Wednesday, October 31, 2012

G$ and The Iceman Play "Just The Tip-Off"

David Stern's replacement is David Stern's Penis.
Eat shit, haters, because the NBA tipped off last night! Did the Cavs start the season with a victory? PROBABLY! Before Iceman and I get into our season predictions, allow me a minute to talk about that shocking and huge trade of James Harden on Saturday. First of all, the timing is more than just a tad odd. Second, I’m glad that Houston shit on their fans to restock the cupboards with Omer Asik, Zipperhead McGee, and The Beard. Third, I LOVE this trade for OKC. Don’t get me wrong, Harden is a very good player. But he isn’t great and he isn’t worth max money to them (or anyone really). He is a wonderful complimentary player but he is not a superstar. OKC already has two of those and the potential third was going to be a grouch all season. So flip him for Kevin Martin (an underrated player), Jeremy Lamb (future stud), and a GUARANTEED lottery pick next year (with another first and second also in the mix). That sounds like a winning trade for the Thunder to me. Sure, they may not be as good in the regular season this year but who cares? It’s not like they are going to miss the playoffs without Harden. In fact, they might even be better now if Lamb can contribute in the spring. Anyway, here are Iceman and I’s picks for the 2012-13 season (they aren’t labeled but know that Ice's predictions come first):

Most Overrated Team
East - Boston Celtics - This team is older than Grumpy's saggy, wrinkly nut skin. I don't think the rookies they drafted can contribute right away or period, Paul Pierce is a faggot and Jeff Green will probably have 10 heart attacks by the All-Star break.
West - Los Angeles Lakers - Kobe's already hurt, Nash is a billion years old, Gasol is a raging gash and Howard is a whiny twat. But sure...there's NO WAY this won't work. Especially with Mike Brown and his hot dog neck coaching in LA.
East – Chicago Bulls – Iceman says that D-Rose could be out until well into the second half of the season. This team will be lucky to make the playoffs (although if they get there, no one will want to play them).
West – LA Clippers – They are still coached by Vinny Del Black, correct? Yeah, I can’t take them seriously.

Most Underrated Team
East - Philadelphia 76ers - Yes. They have Andrew Bynum now. Yes. I'm a known Bynum hater. But if he can stay healthy and sane (I know...two HUGE ifs) this team has enough talent to surprise a lot of people now that Iron Jaw Iguodala isn't chewing holes in the floor boards of the Wells Fargo Center anymore.
West - Golden State Warriors - This pick hinges strictly on whether or not this team can stay healthy. Bogut (Iceman doppelganger) gets hurt more than Drew dreams about motor-boating Fat Stafford's creamy dude beefers. Unfortunately this team needs him to compete.
East – Atlanta Hawks – I like the way that this team was torn down and then built back up seemingly overnight. As long as Horford and SMIFF stay healthy, they are going to turn some heads this year (in front of 3000 fans per night).
West – San Antonio Spurs – Every year we all expect them to break down for good. Every year they prove us wrong. It may feel like a cop out to put the Spurs as my underrated team but I don’t think that anyone else in the West really fits this criteria.

Breakout Player
DeMarcus Cousins - Hoooo boy, is this a leap of faith. Cousins started putting it together last year and began realizing that no one can guard him as long as he comes to play every day. Let's hope the voices in his head don't convince him to jump into the stands and start lighting people on fire...because THAT would be counterproductive.
Lou Williams – Now that he is out from the Jrue, Iggy, and Turner shadow and with the Hawks, I expect a MONSTER year from one of the most underrated players in the league. You know what; he’s going to be an All-Star this year. COUNT IT.

3 Bold Predictions
1. The Boston Celtics miss the playoffs. This team is fucking toast. The East is getting better and the Celtics are getting more silver in the bush.
2. The Detroit Pistons make the playoffs AND win a series. It says bold, right?
3. Anderson Varejao realizes the "no flopping rule" makes him a bottom 200 player in the league and he goes back to doing photo shoots while being the sparkle of affection in the eye of all homosexual Brazilian men.

1. Jeremy Lin will end the season as the worst statistical player in the league. He never was any good. There, I said it.
2. James Harden as a #1 will be a huge mistake.
3. David Stern will get rid of that new dumb flopping rule immediately after he realizes that the biggest floppers in the league are also the best players in the league (LeBron is the biggest flopper in league history not name Vlade…FACT).

MVP
Chris Paul - Before Sexual White Chocolate Kevin Love broke his hand I was tempted to go all in and ask him if he wanted to get an apartment together. But since K-Love will have an uphill batter upon returning I'm going with Chris Paul. Clippers are doing big things this year and Paul is the reason.
LeBron James – The smart money is on Luke Harangody but I’m going to go out on a limb and give the award to the best player in the league.

Rookie of the Year (not named Anthony Davis)
Damian Lillard - Portland. Lillard doesn't have Ray Felton's chubby thighs looming in his rearview mirror after Portland shipped his tubby ass to New York. Plus all reports I've seen from the preseason suggest Lillard's already playing like a 3 year vet. I like the potential here on a team with a lot of talent.
Dion Waiters – Cleveland. Hear me out. I still don’t care much for this pick but that was a long time ago and I need to move on. I think that Dion will end up averaging 15+ per game (although in an extremely inefficient manner) simply because who else on that team is going to chuck Jamison’s 20 missed jumpers per game? For the record, it sounds like Andre Drummond was a goddamn animal in the preseason so maybe he is a good pick here as well.  THERE!  I WENT WITH BOTH TURDS!

All-NBA Team
PG - Chris Paul SG - Kobe Bryant SF - Kevin Durant PF - LeBron James C - Kevin Love
Guards – CP3 and Kyrie; Forwards – Durant and LeBron; C – Anthony Davis

The Worst Team in the League (other than Charlotte)
Orlando Magic - EASILY Orlando. Listen. When Jameer Nelson is your best player 82 games will feel like 482 games. They're starting 4 guys that would get 20 minutes off the bench on just about any other team in the NBA. This roster is muddy shit from top to bottom. Really makes you realize just how valuable Smiles McElbows was.
Phoenix Suns – When your best player is Jared Dudley or Marcin Gortat (probably), you are fucking terrible.

Sleeper Fantasy Player (different than Breakout Player)
Goran Dragic - PG is absurdly deep in fantasy this year. And I felt first hand the anal destruction Dragic is capable of when he grabbed Houston's starting PG spot by the haunches last year. Dragic is in Phoenix now with I think Brady and Ide as his only competition for minutes. There's first round production here that you can snag in the 3rd or 4th round.
Ersan Ilyasova – This communist bastard might be my favorite player in the league and I hope that his new contract doesn’t change the way he plays. He does EVERYTHING that you would want a fantasy basketball player to do. He’ll get you a double/double, can pass, and shoots efficiently. Ilyasova is a stud.

Rank the Playoff Seeds (no explanation necessary)
East: 1. Miami 2. Indiana 3. Philadelphia 4. Chicago 5. Brooklyn 6. New York 7. Detroit 8. Washington
West: 1. OKC 2. LA Clippers 3. San Antonio 4. Memphis 5. LA Lakers 6. Golden State 7. Denver 8. Portland
East: 1. Miami 2. Indiana 3. Brooklyn 4. Boston 5. Philadelphia 6. Atlanta 7. New York 8. Chicago
West: 1. San Antonio 2. OKC 3. LA Lakers 4. Denver 5. Memphis 6. LA Clippers 7. Minnesota 8. Dallas

What do you expect from your Pistons/Cavs this season (with record)
Detroit: First, I expect them to be fucking watchable. It's been far too long since I've been able to enjoy a Pistons game that's still competitive deep into the 4th quarter. Second, I expect them to do something about Chaz Villanueva. And by something I mean anything besides issueing him a game day jersey. Cut him, trade him, slice him up into tiny pieces and mail his parts to different parts of the country. I don't fucking care as long as this Uncle Fester looking dick cheese doesn't see the floor. Finally, I expect playoffs. 43-39 should just about do it.

Cleveland: I like the make-up and overhaul of the Cavs roster. Don’t get me wrong, they still aren’t close to competing in a much better Eastern conference this year, but they should be more competitive this year (barring injuries of course). Kyrie is a stud and he and Andy have a dynamite pick and roll game. I don’t think that they will play any defense whatsoever though. It would be nice if Andy could stay healthy all year and maybe draw huge interest at the trade deadline. I see the Cavs winning 33 or 34 games this year and planting themselves firmly in the lottery again. I’ll go with 33-49.

NBA Champion
Ice: Heat over Clippers
G$: Heat over Lakers

Well, we both like the Heat to repeat over a team from LA. That should come as no surprise. Before I go and leave you to talk pro hoops all day, here is a funny story that I never knew until I started reading a book about Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game: he shot his free throws granny-style. HILARIOUS.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

College Football Week 9

                                    "Two fresh boners, please.  To go."




As some of you know, Saturday I was in Columbus.  Well, Powell really but I call it all Columbus the same way everyone 30 miles outside of Cleveland calls it Cleveland.  Same fuckin shit, right?  Those who declined my request to spend the evening in blurry drunken haze really did miss out.  The night ended as many of you probably are thinking it did.  Me getting kicked out of a bar, trying to sneak back in not realizing I was the only guy there dressed like Mario, getting denied re-entrance since the staff wasn't nearly hammered as I was and caught that fact rather quickly (sharp group), then puking orange slime in the front yard of my brother's apartment complex.  Me and vomiting are really starting to rekindle an old flame as this makes two reversal of fortune weekends in a row.  Speaking of vomit...let's get this shit over with.

The Good

Marquise Lee - That, ladies and gents, is a motherfucking ball game.  Too bad the effort was for absolutely nothing.  But he's black and goes to USC so I'm sure he cares about personal accolades more than pesky team stuff, like wins.  So he's happy.  But still.  Pretty impressive day, sir.

