Tuesday, January 08, 2013
HOOOOO WEEEEEE MOTHERFUCKERS! Can you feel it in your fucking bones? The Iceman is back after a 2 week holiday hiatus! Yeah...I know you missed me like a prostate exam. What better way to get back into the swing of things than a live blog of what should be a blood bath? I picked Notre Dame to cover in this one but I'm begging for the Irish to get massacred despite that. Because murderers should not be allowed to call themselves a champion. They should get hollowed out in a prison cell by a black man with a sex pole matching the girth of a tennis ball can. Two things before we start:
First, Future Mrs. Ice and myself recently decided to upgrade couches. Or davenport as Grumpy surely calls it. Lemme tell you something about the chase lounge sectional. Mag-fucking-nificent. The man responsible for this luscious product needs to be constantly fellated by a sea of dick sucking professionals. It's like I'm laying on a surface made out of naked fake tits with tiny tit fingers that constantly massage my butt cheeks. Fake tits are soft, right? Ehh. Doesn't matter because fake tits are awesome and so is this fucking couch. I could seriously live on this thing.
Second. The amount of tears being shed on Facebook by Buckeye fans is both hysterical and pathetic. The ring leader is none other than our own commenter Brady. Just a bunch of sad, shit sacks bitching like 6th grade girls. You aren't playing in this game because you're a bunch of fucking cheaters. DEAL WITH IT! Let's get started.
7:38 - Barrett Jones plays the violin. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!! I'm sure that bit won't come back to haunt you in the pros. "Play that faggy violin again, rookie biatch! Now drink my piss."
7:44 - Merton Hanks has nothing on T.J. Yeldon's giraffe neck. He needs a Jeremy Cullen neck roll. (ELITE Napoleon reference?)
7:58 - Lee Corso's eyes are dangerously close to each other. In other news...Lee Corso doesn't know where he's at and wants a Pop Tart so he can try to wrap it around his boner.
8:05 - Nice pathetic shot of a Notre Dame student praying inside some medieval structure. It looks dark and a perfect spot to rape boys in the name of God while attempting to bribe Him into granting an undeserved title.
8:09 - What the shit is Urban Meyer doing on the set? He picked Notre Dame like a fucking twat. Of course he would...of course he would.
8:14 - National Anthem time. Fuck it up fuck it up fuck it up fuck it up fuck it up!!! DAMN IT!!! Okay Zac Brown Band. That was actually pretty good. Zac Brown Band...sounds like a group Ide would love.
8:22 - ELITE shot of Alabama #65's fat black belly. That was.........odd. I'm incredibly confused by this move. WHY DID THEY SHOW ME THAT?!?!?!
8:25 - McCarron is pure shit but you HAVE to respect that guy's ability to shred southern snatch. And WHAT THE FUCK???? Sir Alabama Black Belly is not only a captain but still showing off his bag of lard at the coin flip. What a disgusting power move.
8:28 - SHHHHHHH!!! Brian Kelly is about to give detailed instructions on how to get away with murder. "We gotta stop the run" is code for "My thirst for murder is unquenchable."
8:30 - KICKOFF!! Roll Damn Tide up first.
8:32 - If McCarron is making throws like that Notre Dame is in some pretty deep shit tonight. Notre Dame is showcasing their ability to move Alabama down the field with self inflicted wounds. PS: Eddie Lacy is a sturdy moose with beefy haunches. 7-0 Bama.
8:40 - Notre Dame's turn. HAHAHA! Good luck you fuckin Freshman. You're about to find out what the inside of your own butthole tastes like. I'm not entirely sure if the college football and NFL rules are the same or not...but that was the correct call on the incomplete pass. Plus Notre Dame should never get the benefit of the doubt on anything. Punt.
8:46: FUMBLE!!! Notre Dame got massively screwed there on that interference call. My dick just got hard. Meanwhile Lacy continues to savagely abuse this defense. Yet another first down.
