Thursday, December 06, 2012

WOOOO BRET SUEY (and other stuff)

Always relevant.  Forever LULZ.
Before we hand out the sixth annual WEISMAN TROPHY tomorrow celebrating college football’s most ELITE player, I wanted to spend today talking about the coaching carousel and bowl match-ups. No, it isn’t as awesome as envisioning me singing pop songs to Nick Lachey, but it will have to do.

*Pigman goes to Fayetteville – If Brady can take a break from online trolling strangers from Wisconsin for a moment (WHAT A DORK), let’s finally talk about this big move for Double B. Sure, it feels like he saw that the ceiling was not going to get any higher after his third straight trip to the Rose Bowl, but it’s not like his teams dominated their way to Pasadena. They were handed those invites and graciously got embarrassed the previous two times out there. I think we all agree that he isn’t a very good football coach and is a quite lazy recruiter that would rather whine about the system than do anything about it. Why would Arkansas want him? I mean, a fart cloud is a better coach than John L. Smith so was this their only goal—find a warm, fat body better than SMILE? Bielema isn’t going to succeed in the SEC. There’s no way he does unless he embraces everything that he as against and even if he does, everyone in that conference is already better than him at that. He’s got three years until he gets fired and ends up coaching some awful MAC school like Miami University for 250K.

*Now what, Wisconsin? – I still refuse to join Twitter so I’ll need to hear from someone else who the hot names are rumored to be replacing Pigman in Madison. It’s a shame that Dave Doeren took the NC State gig because he would be perfect and is a MUCH better coach than the previous lump of shit they had. I thought that I heard somewhere that it was possible for Barry Alvarez to coach the Badgers in the Rose Bowl. OMG please be true.

*Purdue hired Darrell Hazell – They should have never even offered their job to Butch Jones (where is he going to end up?) so a consolation prize of Hazell is a good get for them. Here is the problem that I have though: each Big Ten school apparently hauled in between 40 and 50 million dollars this year for their network that no one watches. Where is that money going? Why aren’t they spending it on coaching? If I’m the AD at one of these schools, I’m not paying Darrell Hazell 12 million over 6 years. I’m calling Jon Gruden and offering him 30 million over 5 years (which is exactly what Wisconsin should do immediately but they won’t). YOU HAVE THE MONEY. Go after the big fucking names. Stop settling on the up and comer that you hope becomes more of a Pat Fitzgerald and less of a Luke Fickell (worst head coach ever). For God’s sake, you are competing against Urban Meyer now. I don’t even like this conference at all and yet it still drives me crazy. Where is this money going!!! I just don’t understand what these schools’s main objective is when they hire a coach or even search for one.

*Gus Malzahn heads back to Auburn; Charlie Strong likely going to Tennessee – I love these hires so much (although it sounds like Louisville is doing everything it takes to keep BLACK CHUCKSTRONG). For some weird reason, I have a very large boner for Malzahn. These just show why the SEC will ALWAYS be better than the Big Ten. You should stop comparing yourselves to them and focus more on being on the same level as the Big 12. I’m looking at you, Brady.

*WHO CARES – It’s funny to listen to all the Fuckeye idiots call up the radio shows complaining about Urban Meyer not getting Big Ten coach of the year. Why does this matter at all? We’re you going to buy every member of your family a “Coach of the Year” t-shirt for Christmas. I will never understand why fans get mad about individual awards…except for Justin Morneau stealing the MVP from Derek Eater years ago. THAT WAS ROBBERY!

*Which games are you looking forward to – Obviously, the BCS Title Game is important but I like the Fiesta, Orange, Cotton (or whatever they’re calling it now…I just love watching Bob Stoops fail), and the game between Kent State and Arkansas State should be a lot of fun even though neither team’s coach will be there. You can piss and moan about how there are too many bowl games until the cows come home (what a rural analogy!) but then you come across as a guy who wants LESS football. Do you really want less football, you terrorist? The Sugar Bowl might be the worst bowl game of all time.

*Does Chip Kelly give a fuck about everything above? - I doubt it.

There you go—a nice big juicy pile of college football-related topics today. We stick with the same theme tomorrow with LIVE coverage from River City Bowl-A-Way for the Weisman Award ceremony! Try to hide your erections.


Anonymous said...

Many colleges are still paid for by the state, therefore, paying coaches millions is a bit tough. People were calling for Tressels head during the recession because he was the highest paid state employee by like 500%. A bit stupid for sure, but there's some people, we will call them faggots or vegetarians, thay don't like sports.

In equally awful news LOLZ to Barry Alvarez for coaching the Badgers during the bowl game. That is fine trolling on a shit fan base.


GMoney said...

Ide, I see what you're saying but it still doesn't show where that 47 million this year is going. If it's going to academics or whatever, then that is stupid. If you want to use it to build a new softball stadium, fine, but they aren't televising classes on Big Ten Network so they shouldn't get a dime of that.

Fuck the state.

Grumpy said...

Treadwell makes $420K, the highest paid employee at Miami.

