Friday, March 30, 2012

The Luckiest Blimp on the Face of the Earth

I don't care what my shirt says, I will NOT bowl on Shabbas.
It’s late March which means that no one particularly cares about college football right now. Unless you are Brady, of course, who might be the most objectionable person that I’ve never met. Needless to say, it would have to be a pretty big story (or at least an interesting one) that would make me “Jump Around” at this time of the year. That being said…

Bret Bielema has to have at least 4 million horseshoes up his ass, right? I mean, seriously, for a guy that chokes in almost every big game that he coaches in and whines about really dumb stuff that he doesn’t think that he controls even though he most definitely does, he sure does seem to catch all the breaks. I just want to reiterate that Bret Bielema is a terrible football coach. He would probably be ELITE in the Big East but he is garbage in the Big Ten. Fortunately, talent steers the ship up in Madison anyway. It has nothing to do with him.

When Scott Tolzein graduated two years ago, the Badgers had almost zero back-up plans to replace him. What they did have in-house was either a greenhorn or hurt. Seriously, Wisconsin had not even a below average quarterback ready to start for them in 2011. And then Russell Wilson fell into their lap, they would have played for a national title if it wasn’t for two RIDIC chokes, they still won the Big Ten anyway, and then they got steamrolled in the Rose Bowl. Uh oh, what happens now that Wilson is gone?

The exact same scenario played out in Cheese-ville again this winter. Bielema, whether it be shitty recruiting practices or general incompetence (probably both), was left with zero options to be his quarterback this coming Fall. Nothing. It doesn’t take much to run the Wisconsin offense as long as you can hand the ball off and throw play-action passes to tight ends and fullbacks where the ball is never in the air for more than 10 yards. But there they were again, without anyone that could even do that.

Yet here comes Danny O’Brien to the rescue to save Bielema’s ass again. Now, if you don’t know anything about O’Brien, he comes to Madison from Maryland where he did not get along with Randy Edsall because Randy Edsall is an asshole. He isn’t as skilled as Russell Wilson but he definitely has a set of skills that the pros would take a flier on. He’s not Andrew Luck, but O’Brien is probably the best pocket QB in the Big Ten (at least he is off the top of my head).

I don’t know how Bret Bielema keeps doing it. He keeps falling ass backwards into above average/good quarterbacks from the ACC that don’t have to sit out at all. How is this possible? It’s a miracle that it happened once. Double B has pulled this off for two consecutive years now! And with Ohio State banned, you can pretty much guarantee that Wisconsin is going to win whatever side of the stupid conference that they play on. Bret Bielema is a gash. I hope that he didn’t buy a Mega Millions ticket for tonight because it is quite obvious that he will win. Dickhead.

Feel free to discuss whatever you want to today. If you want to talk about spring football, I might even allow that. For one thing, I kind of like Urban Meyer coming out and pretty much constantly announcing that all of the offensive linemen are pussies. That is hilarious. In case you didn’t notice, my baseball prediction post did not come today because I am a liar. It will be up on Wednesday just in time for Opening Day. Still waiting to hear from Dut…

Thursday, March 29, 2012

A Cocksucker First, A Father Second

Will never stop being hilarious.
I know that I promised to talk about the upcoming baseball season for the rest of this week, but I just can’t hide this exclusive story. We haven’t talked about the NBA here for awhile now although the tank race to the end of the season is heating up. Did I say “heating up”? I did. That leads me to today’s “scoop”. You may remember that a few years ago I got my hands on advanced copy of Jim Tressel’s printed abortion called, “The Winner’s Manual”. Well, fortunately for you, I was able to get my grubby paws on Dwyane Wade’s book that will not be released until September. It was very therapeutic, apparently, for #3 to write "A Father First: How My Life Became Bigger than Basketball".

By the way, the headline on ESPN’s Heat Index page is “Dwyane Wade Writes Book”. I don’t know why, but I find this incredibly amusing.

The gist of it is pretty much that he grew up poor as shit. He cultivated his skills on the playgrounds of Chicago. He went to college. He kept a diary (LOL!) and dabbled in poetry while at Marquette (DOUBLE LOL!). He got drafted by the Heat. He uses his life experiences to raise the kids that he has sole custody of. I wonder if this book is just going to be a rip-off of Paul Reiser’s “Fatherhood”. Paul Reiser…now there’s a guy that can make no one laugh. Anyway, without further Apu, here’s a small sampling of Wade’s first foray into book-writin’:

Chapter 1 – I Grew Up In a Stereotypical Home Filled with Hilarious Stereotypes like Food Stamps and Crack Rocks
Chapter 2 – I Raised Myself
Chapter 3 – Basketball Was My Only Salvation
Chapter 4 – How to Graduate from College without Going to Class
Chapter 5 – It’s Not the Best Idea for a Pro Athlete to Get Married and Have Kids at a Young Age
Chapter 6 – Boy, Did I Run Through A Ton of Non-Wife Pussy In Miami or What?
Chapter 7 – Wives Don’t Like That AND She Wanted Full Custody...What A Bitch!
Chapter 8 – Framing Your Wife as a Lunatic is Not That Hard When You’re Rich
Chapter 9 – Come Here, Son, Meet Your New Mom: Star Jones
Chapter 10 – Boys, Get Over Here and Watch Me Penetrate Gabrielle Union
Chapter 11 – Wheelchairs Aren’t Just For Cripples Anymore
Chapter 12 – Hipster Glasses and Face Band-Aids: How to Set Horrible Fashion Trends
Chapter 13 – Your Friends Are Idiots, But If You Don’t Take Advantage of Them Then Someone Else Will
Chapter 14 – Collusion Is the Best; Take That Old Jew!
Chapter 15 – When In Doubt, Always Throw Yourself a Pep Rally
Chapter 16 – When In Doubt Still, Blame LeBron
Chapter 17 - That Sure Was A Massive Failure, Wasn't It?
Chapter 18 – Epilogue: Who Spelled My Name That Way?

G$ sums up entire book in a few sentences - Wade grew up shithouse poor because his family had no skills and made poor life decisions.  His kids have a much better life because he is filthy rich.  End of awful story.

I GUARANSHEED that those first three chapters are actual themes that he uses to describe his early years. This has to be the worst book ever. Why would ANYONE take parenting advice from a professional basketball player? Honestly, I would rather read fathering stories by Karl Malone or Shawn Kemp or Lange. I hate Dwyane Wade. I hope that Dwyane Wade gets small pox or some other old timey disease.  Now who wants to talk about that HUGE Pistons/Cavs game from last night? Hello? Is this thing on?

By the way, as an aside, you really should be reading Warming Glow's Justified recaps on Wednesdays.  They actually have writers of the show answer commenter questions which is pretty bad ass.  Take yesterday for instance when I asked, "What is more delicious: Limehouse hogs or Wu's pigs?"  The Justified guy answered Limehouse hogs.  So that answers that question that keeps us all up at night.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I Hope That You're Taking Notes

I don't want a large Berkman.  I want a GODDAMN LITER-A-COLA!
When it comes to fantasy sports, I tend to take the football version and beat the topic like Barbaro or another equine that got sent to the dog food and glue factory. Yet I hardly ever discuss fantasy football’s older and stuffier brother, baseball. Fantasy baseball is an interesting game. It is definitely harder to excel at than football is due to the grind of the regular season and a larger pool of players. I admit that I am terrible at fantasy basketball, other than this year I have been average at fantasy football (now ELITE!), and dominating at fantasy NASCAR (played twice for money, won both times even though I know nothing). That said, when it comes to baseball, I consider myself to be very, very good along the same lines of “Beisbol being berry, berry good” to Sammy Sosa. So today, since my two leagues have drafted already, let’s pick up the resin bag and talk fantasy studs and duds for this coming baseball season.

Now, before we get started, Drew plays rotisserie-style. No one else here does. We play head-to-head. It’s easier. It requires less time and box score analysis. You only have to set your lineup on Sunday. Everyone in my league likes the set up. Not all leagues have to be the same. I guess what I’m trying to say here is SHUT UP, DREW.

I have a few rules that I like to employ during my drafts that seem to treat me well.
*NL pitchers > AL pitchers
*Don’t draft old guys (looks at roster and sees that Derek Jeter is my SS--SHIT)
*Never draft a pitcher in the first five rounds (I usually try to avoid them until at least round 8)
*Try to avoid guys that have switched leagues in the offseason
*Avoid pitchers that call small parks home
*Take a look at the list of guys playing in contract years
*With that said, avoid guys that just got PAID
*Closers…LOL!

With those 8 big rules in place, let’s start talking about who I like and don’t like this year.
STUD – Giancarlo Stanton. Uh yeah, the guy has insane power and will have Reyes and Hanley hitting ahead of him. I took him in the second round on Sunday and didn’t think twice about it. You know, he might be a nice dark horse for NL MVP this year for you gambling types. And I love the name Giancarlo.
DUD – David Wright. I think that he’s a good player and all but he has NOTHING around him to allow him to see fastballs. He needs to force a trade out of Queens.

STUD – Jason Heyward. I see a bounce back year for the guy that had one of the worst sophomore slumps in recent memory last season.
DUD – Ryan Howard and Chase Utley. I was tempted to draft Howard and stash him on my bench but he’s out until mid-Summer and, you know, you kind of need your Achilles to hit. Utley gets drafted way too high these days for faux production. He is made of glass. Let someone else take the risk.

STUD – Zack Greinke. His numbers were apparently way better than what they looked like on the surface last year. He’s fully healthy now and ready to be an ace again.
DUD – Lance Berkman. I don’t know what the Hell that was last year, but old guys usually don’t get better with age. We’re going to call it a fluke aided by Pujols.

STUD – Andrew McCutchen. It’s hard to get fired up when you draft a Pirate early, but this cat is the greatest.
DUD – Cubs and Astros. These are the two worst teams in baseball (no one else is even close) who might not have a guy reach 20 home runs or a pitcher with an ERA under 5. Stay area from these rosters.

