Friday, June 29, 2012

The Cavs Are Just Going To Keep Ignoring The LeBron-Sized Elephant In The Room

SHUT UP!  I DON'T WANT YOU!
Jesus fucking Christ.  Are you kidding me?  I had planned to do a whole winners and losers from the NBA Draft today but when my team gets a worse grade than teams without picks, well, prepare for a rant.

My Cavs went into the Draft with picks 4, 24, 33, and 34.  In theory, they were going to build some much needed depth.  In my mind, I was excited at the thought of putting a star and three solid role players around our already budding superstar.  What I got...was not so much.

Look, the worst case scenario happened and that was MKG and Beal going 2 and 3.  It was OK though because our front office has loved Harrison Barnes for years and there are some that think that we would have taken him #1 overall last year had he come out.  You can do a lot worse than a 1-2 of Uncle Drew and Barnes.

With the 4th pick in the NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers select Dion Waiters from Syracuse University.

WHAT THE FUCK!  It wasn't that hard of a choice.  Hell, Chad Ford said earlier in the day that the Cavs had narrowed it down to Beal, MKG, and Barnes (nice call there, faggot).  In a draft which contains 5 sure things, Chris Grant took the 8th best player overall at #4.  OMG.  How is this even possible?  Where am I?  On a team with almost zero outside shooting, they WASTE the #4 pick on a guy that sucks as a shooter?  FIRE EVERYONE IN THAT WAR ROOM TODAY.  I would have rather gotten abused by Michael Jordan in a trade up to 2 than to take a 6'4" fucking combo guard from a school that doesn't teach defense. 

Maybe they didn't care for Harrison Barnes; that's fine.  But why would you draft a guy at FOUR that refused to work out for ANY team?  What exactly made you fall in love with him?  I want goddamn answers here.  If there is one positive about Waiters, he does get to the rim at will and is built like a tank.  But that is the problem.  I'm afraid that our management staff thinks that they just got the next Wade and I'm about 99% sure that that isn't true.

I'm not worried about how he never started at Syracuse.  Who cares?  The coaches there like to touch little boys.  He was the best player on the team by far and closed every game.  I don't why he was a sixth man and I don't care.  Not hearing his name announced when the lights are out doesn't make him shit.  If you think that that is a big deal then you are a tard and should work for the Cavs.

However, I am pretty excited about the team coming up and getting Tyler Zeller.  They gave up the rest of the draft to get him, but he fits in extremely well and is going to be a rock solid player in the league for a decade plus.  He runs the floor well, rebounds, and shoots free throws well.  I like this pick a lot.  It sucks to give up 3 picks, but a team that drafts Dion Waiters at 4 shouldn't be allowed to draft more than 2 players anyway.  Zeller is just a really good player that a really dumb team just landed.

I don't know--maybe I'm overreacting.  Usually, when you are picking high you need a superstar and we already have ours.  Maybe Waiters is going to be a solid #2 player for the team and Zeller does his thing in the middle.  It still doesn't hide the fact that LeBron left two years ago and we still have done nothing to replace him.

It's just disappointing to go in thinking that you are going to stock the cupboards and end up with two players; one of which you never wanted and was a reach.  I will change my stance on firing everyone, I suppose, but this front office is on notice: Waiters and Zeller better hit or you're all fucking fired.  Other notes:

*Sullinger to the Celtics--who called that?  Not Drew because he is dumb.
*Enjoy Andre Drummond.  Iceman hates it, Drew loves it.  I'm going to need The Wig Master to break the tie!
*One more thing about the Cavs: Michael Jordan fucked us over again.  Charlotte is the ONLY team out there where MKG wouldn't be a good fit.
*Anthony Davis's pre-Draft meal was a dozen tin cans.
*The ESPN coverage was very good.

Whatever, I'm done.  Time to start chugging Drano.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Iceman and G$ Win The Lottery!

The Four Horsemen are getting desparate, aren't they?
The NBA Draft is tonight!  WEEEEEEE!!!  Between the awkward foreigners, black dudes 8 times the size of David Stern, Jay Bilas made up words, and fast pace, this is always an ELITE event.  How did ESPN make it better this year?  THEY GOT RID OF STUART SCOTT!  Rece Davis will be taking over for Mr. Def Poetry Jam tonight and my ears are very much pleased by this development.  Maybe Rece will throw in a few "progrims"!

Anyway, as I have mentioned numerous times this week, Iceman and I did an alternating pick mock draft of the lottery (much like Simmons and Chad Ford although ours was done first, bitch!).  The results are as followed.  One probable change that would have been made after the fact; Beal is definitely not going past #3.  Other than that, we're set on our beliefs.

1. New Orleans - Anthony Davis PF/C, Kentucky (G$). This pick requires no explanation so instead I'll just mention that I was umping with Damman two Saturdays ago and some kid had a unibrow. It was terrifying. Are unibrows the new mustaches???
Iceman: Unibrows are the new Buddy Holly glasses.
G$: Teenagers need to be wiped off the Earf.

2. Charlotte - Jeffery Jordan! Just kidding, but that's something MJ would do. Because he's a fucking idiot. The real pick for Air Terrible Owner is Thomas Robinson PF, Kansas (Iceman). Because after "everything", the answer to what Charlotte needs the most is a nasty, snarling PF with boar tusks and a mean streak that would make a rapist blush.
G$: I can't wait for Jordan to make this pick. You just know that he wants Barnes thinking that he will sell tickets and forgetting that 95% of UNC fans hate him.
Iceman: MJ is the black Al Davis. Only more alive and with fewer band-aids covering up fizzing shark bite sized geysers on his forehead. 
G$: By acquiring Ben Gordon, I think that Robinson has to be the pick (unless they trade).  It's not that Gordon is good or anything but he's already the best player on that team.

3. Washington - Michael Kidd-Gilchrist SF, Kentucky (G$). I actually like the Wiz building around Wall and Nene and getting the head cases out of there. The next move is to get one of the hardest workers that you'll ever find and a guy that immediately makes them better at both ends.
Iceman: Getting the headaches out?? You're aware that's JOHN Wall, right? Beal makes more sense to me here so Washington can stop pretending Jordan Crawford is worth court time/money/putting into a jersey/insert insult here.
G$: I don't mind Crawford. He spaces the floor. Ripping on Wall? You must be reverting back to your alter ego of Cowherd T. Cowherd. 
Iceman: Can it. You know Wall has a rep for being a pouting ham wallet.

4. Cleveland - Bradley Beal SG, Florida (Iceman). Beal in Cleveland is the no brainer choice here if the draft falls this way. I mean, it's waaaaay too early for Terrance Jones and Cleveland already has their PF of the future in Luke Harangody locked down anyway. So they can safely ignore that position for the next 12 years. If nothing else, Beal gets rid of Anthony Parker. And I think you would agree we all win in that situation.
G$: Yeah, Beal isn't dropping below 4. He and MKG are interchangeable. A guy compared to Ray Allen is what this franchise has needed for TEN FUCKING YEARS! 
Iceman: Cleveland will find a way to trip over their own dick. Gilbert will probably try drafting Danny Ferry again...or dead Tractor Traylor.
G$: I fucking loved Tractor Traylor the one year that he was here and destroyed the paint like Earthquake.

5. Sacramento - Harrison Barnes SF, North Carolina (G$). This is not the right situation for Barnes at all as he needs strong leadership and the Kings offer none of that. And that is what makes this pick work because it would be dumb and the Maloofs are tards. But no one else really makes sense for them here. Iceman: I've read Barnes ceiling is Luol Deng. How depressing if you're a Kings fan. Are you saying Demarcus Cousins showing Barnes how to effectively smuggle coke out of Cuba isn't a strong act of leadership??

6. Portland - Tyler Zeller C, North Carolina (Iceman). Portland needs a center worse than Greg Oden's fuck buddy needs a newly constructed vagina. It was either Drummond or Zeller here and if I'm a GM, I take the guy who works his God damn tail off on both ends of the court. I feverishly avoid the guy who often plays like an infected piss flap, who's only offensive move is "dunk" and who also shoots 29% from the free throw line. No fuckin thank you, Drummond.
G$: Your dream of having Andre Drummond becoming a Piston is gaining steam!!! 
Iceman: Well, Dumars does need a new zero offensive game guy who is impressively abysmal at the free throw line now that Ben Wallace is retiring to pursue his career in becoming a full blown alcoholic.

7. Golden State - Damian Lillard PG, Weber State (G$). How do you make a fanbase that already hates management hate them even more? Draft a player from Weber State naturally! You can't count on Stephen Curry to play point or stay healthy and you already dumped Monta Ellis for a guy that looks exactly like Iceman so you better take the best PG in the draft.
Iceman: Agree the move here is a PG...but I actually think Kendall Marshall will be the best PG in this draft. His pass first mentality would fit perfectly with Golden State's offensive weapons. And maybe he could persuade Andrew Bogut to FUCKING RETWEET ME EVERY ONCE IN A GOD DAMN WHILE! Not that I'm bitter about it though...
G$: For some reason this made me LOLZ.  I like the idea of you telling Bogut that you are his twin and him ignoring you.