Miami Redhawks - The only reason I'm adding this here is so we can talk about how G$ and Grumpy gave each other belly raspberries until they both passed out after the 700 people at the game stormed the field.  But yesterday Ace confirmed that was a legit storm so that makes all three of you queer.

Georgia - I really can't figure these guys out.  One weekend they get flattened by Souf Carolina and the next week they take out the #2 team in the country despite Aaron Murray looking like a creamy turd all game.  I can see why MuDawg is so bunged up all the time.  This team would give me panic fits too.

Notre Dame - Fuck heads.  This was my best shot at the queer ass Irish to lose this year.  Bob Stoops likes to smell other people's farts.  I'm sure that's why he totally blew it Saturday night since all he could think about was deeply inhaling a Brian Kelly shit biscuit.  But I will never give up faith that Notre Dame will lose to Bonerz Barkley and the dick sniffers of southern California...or someone worse.

The Tard

USC - Speaking of Bonerz and the gay boys...FUCKIN LOLZZZZ!  You've been RichRod'ed, faggots!  I don't know what I like more; USC losing with Lane Kiffin or USC losing with Pete Carroll.  This is HAAAAAAARD!  It's incredible how one season can completely murder the NFL's opinion on one guy.  The sound of Bonerz' draft stock plummeting is the same sound a Rob Ryan thunder turd makes as it crash lands into the toilet water.

Marcus Lattimore's body - THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL!  Jesus dick kicking Christ does this guy have bad luck.  Did he punch a nun in the uterus in when he was younger?  Masturbate in the holy water?  Why does God hate this guy's knees so much?  That injury was about as nasty as the Chyna sex tape that made men across the country give high consideration to self castration.  Spurrier swears Lattimore will play for SC again...right after he peeped on your sister shaving her bush in the shower.

The Tardest

Brady Hoke - There's only one tardest this week because A) it personally effects me and B) I'm not sure how long this will get.  Okay you chubby fuck.  I want some fucking answers and not answers that started as 3 foot long pizza subs from Subway that eventually became the stool you feed the media.  I want REAL fucking answers as to why in the holy fucking hell you opted to play a God damn Freshman with zero game experience when you have a quarterback with meaningful minutes at WR attempting to catch passes a fucking albatross couldn't rip down.  A quarterback who was clearly needed at wide receiver with that blistering performance of one catch for fifteen yards.  Wait...hold your answer for now.  Better question.

At what point in a game you can still win do you pull a guy who is obviously complete shit?  How can you not see that Nebraska's defense was moving you down the field offensively more than your signal caller was?  And did I mention that you have a quarterback with real game experience playing FUCKING WIDE RECEIVER???  Did it ever cross your lard encased brain during the 0 for 10 Rusty Bellomy start (passes that weren't even close, by the way) that HEY!  Maybe this isn't working and we need to play a guy who has actually completed a few college passes before today?  Did Devin Gardner forget the playbook overnight?  Was that it?  Did you catch Gardner elephant cocking your freshman daughter in the locker room after practice one day?  Please, man.  Give me something!  I need to know why you single handedly sabotaged this team on Saturday by playing your worst possible option at QB on the road in a game you had to win.  I'm all fucking ears, buddy.

The Iceman Lock of the Week.

Well...looks like I'm done taking chances and making wild accusations.  2 - 4 is not a good place to be right now.  Let's find a layup here, shall we?

Perfect.  Michigan State is at home and playing a Nebraska team that was just handed a fucking gift on Saturday.  Both of Nebraska's losses have come on the road and we have mentioned many times on this award winning blog, the Big 10 is rat shit.  No one wants to win the Legends division, it seems like so why wouldn't Nebraska throw the chips they won right back to Michigan?  That's what I'm hoping for at least.  One more thing...Taylor Martinez is a fucking hobbit that needs his nutsack speed bagged.  Michigan State 24  Nebraska 14

FUCK!  I feel better.  Don't take that as me bailing on Hoke.  I'm not.  I'm just insanely frustrated and have to know the reason he most likely ruined the season on Saturday.  In other news...please excuse commenter Brady from the conversation today.  He's most likely bed ridden with an IV in his balls to replace all the fluids he lost by cranking it to the weather all fucking night.  That's all.  Now take your shots, needle dicks.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The Worst Of Week Eight Vol.VI

Yeah, this wasn't our best effort
Oh what a great day it was on Saturday in Oxford, OH.  Sure, it came at the expense of my LOCK OF THE CENTURY, but ending the slim BCS bowl dreams of your hated rival is more important than your wallet size.  I apologize for that and promise better advice in the future, but it is a very insincere apology.  The students rushed the field (poorly, but they still did) at the end of the game and I would like for Mr. Ape to weigh in on whether or not it was acceptable.  Here are the facts:

*arch rival
*arch rival was undefeated and ranked
*arch rival has beaten you the last six times
*game ended when Peter King's bitch, Tyler Tettleton, took a dumb sack with no timeouts left even though the tying field goal was a lock
*we beat a ranked team at home that came down to the last play

I thought that it was fine and it showed that our students still care a bit.  I was screaming my head off when that clock hit zero.  That felt great.  Very few things are better than a win over your rival that you shouldn't have been competitive in.  Plus, I got to talk to Grumpy at halftime (note: he still sucks)!  ELITE trip to Oxford and, in two weeks, my Kent State Golden Flashes come to town which is probably a bigger game than Alabama/LSU.  Let's get onto the worst of the NFL week:

The NHL - CBJ TV commentator, Bill Davidge, parked right next to my parents tailGREAT on Saturday because Miami Football is for celebrities.  After my 3rd Oktoberfest, I decided to engage him in conversation.  First of all, Davidge is the nicest dude of all time.  I asked him if the NHL was going to play at all this year and he said that he doubted it but the John Davidson was "UNBELIEVABLE".  He then shook my hand and did not feel like he was ever trying to blow me off in the two minute conversation about hockey that we had.  Bill Davidge is awesome.  The NHL is stupid.

Warren Moon - In the days of Tecmo Super Bowl, I always played as the Oilers because their offense was the best.  But I hate Warren these days.  Stop playing the race card, black guy.  People aren't attacking Cam because he's black.  They are killing him because he is awful at his goddamn job the same way everyone rips on bad white QBs.

DeAngelo Hall - Let's just get this out of the way.  What an awful effort by a normally awful defense yesterday.  I did my best by running quality smack before the game on Facebook LIKE A BOSS and my boys did nothing to help me look smart.  D-Hall is the worst.  He got "excused" from the game for being an asshole late in the 4th and it was TOTES deserved because he is an embarrassment.

Santana Moss - RG3's numbers don't look very good but he played well as did our OL.  The problem was our receivers dropping ten STRAIGHT passes (Moss had 5 of them because he SUCKS).  Now I have to deal with all of those grubby Steeler fans talking shit for a few days.  Not cool.  God damn, that was a pathetic effort yesterday.

Philip Rivers - Not a good quarterback--I don't care what the weather was like.  That creepy mustache was a pleasant surprise though.

Dut - This shitbird had the audacity to say that the Browns were a year away from being good or something because of all the TALENT on the roster.  He then implied that other than Megatron, Cleveland had better talent than the Lions and cited that Weeden is better than Stafford.  Dut knows nothing about football.

The Same Old Story For The Bears - This happens every year.  They have a one month stretch where Cutler gets killed and then he gets hurt and then they wonder what could have been.  Cutler dies next week--you heard it here first.

Cam Newton - IF HE WUZ WHITE, NO ONE WOULD CARE IF HE THREW A BACK-BREAKING PICK SIX.

Megatron - DO SOMETHING ALREADY.  Big win for the Lions though because had they lost, the season was over.  Enough with Joique Bell; he is shit.

Aaron Rodgers - Nice mail-in performance by the Packers yesterday.  That was truly inspiring.  Sweet Iceman's pube breath, were my gambling picks bad this week!

Rams, Titans, and Jets - All lost; no one cared.  I still stand by my call of Tennessee being the worst team in the league.  Vick Ballard OT touchdown SICK.

Timmy Tebow - Oh wait!  Who didn't enjoy him being a terrible punt blocker and allowing a punt to get swatted for a touchdown?  I DID!

Juan Castillo - Did you know that this guy is a "great man" who did not deserve to be treated like that by Andy Reid?  Because every skidmark with a live mic this week said this.  The Eagles promptly responded by giving up 30 points in a hurricane because they still suck.

Not MUDawg - Georgia, RedHawks, and Falcons...this guy got the job done this weekend!

Rainbow Tenor - Awwwwww, dammit, I was hoping that the Brady Quinn era would forever.  It did not because his brain hurts.  NOW I'M DONE.

Dez Bryant - This guy is still the worst.  I was thinking about this during the game: Dez might be my least favorite non-QB in the league.  I just hate this guy so much.  The fact that he couldn't keep his non-debt paying hand in the end zone was delightful.

Tony Romo - It was a valiant comeback from captain smiles but we all knew that he would blow it.  How great was it on 4th down when Romo went all Tecmo Bowl and backed up 20 yards only to launch another terrible pick?  The Cowboys are really bad which makes no sense because they shouldn't be.  Romo sucks dick.

FANTASY! - With a game like Denver/NOLA on Sunday night, it's tough to call any of these matchups.  I could go 4-0 and I could go 0-4.  Let's just hope that King Cool goes 2-2.

The Detroit Tigers - Oh man, how great would it be if we all got up this morning and the Tigers got swept last night.  That would really warm my black heart.

That will do it for NFL talk this week.  Stay tuned tomorrow when The Iceman likely holds a funeral for Marcus Lattimore's hopes and dreams, Denard's nerve endings, and Braxton Miller's fake trips to the ER.  CONGRATS TO THE WORLD SERIES CHAMPION SF GIANTS (hopefully)!!!  And how about we get more than 2 late games next week?

