Tuesday, January 08, 2013

College Football: NCG Edition

             You really didn't think God would allow this asshole to win, did you?

HOOOOO WEEEEEE MOTHERFUCKERS!  Can you feel it in your fucking bones?  The Iceman is back after a 2 week holiday hiatus!  Yeah...I know you missed me like a prostate exam.  What better way to get back into the swing of things than a live blog of what should be a blood bath?  I picked Notre Dame to cover in this one but I'm begging for the Irish to get massacred despite that.  Because murderers should not be allowed to call themselves a champion.  They should get hollowed out in a prison cell by a black man with a sex pole matching the girth of a tennis ball can.  Two things before we start:

First, Future Mrs. Ice and myself recently decided to upgrade couches.  Or davenport as Grumpy surely calls it.  Lemme tell you something about the chase lounge sectional.  Mag-fucking-nificent.  The man responsible for this luscious product needs to be constantly fellated by a sea of dick sucking professionals.  It's like I'm laying on a surface made out of naked fake tits with tiny tit fingers that constantly massage my butt cheeks.  Fake tits are soft, right?  Ehh.  Doesn't matter because fake tits are awesome and so is this fucking couch.  I could seriously live on this thing.

Second.  The amount of tears being shed on Facebook by Buckeye fans is both hysterical and pathetic.  The ring leader is none other than our own commenter Brady.  Just a bunch of sad, shit sacks bitching like 6th grade girls.  You aren't playing in this game because you're a bunch of fucking cheaters.  DEAL WITH IT!  Let's get started.

7:38 - Barrett Jones plays the violin.  FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!  I'm sure that bit won't come back to haunt you in the pros.  "Play that faggy violin again, rookie biatch!  Now drink my piss."

7:44 - Merton Hanks has nothing on T.J. Yeldon's giraffe neck.  He needs a Jeremy Cullen neck roll.  (ELITE Napoleon reference?)

7:58 - Lee Corso's eyes are dangerously close to each other.  In other news...Lee Corso doesn't know where he's at and wants a Pop Tart so he can try to wrap it around his boner.

8:05 - Nice pathetic shot of a Notre Dame student praying inside some medieval structure.  It looks dark and a perfect spot to rape boys in the name of God while attempting to bribe Him into granting an undeserved title.

8:09 - What the shit is Urban Meyer doing on the set?  He picked Notre Dame like a fucking twat.  Of course he would...of course he would.

8:14 - National Anthem time.  Fuck it up fuck it up fuck it up fuck it up fuck it up!!!  DAMN IT!!!  Okay Zac Brown Band.  That was actually pretty good.  Zac Brown Band...sounds like a group Ide would love.

8:22 - ELITE shot of Alabama #65's fat black belly.  That was.........odd.  I'm incredibly confused by this move.  WHY DID THEY SHOW ME THAT?!?!?!

8:25 - McCarron is pure shit but you HAVE to respect that guy's ability to shred southern snatch.  And WHAT THE FUCK????  Sir Alabama Black Belly is not only a captain but still showing off his bag of lard at the coin flip.  What a disgusting power move.

8:28 - SHHHHHHH!!!  Brian Kelly is about to give detailed instructions on how to get away with murder.  "We gotta stop the run" is code for "My thirst for murder is unquenchable."

8:30 - KICKOFF!!  Roll Damn Tide up first.

8:32 - If McCarron is making throws like that Notre Dame is in some pretty deep shit tonight.  Notre Dame is showcasing their ability to move Alabama down the field with self inflicted wounds.  PS:  Eddie Lacy is a sturdy moose with beefy haunches.  7-0 Bama.

8:40 - Notre Dame's turn.  HAHAHA!  Good luck you fuckin Freshman.  You're about to find out what the inside of your own butthole tastes like.  I'm not entirely sure if the college football and NFL rules are the same or not...but that was the correct call on the incomplete pass.  Plus Notre Dame should never get the benefit of the doubt on anything.  Punt.

8:46:  FUMBLE!!!  Notre Dame got massively screwed there on that interference call.  My dick just got hard.  Meanwhile Lacy continues to savagely abuse this defense.  Yet another first down.

8:51 - At some point today someone needs to find and give me the fucking explanation of why the fuck Captain Alabama Black Belly keeps his shirt up like that.  For my sanity.  Someone also please explain why Lacy wasn't mentioned in the Heisman race this year.