I like Hazell; I only wish he had landed somewhere better.

GMoney said...

Exactly...Purdue is a pretty dead end job. Honestly, he should have waited for Butchy to leave Cincy and taken that over.

Anonymous said...

I'm about to hit this shit up BULLET-POINT's really similar to Gangam Style.

*First off you blew it with the picture today. A picture came out in the last 48 hours of Bielema shirtless in Vegas last summer holding a pink drink and looking like the complete fat douchebag that we all hate. It's an EPIC picture.

*Barry is coaching the Rose Bowl. I love how arrogant he is.

*There are already Chris Petersen to Madison rumors...which...well...LOLZ.

*G$ can confirm that I broke the Sonny Dykes to Cal news to him last night! Once Cal sources>Prime's Cal sources. I'm basically Adam Schefter and he is Sports by Brooks...LOLZ.

*I watched Hazell's presser last night before BTN finally broke away after 30 minutes. It was extremely impressive....I went to the Purdue boards and they were basically blowing loads in their pants. Dude is a winner.

*Gus Malzahn is bout to get hammered by the NCAA due to Chizik and Trooper Taylor. I know Arkansas State sucks...but, I'd stay away from what's about to come down the pipe at Auburn.

*Charlie Strong is staying at Louisville, which sucks due to a big time WR recruit that Urbz is battling them for out of Louisville.

*I gave ZERO fucks about the B1G COY Award. FUN OSU head coach has not won B1G COY since 1979! It's obviously a terrible award given to people for terrible reasons.

*I'm looking forward to NIU battling FSU. I'm also looking to see how many Wolverines that Clowney can dismember.


MUDawgfan said...

I'll defend the B1G schools for a moment, or at least try to explain their tightfisted approach to coaching salaries.

If I'm not mistaken, the average B1G school funds athletic teams that most SEC/BigXII teams don't even have.
Field Hockey, LaX, Shooting Teams, Archery, Hockey (mens and womens), Pistol AND Rifle, Rowing, Gymnastics (mens and womens) etc...

The money that would go into a coaching staff or facilities at say, Louisiana State, go into other Varsity Sports at Ohio State.

I'm not saying if it's wrong or right, I think OSU has an assload of Olympic Gold Medalists in their history and that's pretty awesome.

I'm just saying it's ultimately an Apples/Oranges argument. SEC, PAC12 and BigXII schools long ago decided to meet the minimum requirements for Title IX and then dump everything else in to Football and Men's hoops.

Thus far, the plan has worked.

Anonymous said...

Good point MUDawg. I just saw yesterday that Wisconsin has 25 sports...and Bama has 15. I'm pretty sure that OSU has the most in the nation. But, OBVZ football salary would not be an issue in Columbus.


Anonymous said...

I think OSU has approximately 37 varsity sports and the next highest is Texas with approximately 29. However, OSU's football program practially prints money, so fundin the programs and the football program is not an issue. Believe it or not, although there are a ton of football programs that are profitable, there are actually only about 5-8 athletic departments that are profitable as a whole. Oddly enough, Ohio State with the most programs to support is one of them.

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

Drew is a better fake beat writer than me for three reasons:
1) He apparently has the time to give a shit about Cal.
2) He uses "LOLZ" more than any other entity on the Internet.
3) He once gave Sonny Dykes an HJ in the bathroom stall of a truck stop. He had the inside track on this hire from the start.

Chip Kelly says he "gives negative fucks" about this coaching carousel bullshit because he can "go and do whatever he wants." He did mention that the Chiefs job became much more appealing over the weekend. "It seems like the kind of place where if the players commit to something, they will follow it through to the end."

GMoney said...

I don't have a problem with how OSU's affletic department spends their money. They appear to put an assload of it back into the product and that is how it should be even though you people don't deserve it.

My problem is with the Iowas and Minnesotas of the world who get to collect ridiculously fat checks and then never get better at anything.

I saw the shirtless Bielema pic. It was too horrifying. I like to believe that he got hired by Arkansas because no woman would ever want to sex him up.

Drew watched Purdue's presser and trolled around Boiler are getting close to Brady levels of being pathetic. Proceed cautiously, douche.

Prime is still better than Drew at covering Cal sports.

GMoney said...

Chip Kelly appreciates a good murder/suicide. It's great for team building. I love Chip.

Anonymous said...

I scooped Prime on the Tedford firing and the Dykes hiring. He is Cal Sports By Brooks.

Bielema has a hot 27 yr old wife.

I didn't "troll" their boards. I just read them...Brady was interacting with people in an effort to rustle their jimmies.


Nate B. said...


I think you're wrong about Purdue being a dead-end job.

The competition in that division is so weak at the moment, and will be for quite a while.

End of year power rankings for the division would break down like this:


With PSU hamstrung for the next three years and Wisconsin losing their coach, a good staff could easily elevate Purdue to #2 annually, or at least long enough for him to find the next best job.

GMoney said...

History shows that Purdue is a dead end job.