Friday, October 26, 2012

Putting the Money Back in G$

If this doesn't make you hate the Steelers then I don't know what will.
On Tuesday, I announced that there would be no gambling advice post this week as I had other things planned. That was clearly a lie. I rarely have anything planned in advance (although my Election Preview is coming next Thursday or Friday and it is quite casually racist). Then I thought long and hard about how many of my readers rely on my picks to put quality vegan meals on the table and I realized that I must keep doing these. I HAVE TO. If my sports wagering was a game of NBA Jam, I would be on fire for the last month. Dut took my advice and bet most of my picks last week and likely won money. He is a believer. The rest of you will be too. But first…A TIP!

If you are serious about gambling on football, and if you’re not then why are you even doing it, then this is a very crucial time of year for you. We have reached the point where weather starts to play a huge factor. You need to start checking the Weather Channel or weather.com in the morning to get an edge on the soulless corporation that wants your money. If there is nothing but green blobs over Buffalo, you best bet the under that day. Are they calling for 35-40 mph winds in South Bend? OK, Notre Dame’s offense sucks anyway so that under 45 is a lock. I remember (and so does he) when Prime was out in Reno last fall and asked me for gambling advice and the weather was horrible in the Midwest and northeast that day. I told him to bet the under on every NFL game in those regions. He won a lot of money and bought a wide assortment of butthole fleshlights with his winnings. The weather is just as important to a gambler as the teams on the field. Make a note of it.

Anyway, here are my Glory Holes of The Week (lines courtesy of Fox Sports which is one of the few line providers that beats my office firewall):

Ball State -4.5 @ Army – Army is my reverse Kent State. As I said last week, Ball State is legitimately good and will win this game by at least a touchdown.
Texas -21 @ Kansas – It’s not my favorite bet in the world especially after seeing Texas play the last few weeks but Mack Brown is at least three touchdowns better than Charlie Weis and it is always fun to root for that gunt to get blown out.
Duke +27 @ Florida State – GSaul is all sorts of fired up about his Blue Devils becoming bowl eligible last week with an epic win over rival North Carolina. I watched that game and Duke is a pretty decent team. The Noles just lost their RB for the season and are coming off an emotional rivalry victory so give me the points here.
Kent State +13.5 @ Rutgers – Did you know that Rutgers is undefeated and a top 15 team? That doesn’t seem right. I’ll just assume that they are due for a loss. I treat the Flashes like Mark Dantonio treated Javon Ringer…I’m going to run these beautiful moneymakers into the ground.
Wisconsin -6 vs. Michigan State – After a horrendous start to the season, the Badgers are starting to roll again. And Mon-TAY Ball is now going back to the more traditional Mon-TEE Ball after a few weeks of being dumb.
Michigan +2 @ Nebraska – This should be a really good game but Michigan has been great over the past month and the Huskers gave up 63 points to the Fuckeyes so I’m going to roll with Tate Forcier’s team.

Green Bay -16.5 vs. Jacksonville – Have you seen the Packers play the last two weeks in tricky road games? Do you know that Chad Henne is starting this week? This game has 45-10 written all over it.
Philadelphia -1 vs. Atlanta – Andy Reid is 12-0 coming off of bye weeks. This stat will be beaten into your head all day Sunday. Atlanta is ripe for an upset anyway. I normally don’t recommend betting on Mike Vick but history says that you should this week.
New York Giants -1 @ Dallas – The Cowboys have no shot of beating the Giants twice in one season especially when you consider how ELITE NY is on the road. Dallas also just lost their MLB for the season. This is my NFL Lock of the Week.
Washington +4.5 @ Pittsburgh – RG3 should never be more than a field goal underdog to anyone. I can’t wait for this game. RG3 is going to use his ELITE STRAIGHT speed to blow by old fucks like Larry Foote and James Harrison. We’re going to win this. I have a great feeling going into this game. Our terrible secondary won’t be an issue since no one can catch the ball for the Steelers anyway.

And my MAC GLORY HOLE OF THE CENTURY OF THE WEEK IS:
Ohio U -7 @ Miami – I will be at this game. I will support the hell out of my alma mater. I will Ric Flair chop Grumpy. I will not be betting on this game simply out of principle (although I reeeeeeeally want to). That being said, this line makes zero sense. We have almost no shot of hanging with the #23 team in the country. I want us to end this awful losing streak that we have going with Frank Solich, but this has 20 point beatdown written all over it. Bet big on the Bobcats and you will be very happy come 7 pm tomorrow night.

In conclusion, I’m getting sick and tired of people saying that betting on NFL games is impossible. No, it really isn’t as long as you have no problem taking points. There are at least 18 teams in the league that should NEVER be more than a 3 point favorite no matter who they are playing. Take last week for example: I know that Jacksonville is a horrible team but they were getting 6 points from the Raiders who are also terrible. The Raiders should never give 6 points to anyone. The Bills giving 4 to the Titans? Yeah, I don’t think so. This isn’t that hard, people, now let’s go make some money.

Also, I have a bad feeling that my undefeated 7-0 Blair White Power will suffer their first (and only) loss of the DFL season this weekend to Team Ashlee.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Open Forum: YOU'RE IT, BITCH!

Pictured: Ide and his neighborhood chums
I assume that all of you are well versed in women’s college basketball news but if for some dumb reason you are not, then boy are you missing out. UConn coach and oft-chronicled asshole, Geno Auriemma, came out (of the closet?) this week saying that he would be in favor of lowering the rim for the ladies to 9 feet. First of all, this would be hilarious. Second, what an incredible blow to equality! Finally, no one will still care. How does this relate to a post on this site that only views women as objects? Well, it got me thinking about lowered rims and how ELITE those were twenty years ago in my neighborhood when Riviera Heights was treated to many after school slam dunk contests on Poopson’s 6-7 foot rim.

I fucking love dunking. It is one skill that I wish I had. If you can dunk a basketball, your life is infinitely better than someone who can not. To this day, every time that I see a lowered rim, I MUST throw down the thunder. Back in the day, my go to moves were always based on self alley-oops which are way more enjoyable than Cramer’s constant use of the cradle dunk. THAT DUNK IS LAME! Thinking about those driveway dunk contests and Geno’s misogyny also got me reminiscing about other classic kid games played on the mean streets of my hood. And that is what today is about: neighborhood games!

*Backyard Baseball – Not a game restricted to my neighborhood but one that definitely warrants mention. You are a nobody if you never played this weird brand of America’s pastime in Big Perm’s backyard.

*Random Bike Riding For No Particular Reason – It amazes me how enjoyable riding around town in a bike can be and then a few years later, after you got your license, you call those same people queerbates. I will NEVER forget when our teacher’s union went on strike and I rode my bike up to the middle school to watch them picket. We just sat on the sidewalk and watched our teachers embarrass themselves. It was ELITE.

*Home Run Derby – I would do this now if I had a bat, a baseball, and friends. We used to all meet up at Glenwood Park (home of the 180 foot fence) to swat dingers for a few hours but that all ended after Damman and Cramer broke windshields of parked cars. Man, it is an awesome feeling to watch one of your buddies freak out over the unintentional vandalism that they just did.

*”Professional” Wrestling – Oh man, Jerry Sandusky would have truly had a field day in the Cramer’s basement where submission holds and Hulk Hogan leg drops ruled the day. A handful of pre-teen boys entwined together trying to make the other submit = pedophile’s dream come true. I am pretty sure I was the best at this because my Boston Crab was ELITE!

*Sledding - Well, not really, because going down the Napoleon Muni Golf Course in an innertube was the only way to go.  Getting a snow day and then walking over to the course was THE BEST.

*Tackle Football – I can’t pinpoint the exact age when we all said “fuck it, let’s start tackling each other” but it was great. There was even a brief period where we “played it safe” by putting on those Hutch uniforms and helmets even though the provided zero safety features. For whatever reason, I had a Bears Walter Payton uniform for reasons that I still don’t understand. Needless to say, from now on I will only be referred to as “Sweetness”. Anyway, these 3 on 3 games were extremely dangerous and were ripe with 11 year olds going for kill shots but they always ended the same way: with the Cramer Bros getting into a prolonged fight and one of them crying.

*Ball Tag – In my opinion, this is the most underrated game of all time. Tag is ELITE. And when you up the awesome factor by introducing a tennis ball into the mix, it only gets better. By the way, the tennis ball is a very versatile object that doesn’t get the credit that it deserves. Anyway, if you are elusive and a decent hider, you are going to dominate the Ball Tag circuit as I often did. Dodgeball gets a lot of publicity and is similar in its craft, but Ball Tag will forever be the best. At Iceman’s wedding reception, I will start a game of Ball Tag. Drunk Ball Tag has a strong possibility of becoming the national pastime.

I’m sure that I forgot a few activities from my youth that took up some time. I made no mention of the abandoned armory down the road that we used to dick around at. Deep down, I think that we all were hoping to find landmines or something back there. Anyway, let’s spend the day digging into our youths. I have a feeling that Grumpy is going to say something old like “skipping rocks”, Tonya will reference her Easy Bake Oven, and Jeff will randomly mention “getting molested” while assuming that no one will notice.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The O/U On Brian Wilson Camera Time Is 400 Hours

This is Prime.  You don't want to know where his hands are.
You may have thought that I was just going to gloss over the World Series because my Yankees are out and the Tigers are awful but you failed to acknowledge my love of lying to you. We have so many fans of these two teams (yes YOU, Prime) that it would be borderline criminal of me not to let everyone make wild predictions about it. After the Tigers pooped on my team and the Giants wedged that horseshoe up their asses even farther, we are left with a pretty interesting final battle between Team Trash and Team Ankle Grab. Here are some storylines that I’m looking forward to (although I will likely not watch more than 15 minutes of any game):

1. Will “rust” be perception or reality? That really is the big question, isn’t it? Both teams bring a lot of momentum with them to the World Series but it is unknown if that can be maintained for Detroit. The Tigers are easily the better team on paper here both in the lineup and on the mound yet that six day vacation casts a dark shadow over their clubhouse. I have the feeling that the Tigers do nothing through the first three innings tonight but get it going the second time through the order.