8. Toronto - Andre Drummond C, Connecticut (Iceman). And I vigorously fist pump knowing that Dumars can't bury the Pistons even more with a crippling tardo pick like Drummond. Having teams remove players like Drummond from the board before Dumars can pick is like taking power tools away from a small child. Damage control. Look...Drummond could turn out to be a nice player in the end but there's just too many negatives surrounding him for me to chance it. But if you need a center like Toronto clearly does, you sometimes have to take risks.
G$: You pussy! You know that you wanted Drummond in The D!
Iceman: I cannot allow you to fake draft a sure fire bust to my favorite team. Detroit is already in deep shit as it is without you spoon feeding Dumars turd soup.
G$: Oh, I can draft you a bust...

9. Detroit - Perry Jones III F, Baylor (G$). IF this guy can consistently play hard, he has the skills to be a Durant-type player. I don't know what the offseason will bring for Joe Dumars, but if your 3-4 spots are taken up by Prince, Jerebko, Charlie V, and Jason Maxiell (the worst player in the league) then you could always use a guy with big upside and actual talent. Plus, I think that Iceman would have quit if I gave him Meyers Leonard.
Iceman: Jesus Christ I hate this pick. If Dumars drafts another project who lacks motivation I may go fucking catatonic. Henson is the pick here if Dumars even has a quarter of a brain. Henson's offensive game is questionable but at least he's an ELITE defender and an even more ELITE rebounder. Most importantly...he doesn't need to be cattle prodded to play hard.
G$: Just admit that you wanted Brittany Griner.
Iceman: \nods in agreement. As long as we get her hairy balls too.

10. New Orleans - Jeremy Lamb SG/SF, Connecticut (G$). I'll tell you what, assuming that they re-sign Eric Gordon, you can do a hell of a lot worse than a Gordon/Unibrow/Lamb trio. That's a playoff contender immediately. But to be fair, I have no idea who the hell else is on this team. Jarrett Jack? He's real, I think.
Iceman: You nailed this one. Who knows how long Eric Gordon's brittle vagina will hold up. If nothing else you get a viable replacement for Gordon's inevitable season ending injury.

11. Portland - Dion Waiters SG, Syracuse (Iceman). I'm not totally in love with Waiters but Portland could use better guard DEPF and Waiters has the potential to develop into a pretty solid combo guard. His jumper is about as appealing as Octomom's soon to be released porno featuring her mangled beef curtains (YUCK) but he's a savage on the defensive end of the court. Besides...realistically Portland will never have to lean on him offensively so I'm not THAT concerned about his terrible jump shot.
G$: You had me at Octomom.

12. Milwaukee - John Henson PF, North Carolina (Iceman). This team is fucking AWWWWWWFUL and one pick isn't going to fix the giant skid mark of players they have. Henson can play power forward or center and would be a YOOOOGE upgrade for either position right now. I still can't believe how fucking stupid Drew Gooden's duck tail was. He needs to be dick punched.
G$: Yeah, this should be the pick. I disagree that this team is garbage though. With Jennings and Ellis, they are wildly entertaining. Henson will only make them even more fun to watch.
Iceman: They start Carlos "Dracula" Delfino. The defense rests.

13. Phoenix - Kendall Marshall PG, North Carolina (G$). This is a no-brainer. They are going to lose Steve Nash for nothing in the next month or so and any rational person would have flipped him to a contender at some point over the last three years. They need to replace him. The Suns are a really bad franchise.
Iceman: Steve Nash PG for your World Champion Miami Heat?? Could be! Great pick here, G$. I love Marshall's game and think he's destined to be a stud for the next 12-15 years.
G$: I don't really like Marshall at all.  This team is about to be the worst team in the league.

14. Houston - Terrance Jones PF, Kentucky (Iceman). I though about Sullinger here but I heard Houston doesn't carry Sully's bra size. Big tittied bitch. Houston is set at the guard position but needs to get bigger and more physical at the forwards. Jones has the chops to play either small or power forward but also has a reputation for being a little cry baby cunt. We saw Jones dialed in during the NCAA tourney and I'm hoping that's the Jones that Houston will be getting.
G$: I disagree here.  They think that they're going to get Duh-wight and they won't which means it's Marcus Camby's corpse and a fleshlight at center for them.  Meyers Leonard is the pick (and since they swapped Dalembert and this pick to Milwaukee for the 12, it makes more sense...these goddamn teams keep fucking up our work).

G$: You got anything else?
Iceman: I chug jizz.  Like, LOTS of it.
G$: Can I quote you on that?
Iceman: Of course.  Balls don't lie.

Enjoy the draft tonight and remember that all of you readers (and especially you commenters) have tremendous upside potential and LEMPH.  And Austin Rivers is a total chode.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Nick Swisher Sure Does Smile Alot

The fuck?
Wow. After yesterday’s “Fun Run with the Undead” and the rest of the week revolving around the NBA Draft (deal with it), that just leaves today for me to fill with decent content. Since the mediocre Cleveland Indians are currently in New York facing my AllWeDoIsHitHomeRunsAndWeWon’tWinShitInOctoberDoingThis's. Now I’m not going to bore you all to tears and analyze how awful Josh Tomlin is or how a team can be assembled as if left-handed pitchers don’t exist because that would be a rotten post. Instead, I’m going to talk about smiling. That’s right, ya ‘eard me!

I am well aware of the hypocrisy that I’m about to show. I know that I often go on and on about how much I loathe Tony Romo because all he does is grin and name his son “Hawkins” and wear his Starter hat backwards like an asshole. It’s hard to say exactly why I hate his happy-go-lucky sideline demeanor, but I do and that is good enough for me. Where was I? Oh yeah, Damman posted this on my FB wall Monday night during the opening game of the series.

I’ve come to realize that I despise Nick Swisher. Does that douche ever not have a huge smile on his face? Nobody can possibly be that happy all the time. It’s as infuriating as watching Damon and Kotchman hit back to back.
This isn’t the first time that I’ve heard people complain about Swisher’s jovial nature. Hell, John Kruk pretty much came out and said that he hated him on Baseball Tonight about a month ago because he thinks that it is way over the top--so much so that it shows up the opponent. Now I don’t know about all of that, but I assume that you would at least want to hear my take as a guy that roots for Swisher Sweet on a daily basis.

Look, I like Sir Swish. When he came to the team in 2009, he gave them a new attitude that was long overdue. While I think shaving cream pies are REALLY GAY, it was better than the old Yankees who showed zero emotion and acted like accountants (boring). He was sort of a breath of fresh air so to speak. Some media types warned that just like in Oakland and Chicago, his act would get old and eventually, they would have to cut ties with Swisher. So far that has not happened. He is still the guy that plays a passable RF, he can hit, and the fans love him.

Now with all of that, you get a lot of “DUDE BRO”-style interviews, exaggerated smiles, and tongue-wagging toward the fans. It comes with the territory. I’ve learned to accept this as just part of him even when I think it is, at times, unnecessary and makes me roll my eyes. But that is who he is as a person and a ball player. I’m not here to try and convince you to like Nick Swisher or argue that you’re wrong for hating the way that he carries himself. He is a modern day Brett Favre (without the douche and cheap denim) in that “he’s just having fun out there”. I don’t think that it’s fake. I think that that is just his personality. This is the same guy who gives a ton of money to Ohio State (paid for the field turf installation even though the last thing that that athletic department needs is more charity) just like George Steinbrenner did/does still so you know that he has weird priorities. I don't care for my Yankees supporting the Fuckeyes.  And he’s married to this…
I was disappointed by the lack of sexy photos of Joanna Garcia.
Yet it does feel like he is constantly The Joker this season. I don’t think that he’s ever not grinning. And thus, I totally understand why the usual Yankee haters might hate him the most. Sometimes it does feel like he could be laughing at your guys and that would be a bush league thing to do. I’m just glad that he’s been on the team for the last few years (and this could be the last year since he is a free agent at season’s end). While most find him annoying, I’ll just keep assuming that he’s a good DUDE BRO who enjoys what he does for a living and has a real connection with the fans. Not every athlete wants to be a loathsome, vile asshole like Dwyane Wade, Kevin Garnett, and Jose Valverde. 

There you go; something to talk about today. Laugh at the Indians slow collapse or share your feelings on Swisher or whatever the hell you want; it’s fine by me. As teased last week, The Iceman and I did an NBA lottery mock draft which will be coming straight at you like DC The Brain Supreme tomorrow and I may do a live journal of the Draft for Friday.  Whatever happens, you will be entertained.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Run For Your Lives!!!

                               Fat, ugly people are always the first to go.




Before I get started, there's something you all should know about me. I fully believe one day a virus that transforms the dead into the undead will be created.  Like...legit believe that. Most people just chuckle and play along like I'm delightfully clowning when I reveal this vision of mine. The moment they realize I'm fully sincere it usually becomes pretty awkward for them. It's pretty funny to watch the mood flip from "HaHa" to "What a God damn fuckin freak" in a millisecond.  But I TOTES don't give a fuck.  The reason I'm telling you this is A) I don't give a fuck if you shaft shiners rip on me for it since we've already established I'm the smartest motherfucker here. And B) it directly ties into what I'm writing about today.

Now, I've been a believer for years that people are too damn smart for their own good.  We dabble in shit we probably shouldn't be and take chances on ridiculous ideas that may or may not work.  What we can do with technology all the way down to every day household items is getting pretty fucking scary.  It's like...this could make your missing hair grow back.  But it could also make your arms sprout baby penises from the shoulders to the wrists.  Decision time.  How important is getting your hair back?  Meh...I guess I'll just wear long sleeves if the whole arm penis garden thing happens.