8:55 - You just let McCarron drop a TD on you.  LOLZ!  Cue the blowout music.  14-0.

8:58 - FUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!  This should be reversed.  And it is.  Good job, Zebra.  Notre Dame gets their first first down.

9:02 - Tweet of the night so far goes to @PretendLouHoltz "I'm so mad right now I can talk straight!"  Twitter gold.

9:04 - After a run stuff and two pin point throws to the Gatorade cooler, Notre Dame gives it back with their mouths open to get another score rammed home.

9:05 - If you need Musburger or Herbstreit they'll be cranking each other's dongs in the booth to images of A.J. McCarron's girlfriend.  I think they both simultaneously creamed their shorts after checking her out.  Talk about a hilariously embarrassing moment.  But in their defense, she is fuckin slammin.

9:15 - Yeldon tastes the end zone as he carries a Heisman finalist in with him.  Good news for Te'o is he still gets credit for the tackle.  This is fucking genocide.  And it couldn't have happened to a more deserving asshole.  21-0.

9:21 - New leader in the Hilarious Tweets clubhouse from KSK's xmasape: "Musburger subscribes to the rapegaze genre of sports announcing."  Beautiful.  Oh yeah...Bama has the ball back after an ELITE moonball from Golson falls incomplete on 4th down.  I'm pretty sure I heard him yell "5 bucks!!" as he lofted it.  I'm telling you right now if this gets any worse I'm stopping at half time.

9:25 - Bama punts for the first time with 11 minutes left in the 2nd quarter.  FUMBLE!!!!!  Notre Dame retains possession...but let's be for realsies.  They're giving it right back in 4 plays...okay 4 plays after that Riddick run.  Is it possible to see Tommy Rees next series?  God, I hope so.  He's probably drunk on the sideline.

9:34 - Thanks for showing Clowney fucking exploding Vincent Smith's brain matter all over the field again.  I think Vince is still learning how to use a spoon as we speak.

9:36 - Bama driving again but gives the ball back on an incomplete heave to the endzone.  A real man would have laid out for that bomb.  That was very Randy Moss of you, Cooper.  We're about to see Brian Kelly murder another human.  Whoever that choad is returning punts for ND is about to experience the cold steel of Brian Kelly's hunting knife.  Way to bury your team.  Still no Tommy Riesling.

9:43 - Notre Dame is finally putting together something that resembles a drive.  Uhhh, nevermind.  Premature evaluation.  ELITE erectile dysfunction joke!

9:48 - Alabama looks to extend this lead going into the half.  LIVE BLOG UPDATE!  This game isn't worth continuing into the second half.  It's fucking over as Te'o misses another tackle.  Some Weisman winner he is!

9:54 - Bama knocking on the door again after a drop in the bucket from A.J. McHotPussySlayer.  First and goal...Lacy is a dirty motherfucker and I'm not sure if I've seen a more sickening spin move in my life.  It reminded me of Neal Anderson from Madden '92.  Smash that "C" button.  28-0.

9:57 - And we close the half in fitting fashion.  Another shot of McCarron's hot ass girlfriend as Musburger does his best to restrain himself from any sexually harassing comments.

10:00 - Halftime.  Someone put Notre Dame out of their misery, please.  You can tell in that interview that Brian Kelly is about to verbally fucking unload on someone shortly.

Well, that's all you're getting from me tonight, ladies.  This game turned out to be quite the turd in the end pending a miraculous fucking comeback from the Notre Dame Murdering Irish.  Last year's NCG was a snooze fest FG kicking expose' and this year is a humiliating butt mashing.  Can't wait to hear all the cunt mouthed Ohio fans talking complete nonsense about how they would have kept it closer had the NCAA NOT HOSED THEM OUT OF A CHANCE TO PLAY IN THIS GAME!  RECOGNIZE THE SCREW JOB ALREADY, AMERICA!!!  Brady is going to be the worst today.  Just know that going in.


Anonymous said...

G$ is the worst at picking Wiseman's.

I think I speak for everyone when I say the best part of this day is motherfucking Justified is back on.

lols ND and all that.


Grumpy said...

I thought Kelly's head was going to explode.

Nate said...

