but that guy probably has 75-80 shows on the season pass.

Please someone agree with me that Hank Moody is fucking shit.

Grumpy said...

Yes, Ace and I have the same bed time, just different beds. Clarity being important here.

GMoney said...

Thanks for clearing that up. For a second I thought that you two spooned nightly. Ape looks like a power bottom.

Does anyone watch Happy Endings? I got into it via DVD over the past few months and it's pretty good (although probably will get canceled soon). I never thought that Kim Bauer would be capable of doing comedy. The cougars must have finally stopped chasing her.

Anonymous said...

Great post G$. I tend to agree with most of your least favorites...however, I think you should be posting about the excellence of television, not the Rbar of characters.

"My cousin Tim fixes NBA games" still, possibly the funniest line in network tv history!

I don't have an exact #, but I think I have probably have 50 season passes too. Let's go positive and give our top 5-10 tv characters.....

Ronnie Gardocki, Vic Mackey, Cleetus Van Damme, Big John Kavanaugh....The Shield mos def has the Elitest of the Elite of characters. Jack Bauer (24),Raylan & Boyd (Justified), Omar(Wire), Sylvio (Soprano's), Moe, Dr. Nick, Burns (Simpsons) to name a few. We need to be celebrating television, not pander to douchers (Ape) who ridicule those of us that make 2.5-3 hours of tv watching (non-sports) possible every night.

Steve Sanders 90210, probably #1, correct Damman?

I can't believe you didn't mention Audrey from 24. She might have been worse than everyone else ever mentioned on this site. Does Bo Ryan count? He looks like a cartoon character, not like my dad.

"The Following" has a chance to be the best network tv drama since 24.

TV/FX Junkies- how intrigued/excited are you about "The Americans" which premieres tonight?

Television is still the greatest medium.
Ape Sucks

Buke

GMoney said...

Bo Ryan IS your father. DEAL WITH IT!

I stayed true to the rule that the series still has to be on. Audrey will always hold a special place in my asshole.

This site is much better with hate than it is love.

AJ Soprano and Dani StupidbitchfromTheShield are still the first couple of terrible TV characters.

Prime99 said...

I watch Happy Endings. Pretty funny stuff! Though Casey Wilson should be added to you most awful list.

Jake Montrose is the best.

GMoney said...

I was unprepared to like Damon Wayans Jr as much as I do. That cat is hilarious.

Prime99 said...

Plus he's a black guy who is married to a white woman, and acts like a white guy! It's the perfect move for a sitcom!

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Therese said...

Pam. You hate, PAM. Pam the bare knuckle badass fighter. Pam with "The Destruction of Sennacherib" by Lord Byron scrawled on her back along with her body count. Pam the drift car racer. Pam the sexual demon. Pam the unflappable, the awesome...the...ok. Phew. Ok. I mean, she's no Kreiger, but wow. PAM!