2. Is Verlander/Zito the biggest mismatch in the history of sports? Yes. Yes it is. Barry Zito and his 85 mph fastball are so goddamn bad. I don’t care what his numbers this year are because Zito blows. I’ll tell you one thing: if the Giants win tonight then the Tigers are in a whole fuck-ton of trouble.

3. Can the Giants hit enough? And can the Tigers bullpen keep it up? I really wish that the Giants would activate Melky. That would be so hilarious to me. I have no idea if the Giants will score enough runs or if the Tigers can close out games though. I do know that you should ignore the ALCS results because Phil Coke is still fat and bad.

4. Are Marco Scutaro and Delmon Young the worst CS MVPs of all time? Yes. Deadspin already did the digging for Young being by far the worst ALCS MVP ever and Scutaro is a journeyman so you know that he blows. I wouldn’t expect much out of either of these losers.

5. Who has the better home field advantage? The Tigers have a fiery white trash fan base (plus Brady!) that we all know and hate but the Giants have the best fans in the game. I stand by this. I feel like those fans actually matter during the course of a game. It’s as if they collectively pool all of their homo energy together and will the Giants to victory.

6. Who will be this year’s David Freese? For the Tigers, I think that Austin Jackson blows up. For the Giants, prepare for a Brandon Belt coming out party.

7. Enough already: Who wins the World Series? The Tigers are better but the Giants are ridiculously hot. The pitching match-ups favor the Tigers though. For me, it comes down to this: I’ve had a bad year. This year alone I’ve watched John Calipari cut down the nets, Jeff Carter hoist the Cup, Ohio State football go undefeated thus far, LeBron and Coach K win a gold medal, and, of course, LeBron win an NBA title. Clearly, someone has it out for me and loves to watch me die on the inside. With that sort of resume, why wouldn’t the Tigers finish me off for good? Tigers in 6.

The thought of showing up to this blog the day after the Tigers win the World Series makes me so sad that I’ve already picked out the bullet that will be embedded in my skull next week. Go ahead and take another look at how awful my sports year has been and there is still two more months to make it worse! Maybe I should just prepare for Sunday when James Harrison beheads RG3 during halftime. Anyway, who do you shitbirds like in The Fall Classic? And will you miss The Boss grunting “This Traaaaaaaaaaaaaain” during every commercial? I’ll be honest, that song is growing on me.  Fuck the Tigers...but they're going to win and we will all be sad.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

College Football Week 8

       /daydreaming. "Yummy yummy yummy I've got Schlitz's in my tummy..."




You know what's scary?  This:

"Now let's all take turns writing what we think will be on Braxton Miller's grave once he dies in 3 weeks.  I'll go first.  "Enjoy sucking the Devil's dick in Hell for eternity.  Keep a seat for Ide warm."  Your turn."

I wrote that EXACTLY 3 weeks ago.  Icetradamus motherfuckers!  But we'll get into that later.  While you all deal with being TOTES JELLY of my ELITE dance moves, let's analyze week 8.

 The Good

Michigan - Finally!  The Mike Hart curse has come to a close and my liver payed the price for it.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't impressive.  But it's exactly what that team needed and now they're in the driver's seat for a Rose Bowl.  And that's what the goal is for a team littered with DickRod recruits, right?  I'll answer for you.  Right.

Florida -STEAM ROLLER!!  Two things I learned on Saturday.  First, it's always good when the Fag Ball Coach loses...but it's so much better when he gets his fuckin tits lit up on national television.  And two...I really fucking hate Will Muschamp for reasons I can't even piece together.  It's just one of those faces you look at and you start boiling over with rage.  Maybe it's because he looks like a sweaty meatball.  Or maybe it's because he's probably the guy who empties the hot sauce counter into a plastic bag at Taco Bell so he doesn't have to spend the dollar fifty to buy his own.  One thing is for sure...he took a step in the right direction in repairing this relationship by humiliating the Cocks Saturday.  Oh...and I think Florida wins it all this year.

Toledo - I'll give a little MAC love here and there when it's deserved.  Sure, it was Cincinnati and the BearCats are like a drunken hand job when it comes to Ohio football.  But ranked is ranked, N-words.  Suck it, Nick Lachey!  Or are you strictly a USC fan now that the Cats look worse than your fucking whale of an ex-wife?  I guess you did one thing right by ditching her before she grew elephant thighs. Now just work on your new wife's wookie arms and you'll be all set, pal.

The Tard

Notre Dame - There's no way in Hairyanusville this team finishes undefeated.  The "number 5 team in the country" should not be limping their way through a schedule that's weaker than Damman's will power when he sees a land beast slurping away at jager bombs from across the bar.  I'm still trying to figure out how God let the BYU Mormons lose to a bunch of Catholics that rape and murder when they aren't playing hilariously bad football.  Brian Kelly has TOTES made a deal with the devil while stroking his rabbit foot Prince Albert.

Auburn - Does anyone know how bad this team really is?  I don't think we have really taken time to appreciate their dedication to shittiness this year.  I just can't wrap my skull around winning a national title, what?  Two years ago?  Then being a sweaty turd nugget with impressive performances like losing to Aaron Rodgers pube-less limp dicked brother who is only note worthy because of how sweet his older brother is.  Seriously...Jordan Rodgers is going to be awful.  The only people that don't think that are obese Packers fans and Jay Cutler.  Just kidding!  Jay Cutler thinks everyone is terrible!

The Tardest

Fuckeye Fans - Just another day of Braxton Miller showcasing that ELITE arm, eh fellas?  Are we there yet guys?  Or are we at least close enough to admit there's maybe a chance you guys may have slightly overestimated Miller's passing ability?  Nahhhh.  Probably not since you guys usually go down with the ship on every dumb fuck comment that's ever been made.  But hey!  Keep letting that diarrhea ooze from your tard holes from week to week.  It gives me material every Tuesday.  PS...ELITE crying on national TV, Braxton Miller.  Looks like Tate Forcier is more of a man than you'll ever be.

Geno Smiff - Hurry!  Jump off the Geno Smiff bandwagon before it's too late!  The driver is shit housed and speeding towards a nursery!  The destruction will be crippling!!  Wow did this guy fool just about everyone in the country. That horrific noise you hear is Smiff's draft stock dropping to the 4th round...where the Browns will draft him and for no reason name him the week 1 starter next year.

Georgia's ability to cover against an AWFUL team - How many people bet Junior's college fund on this game assuming Georgia was going to explode into every hillbilly orifice Kentucky had open?  What was the spread?  28?  I can't say for sure because I really don't tune in to the Cowfucker's show anymore, but this TOTES has his stench on it for his "BLAZIN PICKS!"...or whatever faggot ass name he gives that segment where he spews horrible advice across America's airwaves.  Florida is going to fucking murder this team.  Georgia could get beat by a thousand.  Maybe a thousand and nintey.

The Iceman Lock of the Week

Okay.  So I fucked up on Thursday, apparently.  But in my defense that pick did look genius for about 4 minutes.  So that makes me 2-3 for the year so far and I need a tasty game to get me on the path of righteousness.  But this segment is all about putting your balls out there so that's exactly what I'm gonna do.  I'm calling for Alabama's head this week.  This is the first real test (since we all know that Michigan was vastly OVERRATED as the 8th best team) for the Tide as they face a Mississippi State team that scores AND plays defense just as well.  I think 'Sippi State has a chance if they can keep the Tide's running game in check...since AJ McCarron drinks piss and is terrible at playing quarterback.  LOCK IT UP!

That's all I've got today.  For the record...I'm still not okay with the dirty hands/zombie guts and not being able to sterilize somehow.  It just doesn't add up.  So if you go to the store this week and they're mysteriously out of Purell, you'll know where to find it.  LET'S DANCE!!

Monday, October 22, 2012

The Worst Of Week Seven Vol.VI



There's a really good chance that this is the worst 26 seconds in the history of the internet. It truly has it all:
*Iceman dancing
*Iceman dancing to what sounds like Blink 182 which would be the first time that anyone has ever danced to them
*Iceman flirting with little boys (the point is very predatory in nature)
*Off camera Brady laughing like a hyena who loves the Detroit Tigers and can't break an 8 second 40 yard dash
Enjoy this clip. There may never be another that can top its absurdity. Let's get into the worst of week seven as soon as everyone stops laughing at The Iceman.

Mario Williams - OK, this Bills defense has to be the worst in the league.  Exactly what are they paying him for?  They were supposed to be good and instead prefer to give up 200 yards rushing to Chris Johnson's corpse.  I would say that I feel bad for Daniel but he was a real shit to me in the DFL Chat yesterday when the Redskins were being discussed.  YOU DESERVE THIS TERRIBLE DEFENSE!!!

Josh Gordon - It's hard to hate this kid too much since he is the lone weapon in the Browns pass game but that drop was brutal.  I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and blame the sun but still, that cost them a victory.

Pat Shurmur - There isn't a bigger pussy of a coach out there.  4th and 1 from the 40 with 4 minutes to go and you have Trent Richardson and you are playing a terrible defense so why not punt.  Cowardly.

Seal - You wanted the best, bitch, well YOU'VE GOT IT.  Fast Seal let me know last week that he had extra tickets to the Skins/Browns game on 12/16 just a few rows from the field.  Here is your answer: you're goddamn right that Damman and I are IN.  Hell, if you have more tickets, I might be able to use those too (Hellraiser and Dut both sounded interested).  See you on the Lake in two months...WE WILL WIN.