As a Buckeye fan, I'm willing to admit I'm somewhat relieved at how this year played out for us.

Finishing undefeated going into recruiting season, along with getting one more year to stockpile talent before having to go up against SEC champions is the best outcome we could have hoped for in year one.

Had we been put up against Alabama, I could see us holding Lacy and Yeldon to 150 total yards, but McCarron probably would have lit us up for 300+ yards with at least 4 TD's.

I could see our offense putting up good yardage, just with poor red zone % and plenty of turnovers.

Anonymous said...

Bama was amazing...ND not so much.

Lacy is going to be a very good NFL back. Amazing to think...they have had Ingram, Richardson, Lacy and now Yeldon.

I enjoyed Musbergers creepiness.

I also enjoyed the anger from Michigan fans...like Iceman....that Urban was on the set. He's already soooooooo in your heads. Crazy that they would want a 2 time national champion head coach on their set for a NCG..just crazy. So in your heads.


Ice Man said...

Nate. Please stop. I can't handle this today. There's no way in fucking hell a defense that struggles with making tackles holds those 2 to 150 total rushing yards.

Horny Brent Musberger said...

You are looking LIIIIIIIVE at my throbbing old man erection and will soon be staring deep into the pool of ejaculate that I unload into my belly button. I can't stop thinking about that threesome with AJ's mom and Miss Alabama. What do you think, Kirk? Jimmy The Greek would have been fist deep in that.

MUDawgfan said...

I could see us holding Lacy and Yeldon to 150 total yards

Gentlemen - you will not read a more ridiculous statement on the internet today. This from the team that was torched by Cal's RB.

Perhaps 250 yards total is a reasonable goal.

GMoney said...

If you thought that Te'o was bad (and he most definitely was...probably because he wasn't fully opening his eyes), just imagine how much worse it would have been for the completely inferior in every way Ryan Shazier?

No Cullen reference is ELITE unless it is talking about his death.

Play Like A Champion? More like Play Like A Big Ten Team.


GMoney said...

Dawg, do you expect anything less than that absurdity?

Jeff said...

Fucking machine. It's all about winning in the trenches. Bama executes on offense flawlessly. That OLine is ridiculous and then you add Lacy and Yeldon behind it, straight HAM. The WRs catch everything and McCarron put it on the money every time. I can see Amari Cooper being a top 5 WR in the NFL, dude is nasty. Their D is pretty good too, especially since their LBs ran free all night cause ND line couldn't get to second level.

Playoffs might be the end of this dynasty. 40 days to prepare for semis and then 1 week for NCG....

Ice Man said...

"Dawg, do you expect anything less than that absurdity?"

Just wait until Brady shows up...

Urban Meyer said...

Remember when I picked Notre Dame to win last night? LOL! I'm such a homer.

Anonymous said...

Its funny Bama gets two consecutive titles, being in two titles games they should not have been in (Last year should have been Oak State, and this year with the OSU argument, and that fact that Oregon/K State losses where unexpected in the fashion they were).

But its pretty evident, if we weren't getting a play-off (thank god), they wouldn't leave the SEC champ out of this game until they lost one. So IF OSU wants to play the IF scenario, ask yourself if you wanted to play 'Bama last night?

The answer is no.

Which should back up Ide's (and every other buckeyes thoughts that this was better for recruiting anyway). So there is no argument.

In comes Nick Damman. Who thinks they should have been playing.....maybe ND. But we all know if a title was possible, anOSU would have blown a game somewhere in there. Argument over, you can't create this fake scenario just because you went undefeated.....there was no PRESSURE!

- J Saul

Prime99 said...

Notre Dame stood on a video tower yesterday and Alabama was the very strong wind that knocked them to the ground.

OSU would've been dominated in similar fashion. Alabama are rednecks, but they good.

Brady said...

Shazier is twice the linebacker that Teo is! There is no way he misses tackles and blows assignments like that dipshit Did last night. the Buckeyes aren't winning that game but they sure as shit aren't getting blown out like that.

GMoney said...

I haven't seen an Irishman fall on their face like that since Declan Sullivan.

I haven't seen an Irishman take it up the ass and die like that since Elizabeth Seeburg.

And that will do it for my tasteless jokes for the day. You've got admit, those were beautiful.

GMoney said...