STUD – Michael Cuddyer. He is about as flashy as the Amish but he accumulates the stats that you crave. Hitting in Denver won’t hurt.
DUD – Ian Kennedy. He isn’t nearly as good as he pitched last season.

STUD – Matt Cain. CONTRACT YEAR!
DUD – Andre Ethier. He sucks. In fact, you should avoid most Dodgers.

STUD – Yu Darvish. I’m going to drink the Kool-Aid for the time being. It might taste like napalm a month from now.
DUD – Ichiro. The genius of Eric Wedge is hitting him in the 3 hole this season. I have no idea why. He still racks up the singles but singles don’t help you win.

STUD – Howie Kendrick. I imagine that he’s either going to hit right in front of or right behind Pujols. You saw what that did to the decrepit monkey skeleton of Lance Berkman.
DUD – CJ Wilson. He just got paid and is a total cocksucker for giving out that one guy’s phone number via Twitter as a prank. With awesome pranks like that, he should be on Jersey Shore. CJ probably has a Lola bunny costume.

STUD – Jason Kipnis. Or at least that’s what Damman says. I’ll throw him a bone here because the Indians are not going to have a very fun season.
DUD – Justin Verlander. HOLE ON A MINUTE, PLAYA, let me explain myself. He was about as ELITE as an inbred hand-fisherman could be last year. But you don’t draft pitchers based on what they did last year. The odds are way stacked against him that he can come even remotely close to what he did the year before. And while he is not a ground ball pitcher, you can’t ignore that he has the worst infield defense of all time playing behind him. Basically what I’m saying here is that you shouldn’t waste a 2nd or 3rd round pick on Lynyrd Skynyrd and expect the same results. “Dud” probably isn’t the right word. "Over-valued" is more accurate.

STUD – Joe Mauer. I snagged him up in the 8th round Sunday. He qualifies at both catcher and first base. He can’t possibly be as horrible as he was last year, can he? Hopefully, Joey Sideburns figured out how to defeat his crippling case of “bi-lateral leg weakness”.
DUD – Jake Peavy. Jake Peavy is the worst.

STUD – Jarrod Saltalamacchia. Well, at least commenter Jeff thinks so. He’s turning into a pretty decent player though.
DUD – Michael Pineda. Proceed with caution…his fastball has been down this spring and you never know how pitchers will react to the bright lights and big titties of New York. I like him, don’t get me wrong, but I wouldn’t draft him.  I really like Phil Hughes just as an FYI.

DUD - Buster Posey catching, Adrian Gonzalez at first, Dustin Pedroia at second, Elvis Andrus at short, Chase Headley at third, Michael Bourne, Jayson Werth, Carlos Beltran, Corey Hart in the outfield, David Ortiz as DH/extra hitter, a rotation of James Shields, Ian Kennedy, Brandon Beachy, Shawn Marcum and Max Scherzer, and Jordan Walden, Grant Balfour and Brandon League as the main closers. This is Peter King's team. You don't want more than one or two of these guys. Peter King is AIDS.

Yeah, that will about do it today. That ended up being a lot longer than I hoped. Fantasy baseball is just so great. It really makes Baseball Tonight worth watching even if it means putting up with Doug Glanville and/or Fernando Vina. I look forward to the slack-jawed Tigertards getting all up in my grill today for what I said about Boogity Boogity Boogity. If you want my opinion on some players or challenge my perceptions, you know where to leave it.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

AND IT'S FREEEEEEE! FREEEEEEEEE AGENCY!

This has nothing to do with today's post...it was just too awesome to ignore.





ELITE Tom Petty reference.  With the NFL draft right around the corner, let's take some of the focus off of the Andrew Luck/RG3 deep throat competition and talk some NFL Free Agency.  I, for one, get a little sexually charged during this time of year and love the FA period.  It's a chance to speculate the monster fantasy season certain players will have based on their new team and gives me time to talk myself into the fucking terrible ass moves Cleveland makes.  \ fists own asshole.  But then baseball always comes around with their flamboyant trot and perfectly sculpted chest hair to ruin shit.  Nevertheless, I try to shield the gayness of baseball as much as I can so I'm able to fully enjoy the NFL FA period.  ESPN has already hammer-fisted the big names like Manning & such into the ground, so I'm going to speculate on some of the big names still out there.  I'll tell you where they should go and where they will go.  I can't wait to whiff on ALL of these.  At least I can take comfort in knowing that I'll never be as wrong as MuDawgFan.

Joseph Addai
Where he should go:  The fucking glue factory.  His body is made out of flaccid dicks and period blood.  Put this turbo pussy out of his misery already.  Allowing him to play again is a crime against every living thing.

Where he will go:  NY Jets.  LDT looks to finally be accepting reality that he stopped being good four years ago...around the same time most people thought he retired.  The Jets will now desperately search for another injury prone RB to split carries with Fat Face Shonn Greene and his tubbo thunder-ass.

Cedric Benson
Where he should go:  New England.  Billy Belehoodie has a reputation for taking jailhouse turds and turning them into respectable citizens/productive members of a timeshare backfield.  But I'm not sure if he wants Ced using Danny Woodhead as his prison yard cum dumpster.  Preserve Danny's tender B-hole.

Where he will go:  NY Giants.  It makes sense, right?  Replace one shit head RB with a worse shit head RB.  Plus Tom Coughlin has a sterling reputation for folding like a fucking lawn chair when no talent, dickless, loud mouth RBs complain about playing time.

Dallas Clark
Where he should go:  Cleveland.  Colt McCoy is a tight end's never ending wet dream.  Dallas Clark could be the first tight end with 200 receptions in a single season but will have to find a way to do so with perma-boner.

Where he will go:  Texans...keep it in the division.  Houston just lost Joel Dreessen to Denver (Cowturd LOVES the move) and are just left with hobbly Owen Daniels for next year.  Playing in a dome doesn't hurt either.

Ryan Grant
Where he should go:  Indianapolis where he has the chance to be a starter and actually see more than 8 carries a game and not be buried on the depth chart behind Aaron Rodgers right arm.

Where he will go:  Baltimore.  Because Notre Dame faggots lack the testicle strength to nut up and be the lead back on non playoff teams.  Expect Grant to do the pussy thing and latch onto a contender where all he is expected to do is carry the ball four times a game and fluff Ray Rice's yogurt shooter in the locker room afterwards.

Brandon Jacobs
Where he should go:  Straight to fucking hell.

Where he will go:  Hopefully a place where he doesn't play.  But truthfully...who gives a shit?  I just wanted everyone to know how much I fucking hate Brandon Jacobs.  I won't even give him credit for road killing LeRon Landry a few years ago.  Because Landry can't even get his dick hard from the steroids he injects into his ballsack veins.  I compare that hit to truck sticking a 80 year old woman with a walker coming out of a grocery store who is desperately gripping the pill bottle that is keeping her alive.

Donovan McNabb
Where he should go:  Any place he has a chance to play and be impressively awful.  Either Arizona or Kansas City smell right since the quarterbacks in place there are as trustworthy as a self prostate exam.

Where he will go:  Miami.  They CANNOT be happy with Garrard as the starter there and have shown a history of hoarding 3rd rate quarterbacks.  Does anyone really feel comfortable leaving their team in the hands of Silky Garrard?  Of course they don't.  Also, doesn't McNabb to Miami just feel like a Dolphins move?

LaDainian Tomlinson
Where he should go:  Retirement.  I think LDT can contribute more on a pregame set next year than on a football field.  Someone needs to out "gaudy black guy suit" Michael Irvin and lord knows LDT has the Texas flair to pull it off.  A little FYI...when you Google search Michael Irvin, the first auto search that comes up is Michael Irvin crack.  Tremendous.

Where he will go:  San Francisco...maybe Detroit.  Detroit could use some depth at RB and a good character guy in the locker room.  Harbaugh seems like he respects veterans like LDT and would give him one last go around on a team fairly close to his home state.  But I really think it's retirement at this point.  Sad end to a brilliant career.

Mike Wallace
Where he should go:  Steelers.  Because no one thinks he's in the same stratosphere as Larry Fitzgerald.

Where he will go:  Steelers.  Because people still haven't stopped laughing at the contract Mike Wallace is trying to get from other teams.

I learned two things today.  First...there is SHIT left for free agents.  Braylon Edwards and Jeremy Shockey almost made my list and those queerbos haven't been relevant in years.  The second thing I learned is that even the bare scraps of NFL free agent analysis is way more entertaining than talking about anything related to baseball.  I already know you all agree with me and my brilliant assessment so the comments section should be pretty bare today.  One more thing...fuck baseball.

Monday, March 26, 2012

And Then There Were Four

Oh.  Hi Joan!
How goddamn annoying are those commercials where Greg Anthony tells us that it isn't March Monotony?  Those ads are the worst.  Speaking of ads, Mad Men came back last night.  That's some excellent transitioning right there!  Anyway, we're down to the Final Four so let's take a few minutes to talk about how we got there.

Out West - Rick Pitino is heading back to the Final Four with his Louisville Cardinals and army of dead babies.  This team interests me somewhere between one and zero percent.  I do not care for their style of rugged, physical basketball even if they do play up tempo (my preference).  Sure, they are solid.  Siva and that guy that spurned UC are both pretty good but, you know, whatever.  I'm more intrigued by the delightful choking of Billy Donovan's team who absolutely pissed that game away.  Irving Walker has never met a terrible shot with 30 seconds left on the shot clock that he didn't love.  In my personal opinion, Louisville did not win on Saturday, Florida lost because they took horrible shot after horrible shot.  Anyway, does anybody think that Pitino is going to win a game in NOLA?  I do not.

Back East - Well, well, well...Ohio State is traveling down to The French Quarter.  Honestly, they are playing great ball right now and they deserve to still be playing.  I may want to watch Aaron Craft get raped by a gang of Mayans but you have to give credit when it is due.  It is due here.  And I'm happy for Thad.  He needed this.  No, it's not like his job is in jeopardy at all, but he needed to get back to the Final Four just to shut up any critics.  There really is nothing more to say about the Fuckeyes because I feel as dirty as hippie hair for the above paragraph.  The one good thing about this development is that King Douche Jim Boeheim fell short again.  The guy is a cocksucker.  Period.  I wish nothing but continued failure from him.  Good game but the better team won.

