Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Anyway, I hate the idea of no more 30 Rock and since I’m in the mood to hate, how about I got through my series pass list and start identifying the characters on shows that I hate the most? Obviously, Lori Grimes tops a list like this all day every day but she’s dead now (YES!) so she didn’t make the cut. And OBZ no one can ever out-annoy AJ Soprano and Dani from The Shield but we must move on. These fuckers come in no particular order but when I get to my most hated, you will know:
Andy Bernard, The Office – He has always been pointless and annoying. I don’t even know what the point of him is anymore. I am hoping that he dies at sea before this show ends in a few months because he deserves to die. Also: Erin the secretary is fucking terrible.
April Ludgate, Parks and Rec – Some people on the intertubes actually think that Aubrey Plaza is cute and funny. I have no idea how this is possible. She has never made me laugh because I find hipster losers to be hipster losers. Although she did give Orrin and Ron seems to like her so whatever.
Margaret Thompson, Boardwalk Empire – Stop talking like an idiot and start speaking ‘merican! She is such a wet blanket that constantly tries to ruin the show for me. It is not working.
Mike BangingMrsBrody, Homeland – This guy is just a dumbass. He blows in every scene but at least he has a bitchin’ car! I also want to mention that I LOVE Brody’s dumb son. He never says anything important but always gets a line or two in per episode that makes no sense like “Hey mom, they have big TVs in every room!” or “Wizards beat the Heat tonight, Dad!” His pointlessness is major LULZ. Don't ever change, Brody's kid.
Jeff Winger, Community – I hate him. I hate the character and I hate Joel McHale. I have never found either to be remotely funny. Community gets a lot of love from dipshits on the internet but it is OVERRATED. Yeah, I said it. That’s probably because the lead actor is an insufferable douche lord.
Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family – I don’t even know why I watch this anymore. It is terrible. Deep down, I like to think that one day we're going to get a Sofia Vergara nip slip or that the mom and hot daughter are going to start scissoring or something. This gay ginger doesn’t help. I would also like to see someone murder Manny.
Gemma Teller, Sons of Anarchy – Her gruff and tough exterior pisses me off so much. When she tries to bully someone, I just roll my eyes. This is the same woman that bawled like a little bitch after a Nazi-rape! Katey Sagal is not a good actress. Maybe it’s the writing on the show, but her motives never make any sense. A lot people like to dump on Tara for dragging down the show but Mama Bear is way worse.
Michonne, The Walking Dead – How about another emotion besides “pissed off militant black chick”? You think you could try a new reaction out? Hines Ward is now on this list as well.
Det. Joe Quinn, Dexter – Now that LaGuerta is dead (SPOILER!), Quinn takes the role of “most pointless character” on this increasingly terrible show that should have wrapped up 3 years ago. Tell me, Dexter fans, what does Quinn do? He should just go back to Justified and be Ice Pick which was an ELITE role. I was debating internally if Batista was more worthless but he now takes the role of over-pronouncing Mexican words.
Hank Moody, Californication – This is the guy. This is #1 on my list of the characters I hate most on shows that I watch. I hate him so much. He is such a hypocrite and a condescending douche bag that it drives me nuts. How many more seasons are you going to try and win your wife and daughter back only to nail some whore and get caught? They have literally been running the same story for 3 years now. As I said during my mini Modern Family rant, I have no idea why I watch this show any more. I HATE HANK MOODY.
Pam Poovey, Archer – I loathe everything about this animated character. The rest of Archer is outstanding.
Lady Mary Crawley, Downton Abbey – I don’t care if I’m the only straight man who watches this show, it is terrific. Lady Mary is a total box though. How could they kill off the insanely sexy Sybil and let that bitch stick around to annoy me? Edith > Mary
Everyone on Parenthood but Craig T. Nelson - This is one of those shows that I watch because the wife likes it and I'm too lazy to go to a different room. I can assure you that it is the most predictable piece of shit on television. Everything ALWAYS works out for this awful family. Lauren Graham and Dax Shepard need to die via AIDS bomb.
Dave Hester, Storage Wars - I'm not mad that this asshole quit the show and is screaming about how fake it is. I'm mad because he assumes that people didn't already know that. Why would a lady who collects cat hair also have African art from the 16th century? It's still entertaining in spite of the YUUUUUUPs.
Frank Gallagher, Shameless - I think that Shameless is terrific but the patriarch of the family is so ridiculously unlikeable. I did enjoy him giving Valium to an Asian Down's baby though. That is solid parenting!
As you can see, I need a new hobby. But since I don’t see it as a problem, fuck you for judging me. I got into it over FB with Brady and Grumpy the other night because they are drinking all the jizz out of Kevin Bacon’s dick over The Following on Fox. As I told them, it’s OK. It isn’t great. Let’s see how they develop things. Anyone can make a great pilot. However, I do like how some guy in a Ron Jeremy mask (let me think this, it makes literature references more fun if I feel like the main villain is a big fan of Ron’s autobiography) is lighting random people on fire! My recommendation is just to proceed with caution. Better shows with better casts and better pilots weren’t able to get a second season. If there is one thing that I’ve learned other than everything on CBS not reality-based being SHIT, it is to never get attached to shows on network television.
TV! And things we hate about it! Discuss. In conclusion, Grumpy is a huge fan of The Big Bang Theory. BAZINGA FAG!