Think about it.  All it's going to take is some crack pot scientist who just cannot find a way to cope with losing the person he cares about the most.  Hello extra curricular late night shifts alone in the lab attempting to create a serum that can solve all my depression issues!  Admit it.  It's not a crazy idea.  Shit...10 years ago you couldn't take pictures on a cell phone.  Now you can make your own home made porn in 3D on a cell phone and share it with a guy in Pakistan who plans on beating off to it while the neighbor's goat licks hummus off his ball sack.  Tell me in 10 more years there won't be even more mind blowing shit happening.  But I'm getting away from the point...

Basically what I'm saying is that I have a pretty intense fascination when it comes to all things zombie. So when I received a text from my brother last October asking me if I was interested in paying $70 for a chance to run from zombies on an obstacle course in the middle of a wooded area, my response was simple.  "I'm listening.  Tell me more..."  What I got back was this link.  As you can tell (if you clicked on the link I so conveniently provided for you), there is a brilliant individual out there who was able to capitalize on a fucking tremendous idea.  The zombie 5k run...and I was a participant this last Saturday just outside of Indianapolis.  Here are a few highlights.

- One thing I learned about myself after driving 4 motherfucking hours one way for a 5k race, is that I will do just about anything when it comes to quenching my zombie obsession thirst.  I woke up at 5:30 in the morning in order to be able to drive there and make my wave on time.  Guess what.  I would do it again  It was that awesome.

- I randomly ran into 2 guys I went to high school with after I was done running.  That was pretty trippy.

- Another thing I learned is that running 3 miles a day, 5 days a week for 2 months does absolutely nothing to prepare you for a race of this caliber.  I was told back in January that I should train as if I were doing a half marathon.  As soon as the dildo who told me that turned around I fuckin air wanked the shit out of him and blew a sizable air load onto his back.  Well...it appears that the joke was on me.  This race was 3 days ago and as of the time I'm writing this, it still feels like I was shot putted into a brick wall about a thousand times.  Mental note:  Next time less air wanking, more half marathon training.

- To answer your question, yes.  It was worth every God damn penny spent and worth every last mile driven.  I've already decided if it comes back around to this area, I'm going again no questions asked.  Once you're on the course path, the feeling is so surreal.  I actually felt the adrenaline surging through me and a pretty intense sense of fear creeping up every time I turned a corner and saw a 15 to 30 sized zombie hoard waiting for me.  I shit you not, everything felt more real than I ever thought it could.  Not one zombie volunteer broke character which honestly totally made the experience.  Nothing would have been worse if these assholes weren't taking their shit seriously and just acting like normal people.

- I got fucking electrocuted.  You read that right.  One of the obstacles was a big barn in the middle of the course.  We had to climb through the window and maneuver our way to the other side.  There were wires inside of a barn hanging from the ceiling with an electric current running through them that actually brought me to my knees.  Since the barn was pitch black there was no possible way to know the wires were live until it was way too late.  I later found out that a runner in the wave before me actually had a seizure and had to be rushed out by ambulance. The whole "sign this waiver" shit we did right when we arrived was starting to make a whole hell of lot more sense at that point.

- And finally, I lived.  When you receive your race packet, inside is a running bib, timing chip and belt with 3 orange flags.  The flags are your life and the point is not only to finish, but finish with flags...or alive.  It wasn't until I looked around and realized that my brother and I were in the small minority of those who still had flags at the finish line.  That was a really cool feeling for some reason...and here's the explanation I came up with why it felt so awesome to be alive.

I think it was mostly because when I hit 30 (those of you who have reached this milestone know EXACTLY what I'm talking about) I noticed that I couldn't do some of the things athletically I was used to doing before with relative ease.  Basketball made my knees sore.  Running made my ankles ache for days.  Weight came on a shit ton faster than it came off.  It's pretty depressing when you come to the realization that you aren't the same athlete as you were at 20.  Watching your body break down and knowing that there isn't much you can do to stop it absolutely fucking blows...especially if you like staying active like I do.

So at 32, for me to not only run a 5k, but run a 5k while climbing rope walls and sprinting through streams that came up to my knees and getting fucking electrocuted by live wires and clawing my way up enormous hills all while being chased by about 1,000 zombies AND making it across the finish line alive with flags intact was a incredibly empowering experience.  It told me that I don't give myself enough credit.  It told me I can still do shit like this even though I'm getting older.  It told me that I'm not as washed up as I thought I was 6 months ago when I couldn't run without the aid of two knee braces.  It told me that I have way more left in the tank.  And that is a fucking great feeling to have.  In one of the few "serious" posts I will ever put up here, I urge every one of you to try something like this if given the chance.  Prime, you've got two races coming your way if you're anywhere near San Diego or Olympia.  Do it.  Seriously.  Most people will just snicker at this and say something like, "Dude...it's just fuckin zombies.  Stop being such a fag.".  But it's really more than that.  It's a confidence boost that all of us need every once in awhile when we're feeling crappy about getting old.  It was for me anyway.  Alright...enough of the lame shit.  TITS!

Monday, June 25, 2012

The End of Jerry Sandusky is Nigh

Never a bad day to wear SUEDE!!!
In case you were wondering what an awesome person like myself was doing on Friday night, well, I spent three hours watching the NHL Draft.  That's right, the NHL Draft.  Sure, I had never heard of any of the people that were selected that night but I had to make sure that Blue Jackets GM Scott Howson was still embarrassing himself.  He was!  Anyway, it was all worth it when the news broke around 10 pm:

JERRY SANDUSKY GUILTY OF 45 OUT OF 48 CHARGES.

For as stupid as this country's legal system can be, they got it right this time and they got it done fast.  Jesus Christ, the 4 beaners that murdered Sean Taylor are still awaiting trial for some dumb fucking reason and that happened five damn years ago.  I don't think that anyone was surprised by this; Sandusky was always going to prison.  Hell, even his idiot lawyer Joe Amendola seemed to not be trying to win.  That guy is a terrible lawyer.  I can't believe that he is still allowed to practice law.

Just off the top of my head, I can't think of a worse human being in this country in my lifetime (that hasn't killed anyone).  I mean, come on, we all know the stories by now.  Taking advantage of your position in life and raping boys for decades is about as bad as it gets.  There will be a special place in Hell for a guy that:

*had sex with double digit+ boys
*used his charity as his own pimp service
*somehow convinced his wife to cover up the damage and stand by him throughout all of this mess
*taught many poor souls how to properly shower
*taught many poor souls how to properly grapple in the shower
*believed that giving young boys raspberries on their stomachs was not wrong
*THE FUCKING TICKLE MONSTER!!!
*And this might be the saddest--raped his adopted son

Jerry Sandusky used the goddamn adoption process as his own personal sex slave auction.  If this stuff doesn't piss you off then you have no soul.  This is the worst of the worst.  I heard on ESPN that after the verdicts were announced, he just turned to his fucking idiot wife Dottie, shrugged his shoulders as if to non-verbally say "Oh well", and then was taken from the courtroom in cuffs.  His hands were cuffed in front of him (probably to hide his boner).

The bad news here is that the path of destruction that Sandusky waged for decades is still littered with ruined lives.  The good news is that this fucking monster is going to die in prison and won't be able to hurt anyone else again.  At a minimum, I think I saw that he'll serve 60 years with a maximum of over 400.  I like these absurd numbers.  I want the judge to come back during sentencing and say, "I sentence you to 81,000 years of incarceration".

So with all that being said, it's time to fire up the old commenter draft again.  I know enough about prison from books, Oz, and movies to know that rapists don't last long in the clink.  No one respects kid diddlers.  He was found guilty of his atrocities on 6/22.  Sentencing is expected within 90 days.  For the time being, Sandusky is under suicide watch while in solitary confinement.  So let's take a guess that The Tickle Monster finds his way into Gen Pop around mid-September.  When does Jerry Sandusky get killed?  It's going to happen.  It's like LeBron winning a title; it isn't if but when.  I'm going to double up on my recent victory in the NBA Lockout Arrest Draft and go with a sentimental pick for me...

September 30, 2012.  G$'s birthday.  A fine present for me indeed.  He isn't going to last long at all in there.  So pick a date and see if you can successfully forecast when a real shithead meets his deserved end.  And I really don't want to talk about this cocksucker again until the day after he gets killed in prison, so whatever you have to say about Captain Raspberry, get it out of your system now.  And, as usual, feel free to spout off about whatever else you may want to talk about today.

Friday, June 22, 2012

This Will Make No Sense If OKC Won Last Night

Dear LeBron,

If you’re reading this letter then that means that you finally did it and I swallowed enough Drano to kill Gary Busey. You are an NBA champion at last. I’m sure that it was a long, tough, and stressful journey for you but it is over. You can finally say goodbye to Karl Malone and Charles Barkley and other ringless wonders for you will be kissing the Larry O’Brien Trophy for the rest of the summer.

A lot of emotions have been stirring up inside of me during this year’s playoffs. I kept most of them locked up with the plan to reveal them at the right time. Well, there probably isn’t a more right time than now. I don’t want to dwell on the past any longer. Holding a grudge is something that I will do for the rest of your career, but it isn’t something that will consume me like it has over the last two years. You and I both know the details and nothing can be said or done to make me accept what happened two years ago. Basically, I just want you to know that you made me a die-hard NBA fan again and I supported you even when you refused to shake hands after a playoff series loss and wanted to be a global icon and showed up all of your opponents. I was behind you 100%. And my reward for that was a hot, steamy shit all over my forehead. Just because I'm German doesn't mean that I like to be shit on. But enough about that—this line of thinking isn’t going to get us anywhere.