Hey, what about Friday? - X, NC State, and IU all lost.  That UK/IU game was just amazingly entertaining.  You were kidding yourself if you thought that the Hoosiers could possibly win, but it was the most fun game of the year nonetheless.  And how about those Bobcats!  You know what, fuck them.  Those losers.  I was rooting against them.  Grumpy was, too.  You never, ever, EVER root for your rival to have success.  I will say that after watching Miami get their fucking hearts broken (AGAIN!) in the hockey tourney, I was scared shitless that I would have to watch Walter fucking Offutt beat Soulja Roy, too.  I was not prepared to deal with that much heartbreak.  I'm glad that it did not come to that.  Fun game though.  Be honest, you thought that DJ Cooper's last second heave was in, didn't you?

Down Souf - Let's be honest, no one can touch Kentucky.  The only team that can beat Kentucky is Kentucky.  Well, themselves and a terrifying few minutes where Anthony Davis's knee stremph was unknown.  Is it just me or is Terence Jones just awful?  He has all world talent but a Drew Gooden head.  You know, that might be who he becomes eventually...Drew Gooden.  He just pumps out good stats on horrible teams.

It's a Midwest Swaaaaaang, yaaaaaawwwww - Kansas and North Carolina put on a classic even though I was more engrossed with hour #3 of the goddamn fantasy baseball draft.  Sumbitch, that took forever.  Anyway, if you thought that UNC was going to keep winning with no PG, you were foolish.  Beating OU was their ceiling.  Can you imagine how hilarious it would have been to watch that little white shithead try to start the offense with Craft in his shorts?  TOTES LOL!  But the sickness of Thomas Robinson prevails and now we get us some rematches.

Prediction time!  It really doesn't matter who wins on Saturday just as long as Louisville does not.  No one wants to watch them play anymore.  I will truly enjoy Kentucky vs. whoever wins the other win.  THAT is what we want to see.  I like Ohio State and Kentucky to play for it all on Monday night actually.  The Buckeyes are just playing too well right now and owe the Jayhawks some payback.  And UK isn't going to lose.  Period

Dut was talking about heading down to NOLA for the Final Four last night.  Has anything new developed?  Anyone else considering it?  Flights are well over a grand right now!  Seal going?  Either way, the Final Four should be incredible next weekend.

Friday, March 23, 2012

"That's just a GANGSTA move right there"--Len Elmore

Obviously, Kyrie Irving has nothing to do with college basketball from last night or tonight, but today is his birthday. The young dynamo, that continually makes Iceman look like a schmuck, turns 20 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KYRIE!!! Daddy loves you!

I assume that last night’s action will carry through the day today but, just in case all four games were uneventful turds, let me give you some additional topics. We are down to 16 teams and thus four regional sites. It isn’t tricky math to figure out that that leaves us with 4 announce teams as well. To lead us into the weekend, I am going to judge those four groupings today.

The #1 Team – Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg. I’ve mentioned numerous times how creepy Nantz is but, in reality, he is a perfectly acceptable play-by-play guy. He doesn’t make the game about him and displays the correct amount of emotion. Nantz is just rock solid. Kellogg, on the other hand, makes me long for the days of Billy Packer. Special K is just horrible. He can’t speak English, makes up the most random shit, and his catchphrases or whatever those are make about as much sense as a see-through toilet. I’m really not sure how Clark got this gig since he is very unqualified. It might rhyme with Blaffirmative Blaction though (RAYCESS!!!).

The #2 Team – Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery. These old-timers just seem to get better as the years go by. I think that what makes them so entertaining is that you can tell that they genuinely like each other (the exact opposite dynamic of Nantz and Phil Simms). Apparently, Raftery still goes out drinking at pubs until all hours of the night. ONIONS! It is going to be a sad day when this duo retires. I’m not afraid to admit it: I love Verne Lundquist.

The #3 Team – Marv Albert and Steve Kerr. Now, we all know that college hoops are not their specialty, but they still do a good job. Kerr knows his shit and Marv’s voice is perfect for any level of basketball. Let’s be honest, CBS’s top three teams are pretty damn good.

The #4 Team – Kevin Harlan, Len Elmore, and Reggie Miller. Harlan is top notch. He’s got a distinct voice and his phrases like “RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES” are special. He is no Gus Johnson, but Harlan is still enjoyable. His partners though…yeeeeesh. I have no idea what has gotten into Len Elmore this year. He usually bores me to sleep because he has no personality whatsoever. This year he appears to be trying out the same “jive” schtick that is working out so well for Mark Schlereth. Go ahead; listen to him, Len’s going to get all urban on your ass! I’ve hated Reggie for a long time. He doesn’t know anything. He constantly screws up simple basketball clich├ęs (He had a full steam of head there, Marvelous!). He has at least 340 teeth in his mouth, too. The color commentary in this booth is just awful.

While he has nothing to do with CBS’s coverage of March Madness, I would also like to give a big FUCK YOU to the asshole who people still like to defend for some reason: Robert Montgomery Knight. We all know about how much he hates one-and-dones. He has a point and all considering that it is a stupid rule, but his childish demeanor and actions pretty much negate that point. In case you are unaware, Knight will not say “Kentucky” or reference Calipari in any interviews or TV appearances that he does. Instead, he calls them “Wildcats” or “the team from the SEC”. Dude, go fuck yourself. You are an analyst, not a critic. Sure, Calipari is as dirty as Seal’s underwear, but that isn’t your job. Bob Knight fucking sucks.  Grow up, old man.

So let’s keep talking hoops today, shall we? Were the games good? Did Yancy Gates get arrested? Did Marquette and Florida combine for 250 points? Is everyone on board for the fantasy baseball draft Sunday at 3 pm? GO TARHEELS!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Roger Goodell To Name Himself Head Coach At Illinois

Boy, they sure do give out a lot of trophies for "Worst Coach Ever".
Just kidding regarding the title…although it wouldn’t shock me. After yesterday’s wild ride through the NFL offseason, we need to shift our focus back to March Madness for the rest of the week. There are games tonight, people! The Battle of Ohio and whatnot! But instead of talking about the teams still left today, I want to talk about those that aren’t and the people that lead those programs.

Yesterday, news broke that VCU coach and media darling, Shaka Smart, had turned down the head coaching job offer at Illinois. “Locally” (which pretty much means "within our comment section"), this comes on the heels of Mr. Ace’s rant against Brad Stevens for not “striking while the iron’s hot”. Now some of you are going to just come out and grill Shaka for not making the leap to the power conference. And you may have a point about this being a bitch move considering that he is from Illinois (I think but that might not be true actually).

Seriously, you have to be a real fucking toolshed to fuck up the Illinois job like Bruce Weber did. It is a basketball school first which is not often the case in the Big Ten. You have great access to the fertile recruiting hotbed of Chicago. The Chief Illiniwek little chant thing that they do every thirty seconds somehow avoids being annoying. It’s a great gig and should be a destination job!

Yet I agree with Shaka turning them down. There will be better openings. He has a great thing going on now. He owns the biggest and swingingest dick in all of the CAA. Hell, VCU pays him 1.2 million per year. Bruce Weber’s salary this year was 1.3 million. He’s young enough. He doesn’t need to leap at the paycheck at a tough rebuilding job (yet).

I get where he is likely coming from. That VCU program is his and he built it. He IS that school and Smart's not ready to turn his back on them yet. While VCU will never be confused with Kentucky or Duke, there is still a certain level of tremendous pride that comes with that. It’s sort of how I feel about this blog. It isn’t the best, or the worst, or the sexiest, or the rapiest, but it is home and it is something that I created and I am proud of it. And I like that. Basically, Shaka Smart, Brad Stevens, and I are brothers. That’s what I’m trying to say. So if you think about it that way, it makes sense why these young hot shot coaches don’t just jump schlong first at the first AD that calls them about their opening. There will be a time when ESPN calls me up and asks me to be their head writer for ESPN: Central Ohio (HA!), but right now I’m just fine where I’m at. I respect loyalty.  I DEFINE LOYALTY!

Did you know that Illinois is one of three Big Ten schools never to have a minority head coach in football or basketball? I like to think that when this fact comes up, they reference Bobby Williams and Brian Ellerbe.

Thoughts on Shaka (and others in his position) staying put and telling Illinois to fuck off? How about the games tonight? Who do you like? I like all of the favorites actually. I think the Buckeyes win by double digits.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Where Will Our Beloved BBQ Angel Go Next...

How awesome would it be to watch Skip die?
After two straight days of trying to wrap my head around why a 36 year old QB would want to play his final days with Willis McGahee, Knowshon Moreno, Eric Decker, and the other guy, I think I finally understand why Peyton Manning chose Denver. I have seen the light. It’s actually quite simple. The Rocky Mountains are the only thing in America that can block harmful UV rays from his gigantic forehead. That’s it, right?

I mean, if Ryan Clark can’t play up in that altitude due to his blood AIDS, then what exactly is different with Peyton’s neck AIDS??? These are the questions that us simple Americans need answered, dammit!

Also, on Monday, Demetrius opened their radio show by saying that Peyton going to Denver was almost exactly the same thing as LeBron going to Miami. I swear to Christ, Anthony Rothman has the worst job ever. How can he work with that mental defective who seriously knows NOTHING about sports? Even the jizz moppers that work for Ide’s Uncle feel bad for Rothman.

But enough about Peyton—if you want to hear/read more about this boring story, just turn on ESPN for 30 seconds and you will want to fill your ears with molten lava. We need to talk about the fallout from this; that being where does this leave our boy, Tim Tebow? He’s got to go. It isn’t fair to ask him to sit around and be a backup after what he did last season. By the way, does anyone want to bet that Peyton never wins more playoff games for Denver than Timmy Tens? Because he won’t…FACT(?)!

