|Homemade by Prime, this will apparently be a play card for the Eagles next year.|
What's up, tattered spunk-rags? You may be wondering why the fuck I would want to coach a team with a battery-throwing, ape-infested fan base like the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, I will get to that, but first I have a special message my insider, Prime...
FUCK YOU, ASSBAG! I used your unsuspecting gullibility to spread my lies about wanting to take the Kansas City Murdering/Suiciding Black Guys job! My genius plan worked to perfection as it helped get obese tampon eater, Andy Reid interested in taking such a stupid job, and allowing me to put a big middle finger stamp on his son's coffin by taking his old job. I am intellectually dominant; do not fuck with the Chip-a-nator (I'm aware that that is a gay nickname, but it was given to me by Lane Kiffin's wife while I plowed her vaginal field.)
So what am I going to do to make Philly the dominant force of not only the NFC East, but also the Middle East? Will I make DeSean Jackson do miles and miles of wind sprints before cutting him? Yes. Will I bring Freddie Mitchell back to the Eagles? Yes. Will I tell LeSean McCoy that his nickname is the worst and rename him "Lady McCoy?" Yes. Will I make Ron Mexico go without his Valtrex until he starts up a Philly dog-fighting ring, only to laugh at him after he is caught? YES. But I will also bring my championship brand of up-tempo football to the NFL and butt-fuck the competition harder than RG3's boyfriend did when he accidentally broke Griffin’s knee. The National Football League is in for a surprise when they see my gold plated, erect schlong coming after their quivering anuses.
But what about you clown shoes? I appreciate you all being fans of my greatness, but I can't say the feeling is mutual. I’d like to take some time to focus on you fucks, even though none of you deserve it.
Mr. Ace, we are about to have a love/hate relationship. You will love me because I will bring victory after victory after victory to your favorite team, and I will hate you for being a pussy-ass vegan that I would love to drown in a vat of tofu and cocks. I am well aware of your Spurs prediction last year and your love of Paul Konerko. Your love for me barely balances out the rest of your sports allegiances and that is only because I am the Greek god of football. May the Forcier be with you, fag!
Drew, you are probably too busy spraying Urban Meyer with expensive perfumes and fondling his nipples like a good man-servant should do (see you later, Ace!) but you need to get over your blind affection for Urban. That dude is wound tighter than the noose Jerry Sandusky would use during his erotic-asphyxiation sessions who underprivileged boys in the Penn State showers. When his heart pops and his players carry his limp, lifeless corpse off the field, you’ll be like a lost little puppy in a cold, dark world. Jump off the train while you can (and onto the Chip bandwagon- Schwartz is a mongoloid, anyway.)
Damman fucks fat chicks and that is A-OK with me!
Brady is pissed because I didn’t choose Cleveland? What. The. Fuck? Be honest, if you could work as a high level executive at Apple, or a greeter at Wal-Mart, which would you pick? The Browns job is where coaches go when they want to disappear faster than Manti Te’o’s girlfriend. I would continue shitting on Brady and Cleveland but he has his wife’s brother’s puppy’s baptism to attend, so I doubt he’s been able to read the entirety of this post.
Ide, I like the cut of your jib. The racism is a huge plus. I know more about making gorillas work an open field than most white men, so I’m picking up what you’re putting down. However, I draw the line at your faggoty love of Train. I will slit the Eagles’ stadium sound engineer’s throat if he plays “Hey, Soul Sister” at any point next season. In fact, I’ll rape his mother if he plays anything but Danzig.
Lil’ Strut, would you be interested in being part of my legal defense team after I do everything I’ve talked about in this post? I’d get a more respectable lawyer but no decent attorney would defend such an obvious bad-ass who gives no fucks about the law. I AM ABOVE THE LAW!
Iceman, I wrote this post while drinking the 12-year old top shelf scotch that Wheels sent my way. Thanks, baby! ;)
And finally to the fine author that built this site- G$. You should be proud of yourself for creating this site where pedophiles can comfortably chat on the Internet each day. It is the modern version of Babylon. If you think that because I respect your sick mind and tenacious wit that I’m going to take it easy on the Pigskins, you’ve got another thing cummin’! I’m going to jizz all over FEDEX Field’s gravelly turf while my high-powered Eagles offense eliminates your spray-tanned coach and the rest of his sorry excuse for an NFL team. I hope RGKnee slips on my man-batter and rips every ligament in his body. The NFC East is mine, all mine!!!
You fags keep it up. I’ll check in via my bitch (Prime) from time-to-time, but you should be excited, if not having explosive diarrhea in anticipation of my NFL debut.
CAL FOOTBALL SUCKS!
Chip is fucking out of control. His move to the NFL has already made him even worse than before. Tread lightly because I could easily see him murdering any one of you just because he gets bored in the offseason.
CHIP KELLY VIA PRIME, EVERYBODY! And THAT is how you earn the honor and prestige of Commenter of the Year. I wish Chip well in his future endeavors but not too well because, you know, fuck the Iggles. Before we go today, I would be negligent not to get Round 7 of Money Shot Super Bowl Mania started. Quick picks this week as the focus today should be on our visor-wearing buddy and his kind words.
San Francisco -4 @ Atlanta O/U 49
I have no idea what to expect in this one. The Niners look unstoppable but who the hell knows if Kaepernick is for real or not and whether he can do it again on the road across the country. I don’t buy it…Falcons 27-24 OVER
Baltimore @ New England -8.5 O/U 51.5
The Ravens always play the Patriots tough no matter where the game is at so this line looks like a slam dunk. Well, it is until you realize that Joe Flacco probably can’t play that well again and that old defense just played 6 quarters of high altitude football last week. I usually don’t like laying this money points but I will here…Patriots 41-17 OVER
So there we go…I’m sticking with my preseason Super Bowl prediction to come true of Atlanta and New England. I may have been more inclined to pick the two road teams if a certain set of BRAHs would have shown up on Tuesday as I was expecting. Oh well, when they both lose on Sunday, they will have plenty of time to find a Toledo-area Chi Chi’s that is still open. Here are the updated standings after round 6:
31-20 – Drew
30-21 – Prime, Buke, and Li’l Strut
29-22 – Seal (coming on STRONG recently)
28-23 – Iceman
27-24 – Brady
26-25 – Jsaul
23-28 – Jeff and Dut
22-29 – G$
21-30 – Grumpy
20-31 – Nate B
17-34 – Damman
15-36 – Mr. Ace
13-38 – Andrew
Why yes, I did add games missed as losses to make myself feel better about being an awful gambler in the playoffs (as well as bowl season). Why do you ask? See you on Monday. Don’t go falling for any hoaxes and remember to CARRY THE FLAG tomorrow night.