Something funny happened to me after game 3 of your series with Indiana this year. You guys lost so I felt inclined to watch your post-game press conference just to get some laughs. However, just watching you react like a normal person, I actually felt sympathy for you. You were carrying yourself like a guy who had the entire weight of the world on your shoulders and that it was beginning to crush you. I thought that I saw an innocence that I interpreted as a person that was in over his head. I felt bad for you. But then my big, smart brain reminded me that you asked for ALL OF THIS so I went back to my usual logic of despising you at all costs. Just know, though, that for an instant I was back on your side once more.

Ever since that moment, you have changed. Since game 3 in Indianapolis, there is a different aura around you. You aren’t mean-mugging your opponents now. You aren’t pandering to the crowd anymore. You almost looked detached. What we as fans once knew of you and your style is completely gone. Whatever happened, something changed and you have carried yourself with a win-at-all-costs demeanor. It’s almost as if you are now Kobe Bryant out there. It has seriously been a pleasure to watch. Like I said, I don’t know what was the turning point or what made it finally click for you, but it looks like the switch has finally been turned up to 11 for good and you have realized that championships are all that matters. Bill Simmons said it best:
I don't care how much you hated "The Decision" — if you can't appreciate what LeBron James is doing right now, you need to start following another sport. It's one of the greatest night-to-night athletic feats we have ever witnessed.
And he’s right. This is what everyone wanted to see from you since you came into the league: the stone cold killer who attacks the game and never settles. It is unfortunate that you never understood this while in Cleveland, but it is refreshing to see that you finally “get” it. You get what is important. It’s not about branding or being an icon or making the top ten every night—it is about being the BEST. And it appears that that is what matters to you now. You’ve grown up.  It sort of sucks that I can't cheer for this version of LeBron.

I hope that you see what I see now that you have that illusive ring. I see that it was never about not having players around you. It was always about you wanting it. You didn’t need Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. You really didn’t. You needed to be Kobe Bryant. It was always that. It was always about taking the game and championships as seriously as they are. Basketball is a fun game but to be the best, you have to outwork everybody and want it more. You said that you wanted championships over the first 8 years of your career but your actions never matched with your words. Now they do and now you are being rewarded. Just know that one insignificant blogger out here truly believes that THIS LeBron that we saw in the summer of 2012 could win a title anywhere and with anyone. You did not have to destroy your legacy and charm to get to where you are now.

I am still having a hard time figuring out how I feel about this though. I’m not sad that you won. I’m not angry. I’m certainly not happy or proud. When you came into the league, we were told that you reaching the mountain top was just a formality. You were going to win rings by the fistful. It took a lot longer than we all expected, but you did it and now a lot of the haters of the world like Dan Gilbert, myself, and the rest of America get to swallow all of your shit. I guess that if I had to sum up my emotions right now, I would say that I’m going through the final step of The 5 Steps of Grieving. I’ve reached acceptance. I accept that no matter how hard I cheered against you and how much I wanted you to keep failing, you were too great of a player to keep coming up short. So I have no other choice than to accept you as a champion. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t think that this justifies what you did, but I have accepted it and maybe now I can finally move on.

I will never come out and say “congratulations” because part of being a great sports fan is to never give in to your hate. But I have had to watch the Red Sox and Cowboys win a combined 5 titles so it’s not like it is the first time that I’ve had to eat shit. I guess that the best I can do is tip my cap to a hell of a basketball player that finally put it all together and achieved his dream even if it was at the expense of me.

Just know that I will always root for you to lose until the day that you retire and probably until the day that I die.  I am neither forgetting about what happened or forgiving you, but as a sports fan, I don't like to see wasted talent.

Whew, I feel better. Hell, if I've got to watch scumbags like John Calipari and Jeff Carter win a title this year, we might as well crown your ass while were at it.

--G$

Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Not-Quite-Midseason MLB Awards

I am no Steve W. Sparks.
OK, fellas, now I'm ready to talk about how a journeyman pitcher has taken over the world with the use of his trusty knuckleball.  RA Dickey!  What a story.  As I mentioned on Monday, I just finished his autobiography last week and it is a really good book and story.  He was molested multiple times as a child.  He carried that burden for over 20 years before coming clean.  He was born without that elbow ligament that James Andrews likes to fix and that cost him his entire signing bonus as a first round draft pick.  He gave up two home runs to Chris "Big Red" Shelton in one game.  He was told to go to the minor leagues and learn how to throw a new, weird pitch after never throwing one before.  He thinks that he has pitched in every minor league park in America.  He almost drowned while trying to swim across the Missouri River.  He managed to figure out the knuckler and now is dominating the game with it.  It's truly an incredible story of perseverance.  He is sort of a real life Rocky Balboa.  I'm rooting for the guy even if he is on Ide's fantasy team.

So with the season, I don't know, 10 weeks old, how about I give out some awards?  Let's start with an easy one:


Mike Miller Award for White Trashiest Player - Justin Verlander.  Hey, this is going to be easy!


AL MVP - Adam "Not Pacman" Jones.  Obviously, Josh Hamilton is the favorite here but the Rangers were going to be good with or without him.  The Orioles are still hanging around the top of the East and Jones is the biggest reason why.
NL MVP - Joey Votto.  This one didn't require too much internal debate.  I would like to stop hearing about how he's the best hitter ever or any of that junk.  He will never be as good as Matt Stairs.  I would also like to acknowledge the incredible play of Melky Cabrera in SF.  Who would have ever guessed that he would be a borderline All-Star?


AL LVP - Joe Mauer.  Blaming the size of their stadium is a pointless excuse that I'm not buying.  Mauer has 3 dingers this year.  Trevor Plouffe has 14.  It isn't the field, it's him.  FACT - Joe Mauer owns the worst contract in sports.
NL LVP - Ryan Zimmerman.  Go figure that both LVPs are on my 11th place terrible fantasy squad.  The Nationals are in first (I think) in spite of their best player being completely worthless.  And I mean that--Ryan Zimmerman is COMPLETELY WORTHLESS.

AL Rookie of the Year - Mike Trout
NL Rookie of the Year - Bryce Harper
These were not difficult awards to give out.  Fuck Yu.  The game is going to be just fine with these two leading the charge into the next generation.


AL Manager of the Year - Buck Showalter.  Robin Ventura is a distant second but the fact that Baltimore isn't on pace to lose 95 games is a miracle.
NL Manager of the Year - Don Mattingly.  They can't possibly keep this up but the Dodgers just keep winning in spite of having a team filled with Juan Pierres.  Chris Capuano is garbage.


Alan Trammell Memorial Worst Manager in the AL - Ron Gardenhire.  Although I want to take a moment to mention how much I hate Joe "Old Lesbian" Maddon.  Stop calling him a mad genius.  He bats Carlos Pena at lead-off and puts on shifts for every hitter.  That doesn't make one a genius.
Alan Trammell Memorial Worst Manager in the NL - Ozzie Guillen.  The Marlins should be better than this.  Maybe if their skipper wasn't a Commie then they would be.

AL Cy Young - Chris Sale.  No one else really jumped out at me here other than CJ Wilson and he will always be eliminated from awards because he doesn't drink.  Sale is ridic SICK.
NL Cy Young - Dickey.  With all due respect to Matt Kane and Cubs Dumpster, Dickey is flat out PWNing everybody.

AL Mike Maroth Award - Ubaldo Jimenez.  When it's a miracle that you walk less than 2 guys per game then you aren't a top of the rotation starter.  Period.
NL Mike Maroth Award - Tim Lincecum.  Now there is talk of Big Time Timmy Jim moving to the bullpen.  Someone get this guy some better weed. 

AL Octomom Award for Biggest Gash - Evan Longoria.  This pussy gets hurt every year.
NL Octomom Award for Biggest Gash - Troy Tulowitzki.  I feel like he does, too.  My point is that if you want to be a superstar and a face of the game then quit getting fucking hurt, you pansies.


AL Comeback Player of the Year - Kevin Millwood.  I honestly thought that he was dead and now he's out there throwing 67% of a no-hitter.
NL Comeback Player of the Year - Johan Santana. 

I hate the Comeback Player award.  They always give it to someone who came back from nothing.  Like this year they will probably give it to Adam Dunn who inexplicably has 23 home runs already.  Why are guys being rewarded for "coming back" from shittiness?  That is stupid.

That's it.  My pointless award show is now over.  If you're looking for something bad ass to watch this weekend then look no further than ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball telecast.  You could do a lot worse than watching RA vs. CC.  That game might last less than an hour.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Doctor Satch Says "NBD"!

Invisible Double HJ!
I have made it quite clear that I am an NFL and NBA Draft junkie. Mock drafts consume way too much of my life when the Drafts start creeping up. But it makes sense considering that my teams are usually picking near the top so I better be well-versed in my scouting (that no one cares about) and opinions (which no one REALLY cares about). Now I have always been a firm believer in the old adage that “if you are ready to go pro then you should always go pro”. ALWAYS. You’re only hurting yourself by sticking around college for another year. You can always go back there but the window to be a pro never re-opens. As a general rule of thumb for ELITE athletes out there; when presented with a tough choice about your future, do the exact opposite of what Matt Leinart did.

