Friday, January 18, 2013

Chip Motherf*cking Kelly Speaks! Plus Round 7 of Money Shot Bowl Mania!

Homemade by Prime, this will apparently be a play card for the Eagles next year.
As you guys know, I have grown from being The Money Shot's Cal Football beat reporter, to the guy with the inside knowledge and access to Chip Kelly, so in typical Chip fashion, he prepared a statement specific to us that he wanted me to pass along...
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What's up, tattered spunk-rags? You may be wondering why the fuck I would want to coach a team with a battery-throwing, ape-infested fan base like the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, I will get to that, but first I have a special message my insider, Prime...

FUCK YOU, ASSBAG! I used your unsuspecting gullibility to spread my lies about wanting to take the Kansas City Murdering/Suiciding Black Guys job! My genius plan worked to perfection as it helped get obese tampon eater, Andy Reid interested in taking such a stupid job, and allowing me to put a big middle finger stamp on his son's coffin by taking his old job. I am intellectually dominant; do not fuck with the Chip-a-nator (I'm aware that that is a gay nickname, but it was given to me by Lane Kiffin's wife while I plowed her vaginal field.)

So what am I going to do to make Philly the dominant force of not only the NFC East, but also the Middle East? Will I make DeSean Jackson do miles and miles of wind sprints before cutting him? Yes. Will I bring Freddie Mitchell back to the Eagles? Yes. Will I tell LeSean McCoy that his nickname is the worst and rename him "Lady McCoy?" Yes. Will I make Ron Mexico go without his Valtrex until he starts up a Philly dog-fighting ring, only to laugh at him after he is caught? YES. But I will also bring my championship brand of up-tempo football to the NFL and butt-fuck the competition harder than RG3's boyfriend did when he accidentally broke Griffin’s knee. The National Football League is in for a surprise when they see my gold plated, erect schlong coming after their quivering anuses.

But what about you clown shoes? I appreciate you all being fans of my greatness, but I can't say the feeling is mutual. I’d like to take some time to focus on you fucks, even though none of you deserve it.

Mr. Ace, we are about to have a love/hate relationship. You will love me because I will bring victory after victory after victory to your favorite team, and I will hate you for being a pussy-ass vegan that I would love to drown in a vat of tofu and cocks. I am well aware of your Spurs prediction last year and your love of Paul Konerko. Your love for me barely balances out the rest of your sports allegiances and that is only because I am the Greek god of football. May the Forcier be with you, fag!

Drew, you are probably too busy spraying Urban Meyer with expensive perfumes and fondling his nipples like a good man-servant should do (see you later, Ace!) but you need to get over your blind affection for Urban. That dude is wound tighter than the noose Jerry Sandusky would use during his erotic-asphyxiation sessions who underprivileged boys in the Penn State showers. When his heart pops and his players carry his limp, lifeless corpse off the field, you’ll be like a lost little puppy in a cold, dark world. Jump off the train while you can (and onto the Chip bandwagon- Schwartz is a mongoloid, anyway.)

Damman fucks fat chicks and that is A-OK with me!

Brady is pissed because I didn’t choose Cleveland? What. The. Fuck? Be honest, if you could work as a high level executive at Apple, or a greeter at Wal-Mart, which would you pick? The Browns job is where coaches go when they want to disappear faster than Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. I would continue shitting on Brady and Cleveland but he has his wife’s brother’s puppy’s baptism to attend, so I doubt he’s been able to read the entirety of this post.

Ide, I like the cut of your jib. The racism is a huge plus. I know more about making gorillas work an open field than most white men, so I’m picking up what you’re putting down. However, I draw the line at your faggoty love of Train. I will slit the Eagles’ stadium sound engineer’s throat if he plays “Hey, Soul Sister” at any point next season. In fact, I’ll rape his mother if he plays anything but Danzig.

Lil’ Strut, would you be interested in being part of my legal defense team after I do everything I’ve talked about in this post? I’d get a more respectable lawyer but no decent attorney would defend such an obvious bad-ass who gives no fucks about the law. I AM ABOVE THE LAW!

Iceman, I wrote this post while drinking the 12-year old top shelf scotch that Wheels sent my way. Thanks, baby! ;)

And finally to the fine author that built this site- G$. You should be proud of yourself for creating this site where pedophiles can comfortably chat on the Internet each day. It is the modern version of Babylon. If you think that because I respect your sick mind and tenacious wit that I’m going to take it easy on the Pigskins, you’ve got another thing cummin’! I’m going to jizz all over FEDEX Field’s gravelly turf while my high-powered Eagles offense eliminates your spray-tanned coach and the rest of his sorry excuse for an NFL team. I hope RGKnee slips on my man-batter and rips every ligament in his body. The NFC East is mine, all mine!!!

You fags keep it up. I’ll check in via my bitch (Prime) from time-to-time, but you should be excited, if not having explosive diarrhea in anticipation of my NFL debut.
CAL FOOTBALL SUCKS!
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Chip is fucking out of control. His move to the NFL has already made him even worse than before. Tread lightly because I could easily see him murdering any one of you just because he gets bored in the offseason.

CHIP KELLY VIA PRIME, EVERYBODY! And THAT is how you earn the honor and prestige of Commenter of the Year. I wish Chip well in his future endeavors but not too well because, you know, fuck the Iggles. Before we go today, I would be negligent not to get Round 7 of Money Shot Super Bowl Mania started. Quick picks this week as the focus today should be on our visor-wearing buddy and his kind words.