Alex Green - The Packers don't run the ball.  I hope that you didn't burn waiver priority thinking that that would change.

The Cardinals - Remember when they were 4-0?  LULZ!  They're still terrible and always have been.

Schedule Makers - 8 early games and 2 late games?  WHY?  Makes no sense.  Get rid of these garbage Thursday night games in which no team ever plays well because they are still beat up from the previous week.

Joe Flacco - Not ELITE.  I am truly enjoying the complete destruction of this Ravens team.  If you aren't as well then what is wrong with you?  Man, the holidays at the BRAH house are going to be intense this year with Johnny whining about injuries, Tom Crean farting in everyone's face, and Little Jimmy randomly refusing points all over the place.

Dez Bryant - DEAD!  Thank God, too, because I'm growing tired of hearing about how good this shithead is when he just isn't.

Cammy Cam Cam - He's just a bad QB and a total fair weather athlete.

Vincent Jackson - Wow, I think that TB would have beaten the Saints if he wasn't slower than Brady.  That was the complete opposite of SEC speed.  That was Big Ten speed.  You just knew that the Bucs were going to get beat when you saw that they wearing the orange cream uniforms because those threads NEVER win.  And guess what: THEE JOE VITT IS BACK!  Yeah, that doesn't matter.

The Redskins Secondary - God dammit, that fucking game was ours.  First place in the East was ours.  Eli was making dumb faces all over the field.  And then we just decided to let Vic Cruz dance into the secondary for a game-winning touchdown with ease.  I hate Madieu Williams.  That sucked.  I'm not going to say that we are better than the Giants, but we were yesterday.  Stupid turnovers killed us.

Jason Pierre-Paul - Stop doing that Gangnam shit, fag.  That was maybe cool a month ago but it definitely is not anymore.  You're gay, JPP.

Chad Henne - HE'S BACK MOTHERFUCKERS and still just as shitty as you remembered.

Maurice Jones-Drew - "That's what happens when you hold out".--what an idiot would say.   Expect to see Rashad Jennings hilariously vultured off the waiver wire this week followed by everyone complaining about why they wasted their priority on a Jags RB.

Mark Sanchez - That was an excellent football game by those two foes and I am being 100% serious when I say that.  For a team with a horrible offense and Timmy Tens wasting everyone's time and energy and psalms, the Jets are a scrappy bunch and Sanchise was better than you would expect (which is not much).  Yet the play of the week was his weirdo kick on that safety.  That was tremendous.  Stephen Hill's Greg Little impression was also ELITE.

GAMBLING - I don't want to toot my horn too much about how fucking great I am at calling MAC games, but I can't ignore my second straight week of undefeated NFL wagers.  IND -1.5, WAS +6, NE over 28.5 was a nail biter and JAX +6...CASH MONEY.

FANTASY - I plan on completing the kill of Ide/Buke in the MSFL.  Barring a massive Big Ben performance last night, you can lock up 7-0 in the DFL with JSaul/-Rex not offering up much of a fight.  I probably should have GSaul dead to rights in the G$FL (as long as Ben does not go bananas...again).  And I need a little help from AJ and Cutler (a combined 3 scores which is doable) to go 4-0.  It's going to happen.

That will do it for this week's NFL talk.  How funny is it that ultimate tough guy, Roger Goodell, finally backed down from the Saints.  WHAT A PUSS!  I didn't even know that Paul Tagliabue was still alive.  Apparently, yes, he is.  Please make a note of it.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Little Brother Comin' Yo

The "S" stands for "Stuffitinmybutt"
In my continued attempt to mail-in all posts until the Yankees are done showing up for playoff games (and they are!), yeah, today will be another one of those. But instead of throwing shitty topics against the wall to see what sticks, I figured that I might as well unleash some ELITE sports wagering advice for all of you. As a reminder, these thoughts should not be dismissed and wanked at. I am not going to get into specific numbers but let’s just say that I have well over doubled my gambling investment so far. In other words, I’M HOT.

LSU (-3) @ Texas A&M – I really like home underdogs; especially those with sick offenses. I’ll take those points if you’re giving them. Aggies +3
Ball State (-3) @ Central Michigan – Don’t be fooled by that win in Iowa a few weeks ago because the Chippewas are actually quite bad. Ball State, on the other hand, is a legit good team that should have no problems on Saturday. There is usually one MAC line per week that makes no sense. This is it. I would bet the Cardinals -10 so I will call BSU -3 my LOCK OF THE WEEK.
Western Michigan @ Kent State (-3.5) – The Flashes have made me a ton of money this fall and I’m going to keep riding the hot hand even if I don’t really like the extra half point they have to give. KSU -3
Michigan State @ Michigan (-10) – Who came up with this line? This game should NEVER be a double digit spread. Rivalry games are more likely to be close than they are to be blow outs so feel free to take this gimme to the bank. Sparty +10 By the way, nice fucking rivalry game airing on the Big Ten Network LOL!
Colorado @ USC (-40.5) – Colorado is REALLY bad but USC is 1-5 against the spread this season and they aren’t nearly as good as people think. Taking all of those points is quite a bold and savvy play but I think that it is the right one. Buffs +40.5
BYU @ Notre Dame (-14) – Notre Dame is due for a letdown and BYU could be the best overall team that they’ve played so far. I think that the Irish win, but I like those two touchdowns. BYU +14
Penn State @ Iowa (-3) – Iowa is starting to get things going now that nobody cares about them anymore (classic Ferentz move). I don’t really trust Penn State on the road at all. I’ll lay the points. Hawkeyes -3

CLE @ IND (-2.5) – This line suggests that if these two teams played in Peter King’s Wichita, the Browns would be favored. The Browns are not better than the Colts who are a MUCH better team at home than they are on the road. The fact that you don’t even have to lay a FG to the Browns is money in the bank. IND -2.5
WAS @ NYG (-5.5) – The Giants aren’t very good at home (the complete opposite of every team ever). The Redskins seemingly play every game close. Eli is well past due for a truly abysmal performance that allows people to ask the question about whether or not he is ELITE. This isn’t even a homer pick…take them points. WAS +5.5
NO (-2) @ TB – The Saints are usually quite OVERRATED by Vegas but I can’t believe anyone would bet against them here. NO -2
PIT @ CIN (PK—pick ‘em, not Peter King) – You going to this week’s Sunday Night game, old timer? I feel like you usually go to Paul Brown with the rest of your trashy fanbase. The easy play here is taking the Steelers even though they have been SHIT on the road this year. But the Bengals just lost to the Browns so how can you pick them to win. Much to our dismay, the Steelers aren’t going to lose every road game this year and they know that the Ravens just got a LOT worse and the North is for the taking. Steelers are the play.

Again, I am sorry for the lack in quality of posts recently but you were warned ahead of time of that. Just know that Iceman’s NBA posts are right around the corner so, you know, it DOES get worse. I do have some ELITE posts coming up that I already have outlines written for in my BLOGGING DIARY/legal pad. You will be taken care of in due time. I’m thinking about dropping by Drew’s tailgate tomorrow so he better recognize. See you Monday and may we never speak about baseball again.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Were The Brooms Needed?

SLOTH LOVE CHUNK
As I said yesterday, I fully expect to wake up today with my Yankees being swept by the Tigers.  I'm not going to waste some grade A bloggin' material when the entire focus of today's comments will be Tigers fans calling me a horrible fan.  That's just not smart internet business.  So I'm just going to throw out a few topics to help everyone get through the day.

*Girardi benched A-Rod again.  This is totally personal now.  Fox needs to bring back Celebrity Boxing and get these two in the squared circle and settle this like men.  One of these guys will definitely not be back next year.  I won't be upset if neither comes back.  Get ready because the A-Rod trade rumors are going to dominate the offseason.

*Matt Holliday was a bit rambunctious on his game 2 slide, wasn't he?  It was a dick move and it was probably dirty.  Big deal.  Move on.  If you want to hit him, Matt Cain, he's a big boy and I'm sure he'll take it.  If you're a cunt, then let it go.  Marco Scutaro is ass anyway.

*The coaches released their preseason college hoops poll yesterday.  Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, Ohio State, and Louisville make up the top five (although not in that order).  Are the Wolverines really supposed to be that good?  I don't remember the team getting beat by OU having Top 5 talent.  I'll say it already: OVERRATED.  Michigan has 15:1 odds to win it all.  Ohio State is at 18:1.  I already put 20 bones on the Fuckeyes.  DEAL WITH IT.

*Paul Ryan and his ELITE widow's peak can't tell the difference between Colt McCoy and Brandon Weeden.  That's what he gets for looking at the world through "Terrible QB-colored Glasses".  Count it.  All white people look alike anyway.

*Go away, Lance Armstrong, you are gay and stupid and participate in the dumbest "sport" of all time.

*The NHL lockout is seemingly coming to an end or so I hear.  More Jackets PLZ!

*Anyone got any new TV shows that the recommend?  The missus and I are watching that Last Resort show on ABC.  It's not bad.

It amazes me that the Tigers have swept/are on the verge of winning the pennant and the entire focus from the media doesn't seem to notice them at all.  EAST COAST BIAS!  Now I'm done.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Just Killing Time Before Sons Of Anarchy

Butt-chugging personified.
This live journal is off to a late start because She$ is being a total bitch and claimed the living room while I was finishing off the last taco from Taco Night like a BOSS.  It was a total dick move by her.  I even told her that I was going to call her a bitch on the blog but she acted like that wasn't a big deal which it TOTES IS.  So I'm sitting on the fucking bed watching game 3 of the Tigers/Shutouts and ready to get this going.  For the record, I'm picking the Yankees to win 3-2 without registering any hits.  It will be one for the ages.  Everyone picks the Tigers to roll tonight and everyone is usually wrong so I'll go with Team Diarrhea to pull off the upset.