Jared Sullinger is about to find this out the hard way as the likely certain top 5 pick in 2011 is about to find himself out of the lottery in 2012. Sullinger has been “red-flagged” by the medical staff of the NBA (likely tested at the Combine last week) due to his past and present (and they assume future, too) back issues. Those spasms that he had last December? Yeah, they are coming back to fuck him. Most are now speculating that Sullinger will not go in the top 14 and some teams have already classified him as a second rounder at best. I guess that some teams only draft players that they assume can play for 10-15 years (NBA teams are dumb).

First things first, obviously you can not predict the future. OJ Simpson seemed like the greatest guy in the world and he went on to murder his wife and a waiter. The past doesn’t always predict the future. Maybe Sullinger takes advantage of world class health professionals that NBA teams have and never has a back issue down the line. But unfortunately the cat is out of the bag and the stigma is now out there. NBA teams are being told that his body will not allow him to have a ten-plus year career in the league. As a guy that already had many doubters due to a lack of ELITE athleticism and was staring at a career as a poor man’s Carlos Boozer anyway, this is kind of a killer.

Second, ESPN reached out to Jared’s old man, Satch, for his take on this story. Satch, who is a basketball coach and most definitely not trained to diagnose anything other than the Mikan Drill (YES!) said that this is not a big deal at all. Jared just has tight hamstrings and other muscles! He’s getting deep tissue massages and doing yoga to STREMPHEN his core! Sorry, dad, but the damage has already been done and no one is believing your extremely biased opinion. But he’ll go to a better team for it.

The last player to get red-flagged like this was DeJuan Blair a few years ago. Now, Blair was not the prospect that Sullinger is, but if I recall, he was penciled in as a late first rounder. He ended up falling into the mid 2nd to San Antonio. However, things have worked out pretty well for the bruising big man with no knee ligaments so it can be done. As far as where I see Sullinger ending up, I had seen most projections for him going around 14 (give or take a few picks) to Houston. Now, I expect him to not make it past Boston’s 2 picks at 21 and 22. If he’s still around for Ainge, the Celtics would be all over him in my opinion. And if he’s still around at 24, I would be furious if the Cavs didn’t sprint to the podium.

Let this be a harsh reminder though: GO PRO. If this wasn’t enough of a lesson; please study the career of current Money Shot celebrity of the month, Greg Oden’s Penis (featuring Greg Oden). As far as the NBA Draft is concerned (a week from tomorrow!!!), The Iceman and I are currently involved in a high risk game of alternating picks Mock Drafting that will be unleashed on Draft Day. Excited? You better be! I’m picking for the Pistons! He’s picking for the Cavs! WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!!! A few other topics to wet your whistle in case you don’t want to discuss Jared Sullinger’s “back-iotomy”:

*Speaking of the Draft, it sounds like Harrison Barnes is sky-rocketing up the board right now. Rumor has it that both the Bulls and Celtics want to get into the top 4-5 and take this kid. That’s interesting considering that Barnes looks like he’d rather be doing anything else than play basketball over the last two years. But these are two smart teams so maybe they know something that we don’t. I can’t see either team being able to pull it off though. The Bulls don’t have any non-Rose pieces that anyone wants and the Celtics’ best offer would likely be Pierce, #21, and #22 and that won’t cut it. Either way, it makes me feel a lot better about the prospect of Barnes ending up in Believeland.

*Game 4…is it over? Because if the Thunder didn’t win last night then it’s over and I need to start preparing my 8,000 word post about LeBron and I do not want to write that yet.

*Michael Jordan just hired the ASSISTANT coach from St. John’s University to be the new HEAD coach of his Bobcats. Michael Jordan knows absolutely nothing about basketball. NOTHING AT ALL. Although if the alternative was a coked-up Quin Snyder than Charlotte needs to get their team taken away again. They literally have zero talent outside of the Byron James Triple Threat. I can’t wait to see who they take at #2 next week. It’s going to be awful. Maybe they’ll re-draft Bismack Biyombo!

*Roger Clemens is INNOCENT! I don’t particularly care about this except that it’s quite obvious that the great Rusty Hardin is an ELITE hillbilly lawyer.

Time for me to skedaddle, I’ve got to get to my yoga class and then spend three hours Mikan-ing the shit out of the paint (DOUBLE YES!). This blog leads the nation in Mikan Drill references.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Another One Bites the Dust

 "Just wait until my lightsaber is out of the shop.  Then we'll see who the pussy is."



One thing I learned fairly quickly about getting older is when you have ELITE drinking weekends with Money Shotters, the body takes awhile to right the ship.  I think it was about 2PM yesterday afternoon when I didn't feel like a rotten penis hole anymore.  But it was worth it, God dammit.  A highlight that went unmentioned was me forgetting Jeff's name literally two minutes after G$ had to remind me that he went to Napoleon.  Sometimes I can be pretty rad...especially when I introduced the group to the groom to be and completely bricked on Jeff's name a second time.  Even as I'm writing this there's still a portion of my brain that's telling me that I'm still not getting that name right.  Oh well, he's fuckin Jeff now if he wasn't before.  DEAL WITH IT!

So as you all know, a chapter of most of our football lives has come to a tearful close with the retirement of the player formerly known as Ladainian Tomlinson.  I wanted to recap my favorite (or not so favorite) LDT moments today but first I must share this.  Today I received the most retardedly retarded text in the history of retard texts.  From none other than my Jacksonville Brother, Tardus Maximus.  Now Tardus and I once had a conversation about 5 years ago about LDT and how quickly he will be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  Tardus' stance was, and remains, that LDT will NOT be a first ballot HOF'er.  I know.  You want to punch him in the belly until there's bones in his stool.  So do I.  So we made a wager that will be finalized at a later date (since we have 4 years to figure this shit out).  I told him make sure that it's something he doesn't mind parting ways with because there's no way in Jesus Titty Fucking Christ I'm wrong about this.  If I am somehow wrong, Grumpy will take us all out for ribs again.  FACT!  Anyway...just wanted to share a very Cowherdian statement from the one and only Tardus Maximus.  Onward.

One of my more fond memories is drafting LDT in his rookie season for $24 on a $160 cap.  I was unanimously picked to finish last in the league that year and was raked over the fucking coals for spending such a stupid amount of money on a rookie.  But LDT's 1,200 yard, 10 TD rookie campaign made for a great invitation for the entire league to suck my butthole and gargle my spray farts.  I mutilated everything in my path spear headed by LDT and Rich "I don't know how NFL overtime rules work" Gannon.  Honorable mention goes out to Stephen Davis and his 1,600 yards from scrimmage.  It was one of the few times I purposely drafted a Redskin.

A not so fond memory is any time I played against this motherfucker in 2006.  And since I'm a sick bastard and usually have five or six teams every year...it was a lot.  You all have been there.  Some games I found myself gritting my teeth so hard I thought I was going turn them to dust.  There was no avoiding the anal wreckage of LDT in 06 if you were unlucky enough to not have him.  He would Car RamRod your crap factory and not even blow you a kiss afterwards.  You just knew you were getting fucking destroyed whatever week you happened to be playing against him.  Those were dark fantasy days for me.

Call me gay all you want, but that Nike commercial with LDT and Polamalu gives me the fucking chills every time I see it.  It's still one of the best I've ever seen to date.  Speaking of commercials...this one still cracks me the fuck up.

Finally, LDT still takes a lot of heat for the AFC Championship game in 2008 when he sat on the bench doing his best Darth Vader impersonation.  The way he acted never bothered me.  The fact that he wanted to play so bad but couldn't was so infuriating to him all he could do was sit there and be pissed.  I feel his pain.  I've been there.  Plus would you want to risk a career ending injury for Norv Turner?  Fuck no you wouldn't.  We're talking about a guy who should be fired every single year yet somehow continues to keep his job and LDT's supposed to risk tearing a knee ligament for him?  Uhhh, no fucking thank you.  You know you agree with me because we all have our Norv Turner's.  Mine was Walt Behrman.

It was incredible how quickly Tomlinson decayed.  I mean, it was pretty much overnight wasn't it?  On one hand I'm sad to see him go because he was such a talented back, but on the other hand I'm thrilled.  Never again will I have to waste a late round pick on him with the false hope I can squeeze one more productive year out of his creaky bones.  Now I just have to figure out what I want to win off of my dipshit brother.  God Speed, LDT.  Now go replace Michael Irvin and his earwax gold suits on whatever NFL pregame set he makes totally unwatchable.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Monday's Post Starring The Iceman and Greg Oden's Penis (featuring Greg Oden)

Father's Day.  What a glorious day this is.  I am a married guy with a dog yet, for unknown reasons, I have been granted this day as my own.  Nothing beats a free day to be a sloth.  I was able to watch a movie, watch the Yanks sweep the Natitude out of DC, take a nap even after sleeping in, and watch golf all while making a minimal amount of moves and not having to converse with any other human.  Father's Day rules the world.  Every day should be Father's Day.  On a completely unrelated topic, The Iceman was in town this weekend and, as usual, when Money Shot Maniacs get together, big things happen.  Celebrities flock to us like Grumpy to a Real Housewives marathon on Bravo.  We'll finish today's post with that big-dicked story.  But first, some quick blurbs regarding Ohio State and Michigan football!!!