8:51 - At some point today someone needs to find and give me the fucking explanation of why the fuck Captain Alabama Black Belly keeps his shirt up like that. For my sanity. Someone also please explain why Lacy wasn't mentioned in the Heisman race this year.
8:55 - You just let McCarron drop a TD on you. LOLZ! Cue the blowout music. 14-0.
8:58 - FUMBLE!!!!!!!!!! This should be reversed. And it is. Good job, Zebra. Notre Dame gets their first first down.
9:02 - Tweet of the night so far goes to @PretendLouHoltz "I'm so mad right now I can talk straight!" Twitter gold.
9:04 - After a run stuff and two pin point throws to the Gatorade cooler, Notre Dame gives it back with their mouths open to get another score rammed home.
9:05 - If you need Musburger or Herbstreit they'll be cranking each other's dongs in the booth to images of A.J. McCarron's girlfriend. I think they both simultaneously creamed their shorts after checking her out. Talk about a hilariously embarrassing moment. But in their defense, she is fuckin slammin.
9:15 - Yeldon tastes the end zone as he carries a Heisman finalist in with him. Good news for Te'o is he still gets credit for the tackle. This is fucking genocide. And it couldn't have happened to a more deserving asshole. 21-0.
9:21 - New leader in the Hilarious Tweets clubhouse from KSK's xmasape: "Musburger subscribes to the rapegaze genre of sports announcing." Beautiful. Oh yeah...Bama has the ball back after an ELITE moonball from Golson falls incomplete on 4th down. I'm pretty sure I heard him yell "5 bucks!!" as he lofted it. I'm telling you right now if this gets any worse I'm stopping at half time.
9:25 - Bama punts for the first time with 11 minutes left in the 2nd quarter. FUMBLE!!!!! Notre Dame retains possession...but let's be for realsies. They're giving it right back in 4 plays...okay 4 plays after that Riddick run. Is it possible to see Tommy Rees next series? God, I hope so. He's probably drunk on the sideline.
9:34 - Thanks for showing Clowney fucking exploding Vincent Smith's brain matter all over the field again. I think Vince is still learning how to use a spoon as we speak.
9:36 - Bama driving again but gives the ball back on an incomplete heave to the endzone. A real man would have laid out for that bomb. That was very Randy Moss of you, Cooper. We're about to see Brian Kelly murder another human. Whoever that choad is returning punts for ND is about to experience the cold steel of Brian Kelly's hunting knife. Way to bury your team. Still no Tommy Riesling.
9:43 - Notre Dame is finally putting together something that resembles a drive. Uhhh, nevermind. Premature evaluation. ELITE erectile dysfunction joke!
9:48 - Alabama looks to extend this lead going into the half. LIVE BLOG UPDATE! This game isn't worth continuing into the second half. It's fucking over as Te'o misses another tackle. Some Weisman winner he is!
9:54 - Bama knocking on the door again after a drop in the bucket from A.J. McHotPussySlayer. First and goal...Lacy is a dirty motherfucker and I'm not sure if I've seen a more sickening spin move in my life. It reminded me of Neal Anderson from Madden '92. Smash that "C" button. 28-0.
9:57 - And we close the half in fitting fashion. Another shot of McCarron's hot ass girlfriend as Musburger does his best to restrain himself from any sexually harassing comments.
10:00 - Halftime. Someone put Notre Dame out of their misery, please. You can tell in that interview that Brian Kelly is about to verbally fucking unload on someone shortly.
Well, that's all you're getting from me tonight, ladies. This game turned out to be quite the turd in the end pending a miraculous fucking comeback from the Notre Dame Murdering Irish. Last year's NCG was a snooze fest FG kicking expose' and this year is a humiliating butt mashing. Can't wait to hear all the cunt mouthed Ohio fans talking complete nonsense about how they would have kept it closer had the NCAA NOT HOSED THEM OUT OF A CHANCE TO PLAY IN THIS GAME! RECOGNIZE THE SCREW JOB ALREADY, AMERICA!!! Brady is going to be the worst today. Just know that going in.