1st inning - Oh, hi there, Brett Gardner!  I really like you but I wouldn't choose NOW to start you for the first time in exactly six months.  That being said, Gardner is still better than Swisher.  Ichiro becomes the first of 20 strikeouts tonight.  Hughes give up a Peralta Special hit to whatever a "Quintin Berry" is and Cecil Junior walks.  Delmon Young's Fat Ass is up and he is terrible so I'm sure that he will put one in the gap.  Nevermind, easy fly ball to right that Nick Swisher would have missed by 3 feet.  0-0.

2nd inning - I plan on spending these next three hours absolutely tearing the Yankees to shreds with sarcasm and bile so get ready for that.  Robby Cano makes it a robust 0 for his last 27.  UNELITE!  Alex Avila uses his groomed stubble to catch a Russell Martin "rocket" before it goes into the dugout.  STILL NO RUNS! 14 straight innings of shit!  I like to think that Dirks goes by Andy because Drew is a FAG NAME.  Philbert Hughes cruises through the second as if he was facing his own team.  FUN FACT: The Yankees are 3-4 in the playoffs with 7 quality starts by their starting pitchers.  0-0.

*Which look-a-like is better: Doug Fister and Shore Store Danny or Russell Martin and Ronnie "Ron Ron Juice" Ortiz-Magro?  My MLB/Jersey Shore comparisons are what make me the best on the internet.

3rd inning - Mexican avocados sponsor Avisail Garcia's fluke hit from game 2...makes sense to me.  Chavez takes a 2-0 fastball right down the middle for a strike as if that pitch right down the middle shocked him.  I'm almost certain that Granderson is blind.  There is no other explanation for why he can't tell the difference between a curveball and a heater.  Another K for Kurtis!  Eduardo Nunez is playing?  Holy fuck.  Another 1-2-3 but I will say that the Yankees are having better at bats tonight (means nothing).  Miggy is up with a guy on second and I'm certain that this ends poorly for me.  Nice catch, Russ Russ.  Fielder stupidly swings at a 3-0 fastball and flies out.  0-0.

*I'm OK with Girardi benching A-Rod this time.  If what is being reported about A-Rod trying to get a threesome going during game 1 is true, yeah, that is awesome and awful at the same time and he should be punished for that.  But our struggles are not just his fault and with Swisher also sitting, that's fine.  I just don't like the hypocrisy of blaming one guy for team-wide terribleness.  Oh, and Eric Chavez is hitless in the entire playoffs so how much sense does playing him make?  NONE.  But I digress.

FOURF inning - THERE WILL BE NO NO-NO!  Ichiro singles!  Who wants to bet that they don't score?  The fact that teams still use the shift on Teix is hilarious.  How can you be a pro ball player and not know how to hit to the opposite field?  Seriously, he can't do it.  They tried to get him to do it a few years ago and he was SHIT at it so they just let him go back to "pull only".  This guy makes 20 million a year by the way.  Another out for Cano and another scoreless inning (16 straight).  There are at least five guys off the top of my head on the Tigers that are in worse physical shape than Cabrera (Prince, DYFA, Velveeta, Coke, and not Chris Benoit).  That is amazing.  How does their plane get off the ground?  Right on cue, DYFA goes deep and that should do it for game 3.  Hughes leaves the game because I assume that he doesn't want to play with these losers anymore.  Hard to blame him there.  There is no way that I keep this up for the entire game.  I'm already bored out of my gourd.  Joe Girardi just told a funny to Larry Rothschild...my guess is that he is working on his version of The Aristocrats.  His dad better be apart of it or I will be disappointed.  David Phelps comes in and gets people out.  1-0 Tigers.

*I would flip over to the debate right now but I'd rather wait for Buke to let us know who won.  Plus, I don't care much for interracial porn so why would I like interracial talking?

FIF inning - Tigers pitching coach Jeff Jones looks like the kind of guy that would have back issues of SWANK magazine on his coffee table for his guests to enjoy.  I don't care, that made me LOL.  The Yankees go down in order again.  PEOPLE, YOU ARE WITNESSING INCOMPETENT HISTORY!  Chavez makes an error...glad he's playing tonight.   Cabrera gets an RBI double and this is ov-ah.  Rapada and Eppley do their thing.  Tigers 2-0.

*I would like to change gears for a moment to talk about that possible Brandi Passante masturbation video that hit the internet this week (if this is news to you, the clip is not hard to find).  It's only 30 seconds and it's not that great, but I don't think that it is Brandi.  If it is then wow, Brandi has a HUGE gash (Jarrod must be packing a goddamn Pringles can).  I've watched that clip a few times now but I keep getting annoyed by the guy in the background telling me that I can only look for five minutes and I'm not allowed to touch anything inside the vagina.  Then some old hag asks me to pay the lady and by then I'm completely turned off.  In my expert opinion: NOT BRANDI.  YES, MORE STORAGE WARS PORN.

Sixth inning - My dog just had something stuck in his throat and was freaking out over it like usual so I had to rub his neck for like twenty minutes.  That is annoying.  I just assume that the Yankees didn't do anything.  You know, this hasn't been one of Jut's better starts.  He has fallen behind almost every hitter and has 2 or 3 strikeouts. But you don't have to be ELITE to shut down this garbage team.  Mexican Avocados with another cheap hit and the bases are loaded for Triple Brown.  Lardo hits into a double play.  Nice work, Boone.  Tigers 2-0.

Seventh inning - This is probably it for me.  I bit off more than I could chew with a random Tuesday night live blog and this game (like the last 8 games) has been unwatchable for this Yankees fan.  Ichiro with another hit.  That makes TWO for him and NONE for everyone else.  0 for 29...well done, Robbie.  Why are those dumb fucking Tigers fans wearing crowns that they got from their jobs at Burger King?  These people are awful.  Ichiro gets a leadoff single and doesn't move.  18 straight shutout innings.  Tigers 2-0.

That's going to do it for this live journal.  You got 2.5 hours but this team has made me completely numb and have broken my spirit.  I'm just going to go out on a limb and give this one to the Tigers.  Get your brooms out.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

College Football Week 7

                         "Call me John L. Smith.  One more fucking time..."



For those who weren't paying attention last week, the future ex-Mrs. Ice and I have set a wedding date.  August 10th 2013 will be the main event.  G$, Captain Wedding Coordinator, says I'm being too zealous with getting addresses this soon but I don't listen to anyone who bags his own farts to enjoy at a later occasion.  So make sure you start sending me your address if you care to take advantage of something I'll certainly regret immediately.  Onward!

The Good

Krazy Jim's Blimpy Burger
So my buddy MarkAk scored us tickets to Michigan's complete anal hollowing of IlliNOISE on Saturday and I had the pleasure of eating at this fine hole in the wall establishment prior to the destruction.  The menu is simple.  It's burgers, fries and enough bacon grease to make Ron Swanson pass out from the blood flow to his exploding erection.  I was looking for a bathroom when I got my food so I could fuck it real quick, then eat it.  To my disappointment there was no public restroom so I was forced to sexually assault my food in a corner in front of a packed house.  No one seemed to notice I was eating buck naked with a triple in one hand and my boner in the other.  Outstanding establishment.

-Oregon State
 Admittedly so, I haven't watched much Oregon State football this year.  Call it a protest towards Chad Ochofuckface.  Call it west coast negligence.  Call it no one really gives a fuck about Oregon's half retarded younger in state brother even when they're good/respectable.  But they've beat two (questionable) ranked teams and are in a good position to stay undefeated until Oregon face fucks them the second to last game of the year.  So I'll throw them in here just to please the weed smoking hippie demographic of this ground breaking journalistic masterpiece of a blog.

Kansas State
-Remember when I killed DA U for getting their fucking buttholes creamed by Kansas State.  So maybe that was a bit premature as KState appears to be DA TRUF!  Pay no attention to the close game against Iowa St. this past weekend.  We all know ISU is the giant killer of all giant killers.  I actually like this team a lot.  They run it up on people the same way I run it up against anyone in Tecmo Bowl.  Also, they can stuff it up your ass on defense.  Dare I say this team is UNDERRATED???  With (as of right now) 4 ranked teams left on the schedule, KState could have a shot as a sleeper title contender if they can find a way to run the table.  Stay tuned...

The Tard

-The Buckeye defense
Ho.  Lee.  Shit.  Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?  (ELITE movie reference).  Throughout the game whenever the network panned the Ohio sideline I was searching the bodies for Greg Robinson's silver mane.  Certain I would see it at some point, I eventually gave up because I was distracted by Urb's bulging neck veins!  Holy butt warts!  One more Indiana TD and I'm positive it would have looked like the pig blood scene from Carrie.  Maybe Scanners for all you ELITE movie watchers out there.  But for realZ.  Your D, blows 5 o'clock shadow Dut penis.

-Commenter Brady
"Braxton Miller is a WAAAAAAY better passer than Denard!  DERP DERP DERP!!"  Deep throat something, asshole.  Miller vs. Robinson 7 games into both their Sophomore seasons...

Denard: 9TDs to 5INT 1319 yards passing completing 68% of his passes on 143 attempts
Miller: 11 TDs to 4INT 1271 yards passing completing 60% of his passes on 159 attempts

THE DIFFERENCE IS STAGGERING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MARVEL AT THE SUPERIOR PASSING SKILLS OF BRAXTON MILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Eat my shit and embrace reality already.  Denard Robinson is what you have to look forward to.  But hey.  You're fucking stupid so I'm sure you'll continue to believe that Braxton Miller is destined to be the black Drew Brees while you dream up some bizzaro stat/scenario in a sad attempt to convince me I'm wrong.  I'm sure defensive coordinators will never catch on that if you take away Miller's initial read he panics and takes off running.  No way they'll figure that out.  Quarterbacks that bail after the first receiver is covered and look totally uncomfortable in the pocket always turn out to be ELITE pocket passers.