Actually, before we get going, I couldn't secure an interview with Jerry Sandusky.  Honestly, nothing that I could say would be any worse than what has already been said in court.  Raspberries?  Soaping clinics?  THE FUCKING TICKLE MONSTER?  I can't top that.  This whole story continues to be the worst.  That guy needs to be sawed in half.  Onto the news...


Mewhort/Stoneburner - Remember when these guys got arrested for waving their penises at traffic during The Memorial?  Well, it was something like that.  Urban 3:16 decided to yank their scholarships for the Summer as punishment.  This sounds good but is quite transparent as a slap on the wrist.  Are these guys even taking classes over the Summer?  If not, then this means nothing.  And I guarantee that they won't be walk-ons once school starts in August.  But, it's at least something so I'll give him a little credit.  One thing that will be interesting to follow:  I have learned that one of the Fuckeyes superstars could be looking at a "violation of team rules" coming up.  I made a promise to my source not to divulge anything further, but I will be disappointed if nothing happens to this guy after seeing that Urban is willing to publicly shit on two guys that pissed in a parking lot.  Let 'em live, Urb.  And if you want to know what I know, don't even bother asking me when I'm sober.

The Hokester - I was driving home from work on Wednesday and the first story on the Sportscenter update was about Urban throwing out the first pitch in that night's Indians/Reds game in Cincinnati (because that is HUGE).  The second story was how Brady Hoke referred to the Fuckeyes as "Ohio State" at a football camp earlier that day.  THIS IS APPARENTLY NEWS AROUND HERE.  What a fucking cowtown this is.  "You only call it a cowtown because it was founded by a cow."--Lenny Lenford.  This city sucks.

Best LB of the 90's? - The Big Ten Network was on one of the TVs at Ugly Tuna (shitty bar) on Saturday night and they had this show on.  They rated Simeon Rice as the best LB in the Big Ten from the 90's.  That's fucking weak sauce.  Lavar Arrington was 2 and he should have been one and Pat Fitzgerald should have also been ahead of Rice (who was more of a goddamn DE anyway).  I really like shows like this and it led to our group sharing a few barbs about Andy Katzenmoyer's class schedule.  No one was more aware of AIDS than Andy!

MAY THE FORCIER BE WITH YOU - Oh, Tate, when did it all go wrong for you?  I actually know the date.  9/15/2009 to be exact.  Mr. Ace is the best.  Anyway, after just leaving San Diego State this past year, The Force tried his luck in the CFL.  Well, after one preseason game in which he threw 4 incomplete passes, Tate was relieved of his duties as a Hamilton TigerCat.  The Forcier will forever be with us, but it is no longer with Tate.  Tate Forcier is shit.  Nice skull cap, homo.

US Open - Ugh, Tiger sure did skeet all over his face on Saturday, didn't he?  If whoever won warrants mention today then feel free to talk about it.  I know that I probably won't because I'd rather watch basketball than prime time golf.

NBA Finals Game 3 - I expect a monster night from Russell Westbrook and an OKC victory.  Iceman and I had a fairly good conversation about the NBA the other night and I had way more to say before his party bus left but it is probably better left said in a future post.  Needless to say, I could write a book about my feelings on LeBron (and for the record, I have very little negative to say about the serial killer out there now).  Speaking of the NBA, what about that guy that got drafted before Kevin Durant...

Greg Oden is ELITE - So let's get to that final story, eh.  We're at Ugly Tuna (not by choice) and this is apparently a place that has given commenter Drew a lifetime ban from their premises (can't wait to hear that story).  Anyway, Ice had just bought a round of Jager shots (gross) when a massive black dude walks in and, to his sexy credit, G$ is quick to point out the Greg Oden-ness of Greg Oden.  This is going to sound strange, but he doesn't look that big.  Obviously, he is a legit 7 foot tall, but I expected that to look taller than it was.  He wasn't limping around at all and just took a seat at the bar with a few friends.  A few notes about this:
-Iceman's buddy commented how shocked he was that Oden was not with a white girl.  We all nodded in agreement.  Racist?
-Iceman himself kept talking about how much he wanted to compare dicks with the great Oden snake.  That was a bit uncomfortable.
-Damman wondered if Oden being at a college bar was sad and/or pathetic.  I came to Oden's defense because I believe that he's back trying to finish his degree while rehabbing and getting ready for 2013 and he wasn't making a scene.  He was just sitting with friends.  It wasn't like he grabbed the DJ's mic and screamed "WHO AM I? PETEY PAB MOTHERFUCKA!"  He was just trying to blend into the crowd as much as 7 foot black guy with a huge dong and millions of dollars could do.  I'll allow it.
-Damman bought him a shot.  Bold move considering we were JUST TALKING ABOUT how Oden had a problem with alcohol while in Portland (that Titus wrote about for Grantland).  ELITE enabling right there!
-Iceman just walked up to Oden and wished him the best of luck in his comeback.  Oden said that he appreciated the kind words.  Then they shook hands.  It might have been the only time that Iceman has even shown compassion and empathy for his fellow man.

In the end, Oden seemed like a good dude.  I am rooting for him even though it looks like he might be trying to grow out dreads (don't do it, Greg).  What we learned today is that between Ted DiBiase and Francisco Cervelli and Greg Oden, only the best of the best come out to play when the Money Shot Maniacs get together.  The way that things have been going, that homeless fucker with the golden voice is going to show up at the DFL Draft.

Friday, June 15, 2012

D-Lowe Vs. Dut...WHO YA GOT?

A few weeks ago, I had a streak of, like, three straight posts where I talked about the Cincinnatta Reds. I haven’t mentioned them since! And here I am still calling myself a Reds beat writer. Shame on me! The first edition of the Battle of Ohio wrapped up yesterday afternoon and (at the time of me putting fingers to keyboard for this post) it looks like the Reds are going to sweep the Indians which makes sense because the Reds are way better. But in case you missed the game on Wednesday night, and I assume that you did because these two teams carry little interest outside of Brady’s awful Twitter feed, there is some bad blood a-brewin'! The I-71 War is being fought primarily between two old generals: Derek Lowe and Dut Baker. I got around to reading the postgame quotes yesterday and I could not stop laughing at the childishness and monster-sized gashes of all parties involved. And Mat Latos is hilarious.

OK, so apparently D-Lo Brown drilled Joey Votto in the back with a pitch 3-4 years ago. Crafty Dut (who is not crafty at all) waited until the time was right for revenge and decided that Wednesday was perfect. He had Latos burn a 96 mph fastball up around Lowe’s head. It didn’t hit him but the message was received loud and clear. Nothing really transpired on the field after that but they waited until the microphones were in their faces to really let loose on their true feelings. Let’s go to the tape and breakdown who won this battle!

Lowe“This goes back to my last year with the Los Angeles Dodgers (2008). He made up some phony story. A lot of people got involved. People almost got fired over it. You can ask him right now and he’ll say she has no idea what you’re talking about. But just watch the game. Mat Latos has nothing to do with what has gone on. How would he know? Why in the world would you throw a 96 miles per hour fastball, first pitch, inside to a pitcher? Ask him.”
--Can someone please explain to Derek what a “grudge” is? If Dut believed that you hit his superstar on purpose then why you so mad bro? In Lowe’s world, if he hits a better on purpose, you are only allowed to retaliate back at him if the pitcher throws less than 96. Make sense? Good!

Baker -This is something I want to make a public scene or a public spectacle out of. He’s the one who brought it up. He had some really choice words for me, but I don’t care if he respects me or not. I don’t care what he says. Doesn’t matter.”
--Oh Dut, no one respects you. I think that he may have left a word out of his first sentence. Does he or doesn’t he want to make a public scene? Because, to me at least, he most definitely appears to want to make a spectacle out of this minor skirmish.

Baker again - “Then he takes exception to a ball inside that didn’t hit him. Then he hits Brandon Phillips. I’m not denying nothing. I didn’t tell (Latos) to hit him, but I did tell him to buzz him and make him uncomfortable. And that’s what happened. Nobody hit him, but then he hit our guy.”
--Dusty makes a good point once you weave through his love for double negatives. Maybe Lowe spent too much time around Manny and thus always overreacts to balls that don’t hit him.

Baker is on a roll - “Since he made it public, go ask him what he said and what he did. Since he is such a big man who likes to run his mouth about himself. Man, I don’t care. A lot of people don’t respect me, but he doesn’t respect himself. The word was, that whatever he did and said, he was probably drinking at the ballpark at that time, three or four years ago. So he doesn’t remember what he said, or what he did.”
--Best quote right there. Dusty calls him a “big man” and follows that up by certainly pronouncing it “mouf”. Then he goes into how nobody respects anybody and then finishes up with a wild accusation of Derek Lowe pitching while drunk. That right there is AWESOME.

Lowe - "Three years, I've always come up with men on base. This is the first time I came up with no one on base. Dusty, I was pointing at him because I knew why it happened, and he shook his finger like he had nothing to do with it."
--Derek Lowe points at the Reds dugout like the Royal Rumble winner at the Wrestlemania sign. Dusty Baker is baseball’s Dikembe Mutombo. FACTS!

Baker! - “I wasn’t shaking my finger to say I had nothing to do with it. That means, ‘Don’t mess with me or my team.’ That’s what that means. So he better learn sign language.”
--Dusty IS Dikembe! I wonder if he owns a pair of those God awful early 90’s African tribe-inspired Adidas high-tops? Who thought that Mutombo should get his own shoe anyway? Derek Lowe is the least deaf-friendly pitcher in baseball according to the Reds skipper.