Anonymous said...

Based on Drew's comment I can totally see Brady walking around in assless chaps trying to lasso other dudes' junk.

Jeff said...


Per Facebook:

Torg says "I have gained 15 lbs since being sent to the Citgo and he is a Fat Fuck. HELP!"

Maybe he would do a guest post for a pair of headphones.

Anonymous said...

I think the main reason Bielema left Wisconsin is due to glass cieling that was already mentioned. You can recruit your ass off at Wisconsin, but chances are you are never going to have a top 10 class. In the past four years, Bielema has had a few classes ranked around 50th or below with one class only totaling 13 commits. The Rose Bowl is the absolute best he can hope for, and even getting there is going to be increasingly tough now that some of the traditional powers are back on the rise after temporary hiatuses. Those same schools (OSU & UM) are producing top 5 classes while UW is right around the top 50. Further, UW use to get by on getting the scraps from Ohio and other talent rich B1G states. Now Hoke is recruiting top midwest talent instead of getting a 5'7 track star out of Florida like his predecessor. MSU is doing the same. So a tough recruiting sell has become even tougher. His run of 3 Rose Bowls was not sustainable and he got out while his stock was still high. At lest in the South there is more talent to choose from. However, I still don't think he will be anything more than a middle of the road coach in the SEC.

-Lil' Strut

Nate B. said...

"History shows that Purdue is a dead end job."

True, but the BIG has also been a historically strong conference.

Under the old model of the 90's where there was no conference championship, and Wisconsin, PSU, OSU, and Iowa were consistently good, this would have been a terrible decision.

But in this case, history means nothing because today's BIG is nothing like it historically has been.

GMoney said...

How about Ian McShane as a deranged and murderous Santa Claus on AHS last night. That was ELITE.

Anonymous said...

Especially, since the B1G has been playing like a mid-major conference lately! AMIRITE?!

I think Hazell jumped a little early at the Purdue job, but the money they threw at him would convince anyone in that position to do the same. Also, and I really mean this, fuck anyone who signs with a new team before the bowl game. That is just a real cunt move. How could you do that to your players that have done everything and anything you've asked of them to make you successful and keep a straight face. That fat fuck murderer at ND really personified the hatred for this practice, but I think that all around it's a real shit move.

I get that it gives you a leg up on the recruiting trail, but if I'm a player, how am I supposed to buy in to 'loyalty' and 'team' when you left your last team at the alter on wedding day?


Anonymous said...

Ide...Hazell is coaching the Kent bowl game and recruiting for Purdue.


GMoney said...

It's just the nature of the beast. College football is covered in dirt and filth anyway. Seriously, this has to be scumbaggiest sport on the planet.

Drew, who is Wisconsin targeting on the rumor mill? I hope that it's someone awful like Charlie Weis or Butch Jones.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, that's odd. According to the article I read (Washington Post), it goes:

"Hazell is the first black coach in Boilermakers history and will take over fulltime duties later this month. The Boilermakers (6-6, 3-5) are scheduled to play Jan. 1."

KSU plays the 6th of January, so I assumed otherwise. Guess I can't expect much from a publication in a town that worships a faggot QB.


Prime99 said...

Ian McShane was ELITE as crazy Santa Claus. I was not in on this season when it first started but it has been tits since the episode revealing who Bloody Face is.

Nate said...

Starting to wonder if its premature for OSU assistants to consider leaving for HC spots.

Warriner and Herman could both start getting looks elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

This may be the dumbest thing I've ever seen you post! Not leaving before the bowl game is the cuntiest move possible. The new school that's giving a truckload of money needs you focused on recruiting. Staying on to coach your OLD team is a slap in the face to your employer. If you are coaching for a national title then stay, any other situation move on and don't hamstring your new program for selfish reasons. Move on.


Anonymous said...

G$...I'd say college basketball is scummier than college football.

Ide...good point on why you shouldn't trust the Post. I just doubled checked and he is most definitely coaching KSU in the Go Daddy Bowl.

G$...According to my Wisconsin sources...the big names right now are...

Jay Norvell -- Sooner OC
Pat Narduzzi -- Spartan DC
Brad Childress -- Spent five years as OC under Alvarez
Mel Tucker -- DC for the Jags...former DC for Tressel

I'll try to reach out to some more people and see what I can pick up.


Anonymous said...

Nate....Herman and Warriner are both at least a yaer away from HC jobs.

I have heard that there might be some interest from Southern Mississippi for Everett Withers.


Brady said...

I love how Barry is going to jump in and coach the Rose Bowl. There are countless assistants for Wisky who have been balls deep in that team all year. How does plucking the AD from his ivory tower and throwing him on the sideline for the ROSE BOWL make any sense? It's going to be spectacular to watch.

GMoney said...


Narduzzi is a scumbag. He won't get it (hopefully).

Score one for Buke. He makes very great points there.

Luke Fickell is still three lifetimes away from being a head coach of a Pop Warner team. It's funny because he sucks.