-Michigan State
Wow is this team way worse than everyone originally thought.  They went from being considered a sleeper national title contender to losing to a team that makes vaginas out of dried corn husks in their spare time in a matter of 7 weeks.  Having said that...it would not shock me in the least if Michigan loses to these faggots this week.  It almost makes too much sense.

The Tardest

-West Virginia/Geno Smiff
The Iceman kiss of death strikes again!  Way to shit your pants the week before the BCS standings come out, dick blisters.  And after all these weeks while I was President of the Geno Smiff fan club.  I mean...dude's still filthy sick but nice work on being completely fucking invisible on Saturday.  On the bright side even after that aborted fetus you left on the field you're probably still the front runner for the Heisman.  Just don't fuck up again, loser!  I just can't believe what Texas Tech did to WVU's genitals.  The same thing I would imagine Greg Oden would do to any human female hole.

-The Iceman
As stated before, I was at the Michigan IlliNOISE game Saturday.  What I didn't mention is that I was a complete fucking moron and TWICE passed up on buying a five dollar poncho for a game that had a 60% chance of rain.  Trying to flex nuts on mother nature was an impressively bad call on my part.  It was comparable to any Lovie Smiff challenge during any Bears game.  By the time I tucked what was left of my balls between my legs and admitted defeat, it was the end of the first quarter and every last poncho in Ann Arbor had been sold.  A final "fuck you" to really drive the point home.  For the remainder of the afternoon, the rain did not let up and neither did my shit mood.  Moral of the story is...don't be a hero.

The Iceman Lock of the Week
So I'm back at .500 after Notre Dame crapped their way into an OT win against Stanford.  Is there any team in college football more lucky than the Irish?  It's like Brian Kelly has a rabbit's foot Prince Albert that he strokes before every game.  It's probably how he murdered that student and got away with it.  The magical power of the rabbit's foot Prince Albert strikes again!  Anyway...

Here's where I throw my balls out there and look really fucking smart or incredibly fucking stupid.  I'm calling for the huge upset Thursday night in Tempe.  Sun Devils (ROD TIDWELL, WHAT!) over the Ducks in a video game like shootout.  Listen.  I know that ASU hasn't played anyone this year but Oregon hasn't played anyone either.  Let's not forget that the Ducks always have that one game every year where they struggle against a team they should easily destroy.  This one's on the road against an offense that can hang with Oregon's high octane shit they pump out every week.  I think whoever has the ball last wins.  And that's ASU.  Devils 45 Ducks 42.

That should juice things up around here today.  I'll try and chime in to defend myself as much as possible but I'll be in and out since work has me by the short and curly's as of late.  Actually, I should say I'll show up to defend myself against anyone but Brady.  When you're wrong about shit as often as he is you lose your right criticize me about anything.  Peace, fuck faces.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The Worst Of Week Six Vol.VI

HEY MA!
If you are a normal man with a penis and testicles, you enjoy gambling.  I was the first to break the news last week that the casino was opening here in Columbus.  Mr. Ape bailed on us to mow the lawn(!), but Damman and I made the short voyage to Broad and Georgesville on Saturday afternoon to see what all the fuss is about.  After doing a courtesy trip around the perimeter and liking what we saw (there were football games on massive TVs EVERYWHERE), it was time to start gambling.  The poker room had a bunch of seats available so that was where we were going to start.  We were placed at the same table of 1-2 no limit.  After about an hour of playing like a pussy and folding a lot, it was time to start making moves.  It took me awhile to get comfortable but I started to figure out the table.  The black guy sitting next to Damman was just giving money away (AT LEAST $500).  The Chinese kid was an idiot.  The old black man who sat down only made it one time around the table before I took almost all of his money.  I can't stress this enough:  I got REALLY hot.

It wasn't like I was getting pocket aces either.  I was making good reads and raising smartly and getting heads up against morons.  I had a 30 minute stretch of 1-2 where I won about $350.  That should never happen.  And probably my best play of all was realizing that it was over and getting up off the table.  It was the best 3 hours of poker that I've ever played.  And a really nice feature of the poker room is that almost every table was open and they had big TVs all over the room with football games on which made folding a lot less boring.  I could not recommend the casino anymore.  I walked out of there after three hours with an extra 300 bucks in my pocket.  I give the Hollywood Casino my finest rating ever: 9 Chau Giang's up (on a scale of 10 Chau Giangs).  Anyway, there was football this weekend that had nothing to do with the Yankees being the worst team of all time so we might as well talk about that:

The Yankee "hitters" - I'm just going to leave this alone otherwise I'm going to write 10,000 words that will most definitely read like an assassination attempt against players on my own team.  Just know that I hate them so much.  I will have much more to say about this as soon as the Tigers send these losers home for the winter.

Ndamukong Suh - The most overrated player in the league keeps getting it done behind the wheel.  This week, he smoked some shithead and then drove away from the scene while the guy he hit had to follow him to the Lions practice facility.  Suh acted like nothing happened.  Suh is a cocksucker.

JJ Watt is the GR8ST - Ahem, no one would give a fuck about his batted balls if he was black.  FACT.

The Non-Doctors - I love how some of the idiots at ESPN and Fox are all like "RG3 is the future and he should sit this week" even though he was cleared by actual doctors.  If Doogie Howser says he can play, then he should play.  Go fuck your Mormon ass with a bottle of milk, Steve Young.

Matthew Ice - That was not the kind of game that an ELITE QB should have against a garbage team.  I didn't like what I saw from Ryan.  He dropped enough to F-bombs on camera that would make Rob Ryan blush.

RAINBOW TENOR - Yeah, Brady Quinn is not going to be this year's Tebow.

DeMarco Murray - I told you all that this guy is shit.  Even when he has a decent game, he gets hurt like the bitch that he is.

Dez Bryant - TOTES not a superstar on the football field.  Definitely is a stud at not paying his creditors.

Ray Lewis - Two straight games that Baltimore has given up over 200 yards rushing (I think).  It's all Ray's fault because he sucks and I hate him.  AND HE'S DONE FOR THE YEAR!!!  YOU DESERVE THIS, ASSHOLE!  However, Cowboys loss LOL!

LEGATRON - You know how Peter King wants to make out with Greg Zuerlein?  That love affair could be over now that the Ram rookie missed three field goals yesterday.  Whoever was doing color for this game nailed it: now that he missed one, how will he respond?  By missing two more, of course!

CHUCKSTRONG - I guess that his memory was ignored this week.  Andrew Luck was terrible.  Reggie Wayne was a ghost.  Shonn Greene had a 160 yards and three touchdowns.  Needless to say, this game did not need to be watched.

The Bingles! - It takes a special kind of terrible to lose to the Browns.  Weeden was great.  T-Rich hurt his cunt but it didn't matter because Hardesty played his one game of the year this week.  Joe Haden means a lot to that defense.  The Browns aren't THAT bad.  You have no idea how hard it was to write that.

Andy Reid - Just a terrible coach that has fooled way too many stupid people for far too long.  He deserves to get fired.  Who loses to THIS Lions team at home?

Power - My power went out from 4:30 to 8 last night which saved me from watching another dreadful Yankees performance (I didn't even bother trying to find a radio station picking up the call...I knew what was going to happen).  But that prevented me from seeing numerous classic DERPS in the late games and that ain't too cool.  RG3 was TRANSCENDENT and the Redskins won their first home game in OVER A CALENDAR YEAR.  Kevin Kolb is dead, I hear.  The 49ers' attempt at revenge went over about as well as hoping that Eric Chavez cures your awful offense.  And Pete Carroll used his crazy magic to vanquish Team WHITE in Seattle.  Also, Redskins fans (maybe just me) have already deemed Kai Forbath to be our best kicker since Chip Lohmiller.  He was 1 for 1 which puts him in the top 3.
The terrorists have won.
FANTASY! - Looks like another 3-1 week for King Cool (me) highlighted by reaching the 6-0 barrier in the DFL.  The DFL is the Yankees of fantasy leagues and I'm "anyone that has ever thrown a baseball".  Ide killed me in the G$FL though because I let Joe Girardi set my lineup this week.  Him beating ME?  There's a first time for everything.

That's going to do it today, folks.  Plenty of talking points between football, casino experiences, and continuous questions surrounding how much I hate my baseball team.  And I do.  I do not want to watch them "play" anymore.  What frustrated the shit out of me against Baltimore just makes me laugh now.  We are so bad that it's funny.  There is no chance that they win this series so they might as well get swept and get it over with so I can move on to something better (which is anything).  Don't get me wrong, I'm not rooting for this to happen, but I am so done with this lifeless and dickless team.  Major shake-ups need to happen this winter.  Maybe they should just quit baseball and join Dut's kickball league.  Dut sucks. While my baseball team may resemble the dumpster behind Planned Parenthood, just remember that I am a vastly superior poker player than you.  COUNT IT!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Playoff Baseball is Great, But SHIRTLESS J-RUPE is Better!

Who wouldn't TAPOUT to THAT!
This fucking beautiful picture popped up on Facebook the other day and The Iceman was quick to offer his oral services as a guarantee for it to show up here.  Keep your mouth to yourself, BRAH, because I was WAY ahead of you.  SHIRTLESS J-RUPE with a caption of "Porn LMAO" is about the most J-Rupe thing of all time.  I rest my case on the debate of Facebook vs. Twitter.  Twitter can not top this ever.  I should also add that yesterday, J-Diggity added "someone is gonna get an ass wipin!"  I like to think that J-Rupe is northwest Ohio's foremost expert on wiping ass.  This guy is the best.