Latos - “If I wanted to hit him, I would have hit him. Flat-out. I would have hit him. It wouldn’t have been something that was close. It was 96 and inside, a two-seamer. I throw inside to pitchers and I’ve never heard a veteran pitcher whine so much. It is whatever he wants to think and we’ll let him play into his ego. If he wants to whine about it, let him whine about it.”
--Pretty tough words for a guy whose slutty-looking wife tries to fight his battles on Twitter. Latos wouldn’t be asking all of these whine-related questions if he knew that Lowe’s middle name was “Dwyane”.

Latos - “Lowe doesn’t throw hard enough for it to hurt, so I wasn’t too worried about it. If he wanted to retaliate, he could have. But he didn’t. That’s pretty crappy, to be honest.”
--BOOM! One T Mat just threw the hammer down! Not only is Derek Lowe a pussy, but he’s also a huge fag!

Dusty, what is that book titled ‘Have We Lost Our Common Sense’ doing on your desk? - “I haven’t started reading that book yet.”
--It’s funny because he’s black and probably can’t read!!! LOLZ!!!

So who won this war of words, fastballs, borderline Ebonics, and bizarre grudges? They all come off as petulant children and since this entire exchange is hilarious, I deem “America” as the true winner here. I’m sort of upset that none of these guys busted out a “That’s a clown question, bro” like Bryce Harper so eloquently said. And if you are looking forward to the next time that all three of these babies get together for a good old fashioned game of beanball, then look no further than Monday night when the scene shifts to Lake Erie and we get Lowe/Latos PART DEUX. Tremendous.

Feel free to chime in early and often about game 2 and remember to make alternate plans on Saturday so that you have an excuse for standing up Iceman. Yankees (16 out of 20, pissfaces!)/Nationals this weekend? Yes please!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Prepare To Be Disappointed

Chin up, Tom Brady, this isn't the end of the world.
As you all know, I have been on a quest to become America’s next big reality TV sensation for quite some time now. The journey has been filled with trials, tribulations, doubters, haters, supporters, and THE OVERRATED ELITE (this will be the name of my future boy band—in ALL CAPS of course; I call dibs). As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I should know either way if Big Brother wanted me around Memorial Day. Well, I know now. I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. Let’s get the bad news out of the way first.

All #BB14 semi finalists have been contacted. Finalist decisions have not been made yet.
— Robyn Kass (@Kassting) June 1, 2012
So the dream is over. Some-fucking-how they did not fall in love with this gorgeous mug. It’s their loss. Good luck trying to beat the Olympics in the Nielsen ratings without me, you FAGGOTS!!! It can not be done. I HELD THE KEY TO RATINGS DOMINATION. But, it’s not all bad news. Actually, I was able to come up with 10 facts that constitute good news!

10. I don’t have to leave She$ and the dog for 2-3 months. I’m writing this just in case the missus checks in today. Considering that she is halfway through a million hour work week, I doubt it. But still, I better be safe. Plus I’d really miss the dog and his love of trying to push me out of bed in the middle of the night.
9. I didn’t really want to do it anyway—I’m sorry, that is an absolute fucking lie because I TOTES WANTED THIS! And so did all of you.
8. Hey, at least now I get to watch the show and make snide remarks about how much better and more entertaining I am than the assholes that they picked over me. It’s going to be a weird summer in that aspect. I love this show. It is the best thing on in the summer. I hope that I can sit there for three hours every week and not carry any animosity toward it.

7. Now we can finally spend our income tax refund. The wife told me that we weren’t going to spend that money until we knew for sure if I was going to be on as it would help her out with bills and whatnot while I would be in the BB house. We are getting a new flatscreen for the bedroom and I get to pick it out. That is my kind of shopping. She can pick out the new fucking water heater. I don’t care about that.
6. Another year without my dong appearing on the internet. Here’s the thing about Big Brother: cameras are literally everywhere and they are constantly rolling. When you change clothes, it is all broadcast live throughout the world. There are numerous sites that aren’t hard to find that post stills of nudity in the house. It is a huge violation of common decency (but it can be arousing!). Keeping L’il $ covered up isn’t the worst thing in the world.
5. Drew promised to burn down CBS if they denied me. GO FUCKING GET ‘EM, KID!

4. I will be able to attend all of my fantasy football drafts this year AND DEFEND MY TITLES IN PERSON. As I mentioned after I won them, there will be a coronation ceremony and it will be extremely flamboyantly gay. I earned the right to be a Queen for a year, n-words.
3. I had lined up Andy K/Jionni to draft my DFL team. Now that is unnecessary. I dodged a YUGE bullet there! Thanks for volunteering though but YOU’RE FIRED!
2. I will be in attendance for the Miami/Ohio State football game (tickets have been secured) to watch the Urban Meyer Era start 0-1. This will be followed by me running onto the field (naked?) and spending the night in jail. I can’t wait.

1. Nothing about this blog will change. I was sort of worried about that; about new roles being carved for everyone. It’s sort of like how the Yankees were so used to having the man available in the 9th inning for 15 years and then all of a sudden, he was gone. In this analogy, I am blogging’s version of the greatest closer of all time. Fear not because my knee ligaments are just fine. I didn’t want to have to ask Iceman to go three days per week while Drew and Grumpy each take a day anyway. Yeah, that was my plan. Don’t worry; it isn’t going to be put into action.

Obviously, it’s disappointing as no one likes to be rejected but since they just sort of ignored my request to take their show to the next level, I’ll deal with it. It isn’t like I’m sitting here and contemplating the Junior Seau way out. He was a pussy. I am not! I said all along that I was only go to try this once and, while I meant it, who knows, maybe I’ll get the itch again in 6 months and will want to try one more time. So there you go; you won’t be able to brag about how you know a really famous person. You’ll just have to keep talking about the time that you wore a baja shirt with Gerald Laird down in Cincinnati. Again, sorry to disappoint and we have a wide following of lawyers here that can represent you in your arson trial, Drew.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Bobby Bowden Done Got Him An Idea!

LOLZ!
As this blog continues to be at the forefront of breaking college football news, it is my pleasure to finally get around to that Bobby Bowden story from last week. In case you missed what the octogenarian had to say, Bobby told ESPN that he would love to be on a committee to help determine the participants once a playoff format has finally been decided on. According to Bowden, he watches game film on his iPad! Well, dadgummit, get that man a ballot! He’s almost OVER-qualified! Former Texas A&M bad coach, RC Slocum, thinks that old coaches would be best to handle this responsibility because they are used to the public criticism. Ugh, someone put a fucking FOR SALE sign in his yard.

However, the idea isn’t necessarily a bad one once you ignore the fact that this was pretty much what The Harris Poll was supposed to be and ended up meaning baby shit. It would be a great idea to assemble a group of voters (a small group) and make them sit in a room every Saturday and watch football games to determine who deserves to be slotted where. Hell, put them in a room with a big table like the Sons of Anarchy clubhouse with 15 flat screens and endless chicken wings and get this shit right. Bias is never going to be eliminated (EVER) unless you just go strictly based on what the computers say and no one wants a Macbook Pro to set the football final four.

I am on board with this idea (although it needs a lot of work—don’t worry, I’ve done the work). Here are some things that I would consider to be musts if a playoff committee could ever be put into practice:
*Accountability – Every ballot by every member needs to be made public
*Mandatory Media – Yeah, fucker, you’re going to sit in front of the camera and explain why you fell for Frank Beamer’s shit AGAIN
*Variety – I don’t want just old coaches sitting around and falling asleep in their recliners
*Little Bias – As you will see below, most of my choices for my committee are long out of the game
*Out of the Game – Speaking of which, none of the chosen few should be involved with college football

So with those guidelines in place, allow me to unveil my Bowden Playoff Committee…

Ex-Coach – Bobby Bowden! Well, it was his idea after all. Plus, he sort of reminds me of my late grandpa. However, every hour someone must yell WIDE RIGHT directly into his (assumed) ample ear hair.

Ex-Ass Coach – Mike McQueary! It’s not like old ginger dick is going to be coaching ever again anyway. You might as well get some use out of him. He will probably end up being the bitch of the group; getting fresh beers and whatnot.

Ex-Commentator – Keith Jackson! Is he still alive? I think that he is. I’d like to think that he and Bowden could tell some ELITE stories. And Keith has seen it all.
Football is the greatest.
Ex-Brent Musberger Boner Producer – Jenn Sterger!. She set the internet on fire almost a decade ago after showing up to Florida State games looking like a stripper in a Brett Michaels dumbass hat. Her reward for bravery was numerous Brett Favre dick shots. She’s earned this. Sterger is a hero.

Ex-Superstar – Orenthal James Simpson! I already wrote about this years ago. Foresight; I has it.

Ex-Analyst and Current A.D. – Trev Alberts, University of Nebraska-Omaha! It’s my “team”, dammit, and I need someone who will poop all over the Buckeyes. I will never ever forget Trev’s rant about Ohio “being a nice team”. What an asshole this guy is! He’ll be a perfect fit.

Ex-“Analyst” – Craig James! After securing 4% of the vote in his bid for a Senate seat and thus giving up his job at ESPN to pursue this pointlessness, The Pony is now out of work. For as bad as he is at living life, he isn’t THAT bad at breaking down the games. He’s just an awful person and an even worse helicopter parent. BUT HE BELIEVES IN AMERICA!