So where will the initiator of RibFest end up? Is there any market for him anyway? Could Elway even get a 4th rounder for him? Is Tenor even open to the idea of being an H-Back or a jack of all trades? Would Double T be willing to circumcise Skip Bayless, miss, and cut off his head for the good of the nation? These are important questions, people!!! Tim Tenor needs to stay in the forefront and continue his greatness regardless of fairly poor play! Football needs Tebow! Below, I have listed (IN MY PERSONAL OPINION) the five most likely/intriguing destinations for ya boy.

5. New England – They don’t need him at all and taking Brady off of the field for a gimmick package is so dumb fo real but you know damn well that The Hoodie is considering it. After all, he has grown to be a terrible talent evaluator recently. People keep mentioning the Patriots as TT’s next team yet no one really says why that makes any sense.

4. Miami – The Iceman’s older broseph is a Dolphins fan so I’m quite sure that he would love to see this play out. Miami has had one of the worst offseasons of all time and need some positive publicity after deciding on a QB poo poo platter of Matt Moore and David Garrard. Plus, their stadium always looks half full and they could sell some tickets. Trading Brandon Marshall for nothing sort of signals that they are giving up on the forward pass anyway.

3. Jacksonville – Blah, blah, blah…I don’t even know if Tebow could make the Jags relevant. And if he does go there and sells a fuckload of tickets, then what becomes of those world famous Jacksonville section tarps? Won’t someone think of those tarps!!!

2. Philadelphia – This seems like something that a shit heel like Andy Reid and his boyfriend Marty would want to do and it kind of makes sense actually. Instead of Vick taking hits on the goalline, just have Tens take them. A redzone backfield of Shady, Rape Stand, and Jesusback would pretty amazing. Yet Andy Reid would still fuck it up. And let’s not forget how awesome it would be to see Tenor deal with Philly fans and the East coast media.

1. Cleveland – I’m dead serious and all the reasons I stated for why they should have went after RG3 apply here as well. There is not one person on the planet that wants to watch the Cleveland Browns play football or has any opinion on them whatsoever. In an offseason where the fans demanded some playmakers or ANYTHING actually, they have given you Frostee Rucker. ENJOY! Here are my 6 big reasons for why the Browns should go get Tim Tebow (other than it not costing more than a pick that you would waste anyway):
*Colt McCoy fucking sucks. Much has been said about Tebow shortcomings, but he’s still better than Colt.
*This team has no identity or offensive philosophy anyway. To argue differently is foolish. At least this would stop them from drafting wide receivers that can’t get open.
*The brilliant offensive minds of Brad Childress and Pat Shurmur are just what Tenor needs!!!
*If the front office is too cheap to match a 3 year/24 million dollar deal for Matt Flynn then who are they fucking waiting for???
*Trade for Tenor. Draft Trent Richardson at 4. Draft Mike Adams or another hoss at 22. Throw zero passes. Play 2 hour and 15 minute games. DOMINATE!!!
*Let’s face facts here: TIM TEBOW OWNS THE STEELERS!

Why is it easy as shit for me to come up with some sort of offseason plan for the Browns yet those paid to do that apparently have not been to the office since December? That franchise blows. They need Tebow, dammit. Oh, one more thing, the other day The Common Man was talking about what the 49ers might do should Alex Smith sign elsewhere. With what would be left out there (VY, McNabb), they would pretty much have to beg Favre to come back, right? That would be hilarious. In conclusion, much like Jesus Christ, TENOR WILL RISE AGAIN!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Grab Bag of a Whoooooole Buncha Dumb Shit

             Because it's John Elway riding a Timmy Tenor centaur...THAT'S why.



If the NBA season ended today (and we're damn close to the end), the Atlanta Hawks would be the 6th seed.  I can't repeat this enough after MuDawg told me to do some sort of sexual act with more than one dick.  Dawg also boastfully proclaimed the Hawks would make the NBA finals this year and is currently a blistering 0% for sport predictions this year.  This has nothing to do with my post today...it's just great information to have the next time Dawg tries to sound smart about anything.

How was everyone's St. Paddy's day?  After spending 2011 in Dublin (Ireland) for this blackout fest, my first celebration back in the states had all the makings of a complete and total fucking letdown.  That all changed when my friend decided to mutilate some chick's sex hole on the hood of some dude's car in a bar parking lot at 11PM.  I'm actually impressed since this guy usually can't hold an erection after 3 beers without the assistance of boner pills.  I've been told "Rock Hard Weekend" is a solid choice and usually gets the job done.  He claims the public sex story isn't true, but I have multiple reliable sources that can prove otherwise.  Couple that with a story (I'll omit names for legal reasons) about an NFL bound local kid who played for a local college getting his dick sucked by a former co-worker of mine on the ride home from being picked up at an airport made for a pretty ELITE day.  Did I mention she has Chlamydia?  Well, she does...in her poontang and eyeball.  That's right...eyeball.  She said he still won't call her back and that was about 2 weeks ago.  No real topic for today.  Just some random sports stories to debate/discuss.

We touched on this earlier yesterday but Manning to Denver doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.  Maybe Elway promised Manning anal sex with his wife or something neat like that (I heard she was hot which I find hard to believe since Elway is a horse faced, baby fucker).  I just don't see the attraction here.  The running game is a soiled diaper spearheaded by a guy who soils his own diapers, the receiving corp is average and starts a white guy from Minnesota and John Fox likes to touch your butthole when you aren't looking.  I don't care that the Titans picked Locker at 8 last year.  Tennessee was the right move, in my opinion.

Did you know Elway has a twin sister?  I bet she's so gross looking she spent most of her youth chained to a drainage pipe eating fish heads on Wheat Thins slid over by her parents on a hub cap.  That bitch could probably shave the skin off your rod with a toothy blow jay gone bad...that is assuming she inherited the Elway family choppers (she had to of).  Back to important stuff.

BASEBALL ALERT!  I guess C.J. Wilson gave out Mike Napoli's phone number on Twitter as a St. Patrick's day joke.  Napoli, apparently, doesn't see the hilarity of 3,000 voicemails from drunk, dickwart baseball fans and has been crying like a flaming snatch about it ever since.  Boo fucking hoo.  What a cunt.  Grab two hundred dollars of the ten million you're making this year and do something about it.  Whiny faggot.  Baseball players are such fucking pussies!

Financial guru Antoine Walker has sold his NBA Championship ring for about 21K as a part of a bankruptcy liquidation.  Let that be a lesson to you, kids.  Don't be fat and stupid and have greedy black friends.  Listen to your life coach, Ide and keep it white.  On the bright side 'Twaaan can always make $200 an episode being T-Dog's stunt double when TWD season 3 starts filming.  Did you know this fucking whale made over $100 million for his career minus endorsements?!  Further proof that everyone who goes to Kentucky is inbred and useless.  Time to revise this commercial.  "I'm employee number eight...and I make horrible life decisions while contemplating suicide daily."

Here is why you don't put scotch loving lardos at 3rd base.

Whenever I start to get depressed thinking about how the Browns organization tucked their shit between their legs like that cross dressing tranny from Silence of the Lambs during the trade for RG3, I remember that the Dolphins are still a team and I smile.  They just signed David Garrard AND are rumored to be interested in Tim Tenor.  So the roster of QBs would read Matt Moore, Garrard, Johnathan Paul Losman and Timmy Tens.  LOLZ!  LOLZ!  They deserve two LOLZ for that bag of QB cow pie.  At least there's one team out there the Browns can still beat.

Well, faggots.  That's all you get from me today.  Even though I hate baseball more than Seal hates having sex with people not related to him, these Tim Kurkjian impressions on YouTube are really cracking me up.  So far the best I've seen and heard is Elliot Johnson with a distant second going to Tim Dillard.  Dillard's impression isn't perfect but the stats fuckin slay me.  Baseball sucks, but those videos are ELITE and I encourage you to watch them all.  There you go queens, the baseball you've all been waiting for.  Now go jerk off or something.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I Am The Walking Dead

Exactly how I feel.
At some point yesterday, Damman said something about his body officially shutting down on him.  I could not agree more.  This past weekend in NOLA has rendered me even more useless than ever.  I feel like a bouquet of dicks.  But it was TOTES worth it.  Here are a few notes from the weekend as well as some NCAA Tournament thoughts.  I freely admit that I wasn't paying a ton of attention to the games so just relax.  I don't care if this post sucks though because I am exhausted.  Trying to find where the hidden world famous sex dungeons are (with Naptown Wolverine, of course) was absolutely worth it and I will discuss this more later because that is how teases work.

*I did not see any famous people.  Apparently, Russell Brand was in The French Quarter sucking on cocks on Friday and then he got himself arrested for being a homo.  ELITE!

*Hurricanes kind of suck.  I prefer hand grenades and/or turtles.  Turtles are delicious.  3 for 1 beers are also the best.

*As I mentioned to Z at some club, there are not nearly enough references to "glistenin' ice" in today's rap game.  Ice is very important, Iceman is not.

*In what was likely the biggest upset of the weekend, I did not set foot inside of a strip club.  NW went to seemingly all of them on Thursday night and since he is an expert on the seedier sides of life, I trusted him that the Bourbon Street cathouses were all shitty.  Apparently, the place that promotes "Live Sex Acts" is horrifying.  Good to know.

*Drew recommended to me to check out Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop.  It's apparently the oldest bar in America as it was founded by a pirate in the 1770's.  It was down past all of the homo bars and there is virtually no electricity in the place.  Totes dark...pretty cool.

*The first two nights, we got up on some bar's balcony to sexually harass young women.  That gets kind of old, pretty fast though.  Do you know what is embarrassing?  When a big hillbilly, who you just met and is part of your group, puts his arm around you and starts screaming "N***** LOVER!" at any broad that chose to have class.  I was terrified.  He just would not stop.  The South is a weird area that I do not envy.