Like I said, the results from yesterday will carry the day.

*At the time of this writing, the Reds have been eliminated because they couldn't get any timely hits.  That's a shame.  I like the Reds (I really do) but probably not as much as I like to point and laugh at the misery of other people.

*So we can all agree that Dut Baker is gone, right?  Prime was quick to point out that Dut now has the distinction of blowing a World Series (Giants/Angels), NLCS (Bartman series), and NLDS.  He has no contract for next year and I can't imagine that the Reds bring him back.  The only question remaining is will he claim racism this time.  Remember that?  When the Cubs rightfully shit-canned The Toothpick he pulled the race card out!  Classic Dut move!

*Are the ALDS over?  Can we laugh at the Tigers yet?  Or at all?

*Got any predictions for the Championship Series?  We're not going to get into baseball again until Wednesday so fire off your picks today.

Before I go, I was smart enough to send the wife and dog back to Nap this weekend which leaves me free and clear for debauchery.  Damman has been trying to pull together a Damman's Eleven to rob the Hollywood Casino tomorrow afternoon.  I AM IN.  I get to be Brad Pitt.  If anyone is interested in meeting up and taking down the casino in its first week, let us all know.  Let's get a crew together for some quality day gamblin'.

That's it for me this week, peckers.  Make sure that you spend at least some portion of your weekend taking topless pics of yourself. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

College Football At The Half Chub

Lemme tell ya--NOTHING makes me smile like stories from Pearl Harbor!
With the baseball playoffs consuming most of my time and energy this week (and hopefully for a few more), posts might feel half-assed around here for awhile. I mean, they always kind of do, but it is intentional this time. Anyway, so the college football season is pretty much halfway over now as a good chunk of the programs have played 6 games already. This is going by very fast, no? At this point, I think that it is acceptable to unleash some midseason awards for what we have seen so far*.

*Remember when I did this for the baseball season and gave the AL Cy Young Award to Chris Sale or Jered Weaver or someone not named the One Man Jug Band? Yeah, this is the same thing and will not be thrown back in my face later. I am simply acknowledging what has been accomplished SO FAR. If Geno Smith finishes the season with six straight games of Todd Boeckman-esque play, that isn’t my fault. Basically what I’m saying here is that Drew is dumb and should be sent to the gallows.

With that out of the way, let’s give some Halfways out:

Heisman – Geno Smith. No one else is even close at this point but I feel that three other guys are just as valuable to their teams as Geno is to the couch burners: Braxton Miller, Collin Klein, and Manti T’eo. I would actually love to see T’eo get invited to New York.

Best Team – Alabama. I am the first person to come out and say that this Crimson Tide team is ELITE!!! I wouldn’t be surprised to see them stumble but I would not bet on it.

Worst Team – Colorado. Earlier this year, they were losing 41-0 to an average Fresno State team five minutes into the 2nd quarter. As Damman eloquently put it, Colorado is the new Washington State.

Surprise! – Oregon State. This is a legit good football team. Ocho Cinco went to “school” here. That is hilarious. How does gutter trash from Miami end up in Corvallis, OR? Probably drugs.

YOU SUCK! – Illinois. I would say that Tim Beckman is better than this but I don’t think he is. Never trust an asshole in a visor (see: Stoops, Bob).

Little Guy of the Year – Louisiana Tech. Narrowly edging out ULM and The Ohio’s for this award, my upset special of the weekend is La Tech beating Texas A&M this weekend. Fuck OU.

Game of the Year – WVU 70, Baylor 63. Points are always more fun than no points. Also: games on TV are always more fun when you know that no one in the stands can read.

Worst Game of the Year – Notre Dame and Michigan…whatever the score was, it does not matter. It was sloppy and poorly played by everyone.

Best Coach – Bill O’Brien. I don’t want to give this to Brian Kelly so I won’t. The fact that Penn State is 4-2 right now is pretty damn impressive and not just because of what happened; but because those 4 wins were with that horrible McGloin kid at QB.

Worst Coach – Gene Chizik. It’s funny because he won a national title two plus years ago and might get fired this winter. When you get out-coached by John L. SMILE, it’s hard to argue that you deserve to be employed.

Worst Player – Montee Ball. He needs something like 10 touchdowns over the rest of the season to break TOUCHDOWN TRAVIS PRENTICE’s record for career scores. He is not half the player that TDTravis was (and probably still is). If you read about Ball getting his ass beaten into a coma, it was me. Montee needs to show some fucking respect to those that are superior to him.

Can Ohio State win the AP National Title? – Yeah, I suppose they could.
Will Ohio State win the AP National Title? – Fuck no. It’s going to the SEC or whatever team can actually beat the SEC in the BCS title game. It doesn’t matter what OSU’s record is when their season ends in November.

Who is going to play for the title then, smart guy? – I picked Florida State and LSU before the season began. I’ll switch to Alabama but still the Noles. They will get monster wins at the end of the season and sneak ahead of the Pac-12 champ to get in. The Big 12 will not have a legit contender even though it is by far the most entertaining conference.

Fire away, boys, and feel free to discuss whatever you want to. Tomorrow is not going to be a football post (I think) so here are some of my betting likes this week: Toledo -13.5 over EMU, Miami +7 over BG (WAY too high), Kent State -2.5 over Army (LOCK OF THE YEAR), and West Virginia -4.5 over Texas Tech. For what it’s worth, I have been KILLING these MAC lines over the last few weeks.  And if you want to talk playoffs (LOL Reds!), I will allow that, too.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

This Post Was Written Under Protest

We wear caps and sleeves in this league, Terry.
In case you have been living under The Rock for the past week, you missed quite the drama in Atlanta on Friday evening (which I will get into in a second). I don’t even know who the manager of the Braves is anymore so I’ll just say it is still Bobby Cocks. So the Braves lost but not before filing a protest to the league office. You see this happen every once in awhile and never stops coming off as a total bitch move. We lost but I AM TAKING YOU TO FAKE COURT! Has anyone ever won a protest? What the fuck even happens if a protest were accepted? I could easily look this up but then what would Drew do this morning? I’ve got a few blurbs to get to before I have my next meeting with Kevin Kurgis about how guys catching a foul ball and falling into the stands should not be called an out. Now THAT is outrageous.

*So about that Infield Fly – It didn’t look right and it doesn’t necessarily feel right, but IT WAS RIGHT. Don’t let the talking heads fool you: there is nothing about how far or how high a ball can or can’t travel to be deemed an IF Fly. Just because these assholes have a camera and microphone and the rulebook definition at their finger tips, does not mean that they know how the rule is applied. It was applied correctly which is why that protest was squashed almost immediately. I can understand why Braves fans would be mad, but they are just directing their anger away from their choking players and onto someone who is more fun to hate (although Sam Holbrook is a great guy). How about you make a few less errors and get a clutch hit instead of whining? Even if that call was not made, I have no faith at all that ATL would have capitalized. Stop acting like that call was a massive screw job because it wasn’t. Here’s another tip: whatever side of an argument Curt Schilling is on, the other side is always right. That fag can’t even balance a checkbook. Those government bailouts aren’t so evil now are they, you worthless tub of shit!

*So about that ball-tonguing – The A’s shouldn’t be coming public with how big of a cocksucker Al Albuquerque is. They should just know that this is exactly why the Tigers need to be defeated. No class at all on that team (see: Jose Velveeta, Prince Fielder, every single fan). Let’s just hope that by the team we read this, they are preparing for a game 4 and not still dousing each other with grapefruit juice and wearing goggles.

*So about that Tito guy – This is such a fucking terrific hire for the Indians that it makes my head hurt that this terribly run organization could do such a smart thing. I personally feel like Francona is the best manager in the last decade. Hell, I was hoping that Unfrozen Caveman Manager would get fired and they would replace him with Tito. However, they absolutely have to start spending now for this to mean anything. You can’t keep digging up retreads and has-beens and praying for a miracle Orioles season. I think that Windians fans should be cautiously optimistic with this hire.

*This “so about that” trend is wearing thin.  Fine, I'll stop now.

*You want to make a statement, Antonetti? – OK, so you absolutely have to trade Big League Choo this winter. There will be no further debate on that. He’s a year away from a new contract and he isn’t that good anyway so start restocking the bare shelves with whatever you can get. In my person opinion (Demetrious!), the Tribe should be getting into the 90-95 million payroll range to justify their managerial hire. What would I do to make a statement? Full court press on Josh Hamilton…it’s a quiet market without a thriving nightlife scene that should be welcoming for him. Start at 15 million per season and show everyone that you mean business now. Quit fucking around and go get a stud (even if it means over-paying).

*Cal (or Carl) Ripken Jr. is terrible – I don’t quite get why TBS is letting Mr. Oriole broadcast the Orioles/Yankees series. That feels like a huge conflict of interest to me. I will never forget when Cal was getting ready to break Lou Gehrig’s record and Rune mailed Ripken a death threat. That was just an amazing piece of 15 year old blood lust. I wish that you all could have seen that beautiful act of terrorism. Rune works for the government now! Anyway, back to the series, if I hear John Smoltz refer to a slider as a “Frisbee” one more time then I’m going to castrate my asshole neighbor who has needed a new muffler for 3 years (he sucks). Through two games, this has been a pretty good series. I am still mega confident in my team and disappointed that we won’t be sweeping those losers, but I like our odds.

*However, I would appreciate it if Mark Teixeira could run faster than Brady and Swisher and A-Rod would stop their competition for "Who Can Waste More At-Bats".

Did the Reds close it out? How about them trashy bastards from Murder City? How annoying are the Cardinals with their well-run team and constantly being good? It’s infuriating! Let’s get into it good and deep. All protests to this post are immediately rejected by the site administrator.