Brady, there is no way to prove that ever and yes they would have. Ohio State is only competitive against the SEC when they play losers that should be suspended and take advantage of Ryan Mallet's illiteracy.

Te'o is a billion pineapples better than Shazier because I said so.

Horny Brent Musberger said...

Just woke up after a night on South Beach partying with the Tide. Couldn't figure out why Little Brent was covered in blood until I saw the dead hookers on the floor. Heh, the maid is going to have fun with this!

Nate said...

I don't think my post is that far off.

Our run defense matched up pretty well with pro-style offenses. See Leveon Bell - 45 rushing yards.

Against spread offenses, I agree - the run defense was pathetic.

I made it very clear in my post, that McCarron would have eaten OSU alive.

Nowhere did I even state OSU would hang in there with Alabama score-wise. All I said was OSU would likely have forced Alabama to throw, and we would have lost as a result of it.

GMoney said...

Nate, just admit that you were wearing your Ohio State-colored glasses when you posted early this morning.

Anonymous said...

I was simply stating the fact that had OSU been eligible this year, they probably would have been in the game last night instead of Alabama. I don't think a 1 loss SEC team would have made it over an undefeated BCS conference champ no from the Big East. I wasn't trying to start a facebook firestorm.

It makes it interesting to think about if Bama would have gotten the nod over the undefeated Bucks. We'll obviously never know and the playoffs are coming so it eliminate most of controveries, but not all.


Ice Man said...

Nate. Going into that game Notre Dame had the 4th ranked rush defense in the country and Alabama ran through them all game at will. What in the hell makes you think Ohio's rush defense (ranked lower) would have done any better than that? Because they match up better with pro-style offenses? That's what you're giving me? To put Leveon Bell in the same category as Lacy and Yeldon is just careless and stupid.

"the Buckeyes aren't winning that game but they sure as shit aren't getting blown out like that."

Based on what evidence? The "BRUTAL" schedule you played? Because of how you squeaked out wins vs. lesser opponents all season? Because Urban Meyer is your coach!?!?!?! BECAUSE BRAXTON MILLER IS DOUBLE ELITE?????????????? I can't wait to hear this...

Nate said...


You are completely forgetting about the Texas A&M game.

Yeldon/Lacy were held to 111 total rushing yards by Texas A&M's 34 ranked rush defense (OSU finished ranked 14).

Moreso, Manziel was the main reason Yeldon/Lacy didn't run wild - having a QB that could scramble and improvise, kept the A&M offense moving which kept Bama's offense off the field.

Braxton would have done the same. He wouldn't have scored as much as Manziel did, but it would have been enough to give our defense a rest.

Notre Dame's offense could not move the ball, period. Your defense will always be terrible if they're gassed the entire game.

And just because Everett Golson is black, it doesn't mean he's a dual threat. He is absolute garbage.

Mr. Ace said...

Nate, Tony Banks and Jeff Blake disagree.

GMoney said...

My blood is boiling over the fact that someone is trying to compare Jonathon Football and Braxton Am-buh-lance.

Face it, Iceman, Ohio fans have never lost an argument in which no facts could be proven true because they scream louder.

Brady said...

Did you see Gholson's numbers heading into that game? He had like 11 passing TD's. Braxton is a huge threat and would easily eclipse anything that dude can do. I never said the Buckeyes would win. Bama is almost a pro team out there. But as Nate said, the Buckeye offense would be able to move the ball and keep our defense fresh. I would guess the buckeyes lose that game by 10.

Prime99 said...

If the Bears got in the playoffs, they would have lost in a better fashion than the Joe Webb led Vikings!!!!!! See how ridiculous I sound? Now take a breath and look in the mirror...

Nate said...

The only comparison I drew between Braxton and Manziel was the fact both of them could keep their offenses on the field long enough to give their defense a breather.

If that's such a ridiculous comparison, then somebody please explain to me why Notre Dame's 4th ranked defense gave up nearly three times as many yards as Texas A&M's 34th ranked defense.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Prime, that is pretty sound logic. Joe Webb was awful and forced the Packers to focus on AP to force the lol passing game. But, I see what you're saying.


Ice Man said...

Nate. maybe it has something to do with A&M playing better teams, better offenses, better talent, etc. Just maybe. I know A&M didn't quite play the ELITE schedule that Ohio did so you'll have to cut them some slack on the 34th ranked rush defense.