*So how about I talk about The Dungeon?  Rumor has it that this dark bar just off of Bourbon has a seedy underbelly that no one will discuss or how you go about finding it.  All we know is that it is there and that it is wild.  We had to find this place.  Wikipedia was no help to find the secret trap door or whatever to get the promised land.  We were pushing on all of the walls trying to find the wormhole to another dimension that we couldn't even possibly begin to understand.  Yet we never found anything.  It was maddening.  Something is there, dammit.  They LIE!

*Good trip.  I should be on the No-Fly List after my "deposit" in Atlanta yesterday morning.  It was DISGUSTING.

*As for basketball, I'll just accept Ace's apology for telling me that Ohio had no chance to beat Michigan.  Idiot.  I feel like this year's tournament is punishing The Bag Brothers.  For example:
Douche - Zack Novak is gone
Scum - Frank Haith is gone, too, and he needs to pay for his crimes at The U
Satan's Ball - FUCK YOU, COACH K!!!  Can't even beat Lehigh!
The 15 minutes where Michigan and Duke both lost were some of the best minutes ever.

Yeah, that's it for me.  I am whooped.  Feel free to talk Dead early and often today.  I don't care.  New Orleans rules.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Ide Always Has Been An Asshole

This has nothing to do with anything but it is pretty much the greatest picture ever.  And, you know, MARK MAY!!!
Hazing was a ritual. It was just generally accepted going into high school sports; as it should have been. You have to earn your right to be a part of the team. Being some fag vagina wasn’t going to win you any respect. I knew this and accepted it. Nowadays this is considered bullying. If your kid can’t make it through some hazing, then he will never make it as a grown man in society. He might as well be playing volleyball or soccer.

Locker room hangings were usually the soup du jour when it came to hazing, especially in football. Everyone went through it, so by the time it came to you, you knew what to expect. Freshman had their own team and didn’t mix with JV or varsity, so sophomore year was typically the year it happened. By then everyone knew the drill; wear really nasty shitty tighty whiteys. They tear easily unlike boxers, which were all the rage back then. I have heard stories of people hanging for over 30 minutes wearing boxers. Fuck that noise. Football players by and large weren’t the most creative when it came to hazing. Hangings (we called them lynchings (lol)) and shaving cream pranks usually rounded out the arsenal. In baseball everyone named their bats after concentration camps (for the record, I fucking loved this idea), except for the Jewish kid named Ariel (ha). Nothing much there.

In wrestling, the creativity really flowed. I was the first freshman to get hazed in the locker room, and it was relatively painless. They weren’t very slick about it so I saw it coming, and was prepared for it. I was hung in the showers (I had a shitty pair of tighty whiteys in my locker for this event) and it was over. I wish many others heeded my example. Check that; no I don’t, these stories are hilarious, and totes true.

We had a nip on our team. He wasn’t very good, but wrestled at a weight class that was light on talent/people. We quickly named him Vietnam, and referred to everything he did as if he were doing it during the war. I think he was Chinese. So as a sophomore he got called up to play varsity. He went out and got swiftly beaten. The best part was his own team screaming “YOU LOST THE WAR, VIETNAM!” as he walked off the mat. Surprisingly enough, his parents yanked him off the team shortly thereafter.

During an overnight tournament we dared a guy to jerk off in one of the mat maid’s Cosmopolitan magazines. The resulting discovery on the bus ride home was pure gold. Not really hazing, unless you consider it from the stats point of view, but it is worth noting.

Nudity was always classic and used very regularly. Our practice room was above the main gym, which is where the women’s basketball team practiced, or whatever it was they did. We held down a cocky freshman and stripped him bare assed then threw his clothes to the women. They placed them mid court and told him to come and get them. He had to. I’m pretty sure he cried. Many times when guys were taking a shower, they would come out to an empty locker.

Icy hot was used in less than deplorable ways.

Sophomore year I had to sit next to the captains of the football team, who also grew up being great family friends with my family. They also happened to be the two biggest fuckers in the school. My growth was not as successful. Fortunately for them, I usually got blamed for their misdoings. Including, but not limited to the time where I had to sit through the entire class on my desk which was tipped upside down. I had to sit on that basket thing that held your books. When the teacher yelled at me, I was instructed to tell her that I much preferred this set up. Assholes.

We were masters at breaking in to other schools lockers. Pull a towel through the hoop of a master lock and pull with all your might. They snap pretty easily. We would pilfer through other team’s lockers and steal their warm-ups to use either in practice or what have you. We stumbled upon the team mascot’s locker and stole his outfit. He was a giant badger or something. We then had a player on our team do a dance during the tournament when the respective school was competing.

One time a few people clipped their pubes and threw it into someone’s book bag for later discovery. We all assumed he’d go home and find it while he did his homework. Only, he didn’t do homework that night, and had the same first period class with me. I was a few rows away, when I heard, “What is all this hair doing in my backpack?!” I laughed so hard I was in tears. I was then sent to the office for disruption.

This takes us to Steve Adkins. This poor fucker. When Columbine happened, EVERYONE looked at this guy like he was going to be the second coming. He was socially inept, fucking weird, and deeply disturbed. Not sure where it came from, but it was very tragic. I had the good fortune of having this fucker in my classes since the sixth grade. He thought he would gain popularity if he did weird shit to make people notice him such as pissing ALL OVER bathrooms. Usually opposing schools, but he had been known to strike in our high school and middle school. We didn’t care because we used our locker room year round, and that remained unscathed. This kid was really fucked up. I’d like to think he killed himself by now. Or he is in jail for some sort of sexually deviant crime. Either or is a likely scenario.

So we are at Dublin Coffman, who is our biggest rival. We lost the match, and as we were leaving, their coach came over and yelled at our coach about someone pissing and shitting all over their locker room. We knew immediately what happened, but the coaches didn’t. They didn’t care. I’m quite certain that next day we dead sprinted roughly ten miles. I’m still sore 14 years later from that day. Vengeance had to be taken. I came into the locker room and was told by the captain to piss in a trash can. I obliged. I go to my locker and noticed people were taking turns pissing in this kid’s book bag and locker. Then Steve walked in. He was immediately grabbed and thrown into said trash can head first. I was sure to steer clear from that kid from that day on as I didn’t want to die.

How we made it through high school without being suspended (I was levied an attempt to suspend once for making fun of a kid) or worse is beyond me. Those really were the good old days, since if you call a kid a fag you will have a class action suit and be expelled these days. Though, I did hear of some kids doing anal penetration in lacrosse not too long ago somewhere in Central Ohio. Good to see some places still keeping the tradition going.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Talking TV With Ide

Funniest bit character on TV?
While G$ is getting thoroughly tea-bagged by some Cajun stripper named Jean-Luc, I will be taking over today’s topic (ed. note-my flight does not leave until 6 pm so I'll be around today, assmunch). And due to popular demand (or one person, still popular by this site's standards), I shall be talking about television. And since it is me doing the talking, this is going to be guaranteed gospel. In return, you get a bunch of lists that you should pay attention to. There won’t be any fag picks like The Killing or whatever shit show G$ brought up last year.

Top 10 Current Shows
10. Real Housewives of Whatever – Just kidding, go fuck yourself Grumpy.
9. Luck – I could honestly take or leave this show, but it’s pretty good. Since it contains a lot of habitual gamblers, I’d like to think they drew a lot of inspiration from Buke.
8. Shameless – Admittedly I have only seen the first season and some of this one, but it definitely deserves mention here.
7. Modern Family – Al Bundy is still great in this. And those fags are pretty hilarious as well.

5/6. Parks & Rec/30 Rock – Ron Swanson and Jack Donaghy, that is all. Anyone else notice how 30 Rock has slipped a very racist scene in every episode? The 3 white K’s whipping the black guy was priceless. They tie since they basically come on the same channel at the same time, and I don’t really care which one I watch first.
4. Mad Men – Chauvinism, rich white men doing whatever they want and women knowing their place. This show got it right. They NYC people getting up in arms over the marketing looking like 9/11 was totes hilarious too.
3. Eastbound and Down – The first two seasons were ok, but I always wish they would have been funnier. Or at least as funny as I thought they could be. They fixed all of that madness this season in spades.

2. Game of Thrones – It has sex, violence, dragons, retard jokes, midgets, no minorities, and plenty of more sex. This is definitely a bit geeky, but it kicks all sort of ass. It technically doesn’t come out for another two weeks, but fuck it, still counts.
1. Justified – Still the best show out currently. Their slew of villains seems to get better and better each season, which is always good. If you’re not watching this, then you shouldn’t even be posting on this site since it accumulates everything we’d collectively put in a show anyways.

Worst Shows Running
Smash – Never seen it. Don’t need to. It fucking sucks.
Glee – See above.
Anything on CBS – Only thing saving this from Everything is them forcing us to watch sports here. Though, they deserve definite criticism for letting Gus Johnson go.
Singing Competition Shows – I do know a great number of people here actually watch American Idol. This is not fucking cool. You people deserve as much shit being thrown at you as Ape and his gay diet. Just remember, that when you are on your deathbed, you supported Ryan Seacrest in some way.
Gordon Ramsey Shows – The first season of the first one was ok. How you were able to watch this shit for x amount of seasons over x amount of shows is beyond me.
Bravo – Disagree all you want Grumpy, you’re wrong.

Most Absurd Shows That I For Some Reason Watch
5. Chopped – I actually like this show better now that 90% of these places I can actually recognize and go to. But, they always seem to give the prize to the poor bastard with the biggest sob story. The good news is that I can actively root against cancer patients on a seemingly regular basis.
4. Good Eats – Fuck you, I like Alton Brown (ed.-you are dead wrong).
3. House of Lies – This show, by all rights, is fucking garbage, much like Entourage in the later years. Yet, I still seem to be drawn to it every week.
2. Diner’s, Drive-in’s, and Dives – Take your bold flavors and shove them up your ass, Guy Fieri. Even his name pisses me off. That’s not money. Yet, this is on roughly every single night I go to bed, so I still find myself watching it. (If you can’t tell, I usually watch Food Network when I go to bed)
1. Sportscenter – Granted, my intake of this show has lowered dramatically in recent years, I still find myself going to it anytime I’m at home before noon.