THIS WAY TO THE MGM GRAND!
Ex-Official – Stephen “Art Shell Ref” Pamon! Do you remember this guy? He got fired by the Big Ten a few years ago because he owed a fuckload of money to casinos throughout the Midwest and some were wondering if he was a black Tim Donaghy. I was a huge fan of Art Shell Ref. I take great pride in giving him work and helping him out of debt.

That right there is a solid group of 8 that is ready to take college football to the next level. Oh shit, what about a potential tie in the voting process? No problem, we’ll just bring in the greatest running back in the history of the world, MISTER TRAVIS PRENTICE, to break the deadlock. What time is it? TRAVIS TIME! Actually, I should probably have this entire committee liquidated and just have TDTravis decide who gets to be in the playoffs. Thoughts?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

NBA Finals Preview

                                             "Those are boobies."



I had three options going into tonight's post.  Stanley Cup closeout game, preview the NBA finals or just post a fleet of pictures of me sucking my own dick.  Considering that we all have some sort of vested interest (well, most of us) in Heat vs.Thunder and only Dut is itching to see those dick sucking pictures...I figured let the people speak and go with the majority here.

First let me say that after careful thought, I think this series is going to be closer than I originally anticipated.  The Thunder play a little soft on defense but they protect the rim better than almost any team.  At the other end, the Heat play a physical type defense the Thunder have yet to face and out hustle almost every team to loose balls.  It's going to be physical and there is going to be a lot of Dwhine Wade pouty faces in the direction of the officiating.  I hope Joey Crawford officiates this series and I doubly hope he shows up in his KKK Imperial Wizard whites.  Let's check the match ups.

Durant vs. Lebron - Push.  Anyone who says anything other than push eats poop.  Lots of poop with hair and blood in it.  When you're talking about two guys that are clearly on another level talent wise than everyone else on the planet, you can't give a clear cut advantage.  Sure, Durant may be a better closer than Lebron but we've all seen Lebron take over games when he's locked in.  And tell the Celtics mangled shit pipes that Lebron isn't locked in right now.

Westbrook vs. Chalmers - Westbrook.  I mean, I would be a complete skid mark if I picked Chalmers here, right?  Right.  And I'm not.  But the gap is closer than people think.  Chalmers is a weird player.  He looks really, really good some nights and others just disappears.  I don't think he'll ever put it together and get to that next PG level, but he's better than he gets credit for.  Chalmers is a good shooter, excellent at the stripe and if he can take Rondo to the hole at will...he can do the same with Westbrook.  The only downside is that Chalmers can't guard Westbrook.  Because no one can.  Westbrook makes any defender look like they're twelve beers deep on no food.  It's pure filth.

Harden vs. Wade - Harden.  I went back and FORF on this one and ultimate landed on the guy with the hobo beard that probably has last night's Popeye's chicken buried deep within the hairy infrastructure.  Harden had nards of fucking steel against the Spurs last round and does so much damage as the 3rd scoring option.  He doesn't need 30 shots to get his like Wade and doesn't take nearly as many ill-advised fall away 20 footers while double teamed.  Harden is an underrated bitcher though and has been known to get untimely technicals.  But, there's no way the student out-bitches the teacher.

Ibaka vs. Bosh - Bosh.  Bosh may be a complete beav on defense but his offensive game is so much more advanced than Ibaka's.  Bosh has transformed into an ELITE 3-point shooter as of Saturday and helps keep dickfaces like Kendrick Perkins from squatting in the fucking lane for eternity.  The real advantage is Bosh gives you pristine FT shooting while Ibaka shoots a blistering 66% from the line.  Ibaka can block anything that comes near the tin and is a great defender but I'll take a good rebounder and good scorer over an ELITE defender any day.  No matter how big of a fur burger Bosh is on the other end.

Bench STREMPH - Thunder.  This was a no brainer based on the fact that the Thunder have the 6th man of the year.  Derek Fisher has found a way to be way less old and far more likable now that he isn't fighting off Ron Artest prison rape attempts in the shower.  The Thunder also get bonus point for not having Eddy Curry and both of his floppy tits on their sideline.  Plus any bench that employs Mike Miller loses all credibility with me.  As established before, we should kick Miller out of the white race.  He's making us all look bad with his trailer park tattoos and Justin Verlander posters on the inside of his locker.

Brooks vs. Spoelstra - Uhhh.  Push.  Because they're both bozos.  Listen.  Make no mistake about it...these guys are average coaches.  Period.  The way Tim Legler publicly blows Spoelstra you would think Legs' next move is to give Spoelstra his Varsity jacket.  Swallow his load already and move on.  Give Brooks or Spoelstra the Pistons, Wizards, Cavs or Bobcats are see how "great" they are.  And by "great" I mean "fired in a year begging for their old assistant's job back".  The Heat and Thunder have four of the top ten players in the league right now.  I hope to high holy Christ these coaches can win some God damn games with this kind of talent.  NBA coaches have zero to little impact on whether or not the team wins.  I mean...give me the fuckin white board.  I know how to draw Durant at the top of the key with the ball with everyone else tucked away in the corner furthest from the basket.  I'll even add word balloons from my stick figure mouth that read "Stay the fuck out of the way and go let Durant be awesome."  Simple.

So my prediction is Thunder in seven.  It's not that I really think this will go the full seven, it's more that I really want it to go the full seven because I think this series is going to be pretty fucking awesome.  And I want Brady to have to endure basketball for as long as humanly possible.  Because Brady sucks.  Last thing...since Prime brought it up yesterday, why don't we get a head count of who is still doing the MSFL this year.  I'm in.  I know it's too early to pick a draft date but we can hammer out some details and any changes we want to get made.  My change proposition is that we eliminate the TE position since we have a RB/WR slot and a flex spot.  If Grumpy is dead set on starting Heath Miller every week he can put him in the flex spot.  Alright assholes...do your thing.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Big Ben Still TOTES A Changed Man

U MAD BRO?
It was a busy weekend in the vast realm of sports.  You had:
*The Heat beating Boston in 7 games after LeBron was TRANSCENDENT in the last two games.  Ugh, it serves me right for rooting for Kevin Garnett.  I am digging these funeral-ish video packages of the Celtics though.
*Manny Pacquiao got screwed.  Whatever.
*I'll Have Another pussed out.  I would feel worse about this if it wasn't a racist horse that won The Belmont.  Union Rags?  Oh, you know that that horse owns slaves.
*The Mariners threw a no-no with 6 guys on Friday night.  No one cares about the Mariners.
*How about Prime's acoustic cover of Danzig's Mother (heard on Facebook and probably Twitter)!  Remember when Iceman apologized to us for not being a male sex symbol like Dolph Lundgren or Glenn Danzig?  That was a great day.

But the big, under-the-radar news from the weekend is that one of our favorite athletes is about to read "What To Expect When You're Expecting"...

Big Ben's going to be a big daddy.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and wife Ashley are expecting a son later this year. Roethlisberger released the news on his official website Saturday afternoon.

Roethlisberger posted: "It is truly a blessing and we are so excited!"

The Roethlisbergers were married just over a year ago in a small enclave north of Pittsburgh in a quiet ceremony attended by a sizable contingent from the organization.

It's been a busy offseason for Roethlisberger, who turned 30 in March and graduated from Miami (Ohio) last month with a bachelor's degree in education. He is expected to join the team for mandatory minicamp next week.

Awww, that's cute. Good for Mr. and Mrs. Big Ben.  A son!  They are soooo excited!  You just know that this kid is going to have some awful name like Skylar or Dylan or The Rock or Stu (after the mother, of course).  This kid if definitely going to be Stu's ass-baby.

Anyway, let there be no doubt that this kid will be a dickhead.  The Rock Roethlisberger will certainly be a BRAH.  In fact, we might as well fast forward to the future a year when the little poop machine meets John and Jim at the local TGI Friday's...

John: Where's our fat ass nubian princess waitress, Bro-ey Crawford?  We've been waiting for Jack Daniels ribs for over 5 minutes now!
Jim: Tell me about it, LeBRAHn James!  I was going to tip her with a 2 liter of Sunkist but not now.

(Little Ben rolls up to their booth in his stroller with spinner rims)

Li'l Ben: Sup faggots!  Which one of you two is going to suck my gray baby dick first?
John: WHOA!  Look at this little Broseph Addai!
Jim: Bro Jackson, you've got some nerve talking that way to us!
Li'l Ben: Don't make me drag you limp dicks to the bathroom and make you men.

(Li'l Ben pulls out two bottles of Smirnoff Ice and presents them to the HarBRAHS)

Li'l Ben: YOU TWO DONE JUST GOT ICED, SON!

(BRAHS slam them as BRAHS are wont to do)

Jim: I like this little BRAHsh Hamilton!
John: Me too!  I almost feel like tapping him in his little nutsack!  Come on, Bro and Little Bro, let's chuck some bananas at our waitress and leave without paying.
Jim: Yeah!  Let's all drive over to Jim Schwartz's house and shit on his porch.

Or at least that is how I imagine the first interaction between Dut Roethlisberger and the HarBRAHs would go.  So, what say you about college graduate Big Ben procreating?  How about some potential names?  How annoying will Grumpy be today?  Is he throwing the baby shower?

In conclusion, we as a society need to do whatever it takes to prevent Little Ben and Little Jay Cutler from ever crossing paths.  You just know that those two would be best of friends and would take over the world with supreme douchiness.  The rampant collar-popping would destroy the universe.