GMoney said...


Just stop. Please. This is embarrassing. Given your track record against the SEC, I can't begin to understand how you could believe that. Then again, I am a rational person.

Anonymous said...

Only undefeated team in the nation. Perhaps next year Alabama will earn the chance to prove it on the field against OSU, but unfortunately for them that wasn't able to happen this year.

LOLZ@ MUDawg pulling a result from early September as a good thing to compare to now. LOLZ LOLZ.

Michigan guys....Urban Meyer was just on ESPN again. OH NOES!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

Its the same in how we knew Michigan was touting a top 5 pass Defense in the country haha, its because the B10 BLOWS.

I encourage this argument to keep going on though. I do love a good 'we'd probably lose by 10 instead of 20 debate' because like G$ said, no facts needed.

Here are the only facts that can be presented:

Michigan lost to Bama 41-14: 27pts
Bama beats ND 42-14: 28 points
Michigan lost to ND 13-6: 7pts
Michigan lost to OSU 26-21: 5 points

Therefore OSU would lost to ND by 2 points and lose to Bama by at least 22.5!!!!!!


- J Saul

Anonymous said...

PS - OSU AP #3 < #1 with my astute math skills.

- J Saul

Ice Man said...

But Ohio DID beat ArKANSAS in a bowl game until it was vacated. But only because Ryan Mallet brushes his teeth with Meth.

Anonymous said...

PS - #3 is still higher than UM or ND has ever finished in the past 15 years.


GMoney said...

Perhaps next year Alabama will earn the chance to prove it on the field against OSU, but unfortunately for them that wasn't able to happen this year.

But why was this an impossibility??? I need an explanation! POST HASTE! Leave not details out.

Anonymous said...

Ide - but if you pick 16 years then you are dead wrong.

Don't you love selective statistics?

Or can you only use those when trying to prove a retarded point? Which is the only reason a number like 15 years is picked?

I'm just making the point that the AP CHAMP possibly officially is no longer. They finished third in their no pressure non-bowl playing season.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

You're right, going back 15 years is a convenient number. Let's go back 32 years (basically the commentariat's lifespan (lol Grumpy is old)), and see what the meaningful data tell us.

OSU Top 3 = Four times (it gets much higher if you want to extent meaningful data to top 5)

UM Top 3 = Two times

You can go back and regale us all of the days of Fielding Yost and the rest of the leatherheads when you guys dominated national championships over Yale and the like, if you would like to chest thump national championships and win counts.


Anonymous said...

On a related note, I have zero interest in getting in this debate, I was just playing off of your astute math skills. However, this day of commenting has been equal to the task of retardation, so might as well take it there.


Anonymous said...

Why are we debating what osu would have done vs bama? If osu was eligible this year, they would have gotten a chance at ND. OBVZ we would have loved that matchup.

Jon-15 years is a pretty round number if you ask me! It also lines up when the bcs was started, which is a pretty reasonable mark. It begins an era.

Lets be honest... There is no way OSU would have ever lost a game this season. A sample size of 12 games tells me they are one of the best teams of all time. Alabama couldn't even go 12-0. OSU>Alabama>everyone.

My proof that I'm not a robot word was "afghdut". I am a terrorist.


Anonymous said...

IDE- osu has finished outside of the top 5 only 3 times I'm 11 years. DYNASTY.


Anonymous said...

I don't have time to try and find out how many times in the last 32 years Michigan was in the top 3 going into a Bowl game where it knocked them out of the top 3 by losing.....

I'll tell you how many times they were top 3 and didn't go to a Bowl..........0

Burn. I won and win the retard debate.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

The tard-bate that no one wants to lose apparently...

I can't wait to buy all of my family and friends "WE'RE #3 IN THE AP" t-shirts, hats, mouse pads, and travel mugs.

Anonymous said...

There's enough 12-0 apparel to go around. You can find it on 12-0 ROW come September. We are a very self aware fan base.

I'm sure UM will get their act together through terrible coaching and mediocre recruiting to pull off a few signature wins over Indiana and that treacherous road game at UCONN next year. As Damman will attest, no Kovaks next year will likely doom them to a 7 loss season. Hail!


GMoney said...

It will always be Champions Lane to me.