Top 5 Badasses Ever
5. Daryl Motherfucking Dixon (The Walking Dead) – Necklace of ears, fashions his own arrows and just about any other killing tool he may need, lives by himself in an encampment (yes, apparently, that is possible), and has an awesomely racist though woefully absent brother. He also gets shot in the neck and doesn’t give a shit. And him carrying a crossbow to a funeral screams killer.
4. Raylan Givens (Justified) – Since his exact same character seemed to be a giant gash in Deadwood most of the time, it was refreshing to see him be the guy I wanted him to be in this show.
3. Vic Mackey (The Shield) – Like he says, “You just gotta be hungry……like the wolf.”
2. Al Swearengen (Deadwood) – He is easily the best written character in the history of ever and has a penchant for cutting throats and feeding the body to Wu’s pigs.
1. Omar Little (The Wire) – If you need an explanation, then go fuck yourself.

Honorable Mention: Whoever kicks G$’s ass for making some offhand comment on Big Brother if he makes it. This is reason enough for me to pray that he makes it (editor one more time-my stupid wife is picking up a video camera this weekend and I'm leaning toward filming my audition tape while showering).

Double Honorable Mention: Ellstin Limehouse – He just seems like he would be one and has a really big fucking cleaver that needs to be used at some point this season. He is black as well, so there’s that.

Join me tomorrow, where there will be an actual sports related topic that is sure to be a lot more interesting for everyone.  (Editor to end this-I disagree.  TV is way more important than Peyton Manning's airplane)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Get Good, Get God, Get Out

For Roger, no one competes with Neil Peart!
Tomorrow night, the band will officially be breaking up. It might not be for all of eternity, but we are witnessing the end of an era. With tomorrow being the final episode of the final season of Jersey Shore (at least as we know it), it is time to say goodbye. We went from Seaside to Souf Beach back to Seaside to Italy and finally one more time in Jersey; what we learned was simple. Watching dipshits be stupid is a great time. But all good things must come to an end and (I don’t know how anyone could disagree with me for saying this) it is time for these 8 people to do something else and hopefully stay off of my TV forever (except for one). Today, I will do my usual breakdown of the Jersey Shore season but since half of you don’t care or watch, there will be other thoughts on sports topics interspersed. So with that said, allow me to be a hermaphrodite and set fire to the final season with our guidos.

*The NBA Trade Deadline is tomorrow. Nothing has happened yet. I’m getting a tad nervous that the Cavs won’t sell off their sellable commodities since the Knicks and Celtics are both fucking terrible. This basically will just go to Seal, Ice, and Drew, but who do you think gets moved? Dwight Howard is going nowhere.

WINNERS:
Pauly D – He was consistently great from the first episode of season 1 to the bitter end. He is the exception to my statement in the intro. I am going to watch the piss out of The Pauly D Project. For a guy that spins and has ridiculous hair, it was a pretty big upset for him to make me like him. Cabs are here indeed.
The Unit – You know, he should have probably went in the Losers column but his nickname is ELITE and he managed to get arrested and kicked out of Karma seemingly every time that he showed up. And we were reminded every week for a year that he banged the shit out of Ryder.
Snooki – She seriously has a problem with alcoholism. We can all agree on that, right? I am a Snooks fan and I always will be. She was the star of the show even if she spent the whole Summer fucking her boy toy and avoiding The Unit. Plus, rolling around in Sitch’s sheets while covered in condiments was an awesome troll move.
Jionni – Yeah, that’s right, I’m showing the kid some love and it’s not just because he looks like Andy K. Dude clearly realizes that it makes no sense to dump Snooks while she is still enjoying her 15 minutes of fame so he knocked her up and is likely looking at a pay day for those baby pics and a potential MTV production of their wedding. The wife had E! on the other night and they had a handful of facts to get to know Jionni. Did you know that he has a business of free-standing ATMs while he is in college to become a gym teacher? True story! Can you imagine Snooki being married to an expert on square dancing? Priceless. Good for Ji-andy K. He made himself a star this season.
Roger – Roger is the greatest. He doesn’t put up with any of Jenni’s shit. He enjoys some late night sandwiches with Ron and Sitch. He knocked that fucking poser out at Karma with one of the most savage right hands that I’ve ever seen. Seriously, that dude has to be in a coma. And, of course, Jenni wanted to clone his dick. That right there is the definition of ELITE. I will miss Roger.

*I’m still pissed off about the Redskins – I get WHY the NFL is mad at them (and Dallas) for front-loading contracts and ignoring their written warnings. But it’s still bullshit and Snyder should threaten to sue. So the owners are mad because they were in violation of a collective bargaining agreement that was not even signed yet? Seriously, they were warned not to create cap room in 2010 because it would be in contrast to a CBA that THEY WERE STILL WORKING ON. And now, two days before free agency begins, the hammer comes down??? That’s weak and it makes no sense.

LOSERS:
Ron and Sam – DO SOMETHING. I can’t think of one thing, positive or negative, that they did in season 5 other than Sam chick-fighting some stranger at a club and Ron clogging the toilet every other day.
Jenni – She is just completely irrelevant. It’s sad that she felt that she needed to be the mother hen of the house. She had so much potential but between everyone around her being a lush and Roger OWNING that pussy, she was basically worthless to the viewing public. Still a great pair of tits though!
Deena – No. There is a difference between “cute dumb” and “go kill yourself dumb”. Deena is GKYD. Deena sucks. Was it her fault though since her girls were all coupled up? Maybe but if you are the “blast in a glass” that you claim, that stuff shouldn’t matter. Watching Deena and Vin deal with depression this season was awkward and annoying. Speaking of which…
Vinny – Thanks for the medical update on your crippling case of anxiety attacks there, ya hipster knob! What exactly made Vin so anxious? All they did was eat, lift, half-ass it at work, and drink. How AWFUL!!! Vinny had quite a wild ride on the Shore. He went from season 1 worthless to borderline MVP on 2-4 and back to worthless on the final season. And every single tattoo that he got was terrible. Yeah, “Get Good, Get God” makes sense and TOTES should be on your chest!
Angelina – Hey! She showed up again! Everyone ignored her, too! Hilarious.
Vanessa – This was the name of Pauly’s really weird stalker chick. She was not painted in a very pleasant light. She was definitely planning on chopping up our favorite DJ.
The Situation – I loved Sitch in season 1 but he slowly morphed into his true self: the biggest douche bag on the planet. I hate Sitch so much now. He is the absolute worst. Nothing out of his mouth is funny anymore. I am rooting for him to do the dip on a landmine. I HATE MIKE SORRENTINO.

*As I have mentioned numerous times, I am heading to New Orleans tomorrow afternoon. Does anyone have any tips for food, drink, titty bars?

MVPS (we are giving separate awards based on gender):
Female – Paula! Sure, she may have voluntarily slept with The Situation way too much (once is too much actually) but she was soooooooo hot. All of the chicks in the house liked her, too, which was sort of a miracle. Paula was the best. I will miss her sexy ass.
Male – Danny! Yeah, that’s right, Danny and I’m basing it on his entire body of work. There is no way that this guy was anything more than a Dollar Menu-aire before this show was conceived due to owning and operating a horrible custom t-shirt shop and look at him now. The guy has to be a multi-millionaire since the Shore house is owned by him and millions of assholes have come to his place and bought Female Body Inspector shirts. He made out like a fucking bandit.

There you go, my final Jersey Shore wrap-up post ever. I could not be happier. The show needed to end awhile ago.

I initially said that the site would be going dark for the rest of the week but then Ide volunteered to write something up yet has sent me nothing so I will just assume that he is a piece of shit. Enjoy the Dance everyone, I’ll be back on Monday with some sort of half-assed and hungover recap of a tournament that I will be too drunk to remember.  Here comes The Pulitzer!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

You Don't Know Shit!

                               "Fifty bucks and I'll let you touch my penis."


Did you miss me, fuckers? Yeah...you did.  Yes, I went to Florida and no I didn't run my fingers through Blaine Gabbert's lion mane while fisting my own butthole.  I wish I had a cool story about how I partied with MJD and got him so drunk he shaved my pubes for me, but nothing nearly that cool happened.  What DID happen was I discovered that I absolutely love Abita Purple Haze and also learned that my brother is really fucking terrible at picking up Indian waitresses who may or may not be of the legal drinking age.  But the top lesson I learned is that whenever you travel anywhere that has the option of flying...you fucking do it.  Being trapped in a van for 16 hours being forced to smell my brother's farts (a combination of dirty socks and head cheese) was definitely not ELITE.  But it is good to be back amongst all you douche bags so let's get to why you're really here.  March Madness, bitches.

South

-Kentucky is the #1 overall without winning their conference tournament?? Personally, I think that is stupid. How can you be considered the best team and the favorite to win a championship if you can't even beat Jay Cutlerfucker's alma mater? I guess I really don't care that much since the #1 overall doesn't mean shit.

-Uconn as a 9 seed, eh? I'll be honest...I literally know nothing about this team other than Jim Calhoun almost died again this year and that his breath has GOT to smell like a hamper.

-Wichita State's team nickname is the Shockers?! LOLZ. How the fuck did that slide through the cracks??  I'm picking them for that reason alone.

-The most interesting thing about Baylor will be the day it's finally revealed that tall, lumbering gross thing on the women's team is actually a shaved Sasquatch.  I don't see the men's team winning more than one game.

-Is there anything more gratifying than picking against Notre Dame every year in the first round and being right about it?  Just too many white guys with flat tops for my taste.

-I guess Dick Vitale's lucky Duke thong wasn't so lucky this year. Duke is the most overrated 2 seed I've seen in a long time.

WHO COMES OUT: Kentucky. Because Calipari has a roster of professional athletes.

West region

-Greg Anthony called Memphis a sleeper Final Four team.  But Rick Majerus has tremendously gross belly fat.  It's tough passing on my Majerus rule from years ago but I think do think Memphis is better.  Sorry belly fat, you lose again.