San Francisco -4 @ Atlanta O/U 49
I have no idea what to expect in this one. The Niners look unstoppable but who the hell knows if Kaepernick is for real or not and whether he can do it again on the road across the country. I don’t buy it…Falcons 27-24 OVER

Baltimore @ New England -8.5 O/U 51.5
The Ravens always play the Patriots tough no matter where the game is at so this line looks like a slam dunk. Well, it is until you realize that Joe Flacco probably can’t play that well again and that old defense just played 6 quarters of high altitude football last week. I usually don’t like laying this money points but I will here…Patriots 41-17 OVER

So there we go…I’m sticking with my preseason Super Bowl prediction to come true of Atlanta and New England. I may have been more inclined to pick the two road teams if a certain set of BRAHs would have shown up on Tuesday as I was expecting. Oh well, when they both lose on Sunday, they will have plenty of time to find a Toledo-area Chi Chi’s that is still open. Here are the updated standings after round 6:
31-20 – Drew
30-21 – Prime, Buke, and Li’l Strut
29-22 – Seal (coming on STRONG recently)
28-23 – Iceman
27-24 – Brady
26-25 – Jsaul
23-28 – Jeff and Dut
22-29 – G$
21-30 – Grumpy
20-31 – Nate B
17-34 – Damman
15-36 – Mr. Ace
13-38 – Andrew

Why yes, I did add games missed as losses to make myself feel better about being an awful gambler in the playoffs (as well as bowl season). Why do you ask? See you on Monday. Don’t go falling for any hoaxes and remember to CARRY THE FLAG tomorrow night.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

49er's-over
Pats-over

Anonymous said...

49ers UNDER
Pats OVER

ELITE post by Chip Kelly! What a straight shooter!

--Drew

GMoney said...

No kidding, Chip wastes no words. He gets right to the point.

Huge news! I finally got paid for that post a few weeks ago so the coffers are all lined up. Final decision is that the winner of this will get 50 bucks. You MUST have a PayPal account to collect though. DEAL WITH IT.

Anonymous said...

I don't have pay pal, should I stop playing? Don't think I can win anyways!

Niners - Over
Ravens - Over

- J Saul

GMoney said...

It's easy as shit to get an account and it is the preferred payment process of studs like Ide who would rather deepthroat ten thousand black men than write one check.

Prime99 said...

Niners - Over
Ravens - Under

Chip is starting to scare me. He already asked me why I didn't put a flaccid penis on the play call card?

Anonymous said...

Gotta go oppostie of Drew if I want a chance to win right??

ATL Over
Ravens Under

Seal

GMoney said...

Seal is playing the game!

Anonymous said...

Amazing post. Can't imagine what G$ posts to earn money. Must be ass. Oh wait...

I would rather blow coloreds than write a check. Simply because I don't own checks at all. Get an email with a bank account you scumbags, its 2013.

I love how CHUD is doing bothing with that $43 million in cap room yet. Im a man of action and if DA actually takss some of that, I will kive tweet my stay in Bellvue. That's the famous insane asylum.

Ide

GMoney said...

What is the head coach supposed to do with cap room? Free agency hasn't even started yet! Derek Anderson is the most successful QB in franchise history! You know nothing about football.

Anonymous said...

"i would rather blow coloreds than write a check"

Comment of the year thus far.

Seal

Brady said...

Falcons - Over
Pats - Under

Chip Kelly is a greasy asshat. I hope you get hit with several D batteries during your first loss.

Why not pick the Browns? The guy who finally takes us to the promised land will get FREE Cleveland Steamers for life!

GMoney said...

Is he giving or receiving? Define "promised land"...is that an 8 win season to you? Who exactly would pay to get shit on? Brady makes no sense.

Prime99 said...

No wonder Derek Andersen is coming back to town. Free Cleveland Steamers 4 LIFE!

Jeff said...

FALCONS UNDAH
PAT OVAH

Prime99 said...

A woman at my work is wearing a Steve McNair Ravens jersey today! AWESOME!!!

Ice Man said...

Atlanta over
Ravens under

Good advice seal.

Ice Man said...

I don't know why everyone is so up in arms about Derek Anderson coming back to Cleveland. Open your fucking eyeballs. Our current QB is Ginger Derek Anderson. Same age and everything!!

Does that McNair jersey come with bullet holes?

Brady said...

You can give or receive. It's coach's choice.

"Promised Land" is defined by Websters as any season that ends in the playoffs thus recuding my suicidal thoughts by 50%.

LOL at Derek Anderson trying to weasel his way back in to town. I may support him in a back up capacity just for the chance that we could cheer another concusion.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ trying to catch the smartest...by doing the opposite of the smartest. Time to pad the lead.

--Drew

GMoney said...

MIKE LOMBARDI!!! Keep bringing back those guys that already failed you once (or twice!), Browns! Nothing like hiring a guy who spent the entire season ripping the team for drafting Weeden and supplementing Josh Gordon!

A McNair jersey would not have bullet holes since he got double tapped in the skull. DUUUUUUHHHHHH!

Ice Man said...

"McNair had been shot twice in the body and twice in the head, with only one of the shots coming from closer than three feet."

Welp. You're dumb.

GMoney said...

My mistake for doubting the commitment of Sahel Kazemi. That broad is a real Gruden Grinder. I mean, she WAS a real Gruden Grinder.

Still...LOL Mike Lombardi!

Brady said...

Nobody else was going to come in to be Joe Banner's puppet. He was just fishing for a job back in the league. Why Cleveland gave it to him? Who fucking knows. As long as he doesn't get in the way of our return to glory, he can sit in some office and collect a seven figure income. It's not my money.

Anonymous said...

49ers over
Patriots over

Beat sparty!
Go Bucks!!

Buke

Anonymous said...

Atlanta under
Baltimore under

Andrew

Anonymous said...

Atlanta - Over
New England - Over

Lil Strut

Anonymous said...

49ers under
Patriots over

Also, you f'd up my score.

Dut

GMoney said...

Nope, you missed round one = all losses