-Is Davidson an all white school?  Let's ask their Grand Wizard.  But seriously...I watched the selection show and it looked pretty creamy in the lunchroom they were sitting in.  Or study hall...or whatever the fuck room they were hanging out in while wearing matching track suits.

-Seth Davis thinks Iona shouldn't have made the tourny. Iona thinks Seth Davis drinks his own pee.  I'm actually hoping for a BYU win here.  Did they every reinstate that dude for covering that white girl with his premarital black guy sperm?  Mormons are hilarious people.

-Michigan State scored the top seed in this bracket.  Okay, sure.  I'm alright with it but Missouri OBVZ isn't.  I don't know why teams get all bunged up about getting a 2 seed.  It's not like it's that much tougher of a road compared to a 1 seed.  Besides, if you're good enough then it won't matter that you got shafted.  Right?  Glad we cleared that up.

-I actually like Marquette a lot and if it weren't for having to play a clearly pissed off Missouri team I would take them to the final 4.  Having said that...

WHO COMES OUT:  Missouri.  REVENGE!!!!

East Region

-Syracuse is the weakest 1 seed.  FACT.  It's because Jim Boeheim is a snarky rape enabler.  Everyone keeps talking about how "deep" this team is.  Deep must be another word for underachieving since these guys will be done in the Sweet 16.  Speaking of "deep" teams...the Atlanta Hawks are currently the 6th seed.  Two spots back from where I said they would be.  That's a crazy, deeeeeeeep, talented team with conference finals swag if I ever saw one, MuDawg.

-Harvard gets in. Give all the credit to Jeremy Lin...and his tiny Asian penis.

-Wisconsin vs. Montana. May the whitest team advance. DEAL WITH IT!

-Ohio got pretty lucky with a 2 seed in this bracket.  I don't see a lot of super tough teams and if they play the way they did in the Big 10 tournament we could see them in the Final Four.

-Florida State is the TOTES OBVZ sexy pick here that everyone is going to ride.  I, on the other hand, will not be sucked in.  I would rather put my trust in the soft, soothing, caressing hands of Bob Huggins.

WHO COMES OUT:  Ugh...Fuckeyes and an ELITE hex by the Iceman.

Midwest

-Michigan plays the real Ohio as a 4 seed.  Don't be Georgetown, don't be Georgetown, don't be Georgetown...

-Speaking of Georgetown, it's nice to see they get another chance to lose to a 14 seed again this year.  Never trust a head coach who wears that much denim.

-No way in hell Norf Carolina makes the Final Four this year.  I'm through getting my NCAA bracket testicles crushed by the dreadful tournament coaching fist of Roy Williams.

-Saint Mary's players wore title belt t-shirts on the selection show. Gayyyyy.

WHO COMES OUT:  Kansas.  Because I trust Bill Self more than Roy Williams.  Or maybe it's because I just don't trust Roy and his hairy ape knuckles.  Regardless...Kansas.  Which means they'll lose in the ELITE 8 now.

Somewhere Seth Greenberg is bitching about a tournament snub.  Even though Virginia Tech finished under .500, that fuckin goon probably thinks they deserve a shot with the big boys.  Go work on your conspiracy theory, choad.  The main thing you should take away from what you just read is that no matter how much you think you know when it comes to these things the fact remains that you don't know shit.  And that's what makes this fun and infuriating all at the same time.  Here's to not losing to your mom again in this year's tournament pool.  Speaking of which, anyone interested in joining mine here is the link.  http://games.espn.go.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/en/group?groupID=110126&entryID=548408  It's five bucks to get in and the money can be mailed to 3247 W. Alexis Toledo Ohio 43617.  Group name is Jared V Bracket Challenge and the password is Jared.  Creative, I know.  It's only five bucks so stop being such a bitch already.

Monday, March 12, 2012

RG3 > Everything Else

It was going to take a lot to not spend today talking about the NCAA Tournament.  Well, "a lot" happened on Friday night.  Fuck Jay Glazer, commenter Jeff broke the story to me that my beloved Redskins (who provide players for my also beloved Blue Shirts) had traded up to #2 in the Draft and are poised to grab their first franchise quarterback since Sonny Jurgensen back in 19-dickety-two.  You need to hear my opinion on this.  You've been waiting for this all weekend.  Well, you're going to get it.  I hope you have a big dump in the chamber because it's going to take awhile to navigate this bitch.

*I am well aware that we gave up a ton to pull this off.  Desperation?  Quite possibly.  Savvy?  Perhaps.  A sign that we are done being the doormat of the NFC East?  MOS DEF.

*It was becoming pretty clear that Peyton Manning had no desire to come to DC so this was the only move left (and a better one for the future, mind you, as I stated last week).  Had they not been able to pull this off, Shanahan was getting fired.  They absolutely HAD TO get RG3.  So yes, there is an air of the current regime trying to save their jobs surrounding this deal but I have faith that this staff is moving us in the right direction anyway so I don't want them gone after three sub-par seasons.

*All along, everyone agreed that the Browns could offer the best package of picks to the Rams.  That is true.  But I always knew that there was no way that Holmgren could top Snyder's offer (even with better ammo).  That is both the best and worst part of having terrible ownership.

*Again, yes, they gave up a lot to move up four spots.  But Schefter reports that the Browns also brought three first round picks to the table as well but the Skins did it first and that was the deal that they went with (which sounds weird to me).  I feel like the only people bagging on this move are Browns fans anyway.  It is likely due to being totes jelly and the horrible realization that it will be another Colt/Seneca shit show in 2012.

*You know, former Giants GM Ernie Accorsi told Cowherd a few weeks ago that a franchise QB is worth FIVE first round draft picks.  That might be a little bit of an exaggeration but he makes a great point.  You can't put a price tag on being set at the most important position in the game.  You really can't.  Look at what it cost to get Eli and Cutler.  These moves don't come cheap EVER.  And I highly doubt that any Giants or Bears fans miss those picks that they gave up.  My guess here is that all the commenters who root for teams with set QB positions will completely agree that this was the right move for the Skins while our Browns fans will bag on it.  That's fine.  If Browns fans were right, then they would stop rooting for the Browns.

*You build a team around a quarterback, not the other way around.  The Skins have quietly been building some pretty good depth through the draft and free agency since Allen and Shanny took over.  It was time to get the signal caller that we so desperately needed.

*This is just one of those deals that works out perfectly for both teams.  We know what the Skins are getting, but the Rams are probably the least talented team in the league and they should get a nice jolt of energy over the next few years.  Unfortunately, the Browns are likely going to steal Justin Blackmon and his fake 40 yard dash time at 4.  Don't even start talking about trading the #4 to the Rams either, Browns fans, because that isn't happening.  St. Louis didn't just acquire all of those picks to immediately trade them.  So needless to say, the Rams already lost this year's draft.  Riley Reiff is good and all, but that is a pretty underwhelming consolation prize.

*If I ran the Rams, I would have shopped Sam Bradford instead.

*I get it already, you think that 4 picks is too much.  Maybe it is.  But here is my hope: next year the pick will be somewhere between 10-15 and in 2014 it should be in the twenties.  As long as nothing goes horribly wrong, the Redskins should not be slotted in the top ten any time soon.  Not now.

*This is not the same old Redskins.  The old Redskins would have given Peyton Manning 50 million guaranteed.  The old Redskins would give up their first rounder by signing Mike Wallace to a 100 million dollar offer sheet.  This is a blatant attempt at getting young and exciting.  People tend to think that this is a classic "ignoring the draft" move.  It is not.  They still have 20 picks over the next three drafts to gain depth.  Of course, they won't get ELITE first round talent there but, like I said, if all goes well then those would just be bottom half of the first round picks anyway.

*Mel Kiper gave Andrew Luck a 9.8/10.  Mel Kiper gave RG3 a 9.7/10.  Yeah, dude is not going to be a bust.

*God dammit, I know what we gave up!!!  It's not like the Redskins had been killing it in the Draft over the last twenty years anyway.  This just gives them less of a chance to fuck things up.  It does put a lot of pressure on the scouts to nail the lower round picks but that is what they get paid to do.

*Here is what it comes down to for me: would I rather have a talented WR, a starting CB, and a run-stuffing DT or would I rather have an uber-stud, face of the franchise starting quarterback?  That's what I thought.  Teams that have the latter understand how important those guys are.  Teams that don't have them hide behind the poor excuse that "we have so many holes to fill" without realizing that a great QB covers up a ton of those holes.

*Finally, to quote Julius Caesar, "fortune favors the bold".  Damn right I just quoted some old Roman fuck.  

*Now, what do we have for RG3 to play with?  One of the main criticisms out there is who he has to throw to.  That is fair but it's hard to say that what we have in house sucks since Sex Cannon and Beck were throwing ducks to them last season.  We aren't New England, but Cooley and Fred Davis are a pretty awesome TE duo when healthy and not stoned.  Santana Moss could be an ELITE slot receiver.  Jabar Gaffney is nothing special but he has a huge dong and had over 900 yards last year.  If you throw it to him, he will catch it.  Shanny teams will always be able to run the ball.  I would expect them to bring back Heismantower due to his great blocking skills.  Roy Helu, Jr just became a top 15 RB and Rolls Royster proved that he can play last season.  We already have a stud LT albeit high as a kite.  There are holes at guard at RT that need to be addressed.

*Fortunately, the Redskins have, depending on final numbers, between 36 and 49 million in free agency to play with.  Do you think that guys will want to play with RG3?  Do you think that this team will sit back and do nothing?  Of course not.  RG3 needs an ELITE deep threat.  I expect them to get into a bidding war with the Bears for Vincent Jackson (who would be PERFECT for our shiny new QB).  I also imagine that Robert Meachem could be a decent target should V-Jax go elsewhere.  I would guess that they also go after Carl Nicks to solidify the interior of the line.

*Saturday was my dog's 3rd birthday and we took him for a corny family walk at Ohio State.  I wore my Redskins sweatshirt.  It was the first time since the year that Sean Taylor died that I wore it with pride and not to make others laugh.  I feel great about the direction of the franchise.  The NUMBER ONE problem has been solved.

*She$ made me go to church on Saturday evening.  She probably thought that I should say thank you for RG3 or something.  After it was over, when we were in the car, this happened:
She$ - That was a pretty good sermon tonight.
G$ - Yeah, if Fred Davis keeps clean then he is going to put up a monster season this year.
I can't STOP thinking about the Redskins.  That is how it should be.  I wish that the season started tomorrow.

So that about covers everything that I wanted to say about this.  I've got 15 more years to talk about RG3 so I better pace myself.  Basically, the point that I want to make here is that if you are a hater of this deal then you are wrong.  Unless you completely bottom out, franchise QBs don't just fall into your lap.  If you want one, you have to go get one cost be damned.  What I'm trying to say is that I would rather give up 10 first round draft picks over signing Mark Sanchez to a 40 million dollar extension.  LOLZ!  The Jets are terrible.

We're relevant again, baby.  I would not be surprised if Redskins/Giants opens the season and it would pop a YUUUUUUGE rating.  I can't wait.  I broke my fleshlight this weekend due to my extreme excitement.  HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!

Friday, March 09, 2012

Living The Suite Life

I reference Greg Gumbel later so it sort of makes sense.
To close out one of those rare weeks in which I am posting every day, I need some advice. Wednesday, I get a call from She$ asking if I would be interested in free tickets to the Blue Jackets game this Sunday evening (they play Ken Hitchcock’s 80 pound jowls and the rest of the Blues). The game starts at 6 pm (when the brackets are revealed…nice scheduling, NHL) and the Jackets are horrible so I asked her if I could think about it. She said no. I decided, what the hell, take them if they’re free. Even if I ended up not going, at least the feeling of throwing them away like some sort of big shot would be briefly amusing. I did this once with Indians tickets. I did not use them and asked no one else if they wanted them. Into the trash they went. It felt amazing.

The wife came home later that night and said that she wouldn’t be able to go due to work (which I figured) so I asked Swiney if he wanted in on the free ticket. He said yes. He enjoys a terrible on-ice product just as much as I do. So yesterday, the wife gets the freebies from her boss and I asked her to text me their location in the arena. If they were in the 200 Level, I planned on ripping them up. Much to my surprise, her reply was “Suite 30, Row 2, Seats 3-4”. WHOA! Free Suite seats! Fuck yes! You’re telling me that I can watch the hockey game live AND Greg Gumbel’s pube head at the same time! SICK!

She$ then breaks my heart by saying that Swiney and I will have to hob-knob with other people though. Apparently, the suite will have some Ohio State students and employees in it. I’m told, “You don’t have to be too social”. What the fuck does that mean? I imagine that it will be impossible to just ignore these people (even if I want to) since the two of us clearly know NO ONE else in that box. They are going to be curious as to who we are. She seemed genuinely worried that I might offend a guy that she works with often because he has a special needs son (both will be there) and asked that I be mature and not make her look bad. I found this to be hilarious. My e-mail reply to her:

I'm confused. So you DON'T want me to loudly refer to the Jackets as a bunch of retards? It's like I don't even know you anymore. I like the fact that you are worried that I might embarrass you.
We have been married for closing in on three years now by the way. I’m 31 years old yet my wife thinks that I go to professional sporting events just to pick on handicapped kids and alienate myself inside of a luxury suite. SHE GETS THE REAL ME! Anyway, back to the suite.

This sort of lifestyle is as foreign to me as tolerance is to Ide. I don’t know what to expect in the suite. Is everything free? What about beer? Since I don’t know these people, do I act like a complete pig? Is there a shitter in each suite? Is it cool to shit in it? If I shit, can I come out doing the Ace Ventura “DO NOT GO IN THERE” thing? Will they laugh? Should I constantly remind people that I paid zero dollars to be in there? What sort of demeanor should I carry? Do I spit on all the plebeians that are sitting in actual seats and not in super awesome suites? Should I loudly announce to those non-cool people what the brackets are but give them incorrect seedings? Such as “CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT KENTUCKY IS A 5 SEED!” or “HOW DID DUKE GET SNUBBED!”?

Basically, tell me how to behave. I’ve only sat in a suite once and it was for a goddamn Mannheim Steamroller Christmas concert. THAT WAS AWFUL. I didn’t embrace the ELITEness of the situation because I kept constantly looking at the door waiting for the moment that the music stopped and I could rush to the exit. This time around, I want to experience all that which the professional sporting event suite has to offer. Because, let’s be honest, it will probably be the last time that I get to be in one.

Alright, that does it for me this week. Monday should be all about the brackets/zombies but might be an Open Forum-style post due to the hockey game. The Iceman returns on Tuesday as if you possibly care. Wednesday feels like a good time to unleash my Jersey Shore season 5 winners and losers (SPOILER: the real losers were people that still watch this show). Thursday and Friday will be dark so that you can watch hoops and be envious of me since I will be feeling up she-males down in New Orleans. Peace in the Middle East.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Who Dares To Fill Rex Grossman's Shoes

TOUCHDOWN CHRIS DOERING!!!
“I get asked constantly about the RG3/Peyton Manning/Matt Flynn/Rex Grossman/Ryan Tannehill shitstorm that is currently swirling around the DMV region. I love it. I really do. When people argue that the topic is getting old, I say, "Really? When did it get old for you? When we started John Friesz? When we went with a Shane Matthews/Danny Wuerffel deadly duo? When Steve Spurrier sentenced Patrick Ramsey to death by deciding to leave two guys in pass protection on every play? When John Beck was the de facto starter in this town for a month or two last offseason? What about when we traded draft picks for a veteran quarterback that was about to be released (Mark Brunell)? How about when we cut Brad Johnson to make way for the Jeff George era? Tony Banks? Rob Johnson? WHEN DID IT GET OLD FOR YOU!!!???!!"HH

I feel the same way. I would stack up our heap of bad QBs from the last 20 years against any other team. This is probably the most exciting offseason in my life as a Redskins fan. Rights will be wronged! Decent business decisions might be made! Was this the change that Barry O was talking about? So now that Peyton Manning is unemployed and ready to move to a better city, shit just got real in a hurry (at least I hope it did) for my Redskins. Numerous football writers have Jim Zorn’s former team as the frontrunners to trade up in the draft for RG3 (especially since the Browns don’t want to include the 22nd pick for some dumb reason) AND to sign Peyton via free agency. Wait a minute. I need to sit down. I am way too over stimulated. According to people apparently in the know, WE are the favorites to land which ever one we want?

But how do we know who we want? Do I trust the people responsible for making that decision (No I do not)? The timeframe to make that choice is closing fast. A direction needs to be chosen immediately since Manning can be signed RIGHT NOW. Because, let’s be honest, the Rams are going to want to unload the second pick before Peyton signs and vice versa. If Manning signs with the Skins, that leaves the Browns holding all of the power over the Rams and they don’t want that. Anyway, I’m going to play fantasy GM today and make the choice of a new generation for my terrible team. We’re just going to assume that Peyton even wants to go to DC and wants to play for Shanahan and is 90% of the player that he was two years ago for the sake of this exercise.

The Case for Peyton Manning – First things first, he immediately makes us a playoff contender. We beat the shit out of the Super Bowl champs twice with The Sex Cannon, I’ve got to think that we win 9 games with Manning. Second, he comes cheap considering his legacy. He already said that money is not going to be a factor. Third, he won’t cost you any picks. That’s a pretty huge plus and it allows the team to spend the next 3 or 4 years grooming his replacement whether it is Nick Foles or whoever. There is some risk with signing Peyton just due to age, but it isn’t a move that would cripple the franchise at all. I believe that the minimal risk/pretty significant reward would be totally worth it. If it doesn’t work out, oh fucking well, all we lost was more of Snyder’s money.

The Case for Redskins Griffin III or Robert Redskins III – Yes, there is a risk here and, just like every high draft pick, there is a chance that he will bust. But as I said a few months ago as I was talking about Luck, if Griffin fails then that means that EVERYONE was wrong. Have you heard anybody say that he will disappoint? Fuck no. I love this kid. I have, and I’m not joking, laid wide awake in bed thinking of how awesome it would be to have him as the Redskins starting QB for the next 10-15 years. I am a douche by the way. While Luck is almost surely going to be a very good NFL QB, RG3 (in my opinion) has the higher ceiling because he can do things that Luck can’t. That is the main selling point on Griffin for me: he is not a stop-gap. He will be your superstar for a decade or more. We’ve never had one of those in DC. This is a guy that you build your team around.

So what does “GMoney: Fantasy GM” decide that his Redskins should do? Unfortunately, the price to get RG3 is going to be pretty high. As it should be since guys like him don’t come around to terrible franchises often. But signing Peyton Manning doesn’t fix the problem that this franchise has had forever. They never think long-term. It’s all about short term fixes. And guess what? That isn’t going to change because if we finish 6-10 or worse again, Shanahan is getting fired. Going with Peyton just reeks of everything that is wrong with the Redskins and by that I mean constantly going with big name stars that are past their prime. That formula has failed for two decades. It’s time to pump some life into the organization. It’s time for a new face. It’s time to order a jersey with roman numerals on the back.

G$, regardless of the cost, has chosen Robert Griffin III as the first franchise quarterback of the Washington Redskins (although both options are very desirable). But if these losers don’t get either of the two QBs listed above, I will murder Dan Snyder.

What do you think? No other team really has both of these as realistic options (Miami doesn’t have the juice to trade up and Peyton in Cleveland is Nene Hilario). And if you don’t care about the future of the Redskins (YOU LIE!), feel free to discuss how big of a fag-hag Grumpy is after announcing on Tuesday that he enjoys not one, not two, not three, not four, but ALL FIVE versions of The Real Housewives series on Bravo. From now on, we will all just ignore everything that he says.